Just 'BE A MAN' About It? - Finding Balance After Heartbreak | 22

Society tells you to “just be a man about it.”

Suck it up. Suffer in silence. Don’t talk about it. Meanwhile, the other side pushes victimhood — “It’s all her fault. Poor you. Stay angry forever.”  Both approaches are keeping you stuck.  In this episode of The Badass Comeback, I break down why “just be a man” toxic masculinity and victim mentality are both damaging after a breakup or divorce — and how finding the right balance is the real path forward. You’ll learn:

• Why suffering in complete isolation slows down your healing
• Why playing the victim keeps you weak and powerless
• The powerful middle path: Doing the hard work on yourself by yourself while strategically rebuilding social connection with family and friends
• How balanced social interaction helps restore your dopamine and motivation naturally

When you find this balance, you’ll heal faster, rebuild real confidence, and come out stronger — without pretending you’re fine or wallowing in self-pity.

This is the mature, masculine approach most men never learn.  If you’re tired of feeling stuck between “toughen up” and “feel sorry for yourself,” this episode will show you a better way.

But you also can’t wait for someone else to save you.  Let’s find the balance and build your comeback. 

#BreakupRecovery #DivorceRecovery #MensMentalHealth #MasculineBalance #NoVictimMentality #RebuildYourLife #PodcastForMen #BadassComeback

Hosted by Chris Ryan - Professional Life Coach | B.A. Psychology

Breakup and divorce recovery coaching for men

For coaching inquiries and general questions, email: coachchrisryan@gmail.com

*The BCP is 100% self-funded and does not run ads.

Keywords: breakup recovery for men, divorce recovery for men, rebuilding identity after breakup, masculine qualities after divorce, feeling incomplete after breakup, reclaiming masculinity post-breakup, life after divorce for men, men's self-improvement after breakup, healing from heartbreak men, post-breakup identity crisis men, divorced men recovery, broken up men healing, men's mental health after relationship ends.

Transcript

SPEAKER_00 0:01

As a man, no one is coming to save you. Man up. Don't show weakness. Suffer alone. Right? Welcome back, guys. Today's going to be another shorter one. We're going to talk about a subject that I think is frequently misunderstood about what us guys should expect from ourselves when we're dealing with bad life circumstances, be it losing a loved one, rock bottom, a breakup or a divorce, anything that is tough to go through. And this episode is not going to encourage you to just start vomiting your feelings onto people or to post about it on the internet. But this isn't going to be a man up kind of episode either. Well, partially at least. What I want to do today is reveal a good middle ground, a space in between two extremes, which are being completely reliant on other people and isolation. First, we're going to touch on some of the psychology around the subject. People who are overly reliant on other people to feel better about themselves are usually perpetual victims in their life. People with victim mentality are at high risk of depression, anxiety, and chronic stress. They're also usually very low in empathy and think that they're morally superior because of whatever they're constantly complaining about. These are people who are also extremely resistant to change, especially if they're getting validation for their victimhood from other victims around them. Overall, this is the type of person who just can't get out of their own way. They will stay stuck exactly where they are, and no matter what opportunities show up in their life, they will always say no because they are not strong enough to handle the challenges that come with those opportunities. Now, on the other side of that is isolation. For a lot of us guys, our chick is our primary and sometimes only source of emotional support. She is also, in some cases, our only bridge to our social life. Take both of those away, and it's like being stranded on an island by yourself. And you couple this with the male desire to fix this on my own and the societal expectation of be a man about it. And you have a recipe for numbing through alcohol or drugs or just internalized stress. And guys who give themselves solitary confinement after a heartbreak for an extended period of time can wind up with heart issues, dementia, and elevated cancer risks. Now, I think there is a large societal expectation of us guys at play here, and that's the whole you have to go through this alone, no one cares, no one's coming to save you, be a man about it, stuff like that. And nowadays, that's all over the internet. But of course, society and the internet get a lot of things wrong about mental health and relationships, and correcting that is part of my mission on this podcast. Guys who isolate themselves and cope in negative ways are at high risk of depression and suicide. Forty to 50,000 men take their own life every year in the United States alone after a really bad breakup or divorce. And guys, I'm just going to say this right now. There are right ways to deal with loneliness and wrong ways. Two of the wrong ways are those extremes that I mentioned above. Constantly seeking validation that you are indeed the victim and incapable of change will keep you helpless forever. Isolation will screw up your health and severely delay any sort of healing, and you'll wind up worse off than even before the relationship started. And guess what? Both of those ways demonstrate weakness. There is nothing manly about relying on external validation from other people to feel okay with yourself. There is also nothing manly about lying to yourself and believing that you are weak unless you do all of the work on your own. And in my own experience, I've been on both sides of that coin at different points. There were times where I was constantly looking for reassurance that I was indeed the victim. One of my earlier relationships ended because my ex cheated on me. My friends and family were super empathetic. They were telling me that I was such a good guy, I didn't deserve it, I deserved somebody better, and I got used to that warm, fluffy feeling of security and confidence that was basically only coming from other people. As a result, in order to avoid the pain of the breakup, I was constantly talking about it and how it was affecting me. And eventually people started to get annoyed by me bringing it up so much. And when that happened, I finally went into post-breakup withdrawal. My whole seeking validation for being that victim delayed the painful healing I needed to go through in order to move on properly. I have also isolated a few different times. A couple of those times were when I was at rock bottom, and it took a friend reaching out to get me started clawing my way out. And the second time I clawed my way out on my own, but that's when I got it right. And it wasn't just me. I've seen plenty of people pull themselves out in a really healthy way. And that's what I want to bring to the table today, the best balance of fix it myself and reach out for support. And the balance is simple. There's action that you do need to initiate on your own, but there are preventative steps to avoid chronic loneliness, depression, and the physical ailments that come with it. The action that you have to initiate on your own is the whole man up part. The reality is, no one is going to hold your hand and physically literally lift you off the couch, fill up your calendar with new and fun things to do, or spoon feed you healthy meals. This is the part that you gotta do on your own. Part of being a man ties into being a badass. And that is doing what you know that you need to do despite how you feel. If you give in to your feels, you are gonna stay couch locked, you are gonna stay stuck in this loop of missing her, wishing things would have gone differently, or even trying to stay in contact with her. You have to prove to yourself that you are better than these shit feelings, and just get up and do the thing anyway. Easier said than done, right? Yeah, to a certain extent. That extent is the first 10%. The first ten minutes after you wake up, those first ten seconds after you turn off the TV and get up to make yourself some healthy food, or even putting on some gym clothes just to do a home workout. The first ten percent of anything is always the hardest. So, yes, you have to put in a lot of effort to get your mind moving in the right direction. But once you do, you'll find it easier to do the rest of the 90%. Momentum. It takes momentum to get a plane off the ground. You just have to trust yourself that when you pin the throttles, you will gain speed, and then the rest of whatever you're doing is going to be much easier to finish. Now, this can be hard to maintain if you're not interacting with your fellow human beings during this time. Social interaction, even if it's a buddy coming over to watch the game in silence with you, will help get your dopamine levels back to normal. Right now, you're probably in a massive dopamine rut. Low dopamine makes it even harder to initiate that first 10% of whatever you're trying to do on your own. The fix for this is interacting with friends and family, even new people you meet to get those levels back to normal. And it honestly doesn't take much, but the part I've noticed a lot of guys falling short on is the reality that those people will not give you the same dopamine spikes you got with your ex. It's not a romantic connection. These guys don't get that high back and then they give up and turn to numbing agents to forget that they're in that hole. So, yes, the problem is heartbreak that leaves you feeling really low. Part of the cure is hanging out with people. Your brain will rewire that social interaction dopamine circuit faster, which will just help you start feeling better in general. Now, yes, it does take time, but it's a fraction of the time it would take if you had isolated yourself. Hanging out with people doesn't have to be an every waking moment thing, but it should be often. Here's an example. Say you work at 9 to 5 and you have weekends off. Making plans to hang out away from the house on Friday, Saturday, and Sunday will keep your mind occupied on your off time. Monday through Thursday after work, you can make some phone calls, call distant relatives, reconnect with old friends, whatever it is, figure out a schedule that makes sense to you. Put it on your calendar, the outings, football Sundays, even your phone calls to your family. The last thing you need right now is to be staring at an empty calendar. Now we have to talk about one of the plights of male pride, and that is the fixed mindset of I don't need anybody, I can handle this on my own, I don't want to appear weak by reaching out for support, etc. And guys, yes, you can have that mindset when it comes time to do work on yourself by yourself. A lot of what we explore on this podcast is how to do just that with all this new free time that you have. It helps reground you into your true identity, tear down old parts of your life that no longer serve you, and start building your badass comeback. I encourage you to take that time on your own. It's only going to strengthen your self-confidence, self-worth, and self-trust. The part that I want to differentiate is the socialization part. Now, the picture most guys paint is one of them calling a buddy or their mom in tears and just dumping their feelings onto them. Cringe? Yeah, you could say that. But if you have this picture in your head, I want you to get rid of it right now. When you do reach out, you have a choice. You can talk about the breakup or you can talk about things to get your mind off of it. In the past, when I was reaching out to family and friends, it was like a 90-10 mix and it was determined by me. 90% talking about and doing anything that was unrelated to the breakup, and 10% talking about it if I felt like it. If I didn't feel like talking about it and someone asked how I was doing, I would say something like, I'm doing all right, I appreciate you asking, but honestly, I really just called to get my mind off of things. Do you want to go do X, Y, or Z later today? And they would respect that wish and just help me get refocused on something fun or carry on a convo unrelated to the breakup. And this is what I suggest you do as well. You have to be the one to reach out, but you also have to be the one to choose where the conversations go. There's nothing wrong with telling the supportive people in your life that you want to talk about other things for the moment. And there's a big distinction here that we have to address. Reaching out for support does not mean please help carry me. I'm not strong enough to make it on my own. Reaching out means that you are strong. Strength is doing whatever is necessary to start feeling better faster. And part of that is interacting with people. You don't have to ask for help at all. You can just hang out and talk about whatever. You're already doing a lot on your own to get back on your feet faster. That's the meat and potatoes. You sprinkle in some social interaction and you have a recipe for success. Now, quick side note: make sure that you're not spending so much time out and about that you don't have time to work on yourself. We can't be avoiding the responsibilities that come with a badass comeback. And part of that comeback is yes, uncomfortable. Being alone can be scary in the beginning. You gotta push through these uncomfortable times and do the work on your own. Social interaction here and there is only gonna help with that. And remember, this is about resetting your dopamine levels faster than sitting on the couch wishing you were feeling better. When you hear shit on the internet or from other people, like, as a man, no one cares about you, man up, suffer alone, etc., understand that it has its time in place. And yes, it is true to an extent, but you can't let that be the only way you deal with shitty life things that happen to you. When it's a bad breakup, you still need some human interaction to help you feel better faster and speed up your healing process. Kind of like when a family member passes away. Usually the rest of the family comes together to support each other and transition into this new chapter. They grieve together. They may argue about what to do at points, but they are still together. Many families say that their bond as a family grows stronger when a loved one passes. And understand that right now, you're probably grieving the absence of someone that you are close to. A bad breakup or divorce can bring grief similar to that of a family member or close friend passing away. If you're feeling angry, lonely, hurt, sad, or confused, that's all normal. It means you're human. If you didn't feel any of that, I'd be concerned. Wrapping things up here, guys, I trust that you will find that balance if you haven't already. This podcast gets you everything that you need to optimize the work you do on your own. The other piece is spending time with other people you care about. You don't have to let your situation define you, and you don't have to let your fear of not being man enough define you. In fact, you shouldn't. You can do this the right way. And that's part of what being a man is all about. We work the solution, despite how we feel and what society says we're supposed to do. The only person's opinion of you that matters is yourself. So keep that balance going, guys. This is the best way to bounce back quickly. In a few months, you're gonna look back and be glad that you put that effort in. Alright, guys, thanks for being here with me today. I'm leaving you with a quote from C.S. Lewis. Quote There are far, far better things ahead than any we leave behind. See you guys next week. Thank you for joining me in another badass episode, brother. If you want to accelerate into this new chapter in your life and get a boost into your badass journey, sign up for a free 45-minute consultation for post breakup or divorce coaching. All the info is in the episode description. Also, please remember to like and comment. And if you know anyone who could use this info in their badass journey, please share this episode with them. None of this will be possible without you guys, so thank you again, and I will see you in the next episode.