The First 30 Days Blueprint: What to Do (and Not Do) After a Breakup or Divorce | Part II | 23.2

You've hit the two week mark!  Now it’s time to start building real momentum. In Part II, I walk you through Weeks 3 and 4 — the phase where you move from just surviving to intentionally rebuilding.  You’ll get a clear plan for:

• Doing the deep identity work (Fixing the Identity Split)
• Strategically reconnecting with friends and family to boost your mood and dopamine
• Creating your Future Self vision and starting to set real goals again
• Locking in the Minimum Viable Routine so it becomes automatic

This is where things start to shift. You’ll begin feeling more grounded, clearer in the head, and more hopeful about the future.  By the end of these two weeks, most men report:

• Feeling noticeably better and less foggy
• Having a stronger sense of direction
• Finally being able to think about their next badass goals instead of just trying to make it through the day

If you’ve been feeling lost and want a practical roadmap for Weeks 3 and 4, this episode delivers exactly that.

You don’t have to figure this out alone.  Let’s build the next chapter. 

#First30Days #BreakupRecovery #DivorceRecovery #MensMentalHealth #RebuildYourLife #PodcastForMen #BadassComeback

Hosted by Chris Ryan - Professional Life Coach | B.A. Psychology

Breakup and divorce recovery coaching for men

For coaching inquiries and general questions, email: coachchrisryan@gmail.com

*The BCP is 100% self-funded and does not run ads.

Keywords: breakup recovery for men, divorce recovery for men, rebuilding identity after breakup, masculine qualities after divorce, feeling incomplete after breakup, reclaiming masculinity post-breakup, life after divorce for men, men's self-improvement after breakup, healing from heartbreak men, post-breakup identity crisis men, divorced men recovery, broken up men healing, men's mental health after relationship ends.

Transcript

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Let's go. Welcome back, boys. Today is part two of your 30-day blueprint to get you back on your feet faster so you can start paving the way on your badass comeback. Last week we talked about super easy things to schedule for weeks one and two. Those actions are designed to reprogram your brain away from the emotional loops and into structure. Your brain does that work on the back end, not only while you're executing those tasks, but also when you go to sleep. Now I'm going to be real, at the end of week two, you might be feeling better, you might not be. Not yet, at least. If one situation is different and no two people move on at the same speed. What I want to convey is for you to not get discouraged. These things are challenging and they take time, but it is still only a fraction of time compared to not taking any action like this at all. So if you're not feeling like you're making progress, just know that your brain is still reprogramming itself on the back end. Trust the process and above all else, trust yourself. So let's get into weeks three and four. This is where you're going to start covering some more ground and start to get regrounded. Grab your calendar or whatever you've been using to take notes. We're going to be adding on to your weeks one and two tasks. All right, the beginning of week three, item number one. Block out 10 to 15 minutes for fixing what I call the identity split. This is going to be an everyday thing, and the time of day is up to you. The identity split happens in the relationship where parts of your identity either change, disappear, or adapt to her identity. Journaling this is going to help reground yourself into who you truly are. And even if you don't think this is something that has affected you, I still want you to sit down and think about it. This is something that might be hidden away in your consciousness. And if there's anything there, we have to dig it up. So here's your prompt, and I'll give you a few extra seconds to write it down. What parts of me were truly mine?

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And what parts were shaped by the relationship? Here it is again.

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What parts of me were truly mine, and what parts were shaped by the relationship? Here's some subprompts I recommend you write down to explore also. What did I stop doing because of the relationship? What beliefs or habits did I adopt just to keep the peace? And what values or interests did I suppress? Here's some examples when you're ready. Example one. I used to love going to the gym five days a week and working on my truck on the weekends. I stopped all of that because she didn't like me being gone so much. I also became way more passive. I used to speak my mind, but I learned to shut up to avoid arguments. I realize now I gave up a big part of my freedom and my voice just to keep her happy. Example number two. I saw myself as the provider and protector. My whole identity was, quote, the guy who works hard and takes care of everything. When she left, I felt like I had no purpose. Looking back, I ignored my own needs for years. I stopped hanging out with my friends and pursuing promotions because I was always trying to make her feel secure. I lost myself trying to be the perfect husband. Example three. I became a huge people pleaser. I would agree to things I hated just to avoid conflict. I also buried a lot of anger. I was pissed about a lot of things in the marriage, but never said anything. The version of me in that relationship was calmer on the surface, but weaker and more resentful underneath. I want to get back to being direct and honest, even if it makes people uncomfortable. So given the prompts that we talked about above, write these out freely for 10 to 15 minutes at a set time of your choosing every day for week three. Be honest and don't judge what comes up. There is no wrong answer. Alright, let's move on. You're going to add a little more onto your exercise routine. If you just started weightlifting, I wouldn't necessarily recommend adding weight. I'd say add a couple more reps or add one more type of exercise. For you guys who are on a good gym schedule, add one more exercise to your routine or add weights if you think it's appropriate. Again, if these are just ideas, figure out where you can add that 10% and stick with it. A good one for you guys working out at home with no weights is to definitely add more reps and one more type of exercise. For cardio routines, add some distance. Whatever your routine is, just add that 10% how you see fit. And yes, keep the routine planned out on your calendar. For our next task, we're going to shift gears a little bit. Schedule a time to either call or hang out with your buddies or family members. Time and duration is up to you. And obviously, this one's going to vary with whoever it is. And remember, you don't have to talk about anything you don't want to, but you do have to initiate this on your own and you have the freedom to tell them that you don't want to talk about certain things. Social connection is really important during this time. It gets your dopamine flowing again and keeps you out of deep depression. So schedule out three times this week to either call or hang out with someone you trust. And if you get a voicemail, yep, try someone else. For you guys who have a small social circle, hop on social media, look for divorced men's groups. There are plenty of guys that are going through what you're going through right now and looking for some sort of connection. And for you guys who are in the midst of a breakup, you can still talk to guys who are going through a divorce. Your situations might be different, but the underlying truth is that both of you still need some sort of connection. So that's reaching out three times this week. Final task for week three: you're going to recap on your identity split journal entries on the last day of this week. Go ahead and do your regular journal entry, but before you put it away, you're going to take a look at what you've written down for the last seven days. Take a step back and see if you can notice any patterns. Look for consistencies and categorize what they are. For example, if you've noticed that a lot of what you wrote has to do with how you neglected your hobbies, maybe reigniting that hobby could be a good next step for you. Look for patterns in how you were showing up in the relationship too. For example, if you're walking on eggshells instead of speaking your mind, maybe finding ways of becoming more assertive is in the cards for you. Or maybe you did speak your mind, but it was always met with her starting an argument or a fight. In this example, maybe it wasn't you. Maybe you'll want to avoid women with that type of behavior in the future. Whatever it is, look for trends and patterns and start thinking about how you can do things differently in the future. There's no need to take immediate action if you don't want. This is basically you coming up with ideas to implement down the road when you're ready. In order to have a complete comeback, we can't be repeating old things that were broken, either from our own behavior or tolerating poor behavior from others. And so that's it for week three. And before we tackle week four, we're going to go ahead and get rid of some stuff. Here we go: Isolation. Find excuses to get out of the house. Go for a bike ride, a swim, a walk, drive out to see people, even just grocery shopping more. A trick I did years ago when I was at Rock Bottom was going to the grocery store every day after work, and I only got what I needed for the next 24 hours. This would actually pair well with week two's one healthy meal per day schedule, of course, with breakfast preferred. And what this did for me was basically delay when I'd be home. I purposely chose a store that was out of my way so I'd kill an extra hour away from the house, just me in my car, listening to music and podcasts. And I know it can be difficult to avoid being home all the time, but this is where you get to be creative. Figure out ways to get out of the house that work for you. What about errands? Do you need to do a dump run? What about replacing those old shower mats? And we talked about this in episode two, modifying your environment to create new pathways in your brain and get refocused on your own life. Change things up a bit. Shower curtains, bath mats, pillowcases, rugs, anything you can think of. Go out and get new different colored stuff if you need it and can afford it. For you broke guys out there, like I was after like four of my bad breakups, go to a thrift store and pick up some new clothes. Donate old clothes and stuff that she bought you. How about this one? Do you need a haircut? Do you need to trim that beard? And honestly, guys, you'd be amazed how a fresh haircut will instantly make you feel better. Go to your barber just to get out of the house. Like I said, do what you have to do and get creative. And if you get invited out and your calendar says that you're free, just go. Obviously, take it easy on the parties and bars. Unless you want to be a badass and cut all that out completely, highly recommend it. At least until you start feeling better. Which leads us into the next thing to get rid of. Stay on that path of minimal or no alcohol. One more thing is doom scrolling in social media. We started cutting back during week two. You might be craving it, but just remember that doom scrolling in social media activate the same areas of your brain as drug addiction. It's dopamine. And it's dopamine you're wasting instead of saving it for what counts, like social interaction, exercise, healthy food. Yes, even food will taste better if you're not dumping your dopamine into your phone. And yes, I also mean adult content. You already shouldn't be doing that. If you have an urge, just use your imagination and take care of yourself that way. Adding the screen just makes the post nut clarity that much worse. And cutting out those types of videos and holding back as long as you can stand is actually a totally unfair confidence boost hack. And speaking of confidence boosters, this ties into another issue that I want to address. Now looking back, I kind of wish I had put this in last week's episode. But if you haven't already, you should not be talking to your ex. There are hundreds of reasons to go no contact, but the main one for your 30-day blueprint is that she could undo your progress, especially if she finds out that you're working on yourself in a constructive way. Cutting contact already increases the chance of her trying to come back. Working on yourself makes you more attractive in general. So do the math. Now, if you happen to jump back into hanging out with her or reigniting their relationship, just be warned that you might be putting yourself in a situation where you stop doing all the badass work you started and just go back to how you were before, all because you got those warm and fuzzies back. So whatever you do, just understand that you might be faced with the urge to give up on this. And I most certainly hope you choose wisely. And personally, if I was in the middle of a 30-day blueprint, I would ignore everything from her, at least until my blueprint was done. If she had been trying to reach me, I'd do some serious thinking about whether it would make sense to start talking to her again. You're more likely to make rash decisions when you're emotionally compromised. And that is one of the benefits of this blueprint is to take you out of that mindset. This is your life. If she chose to leave it, you have zero obligation to take her back. At the end of the day, all I really want for you is to protect yourself and make the wisest decisions possible. So, no contact. So there's week three, 10 to 15 minutes of identity journaling every day at a time of your choosing. Add 10% to your exercise routine. Reach out to family or friends three times this week to either catch up on the phone or hang out. Find excuses to get out of the house. Say yes when invited out, stay off the alcohol and stuff, cut more social media and scrolling, cut the adult content, and start resisting those urges. And no contact. All right, week four. This is where you're going to be building momentum. You're also going to start developing your future self-vision. We are keeping everything on our calendar from weeks one, two, and three, except for the identity split journaling. You can put that down for now and come back to it when you need it in the future. What we are going to do is add on to the minimum viable routine or MVR that you started building in week two. Let's go down the list of five items real quick and I'll tell you what to add. First item, wake up in anchor. You're good on this front. Stay the course. Next, move your body daily. Add another 10% onto your scheduled exercise routine. Number three, eat like a badass. On week two, we scheduled out one healthy meal per day. You're going to bump that up to two per day. Number four, rebuilding your mind. We already have 10 to 20 minutes of reading or journaling every day. For this week four, add one thing that you've always really wanted to learn about but never dove into. And you have flexibility on this one. It can either be via book or YouTube or whatever method you choose. Keep this one at 10 to 20 minutes per day, more if you'd like. This will engage your brain even more. It's going to give you more good dopamine by learning something that you're interested in. It goes a long way. And when you throw that on top of the journaling and reading that you're already doing, you're rebuilding two different parts of your brain at a slow and steady pace. It also helps to rebuild your identity. I remember a long time ago, I was crashing on a buddy's couch after a horrible breakup. On the way back from work, I listened to an audiobook for the 30-minute drive. And later that night, I throw on a documentary about the SR 71 Blackbird. It was something I'd always wanted to learn about, and it reminded me that I was indeed a gearhead, engineering technology. I just felt more like myself again. Finally number five from the NVR, end your day strong. This is the reflecting on what went well versus what can improve tomorrow. Stay the course on this one as well. And one last thing for week four. On the last day of week four, well, first give yourself some props for making it to the end of your 30-day blueprint. We have one more task, and then you have to schedule something fun to do. Put this one on your calendar for the last day of week four at a designated time. Your 90-day badass vision. Block out at least 30 minutes to be safe. When you sit down for it, take some time with this one and write it out. Here's your prompt. Who am I going to be in three months? Who am I going to be in three months? Here are some subprompts. What are badass habits I can have up and running by then? And what do I want to see when I look in the mirror? Here's an example of what those answers could look like. Who am I going to be? 90 days from today, I'm going to be walking taller. I'm going to be more at peace, less sad, and looking at a full calendar with fun things to do with friends and hobbies. I'm going to feel confident, energized, and ready for new challenges. My badass habits will be working on my truck, working on the side business in a killer gym routine. I'm also going to research how to invest once I pay off debt. What do I see when I look in the mirror? I see a badass in the making. He is strong, determined, and focused. He is ready to level up. Take your time with this one, boys. Once you're happy with your answers, start coming up with your own plan to work towards them. Not on the same day if you don't want, just work in that planning when you see fit in the coming days. So once you're totally done with the blueprint, you'll be at that point where you can pick what you want to keep on that calendar. Figure out what makes sense for you and go from there. For example, if you still want to keep waking up early on the weekends, more power to you. If you want to go ahead and sleep until like 7.30 or 8, that's also cool. However, you want to do it is up to you. Keep the things that are working for you and neither change or get rid of the things that aren't. And of course, don't forget to plan something fun on the last day. Quick recap of week four. Add another 10% onto your scheduled exercise routine. Go up to two healthy meals per day. Schedule out learning about something new and create your 90-day badass vision. And that's it, boys. 30 days to get back in gear. Each one of these weeks we planned out has its rewards and challenges. But just remember, when you're in the middle of a challenge and 99% of you wants to put it off or give up, you're only going to be reinforcing your drive, motivation, resilience, and confidence when you push through and just do it anyway. It's a cheat code. If you go into pain and challenges on purpose, life gets easier and you get stronger. That is as reliable as the sun coming up tomorrow. And speaking of badass goals, they compound over time. Each one you hit programs your brain to hit bigger and better goals in the future. This is how you build your own motivation. It's momentum. Don't give it up. And here is Confucius leaving us with this quote It does not matter how slowly you go, as long as you do not stop.

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See you guys next week.

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Thank you for joining me in another badass episode, brother. If you want to accelerate into this new chapter in your life and get a boost into your badass journey, sign up for a free 45 minute consultation for post breakup or divorce coaching. All the info is in the episode description. Also, please remember to like and comment. And if you know anyone who could use this info in their badass journey, please share this episode with them. None of this will be possible without you guys. So thank you again, and I will see you in the next episode.