The Real Link Between Mental Health And Fitness | Toby Assor

In this episode, I’m joined by personal trainer Toby Assor for a conversation about resilience, identity, and what it really looks like to rebuild your life from the inside out. With over a decade of experience helping clients transform their bodies and their lives, Toby brings a deeply personal and intuitive approach to fitness, grounded in both physical strength and inner growth.

Toby shares her personal journey growing up in a religious Orthodox home, navigating feelings of not fitting the traditional mold, and eventually finding her way through movement, discipline, and self-trust.

We explore how physical fitness can become so much more than just exercise. It can be a pathway to healing, self-discovery, and reclaiming your sense of self during life’s hardest seasons.

Life can look “put together” on the outside while feeling incredibly heavy on the inside. So many people are quietly struggling, unsure how to move forward or reconnect with themselves.

In this episode we talk openly about rebuilding identity, developing discipline, and learning how to show up for yourself even when it feels uncomfortable or unfamiliar. Toby’s story is a powerful reminder that strength isn’t just physical. It’s emotional, mental, and deeply personal.

If you’ve ever felt disconnected from yourself, struggled to find your footing, or wondered how to start over in a meaningful way, this episode is for you.

Connect with Toby on Instagram @FitWithToby

Transcript

SPEAKER_01 0:00

Hi, I'm Tamara, a therapist and coach that's exploring relationships, emotional health, faith, and real life challenges that many of us were taught to keep private. Together, we'll talk honestly about the questions, the struggles, and experiences that many of us carry quietly and finally give them a place to be spoken out loud. You are listening to Talk to Tomorrow. Today I am joined by Toby Asor. You are a personal trainer, but that really honestly feels like just too small to describe what you really are because you encompass so so much. Um, this didn't really start as fitness for you. Uh, it started really in probably one of the hardest times of your life, from what you've told me. Um, so so many people look strong on the outside, but what we don't see is that internally they're really struggling. And what I respect about Toby is that she didn't just train her body, she rebuilt her identity through movement, through discipline, through music, through showing up when it was easier not to. So, Toby, thank you so much for being here.

SPEAKER_00 1:09

Well, thank you for having me, Tamara. Um, I've always looked up to you. You've always been someone who've been forging your own path with your authenticity and with your pure curiosity. And um, I've always really been inspired by you. So thank you for having me. It's an honor to be here.

SPEAKER_01 1:29

Thank you. So, Toby, why don't you take us back like a little bit to how you got to where you are today? Like what led you on this journey?

SPEAKER_00 1:36

Okay, fine. So let me just let me just give you a recap just so you understand my process and my relationship with myself and my journey. Um, so I grew up in a very religious orthodox home. Emphasis was character, who you are and how you treat others, and a strong emphasis on being a good religious Jew and how you show up in that way. Um for me in elementary school, academically, I was, I always knew for some reason, like in second grade, I had that moment, and I'll never forget it. Um, I had that moment where I said to myself, oh wow, okay. So academically, this is not my strength, but it's okay. I could sing, I could dance, I have I I do gymnastics, I love my figure skating. So don't worry, Toby, like you're just gonna get by school-wise, but you're fine. You have your friends, you love your teachers, you love your family. You're just gonna, you're gonna be fine. But you're crazy. I'm gonna figure it out. And and don't worry, you know, you know, school will just will forget about that. Um, so I never challenged myself in that area. And I valued myself very much on my, you know, my physical talents um and traits. Yeah. So moving past that, going into high school, um, my relationship with those with those talents and processing everything as a teenager, right? You're you're figuring yourself out, your self-identity, um, my talents and the way I, my self-worth was very much focused on I just that was my coping. Well, that was my escape, my dancing, my music, my friends, um, my figure skating. Uh head of dance, like all those things were like, Toby, you this is your runaway, this is your escape, but this is also your coping that reminds you you're okay, you you still have worth. Um, and I did go through those phases of where a lot of us girls go through and still go through a lot of extremes. Oh, let me just, you know, do extreme dieting to love my body, because that's really what I am, my body and my talents and whatever else physical about myself. Um, and then it was a long journey of many years of of those yo-yoing of why don't I work out and do extreme workouts, extreme eating um patterns, whatever it might be. Did you have any um eating disorder? I would say I did. I was never diagnosed, but I would say it was just, you know, distorted eating and it was very extreme. Um so that was that was high school for me and my relationship with with with my with my body and my and my tail.

SPEAKER_01 4:23

What was your relationship with your body at that point in high school? Was it that you were heavier and that you wanted to be thinner or?

SPEAKER_00 4:30

So I was always fit, thin, never like beyond skinny. Um, but once I felt the lack like a sense of I think no control in my life in high school, I went to a new school. I was all like I felt very alone. I was going through a lot in high school, and I had to be strong. So, in order to be strong, what can I control that gives me value? Oh, my body, oh my talents. So I'm gonna like become the head of dance. I'm gonna make sure I'm amazing on the ice and everyone's gonna know that, notice that about me because that's me, that's my self-worth. And I'm also gonna look amazing because, and I'm also gonna be amazing at home. I'm gonna be amazing, Jew. I'm gonna be amazing everything. I'm just gonna follow through and be perfect in every way. So that I think was also like coping and that lack of self-worth. It was more of like that was my self-worth. That's so, that's so interesting.

SPEAKER_01 5:23

Yeah. Um, can you tell me like a little bit more about the figure skating part? Because that I really I didn't know that about. Oh, you didn't? No. Okay, fine.

SPEAKER_00 5:31

So I remember in ninth grade, um, a friend of mine, she's like, Wanna go figure skating on a Saturday night? And I was like, Yeah, I always liked skating. We always went to Prospect Park, but then there was this new place called the Aviator. Super cool. All the boys are there, ninth grade, all the boys, all the girls, there's a DJ. And I got on the ice, I'm like, oh, I'm actually good at this. Whoa, I am amazing, you know, like I'm the coolest. So I remember being like, Whoa, even like this is let's abyss to the self-worth of how amazing I am. Um, obviously I didn't know this, but this is me looking back.

SPEAKER_01 6:01

Yeah. Um did you get that validation from from being like the best at I got it from um from male attention, right?

SPEAKER_00 6:11

You know, when you're a young girl tapping into your body and tapping in, liking having crushes. So I would be like, oh, those boys over there like totally noticed my moves. Like I am amazing. And also um, I would get that a little bit at home, even though they didn't really see me figure skate so much because it was like a Saturday night, Sunday, and like my parents are busy with the other kids. Right. Um, and I got it from my friends or just random people when they when they came up the ice. Wow, you're an amazing skater. And I was like, wow, I am amazing. Like that was what reminded me why I was amazing. Cause I because remember, this is all through school, and I always was reminded in school of like you don't know what's going on, and you're just gonna like you're you're just gonna get through this. Yeah, you know. And the interesting thing, the interesting thing about about figure skating, which I just recently figured out and realized for myself, was that I was talented. And when most people that are talented, they don't, they don't have to work so hard to be good at something. Right. So I got on the ice and over time I naturally got better at it. Maybe I made things up and I didn't really do the right, do it in the right technique, but I just looked good and I got the compliments and I felt good. But I realized I didn't have to work so hard for it. So I didn't really know what it was like to work hard. That's like a separate thing that we can get to. But that I started realizing, wow, like that this was this is what fitness was to me. It was easy for me. It was either my escape or it was my identity. Um, and I used it, I I I use it in good and I use it in bad. You know, when you're young, you don't have that self-awareness.

SPEAKER_01 7:38

You know, you're just you're just like navigating and like subconscious. Yeah. So what so what happened after high school?

SPEAKER_00 7:45

Um after high school, you get like thrown into like I have to get married now. This is my job.

SPEAKER_01 7:51

Um well, just explain to our our listeners, like kind of the process with orthodoxy, how Howard.

SPEAKER_00 7:58

So you finish school, you go to Israel for the year. Not everybody, but a lot of people go to Israel for the year. Um, and that's the year where you kind of prepare and you ask yourself, like, where am I headed religiously? You tap into your soul a little bit. Um, you are very young to do that. You are at an impressionable age. So sometimes people come back a little bit maybe like more excited and and they have this whole idea of what it would be like and who they're gonna marry. For me, I went into I went to Israel, I was inspired, but it was also like an escape to get away from like whatever I was going through. And I just wanted to um just be independent and strong and have that year for me. But ended up not being my favorite year, but that's fine. Interesting. Okay it was interesting because I also was, you know, when you're when you're when you're not having self, when you know when you're suffering through self-worth and and uh having a voice and knowing who you are, um I think you're constantly suffering no matter where you are. Right. So in in Israel, I was thrown, I was thrown into this year. The that happened to have been a more challenging year in my seminary or whatever. Um, and I just I I I was okay. I said, Toby, you always know how to cope. You're gonna go. So I walked through the whole Israel. I just walked every fright because movement was my coping and movement was my is part of my soul.

SPEAKER_02 9:11

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 9:12

Um, okay, so then I I came back. I met my husband at 22. Meanwhile, my amazing husband, Shim Yasor. Shout out to him. Shout out to Shem Yasor. But before that, um, when when I came back, I was lost. I didn't know what what I wanted, right? I'm I I'm stupid in school. Like, I can't go to college. I went to college because I have to, but like I didn't know really what you wanted to do with it. Yeah, what I wanted to do with it. So I was in college and I was very, very upset. Like, why am I in college? This is not this is not aligning with me, and I'm just wasting my parents' money. My parents have eight kids and father's a rabbi. This is not like this is not making sense. Um, and then I met my husband and he made me feel so safe, and I was so excited and I knew like, okay, whatever I do, whatever I decide to do with my husband, like I'll figure out my future with him. Um, okay, so let's um, so that year, the year of our first year of marriage, I I my husband's like, Toby, you're so good with the body, you're so connected. You should become a personal trainer. And I was just like at the space where I just like yesed a lot. And it sounded nice, and I was like, let's do it. I did it, I became a personal trainer, I had a baby. Let's move forward seven years. Okay. Seven years, I I wake up and I and I find myself completely confused. How did I get here? And that was like loud in my head. How did I get here? How did I get here in my relationship with my kids? How did I get here with my relationship with myself? How did I get here with my relationship with Hashem? How did I get here with my relationship with my husband? I how did I get here? And I just was lost, completely lost.

SPEAKER_01 10:46

Was it just like you woke up one morning and that's how you felt, or there was like a progression of things that were?

SPEAKER_00 10:52

There was a progression. I always had these thoughts of like, why can't you achieve things? Why can't you have a say? Why do you feel like you're paralyzed? What is wrong with you? And I just always felt this way for a lot of years, but that was getting louder when responsibilities were coming my way and I had to have a voice and I just didn't know how to.

unknown 11:10

Right.

SPEAKER_00 11:10

Um, but not even a voice, just even achieving and like setting goals and achieving them.

SPEAKER_01 11:16

Do you think that you were very hard on yourself? Like you had a certain goal in mind, or like you needed to achieve a certain amount by a certain age. Then you reach that age, and it's like, but I do.

SPEAKER_00 11:26

So it wasn't like a timeline because I'm a free spirit, so I feel like I don't have timelines, but it's more so I don't relate to that, but I know a lot of people do that. It was more of like what I the constant feeling of why am I still inept in like getting achieving goals? Like very people that are very connected to the body and and very into dance and music. I find out not all, but a lot of people, they get inspired very fast.

SPEAKER_01 11:52

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 11:52

So I always got so inspired at a very young age. A so a song would make me cry. I would just get so inspired. But then I would wonder, and I'd be like, You're such a fraud. You're so inspired. Now your soul is your cup is filled. What are you gonna do with that inspiration? I didn't know how to take the inspiration and actually apply it. And that comes, I think, from that young age, being like being that kid in school that's like, it's okay, you you don't do well right now in academics, but you're fine. The things that you're good at that come easy to you is your identity. So I think if I would have believed in myself, I would have learned. Well, there's a lot to talk about that.

SPEAKER_01 12:29

But yeah, so that that's so you woke up and you were like, you know, I need to achieve, I need to do, I I need to figure out how I got here.

SPEAKER_00 12:39

Yes. And then okay. So I said, okay, what helps me? What's gonna save me? Oh, my body, like movement. I was already a personal trainer. I was obviously suffering in that in that self-identity because I was like, why can't you get more clients? And I was just like, no, it's fine. You can have three, four clients and you're fine. You don't have to get more, and which is fine. If someone's out there a personal trainer right now and you have a few clients, that's fine. But for me, I wanted to build my business and I just didn't know how to. Yeah. And I didn't believe in myself. So I said, okay, so let me go, let me get myself a trainer, let me see what it feels like to be a client. Um, I'm totally alone in the world. I'm ready, I feel so I'm not, I'm not really alone, but I was feeling alone because I was going through, you know, my emotional stuff. And I I realized the only way to help myself is to start from the ground up and aesthetically, because if my this is what I remember, how I coped as a child and as a teenager, if my body's in shape and if I'm moving, that's that's what I'm good at, then I'll be, I'll be okay. I'll figure out my direction. I'll be strong, I could be powerful, I'll be okay. So I started working out with a trainer twice a week. And three to six months in, I started realizing, wow, my body is getting a little bit more fit. Like I am getting that that body that I've always dreamed of. And before that, you didn't have that? Before that, interesting, I did the fitness that came easy to me. I did the running, I did the dancing, I did the skating. Um, I didn't, I did the planks, but like I never put myself in an uncomfortable position because one, I didn't want to deal with the uncomfortable feeling of you're a fitness girl, but you actually are not so good at strength training and putting yourself in that place. You're a fitness girl, but you're not really so good at boxing, you really have a bad time focusing. So I'm not sure. So focus so that boxing also really helped me put myself in an uncomfortable situation and sit in it and push through.

SPEAKER_01 14:31

So, kind of like what you said before, also just to go back for a second, with figure skating, for example, it came so easy to you, and that was like you just never wanted to challenge yourself, right? So with personal training, also it seems that like it just came easy to you. The running, the dancing, that was just natural for you. But the strength training was hard and challenging, so you'd rather just stay away from it.

SPEAKER_00 14:52

And maybe that was the theme of your life or that was the theme of my life because it would be so hard to face myself. Um yeah. So then I realized three to six months in, not only is my body really getting to a place where I feel good about myself, um, but what is happening? I'm standing a little taller, I'm feeling a little better, and I'm feeling a little stronger emotionally. And I realized, oh my goodness, after, you know, I do want to say that, you know, I was also, you know, going to therapy. I was reading books, I was trying to search for help. Um I realized what's different here, and that what's different that I've never experienced in my whole life is consistency. And I realized, wow, just showing up twice a week, it's 45 minutes. Well, it's an hour actually. It's an hour, and I could do it. Like I'm I'm showing up. I am consistent. Whoa, I'm consistent. I can achieve. I can achieve, like I'm getting emotional talking about it. Um and then the second thing that I also learned was resilience. I was always a strong person. I think Hashem gave me that.

SPEAKER_01 16:03

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 16:04

Um, and you know, through life, even in childhood, I had a beautiful, amazing childhood and in high school life. But I did have moments where we all do have moments where you do have to be resilient. So I always had that backbone for my parents. Hashem is with you. Um, so I always had that resilience, but now I had a little bit more resilience in the sense where when I'm uncomfortable and I don't want to show up to that workout, I show up. Um, and when I don't want to do that last rep and that last set, yeah, I do it. Yeah. You know, not to a point of injury, but I do it. I do it because I remember now it took time. Yeah. Um, and I remember that the results you achieve. You get it, you get there.

SPEAKER_01 16:46

It's actually so funny that you said that because I think that for myself personally, um, I think we're both free, free spirits. Yeah. Right. It's just who we are at our core. And consistency for me was always something that I struggled with a lot because I would get bored. I would like do things, you know, I'd be like, okay, um, I would try something out for like a little bit, and then I would get bored of it and do something different. And never ever had that consistency until I really met you, honestly. And then I just like got into fitness. Like it was just like that was like the trajectory of like my journey as well. So that's why it's like super, super inspiring. And I think you're connect to that. I connect to that very, very much.

SPEAKER_00 17:29

Yeah. It's I I love that. Um, and then I just want to also bring up the third thing that I really learned because I I was never fully diagnosed, but I diagnosed myself and my and my therapist. She never really fully diagnosed me either. Um, that I I do probably have some sort of ADD or ADHD. Yeah. And that's fine. It could be a super power. It's not, you don't have to overthink it or whatever. Um, and I think that is kind of connected to how to achieve things. So once I humbled myself and I was like, well, you probably might have something that comes in the way of figuring out how to achieve, but but then once I learned consistency and then once I learned resilience, that really helped me. And then the third thing is why I was bringing up ADHD was trusting the process, having realistic goals and trusting the process. And you can say that connects to spirituality too, because you have to have a Muna.

unknown 18:18

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 18:19

Um, you have to have belief that you're gonna put your efforts and Hashem is gonna help you get there. And I absolutely live with that every single day. Every single, every single challenge that comes my way, I say Toby, just show up and Hashem will help you.

SPEAKER_01 18:35

So can you actually take us back a little bit because your spiritual journey was not always right? It wasn't in the up and up. I love talking about it. Even with my falls, I'm very proud of my falls. Exactly, you know, and like even more recently, I saw like you posting, you know, that you're gonna start to wear a skirt over your over your pants, over your workout clothing. It's so hard. So hard. And also, right? So like the free spirits in us is restricting, right? It is, it is. So spirituality, I think in general, what people assume, right, especially in the Orthodox world, is that spirituality comes with restriction. But can there be spirituality that has nothing to do with like the rules and the laws and like what is it that you know that connects you to that spiritual place and what brought you to that place?

SPEAKER_00 19:27

Okay, so I do I'm gonna go in an interesting direction, which I never expected myself to go into. But because of fitness, I realized that discipline is actually free. Yeah. Oh, can you expand on that, please? Because if you're free and everything, you you're not really free, right? You're free, but you're really, you're really letting your body um and your your desires, everything that comes with the body, right? Not your soul. You're letting that own you. Okay. If you have a set of rules, which is like the Torah, the Bible, whatever, you know, whatever religion people follow and give them some sort of structure and discipline, that allows you to really do what you need to do in the correct recipe, like in the correct direction. So I find that yes, you could say you're not completely free, but I'm don't feel owned by my body now. I feel like I am actually really connecting to my true self, which is my soul, which actually is very freeing and very relaxing. I don't feel like because I am a spiritual person connected to my body, I always want to be free. I always want to feel like well, it doesn't matter, everything goes. But then I realize I actually feel very uncomfortable at times because my soul keeps fighting it. My soul and my body keep clashing. So I want to find a way where I authentically grow in a space where I feel like this is not jumping to, I'm like, not jumping too far. I'm still wear my sexy leopard skirt with my leggings, and you can see my little, you can see my almost my entire thigh because I'm not ready to go to go to, you know, woo all the way down. Yeah. But um, and I'm being authentic about it. And I feel like I've never been more free. It is, it is hard for me because I still suffer with that identity of like, I am, I am my body. I am if you show more, if I show more, I get that attention, I feel more, that's who I am. But then I always I find myself always going, Toby, calm down. That's your mind, that's your mind, that's your body, that's not your soul. So I'm been and now I'm finally in a space where because I've learned all these things, like that was like like consistency and resilience and trust the process and realistic goals, I realized that helped me with my body image, that helped me with my mental health, that helped me with my emotional health, and I tried to, you know, work on that with my all my relationships. Now I'm ready to face my soul. Now I'm ready. And I feel emotional about it because we are our souls. Yeah. You know?

SPEAKER_01 21:57

And how did you get to that point though? Like wasn't that bright.

SPEAKER_00 22:02

I think October 7th really shook me. And I was like, something's happening. I think it was really very spiritual that moment for most people. I think a lot of people felt shook. And then I asked myself, Toby, like, are you gonna be inspired now? And you're gonna be like, wow, I'm so inspired. And then you're just gonna schmooze about how inspired you are, or are you gonna actually do something? Like you're responsible to your body, to your mind, to your to your relationships, and to most of all, to your soul. So my journey to my soul was first very physical. And now I'm at a point where I'm like, like Toby, like you're you're here for a purpose, and you're not jumping and you're not becoming the highest level of your soul. But right now, you gotta show up for it, you know? Wow. And it's never been more freeing. I can't really explain it anymore how freeing it feels. I think because my soul and my body is starting to feel connected and they're not fighting as much. But I'm I'm constantly in in in uh in places of my mind where I'm like, it's fine, you don't have to wear that tiny skirt. You're gonna be okay. You're gonna be okay. Right. And I I purchased a couple of expensive because I told myself I have to be, I have, in order to be a little more modest, get yourself a couple of expensive, like more modest dresses. Yeah. And I feel very sexy, I must say.

SPEAKER_01 23:22

No, it is like there's nothing to feeling, there's nothing bad about feeling good and feeling sexy and feeling whatever. It's it doesn't compete with being modest and spiritual and you know, and having a good relationship with God. I think like that's what people view it as, right? That it's like you're you either fit into this box or you fit into this box, right? Um it's true. And I think that religion in general, it can feel like you are put into a box, right? But you're like living proof that that's actually not the case, right? That we are really our souls, we're not what we're wearing, we're not, you know, um have you- And I think that way too, but sometimes I find it dangerous because I'm like, it's not what I'm wearing, I quite anything.

SPEAKER_00 24:08

But then I realize that my soul is in a container, which is me, and I have to protect the container. You know what I mean? I have to protect myself.

SPEAKER_01 24:16

That's such an interesting way of looking at it. That your soul is in your container, right? So it's like your soul and your body are one, are one in the same. Yeah. Um, where people have a really hard time. How how did you get to the point where you felt like it was connected?

SPEAKER_00 24:31

I think I always felt that way because I've always loved music. And whenever music would even now when music goes on, I feel my whole body just wanting to just like just fly. Cause I'm very connected to music. But a lot of people I think could could feel do feel that way. I think I've but I've always just like felt it, but never really like talked about it, maybe realized it. It was always like subconscious. Now, when I've holding myself accountable in all these ways, right? My body, my relationships, my uh everything, I'm starting to realize oh, like we could we could combine these two. We can combine these two, right? Um, and even sometimes when I'm working out, I'll do that last push up and I'll be like, I'll be like, that last push-up, that Toby, that's just gonna train you. Train that muscle of resilience, train that muscle of when you think you can't do it, you could do it. And you think you can't get connected to God the way the more and more that you want to, you could. Um, and I just I think the work of also relationships is the is spiritual, yeah. Right. So that's also another thing. Like once you learn these, these, uh, these skills, you can it's when you work on your marriage, when you work on your yourself and you work on your children, it's spiritual work.

SPEAKER_01 25:40

So how did it affect like this journey and this transformation? How did it affect your mar your relationship with your husband, your relationship with your kids, relationship with friends, even?

SPEAKER_00 25:50

At first, I started getting more confident. And when you're confident, you believe in yourself and you can achieve. So I started getting more confident and then I started listening to myself rather than just yesing. So once I started listening to myself, I was being more honest with my friends. So I wasn't this like people pleaser. So I started my friends started liking me because I was being more honest with them and I was able to have boundaries with them. So my friendships have become more real um and honest. My relationship.

SPEAKER_01 26:14

Do you find that they became less your friendships, like your circle of friends became fewer?

SPEAKER_00 26:20

Yes, but even the ones that I felt like I had to run away from, I didn't have to anymore if I created boundaries or if I was more honest with them. Didn't have to go all or nothing. Yeah. So in a way, yes, but in a way, kind of like no, but just healthier. Yeah. They're there and they're just healthier. Yeah, and they're and I'm honest about it. And I feel like it's much more, there's nothing in the way anymore.

SPEAKER_01 26:40

And they were receiving to it because you know, you hear a lot about adult friendships, for example. If people are starting to change or shift, that people are like, oh, well, I don't really like this version of you, and I'm not like so interested in maintaining this friendship.

SPEAKER_00 26:54

Um, I didn't have anyone um come at me in that way. Yeah. But they wouldn't say it too. They wouldn't say it, but I would believe that I think that this was always on my mind. I always was ex like show on my gram, I'm instagram, I was always showing spiritual things because that's my soul. Yeah. But here I am, like looking like this fitness girl and not and it's totally exposing my, you know, my figure. So I think that that could have been very confusing to some of my friends that I grew up with, my childhood friends um who've always accepted me, a lot of them. And uh, Cheffy Freeman, shout out to you. Has been there through this journey and she has been so supportive. And I think in a way, maybe it was hard for her. I shouldn't speak for you, Chefi. But it was weird because she always looked at me as this person that was always kind of very connected. And then, like, what happened to my friend that didn't that is not connected to her her spiritual work and her the way she dresses? Um, so I didn't really lose friends. I think that was a blessing, maybe because I right away, maybe because right away I connected, I I started working on the authenticity and not the people pleasing. And right away I kind of like reached out and and and figured it out in a way where there's boundaries. But um, my marriage completely changed. My husband didn't have a wife that was so so um dependent. Uh he sees this woman that is building her own identity. Um, he, you know, um, and he saw me more happier and also more confident. So when you're confident in a relationship, everything's like confidence is in general in life is everything. It's everything. And but how do you get there? It's really hard. Sometimes you're born with some of it, but yeah, but sometimes you need to build it, and sometimes you lose it through the years. It's just like, and what is your identity? Whatever you could go it's my DHD going right now. Um, but yeah, um, so then my marriage really got a lot better. But I do want to really say um that it's really because of Hashem, it's really because of God. I really believe that everything got better because of the steps I took, but then he did the rest for me. And then I find that then when I find myself at a stopping, at a stop like at a crossroad, I'm like, okay, this is where Hashem wants me to do a little more, and he's gonna do the rest for me. He wants me to do a little more and he's gonna do the rest for me. Um, and I hope that whatever I'm saying right now, I really live with the rest of my life. I don't forget um this because I'm right now in that like fresh space of like feeling all my blessings and like really past the hurdle that I was at. So I just hope to remind myself that that this is this is what works. So what happens when things get hard? Um I find I I so I find that when you I find that the space that I'm in is having control of my mind. When happens things get hard, I remind myself what works. But how do I do that with the power of my mind? So I have to stay stop and be like, what are the thoughts coming into my head right now? Are they true? Um if they are, let me take it, let me figure out what worked before, and let me make the right steps and and really be and hold myself accountable in the situation. Or um is this a fake thought? Is this not real? Is this the is this the part of me that's insecure? Is this like the habit of years that was was not that was not working for me? Um and then I very much believe faith, right? So my faith. Yeah. But you have you can't have faith without the work. You have to have both. And the free spirit sometimes thinks you can just have faith. But I've learned with fitness that you gotta show up.

SPEAKER_01 30:26

Yeah. So what does that look like showing up? Like showing up, I guess, in a spiritual sense. Is it like, you know, you pray every day, or like what's like to get to where you were, how did you get developed those those?

SPEAKER_00 30:40

So I'm I'm in the journey right now. I feel like I'm really at the beginning of it, you know? Yeah. So it's a good question. And I asked myself, I asked myself this morning before I got here. I was like, okay, so where are we at? You know? So I sometimes dive in, I sometimes don't, I sometimes pray, I sometimes don't. But I'm always talking, like if I get a parking spot, and that I learned from my mother, thank you, mommy. Um I say, thank you, God. Because you know, we grew up in Brooklyn, you don't find parking. You do not find parking.

SPEAKER_01 31:06

My sister always says, you just park wherever you find a spot and you walk. You just go. You walk the rest of it. Doesn't matter where it is.

SPEAKER_00 31:12

You know what? If you grew up in Brooklyn, you know it's a true miracle. Exactly. Um, so I oh and I try to remind myself, like uh in moments as mothers, we all we hold a lot, right? We hold the fort, we hold our relationships, we hold everything. So I try to, and that causes a lot of anxiety and maybe an old. I try to identify my feelings and my mind in the moments, and I say, Toby, um, this is a feeling that you are soul on this earth, God is running this earth, and do what you can. Don't be like, everything you will take care of. But yeah, obviously everything God is gonna take care of, but also what what what does today look like for you? If it means that you're just going to make better choices and food that give you energy and fuel, and don't skip that meal, right? And show up to that to your workout that you're like, If you have a little quaff and you find every excuse because trainers are clients too. We're humans and we we know exactly how our clients exactly. So um, I show up to the things that day. And um, I'm working on that. Like I'm saying, I show up, like I've succeeded. I'm like every day is a challenge, every moment is a challenge, every thought that comes into your mind you have to is a challenge, I think.

SPEAKER_01 32:27

It seems like you do a lot of self-talking to yourself. I talked to myself, if anyone sees me on the road, Toby. Don't do this, Toby. Make better trouble. I may look a little strange, but it's worth it. I love that. I love that. I actually wanted to touch upon one thing, and I thought it was interesting what you said, is that you became a person that just is not a people pleaser, right? You just said, you just said no to things. You just said no to things. So for people that I know suffered from that a lot, especially women, I think women, we are just prone to people please, and that's just like our nature, right? We're givers, we we we're nurturers, and so we're like, okay, okay, if it's gonna make your your your life easier, right? But um so how do you actually become a person that doesn't feel like this selfish person by all of a sudden being like, well, no, that doesn't work for me.

SPEAKER_00 33:16

Right. I've come to an understanding. I always thought that this is personality. You have a people pleaser and then like a narcissist. I always thought like it's too extreme. But I started realizing, like, Toby, you know, you think you're so special that you're a people pleaser, but actually that's a little narcissistic of you that you're a people pleaser, Toby, who thinks she's all that. And so that was very humbling. So then when they have those moments where I'm like, I'm just gonna say yes, but I'm panicking and now I'm stressed, I realize you're actually doing a disservice. If you really care about other people, you better be honest. Yeah. But sometimes it's habit and I just like go to it.

SPEAKER_01 33:48

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 33:48

And I'm like, shoot. So sometimes I'll backtrack and I'll try to own it and say, I'm so sorry. I was just people pleasing straight up.

SPEAKER_01 33:54

You'll say that to people. Like I'm not sure. I suffer through it.

SPEAKER_00 33:57

I suffer through and I'm like, okay, you got a lot of work to do. It's a long life, God willing, you'll get there. Um, or I like my always say it's power of the mind in to pause and to stop. Yeah. And it happens to be a big thing in Judaism, um, being in control of your thoughts and directing them. I wish they spoke about this in school more. Yeah. But I think it might be too hard of an understanding for a child, right? To really understand to I try to do that with my kids.

SPEAKER_01 34:24

But I also think journal, I mean I personally don't love to journal, but I know it's like a big thing, it's a big thing. I feel like a faker. I'm like, right. Exactly. But that is true. I don't know, for me, like when I write something down, like physically on a piece of paper, then I remember it better. And I'm training, you're training your mind that way. So you're training your thoughts. And you know, there's something to be said. There is like a therapy that that you do that is with journaling and you see what your patterns are with your thoughts and you circle. Like, okay, so I'm feeling I'm when you see it, you see it in front of you. So it trains, it trains your mind. And that's why people do like gratitude writing. Let's say that they'll write five things that they're grateful for every day, or you know, things that and that helps you what helps me a lot actually.

SPEAKER_00 35:09

What you're bringing that up, I'll say out loud in front of my kids, and like even if I sound like a neurotic person or like woo, calm down. I'll be like, Thank you, Hashem, for this. I keep saying thank you just so I bring the energy of gratitude, and it really makes me feel feel it too. Um, but yeah.

SPEAKER_01 35:26

I think for people it's it's hard, like they kind of feel almost like an imposter or almost like like like a fraud for doing that, right? Where they're just like, Yeah, I'm so grateful for all these things, but I'm really upset that like I missed all the traffic this morning.

SPEAKER_00 35:41

That's totally human. Um, I do believe also the concept of faking it till you make it. I never really liked that because I've always thought like I'm authentic and you just gotta fake. Like, that's so like that's so that's so gross. Like that's so not real, it's so frauded. But I do believe that when you put on that pretty dress, you feel prettier that day, even though you're feeling ugly in the morning. Like you gotta just do certain things faking it, but really eventually it really does affect you. Like I remember being like, I wasn't in the mood of being like that loving wife, you know? And then I was like, you know what, I'm just gonna fake it. Sorry, Shem. I was like, you know, sorry, I'm giving away a secret right now. I was like, you know, you're so good at this. And and the truth is, they I knew it to be true, I just wasn't feeling it because maybe I was emotional. Yeah. But and then eventually I was like, wow, why am I like so like into my husband right now? Because I really I created it. Yeah, you know, I create it.

SPEAKER_01 36:38

Well, they say happiness is also something that you create and the choices that you make in life, right? So it's like you can choose how to respond to a situation. You can it's it's the situation is going to be happening, it's all about your responses to it also. Right. Um, and that's a very that's a very big one also.

SPEAKER_00 36:55

Right. It is a big one. Um yeah, I think when I was younger, I I very much and I and I actually till recently I lived, I lived by my emotions. You know, I feel things so deeply, and I love that about myself because I feel like I really get to feel this life on earth in so many deep levels, and I'm I love that about myself, but it comes with pain when you feel deeply. That's so interesting. Yeah, I realize that. But you know, we have to thank Instagram for all these things. All these things that I follow have helped me and realize that about myself. Um, and Gedalia Fenster and um David Guillaume. Yes, and I see you post about it, yeah, and all the other people that I might be forgetting, and Bracha, Tamara, and Tamara, I'm joking, and thank you, Tamara. Um, yeah, so and then I realized and I remember my therapist saying to me when I was struggling, and I was like, I just want to be in a situation where where I'm uh where like I can love and give. And she was like, Toby, you have to figure out how to control your emotions, you know? And I was like, what is she saying? I didn't understand, and then until I started like disciplining myself as a human and then not letting my emotions control myself, which started with fitness. Um then I started realizing oh and that's what I also mean by free. Like you're letting your emotions take take over you, you're letting your body, yeah, I'm free, I'm letting everything feel and go and do, but then then those moments when that happens, like you're not really free. They're taking over you when you're disciplined. You're you're you're you're more true to yourself. You're you're directed into the true self of who you are, and maybe that's freedom. That's what I look at as freedom at this point.

SPEAKER_01 38:37

I think that part is so interesting to me. I've never heard it in that capacity of like that you're free with discipline, right?

SPEAKER_00 38:45

Because it's like it's such a it might be cont yeah, it might be contradicting, and people might be listening and being like, that doesn't make so much sense. No, it does.

SPEAKER_01 38:52

It makes perfect sense. And I never for me personally, I never thought of it that way. So I really, I really find that like fascinating. Really? Okay. I love that. I love that.

SPEAKER_00 39:03

I love to I I don't know, I don't want to say for sure it was my thought. I think I may have learned this concept when I was younger. I think I read this book called The Living Inspired, maybe. I think that book kind of I'm by the way, I'm guessing because there was a point in my life where I was tapped into spirituality and I started reading this book with the teacher in camp. And I just have a memory of like this concept then. It might be the book, it might just be this. It came to me then. And I didn't really believe it. I was like, very nice, cool thought, blah, blah, blah. I didn't have the skills. I was lost a little while. I was young, I was figuring things out. Um, and I'm still figuring things out forever.

SPEAKER_02 39:37

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 39:37

And I fool, I get back up, and that's wow. Yeah, but it is interesting, right? Yeah. And it actually makes you more open-minded to discipline now, right? Yeah, because it helps me.

SPEAKER_01 39:49

I think I always look at it in a very negative way. Me too. For me, because I'm like, I don't want to feel disciplined. Like I want to feel like I could do what I want. Yeah. And um, you know, and don't have to have the repercussions. Like, you know, especially as like a free, a free spirit, yeah. I just kind of feel like I just want to like be free.

SPEAKER_00 40:09

I can like fanced through the phone.

SPEAKER_01 40:11

Right, right. And like forget everything. Forget everything like behind us, you know, and just kind of like absolutely do that. Umbring you happiness. That's also another thing. No, it doesn't. Just to end off, Toby. Yeah. What's something that you can tell our listeners if they want to get into this the physical, like the physical um space and the mental health space and the spiritual space? What's something if you had to give them one thing, like what's something that you tell them, do this, and this is gonna start you on the journey?

SPEAKER_00 40:40

I think um start with realistic goals. Show up for them, and it could be 10 minutes a week. And you could start off with fitness, or maybe it's something that isn't in your relationship with your spouse or your kids that you're showing up for. Because not necessarily is the first step of fitness, but uh if it was for me, yeah, um, but show up for that goal, very realistic, realistic goals, and then make sure that you also trust the process, give it time till you're really consistent with it. And consistency means that sometimes you'll have a week that's not so great, but overall you're pretty good. Yeah. Um, and stick to it and never give up, and you'll see God will make it easier for you, but just make the first hard step. It's like when you I hate this term because I know that it's a little bit like eating disordery, but like the first two weeks are hard on the diet, and then you'll be fine. Right. But like it's kind of like that. Yeah. Even with diet, God will make it easier for you. Like, God will make everything easier if you show up with realistic goals um and trusting the process and know that you can do it. Everybody can do it. We're all able to do it. Um and you know, this and it really will help you navigate in this life. This life that's beautiful and wonderful with challenges. It is, I think, a great way and a very helpful way to navigate in this life.

SPEAKER_02 42:00

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 42:00

Yeah. Wow. So, Toby, why don't you tell our guests where they can find you? Um, this was amazing, and thank you so much for it.

SPEAKER_00 42:08

I I felt like I had a lot to express, and this was an opportunity for me to express. And I'm really grateful. I feel like we need to do part part part two. Yeah, for sure. For sure. When the skirt is here, we'll come back.

SPEAKER_01 42:20

We'll be all near. We'll be here. Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 42:24

Um, where can they find you? They can find me in Lawrence, New York, and to hit me up at Fitwith Toby. Sometimes I forget my own. On Instagram. On Instagram. Um Fit with Toby. Yeah. Personal training. Personal training. And are you taking new clients or are you fully boxed? How it works with training. Most of my clients are consistent, but then some people, you know, either move or this or that. So there's once in a while an opening, so you never know. Right. Yeah. But hit her up. She's the biggest thing. Thank you so much.

SPEAKER_01 42:51

Thank you for having me. So thank you so much for listening. You can subscribe, talk to Tamara wherever you listen to podcasts, leave a written review on Apple Podcasts, and rate the show on Spotify. If you're looking for some one-on-one support, I also offer coaching and therapy. You can find the link in the show notes or at the link in my bio. You can also find me at Talk to Tamara on Instagram or on my website at Tamargastetner.com.