Navigating the Public: When People Don't Understand Your Child

Hey y’all! Welcome back to Holy Ground Parenting.

Have you ever had a moment in public where your child did something unexpected and suddenly you felt like everyone around you was watching?

For parents raising children with special needs, those moments can happen more often than we’d like. And sometimes the hardest part isn’t what our child did — it’s how other people respond.

In this episode, I share a real moment Evie and I experienced with a stranger that left me feeling protective, frustrated, and later… a little disappointed in myself. We talk about the pressure special needs parents often feel to explain our children to the world, and how we can extend grace to ourselves when those moments don’t go the way we wish they had. Our anchor scripture this week is 1 Samuel 16:7.

If you’ve ever walked away from a hard interaction wishing you had handled it differently, this episode is for you.

And as always, we’ll remind ourselves of a comforting truth: even when people don’t understand our children, God does.

Transcript

SPEAKER_00 0:03

Hey y'all. Welcome back to Holy Ground Parenting. I'm your host, Marie Kennedy, and I'm really glad that you're here. This past week, y'all, has been one for the books. I feel like I say that every week, but this week was spring break, this past week and the time change. First of all, can I just say, can we please get rid of the time change? I like having the later sunsets and and you know the later evenings. I like that, but I hate the change process. I know we're not supposed to say hate for anything, but I hate the change process. Like I hate that process. It is anybody with kids, we all hate that process, okay? Like 95% of Americans who go through the time change, whether you have kids or not, hates that process. Can we just keep it like it is now? No more time change. I hate daylight savings time change. It's awful, awful, awful. Um, so anyway, so we had that, and we also had uh spring break this past week, which normally is not you know you know that bad. Normally sometimes we'll take a trip. This past week we did not take a trip just because we have the upcoming service dog stuff going on, and so uh, you know, we're saving up our time off for that. Uh, but anyway, so it's just been it's just been a crazy week. And then um, you know, we had a few nights in there where Evie did not sleep, and so that just compounds everything. But anyway, enough of my complaining. Y'all didn't tune in today to listen to me complain. So let's get into it. Uh, so anyway, but I am thank thank you, God. I'm sorry for complaining. Thank you, God, for the breath in my lungs and the clothes on my back and the food in my tummy and the roof over my head. I am thankful. I am thankful, even though I don't sound like it today. Okay, so today's episode, uh, and I honestly I kind of thought about changing it because I've had one of those mornings where uh or I've had one of those like days today where like you know you just have those days where you wake up and nothing goes right. Like we actually slept last night. Thank you, God, thank you, God, for that sleep. We all needed it. Uh, but uh like spilled a whole bottle of milk on the couch this morning by accident because I didn't put the top on correctly for Jack. And so I spilled a whole bottle of milk on the couch and I've tripped over a few things today, and so it just feels like I've had one of those days so far where just the devil's trying to get to me, you know, he's trying to trying to get me upset today. So I've had a few moments today where I've been like, should I change that episode to something else? And then and just you know, in my spirit, I just feel like, no, this is what I planned for, this is what we're gonna talk about today. So uh, so we're going forward with it. And I might cry just because today has been kind of you know one of those days. And so uh, so if this is the last episode you ever listen to, so sorry. Sorry that I'm crying throughout the whole thing. Uh, I'm not like this every week, I swear. But uh I wanted to talk to y'all uh today about what happens out in public sometimes and some situations that we've been in in the past and how I've felt about that, um, and how I feel going forward and some things that I looked at in scripture to help remind me of who I am and whose child I am and who made me and who made my children and how much he loves me. And so I want to talk about that today. Sorry, if you hear my dogs behind me, they're shaking and you might hear them snoring in just a minute. But anyway, so today's episode we're focusing on when people don't understand your child. And our core theme today is just like learning how to respond with grace when the world misunderstands your child and remembering that God sees what other people don't. Our uh anchor scripture today, our key scripture is gonna come out of 1 Samuel uh 16 7. And I just I love this, I love this book. I love 1 Samuel uh because it talks about Saul and and and the establishment of kings uh and Dixie, Dixie, chill out on the water, bruh. Hey, chill. Sorry about that. But have you ever had a moment in public with your child where something small happened and then all of a sudden you just feel like every eye in the room was on you? Like maybe your child grabbed something that didn't belong to them, or maybe they had a meltdown. Maybe someone had a comment that made you feel like you had to explain yourself or explain your child. If you're raising a child with special needs, those moments happen more often than we'd like. And sometimes the hardest part isn't what our child did, it's how other people respond or react to it. So, like I said, the focus for today's episode is what it looks like when people don't understand your child. And I wanted to start off this episode talking about something that there's lots of stories that I feel like I could probably talk about, but this one story has always stuck out in my mind since it happened. A little over a year or so ago, Evie and I had one of those moments. So I'm not gonna go into too much detail because I don't want to offend anybody, uh, but uh, but we were at an event and there were programs for this event, and um it was it was um you know a crowd, we were in a different space. We were not in Evie's like normal space, like we weren't at school or church or anything like that. Um, but we were at an event, and uh this lady who was sitting across, we were at a table, and this lady who was sitting across from the table, she was a stranger, I did not know her, and uh she had a one of those programs in her hand, and Evie saw it, and I did I did not have one of the programs, so like she had not seen this before or anything, it was just something new to her, and she saw it and immediately wanted it because it was something new and different, and so she so she reached and she snatched it, or she tried to grab it from that lady. Well, this lady uh had a different reaction than what we've experienced before. She kind of snatched it back from Evie and she said, This is mine. So she was kind of abrupt, and I'm immediately, immediately, I attempted to explain, I'm I'm so sorry. She, you know, she has autism and she has like zero impulse control. And whenever she sees something that interests her that she wants, her first reaction is to grab it or touch it, you know, she doesn't understand, you know, that it's that it's yours, um, and that you know, we shouldn't touch other people's things, you know. We we explain it to her, and at the time Evie was younger, you know, like I said, this was uh over a year ago, so uh, so she was still you know five-ish or yeah, maybe she was younger, but anyway, she was still a young child, and so she so I was trying to explain to this lady, I'm so sorry, she has autism, she doesn't understand, she has no impulse control. I'm so sorry. And the lady just looked at me and she said, That's not autism, that's called being a kid, and just was kind of rude uh in the way that she said it. And y'all, so if you know me personally, like if you really know me, I have a I have an anger problem, and I think I may have mentioned this before, but I have I have a problem with my temper, and it's something that I work on every single day, it's something that I struggle with every single day, is my anger, and I you know, I have a quick temper. And it took everything in me not to like snatch that lady up by her collar and take her outside and give her a peace of my mind. I mean, I was I was very close. I was also newly postpartum at the time. Uh, and so the the hormones did not help at at all in that moment. But how I felt in that moment was not only enraged, because I was enraged, I also felt protective, frustrated, embarrassed, sad, tired, tired of explaining to everybody around her because this world was not meant, or not built, not meant. I that's a wrong way to say that. That is not what I meant, but this world was not built with people with special needs in mind, and sometimes you just get so tired of other people not understanding. So sorry, not even probably five minutes into this, and I'm already crying. I told y'all it's been a day. Uh, but anyway, in the moment, I was so angry and but also I was embarrassed and felt like protective, but I felt like my go-to response is to apologize, you know. My go-to response is I'm angry, but also like I'm trying to fix it. So it hurt what hurt the most was how she treated Evie. She just, you know, like I said, just snatched the paper back from her from her and spoke really sharply. And and then Evie got upset because she didn't understand. And so I immediately tried to apologize and explain. But, you know, then again, she was rude to me too. And I just after I had like some time to think about it and later, you know, obviously I thought about it. I mean, I'm still thinking about it. Uh, but I thought about it for a while afterwards, and I realized the primary things, the primary two things that I felt was anger and disappointment in myself. I was angry that somebody would treat my child that way, but I was also disappointed that my first instinct was to apologize instead of standing up for Evie. Like I wish I had been more of an ad advocate for her in that moment, and that kind of vulnerability to me is very powerful in recognizing that because it led me to think about how I react to people, and I know I'm probably not the only parent who has walked away from a moment like that wishing that they had handled it differently. We often feel like we have to explain our child's behavior to the world. Um, you know, we can feel like we're responsible for making other people comfortable while also trying to advocate and parent in the moment. And it's just it can be exhausting. Um, you know, it can be frustrating, like I said, and and sometimes people will respond with kindness. And I've had I've had so many people who golly, gotta get it together. I've had so many people who've told me told me what a joy Evie is, and she is. She is a joy, she is a light in this world, but then you have some people who don't respond that way, and it's so heartbreaking to think about that, and to think about like why would you act that way towards a child? Why would you say hurtful things to somebody who number one is nothing but joy and light? You know, I mean she has her bad days, but for the most part, she is she is joy. I should have named her joy because she is so joyful. But also, why would you act so cruel, so cruelly towards somebody who obviously doesn't fully understand the situation? So anyway, get it together, Marie. Okay, um, anyway, so that situation has stuck with me, obviously, but it's made me re-evaluate the way that I respond to people. It's made me re-evaluate uh myself um and how I respond to anybody. I mean, I'd I would never, I would never respond in a cruel manner to someone who I could clearly see did not have an understanding of what was going on, um by no fault of their own, you know. And it's made me really change my expectations of navigating the public. And and I've grown up in just, you know, your traditional southern family where you know we are ingrained with manners from the time we could speak. Uh, you know, we say yes, ma'am, no, ma'am, yes, sir, no, sir. We are, you know, we grew up, I grew up in a house where manners were very important. And so I think that that's where a part of my, you know, my rush to apologize and and make the situation comfortable for for other people might come in. Uh, and so that's been something that I've had to kind of combat myself. Um, but but I think that it's important for us to realize it's okay. I mean, it's I mean, everybody can see the world in in the way that they see it, and they have their own perspective and they have their own um, you know, mitigating factors that that come in from their you know upbringing and and and their lived experiences. And I and I totally get that and I respect that. But I don't have to try to make everybody else comfortable at the expense of my child or at the expense of advocating for my child. My child, my children are always going to come first for me. Always. There is God and then there is my family. So that I mean, that's just that's how it is, and and that situation, that story that I tell that I told y'all really kind of brought that into focus for me. So people see a moment, and God sees the whole story, you know. People saw uh a child grabbing a piece of paper, um, or and God sees a child learning now how to navigate the world, and he sees the parent trying their best. Uh, so anyway, our scripture today comes from first Samuel, and it's first Samuel 16, 7, and just to give some context here is uh Samuel um is upset about Saul, who was the king, and he's upset and and and God is anointing David uh as the king. And so in uh 1 Samuel 16, 7 it says, But the Lord said to Samuel, don't judge his appearance or height, for I have rejected him. The Lord doesn't see things the way you see them. People judge by outward appearance, but the Lord looks at the heart. And that the second half of that, you know, the Lord doesn't see things the way that you see them, and people judge by outward appearance, but the Lord looks at the heart. That's the meat for today. Like that is the main takeaway in scripture that really made me settle on this scripture in this episode. Because God does not look at our outward appearance, he doesn't look at our you know, worldly things, he looks at our heart, at our motivations, at our priorities, at our in our children, he looks at their purity, their their joy, their love. You're not required to explain your child to everybody, and your child's worth isn't determined by how they act out in public. And they can have good days and bad days just like everybody else. I mean, I mean, they're human. We're human, we're gonna have a bad day. Literally, I was just you know, crying to y'all, telling y'all about how terrible my morning was. So I mean, we know everybody's gonna have a bad day, and and being understanding of that, and I and I realized maybe that lady had a bad day, maybe she had had a bad day, and maybe she reacted in a way that she normally wouldn't have. And that's something that I've thought about and had to, you know, been like, okay, I'm I'm sorry that I got so upset at that lady because of the way that she reacted. She did not know, and once she did know. She didn't act in the best way, but maybe that's something that she reflected on later and prayed about. But also, another takeaway here that I thought about, and I and I've really tried to repeat to myself is that other people's reactions are not my responsibility. They can react however they need to react or however they feel like they need to react. That's not my responsibility. My responsibility is my child, taking care of my child, making sure they are safe, making sure they feel loved, and making sure that they are respectful and kind and joyful and you know, living out the fruits of the spirit. That that is my responsibility. And for myself as well. But, you know, until my children are grown, until they understand that's that's my responsibility. It's my child and myself, our reactions, not someone else's reactions. And sometimes the most faithful thing that we can do is just simply to love our child well in that moment and keep moving. And that's kind of what we did. I mean, I, you know, I like I said, I didn't really react in the way that I wanted to because I just tried to like fix the situation at the time instead of really advocating for her. Uh, but after that moment, and after I kind of got Evie calmed back down, because like I said, she got upset afterwards, uh, because she didn't understand. So after that happened, we just kind of regulated, co-regulated with each other and calmed back down. And then like she had a great rest of the time. I mean, she had a great rest of the night, was happy. And one thing, one of the things I love about kids in general, but especially Evie, is that she sometimes, you know, if there's something fun going on or whatever, it's like nothing happened before then. She just wants to do the fun thing. And so it's like it's it's so in that situation, you know, she got over it pretty quick because there was a new fun thing happening, and she just wanted to go do that new fun thing. And she did, and she had a great rest of the night, and she probably never thought about that lady or the paper incident or any of that. But it but I obviously I did. I'm still thinking about it like you know, a year plus later. But has there ever been a moment that someone misunderstood your child? If so, I'd love to hear about it because we have stories like that, I feel like all the time. We'll go out in public and we'll go out to eat and you know, we'll have our her iPad or something. And and I've gotten lots of dirty looks about you know, her sitting there with her iPad, playing with her iPad, and I'm like, dude, this this restaurant's super loud. If I had an iPad, I'd probably be playing it too with with my headphones on because this is super loud in here, and she's sitting here, you know, relatively calm eating food. I'm I'm I'm gonna let her do that. That's what she's comfortable with. So, I mean, if you have a story like that, uh again, I'd love to hear it. Uh, just so that I know that I'm not the only one out there, but sometimes it feels like I am. Uh, but I'd love to hear it. Please join our holy ground parenting Facebook group, share your stories, let me know that I'm not the only one out there. Uh, but even when people don't understand our children, God does. He sees the joy and that they have, and he sees the love and the effort that we pour into them every single day. And I just want to remind y'all of that because I know that, especially in that moment, it was really hard for me to remember that that God sees their heart and he doesn't see the meltdown, he doesn't see the timber tantrum, he doesn't, you know, he doesn't see them eating a Cheeto off the floor after you told them not to, or something like that. You know, I mean, he sees, he sees their heart and he sees our heart too. So sorry for my crying therapy session today. I hope that I have, I hope that all of y'all don't stop listening after this because I just cried the whole time. But I want to go into our prayer today, just focusing on protection for our kids and grace for us as parents and peace whenever we feel misunderstood and we feel like our kids are misunderstood. So, Father God, we come to you today as parents who love our children deeply and want to protect them in a world that doesn't always understand them. Lord, you see every moment that happens in public spaces, the stares, the comments, the misunderstandings. You see the times when our kids are judged by a single moment instead of known for who they truly are. And you also see us as parents doing our best and learning as we go, and sometimes walking away from hard moments, wishing that we had handled things differently. God, thank you for the grace you give us in those moments. Thank you that your understanding of our children is deeper than anything the world can see. Please just help us to be gentle with ourselves when we feel like we didn't get it right. Help us to grow into the advocates our children need and give us wisdom and courage when those moments come again. Remind us that our children are fearfully and wonderfully made exactly as you created them. And when the world misunderstands them, help us to remember that you never do. We place our children and our hearts into your hands in Jesus' holy and precious name. Amen. Thank y'all for spending this time with me today on holy ground parenting. Like I said, if you've ever had a moment where someone misunderstood your child, I hope today's conversation reminded you that you're not alone. And even when the world only sees a moment, God sees the whole story. If this episode resonated with you, I'd love for you to come join our community on Facebook. You just search for Holy Ground Parenting. It's a space where parents can share their stories and encourage one another and walk along this journey together. And if this podcast has encouraged you, one of the best ways that you can help others find it is by leaving a quick review on whatever app you're listening on. Again, thank you for being here. And remember, even in the hard moments, you and your child are still standing on holy ground. I'll see you next time. And bye bye. Goodbye, goodbye.