When the Call Comes Home (Part 1): When the Critical Incident Finds You Off Duty

In this powerful episode of Ask the Tactical Trio, Becky shares the deeply personal story of responding to her first fatality, one that is quite recent and that happened completely unexpectedly when she wasn't working. Without hesitation, she shifted into first responder mode, performing CPR until emergency crews arrived. What followed, however, was a very different experience: processing the emotional and physiological impact without the preparation or structure that often exists when on duty.

But the real story begins after the call ends.

In the hours, days, and weeks that followed, she shares how she experienced the delayed emotional, cognitive, and physical effects that often come after a critical incident. Traci helps her explore what many first responders quietly navigate: nervous system activation that lingers long after the event, exhaustion, rumination, and the challenge of knowing what to do , but still struggling to do it.

In this episode, we discuss:

• Immediate and delayed responses to critical incidents
• Why the nervous system stays activated after a traumatic call
• The role of peer support and Critical Incident Stress Management (CISM)
• How social connection supports recovery and resilience
• Practical strategies for processing difficult calls
• Why stress after trauma is a normal physiological response, not weakness

Whether you're a police officer, firefighter, paramedic, dispatcher, military member, healthcare provider, or athletic therapist, this conversation normalizes the post-incident experience and reinforces one key message: you don’t have to process it alone.

Coming Next: In Part 2, Anna joins the Tactical Trio to break down - simply and practically - what happens inside the nervous system after a critical incident and how to regulate, recover, and build resilience.

If you have a question you'd like the Tactical Trio to answer, send it our way at askthetacticaltrio@gmail.com - you might be featured in a future episode! 

Transcript

SPEAKER_00 0:02

Welcome to Ask the Tactical Trio, where your questions meet real-world experience. We're three ATs and strength coaches with over 45 years working with first responders.

SPEAKER_01 0:14

From health and resilience to performance, leadership, and longevity, you ask, we answer. The perspectives shared in this podcast are our own and are intended to support conversation and learning. They do not necessarily reflect the views of the organizations we work with, serve, or are affiliated with. Real questions, real experience, real tactical wellness.

SPEAKER_00 0:35

Let's get into it. Welcome back to Ask the Tactical Trio. Today's episode is a little bit different as we have our first live Ask the Tactical Trio with a real experience from a real call. But before we start, we want to give a content warning. This episode includes discussion of a hit and run pedestrian incident, CPR, death on a scene, and traumatic stress. If this topic feels too close to something you have lived through, take care of yourself while listening. Step away if you need to. And if this brings up any thoughts of harming yourself or not feeling safe, please call or text 988 if you are in the U.S. or reach out to emergency support where you live. So our live caller today is our one and only tactical trio member, Becky. So Becky responded to a hit-and-run pedestrian incident where she performed CPR, the patient died, and afterwards she started noticing some things about herself and in her body once the scene was cleared. And so with that, um, I'm going to start off with first off, Becky. Welcome to Ast the Tactical Trio.

SPEAKER_01 1:55

Thank you, Tracy. I think we should mention that Anna's not able to make it right now, right? We have sometimes a hard time scheduling all of our lives together. Um, but uh we will be doing a couple parts with this. So she will be joining us for other ones. So don't worry, you won't be missing out on Anna. She will be here soon.

SPEAKER_00 2:15

Absolutely. Well, thanks, Becky. So thank you first off for taking the time to share your story because this is something that as an athletic trainer or even as a uh first responder, they may have experience with some of the things that you went through. So why don't you go ahead and again, this is our coffee talk, taking it to the taking it to the world and tell our listeners a little bit about what happened.

SPEAKER_01 2:42

Yeah. So, like I guess uh in my head too, and it's probably going to be disorganized as I think it is for most of us when we're sharing our story. Um, you know, I think this one hit. This was my my first fatality. Uh, and I think it hit a little different than if I was doing field work because it came at a time when my my brain really was not ready for it. So we have a long weekend here in in BC in in May, and my husband and I go up to our gold claim. Yes, listeners, you heard that right. We are very Canadian. We have a gold claim up in the bush. So we uh we got out on the road at 4:30 and we were hauling a trailer with a couple quads behind us, and we weren't even five minutes away from our house, so we were still in our our city, and we pulled onto uh a four-lane highway, so I think I said the time 4:30, 440 in the morning, and we're driving along and we saw debris in the middle of the road or large debris, and we thought it was a garbage bag or just something odd when we first saw it. But then as we were starting to drive past, we saw that there was legs, and so my husband immediately pulled over the truck and uh we got out to see what was going on. He jumped onto the call for uh 911 first. He he doesn't have any medical experience, so he automatically was oh okay, you're doing this. And but honestly, it I kicked into work mode really right away. Like Tracy, as you know, and and sure first responders, there's certain things that trigger in your brain where it's no, this is gonna be a work thing. Like this is this is where I need to use my skills, and when that happens for me, everything slows down, like, and I get this sense of calm versus versus panic for it. And so we get over to the individual, and they're in the middle of four lanes, and so yes, it's 4:30 in the morning, so it's not overly busy, but it was busy enough where we had to really, really make sure for our safety. Um, so my husband was busy trying to um make sure cars didn't get us. Um, and I was even doing that as part of my assessment process too. And honestly, my brain didn't even go to that it was a hit and run um until I was able to step off the road when the paramedics arrived. So when I first got to the individual, they like I couldn't see their their face and stuff. So I went through the whole process of checking, yelling, um, making sure I was safe. And it's interesting having worked with police and teaching first aid to police officers, um, very ingrained to look for weapons, which was you know, you don't do that as an AT, but there is definitely police things that went through my brain because of the population that we worked with. Um, the individual was unresponsive and unfortunately didn't have any um uh signs of life. So no, no heart rate, no breathing. So I went into compression only, CPR. Um, I usually have some medical supplies in my car, but we had our trucks, so we didn't we didn't have anything. So, you know, you focus on what you can do in that moment. Um, and I'm a big believer in energy changes when somebody passes or a being passes. So I was just trying to be also present for that individual at that time, not knowing where they might be in their process, and with obviously the the hope that I could do something to help bring not bring them back, but keep them, you know, somewhat around until paramedics came. Um, we were extremely lucky. Uh, our our paramedics arrived within four minutes, we figure, um, including police, including the firefighters. And it was a very long road, so we could see them coming. Um, what was one of the really big challenges, which um my husband struggled with more because we had two very different experiences with this, because he wasn't close to the body and he was managing traffic, was how many people don't stop? It was amazing how many people wouldn't stop. And honestly, there was one individual sent from heaven for us, and he just pulled up and he's like, I'm turning around blocking traffic. I can't remember his face, his car, and all he did was drive and block traffic with his vehicle. And after our experience and talking with people, um, you know, a lot of people expressed they might not have stopped because they wouldn't know what to do. They're like, Oh, somebody's already doing something, I don't know what I can do. Honestly, if you can block traffic, block traffic. It was amazing for us to have that individual block traffic. And given the situation where you're finding somebody on their own, um, it makes you feel like somebody else cares besides yourself. And that was a lot of feedback we had from our community, and even the first responders was the majority of people don't stop. And it's one where they thanked us for caring enough for that individual to stop. And it's it's tough. Like, I'm trying hard not to get emotional here because it didn't even cross our mind, like but I'm I am empathetic to those who aren't sure, right? I understand, but it just wasn't that option, and I think that was the tactical, like the athletic therapist in us, right? We see it and we're like, hmm, this is this is this is what I know I I can help here. Um and so once I transitioned away from the paramedics, they had uh their first round of paramedics and their advanced ones come, and they eventually called it called it on scene there. Um, we figure we were only just a few minutes away uh from that hit, and we didn't see anything. So we gave our our testimonials to the police officers. And honestly, I asked when I brought this up to Anna and Tracy about talking about it on the podcast, part of it is you guys know we love you guys as first responders. Um, but I do want to give a sincere thank you to all those that are first responders, the speed that everybody came. Um the different paramedics came to check on me. My police officer checked on me. I had victim services call me. Uh, so thank you for everything that you you do. It's um so appreciated. So please know, like, yeah, the three of us really appreciate what you guys do for your profession. Um after that, we you know, we gave our our position, so we headed back or like continued going on to our property that was out in the bush. And honestly, it was good. I was definitely emotional over the weekend, and I just let myself cry. Having been a uh trauma resiliency trainer and knowing about processing trauma, I just tried to let everything process, right? So I I never had the shakes, but I just I just wanted to cry because it was a very sad situation. And you know what really helped us that weekend was we were we were at the claim with um Steve's best friend and his kids and our dog's sister. And there's nothing that keeps you in the present moment, which is really good when you're you're dealing with a traumatic exposure, than being around kids or dogs. You know what? You can't you can't live in a different moment if you're around kids or dogs.

SPEAKER_00 9:48

So wow, I I I gotta say, Becky, um, there's quite a few pieces of this that matter, and I just want to recap a little bit and I think maybe for some clarification for some of our listeners that are on there. So, first off, you acted, like you recognized something was wrong, you stepped in and you just started doing what you needed to do as almost like a first responder, right? As an athletic therapist, you have that training, you chose to step in, which was which was quite amazing um on your part to begin with. And I'm really sorry, of course, that this patient died. Um even when the care is done quickly, even when people do the right thing, that outcome really still can happen. And it doesn't just disappear because the EMS arrived fast. And I think for our listeners to know that these things do happen, but you can acknowledge how you feel and you can acknowledge the processing piece of it. And I think that's what I'd like to go into as the next part of this conversation is you maybe breaking down a little bit of what happened. So again, the call ended, EMS took it over, the scene was cleared, your report was done. Um, but for a person who did perform the CPR, who kept their body and their brain in it, you know, what was that like for you? What did you feel? What did you experience in your body?

SPEAKER_01 11:29

Um honestly during it, I can't really tell you because there was no focus internally, right? All of my energy was uh external. Um, and and you know, since it's happened, I was trying to reflect on like what what state did I go into? Did I go into fight or flight or you know, freeze, or what did I actually do? Because it didn't feel like fight and it didn't feel like flight, but sometimes we don't notice it right away. And if anything, um I would say more afterwards, it was just that heaviness feeling. So a little bit more of that that just shut down and and freeze because I was exhausted for a week afterwards, right? Just absolutely could not think for very long. And and luckily I work in a workplace that that understands that, right? Um, and you know, you have these feelings of could I have done better? Was it could I have done CPR better? Like, did I check the pulses correctly? And I have to remind myself, like, you have checked thousands of pulses, you know, you've been a certified first responder for over 20 years. You teach first aid, like you have very advanced training. Um, so I may not have had that live CPR call before, but those are all basic stuff that we know well. It's so ingrained in us, right? So I have to keep going back to that. But I also know it's very normal. I know it's very normal to feel this way. And for listeners who may not have deep trauma knowledge, one thing that can make a traumatic exposure like this become a problem for you is a negative association with it. Um, whether somebody's saying, Why did you do that? or me saying to myself, why did I do that? Or just no responses at all. And so I was very mindful about trying to correct my own thought pattern, and that was very natural for it, so I don't get stuck into that. And luckily enough, we had a lot of community around us that gave us such good feedback, so we had a positive community response, including we did hear from the individual's family, and they were just very glad that somebody was was with them. Um, and so that also gave me a lot more peace, knowing that I could give them some closure, which they might not have had with that.

SPEAKER_00 13:53

So you know, the other part of that, and I I hear I hear my first responders talking about it, is just the the the faith side a little bit. Sometimes that question kind of kicks in on you know, I did all the things, you know, why this person, why me? And that you're right, there are a lot of um sometimes not helpful thought patterns that um become part of that. As you were going through then, and again, I know you've got training and experience that maybe the average listener doesn't have, but was there a strategy that kicked in when that negative thought pattern kind of started to hit that you're like, wait, I'm not supposed to do this, you know, and you kind of pivoted a little bit. Did you experience anything like that at all?

SPEAKER_01 14:44

Um, I I did, and I I want to say I didn't try and make it negative because I didn't want to be guarded and protected, being like avoiding it. And so it was acknowledging that I'm having those thoughts, and then trying to direct my thoughts to something positive, whether it's a positive or a good feeling in my body, um, or positives of what we were able to do, because those can't be neglected. And your brain does remember those parts, and so I'd feel it, but then I try and like finish it with with the positives because it's I don't want to avoid it. I want my brain to be able to process it, and it's part of that processing. And so after, so we were it was a long weekend, so we had the Monday off, and so I also knew okay, I'm going to be going to work and I'm gonna have my SISM team give me somebody from the SISM team to give me a debrief. Though I know all the protocols and I know what we need to do, like eat healthy and you know, do the things you like and move in a way that makes your body feel good and stay connected with people. And I did that all weekend, I still felt I could benefit from somebody telling me. And I'm really glad for that because we weren't back in the real world until we got home. And it wasn't until I was driving to work on the Tuesday that it really started to hit me. Um, and that's when I started to realize that my brain is hyper-focused on debris on the road. And so my and my drive's a long drive, it's about an hour into work, and so it was struggling that morning. So you combine that with knowing you're going to a workplace where you know everybody understands and everybody cares. So you know you're going to be basically going into a big department of support, also made me a little emotional too. Like I made it two steps into the door and and saw my my boss and started and started crying and told her about what happened. And uh and she was fantastic. She's like, do what you need to do. And one thing that I really want to share with everybody is here I'm expressing how I know I have all this abundance of support. And I did, and for those I shared it with, because not everybody knows, but even when I got into the office, the difficulty it was for me to send the text message to our Sism lead asking for help was so incredibly hard. It probably took me about 10 minutes of being like, okay, I'm gonna press send, I'm gonna press send, I'm gonna press send. So please know that even with people who know um what we need to do, it's hard asking for help. And I want to share that because if that can normalize it for somebody who knows they need to ask for help and they're struggling with it, um, it's hard. I I understand. And then uh yeah, even with uh the next because there's a bit of a process, uh, it was hard. But they showed up for me. And um, you know, there's other officers too who are very familiar with uh collision investigation who really showed up for me, and I really do well when I hear other people's experiences because it helps normalize everything, right? So if you have a SISM team and you haven't done a diffusing before, maybe you haven't, you've shied away from them, I do encourage you to try them because they are helpful.

SPEAKER_00 17:59

Wow, that's quite incredible, Becky, to hear how you went from okay, I'm on I was out on quote unquote vacation, right? Processed my things, came back to my agency, and you walk in your door, and just that difficulty of reaching out to somebody, I think is really important for everyone to hear, especially since so many of us do try to do some do this alone. And I think backing up on that exact topic is your police officers and your firefighters and your agency was checking in on you afterwards. And I think my question is kind of more of a two-part. So, what one, what did that mean for you? And but more importantly, what do you think would have been different if nobody had checked in on you? You know, if Anna, Anna and I hadn't reached out, if your agency hadn't reached out, I mean, how would that process maybe have been different for you? But I first like to hear what it meant that they were checking in.

SPEAKER_01 19:02

You know, uh, anyone who checked in with us, it just it meant so so much. And I I say that because, like we know, as part of CISM, like so you know, critical incident stress management, you need to stay socially connected because trauma, you tend to kind of revert back and disconnect. And as humans, we regulate well off each other, so we need that human connection. And I really saw the strength of that with this because it helped me keep from ruminating too much in terms of the what's, ifs, ands, or or buts. Um, it made me feel more grounded, it made me feel loved, it made me just it gave me more capacity to go through what I was going through. I think that's a good way to put it. You know, if you think of that that threat bucket, I felt like every social connection gave me more space in my threat bucket so I could do more to actually take care of myself. And you know, my husband processed it differently and he did a Facebook post and some friends saw it. So I had friends reaching out, which meant so much. And I can't imagine what it would be like if I didn't have friends reaching out or victim services reaching out. Um, I think it'd be very lonely in what was already an incredibly lonely situation. And I think it would be hard not to go down into what you know, me and my husband call the vortex of thinking of the ifs, ands, or or buts, because everybody else is kind of in that present moment and your brain is having a hard time of not being in that past, stuck in that moment, and it helps you get out of it and think a little bit more rationally about stuff. So, you know, the social connections really became uh they really became obvious to me how how important it is after something like that. And that was even what the kids were hanging out with, right? Like I gave one a hug that day and I'm like, you know what, you're helping me so much more than you would ever know, kid. Right, just for being them. They didn't do anything, they were just being a six-year-old.

SPEAKER_00 21:07

So very good. It is kind of neat how it sometimes distracts you too, right? Yeah, yeah, kids are amazing. Yeah, for sure. Well, Becky, I really want to thank you for sharing this because it's not an easy story to tell. And I think this is where a lot of responders and athletic trainers, athletic therapists, and and maybe even civilians sometimes get stuck. Um, we get so focused on measuring our outcomes, right? Especially us action-oriented people, right? Those of us that are, you know, very set on schedules and patterns and all that sort of things. And in these situations, if a person lives, it feels like we mattered. But if a person dies, we start questioning everything. I mean, everything. And I heard you talk about that a little bit today. Um, but in the essence, see, that's not how emergency care works. And we know that. We know you know that and all you know Anna knows that and we know that as athletic trainers and therapists. Um, but sometimes you do the right thing and you act fast and the outcome is still terrible. And so I just wanted to say, you know, it doesn't mean that that response didn't matter. Again, you stepped in, you did wonderful care. And so as we close this first episode, is there anything else that you want to share with our listeners um about your experience before we dive into episode two, where we'll talk about how and and what happened next, right? Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 22:34

Um, yeah, it's it shows up at a different rate for everybody, right? Mine was a little bit delayed. Um, and it can take a time to process, and it doesn't mean that it has become a traumatization for you. You know, it can take 30 days for your fit, your your body to finish processing what it was exposed to. And, you know, this really came light to me because less than a week after the incident, I flew to Europe for a trip with my best friend. And there it became very apparent that I also my brain, I should say, also doesn't like seeing people laying in random spots, right? It really struggles with that. If they're in a park in groups, that's okay, but it's a solo person laying on the ground that really bothers me. And you know that one, and I I can count on my hands how many times I've been angry in my life. Like it's not an emotion I experience. And we were in Norway and we went out to go for a walk one morning around seven in the morning, and there is someone, and they were dressed well, so I don't believe they're homeless, but laying on the sidewalk in a really weird way, and my brain couldn't get past it. And I was like, Okay, I'm okay. And then I realized, no, I'm I'm not okay because it it kept questioning, like, should we go check? Should we go check? Meanwhile, there is indicators that the person was fine, they were just doing something very, very odd. But I also know that's a very normal reaction, right? When that threat center part of our brain has learned a new threat, it's gonna look for it everywhere, right? Hence me not liking debris on the road and it it not liking people laying down. So, like thank goodness for some of my education, because I I was able to make sense of it right away. Um, but it takes time, you know, and seeing stuff like that is improving now and we're we're a month and a half out. Um, but just know it takes some time. And then if it does linger over those 30 days, um, then definitely make sure to reach out to a counselor, psychologist, uh, especially if um uh yeah, if it's sticking around. So it's it's a good thing to do.

SPEAKER_00 24:40

Okay, well, thank you again for for sharing that. So, listeners, this was a deep dive today. And so in our next episode, we're gonna bring in Anna um into the conversation and we're gonna break down the nervous system in as plain of language as we possibly can. We're gonna try not to overcomplicate it. We're not gonna make this therapy. We just really want to talk about what happens to your body and your nervous system after a critical incident um and what the reactions um are normal and normal. You can't see my ear quotes, normal, um, for those of you that maybe experience it. And so before we close out today, because we've been talking about the nervous system and just maybe a little teaser on where we're going with episode two and episode three, what is your favorite nervous system tool to help with regulation?

SPEAKER_01 25:32

Okay, so I will go with one that I'm using right now because I have a lot of favorite ones. Um, but one that I've been using more often than some of the other ones right now is is grounding techniques. Um, honestly, it's it helps me give my brain something to focus on. It makes me fall asleep really quick. Um, and if my brain gets busy in the you know rumination, it will it'll stop it for me. And so I'll usually start down at my feet and pay attention to how my feet are contacting whatever surface I'm on. So if I'm laying down, my heels on my bed, what are the backs of my calves, what are the backs of my fat thighs feeling like, and just make my way up to my head. And I never make it up to my head before falling asleep. Um, so it works out really, really well for me. So, and you can do it anywhere in a chair while you're driving, and nobody knows it's happening. So you can even do it when you're at work if you're in a boring meeting. So just uh FYI.

SPEAKER_00 26:28

Well, I'm gonna go more on the tool side of it, and I think Anna did as well. I'll share her answer in a second here. Um, I'm actually a big therapy um person for the nervous system. So getting into the muscle tensions and getting them to calm down um or relax a little bit, and then moving into some of the more complicated exercises like the basic exercise, um, you know, those sort of things. And so um, and Anna, when we asked her, Anna said her tool for nervous system regulation that she she likes right now is the gorgeous ball. Um, those of you that saw us at the tactical strength and conditioning conference, you saw us in action with those gorgeous balls. Um, they're pretty phenomenal tools to help um with the nervous system. So, with that again, thank you all for listening today. We're going to now break into episode two on trauma body, and uh we will see you in the next episode again, breaking down the nervous system and what exactly happened um with Becky in her experience. So, thank you for listening. If you have questions for Ask the Tactical Trio, um please feel free to send them in to our Gmail account, ask the tacticaltrio at gmail.com, or feel free to hit us up on any of our social media platforms. Thank you all and have a wonderful day. Thanks for being here with us today.

SPEAKER_01 27:59

If you have a question, make sure you send it in. We are super excited to build this with you. This is Ask the Tactical Trio.