3 Mistakes Most Guys Make Right After the Breakup | 16

Just got dumped and don’t know what to do next?

Most guys make the same three mistakes that turn a painful breakup into months (or years) of unnecessary suffering.

In this episode, I break down the 3 biggest mistakes most men make right after a breakup:

• Contacting her (begging, pleading, or “just getting closure”)
• Numbing out with porn, alcohol, weed, gaming, or endless scrolling
• Isolating yourself and ruminating for days or weeks

These mistakes feel like relief in the moment, but they keep you emotionally hooked, destroy your confidence, and dramatically slow down your healing.

I’ll show you why pushing through this pain sober — without escaping or chasing her — is the fastest way to heal. You’ll learn how facing the discomfort head-on builds real strength and self-respect.

When you avoid these three traps, you’ll:

• Heal faster and get over her quicker
• Preserve your dignity and masculine confidence
• Build a rock-solid foundation to rebuild the rest of your life in a badass way

This is the episode every guy needs after being dumped.

The pain is inevitable.
How long it lasts is up to you.

Let’s do this the right way. 

#BreakupRecovery #DivorceRecovery #NoContact #MensMentalHealth #HealingAfterBreakup #StopNumbing #PostBreakupGrowth #PodcastForMen #BadassComeback

Hosted by Chris Ryan - Professional Life Coach | B.A. Psychology

Breakup and divorce recovery coaching for men

For coaching inquiries and general questions, email: coachchrisryan@gmail.com

*The BCP is 100% self-funded and does not run ads.

Keywords: breakup recovery for men, divorce recovery for men, rebuilding identity after breakup, masculine qualities after divorce, feeling incomplete after breakup, reclaiming masculinity post-breakup, life after divorce for men, men's self-improvement after breakup, healing from heartbreak men, post-breakup identity crisis men, divorced men recovery, broken up men healing, men's mental health after relationship ends.

Transcript

SPEAKER_00 0:00

We need to talk when you get home. Dan had been dreading that text message for a while now. The last four years have just been a slow decline. They tried to talk it out. That didn't work. Went to a marriage counselor. That really didn't work. That bad feeling in his gut and his chest, which was slowly building up that whole time, suddenly turns into sharp pain and numbness after glancing at that text message. And Dan usually responds to her when he's driving, but he decides that focusing on the road will at least make it so he can live to hear this talk as much as he wants to drive his car off the nearest cliff. He starts getting lightheaded and considers pulling over to gather himself, but something else gives him a boost of adrenaline. Anger. He put in so much effort trying to reignite their marriage. He was doing all the right things and trying to keep it alive. And amidst all these racing thoughts and tightness in his chest, dagger through the heart, Dan somehow makes it all the way home and takes a deep breath before he walks up the driveway. He opens the door, walks into a dead, silent house. She's sitting at the kitchen table. So he takes off his tie and sits across from her. After a few seconds of silence, she says it. Her words echo in this new emptiness that Dan has never felt before. I want a divorce. The dagger goes in deeper, along with a brutal punch in the gut. The floor feels like it just fell out from underneath him. He feels like throwing up. But somehow he maintains his composure. He just sits there staring at her, hoping that she would look at him just like they did when they first got married one more time. But all he sees is a woman who is just annoyed at his presence. So he does the only logical thing he can think of. He just looks down at the table, nods his head, looks back up at her and says, okay. And she gives him this look of, Are you serious? Until she just scoffs, gets up, and says, Goodbye, Dan. He stays seated, staring at this now empty chair as she gets up, grabs the suitcases that he didn't even notice by the front door, and walks out. If you're experiencing any of those physiological reactions, our guy Dan was hit with, this episode is for you. And no, it does not mean that you're weak. It means you're normal. It means you're a human being. The harsh reality is this is the double-edged sword of love. It is the most amazing feeling ever, but having it ripped away from you is one of the worst. Today, I'm going to show you what's happening in your body and three massive mistakes that will make this pain last much longer than it needs to. By the end of this episode, you will know what your next move will be towards healing quickly. And it's not easy, but if you can commit yourself to these steps, you will pull out of this before you know it. But be warned, you won't go back to how you were before. You're going to become even more motivated, happy, and confident than you ever thought possible. You might even become unrecognizable to people who were used to the old you. This is your time. And I appreciate you taking some of it to be with me. We're going to kick you up a notch. Welcome to the Badass Comeback Podcast. Alright, long story and intro out of the way. Let's get started. What is going on that's causing all of this physical pain and stress right after the split? Well, in simple terms, it's a scary change in your body's chemistry. First, we have a massive dopamine withdrawal. We get used to our dopamine flowing steadily, having someone there, and yes, there is still some dopamine flowing even when things get dull. When she leaves, however, that rug gets pulled out from under you. Studies by Helen Fisher et al. using brain scans showed that the end of a romance lights up the same brain areas as cocaine withdrawal. Hence, instead of motivated and strong, this is why you're probably experiencing anxiety, restlessness, and just being unmotivated. Second, your cortisol levels spike hard. Cortisol is the stress hormone. This is why your heart races, your stomach feels sick, and you might be having trouble sleeping. Rejection triggers the same stress response as being physically attacked. Third, testosterone levels. And your tea actually spikes right after the breakup. This is because your body wants you to go out and hunt and compete again, which makes sense. It's a survival instinct response that is hardwired into us guys. Hunting provides and competing is a way to demonstrate your strength and social status. Both of these things make you highly desirable in the eyes of the feminine. This is your body actually trying to tell you that you need to find a new mate soon to make more babies for the continuation of the human race. But there is only a small window of high tea just before it tanks. Then your sex drive crashes and your motivation, focus, and confidence as well. Fourth, your amygdala, or your emotional brain, takes over your prefrontal cortex, or your rational brain. This is why you keep replaying conversations, checking her social media, or having imaginary arguments with her at 3 a.m. Your emotional brain is in survival mode, and your logical brain is temporarily offline. Here's another study. Eisenberger and Lieberman found that the brain processes social rejection in almost the exact same regions as physical pain. This is why so many guys say that it feels like they got punched in the chest or like someone died. Because biologically, something did die. The future you imagined with her, and your body is mourning it. So, with all that in mind, guys, let's dive into how we can reverse these bad chemical reactions to get you out of this shit. The faster you can implement these steps, the faster you will get rid of this pain. Here are the three biggest mistakes most guys make in this initial stage and exactly what to do instead. Mistake number one, staying in contact with her. Don't do it. Don't text her. Don't call her. Don't show up at her place. Anything like that. If you absolutely have to contact her for logistical reasons, like, I don't know, lawyers or your kids, keep it 100% platonic. Stay logical. You don't even want to dip your toe into emotional conversation territory. Don't even ask her how she's doing. Sounds harsh, I know. You might be thinking it's a nice gesture to show her that you still care about her as a human being, but it could lead to emotional relapse for you. And let's be real, she's on her own now. You are no longer obligated to check in andor take care of her. We stay out of contact for a multitude of reasons. More importantly, it makes her lose dignity and any sort of respect she had left for you. In fact, I hear all the time how guys that try to come back eventually start losing the respect of their kids. Trying to stay in contact also shows desperation, makes you look low value. Most importantly, it keeps you emotionally hooked and delays your healing like a drug relapse. Don't do it. It will only plunge you into a deeper hole. What to do instead? Here are some practical steps. Step one, grab your phone, block and mute her on everything. Delete or archive text messages, emails, DMs, etc. When you have the urge to reach out to her, write out what you would say to her in your notes app on your phone, and then delete it. Or better yet, write it down on a piece of paper. That takes the emotions out of your body and places it on a piece of paper. Not a guarantee that you will delete those emotions, but it will take some of the weight off. Write it down, read it over a few times, and then burn it. Another thing you can do in those moments is instantly get up and go do something else. Even if it's something as simple as the dishes or just going for a walk. If you're driving, turn on some music or change musical genres. Same goes for podcasts and shows. Change it. If you need a break from driving, stop at a gas station and pick up a Gatorade or something with electrolytes. Good chance you're more dehydrated than you think. If you can practice this instant change in environment or activity whenever you feel the urge to reach out, your brain will learn that you're not going to go through with that thought and eventually it will stop trying to get you to do it. Like I said, the whole point is to avoid relapse. Your chemicals are all fucked up. When you talk to her or see her, those chemicals go back to normal for a bit, and then they crash harder than before and prolong getting back to normal without her. So that was number one. No contact. Mistake number two. And this is probably one that's going to hit hard. Why? Our society thinks this mistake is actually normal, and in some ways it's actually encouraged. But of course, our society gets a lot of things wrong about relationships in general, hence why most guys fuck this one up. Mistake number two, numbing yourself. Right after the breakup, their urge to escape the pain is going to be hitting you really hard. Most guys give in and numb themselves in this initial stage. And this is basically anything superficially comforting and self-soothing. And there's a lot of them. Ready? Alcohol, junk food, substances, both legal and illegal, excessive TV or video games, doom scrolling, excessive social media, porn, staying up late, sleeping in one night stands, poor financial decisions, the list goes on. All those do is just prolong the healing process. It either adds more bad chemicals into your brain or temporarily suppresses the existing bad ones, which is again essentially relapse. Right now, there's a problem. Stress in your body. The solution is to get rid of it. Numbing the shit does not get rid of it, actually does the opposite. Okay, so how do we get rid of the stress? Well, there's the hard way, and then there's the hard way. The second hard way is numbing yourself. It gives you temporary superficial relief from it, but the hard part is the long-term ramifications that you don't see yet. The first way is only difficult on the front end. What is that? Well, it's gonna take some balls. But if you're listening to this right now, I already know that you have what it takes. Here it is. Cut everything unnecessary out now. No alcohol, no drugs, zero, no junk food, no porn, no one night stands, and don't buy anything super expensive or worse, go into debt for it. What to do instead? Healthy food. Healthy food helps to balance your brain chemistry. Gym routine. If you can't afford a membership, get a cheap mat and fire up some YouTube videos for home workouts. You don't even need weights. Here's some more. Stay hydrated, buy some Gatorade powder, sip on that mixture when you feel like reaching for the bottle. Better yet, pause this shit right now. Go to your liquor cabinet and dump all that poison down the drain. Toss out all the ice cream and the bullshit fried and sugary food. Delete your DoorDash account. Put a content filter on your web browser. Don't even think about installing a dating app. Right now, you are in a highly emotionally vulnerable state. The chances of your feelings getting the better of you and controlling your choices is high. Cut off the source of that potential numbing. After you've cleansed your house of these things, here's a realistic way to divert when the urge to numb yourself hits. And it's two simple steps. One, you need a short list of countermeasures. Things you can immediately turn to that will kill those urges. Ready for some ideas? 20 push-ups, cold shower, journaling, go for a walk, do the dishes, clean something, organize something, rearrange your living space. We talked about this in depth in episode two. Move the furniture around, get rid of shit that you don't want anymore, change colors, your bath mats, bed sheets, a new painting or two, etc. You'll be amazed how well your brain responds to changes in your environment like this. Other things that you can do. Work on your hobby, call a family member or a friend, watch a documentary on your favorite subject, etc. Get creative with this list. Step two, write it down and put it somewhere you're gonna see it every single day. This diversion tactic is great to again redirect your brain away from the bad. Soon your brain is gonna stop prompting you to numb yourself because you're simply just not following through. Now, am I saying that you should never drink again or go out and pull a hottie for the night? No. If you're a casual drinker or you want to go have safe casual sex, by all means go for it. Just not when you're in this initial stage. I've mentioned this in episode four in regards to the rebound. If you're super heartbroken, like a nine out of ten, you should not be numbing yourself with anything we've talked about so far. Even if you're a lightweight, everything must go for now. Staying sober and healthy like this in this initial stage will get you down to like a five out of ten or lower faster than you think. When you make some good progress and get your heartbreak skill down to a five or below, then it might be okay to reintroduce your casual drinking or go flirt with some baddies. Just be smart about it. Now, the part that sucks is the initial cutting off of these nice things. And this is the fucking real part, boys. Suffering through this sober is grueling. It sucks, but it heals you faster. It's like disinfecting a wound properly. It stings like a mother, but it's sure as hell better than ignoring it and letting the wound fester. You almost have to decide to go a little crazy and raw dog this experience. I mean, it is crazy to bring pain onto yourself on purpose, but what's even crazier is the long-term effects of making this mistake that most guys and yeah, most girls make. Other people are probably going to look at you in disbelief eventually and say, wait, so you didn't drink that entire time, like at all? They may look at you like you're crazy, but long-term suffering because you were scared of short-term suffering is fucking nuts. If you drag yourself through this as sober and comfort free as possible, you will get over her faster. You will start feeling better sooner. And yes, just like tearing muscle fibers in the gym to help them grow back stronger, you will emerge stronger by making the choice to suffer through this without numbing yourself. Okay, so that's all fine and dandy, but does that mean that we can't comfort ourselves at all, like watch some TV before bed? Of course not. You have to reward yourself for making it through another day, trudging through the mud, but you need to be disciplined and make the reward something reasonable. Relaxation activities should be healthy. Think of it like a 90-10 ratio. 90% responsibilities like work, exercise, working on hobbies, house tours, hanging with friends and family. And yes, socializing is a new responsibility of yours now. We're gonna go into why here in a second. But that 10% is your hour-long TV before bed, just something to relax in a healthy way. Start thinking of your 90-10 split. Better yet, write down a game plan or user calendar. The more you notate what you're gonna do in your day-to-day, the more your logical brain will help you stay in line. If you don't, you risk your emotional brain kicking you with an urge to reach out to her or numb yourself with something unhealthy. Don't give your emotions that chance to control your choices. And that is it for mistake number two. Avoid numbing yourself. Okay, mistake number three, solitary confinement. Your social life is really important in this time. I would say it's now a requirement. 50% of divorced men report social isolation as an after effect of getting divorced. And every year in the United States alone, around 50,000 recently divorced men commit suicide, with social isolation being the primary factor. Guys, you can't be giving yourself solitary confinement. Yes, you lost a huge connection to an important human being. Your friends and family won't give you that same connection back, but they still add up and give you that social interaction your brain is designed for. We are not wired for social isolation. We get dopamine and serotonin and tons of other good brain chemicals from simply interacting with our fellow human beings. The best thing you can do is reach out. But a lot of guys just don't because they think it shows weakness. Indeed, the opposite is true. Reaching out shows strength. Yes, it might be uncomfortable. As badasses, however, we push through any sort of discomfort that comes from doing anything that is good for ourselves. And no, you don't have to call your best bud just to cry on his shoulder over the phone. All you gotta do is make some plans. Best of those plans are away from the house, by the way. Social interaction will also give you some of that dopamine back. Your brain is going to recalibrate faster than just sitting in an empty house by yourself all day. Reach out, make plans, fill up your calendar as much as possible. You need something to look forward to. Always. When you go and hang out with your buds or family, you're doing three things very well. One, you're reducing depression and anxiety. Two, you're avoiding staying stuck in rumination loops. These are loops like replaying the past, thinking about her, etc. And three, you are speeding up the healing process. Give yourself a pat on the back. A practical way to avoid this social isolation is to reach out to two or three friends or family members this week, even if it's just to talk. Even better, ask them how they're doing and what they've been up to. Maybe they'll invite you next time they go. Another good one is taking the initiative and scheduling things to do with your buds, like working out together, poker night, golf Sundays, working on a hobby together, etc. Most likely your good buds are gonna make room for a friend in need. Speaking of good friends, you might want to take a look at your social circle and be choosy about who to hang out with right now. Since you are going to be healing quickly and sober, maybe wait a while before you hang out with your party animal friends. And be warned, they may reach out to you and try to get you to go out and drink or party or do whatever they do whenever they get their heart broken. Do not give in. Take a rain check or see if they want to do something non-party related, I guess. This could save you a potential relapse into numbing. Right now, it's best to hang out with people who won't encourage you to party to suppress whatever you're going through. Now, I understand most guys have really small social circles. And if you happen to run out of people to contact, look for groups on social media that you can join. There is a growing number of divorced men's groups out there. And who knows, you might meet a guy going through exactly what you're going through right now. Spoiler alert, there's a lot of them. You are most definitely not alone. You can also sign up for something where you have teammates or a trainer, things like a sports leak, a gym program, hiking group, get creative. Now is the time to get back into things that you like to do, and what better activity to pick than something that involves other people? And that basically wraps it up for three mistakes to avoid in this new time. Real quick, the solutions were no contact, block your access to her, and only talk about logistical items if you really have to. Come up with healthy alternatives to counteract the urge to numb yourself and hang out with as many good people as possible. You have a lot more control than you think right now. You can't control her decisions, but you can control what you do about it. And the ultimate answer is to control how you take care of yourself in this time. Implement the strategies in this episode to let your logical brain take over. If you do nothing, your emotional brain is going to take over. And we all know that bad decisions can result from making choices because it's what you felt like doing. Guys, everything I teach on this podcast is geared to turn you into a badass. Anyone can hit cruise control through a breakup and numb themselves, try to beg and plead her to come back and isolate themselves. A badass does it the harder way, a way that he knows will help him get better results faster. Because if you do it the way everyone else does it, you're going to emerge as just as you were before. The same dude, pretty much. But if you choose your pain and go into it willingly, as we have outlined, you will emerge like a phoenix rising from the ashes with the fire of a million suns. You're going to surprise even yourself. We are strong men. Strong men are forged in hard times. The thing is, you rarely hear about us because we are few and far between. This is all about high. Skyjacking this bad situation that you were placed in and turning it into a massive opportunity to skyrocket your confidence, resilience, motivation, peace, happiness, everything that is going to turn you into a badass motherfucker. So, boys, go into that pain willingly. Trust me. Trust yourself. Refer back to this episode if you need to, and be intentional with all of your countermeasures. As I said before, now is the time. And with that, let's check in with Dan. Dan sits back on the couch to unwind after a long day. He went to work, hit the gym, caught up with his brother on the phone, made a high protein meal, and now he's watching the game. It takes a few minutes for him to realize that he isn't nearly as messed up as he was once he walked out of that door four months ago. Yeah, he still misses her, kinda. Yeah, sometimes he thinks about what he could have done better, but despite all of this, he still hasn't contacted her. A new wave of calm has been slowly settling in. He takes a look around and chuckles to himself. That old ugly fake plant that she bought a few years back, gone. That new coffee table with handmade coasters, sweet. His new man cave that used to be her office? Badass. Dan takes a deep breath and notices his chest muscles finally getting in shape again. He's sore, exhausted, but buzzing with that calm post workout serotonin. An hour and a half of TV done, now it's off to bed. The hardest part. That bed seems huge without her in it. He takes a more somber deep breath as he walks over and pulls the comforter back to reveal his new bed sheets, Royal Blue. He crawls in, lays back, and checks his phone to see what tomorrow's gonna bring. Oh yeah, tomorrow's Saturday. Barbecue with the boys. Dan's routine comes to a close as he puts on that cool meditation music that he found recently, lays back, closes his eyes, and follows the guided breathing pattern until he drifts off to sleep. This is your new chapter, boys. You get to write it however you want. Make this one about how you challenged yourself to rebuild in the most badass way possible. Ending this episode with a quote from Winston Churchill. Quote, If you are going through hell, keep going. See you guys next week. Thank you for joining me in another badass episode, brother. If you want to accelerate into this new chapter in your life and get a boost into your badass journey, sign up for a free 45-minute consultation for post breakup or divorce coaching. All the info is in the episode description. Also, please remember to like and comment. And if you know anyone who could use this info in their badass journey, please share this episode with them. None of this will be possible without you guys, so thank you again, and I will see you in the next episode.