From Controlling Wife to Empowered Woman: Esther Malka's Marriage Transformation | Talk2Tamara

From Controlling Wife to Empowered Woman: Esther Malka's Marriage Transformation | Talk2Tamara


In this powerful episode of Talk2Tamara, host Tamara Gestetner sits down with Irina, also known as Esther Malka — a speaker, podcast host, and content creator who helps women strengthen their marriages by embracing traditional feminine values. Esther opens up about her own marriage struggles — being controlling, ungrateful, and living in "victim mode" — and how she transformed her mindset to build a happy, healthy relationship. We talk about the difference between masculine and feminine energy, why women are natural "receivers" and men are natural "givers," the danger of rejecting your husband's efforts, and how embracing femininity (not feminism) can actually empower women in marriage. This conversation is honest, controversial, and eye-opening — a must-watch for any woman who wants to understand her marriage on a deeper level. 
🎙️ Follow Esther Malka: Instagram @whatyourhusbandwonttellyou.pod 
🎙️ Follow Tamara Gestetner: Instagram @talk2tamara 
🌐 Website: tamaragestetner.com



#feminineenergy   #relationshipadviceforwomen  #Talk2Tamara #EstherMalka #MarriageTips #jewishpodcast  #WifeGoals #healthymarriages  #podcastbrasil

Follow Tamara on Instagram @Talk2Tamara, subscribe on your favorite podcast platform for new episodes on relationships and personal growth. Watch new episodes on Youtube and visit my website for coaching and 1:1 support.

Transcript

SPEAKER_02 0:00

I'm talking about to 99.99% of women. Your husband's job is not to make you happy. It's your job to wake up every day, put on makeup, do your hair, take a shower, eat something for breakfast. Don't worry about what everybody else is doing because, like they say, it's very cliche, but you cannot pour from an empty cup and just like sobbing to death. That's how it felt. Like I was sobbing to death. And he's just like, This does not bother me. And it was only because he was so sick of my stuff. He was so like, I can't make you happy. I'm not even going to try. And he tried so hard. And I was like, save me. Like worship him. What a weirdo. Like, that's everything I don't believe in, right? And I would I would get nauseous by women like myself. So I get it. If you're feeling nauseous, I understand. However, what we don't understand in this modern world is that the more masculine and the more. So if a man is masculine and then a woman is masculine, guess what? And I know there's gonna be liberal and feminist and crazy progressive women going, my husband is a feminist. You're in a gay relationship. I'm not kidding. I'm not kidding. Because if a man allows you to emasculate him, he is becoming the woman, and you're becoming the man, and now there's no polarity. There's absolutely no polarity. And now it's like you're in a lesbian relationship.

SPEAKER_03 1:36

Hi, and welcome back to Talk to Tamara. Today I have a very special guest. Her name is Irena, known also as Esther Malka. She's a speaker, she's a podcast host and a content creator, and she helps women strengthen their marriages by embracing their traditional values, their grace and softness while bridging the communication gap between men and women. Thank you so much for being here all the way from Colorado. I really, really appreciate it.

SPEAKER_02 2:05

I'm so excited to be here. I've been following you for a while. So I'm like really, really excited.

SPEAKER_03 2:09

Okay, amazing, amazing. So before we get into everything, I really want you to kind of tell us your story, tell us who you are and what what brought you to like the platform that that you have.

SPEAKER_02 2:20

Okay, amazing. Um so I am a regular average grew up secular traditional Jew. And I realized that when I got married, that I really did not see any examples of a happy relationship. Not to call anybody out, not to throw anyone under, you know, under the bus, but I really did not grow up with like super loving and healthy relationships around me, not in my immediate family, not in my distant family, not even neighbors, like friends, parents, stuff like that. It was just part of the culture that where I grew up in Israel, women were always stressed out and overworked and exhausted. And that's what I really thought that I was supposed to be as a wife. So when I got married to my ex-husband, I thought that I was gonna be the best wife in the world. And what happened was is that I was stressed, anxious, lonely, tired, um, and controlling because I really thought that that it was my job to raise my husband, to train him, to mold him into the man that I want. Little did I know when you pick your husband, this is you're not marrying potential. You're marrying the person in front of you. And I didn't know that. So how old were you when you got married? I was 28. Okay. And we were together two years. I got married. We had a lovely wedding in Mexico. It's so fun. But I remember even under the hoppa thinking, you know, this is not right. Um, because I it felt like a mismatch. And it only felt like a mismatch because we had no idea what we were doing. He comes from a like a place of, you know, divorced parents. I come from a place of divorced parents. We don't have a manual, we don't have the Torah, we don't have, you know, uh leaders in the community that are guiding us, like rabbis, pastors, whatever that may look like. And it it was really scary because they say you need a village to raise babies, but you really need a community to hold a marriage together as well. Without a community, without going to the right people that have the proper relationship, maybe an advanced rabbi or someone you trust and ask questions. What do I do in this situation? Why am I acting this way? Why is my husband acting that way? We didn't have any of that. We were doing it completely on our own. And it was really sad, it was really scary. I was always controlling, I was telling what to wear, I was telling what to eat, where to go, what time to come back. And I really thought that this was the norm. I really, really did. I was like, I'm doing everything right, I'm being the the the the you know, the doting but controlling wife, and this is what you're supposed to do. And again, like this was wrong. And part of it is that I was brainwashed and indoctrinated by many, many ideologies. Like the feminist ideology told me that I should not need a man and I should go work and I should leave the kids at home, and that my husband and I should be equal in everything. So whenever I saw him, I was like, Oh, I can do that. I don't need him. So if I needed something like help with the car or help with the child or help at home, I would say, I'll figure it out, whatever. And if he did it out of the goodness of his heart, I was I don't need you, or like you're doing it wrong. So there was a lot of not only control, but lack of gratitude.

SPEAKER_03 6:11

That's really an interesting point. Yeah. The lack of gratitude. Oh, 100%. But how did you come, I guess, to the place where you realize that this is actually wrong, right? Because I have to say that the one thing that struck me the most about your platform is you are one of the only people that are kind of calling out what you did wrong in the marriage. Yes. Right? Everybody's like, what did they do wrong? Um, nobody takes like the accountability for it. So it's it's crazy.

SPEAKER_02 6:42

So having- that's I'm starting a movement. Yeah. I want women to wake up and you know, really take accountability and have introspection and self-realization that you you're not the victim in the relationship. Obviously, they are victim in relationships. It depends on your level of abuse or whatever it is. But I'm talking about to 99.99% of women, your husband's job is not to make you happy. It's your job to wake up every day, put on makeup, do your hair, take a shower, um, eat something for breakfast. Don't worry about what everybody else is doing because, like they say, it's very cliche, but you cannot pour from an empty cup. I was pouring from a dehydrated cup. I mean, the cup was dehydrated. That's how bad it was. Because I didn't think that I was supposed to take care of myself. Why would I take care of myself? I have a husband I have to feed, I have a child with, you know, a lot of challenges, as you know. And so, like, I I don't have time for myself. And I think women have this idea that if we make ourselves the victim, somehow, somehow, someone will come and save us. Like on a night on a shining armor, you know. And I remember even saying this in another time. I remember thinking, while I was married, there's gotta be a guy out there that's going to come and save me from this awful marriage. The marriage wasn't awful. My attitude towards the marriage was awful. The marriage was great. My ex-husband was great, but the way that I saw him was like the enemy. Like, why aren't you making me happy? Don't you care about me? Don't you want to uh give me everything that you have? And he tried, but then it was rejected at every advance, whether it's a compliment, flowers, gift, well, I don't like this gift. Maybe you could try harder next time, or like, oh, these flowers are not my color, so I don't like them. Or it could be a you know a million different things that I would slowly but surely like chip away this man who was the most amazing, amazing guy, because obviously I wouldn't have picked him, right? Right. And that's another thing is that if you picked him, he's good enough for you. And now it's it's for you to just focus on yourself. So, how did you get to that point? Like walk me through it. Okay, so I think that for a very long time I really thought that we were supposed to be equal and we were supposed to be the same level, and what I didn't realize is that we have our own innate gifts, talents, um, fears, challenges, whatever, as as men and women. And I when I started kind of becoming, I became more conservative as a woman because I was very liberal, progressive. You know, I was living in a we were living in San Francisco, a very liberal liberal place. And when we moved to Colorado, all of a sudden, slowly we started becoming a little bit more conservative in a sense that in Colorado it's more traditional, you know, lives, more traditional homes. Where in San Francisco, it's like what I do what do what you want to do. Do whatever you want. And so I started realizing that wait a minute, like all the all my girlfriends have traditional marriages, and you know, the the the ones that are really, really happy have Torah-based lives. And so I started thinking, maybe I just like maybe I went the wrong path. And I remember I I would read Tahilim a lot, and I would ask Hashem for help, and I would, you know, I would pray a ton. Um, and one day I was sitting in my room. I remember, and I was sitting under the blankets, and I was wailing, I was crying so much, I was so exhausted, I was so lonely. And I just wanted my ex-husband to just pay attention to me and really save me from this misery that I created. And I remember I was like in the room crying and wailing, and he walks in, he opens the door, he walks around the bed, grabs his charger, and then walks right out. And imagine, like you imagine a woman like in her misery, like, oh my God, and just like sobbing to death. That's how it felt. Like I was sobbing to death, and he's just like, This does not bother me. And it was only because he was so sick of my stuff. He was so like, I can't make you happy. I'm not even going to try. And he tried so hard. And I was like, Save me. Like, don't you love me? And it was not his job. And I remember clearly he would tell me, It's not my job to make you happy. Happiness comes from within. And I was like, What is like Yeah, you're like, what does that mean? What does that mean? You're supposed you're my husband. Make me happy, fill into me. Yeah. And that's not that's not what we're supposed to do. And I think this is a huge problem right now.

SPEAKER_03 11:55

This is the mantra of being, you know, like the woman, like kind of, you know, that the man is supposed to protect you, the man is supposed to save you, the man is supposed to give you all the things that without that, we are we are not happy. Yeah. Right. So it comes, I guess, back to that saying that if you don't love yourself, that you don't love, that you can't love another person, right? So you need to you need to love yourself.

SPEAKER_02 12:17

But and also if you don't love yourself, imagine who wants to love you. Like, you don't love yourself, you're just like this miserable human who is yelling at people. Like, I would go to grocery stores yelling at people, like I was in line first. Like, how dare you! And all of a sudden we're in a fight, right? And I hate myself because I hate myself. So I hate everybody else. But also, you come home and no hair, no hair done, no makeup done, you're exhausted. There's throw-up on your shirt from the baby, and you like expect this person who married a queen to love you. You look like crap. I'm sorry, you look like crap. And I I'm talking about myself here. I'm not talking about anybody else. I'm always at first talking about myself. I am the example of what a bad wife was. When I call other women out, it's because I feel so passionate coming from within. It's not to, you know, tell anyone what to do or to villainize or punish anyone, but it's really from the place of I went through there, I went through this process. So I really feel like an expert in victimization. And I don't want you to become a victim like I was because you're only killing yourself. You're hurting yourself.

SPEAKER_03 13:31

What was that light bulb moment for you that you were like, I am in victim mode and I'm gonna move myself out of victim mode?

SPEAKER_02 13:39

I think that was like the charger moment where he came and got the charger, and I was thinking to myself, wait a minute, what this I it was probably one of the only times where he didn't come and say, Can I give you a hug? Or can I comfort you or something? And every time you say, Can I give you a hug? I say, No, get away from me. Like, I don't want to be near you. But what do we want? We want a man to come to us and save us, and but uh constantly rejecting, rejecting, rejecting his advances. So what do you expect? At one point, he's gonna stop. And that is such a dangerous zone. Because if you constantly say, I don't need help with the kids, go do your thing, or you're not doing the dishes right, go do your thing, or you know, you're not taking you're not tying the trash can properly, the trash bag properly. I'll do it. What you're doing is not only making it harder on yourself because now you have to do it, but you're also rejecting his advances, his his innate biological need to give, because women are the receivers and men are givers. So every time he gives, like gives you a cup of tea, oh, it's too hot. Oh, I don't like this tea bag. What have you done? You rejected him. Now he has to go fetch it again, and now he's thinking, I failed. So I'm not even gonna try next time. Maybe I'll I won't give her to you, maybe I'll give her coffee, or maybe I won't even try. Next time he brings you something, you know, order something at a restaurant and you say, Oh, I had that yesterday. I don't want that. Take it back. Like I want something else. Okay, now you've rejected him. A man would prefer you say, Thank you for ordering this, and also I would like that, and you just it eat the other thing, then feel rejected that he failed to please you. Because that to a man is like a dagger in the heart. Like, I gave and you didn't receive. That's what Adam and Eve did. Like you he gives and she receives, you know, he gives her children, she gives uh, or he gives her uh procreation, she gives them children, he gives her um um, I was gonna say, like he gives her um like pleasure, right? She she has to receive the pleasure. She really really as women, we didn't have a lot of responsibilities.

SPEAKER_04 15:49

Right.

SPEAKER_02 15:50

Our kind of like duty in life is to receive.

SPEAKER_03 15:55

And so a lot of women don't get that. Interesting. So are you saying, and I'm just curious about this point, let's say you are the type of wife that, you know, lets your husband kind of you know go out with go out with his friends and you know, and not help with the kids, let's say, for example, right? You're so is that is that kind of doing a disservice? Oh yeah. Instead of saying, like, I want you to come home and help me with the kids.

SPEAKER_02 16:19

Okay, well, that it's not so extreme. You can come from from A to Z. Right. So it's basically it's a woman's duty and in gift in life to receive from her husband. And also from others, from your friends, from your children, from your parents, the community, it's her job to receive. Men are now receivers, men are givers. And so when a man is not involved in the children from a very young age, it's because he could not help with the baby. He could not put the baby to sleep well enough, he didn't burp well enough, the bottle's not hot enough, or it's too hot. So by the time they're two or three, he wants nothing to do with it. You you're you're an expert in this. You do it, and I'll go to the bar with my friends, I'll go play basketball with at the gym. Why do you need me? You already are doing amazing. You're the perfect, perfect mom. I'm a loser, I'm a failure, I can't get anything done. Why would I help you? Why? Like, honestly, I'm asking, would would you would you want to?

SPEAKER_03 17:26

But then that also builds resentment from the from the woman because she's like, right, you're at the bar and I'm here with I'm here with the kids and you're not here to help me.

SPEAKER_02 17:34

So if a woman, so right now, whoever's listening, whoever's listening, um, if you feel like you have done this in the past, it's not doom and devastation. You have every you literally, I always say you can change your home in one hour, in one day, in one week, one month, one year completely. Like I changed, I saw change in my relationship within minutes. So if you started doing this from a young age or you're doing it currently, know that it's very easy to revert back to your best self and to ask for help. It's very, very easy. Okay. Okay. So, and the way you do it is by gratitude and appreciation. Because if a man feels like I'm doing everything wrong, I'm doing everything wrong, I'm doing everything wrong. And also I'm not, not only am I doing everything wrong, but I'm also not getting respect, gratitude, and appreciation for it. I have no business being here. She does not need me. Where am I needed? Where my friends are, where we're talking about sports and politics and you know, what of work, and they're giving me feedback and validation. They're saying, Oh, you're doing great, and the oh, you're such a funny guy, and they're patting you on the back, or they're at work, where they're the boss, or they're the CEO, or they are star employee, and they're getting, oh my gosh, uh Jake, you're doing so great. Ron, you're doing amazing. Menachem, you're the best. And all of a sudden, like they come home and they're being beaten while at work and outside, like with their moms. That's why they go to their moms. Oh, you're perfect, honey. You're the greatest thing that's ever happened to me. Because the wife's not gonna say, Oh, you're perfect, you're the greatest thing. They go to mom, they eat by mom. Why? Because she loves him unconditionally without explanation, without any other um request. She just loves him to death. And so if a woman starts it, the best thing to do is first of all, what I like what I used to like to do, I you want to hear practical, or you wanna I want to hear both. Yeah, okay. So what I would do is I starting, because this is I love giving practical advice because it's always like helpful to start today. Start today by giving either issuing an apology for the things that you've said and done, or giving him a gratitude note. So either way, whatever you're comfortable. If you're not comfortable apologizing right now, there's a long way to go, right? Right. There's a long road to apologizing and really owning up and uh cleaning up your side of the street, like we say. But fine, you're not comfortable, write a gratitude list, right? Thank you for taking the kids to school this morning. Thank you for helping me sweep. Thank you for um, you know, helping me on Chavez. Thank you for um whatever, pumping my gas, whatever it is small. Like, thank you for bringing me coffee. Thank you for buying coffee. It does not have to be so grandiose. Like women think I only want to say thank you when he books a vacation to Mexico. Right, right. Because it has to be grandiose in our eyes. But the thing is, like Snowball, right? It trinkles up. It goes, so everything we increase on energetically kind of builds and grows. So the more you say, like, oh, thanks for you know, putting the toilet seat down, or thank you for washing your cup this morning. So those little things become bigger things. Now he's not just doing a cup, he's doing your cup, the kid's cup, because he's thinking, oh, she's gonna thank me. She's gonna thank me for my they're like they're like little golden retrievers, right? They just want like attention and like hugs. So you say, Thank you for watching your cup, and then oh, oh my God, you watch the whole sink. Oh my gosh, thank you so much. And I know it sounds ridiculous. Women are shouting at the screen right now, going, I should thank him for helping in the hub. Right. How dare you? Are you insane? Are you in literally? I know I I feel the eyes on me, like going, I this woman is not. She's lost every marble she's ever had. But the thing is that back in the day, this is how our great grandmothers operated. If you look back, great grandmothers were so were soft and feminine and gentle and kind and loving. And maybe, maybe you if you're from a different culture, like my culture, we have a lot of trauma in our ancestry. Um, but your culture, like like Ashkenazi culture, like the women are very like they're a lot more, um, they're a lot more calm, let's say. Are we? Oh yeah. I I'm talking Sephardie versus Hashkinazi. Like the Sephari women are just very like passionate. Yes, you know. Yes. And so I'm not saying it's a bad thing, it's just a cultural difference. And so I married an Hashkinazi guy, and he just, I think he just was not used to that demeanor that like I'm so loud and I'm so gregorious and all that stuff. And um, yeah.

SPEAKER_03 22:35

I think a lot of it has to do with, and you could correct me if I'm wrong about the fact that we are as women not really leaning into our femininity, right? Like it's like we want to be equal to the man, right? We can we can go to work, we we we can make the money, we don't need the man. And I really think that a lot of it has to do with that, and we almost feel like weak if we are in the feminine role. Yes, right? The roles have been either reversed or they're they're the same, and they're not we're not really following roles. Like, but at the same time, in this culture that we're in, or in this lifestyle that we're in, it's not really possible to kind of go back to those to those roles.

SPEAKER_02 23:18

I was just thinking that. So, like they say you need a village to you know raise a child. It's the same exact thing. Like you really need communities back in the day. Women, like let's say in Russia and Israel, and um even like South America, wherever, women lived in tall buildings, right? Um, we didn't have these huge houses for everyone, but women lived in tall buildings where um they had a community, even if it was small houses, they were all like 10 houses in the neighborhood. The men all went to work, the women all stayed in the house, the men were gone for eight to ten hours, no phone, you couldn't call. Right. You didn't know if he was dead or alive. Right. And that was fine. And that's the reason why it works. We miss each other. Our culture today, you can't miss your husband for a minute. You could text him a million times and say a million things, and it and men are single focused. It they when they're at work, leave me alone. I will fail if you continue to text me. Leave me alone. Let me do my thing. When I'm home, I'm all yours. I promise. But let me just focus on this thing because I want to put all my eggs in this basket. And so the culture is that we don't leave them alone. Hey, how are you? What are you doing? What are you what are you okay? You haven't called, you haven't texted. Are you okay? Can you pick up stuff? Can you take the can you take the kids from camp? Can you, you know what? Should we eat tonight? Should we go to pizza? Like, leave me alone. Let me work. Back in the day, men went to work at war for five years. You didn't hear from them. And now it's like every five minutes you hear from your wife. And like, I understand I used to do that too. But um, it's not healthy. Like, like honestly, it's so not healthy because the gender should be that the man is. I I always say the four P's. I heard it somewhere that like it's pursue, uh, protect, provide, and procreate, right? So basically, if a man is providing and protecting, like he must go somewhere and and earn that uh financial responsibility and also strengthen his talents or whatever it looks like. So when he comes home, he doesn't feel like a big fat loser. So you either you're at home or you're at work, it's fine. But you have to understand that when you're home, you're doing a million things, right? You're doing the dishes, you're doing the laundry, you're changing the baby, you're not napping because the baby's crying, the baby's teething. I could think of like a million things, right? When a man goes to work, he just goes to work. So that that's that's like our thought. So when he comes home, you're like, I did a million things. You only went and did one thing, but what you were not realizing is that they went to work, they had to deal with a boss or employees, they had to deal with, you know, like figure on their plans for lunch. You know, they also have to feed themselves if you don't sell food. They have to make sure they're on a deadline, the project is done. If they work at a at a collar, uh, a call a blue-collar job, like they have to figure out that they're safe, that they're not construction work, they're not being, you know, they're being safe and they have to make sure their colleagues are safe. So it's not like they just went to work, got in the car. Nine hours later, after they were sitting in the car, they came home. They're also doing a ton. And when they come home, they also want to relax. You're not the only one that's tired. Right. I get it. Because again, we don't have villages, we don't have communities where the the mom comes home, right? While the man goes away and takes care of the kids while you're cooking or you're taking care of the garden. Yeah. We don't have that. So I understand that you're both tired, but don't dump on him the second he comes home. Say, hi, honey, how are you? I missed you so much. That one sentence will take him from defensive to helpful. Wow. Because if a man is like walking in and immediately, no, no, put the shoes over there. Why are you putting them over here? You know, like, can you hang your jacket away? Like, you're being nice, you're being helpful, right? You're a helpful wife. Yeah. But in our language, helpful is controlling. Because I don't want you to tell me what to do. I just came from a place. They've been telling me what to do for nine hours. In my home, I'm the king. This is my castle. You know, I want to relax. I want to chill. I want to be the king. I want to sit on my throne. I want to like maybe watch some TV, watch some sports, like check in on life. And like it really does go a long way. Hi, honey. How are you? Even if you say nothing else after, don't say, go put the, you know, oh, help with the kid. Oh my god, you're home. Finally, you're five minutes late. Stop panicking. Stop panicking. Because the more you panic and the more you tell him what to do, the more he's like, Oh God, I gotta go to the bathroom upstairs and just sit there for an hour. And that happens so much.

SPEAKER_03 27:59

Are you finding, especially now with with this culture, that the women who do have careers, and even the women that are maybe more successful even than their husbands, that that is what's leading to the divorce rates. Because the divorce rates are at an all-time high.

SPEAKER_02 28:15

Well, yeah, that's I think that's obvious that because women are women are making more money than men nowadays, actually. Are they? Yes. This is this is a statistic, recent statistic. Women are making more money, they have more degrees and they live a better lifestyle. So, meaning a man will go and like rent in someone's basement, a woman's like, no, no, I want the penthouse. Like, I'm making good money. Like, so livelihoods better. So, why would I need a man? So when when you go into a relationship, let's say you get married at 20, 30, 40, whatever, and you go into the relationship and you also already have an insurance policy of like, okay, if I don't like him, I can go back to my penthouse. I can go back to my apartment, I can go back to my community of young singles with a pool where I'm so happy there. So I see people who are like divorced two, three, four times because they're like, I don't have to deal with this. You do, you do, you actually do. You signed a contract to love them forever, and just because they yell at you a little or they gaslight you, you know, it's like such a favorite word. But just because they do something that could be remedied doesn't mean you should run away. And this is men and women do this, but women notoriously file more divorces. So women uh file 80% more than men. And the reason is is because a man will not want to take the the the F, the fail, right? A man will do everything in his power, and I heard this recently, he will do anything in his power to actually uh make sure that he succeeds, even if he fails but he stays, he feels successful. So if your husband stays but he's miserable, it's because he feels like he has no other choice. Because if he fails and leaves, he looks like a loser to everyone else, even if he's in the right. Because when we get divorced, the first thing that everyone asks is, What did he do? What did he do? Did he cheat? Did he lie? Is he gambling? Is he seeing it?

SPEAKER_03 30:24

Well, it's always two things. It's always the guy is a narcissist and the woman is crazy.

SPEAKER_02 30:30

Right, right.

SPEAKER_03 30:31

Those are the two things.

SPEAKER_02 30:32

But this is amongst the men's group. But if you tell women or men I'm getting a divorce, both unanimously, both genders will say, What did he do? Oh guy, he's such a jerk. Like, oh my guy, I feel so bad for you. Let's have let's have a singles party for you, right? Like, let's celebrate your freedom from this jerk. For men, it's like, oh man, like, oof, that's tough. Like, I I mean, obviously they talk, obviously, they also talk, but I think it's more of a failure. Like, they don't want to talk, they don't open up, also, they don't have anyone to talk to.

SPEAKER_04 31:05

Right.

SPEAKER_02 31:05

They don't talk to their moms, they don't talk to their friends about marriage. But that's weird. We talk about it all day. Like, he did this, he said that. Like, what do you think? Does he like me still? You know, they don't do that. So at the same time, like they don't have someone in their ear constantly, he's a loser, he's gaslighting you, he's cheating on you. Because that's what happens, especially if your girlfriends are getting a divorce. That is, they say if your best friend or your friend in your friend group gets a divorce, you're 50% more likely to divorce. 50%. Wow. Immediately, the second she gets a divorce, because now you're looking at her, she's living her best life, she's dating all these having hot guys, you know. And and and she's like, she's saying, like, she's not gonna tell you that oh, this is miserable. She's gonna tell you only the highlights, the highlight reels. So now you're thinking, Oh, I don't need this loser. And also, history tells me that I'm an independent woman, I can do anything you can do better. And also, I make more money than you now, so why do I need you? Even if you don't make more money, you're gonna pay me when I leave you. You're gonna pay me, right? You're gonna pay Alamo, you're gonna pay child support because now the man's responsible for everything.

SPEAKER_03 32:21

So you were this woman though. Oh, yeah. So what happened with your divorce?

SPEAKER_02 32:27

Yeah, so a great question, honestly. Like people ask me this all the time, and I love answering it actually. So um, my ex and I, first of all, I was such a bad wife. I talk about this all the time. I was an awful, awful, awful, disgusting wife.

SPEAKER_03 32:42

Meaning like you were just controlling and mean and natural.

SPEAKER_02 32:46

So I want to make I want to make a distinction because at the Shabbaton that I was that I went to, yeah, I was talking to a lot of women and I said, listen, you know, men, just because a man is a bad husband doesn't mean he's a bad guy. And I want to make that distinguish the distinction. I was a good woman. I was a good friend, I was a good member in society, I was given sadaka, I was I was helping the elderly. You know, I loved babies, I would cuddle babies everywhere I went. But I was a horrible wife. And the two are not the same. You can be the most incredible, you could be an angel in your regular life, but at home behind closed doors, you could be the devil, right? You could be a really, really awful person. I was an awful person. Could you give me an example? Like I was controlling. I thought it was my job to tell my husband, my ex-husband, what to do, like what to do, what to wear, how to uh how to act, right? If he like made a like a non-funny, I'm like, that's not funny. Don't say that again. Or like, oh my god, like you're so awkward. Like, oh now we're uncomfortable. Obviously, it wasn't all the time, but even one time of of this criticism of not letting him be his own self, that is diminishing his light.

SPEAKER_03 33:58

That is you're stomping it on his humanity to be some something else. Like you said earlier that you don't marry potential.

SPEAKER_02 34:07

Yeah.

SPEAKER_03 34:07

I think that's a big, big thing that people don't realize.

SPEAKER_02 34:10

My friend Gatsia told me that. I'm gonna give her a shot up because she's like my favorite human.

SPEAKER_03 34:14

Right. So people don't realize that, right? They say, like, oh, okay, he's young, especially in our community, right? We get married very, very young. So, what do we know about the person that we're marrying? And you know, we're hoping that they're eventually gonna grow into the man that we want or the man that we expect. Right.

SPEAKER_02 34:32

So I think, like, I think back in the day, like I said, like I never saw a woman that was happy with her relationship. And I'm not saying they didn't have good moments, they didn't love each other. They all loved each other, I think, too much. I think because all the Israeli, Bukharian, Moroccan women are so um passionate, it was like too much love. He was like suffocating me with love. So I think when I saw them say, put this over there and go do this and go say that and go go tell them what. Why are you telling a man what to do? He knows what to do. He's here to protect, provide, pursue, procreate. You know, he's here, he's here to do his biological um responsibility. So stop telling him what to do. And I think that um as women, we think that if I raise my husband, like you know, we joke a lot, like my husband's my fourth child, he's my third child, like, you know, I don't like my husband will never babysit the kids. Obviously, you're prophesizing this, but if you realize that the man that you chose is exactly perfect the way he is, you may be projecting uh what your insecurities are onto him. That's what I was doing because I hated myself. And instead of fixing myself, it's so much easier to fix him. I don't have a mirror for myself everywhere I go, but he's standing right in front of me, and I could easily tell him what to do and how to do it. So he was putting the forks upside down in the dishwasher. You know what? I'll do it. Or let me show you how to do it. How disrespectful that is so like mean. Why don't you just let him do the dishes? If they come up dirty, he'll do it again and then he'll learn. Like Laura Doyle, my mentor. Yeah, do you know Laura Doyle? Oh my gosh, I love her so I used to have her. Um, she always says you can have a a wife lesson or a life lesson. And every time he has a wife lesson, he's thinking to himself, I cannot entrust her. I cannot tell her things because now she's gonna give me a wife lesson again, and now I'm gonna feel small again in my wife's eye. And the worst thing for a guy is to fail in his wife's eye, because she he idolizes his wife, whether you realize it or not, he married you because he idolizes you. So when you when you uh give him the chance to uh make his own mistakes and uh do his own like due diligence, whatever that looks like, and then he comes back and says, You know what, your way is so much better. That too, and you say, Oh, thanks. Like, oh, you know, I always knew I was the cute the smarter one, whatever, you're being cheeky, you're being cute about it. Then he's not thinking, I cannot tell her things. He's thinking, Oh, I'm gonna go tell her, like her way's better. Or like he might not even tell you, but you might think, like, my wife's so smart, she's always right, and now I know she's always right, but he he got to that conclusion on his own. Instead of you constantly, I told you, I told you, didn't I tell you? Yeah, you're supposed to do it this way.

SPEAKER_03 37:33

So you said that you were a very bad wife.

SPEAKER_02 37:35

I was a very bad wife, and at so at year 10, so we were married 13, together 15. At year 10, I I I remember my ex-sister-in-law brought me the Laura Laura Boyle, uh, Laura Doyle's book, The Empowered Wife, which is like my Bible. You know, other than the Torah, she's like my other Torah. Um did you get trained in that? Yes, I was. I'm a certified coach. And by the way, her all of her stuff is rooted in Torah. It's rooted in um everything that we learn as um religious people, as Jews, like everything we know is completely true to how Adam and Eve, Moshe and Sarah, and Racha, you know, and all the forefathers were. Were you religious then? I was not religious at year 10. But I remember she brought me the book and I looked at it and I was like, this is this is crap. This is what is this anti-feminist crap? I hate this. What do you mean? What do you mean I have to bow down to my husband, relinquish control, and submit to him? Are you insane? Yeah, you're like, I'm a I am an independent boss, babe. I'm the boss in this house. I wear the pants in this house, right? That was my like, like as I all I saw was women who were dominating their husbands, whether it was outside, public, whatever. Yeah. Like I'm not throwing my family under the bus. I think they were great. It doesn't even not not necessarily my family, even on TV, TV shows where the woman was always like, you know, ask my wife, ask my wife. I don't know if I can go, you know.

SPEAKER_03 39:08

Yeah, like get permission. Like that's a big thing.

SPEAKER_02 39:10

Like, who was seeing Ricky? Like she was like the loud dominant. Ricky was like, oh my gosh, I have a headache from her. Like that's that's what we saw, even in the 50s, right? Um, so um, year 10, I didn't read the book. I put it in my nightstand. And then another time, I we had like a really bad time. I think it was two years of like just pure misery, where we wanted nothing to do with each other, and we were like roommates. And the reason why we stayed, excuse me, we have a child with an intellectual disability who is the light of my life. He is the greatest thing that's ever happened to me. He saved my life. And so we needed each other. I more me, me more than him. Like I needed him more than he needed me because he was traveling here, he was working. I was at home with the kid for nine years, and so, or 10 years almost. And so I needed him to help me because I wasn't sleeping, I wasn't eating, I was stick skinny, and I was always just like my hair was falling out, I had acne everywhere. Wow. And so I was like, fine, I'll read this book again, I'll give it a try. I read the book, and this time I had a different Gisha, you know, like in Hebrew, I say geisha, a different view of the book, a different perspective. Like this time I was my vessel was able to receive. Like I opened my channels, I opened my vessels, and now Hashem was like, okay, fine, you ready? I'm gonna give you this knowledge because you asked for it. Because I used to beg. I used to beg when I would wail and cry and sob and in my bed, I would say, Hashem, I don't care, like I don't care about anything in life. I just want to have a happy marriage. I just want to have a happy marriage, even if my son never becomes better. I just want like like a happy, warm, like amazing home. Wow. And so Hashem heard me. You know, it took I took a while, but he heard me. And I in I really received this information and I started doing the transformation. I'm telling you, within days, I was already doing the stuff. I hi immediately hired a Laura Doyle coach, which I honestly I would pay a million dollars for this. If you told me what I know today, I would fundraise and get a million dollars and go back to Laura and learn everything that she's taught me. Wow. Because she's like a like I don't even know what's the word for like the like a goddess. Like a like a like a Viking, you know, like someone so giant, she's a giant in this field. Um and she really saved my life as well. And I'm like forever grateful to her. Um but after learning this stuff and after applying it, after having a coach and everything, I think what he realized is that what he really was beaten so much in the relationship because now I'm this empowered, cool, fun, light, magnetic wife. Like I'm beautiful again. Like I started wearing nice clothes, doing my makeup and my hair. And it's like, w where were you 10 years ago? Like this is like this is not fun, this is not fair. It's not fun for me because now you've left me with the scars and this memories of of like atrocious behavior. Atrocious is an understatement. I would scream, I would throw things, I was, I was horrible. It was just like I was like a crazy person. I was diagnosed with like bipolar disorder, anxiety disorder, depression, general depression. Did you have bipolar? Listen, I don't believe that maybe some people do, but I don't believe that like our brain and our gut are very well connected.

SPEAKER_04 42:48

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 42:48

I think it's because I was abusing myself, not not abusing myself, but I was eating the wrong diet. I was not sleeping, I was in stress mode all the time.

SPEAKER_03 42:57

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 42:58

And when you are not uh practicing mind, body, and soul, you're basically you're you can give yourself cancer. Do you know this? So you can give yourself anything.

SPEAKER_03 43:08

I agree with that. Yeah. But I will um say that if you were if you are diagnosed with bipolar, there are actual disorders out there. It's not that everything is diet and everything is, you know.

SPEAKER_02 43:20

I believe it is. I actually believe it is. I think there's spectrums to where where where you are. Like if you're really far gone, you really need serious help, then obviously you have to go to a hospital or to a therapist. But I didn't feel that way. I didn't I didn't feel that way at all. I was like, I'm not bipolar. There's no way, there's nothing wrong with me. I'm just like hot and cold all the time. But like I'm not a crazy person. I'm not mentally unstable. I'm just like really, really crazy because like my you know, my culture and like my people and my like, you know, trickle down trauma from my ancestors. And so I knew I wasn't bipolar. And actually, if I talk to Any therapist right now, they would say, absolutely not. You don't have to do that. Right. That's what I wouldn't.

SPEAKER_03 44:04

I that's what I was wondering about that.

SPEAKER_02 44:05

And so not only did I manifest that I was bipolar and crazy, and and I had ADHD and had general anxiety and postparatum depression and general like all this stuff, I also manifested out of it because I was like, no, I don't have bipolar disorder. I'm cool I'm fine. I'm fine. And this program that I did with Laura Doyle helped me a lot because it basically made me realize that everything I say, I'm going to my brain, my my soul is going to hear it and manifest it. So every time I would say something like, Oh, Irena, you're so stupid. You're so stupid. I can't believe you did that. Or oh my God, your husband's such an idiot. Like, I can't believe he did the dishes that way again. All of a sudden, all I saw was idiots and stupid people in my house. Everybody was an idiot. You know? And so when I finally when I finally realized that I was manifesting this onto myself, I started changing myself only. And I stopped telling my ex-husband what to do, how to do it. And then we lived a very comfortable and good life for about two years. But the problem is, and oh man, I like don't like talking about him at all because he's the greatest guy in the world. The problem is that he could not forgive me from the past because every time one small thing would come up. And I mean small. Like, did you pack the bottles for the child? Yeah.

SPEAKER_03 45:33

It would trickle.

SPEAKER_02 45:34

How dare you? What do you mean? What do you mean? Did I pack the you don't trust me? You're you're cut going back to your old self because that trauma was so ingrained in him. Like she's going to rip my head off. So I have to get ahead of the game and I allow her to rip my head off because then I don't want to get my head ripped, right? So yeah. So I think it was so much like Was it like too?

SPEAKER_03 45:57

It was too hard. Too late.

SPEAKER_02 45:58

Too little, too late. And you know how you like try to glue a vase together, but there's like water pouring out. Yeah. And don't get me wrong, it's like like we we absolutely loved each other at that time as well. But we realized that our tikkun, you know, like our tikkun, our the fixing ourselves was over with each other because he learned something monumental for me, I hope. And I learned something so monumental for him because he basically helped help make me the woman that I am today, this empowered, feminine, adorable, like life-loving creature. Where before the the woman that he got was this hobbit that's lying in bed. Like, I would have to crawl to the shower and force myself to shower because I was so depressed. I was like, Where is my knight in shining armor armor? Is he gonna come save me? So, like, if he doesn't, I'll just sit in bed all day. And I had even girlfriends tell me, like, Irena, you gotta get out of bed. You have to go do something. You have to, you know, and I was like, no, I don't. I don't. This is my happy place. I'm I'm good here. And I would numb whether whether it was, you know, social media or like talking to friends, or like, you know, I dabbled in smoking things that I shouldn't be. And so I would numb, numb, numb. So I was constantly like a zombie. Like I was like literally dying inside. You know how they say don't live, thrive. Yeah, you know, and don't die, survive. So it's like I was surviving barely, but I felt like I was slowly dying. And there was a point where I really wanted to die. And I would I would say, I would say to Hashem, like Hashem, you made me Jewish, right? In Judaism, we're not allowed to do uh to harm ourselves, we're not allowed to harm others, but also we're not allowed to harm ourselves. So what do you want from me? You you gave me a husband that hates me, you gave me a child that has a disability, and now I'm I'm here and I'm like, I'm I'm miserable. What why did you bring me into this world? Like maybe if a truck could hit me on the road, I could you know go to the you know, get out of this world and end my misery. And instead he was like, No, I'm gonna help you because you're actually helping for help, you're asking for help. And that's when I that's really when the transformation started, when I started talking to God, when I started talking to Hashem and saying, Why did you bring me here? Like questioning, and that's what Chuvai is, right? Yeah, asking enough questions to come to the answer. So I asked so many questions why did you bring me here? Do you want me to die? Do you want me to suffer? Did you give me a child with a disability because you want me to be this terrible person who's like barely breathing? Why, why, why, why? Okay, so I start praying. And they said, When you pray, you God, God hears your thoughts, right? But when you meditate, God you hear God's thoughts, or you hear God's prayers or whatever. And so I started meditating, like not a lot, but just like closing my eyes. And this is from my therapist, like who I worked with as well. And she's she did EMDR on me. I don't know if it helped, but I basically um I basically like started just listening. Like I would put this um white noise on where it had like a melody. Yeah, and I would just go into five, ten, fifteen, twenty minutes, however long I could, and would just sit and listen to Hashem speak to me. And I always heard him speak, whether it was five minutes, because our thoughts and our words come from him. You know, it's not really like when your thoughts come, you're like, oh wow, where was that from? Like it's it's coming from Hashem. Right. So it was I heard this voice that like you're done, like your tikkun here is done with him. You do not need to be here anymore.

SPEAKER_03 49:56

And um is there like a grief process of like why, or like an anger, I guess to God, of why didn't you bring this to me sooner so that I could save my marriage?

SPEAKER_02 50:07

Oh god, no.

SPEAKER_03 50:08

No, no, no, no, no, because like there is, I'm sure, like a grief period of, you know, now I'm this wife that he loves and I love him, and we're in this happy place for those for those two years, but it was like too late. Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 50:22

Um, no. Um, I think at that point, I I've already become Baal Teshuva. And so at that point, I had no doubt that I was on the right path. That I had zero doubt that my ex-husband was the perfect, you know, like the perfect player in my story. And my son was the perfect player in my story. And if I had to put together like a play of all the people that came into my life, like I was like, oh, this makes sense, and this makes sense, and this makes sense, and this guy brought me here, and this woman brought me here, and my mother brought me here, and my father said this because of that. Now I get it. Every single thing was a piece to the puzzle, and my ex was the last piece to me becoming the woman that I am today, so that the next man that is Zoche, like we say, like wins to be with me, because I really think that I'm like a completely changed person, and really the man that's going to be with me is going to be shocked by how light and fun and excitable and cute and like loving I am because I'm the opposite of what I used to be.

SPEAKER_03 51:29

But is there a guilt that you hurt him? Oh my god, yes.

SPEAKER_02 51:33

Why do you think I'm here? There's so much guilt. Actually, somebody asked me the other day, have you forgiven yourself? I said, I don't think so. I don't think I don't think I could ever forgive myself. But then who am I to deem myself unforgivable? Hashem made me do this. I didn't do any of it. I have no hand in this. Hashem made me exactly, exactly, exactly who I am today to teach that man a lesson. And he taught me also things that Hashem sent through him, right? His messages, his behavior, his um lifestyle. And so I how could I not forgive myself? Hashem forgives me and I can't forgive myself? Like, what kind of an egotistical maniac is that?

SPEAKER_03 52:17

Right? Wow, that's such an incredible way of looking at it. Like Hashem forgives me. God am I to override him? And I don't forgive myself.

SPEAKER_02 52:26

You know why I know he forgives me? My life gets better and better every single day. If Hashem does not want me to live this amazing life, he would be like, No, you're good. Like sit in your corner, keep crying, be a victim, sit in your puddle of misery. But instead, I'm here living the best life. Obviously, I'm looking for the perfect man for me. There's no perfect man. I'm looking for the perfect man for me, the one that completes me, you know, the one that compliments me, the one who wants to be in his masculine, wants to be uh the leader, the provider, the protector, the procreator, right? He wants to give and please and pleasure. And I'm the one who wants to receive. And I also want to worship him. Don't get me wrong, because I was I was saying this at the Shabbaton, people are like, worship him. This is coming from Rabbi Manis Friedman. He says that you should worship your husband and look up to him. And I could not agree more. And this is very controversial. Especially podcasts.

SPEAKER_03 53:25

I saw that, and I and I read that.

SPEAKER_02 53:27

They got like a 15 million views or something, and people were like, What? Oh my god.

SPEAKER_03 53:32

Oh my god, we should worship him. But that's again, that's going back to the feminism, you know, like I should worship him, like like he should worship me. That's how that's how it should be.

SPEAKER_02 53:41

And I think the other way around. And I think also Jewish women will tell you, no, no, no, no, it's Ezer Kennecdo, meaning that you are opposite of him, not beneath, not below, not above, whatever. You're Ezer Kennecdo, right, right opposite of him, right next to him, but not above or below. Only this way, not this way. Yeah. And the thing is that Ezer Kenegdo doesn't mean that you shouldn't worship your husband. It means that you guys are the same exact flesh, the same body, the same soul, the same everything. But at the same time, if he is as close to God as anybody else to you, right? Because we are all Betalem Elohim, meaning that we're all created in the in the image of Hashem, image of God. So why wouldn't I look at my husband like he's as godly as they come? Like, oh my gosh, look at that man. Like he's godly. Why? Because he's bringing the bracha from him to me, right? Hashem, man, woman. And it's not to say like a woman cannot get the bracha this way, but typically a man, if a woman is kind to the man and the man does not retaliate, guess what? Now they both got the bracha, but through the man, right? So I'm not exactly sure how it works. Yeah. But if you see your husband like he's this godly human, right? Like everybody else, whatever, like they're cool. But my husband's the best husband in the world. Like he's the coolest, like most incredible man there is. Oh my gosh. Like you'll see miracles. You see butterflies and you know, like all these beautiful imagery in front of you. Because really, your husband should be the most incredible person in your life. He's going to move mountains from you if you only allow him. Wow. Wow.

SPEAKER_03 55:21

So tell me what your um what made you start your own podcast, like about our so yeah.

SPEAKER_02 55:29

So I'm I really have a mission to help women wake up. And it's only because I love women, we have a sisterhood, I'm on your side. Even though I may sound like I'm not taking your side, even though I may sound like, you know, you're betraying us. You're, you know, you're not a feminist, you're betraying us. No, no, no, no. The thing is that we have to go back to basics and realize that somewhere along the line, somewhere, you know, some somebody up there, right? Not Hashem, but somebody from the powerful, let's say, you know, area wanted to kill marriages, wanted to kill the nuclear family, wanted to kill religion. And so their agenda was to villainize men because women are always the victims in every situation, right? And men are always the perpetrator. Right. No matter what the situation is. Well, you know, I I hit him. Well, what did he do to deserve it? Or like I cheated on him. Well, probably cheated on you first, right? There's never a situation where the woman is held accountable. There's always like, yeah, but you know, like, he's not a good husband. He kind of deserves it, right? Like, so I want women to realize like your husband wants to please you more than anything in the world. Your husband chose you because he thought that you were the not only the best woman for him, you were the best woman out of the whole litter of women, right? Out of the whole bunch, he picked you and he didn't have to commit to you. He committed to you in spite of his biological fear of like never being not wanting to be a uh um what is it, monogamous and with the same woman for the rest of his life. Even though his judgment was like like not to do that, he still did it, which means that at that moment he committed his life to you. And now when you're chipping away at him constantly, like telling him what to do and how to do it, what he wants to do is get away from you. And this is why I find that men are stuck after Shabbos in the bathroom for an hour because they want to get away from me. They want a little freedom. They want like you just told him what to do. Oh my god, the kids are running. Grab the kids, get get the get the thing to go. Put that in the put that in the in the stroller. Can you can you come back and get me? Um I'm gonna do a couple things here. What time is it? Do you know what time is prayer? Like, we will not leave them alone, right?

SPEAKER_03 57:52

So it's whatever we're so annoying.

SPEAKER_02 57:55

Like, honestly, like it's it's one of those things where this is our nature, but it doesn't have to be. We can be these like magnetic, you know, like goddesses, right? These magnetic like like butterflies, fairies, whatever. Like, okay, like so you need help, then say, honey, I'm so exhausted. You know, I would love some help right now. Like instead of, you know what? I woke up this morning with the kids, you came to show, you didn't feed them, like say it in a way.

SPEAKER_03 58:19

I did more, you did less. You know, that's that's kind of like always what's going on.

SPEAKER_02 58:23

Exactly. It has to be equal. Yeah, no, but I want to finish the the thought. So the podcast is really to bridge the gap between men's language and women's language. So in men's so in women's language, let's say if I say to you, let's say I say to you, Tamara, like you are um, you are like such a good friend, but like you're always late. You know, you're like, okay, cool, I'll accept it. Like, right. What because we're girlfriends and like we're like, I I you don't want to disrespect me. But if you come to your husband and say, you know what, you're always late, what he hears is is I failed you as a man. He doesn't hear like, oh, I can change this. He can hear he hears, I failed you as a man. So instead of saying the thing that he did wrong, give him gratitude and appreciation and positive feedback for the things that he does right. So for example, if he does take you out on a date, but it's not your favorite restaurant, it's not vibey enough, it's not loud enough, you wanted to go to a party like area, okay, then say, you know what, thank you so much for taking me here. Like, I I love noise, you know, like I recharge a noise. Like I would love to be somewhere noisy, but like I love that we're on a date right now. Like, I love connecting with you. Instead of telling, like, oh my God, we always go to the same places, like you're not creative, like why because next time he's gonna remember this because he really men are single focused. So if you tell them something in a very positive and not complaining and nagging manner, he's gonna remember for next time and say, you know what? Last time she told me she recharges in noise and that she wants something more vibey and something more cool. I'm gonna take her to the coolest spot. And not only that, I'm gonna research it and make sure that she knows that I did all this work so she can be thankful. But what happens next time? It's too loud. It's too loud. I like I have a headache. You know, I had such a terrible day. And the kids, and you know, I'm so tired. Can we just go home? The man just went and moved mountains for you, did all this research, made a reservation a month in advance because those places you need to make reservations. Yeah, he made sure to pick you up, not to pick you up, but like make sure he his car had gas, right? He showered, shaved, and put on his favorite cologne. He made sure that he helped you with the kids because of course you're getting ready. Who's doing your makeup and hair? You are so the kids had need supervision for a few minutes, right? So instead of just like finding everything that's wrong, find little things that are right, like like small, tiny things. Like you look so nice today. You know, like I'm really happy you're my husband. You know, like even though you annoy me, like you're the best annoyer in the world. Like you're my annoyer. You're my annoying. You're my annoyer. Like you're you're so sexy tonight. You know, like even if even if you feel like like your husband could be Brad Pitt, like even if you're the hottest girl in the world, but this is the man in front of you. He better be the sexiest man in the room to you know. So even if he's not your type, but like you grew to love him, tell him he's sexy. Tell him he's cute, tell him he's adorable, tell him how great he's doing at work. Like, I really appreciate you, you know, putting money on the table and but keeping a roof over her head. Like that is the most amazing thing to do.

SPEAKER_03 1:01:36

Oh, if they provide, forget it, right? The man is like feeling like a million dollars.

SPEAKER_02 1:01:41

Thank you for going to work and making money and putting a roof over her head and food in the fridge. He's gonna be like, oh, wow. They don't care about taking you to Mexico or to to uh Florida or to Greece. They care about the fact that you care that they gave you the most basic necessities, which is which is his contract in the catuba. In the marriage agreement, food, shelter, pleasure, and I don't remember what else, but basically I'm giving you, I'm giving you a food shelter, and if you don't annoy me, I'll give you pleasure. But like you have to be cute and fun. But like because we're not cute and fun. Like sometimes they don't even want that. Right. Because like like Laura Doyle says, it's a um prickly porcupine, you know, like like you don't like you you touch the wife, and she's like, Don't touch me. And you're like, poke, and then she's like, I'm tired, poke, and then like go up first, put put the kids to sleep, and then I'll think about it, poke, you know, like it's all of a sudden, like they like, or or she's or or she's I'm fine. And he's like, and he's like, Oh, this ice queen, I want nothing to do with it. I'm gonna go upstairs, but it's nice and warm. I don't want to be next to this ice queen. Like when you when you sit like this and you say, I'm fine, everything's fine, everything's good. Like, no, don't worry about it. I don't want to talk about it. What is he hearing? Okay.

SPEAKER_04 1:02:57

I'm gonna talk about it.

SPEAKER_02 1:02:59

Yeah, okay, cool. I can go play video games, I can go talk to my friends, I can go sit and watch TikToks for half an hour. Finally, I've peased what you really want, you know, and and a lot of women don't realize it is that they think if I push him away, he'll change. Or then he'll come back.

SPEAKER_03 1:03:18

Or he'll come chasing. But what's wrong? Right. Chasing. The chasing.

SPEAKER_02 1:03:21

And my ex used to do that all the time. He was he was, but what's wrong? Let's talk about it. Let's talk. No, get away from me. I don't want anything to do with you. I I'm done with you. I'm done. I I don't want to talk about it anymore. Um, but if you actually tell them what's wrong and how they can fix it in their language, so I'm gonna give you an example about languages. If you give them the chance to receive it in their language, they're going to be so happy because finally, because my ex-girlfriend didn't tell me what to do, and my other ex-wife was always upset at me, and my mom never tells me what I'm doing wrong because I'm not eating her food and not coming to visit long, you know. So, like, nobody's telling me what to do, but I need a woman to tell me what I'm doing wrong. So if the wife is saying, like, okay, like instead of saying I'm fine, it's like, no, I'm good, I'm good, honey. How was your day? Okay. And then you find the right time to tell him what's going on with you on your paper, right? You find when he's not tired, when he's not doing a project, right in the middle of a deadline, when he's not just like had a fight with his friend or with his dad, when he's not upset at the kids because they like disrespected him heavily. You find a time. He's about to watch golf or tennis or football. He's about to unwind and relax. So give him a few minutes to unwind and relax. Don't be like, oh, sitting down, great. It's the state of the union address. No, literally, it I do I used to do State of the Union address. Like my ex would sit down and oh, great. Sit right, sitting right next to him. Okay, let's talk about this week. How you everything you did wrong. And everything I I'm the press secretary. I'm telling you everything you did wrong. I have notes. I literally sometimes I would come with notes. It was insane. No, I'm not kidding. Because I think in therapy, she would she would encourage me to write down everything that I needed to change with. So, so instead of, you know, like piling all the stuff on him, let him unwind a few minutes, five, ten, fifteen, whatever's a fit for your husband. You know him best. And then say, you know, like I really would love something from you. Oh, not even from you, but like I really would love something, right? Because you want to stay on your paper. It's very important that you don't bleed onto their paper. Yeah. Because you have to you have to make sure that you were in your in your feminine, you are only controlling yourself. If you're controlling others, all of a sudden you're a men, right? Because men like to ego, they had they like to control their employees, they like to control whatever themselves, their their surroundings. In my feminine, I can only control myself, right? And I'm I'm a goddess. So why would I care about anybody else? So, honey, I really, really would love help with the kids this week. Guess what I have going on?

unknown 1:05:59

I'm

SPEAKER_02 1:06:00

Going to uh Shirotara and I'm going out with the girls, and oh my God, I like I really would love to go to San Diego, visit my mom. You know, so now you're telling him what he needs to do. So instead of instead of like last minute saying, Oh, tonight I'm going out, you're gonna be with the kids. Yeah, no, you're giving him predictability, which men really appreciate predictability and saying, you know what, honey, I have so much going on. This I'm so excited. And when he sees how excited and feminine and adorable you are about it, he's going, Oh, what do you need me to do? Tell me, do you want me to drive you? Okay, let me drop you off, and then I'll take the kids to my mom's, and then we'll hang out there. And then when you go to San Diego, like I'll take you to the airport and I'll pick you up and we'll talk about it. Because now what you've given him is like the joy of life. You haven't sucked all that, like like you da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da.

SPEAKER_03 1:06:49

And also you're allowing him to give, right? So you're allowing him to give it away. Oh my god, exactly. And then to for you to receive it. Exactly. Yeah, I would love if you take me to the airport and I would love that, you know.

SPEAKER_02 1:06:59

Oh, I love that you said that. Such an empowered woman.

SPEAKER_03 1:07:02

I love that you said that. So I'm I'm just curious what has the feedback been for women? Um, based on, like, you know, because this is a controversial kind of topic because women are defensive about it. They're like, you know, I don't know if I like this. Um, so I'm curious to know what the feedback has been.

SPEAKER_02 1:07:21

You know, um women get very defensive, and I understand because I was in their shoes. I get it. I was a crazy feminist, like kind of progressive, and I believe that it's oppressive to be where I am today. Like I would look at women like me and go, oh my God, ew. That is so weird. She's she literally wants to submit submit to her husband, worship him. What a weirdo! Like, that's everything I I don't believe in, right? And I would I would get nauseous by women like myself. So I get it. If you're feeling nauseous, I understand. Uh however, what we don't understand in this modern world is that the more masculine and the more so if a man is masculine and then a woman is masculine, guess what? Two magnets repelling each other. But when there's polarity and you go towards the feminine side and the man is the masculine, all of a sudden the magnets are like wanting to be together, like they're like drawing to each other because a man is only attracted to a woman in her in her femininity, and a woman is only attracted to a when a man when he's in his masculine. And I know there's gonna be liberal and feminist and crazy progressive women going, My husband is a feminist, you're in a gay relationship. I'm not kidding. I'm not kidding. Because if a man allows you to emasculate him, he is becoming the woman, and you're becoming the man, and now there's no polarity. There's absolutely no polarity, and now it's like you're in a lesbian relationship. I'm not kidding. Because now there's two women. Because if the man doesn't put his foot down and tell you what to do, that's not sexy. That's not hot. That's that's uh repulsive to me. So are the women liking it? Are you saying? No, I'm saying the women are like the women are rejecting it because they think that it's oppressive. But I think it's so important to realize that not only is it not oppressive, it's incredibly empowering because now you get to sit down and relax. I'm telling you that your only job as a woman is to receive, receive, receive pleasure, compliments, gifts, attention, affection, vacation, vacations, whatever that may look like, you are supposed to receive. You're not supposed to work so hard. So if you have a job where you're working and it's not bringing you joy, your husband's responsibility is to help you quit this job and take the financial burden on himself. That's what I'm telling you. Doesn't that sound nice, actually? That sounds really nice. Okay, but women will still reject it because they're saying, but I want to work, I want to go out of the home and I don't want to hang out with my annoying kids. I don't I don't want to take care of them. I'd rather get a little babushka, you know, who will come to my house and take care of my kids. But that's okay. It doesn't mean that you have to stay home with the kids. It just means that you don't have to suffer at this job. And now you could do knitting, you could do Etsy, you could do eBay, you could go play tennis at the country club or wherever the JCC. It doesn't mean that you have to stay home with the kids. It just means that you don't have to work and suffer at your job because your husband has the responsibility as a man to protect and provide.

SPEAKER_03 1:10:48

Wow. Wow.

SPEAKER_02 1:10:49

So if you don't like this idea, you're not gonna like anything that I have to say. But this idea is so cool.

SPEAKER_03 1:10:55

Is this amazing? And I have to say, Irena, that this whole conversation just like blew me away. I was completely expecting something very different, right? This, like, you know, I like I don't know. I don't know what I was expecting, but I just think that this was like eye-opening for me specifically, and I'm sure for our our listeners and our viewers, it's gonna be really, really incredible. So can you tell, can you tell our viewers where they can find you? Um if they if they want to get in touch with you.

SPEAKER_02 1:11:26

I live on Jewel Avenue. No, um honestly, um my my podcast name right now, currently I'm I keep changing it because I'm I'm always ever evolving. Yeah. And I might even scratch this podcast like in two months and do something completely different. My goal, my goal is to become an inspirational, motivator speaker and and really wake women up, right? So how what just happened right now? I want to do that on stages and masses.

SPEAKER_03 1:11:53

Amazing.

SPEAKER_02 1:11:54

God willing, God willing that will happen. Um and until then, you can I'm really the most active on Instagram. My my handle is what your husband won't tell you.pod. So basically, it's it's it's it's going to be a great podcast. God willing made happen. I'm ever evolving. So you know you never know me. I'm like a I'm like a caterpillar. Always like Do you have a website or anything? I don't have a website. So just to DM you and people can DM me on Instagram. Don't be creepy. I get a lot of creepy comments messages. And don't be rude. You know, don't if you're a woman, don't say, you know, I disagree with you, you are pathetic, you're this and that. Listen, I get a I have very thick skin. You can tell me I'm the biggest idiot in the world. I say, why? Why do you feel that way? You know, I don't care. It's fine. So be nice and I will help you. Yeah. And and God willing, may we all merit, may we all merit to become empowered women, and may we all merit to have amazing marriages before Mashiach comes. We don't need to wait. We don't need to say to our husbands, yeah, when Mashiach comes, I'll like you again. Now, like him now. Yes.

SPEAKER_03 1:12:59

Amen. Thank you so, so much. This was amazing, amazing. Thank you. And if you would like to find me, you can find me at talk to tomorrow.com. Um, you can find me on Instagram at talk at talk to tomorrow with the number two. And I will see you guys later.