Lost Identity: Who Am I Now That She's Gone? | 18

Feeling completely lost after your breakup or divorce?  Like you don’t even know who you are anymore?  You’re not broken — you’re in the middle of an identity crisis.  And this is actually one of the most important phases of your badass comeback.  In this episode, I walk you through why losing your identity is so painful for men and give you a practical 5-step exercise to rediscover who you are and paint a clear vision for your future.  You’ll learn how to:

• Push through the shock, denial, anger, and emptiness stages most men get stuck in

• Reconnect with your core values and strengths

• Rebuild a new, stronger identity that isn’t dependent on a woman

• Create an exciting vision for the man you want to become

When you do this work, you’ll start feeling more grounded, more clear, and genuinely optimistic about rebuilding your life — instead of just surviving it.  This isn’t about quick motivation.

It’s about doing the deep work that turns a painful identity crisis into your greatest transformation.   If you’re tired of feeling lost and ready to rediscover yourself as a man, this episode will show you the way.

You now have the opportunity to find yourself — and become a stronger man than you’ve ever been.  Let’s rebuild!

#IdentityCrisis #BreakupRecovery #DivorceRecovery #MensMentalHealth #FindYourself #RebuildYourLife #PostBreakupGrowth #MasculineIdentity #PodcastForMen #BadassComeback #lostidentity # breakup #divorce

Hosted by Chris Ryan - Professional Life Coach | B.A. Psychology

Breakup and divorce recovery coaching for men

For coaching inquiries and general questions, email: coachchrisryan@gmail.com

*The BCP is 100% self-funded and does not run ads.

Keywords: breakup recovery for men, divorce recovery for men, rebuilding identity after breakup, masculine qualities after divorce, feeling incomplete after breakup, reclaiming masculinity post-breakup, life after divorce for men, men's self-improvement after breakup, healing from heartbreak men, post-breakup identity crisis men, divorced men recovery, broken up men healing, men's mental health after relationship ends.

Transcript

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When you look in the mirror, do you know who you're looking at? This is probably one of the deepest questions we've explored on this podcast thus far. And it's one of those questions where the answer can be as deep and as detailed as you want to make it. But for a good chunk of guys post-breakup and divorce, they don't know where to start. I've certainly been in this spot a couple of different times, and it was actually kind of scary at points. And this is a topic that gets talked about a lot these days, but when I started researching to get some hard data, I couldn't find an exact number or percentage of men who go through this. Everything basically referenced a quote large number of men, and it's a larger number than women who experience identity loss after a relationship ends. So let's put one thing out there right now. You are not alone. There are tons of guys who are struggling right now to rediscover who they are. Losing our identity while in this low point is a double whammy. And let's be honest, you can read all the books, listen to the podcasts, implement all the comeback strategies in this podcast, but it is way harder to stay on track and get the most out of it if you don't have that anchor of self-identity intact. Rediscovering the man in the mirror is the most important part of breakup recovery. Today we're going to talk about why this identity crisis happens and how to rebuild a stronger one. And if you implement these steps, you might even become, dare I say, unrecognizable even to yourself. Welcome to the Badass Come Back Podcast. Who am I? The answer to that question will change throughout your life. Our idea of who we were as kids is probably vastly different than it is now. But something happens to us when we get romantically involved with someone. Stay with them long enough and we start intertwining identities. We start sharing interests with her, hobbies, TV shows, and movies, even mannerisms, quirks, and habits. We might even adopt certain outlooks on life and life direction, especially once kids come into the mix. And in the beginning, it's pretty sweet actually. You have someone to show you cool things and ways to think about life, and they get the same from you. A lot of healthy relationships have this dynamic, and it's great to a certain extent. And I'm not trying to shit on this concept, I'm simply saying that our factory relationship programming doesn't safeguard against what can happen when this melding of personalities goes unchecked. We're going to touch on that at the end of today's episode. Bottom line though, it's not your actual identity that has been lost. It was the version of you that existed with her. You know, the thing is, we put so much effort into the relationship. It's not only money and time, it's also energy. And it's a lot of energy. You know, keeping the relationship healthy, conflict resolution, the sacrifices you make, all of it. When you're putting energy into a relationship, it's your energy that you're spending. And where you put your energy is where your identity grows. Think of your career. You call yourself an engineer or a plumber or a teacher because the energy that you put into learn and live that profession. How about education? You call yourself a graduate, your hobbies. You call yourself a car guy or a techie or a bookworm, whatever identity is associated with your hobbies. And I think you get the point. It's all energy, but even still, it's much more. It's an investment. But of course, that investment has been taken away from you. Your role as not only the husband, but her rock and her provider in some cases is no longer needed. Your role as her husband or boyfriend was a purpose that is no longer needed. And that is a shit feeling. A man without purpose is a man adrift. In fact, there is a study done by Peggy Thoitz in 1992. She and her team found that major life transitions, like divorce, that strip away central social roles, like husband, boyfriend, etc., lead to significant drops in self-esteem and psychological well-being. They also found that dudes tend to have a harder time with this because they have smaller social circles and don't reach out for support that often. Now we can understand why it is so important for human beings to have purpose in their life, especially guys. So, energy directed at something equals identity. Now for a dive into the identity crisis. And there's actually five stages to this. Stage one, shock and disorientation. It's that whole feeling of what the hell just happened? You might be feeling numb or thinking that reality isn't actually real. You're probably experiencing major brain fog, just kind of going through your day like a robot on low power. You might be forgetting simple things or having kind of this pseudo-out-of-body experience where you're just watching your own life from outside of yourself. This happens because your brain is struggling to process the loss of someone that was attached to you for so long. Stage two, bargaining and denial. You start thinking things like, maybe if I fix this one thing, she'll come back, or there is no way this is over, this is temporary, or I'll be fine in a few days. I just gotta sleep it off. Your brain does this because it wants to pretend reality isn't real to avoid the pain of acceptance. Stage three, anger and identity, rage. This is where the pain turns outwards. You might get angry at her or yourself or just at the entire world. A lot of guys feel this mix of rage and self-blame. And this stage is dangerous because it's really easy to lash out or commit self-harm. This anger means that your identity is actually fighting to survive. Stage four, emptiness and depression. This is the lowest point. The anger fades away, and you're just left in this deep and dark void. This is where you might be thinking, I don't even know who I am anymore. Your confidence and motivation disappear. Nothing is appealing, and everything seems pointless. And guys can get stuck here for months if they don't take action. And finally, stage five, the rebuilding stage. This is where you start asking good questions like who do I want to be now? What actually matters, and where do I want to go from here? Boys, the good news is that every man who has made a badass comeback has gone through these stages. What I'm about to lay out for you is going to help you power through the first four stages so you can get to stage five and start kicking ass once again. All right. How to rebuild your identity even better than before. First, grab a pen and paper or bust out your notes app on your phone. Highly recommend it to actually write it down though. It solidifies this exercise a lot more. And feel free to pause as needed. There are five steps, and it is pretty involved. Step one, you're going to take stock of your identity before the relationship began. As we touched on above, these are things that you were putting your energy into before you started putting energy into her. Here are some categories to get you started. Your profession, your hobbies, the music you listen to, your health. How about this one? Your character. Your character is things like fun, chill, funny, smart, etc. This is a great one to settle into this exercise. So take your time and be intentional. Next, you're going to write down habits, beliefs, or behaviors you adopted to make her happy or to keep the peace. Some common ones out here are going on shopping trips, watching movies she likes, spending more time just sitting around with her. Next, you're going to write down habits, beliefs, and behaviors that you cut back on. Did you cut back on golf, on fishing? Did you cut back on your hobbies to free up time for her? Some guys just stopped going to the gym and exercising completely. Some guys sold their motorcycle, their card collection, etc. Next, you're going to take stock of your core values. These are things that you hold true to who you are as your own man. Take her out of the equation for this one. Core values, examples include honesty, drive, courage, strength, faith, creativity, ambition, etc. Now I know this first step might be painful, but this is the most important one. This is a way for you to find out if you had abandoned any of your core values, standards, and hobbies to keep their relationship alive. This first step is designed to give you the awareness you need to continue through the next four steps. Again, take your time, be detailed and intentional. Alright, step two, reconnect with who you truly are. Answer the following questions. What kind of man do I want to be when no one is watching? Next, what matters more to me than being in a relationship? This can be things like freedom, strength, self-respect, adventure, etc. Last question. And last thing for step two, you're gonna write down five core values that you want to focus on improving starting today. This is basically gonna be your compass for the next year, and you're gonna carry these into step three. Alright. Step three, rebuild through daily action. And we have to remember that it's not enough to think your way into a new identity. You have to act your way into it, or rather, put energy towards it. With your five core values to improve in mind, think of one thing you can do every day to reground yourself into each of them. This is where you get to be creative. If strength is a core value, you can make a plan to work on your body every day or a workout schedule that makes sense to you. If drive is a core value that you want to work on, you can come up with a plan to go for that promotion at work or reignite an old hobby that you'll put some serious time into. You need to work on these five core values every day or at least a couple of times throughout the week, whatever you think is appropriate. And you need to start small. If you take on too much too fast, you might hit a wall where you get overwhelmed and just give up on all of them. The key here is consistency. And if you either forget or procrastinate on one, don't be ashamed. But you got to kick it back on. Otherwise, you might slip back into old habits and just fall off of this exercise altogether. You're gonna be doing more than your brain wants you to do, but you gotta remember that your brain wants you to be stuck. Your brain wants to keep you in the past, your brain does not want you to push forward right now. But of course, you are bigger and more important than that. You have a life to rebuild. This might be tough for the first few days or weeks, so be ready for that. It's just part of the process. And yes, it gets easier with momentum. So be consistent. I also recommend putting these action steps on your calendar. For each one, after you check it off, you need to give yourself a positive message that moves you forward. For example, after you complete a task, you can look at it and say, Yes, this is who I am. Alright, step four. Ready to get even more creative? This is your badass vision. Who will you be twelve months from now? Four things you're gonna write down. How do you look? How are you carrying yourself? What does your day look like? And how are you handling life stress? This is one you're gonna read every single morning. I know this one will be tough if you're waking up at 4 a.m. to work 12 hours. One thing you can do is put this in your car so when you start it up in the morning, you can take that 30 seconds and read it over before you head out. And don't be afraid to tweak it as you progress through your future. Your vision of your future self might change as the fog lifts, but you must read it every morning. This is basically slowly rewiring your brain to orient your actions and thoughts towards your badass vision. Now finally, step five single player mastery. Start incorporating things you like to do by yourself and make some moves to try new things solo. Things like going to a movie or restaurant, a road trip, or some meditation by yourself. And if it feels weird to do it alone, guess what? You need to do it. Not all the time, of course, but you have to sprinkle it in here and there in this next year. When you force yourself to do those things alone, it helps reprogram your brain twice as fast. And here's a little secret for you: the biggest reason that we do this is that a man who is comfortable being alone is dangerous because he can't be controlled by loneliness or the fear of losing a woman. And that is it for our five-step exercise. Guys, rebuilding your identity is not something that you do quickly. It takes time, but every single action you take towards that badass vision is one more percent towards the goal of who you want to become. If you go into these five steps with intention and push through the urge to procrastinate and commit yourself to each step, despite how you feel, you will emerge stronger, smarter, and way more confident than even before the relationship started. This is the foundation of your badass comeback. So in the intro, I mention how societal programming leads to this loss of identity. And how this happens is actually pretty simple. You have a dude, you have a chick, they're both single, they're living their values and doing their own thing. Then they meet and start dating, their lives start intertwining, and then as a result, some of what makes them the individual they are takes a back seat to the relationship. This is where you hear of couples who stop trying to look hot, they stop hanging out with their friends and family so much, and they stop doing the things that make them feel like themselves. It sounds bad, right? Well, our society thinks this is normal. You, however, are different. You are learning the ways of the badass. And we just talked about one of the first steps towards your badass comeback. Part of that comeback is holding your badass vision true for the rest of your life. What this means is no matter what, no matter who is in your life, you never stop doing the things that make you the man you are. Too many guys start sacrificing the important things, their health, their hobbies, their time with friends and family to spend more time with her, either initiated on their own or at her request. This is probably the number one thing that makes her lose attraction and start to pull away. And this is one of those confusing things about the feminine. She wants you to spend more time with her, but she doesn't understand that if you do that by sacrificing the things that attracted her to you in the first place, she's going to lose interest. Very rarely will you get a woman who says, Hey, uh, you've been watching TV for the last like five months and you're getting fat. Why don't you go play basketball with your friends like you used to do? I love when you come home all sweaty and hot. And as confusing as this is, the solution to this is very simple. You must stay on course. Your course. And yeah, you move some things around here and there to make time for her, but your top five values from above need your attention and dedication first and always. You are the man you are, no matter who is in your life. Why sacrifice any of that if there's no guarantee that she's gonna stick around? And if she doesn't like those things that you do, then she's obviously not for you. Leave room for a woman who encourages you to do those things and can deal with a little sadness that she isn't quite getting a hundred percent of the time and attention that she wants from you. Future relationship advice aside, guys, I know the type of man you are. If you're listening to this, I already know that you want the best for yourself. You want to not only break out of this slump quickly, you want to elevate your life higher than before. And you already have what it takes. And you've already made that first step listening to this episode and writing out those five steps that we just laid out. And you are brave. Only a strong man can push through these shit feelings and just work the solution anyway. This is how a badass is forced. When you look in the mirror, you should see a badass motherfucker staring back at you. Have faith in yourself. I have faith in you. All right, guys, that about wraps it up for today. Quick announcement. I know this was a shorter one, and with my first kid arriving in the next few weeks, I might be doing even shorter episodes here and there, but of course, I'm still gonna pack them with the best comeback strategies and encouraging messages that I can bring you. So I appreciate your understanding with this, and I will see you next week. Take care, boys. Thank you for joining me in another badass episode, brother. If you want to accelerate into this new chapter in your life and get a boost into your badass journey, sign up for a free 45-minute consultation for post breakup or divorce coaching. All the info is in the episode description. Also, please remember to like and comment. And if you know anyone who could use this info in their badass journey, please share this episode with them. None of this will be possible without you guys, so thank you again, and I will see you in the next episode.