I Didn’t Recognize Myself Anymore: Escaping an Abusive Relationship & Starting Over with Shelby Armstrong

In this deeply personal episode of Talk2Tamara, Tamara sits down with Shelby Armstrong, a
former D1 athlete, fitness manager, and entrepreneur, for an honest conversation about
relationships, emotional abuse, resilience, and finding your way back to yourself.
Shelby opens up about the patterns that followed her through several serious relationships, from
feeling responsible for someone else’s happiness to confusing intensity with intimacy. She
shares the reality of her most recent relationship, where love bombing and feeling deeply cared
for slowly turned into walking on eggshells, sleepless nights, emotional manipulation, and
feeling like she had lost pieces of herself along the way.
She also shares the moment she realized she needed to leave, the people who helped her find
the strength and resources to do it, and what it took to rebuild her life on her own terms. Now on
the other side, Shelby reflects on learning that healthy love may not feel intense or chaotic at all.
Sometimes, it simply feels calm, safe, and easy.
This conversation is about more than leaving an unhealthy relationship. It’s about recognizing
patterns, trusting yourself again, allowing others to support you, and rediscovering the version of
yourself you thought you had lost. As Shelby puts it, she finally feels free to show up fully as
herself and wants a future with someone who allows her to keep doing exactly that.

Follow Tamara on Instagram @Talk2Tamara, subscribe on your favorite podcast platform for new episodes on relationships and personal growth. Watch new episodes on Youtube and visit my website for coaching and 1:1 support.

Transcript

SPEAKER_01 0:00

Honestly, right now I feel more authentically myself than I've been in a very long time. And I feel unafraid to be that. And I think a lot of relationships I've been in, I've been afraid to be that because um it wasn't how they painted me out to be. Right. Yeah. Even though it's how they met me. They dimmed my shine along the way. So, you know, and it sounds so cliche, but to say, like, oh yeah, they love my energy, and then they like sucked it from me, like because they wanted it, right? Um, so maybe I gave off that like, oh, I'm gonna make my life better because I'm just so much fun and I'm this and I'm that. Um, when actually, like, yeah, I'm the I actually the only one who's fun. And now none of us are fun. So thank you. I I do think now I think going through that, seeing what I was able to handle, how I was able to figure it out, you know, and make the decisions I had to make and finally turn the page and shut the door and not look back, I feel like I can be whoever I want. And I can, and I can show that, I can post it, I can, I can talk about it, I can show up like fully myself. And I want to find somebody that lets me do that forever.

SPEAKER_02 1:00

Today's guest is Shelby Armstrong, a manager and trainer at fit and owner of acrobatics and tumbling consulting company. Shelby is a former D1 athlete at the University of Oregon who spent a decade building coaching programs across the country. She moved states along with her dogs four separate times. Today, she's telling a different kind of story about her most recent relationship, what she's come to understand about borderline personality traits, and how she found her way back to herself. So thank you, Shelby, for coming here. Thank you for being here. Your first, your first podcast ever. Oh, first like official podcast. I know, I know. It's really, really exciting. All right. So let's dive right into it. I think I want to talk about the way that you and the relationships that you had with your with your parents.

SPEAKER_01 1:52

Yeah. Um, my parents love them to death. They're both amazing. Um, we uh you were athletes growing up. We had a lot of pressure, I think, to be good in our sports, which was great. I mean, now who I am is because of that. I don't, I don't think negatively of any of that. Um when I relate, I think most importantly to relationships that I have, romantic relationships. Um, I have never really, I never saw my parents say really love each other. I think there were moments growing up where maybe they did, but I don't know that it was truly authentic. Um, but there was a lot of chaos as a kid. There was a lot of fighting. There were times where um my parents were separated for periods of time. There were times where we just got in the car and left, um, you know, I'd have friends over, and there was, you know, screaming and fighting. So it was almost normal for me to feel a little bit of anxiety at home around um my parents handling conflict or arguing. It was always chaotic. It was always um, you know, screaming, fighting all of those things, which as a kid was like, I'm sure every household is like this. Um, and as I grew up, a lot are, but a lot aren't. So um, yeah, that's that's kind of what I saw of my parents. And my parents are divorced now and they are much happier, better people entirely without each other. So when did they get divorced? How did it work? When I was a it caught it took like three years, but probably when I was a junior or senior in college. So I was 21. Oh, so you were out of the house around? Yeah. So I was older. Um, but I mean, I had seen this relationship unfold since I was a kid. But when I started to really notice things, I was a little bit older, right? Like six or seven, like things were actually like affecting me.

SPEAKER_02 3:25

Yeah. And what was your first boyfriend like?

SPEAKER_01 3:28

My first serious boyfriend in college. Okay. I was 19 and he played baseball. And now I'm 19. I don't really know anything. And I don't know a lot, right? Like, I think I do, you know. I feel like sometimes I don't know anything still. Um, and he was addicted to painkillers. So he tells me that before we're like exclusively dating, I think, you know, we're just kind of like seeing each other, and I have no idea what that means. I'm like, like I? Like, what is that? Um, and he's like, no, like opioids. And I'm like, explain this to me like I'm five, you know. So my first, and this is funny as it transpires my other relationships. My my first feeling I got from him and the way he made me feel was that I helped him. Like me being in his life, I was, I gave him like happiness or hope, or, you know, whatever, like I could help him through, you know, this. So I'm 19 and I'm like, oh, this person needs me. Um, so I went through the probably the next two and a half years of a very traumatic experience because um he was still an addict and I was in the middle of it and I was affected. Um, there was a lot of things that kind of happened, you know, through that relationship that I was like, I'm way too young to I don't have the tools to deal with this. Um, and that affected me for a long time, you know, and when it ended, um it ended pretty badly. And, you know, his family was involved. A bunch of, a bunch of things I tried to help, and I actually, I don't know if I made things worse or better. I don't know. But at the end of the day, it was like I did that was not my story, right? But I initially thought I could help, right? Right. Um he made me feel like he needed me. So then I felt responsible for his happiness. Um and I stayed. And even when I would try to leave, when things would be really bad, where our fights would be bad, you know, there were times where he was like, I was on the ground and he had his fist in my in my face, right? I'm 20 years old because he's angry, he's high, you know, whatever it is, um, that I would try to leave and I would be pulled back in because he needed me, right? Um so then, you know, years later, I graduate college, I moved from state to state, I'm in West Virginia, and my next serious boyfriend, both of his parents had died in the last five years. I was just kind of like the sad guy, like kind of nerdy, whatever. And again, I think I found myself somewhere like somebody made me think they needed me for their happiness.

SPEAKER_02 5:51

Um why did you think that you needed to be needed?

SPEAKER_01 5:54

I don't know. I don't know that it was that. I don't, I don't know that I think I needed to be needed in order to be happy in a relationship. It was this um love-balming kind of situation in both of these instances that made me feel like they thought I was the like the bees' knees, like the best thing to walk the universe. And so I felt like I maybe it was a little sense of a need, but I don't I don't really feel that way. Like truly, yeah. It was more of like I felt responsible for the happiness, right? Like, so if I left, they would go downhill. And I think I started to I feel this connection of like I have to be here for them. And then I love them as well.

SPEAKER_02 6:31

So But it's interesting that from your first relationship where you felt like needed and then you realized that like this is not my story, you went into the same, the same exact pain.

SPEAKER_01 6:41

Yeah, yeah, yeah. The same exact pain.

SPEAKER_02 6:42

Yeah, to something else. And did that pattern, when did that pattern ultimately stop? I guess. Is it is it currently like your pattern now?

SPEAKER_01 6:52

Um hopefully not. But my most recent relationship, I I think there was a little bit of that. I think it shifted now again. Now we're going like 10 years later almost, right?

SPEAKER_02 7:02

Like what happened from though, from that second relationship to the most recent one?

SPEAKER_01 7:08

Um what's going on? Well, I will tell you the end of the second relationship, kind of important towards the end. So towards the end of it, it was really bad, really weird, really hard. I couldn't get anything from him. He was, you know, telling me he was depressed, all of these things ended up breaking up with me and telling me that I drove him into depression. Wow. It was really weird because I expected too much from him. Okay. And he would like to sleep till two. Yeah. I was like, I just want you to wake up like before noon. I don't know. Like do something with me. Um, but it turns out he had been cheating on me for a while with someone else and I didn't know, but I knew something. I knew something. So that's totally opposite of like why I was in that relationship, but that's how it ended, it ended very badly. It took me a long time to recover from that because first I was the enemy, and then I found these things out later. And um, I mean, it probably took me like two years to fully like not be upset and angry over that. Um, ended up marrying the girl. So, you know, whatever. At least it was love, I guess. What sure. And then a few years went by, I moved to North Carolina. I was building collegiate programs. I was there for about two years. I moved to Oregon, I was coaching there, and then I moved to New York. I was in New York about a year before I met my most recent um boyfriend. And what made you move to all these building collegiate accuracy and telling me programs. So basically a school would add the sport and I would move somewhere, I'd be there like three or four years. Some things would be stepping stones. Sometimes I will, you know, plan to kind of stay there a little bit longer. I'm also Sagittarius, so I like switch things up every now and then and kind of change things. So um, I don't know, moving was just like every three years. I'm like, new city, new state, you know, all by myself. And it was exciting for me.

SPEAKER_02 8:36

I never had the ever had the need to just like settle down and like put roots somewhere.

SPEAKER_01 8:42

Interesting to say that I do now. Okay. I actually love New York. Yeah. Um, I tried to leave and came back. So I do really like it here. Um, so yes, I do have that. I now I'm older, it's harder to walk away. The relationships I'm building now are actually a lot more meaningful than they were when I was younger and I was moving around. So saying goodbye to people is becoming a lot harder than it was before. Yeah. Um, and now all my friends live in every state. So it's really hard. People are like, oh, what do you do with your friends? I'm like, well, they're in Pittsburgh or they're in North Carolina or they're in Oregon. Like, you know, everybody's so far away. California, you know, everybody, our career is like just and also the friend group I've had has always been one that moves around. So now I'm like, all right, I want to stay. I really like New York. Obviously, my family's in Texas. Um, so the flight's not that bad. Right. Right? Move here. I like it. Um, but I was here about a year before I met my most recent boyfriend. And first of all, I didn't like him when I met him. Where did you meet him? I so I when I move to places, I'll go to like bars and restaurants by myself and I just make friends. Every friend I've ever made, I just like made friends with the bartenders. Everybody, you know, all my girlfriends live up in the North Shore. I met them here. Um it's a place called Bar Freetz. It's like, it's just incredible. I don't know if you've heard of it where is it? It's in It's in Rosalind. It's in Rosland. Yeah, it's in Roslyn. And I because I lived in Glen Cove. So I was there. Yeah. Um anyway, I met him there. I thought he was loud and obnoxious, and I didn't like him. Yeah. But I was always in for a good time, right? So we ran into each other a few months after I met him, and I was there by myself, and he was like with a bunch of his buddies, and they're like, hey, we're gonna go to the cellar bar, let's go. So I went out to the cellar bar. Um, and this is where things started to shift a little bit with him in that um he almost it felt like he was taking care of me, right? Like I was um, I didn't have to do anything. I was waiting on hand info, right? Not like I didn't pay a bill, fine, the bars low, but it felt like I was really like cared for in this, in this way. Um, and I felt protected. I felt like I could trust somebody as you know, things kind of progressed. So, anyways, we went on a few dates, you know, all the things, and things moved very quickly. Um, there was now, now when I'm rehashing it, it was there was a lot of love bonnet, there was a lot of texting all day long, like seeing me all the time, wanting to make plans with me, being very like initiative and showing initiative, wanting to see me, making me feel very important, buying me things, you know, all that. And it was like, wow. And I got to know him and I was like, wow, this guy's great. He's very charismatic. Um, you know, his friends are are are nice. And at the time I felt like they were nice. Um and I was like, I think I met his family very early on. Um, he brought me to different places, so I knew he wasn't like dating around, you know, we were going out in this smaller town. So I just felt very connected to him. It was very intense. It was very intense. Um now I realize I think I confused intensity with intimacy. Yes. And um actually truly like a healthy situation that I felt I felt like, oh, this is great. This is what it's gonna be forever.

SPEAKER_02 11:43

But it seems like all your relationships were intense. Yes. To them. Yes, yes. I ever had just like uh easy kind of like a fling or whatever kind of thing.

SPEAKER_01 11:55

Yes. And I felt like something was missing because it lacked that intensity or chaos a little bit, yeah. And we can kind of get into that with where I am now, but so yeah, that was it. Everything moved very quickly. We started dating, I don't know what I say, May. We moved in together in September, and I'd never lived with anybody. Never, I was always fully, I will always live alone. Nobody, I'm not gonna ever move in with somebody. Um, moved in with them in September. And then in I wouldn't say November is when I started to see like things started happening, weird things started happening. Um, we always, you know, went out socially. That's how we met. We went out to drink, we went out to eat, whatever. We were always out socializing. I'm a social drinker. I don't like drink at home. I don't need to come home and like have a glass of wine. I like to have a glass of wine with my friends when I'm out doing something, right? It's like the experience for me. Yeah. Um, that's when I realized that's not him. He actually comes home and he pours a drink and he drinks until it's bedtime. Um and then I started to see kind of different sides of him. So one, that was that was hard for me because of my lifestyle. And I was realizing, oh, you're drinking all night. Like, what's happening? We're not out at a bar. Um, and then I sort of started to notice when we would go out how many drinks he would have. And um if I would bring it up, it that's when I started to feel like I was on eggshells. Like I would bring things up that bothered me. And instead of having an adult conversation of like, let's talk about it. I'm sorry, you feel that way. You know, just like sit down and tell me what's bothering you. It was an immediate, like visceral reaction he would have like, you suck, you this, you'd like crazy. Yeah. And that I was like, what? So it's all a little bit of a blur kind of from there, like realizing that being in this situation, I think our first really big fight, my best friend was visiting for Thanksgiving. And um, we were driving home from a bar, and he, I don't know, he was making like a funny face or something. And I said, I was like, Why are you making that face? Like kind of a joke. And I, first of all, I had gotten a DUI uh 10 years ago, so long ago. Okay, like when I lived in North Carolina, and it's gone and done. But anyways, he knew about it. Yeah. Not a lot of people knew about it. I don't really care now, but you know, and he was like, Well, at least I don't have a DUI. And I'm like, and this is in front of my best friend, and this is still early on when we're living together. And I'm like, this is really weird. These are weird reactions to like molehills, right? So becoming mountains. So then it's a big long fight. My best friend's there, we're screaming all night long, right? He's screaming at me, drinking when we get back home, you know, all those things. So then that's where it started to happen that every time we got in a fight, he would be drinking, drinking all night long, and I would be screamed at until 4 a.m., 5 a.m. 6 a.m. in the morning. And I have to wake up at four in the morning. I have to go to work. I have to I work in fitness, you know, and I was doing full-time equinox eventually. So this happened for a few months, and then the next May, I tried to move out. Um, my mom was gonna fly up, I was gonna move out, I was gonna have to live in the same building because I needed to stay in the area, but um, I was seconds away from signing a lease, and then I ended up losing my full-time job.

SPEAKER_02 14:59

Wow.

SPEAKER_01 14:59

So I was an equinox kind of part-time, right? I full-time job I was coaching.

SPEAKER_02 15:02

Why did it take you that long to decide that you want to move out?

SPEAKER_01 15:06

Like, why not after the first screaming match or I think I uh convinced myself that well, here we'll backtrack the next day after a screaming fight, he would just call me and be like, How's your day? And I'm like, What? Would you just you just want to snap back from that? And he's like, it was just a fight, like, you know, I didn't mean it. I mean, and he would say awful things. He would call me a whore, he would uh talk about my family, my friends, like just random stuff that had nothing to do with the actual issues at hand. And I felt uh helpless a lot of times. And then the next day, I was made to feel like, well, I only did that because you did this. I only said that because you said this, or you made me feel this way. And at the at some point he would pretty much convince me of something he'd convinced himself, like I had done this big hurt to him. I'd done something that really hurt him, but I didn't know what it was. He actually just convinced himself that I did something that hurt him and then blamed me, right? So, and I'd be like, What did I do? Like, can you sit here and put into words why you're so angry at me? And he never could. He'd be like, You don't even deserve that. Like, you know, like it would just always be this crazy, like we could never just have a conversation. Have a conversation. And I would, I started to become somebody I wasn't. I started to fight back. But it would be six, seven hours of just harassment. And my neighbors would hear it. I had people who would see me in the hall and be like, get out of there. That guy, like, I had a girl who lived across from us who had dated somebody like that. And she was like, and she was seeing me at the poll and she was like, It's all very familiar for me. It's actually traumatizing for me to hear this. She's like, I can hear him. And she's like, and I can hear him backing you into a corner until four in the morning. And then you finally snap and I'll finally say something that's so mean. Cause I'm not, I'm not like that. I'm not a mean person. I don't want to say things to hurt people in an argument. It's not worth it. And that's the first thing he would do is just attack who I am and my character and make things up as well. Um, and for me, I'm just like, okay, I'll take it, I'll take it, I'll take it. And then I'll finally just say the one thing that I know is gonna make him be quiet. And then for three weeks, all this was about was what I said. Right?

SPEAKER_02 17:14

Would you start believing that what he's saying is like true?

SPEAKER_01 17:18

It almost was easier to keep the temperature down to do that. Because otherwise we would fight every day, all day. I wouldn't sleep. Um when I was gonna move out. Yes, it did take a long time, I think, because the next days he would be very nice, buy me things, we go to dinner, it'd be normal, you know, whatever. Um, and he would kind of convince me that like I love you know, I love you. Like, I just feel I just get I get so angry when I feel this, when I feel this. And this is also all new to me. This is the most intense relationship I think I'd ever been in. So I'm trying to navigate it. We had just moved in together, we're on a lease together. Was gonna move out, and then I lost my job, and then I couldn't afford to. So he paid everything. I paid my own personal bills, but he paid for everything. Um and I couldn't afford to leave. And then I lost my job. And then I went full time at Equinox. And that's when I started having like panic attacks. I would knew I would come home. Like if I went to dinner with a friend, a girlfriend, I knew I would come home and there would be whiskey on the counter, he's already drinking, he's already angry, and he would immediately be like, How was your dinner? And I knew this was about to be a fight until five in the morning. He was gonna say crazy things. There were times that I locked myself in the closet and my dogs were in there with me, and my dog, one of my dogs, hated him. And I can explain why I know that it was him and it was not her just her personality because she is a shelter dog. But he would, she would lay where he would sleep, and when he would come around and go to bed, she would just bark and growl, like ready to buy. Crazy. Now, isn't it crazy that dogs? It's crazy. And I used to think it was her because she was a shelter dog, she's a resource garter. But somebody I'm seeing now, same situation, calmly gets up and moves, you know? So I'm like, okay, this is she knew, and she would be in the closet with me, like shaking, like standing, like looking, and I'd be locked in the closet. And there were times, let's see, may I lost my job, you know, fights kept happening, crazy. One time I walked a mile home from a bar that we were at, I just like got up and left in heels. All right. Women can do a lot of things. I get the likes for it. Yeah. Um, and you know, my mom knew a lot of this. I would call my mom and tell her, and and my parents, oh my gosh, my mom, like she's in Texas and this is happening. She's my best friend in the world. And she knew a lot of stuff. Um, but she couldn't help me get out at the moment either, right? So I remember I was sitting in the closet, and this is when it finally clicked for me. I was sitting in the closet, and um, I was crying. It was four in the morning. I had to wake up in two hours and teach. I was panicking. Like, how did I get here? How do I get out of this? And this has been months and months and months of this. And I I actually had the thought getting out of this would be easier if I wasn't alive. Like that was a thought. It's the first time I had that thought. And that's when the next morning I taught my class, I called my mom and I was like, I have to come home. I have to, I have to leave this apartment. I'm leaving everything here. I'm coming to Texas. I called my manager um at the time and I told her she knew a little bit because I'd vented but didn't know for real. And I'm just crying, and I'm like, I need to go to Texas. She was like, say less. But transferred me to the gyms in Texas to go for Equinoxia. And I was working full time there, packed my car, packed my dogs, put stuff in storage unit, left all my furniture, everything on an apartment was mine, drove to Texas. And um did you tell him that you're leaving? Yeah. But here's the thing it wasn't worth a fight to tell him I was leaving because of him. Because he didn't have the capacity to understand that. And the reason I even went to Texas, I'll kind of backtrack. I was at Equinox and I was obviously hadn't slept. And I taught a class and um one of my members, she's um a thexer or something, and she was like, Are you okay? And I'm like, It's kind of like when I come to you. Like, everything good? And I'm like, I'm like, tomorrow, don't tell me, don't I'm gonna cry. Um, and she's like, Are you okay? And I'm like, I'm just having some issues with my boyfriend at home and whatever. And this is probably a week or two before I'm in Texas. And I explained stuff to her, and she was like, I'm not gonna diagnose anybody right now, but I have a lot of patients. What you're dealing with from what you're experiencing sounds like borderline personality disorder. He's gonna ruin your life. You need to leave. And she said that, and she's like, I'm gonna give you this book and I want you to read it. So um actually, when I drove to Texas, I had the audio version of the book. It was called walking on eggshells. Um, I'd had it a little bit, I kept it with me, but I didn't have time to like sit and read it. Obviously, I'm being screamed at every night. Yeah. Um, and I uh I ended up listening to the audio version on my way to Texas, and it was there's two kind of types, and I had to learn about it. And his was the kind that he's still a functioning regular human being. You know, he works hard, he owns a business, you know, he has friends, families, charismatic, all the things. There's other people who actually go deeper into depression and kind of can't so socialize in things. Again, I don't know a whole lot, but to my experience, I was dealing with the other kind, and it was. To a T. Like everything I was reading was exactly what I was experiencing. When he would feel any amount of abandonment, right? If I played volleyball, right? I knew I would come home and fight. If I went out with the girlfriends and he wasn't there, I would come home and it would be a screaming fight. If I didn't want to be intimate, he immediately would get up and tell me how much I suck and call me a whore. He would start talking about guys I had dated in my past, um, things I had told him in in trust of like stories about me and and my life that he would use instead of just, hey, I'm I'm tired. I wake up at four in the morning, you know, whatever it was. To then, you know, at the point that I now I have to, I don't want to be intimate with you at all because now I've seen this side of you. So it's not even about me being tired. It's that you're not who I thought you were, and I can't force myself to do this. There would be times that I had to force myself to do it so that I could sleep. And and I couldn't escape it, right? My only option was I gotta go to Texas. So I go to Texas and we still kind of stay connected. And it's so funny because I'm always like, how do women who are in these like abusive relationships, even if it's just emotionally, stay connected?

SPEAKER_02 23:07

But you did you said that you didn't tell him that you were leaving because of him. What did you say?

SPEAKER_01 23:11

I was I was like, I miss my family, you know, I'm I'm trying to figure out what I want to do with my job, and I haven't been home in years. I had it. I had not been back to Texas other than visiting full time since I was 18.

SPEAKER_02 23:21

And he was okay with that, or he gave you a hard time?

SPEAKER_01 23:24

He gave me a hard time. Um, and ultimately I went anyways, and I was like, I don't know, just be a few weeks, be a few weeks. I ended up being there three or four months. Um I wanted to come back to New York, but I wanted to come back to New York with one a full-time job, not just teaching fitness classes, um, or a way to support myself. Yeah. Um, or I was gonna stay in Texas. Yeah. And I had left everything at the apartment. All the furniture was mine, everything was fine. Um and I was fully everything. I was fully committed to just leaving it there. I don't need it, I don't want it. It's actually still there. Talk about that. And what uh actually got me to leave. But yeah, I went to Texas and then, you know, I was offered the job at Fit and I wanted to get, I had been applying for management positions off and on. So I knew, okay, this is my dream, like to manage. I love managing people and developing, like I love just like our members and just seeing them get strong, like all of that stuff, like with people and the development piece of everything, and then systems was like my bread and butter for the coaching and you know, building collegiate programs. So um, I accepted the position. I was gonna come back to New York. Obviously, I had the apartment. I had him at the apartment, all the furniture at the apartment. I knew I could go back there. Things had big fine when I was in Texas because we weren't together.

SPEAKER_02 24:33

Was he like, where are you? Are you coming back? Was he kind of like attacking me?

SPEAKER_01 24:38

Just come back, just come back. Very chill, cool, normal. The person I experienced in the beginning. Yeah, it was that. So I was like, okay, maybe he gets it, maybe he understands, maybe I can go back and it can be different. And he would say, I know what I did wrong, like we can, you know, try this again, you know, whatever. I'm like, okay, I go back to the apartment. Now I could support myself, but I'm gonna go back and say at least I gave it that chance, but I can leave the next day if I need to. I'll figure it out. Tomorrow, I've never spent so much money on hotels in my life. Um, I knew that you know it did it, it was quickly back to the what it was. But how long? I'm curious. Three weeks. Wow, maybe but worse. It was much worse this time. I was angrier this time um because he forced me out. I I mean I had to go. Um and I I mean, I would come home, I would go play volleyball or something, or I'd be out with a friend, whatever. I would come home and I knew he was drunk and I would not even speak. I would book a room at the Red Roof Inn. I would pack my dogs, I wouldn't say a word, and I would leave. And I did that.

SPEAKER_02 25:52

You kept going back and forth?

SPEAKER_01 25:54

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 25:55

Why didn't you just move out and get a new apartment?

SPEAKER_01 25:57

Well, I wouldn't need to a deposit, I need to find one to get approved for one. So I just I was working on that in the time um where I wanted to be. I wanted to be closer to the studio. I had my dogs, you know, I needed everything to be lined up. I needed everything to be lined up perfectly so that I could just walk out and shut the door and not have any lingering kind of, you know, things I needed to do.

SPEAKER_02 26:13

Um Were you surprised at yourself for going back after you experienced that closet moment where you're like, I want to commit suicide, it's better than this. Um, and then you still kind of got manipulated back to going to this abuser.

SPEAKER_01 26:27

Good question. So I knew going back, it wouldn't last. And I I had a different, I think I had a different kind of heart about it. Um, I wasn't trying to make it work. I was trying to get back, get on my feet, and get out. If it ended up being better and great this time, okay. In the back of my mind, I knew it wouldn't, but at least I could say, well, I tried it again.

SPEAKER_00 26:53

Right.

SPEAKER_01 26:53

Like I tried it again, but this time I felt a little stronger in like my stance of it to where now if you're pissing me off, I'm just gonna go to a hotel, right? So I had actually had an apartment lined up for a few months before I actually was able to move out. Yeah. Um, and he didn't know. So I was having furniture delivered to the studio. So the boxes. Yes, my couches, my bed, my mattress. So there was a night that I was on my way home, the first snowstorm, and I my car I crashed my car. And he had a car, he had a work truck, and then he had a car. And he's like, just use my car, just use my car. No, he doesn't know I'm moving out. Just use my car. My car is we take it to like his buddies to fix it. It's gonna be a few weeks, few weeks. It turns into way longer than that, all right. But the fights didn't end, and now I had his car. And I had to get to work, had to drive to Cedarhurst from Glen Cove. He he had a work, he had a work van. So his car pretty much sat in the bar. Okay. There were nights that we had these crazy fights and he would be drunk, and I would wake up. I mean, I had headphones in. I would wear headphones and he would come and pull them off my ear and just be screaming at me. Um he there were nights that I woke up at like 5 a.m. to go to leave to go to the studio, and I would go out to his car and he's in his car drinking and smoking cigarettes in the car. And I'm like, I have to go. Like, I need the keys, I need your car. And he's like, draw, he's like, right now, like crazy. One time he the la very last time uh that I drove his car, he took the keys that were in like my our bedroom, took the keys and he threw them at five in the morning. And he said, get on your knees and beg. And I it took so much in me to not take my right arm and just because you can. You have the strength. I know. And and he and he kept giving, he started giving me crazy insults. He would talk about here, he would talk about the studio, he would talk about, oh, go to Jew town, like crazy. Like and he started calling me a Jew one night. He'd be like, You're a Jew, you're a Jew. And I'm like, is that an insult? Is it a slur? Like, what is happening here? His mind would just turn, he would see red, and he would say insane things. And his defense would be like the next day or days after, he would be like, Well, you know that's not true. Like he would told me I was the fattest girl he's ever been with. And like, I just I have a pretty big ego. Like, I just know, I know that isn't true. Like, nobody's gonna call me fat and be like, Am I? Like, no, you know what you are. I pay more attention to it than you do, I promise. All right. And so I'm just like, okay, just like objectively, I know that isn't true. Yeah. So he would convince himself that he could say these things because they weren't true. So they weren't gonna hurt me.

unknown 29:31

Right.

SPEAKER_01 29:31

Right. So he'd be like, Well, you know it isn't true. It doesn't matter. Your intention was to upset me. And then you would tell me that you love me. Like, that isn't love. That's it's the opposite. In the end of the day, like he would do anything for me, which was what also was hard to square. And I knew that. I knew that he would. He would do anything for me. Even if we're in a fight and I crashed my car, he was there immediately. Right. So that also made it really hard to walk away, like, because I did still have this um sense of comfort of I'm taken care of by this person who is also calling me a loser.

unknown 30:05

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 30:06

Right.

unknown 30:06

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 30:06

Um, so it was really hard for me to, and I think that's why also it kind of took so long. Yeah. Um, so, anyways, I called you Kara and I was like, are some like voice note or something? And I'm like telling her what happened, and I'm driving her his car. And she's like, We have a car in America. It's at my mom's. Go take it. So I taught my class. I was always wondering. So I taught it was amazing that she did that because I've only met her what, maybe twice at that point. She's in Israel. You know, I'm just I'm managing her studio and I'm like, hey, also I have this chaotic situation at home. Like, I tried very hard to keep it separate, but like I'm I'm struggling. I'm struggling. And I was like, I move out in a month and I just need, and she's like, sleep at the studio. I wish I had a place for you. Like she was trying to find places for me to sleep with the dogs. It was really hard with the dogs. Yeah. And I wasn't gonna leave them. So um, and in this time, I would see friends in Glenn Cove out and they'd be like, You look really skinny. You look really and people had also heard stories because they had seen us out in arguments or something. So people were like, get out, you need to get out, you need to get out. So I had all these people who knew him and knew me and are like, when are you leaving? Like, how do we pick you up? And I'm like, I know I I took a second. I had to have it all laid out. Um, and I had to be smart about it too. You know, I didn't want to move out and have like negative money in my bank account, right? Like now I'm going from not paying any bills to paying all of my own bills very quickly. Um, so I had to prepare for that. And anyway, ZK's like, take my car, do you use it as long as you need? Um, so I did. I I I went, drove back home, Ubered to her, Ubered to Cedarhurst, to her parents' house, got the car, drove it back, and I had it. And he's like, You didn't need to do that. And I'm like, you took the keys and threw them across the room and told me to get on my knees and bag for them. And he'd be like, Oh, you know that was just an argument. And so at that, like, I know that isn't true, but I'm so helpless, I can't like fighting it is even worth it. Like to to what? Tell him that that's not actually how it how it works. That's not how people fight, that's not how it is. Um so yeah, that was it. And then I drove her car. My car ended up taking a really long time to be ready. I ended up moving out before my car was ready. So Yakira's car had my stuff in it, and I'm moving out. My mom flew up. We finally did it. My mom flew up. And um, I left. Uh I slept in hotels off and on. Oh, yeah. I probably four nights a week. I was like, Oh. Yeah. So all this money I'm saving to move out, I'm spending on hotel rooms, right? Um and my, you know, my friends are calling me every day. They're like afraid. They think he's gonna kill me. They're like watching all these murderous shows about like crazy ex-boyfriends, husbands, and they're like, no, he's gonna kill you. Like, he's does he know where you are? Can he find your location? Um, he would be blocked off and on, but also we still had the apartment. So I'd have to we'd have to communicate sometimes. And um I my mom came, blew up, we packed everything ourselves. We hired movers to unpack it, but I ordered all new furniture. I furnished a brand new apartment, moved to a little studio in Long Beach. Um, and that was it. That that was it. There's been a little bit of communication since then of him trying to, he, you know, wants to go to dinner and get closure, whatever, but he's been blocked for months now.

SPEAKER_02 33:17

Have you ever seen him or run into him? Yes, actually.

SPEAKER_01 33:20

A few weeks ago, I was out, I'm not sure, with some of my girlfriends, and um he walked in with one of his friends, and that's the first time I'd seen him since I had blocked him. Yeah. Um and what did your body do? On top of all of this, the last time I blocked him is because I woke up at 5 a.m. to like 150 messages. And if I showed you these messages, it is not normal the what he's saying, how he's saying it, just spewing crazy nonsense. Um and after you left. Yes. But this also happened when we were together. He would be like, he would leave in a fight and go sit in his car and drink and smoke and blow up my phone. I would be he would be blocked at times that we were sleeping in the same and it was so crazy for so long. Time went by so fast, honestly, it feels like now, like the towards the end. Um, everything kind of runs together. But I had a notes app with my friend, my best friend, a shared notes app. And every time there was an argument, he would say things. The next day he would try to say he didn't say them. I recorded a lot of stuff. Yeah. Um smart. Uh I have so many videos. He I would write down the things he would say. So the next day I could just read them to him and be like, You said this. He'd be like, No, I didn't say that. I didn't like no, yes, you did. My friend Brandy would see it. So every morning she'd wake up, she'd be like, There's activity on notes out. Oh no. And she would call me. Right? Like, but for me, it was also accountability of like, uh do not let me stay in this situation any longer. Like, I need everybody to know who he really is.

SPEAKER_02 34:45

Um did you feel crazy at times, like maybe just crazy?

SPEAKER_01 34:49

Yes. I would be like, did he say it? Right. Because how can you fully say those things? Like the most hurtful things ever. Like he was like, one time he was like, Your parents are failures, look at you. First of all, I think you're doing pretty damn good. My my mom is an incredible mom. My dad's amazing. Like, I've moved around the country by myself. I'm pretty independent until now. The one time I've ever relied on somebody, this is how this is what's happening to me. Um, you know, and then he would say that. He would use that. He'd be like, You can't afford to leave. You don't even buy dinner, you don't even this, you like that fine, true. That'll give you that. Yeah, you're right. But I will.

unknown 35:28

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 35:28

Um, and of course I have people in my corner. I have friends, I have family. Like, I was never gonna be super stuck, but I also didn't want to rely on anybody. I wanted to to to figure it out. Um so yeah, he's been blocked. I have seen him, I did see him. He walked in, and my friend is like, he's here.

unknown 35:44

He's here.

SPEAKER_01 35:44

And I my heart just starts because here's a couple things happening. I'm with my friend, or there's a guy that we're friends with that's with us. There's a guy I used to date across the bar that I'm friends with, right? And then he walks in. And he walks in with also a friend that's a I think is a little crazy. And I'm like, I don't even know how this night's about to go. This is about to because he was always unhinged when he felt like something was being taken from him or he felt disrespected. It was like immediate and um crazy reactions, right? Like just black and white, all good or all bad. And he comes up to us, he like does a little, you know, Italian thing, kisses everybody on the cheek, kisses me on the head, says, Hey, and then just walks away. And then kind of stares at me all night, but nothing happened. Um, and I was probably only there another like 30 minutes, you know, from that point. But I have to go. Yeah, I think he ended up leaving first, which was actually shocking. Okay. Um, no issues, no, you know, and that was it. And I haven't talked or seen him. But we have people who we're friends with, you meet some friends who also live still live in our apartment building and will like tell me that he tells people that he talked to me recently, or he just talked to me the other day, or you know, we stay in contact, or even people at Bar Freet's and I go there, they tell me that. And I'm like, it's like is I don't know what it is that's happening in his brain that he's just not either admitting or doesn't believe it. I think he truly doesn't believe that there was a problem. But he doesn't realize it. Yes. Right. And I was gonna drive myself crazy trying to get him to realize it, right? Like I was gonna fight till the end to try to get him to realize it.

SPEAKER_02 37:22

And I think maybe the theme is through all your relationships is that you can't make somebody help themselves if they if they don't want to help themselves. Yeah, right. But you tried. You were like, I'm gonna, I'm gonna try to save this guy from depression, I'm gonna try to save this guy from an overdose, you know, but and him from whatever it is, his alcoholism, whatever it is that's going on for him. But you can't. No.

SPEAKER_01 37:45

Um and so yeah, that's it. Now I'm I'm at Long Beach. I'm I sleep the first night that I got to just sleep without a man screaming at me. That's sleep of my life moves. It's like, you know, so low. So low. And my dogs, they're so chill. I've made so many friends already. I'm very social person, and that's a thing too. And and here's another piece of a lot of the guys I've dated, all three of them, these are like my most serious, right? They fell for me because of my I'm social. I make friends easily. I can be in any room and mold with it. I can um almost like my friends used to call me showpony. Like I would just I I just any room I'm in, I'm having a great time. And I'm making sure everybody's having a great time. And that's what they loved about me. And it ended up being the things that they tried to change about me, right? That now they don't like that I'm this. They don't like that I'm social, they don't like I have all these friends, they don't like I have all these hobbies. Um, you know, like with him most recently, if I would wake up early and go to the gym to work out, because that's what I like to do, but I didn't want to stay out late with him, he would say I was choosing the gym over quality time with him, right?

SPEAKER_00 38:57

Right.

SPEAKER_01 38:58

Um, he's like, oh, but you can wake up early and go take so-and-so's class, but you can't you can't spend time with me. Well, first of all, you screamed at me till six a.m. then I you're like, I'm not sure that I want to spend time. Calling me a loser. Yeah. So what do you know? If I don't go to the gym, somebody might die here. Like I have to. Um, and also I have to get out of here. I have to stay gone. I used to stay at the studio till like 7 p.m. when I would before I'd have to go back home because I'm like, why would so I'd be there from like 6 a.m. to like 7 p.m. or how many? Like I was like not eating.

SPEAKER_02 39:30

So do you feel like a shell of yourself? Like, did you lose all those like passions and hobbies and and everything?

SPEAKER_01 39:36

But I hid them because it wasn't worth it. It wasn't worth the fights, it wasn't worth arguments.

SPEAKER_02 39:40

Um like if you wanted to go to a concert or if you wanted to do anything that like He better be able to that didn't involve him, let's say he he freak out.

SPEAKER_01 39:52

Like for him, it was because I didn't want to I couldn't fight. I couldn't not sleep, I couldn't lose any sleep. So I I pretty much faked for months most times when I could keeping the peace. There's times I snapped and couldn't, right? But I because I knew I wouldn't sleep.

SPEAKER_02 40:08

So how did he not go batch it crazy and like find you and kill you? Like a person like that seems like he wanted to maintain control and he wanted to have you there. And so you just leaving him completely bruised his whole ego and sense of self.

SPEAKER_01 40:23

I don't know. I don't think he's the kind I I it sounds like it. What I know of him, I don't he's more of just like really hurtful with words and would try to just try to bring me down. Yeah, but he wouldn't necessarily hunt me down.

SPEAKER_02 40:36

Okay. Um like physically, he never touched you, never hurt you. No, like all verbal.

SPEAKER_01 40:41

And I know he sees my social media, like whatever fake accounts as far as who knows. And um I would randomly get like an email, like him talking about the pictures I'm posting, like posted thirst traps on the internet, like whatever. And I'm like, block. So fine. But he would, you know, one time I posted, I posted I was using this tanning lotion, yeah, um self-tanner in the inter and I posted my legs like the before and after. Just my legs. I mean, I've seen like any just my legs, right? And he sees it, and we're laying in bed and and and I'm like falling asleep, and he's like wanting to, you know, hang out. And he's like, What is this? This is porn. Like and he said that for days.

SPEAKER_02 41:24

Wow. Like what did you answer to that?

SPEAKER_01 41:27

I I would get angry. I would be like, No, I'm not. So then the fights would happen, right? So then the fight became not even about what I posed on the internet, and it was never actually what about what I posed on the internet. It was that he felt like I didn't want him. And now I'm bad, attacking me, my character, my person, anything he could to hurt me.

unknown 41:43

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 41:44

So how do you go from your three serious relationships that are chaotic? Notice the signs of what you're going into and find someone else and like still believe that like there is a person for you out there.

SPEAKER_01 41:57

Um it's funny. Now it's it's I still work on it, but it's something being calm and like regular and like not intense, not constant communication, not love bombing, whatever, felt like at first like a like disinterest. Like felt like oh, it doesn't really like me, or you know, whatever. And I still don't honestly know the real balance. Um, but and I read something yesterday that was like, don't like fumble a situation because you're used to chaos and this is actually just normal.

SPEAKER_02 42:32

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 42:32

Right.

SPEAKER_02 42:33

Just but do you even know what normal looks like? Because even your childhood parents, yeah. You know now.

SPEAKER_01 42:39

Um yeah, I don't I I I feel it. I'll tell you this. Like, you know, like someone I'm seeing right now, when I'm around them, when I be around any of these other people, okay, I would always feel something boiling up, like either anger or anx anxiety or like something was gonna go wrong, something was something now. Okay. Now I feel calm calm. I feel like it's just like water, like just I don't have to think, I don't have to nothing. It it's very easy. And so everybody thinks, oh, you're supposed to have butterflies and excitement and all this and all that. I don't think so. I think it's yes, it's exciting because like you like somebody, but I think actually when you find somebody that you really are good with, it's calm. Yeah, it's easy, it's there's no, you know, real pressure. It's like everything just kind of happens the way it's it that it's supposed to. And I don't know, you know, and and and again, I might change my mind about that three months.

SPEAKER_02 43:43

Well, maybe it goes with your sign, is that also, you know, that you need excitement, you need to move around, you need to right, you need to like have that fire. So the boring and the calmness is maybe good for you right now because you went from such a chaotic. I don't know if it will be like long term. Fever.

SPEAKER_01 43:58

Maybe there's a common ground to me if Maybe maybe not. Um but also with all three of these relationships, things progress very quickly. Very quickly. And now it's like I'm moving very very slow. Yeah. And at first I was like, this is weird. This is weird. And and then I had to step back and I'm like, no, this is normal because here's what happened. I moved very quickly. I didn't see all of these sides of these people until I had already I was into these commitments. Right. I didn't see the drinking. I didn't see the anger. I didn't see you know the the harsh words. So what's the rush? Like get to know some get to know them and see them in every possible scenario before you're like, this is my person. Right. Um, and so I'm I I'm fine with it. I'm like, maybe I'm finally like, okay, you can sit down and just let it be.

SPEAKER_02 44:56

But did these experiences kind of not break you? Like you would think it did. How did it how did you recover from it?

SPEAKER_01 45:03

Um, I I don't know, honestly, because I think the second one was a lot harder actually than this past one. But I think because there was more turmoil turmoil towards the end, um, the second one just kind of like fizzled out and I was just fighting for my life trying to make a relationship work. Whereas this one was like, I was just fighting for your life. Your actual life. So I couldn't wait to leave. I I s I fell out of love long before I walked out the door.

unknown 45:31

Right.

SPEAKER_01 45:32

Right. So I was already like, I not not necessarily like, oh, I need to find a boyfriend, and I'm still not really feeling that way. Like, you know, whatever happens, it happens. But I I knew for a long time this wasn't right and this wasn't correct and this wasn't healthy and this wasn't safe. Yeah. Instead of just being ripped away.

SPEAKER_02 45:52

Meaning the other two you were in love with.

SPEAKER_01 45:54

Yeah. And I was like, I was like, why is this not working? Why is it not in this one? I was like, I will do anything. I will sleep on the pavement outside to get out of this right now. Right. Um, so I think that that that's it. But that it took me a long time to get into a serious relationship after the second one. I will say that. It took me a long time. I didn't trust a lot of anything. Yeah. I also didn't trust myself because I felt like I had I wool was pulled over my eyes for so long. There were a lot of things I found out about that were happening the whole relationship that I had no idea, right? I was a little bit younger, but now it's not about that. I'm not really worried about the trust piece as much as just can you just give me peace? Like can we just can this just be peaceful? Um, can we learn? Can I have a healthy conversation? Can we resolve conflict in a normal way? Um and also like forward thinking like, do I want a family? Do I want kids? You know, those those are still question marks for me. It's never been goals of mine. I've I've probably said this, you know, I love kids and my friends have kids. And um, if I meet somebody and I want that, yes. But the way I was raised too was like, live your life first. Those things will happen. Don't put benchmarks on your life based on those things because you don't have to do it. Um and my mom's like, and I don't care to be a grandmother or not, you know? Like, there's no pressure. There's not the opposite of the Jewish culture.

SPEAKER_02 47:14

Exactly.

SPEAKER_01 47:14

Exactly. So when I hear a bunch of stories, I'm like, sounds like a scary movie. And me, I'm just like peddling my all the time. Um, you know, so so but when I think, okay, if if I meet somebody, if I'm dating somebody, would I want them to be a father to my children?

unknown 47:28

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 47:28

It doesn't matter if I want to have children or not. Would they be a good fit for that? Yeah. Are there things about them that along the road I'm gonna resent? Right. But they say when you marry somebody, it's like times 100, like whatever you don't like, like just multiply it. You know, so now I feel like I can I can sit back and take the time because I mean, everybody's getting divorced now, right? Like you've got people who got married young, and then all the things like people have kids, people don't, like there's so many people that are in different stages of life. And um I think everybody's kind of had their own experiences up to this point. Yeah. Like when I meet people, and I've also never had a problem meeting people in the wild, as you could probably guess. Like I've never used a dating app, really. Like, or if I have, I've never met anybody like worth anything. Yeah. Like I just meet people in my life and fitness and and and whatever, like out. Um and I really want, I just want like a peaceful, yeah, yeah, like partnership.

SPEAKER_02 48:21

But does it become like this thing that you kind of diagnose every guy that you're like, oh, maybe they're a narcissist, maybe they have borderline personality disorder. Like all these, like, do you know, like when something happens, you're like starting to see the red flags of like every guy?

SPEAKER_01 48:37

I haven't, I haven't, okay, I haven't been too deep into anything with anyone since my last one to have that opportunity other than like the guy I'm seeing now. And I don't see any of that. You know?

SPEAKER_02 48:51

You're not like, oh, it's opposite. He said something.

SPEAKER_01 48:53

Like no, it's the opposite of all of that, which is also through me for a whirl. I'm like, wait, there's no like turmoil. Are you okay? Like, this is boring. Yeah, which to to to my credit, like, because I was used to everything being so like I don't know, in flames. Yeah. Um, even in the in the good way, right?

SPEAKER_02 49:15

Um is this the first time in your life that you feel settled? Yes. Yes. What do you think attributes to that? I don't know. Age. I'm just getting clotox movies.

SPEAKER_01 49:29

Not that old. Um, I don't know. I feel honestly right now, I feel more authentically myself than I've been in a very long time. And I feel unafraid to be that. And I think a lot of relationships I've been in, I've been afraid to be that because um it wasn't how they painted me out to be. Right. Yeah. Even though it's how they met me. It like dimmed they dimmed my shine along the way. Um, so you know, and and it sounds so cliche, but to say like, oh yeah, they love my energy and then they like sucked it from me, like because they wanted it. Right. Um, so maybe I gave off that like, oh, I'm gonna make my life better because I'm just so much fun and I'm this and I'm that. Um actually like, yeah, I'm the actually the only one who's fun. And now none of us are fun. So thank you. Um I I do think now I I I I think going through that, seeing what I was able to handle, how I was able to figure it out, you know, and make the decisions I had to make, um, and finally turn the page and shut the door and not look back, I feel like I can be whoever I want. And I can and I can show that, I can post it, I can I can talk about it, I can show up like fully myself. And I want to find somebody that lets me do that forever.

unknown 50:44

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 50:44

Right? I and I don't ever want to feel like I have to keep somebody from that because I've let a lot of people take that.

SPEAKER_02 50:51

Yeah. I just want to kind of um digress for a second. So you've moved a lot, like we've talked about that. What has like each move, I guess, taught you about restarting and like the next chapter in your life?

SPEAKER_01 51:04

Um I love going to a new place and not knowing a single person. Most people would like crawl into a shell. For me, it's exciting that no one in this room knows who I am, where I've been, what I'm doing. Like I could totally invent a personality if I wanted, right? Like, but I love I loved moving to a new place, uh getting a new apartment, having a new view, meeting new people, making new friends, right? I and I make friends very quickly everywhere that I went. What it's taught me I it's taught me to be very independent. Yeah. Um, but it's I'm very resourceful. I'm able to figure things out. I'm able to figure things out more than most friends and people my age, like just from the experiences I've had. Now, again, I went to college in Oregon and my family was in Texas. So when I was 18, I moved away from home. And my thing was all my friends were staying in Texas. They were gonna go to school at Baylor, where they offered the sport we had. I got offered to go to Oregon, and I was like, I could stay and do the same thing with all my friends that I've done with the for the last decade, or I can go and like carve my own path and do my own thing. And I've always been like that. I want to go and do something new and different and bigger. Um, and I was always chasing my career as well. I was building collegiate acrobacks and templing programs. So it was the next step, the next program. I'm a better coach now, a better person now. I'm I've learned so much more now, and I I did change along the way as a coach as well. Um I've I've learned a lot of resilience. You have yes. Um, you know, and then I can be I can be alone or I could be around people, but I've uh you know, I've learned to be away from my family for long periods of time. Um will I eventually get sick of that? Yes. But um, yeah, I think are you at that point now? No. I mean I love Are you leaving us? No, I do go to Texas for a few weeks, but I'm not leaving. The only thing that I think would really bring me back home is um if you know someone in my family's like ill. Yeah. Um, or if I like wanted to start a family, I think.

SPEAKER_02 53:17

Do you like Texas? Like, is that a place that you would No.

SPEAKER_01 53:21

I've lived near the mountains, I've lived near the water, and now you want to put me in a concrete jungle. Right. Because we're in Dallas. We're in Dallas. Yeah. But my family's there, you know, it is home. Um, would I eventually want to move closer? Hopefully, would I love for like my parents to just because they're both work remote and they can find a way to get closer to me. Yeah. Um, I love my job. I love, I think that being where I'm at now at Fit and managing the studio is was like the perfect change for me from coaching for so long.

SPEAKER_02 53:51

Could we talk about the fact that how the message came in at like the perfect time in your life of how you even got this job?

SPEAKER_01 54:00

Yes.

SPEAKER_02 54:00

So there's something in Judaism called Hashgaha Pratis, right? Which is like things happen in a like nothing is coincidence. Yeah. Nothing is coincidence. So it happened at the exact time that you needed it to happen. You just lost your job, you were back in Texas. Um, so can you just like talk about that? Because I think it's crazy. Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 54:21

So when I was in Texas, I was actually applying for jobs. I had members at Equinox who were offering me jobs within their companies. It's like regular stuff, like sales, yeah, going to sit in a desk, going to whatever. And I'm like, cool, I'll offer you a lot of money. I have a full-time position. I have to stay in Texas. It's really hot here. I love New York. It wasn't, it didn't sell me. Like it was like, oh, this sounds awful. Like, right? A nice paycheck, but it sounds this is not, this won't fulfill me.

SPEAKER_03 54:44

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 54:45

Um when Yakira e talked to me, I think she's on LinkedIn, and I was, uh, I saw that the location said Israel, and I was like, Is this a bot? We joke about it all the time. She's like, might still be a bot. I don't know. Um, and she's like, unique opportunity, you know, whatever, whatever. I had a call with her. Um, and she's so terrible with calendars. I don't know if you've ever heard this, but like she messed up the times for Israel and for me, and she started calling me at like six in the morning for me, but it was supposed to be six for her and all the things whatever. That's funny. Our first phone call. And she was like, This is how I am, actually. It was like perfect. So it just so happened I was coming to New York because I saw my consulting business. And so we actually had a clinic that we were coaching. Um, my friend and I owned a business in Pennsylvania. So I was flying into New York to go there on during like Halloween weekend. And it also just so happened she was gonna be here on that weekend after we had talked the week before. Yeah, I could come to the studio and meet her. So that all kind of also was a little bit of a coincidence. Like, actually, I'll be there too. Um, and she didn't know like all the things and it wasn't really important. I wanted to get back to New York, I wanted to move further into the fitness space, and this was like the perfect kind of piece to that.

SPEAKER_02 55:54

Yeah. Um but she cold cold message. Yes, yes.

SPEAKER_01 55:58

And I don't even think I think she said this, I don't even think I had all the qualifications that she was looking for. Um, but I think it was the people management piece that probably sold it. And then she met me in like school. So no, we became really we we became friends, you know, because she's still my boss, but like um, we work very well together. Her style of work works for me. Yeah, um, I have a lot of freedom to make decisions, I have a lot of room to lead. Yeah, um, she's not super, you know, controlling and things. And um, we I think we just have a good kind of communication style and the way that we operate. That's been very helpful. Yeah. Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 56:32

So if there is one thing that you want to tell people that are like kind of going through similar things or, you know, in a relationship that they feel stuck and they can't get out of or want to move cross country, whatever, what would you tell them?

SPEAKER_01 56:47

I would say, first of all, we can talk about moving. Don't be afraid to do new things by yourself. Yeah. Don't be afraid to do things by yourself because you don't have somebody with you doing them. Um, experience everything. I I even say this like if I'm on an airplane, this is gonna sound crazy. If I'm on an airplane and it's like really crazy and I'm not afraid to fly, I'll be like, you know what, if this plane goes down right now, I've done a lot. I've experienced a lot, I've lived a lot of places and met a lot of people. Like to be in that place now at 32, like obviously there's more I want to do. No, I don't want to die today, but I've done a lot of things and experienced a lot of stuff because I just like took the leap. So what I would say is like just take the leap, like do it afraid. Who cares? Um, and with relationships, you know, especially with what I dealt with or similar, understanding that you're not crazy, but they will make you crazy. You have to leave. Like you have, you, you have to go. You know, whatever that takes. You know, my friends at the end were like, why didn't you tell us? We would have started like a GoFundMe. You know, and and and make sure, you know, for a while I was embarrassed and I didn't want to share um during it a lot, right, with my friends because I was embarrassed. I'm so glad that I did and that my family and everybody knew because I had so much support when I finally walked away that it wasn't just like a shock. It was um that I had made sure I had that accountability of people who knew what was happening and would call me and worried about me, right? Because I think a lot of women are afraid and ashamed and so they don't talk about it and they're just living these lives miserable and can't leave because maybe they don't have the means or don't know how, but also because nobody has any idea what's happening. Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 58:30

Why were you so ashamed from that?

SPEAKER_01 58:32

That somebody like me strong and resilient and could end up in that situation um and be so not myself for so long.

SPEAKER_03 58:47

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 58:48

I think it's very classic of abuse in general, and especially with women who are strong, who are women that are capable in every other facet of their life, but in the relationship realm, they kind of get manipulated into thinking that yeah, they're crazy. And you start and you start to believe it. So it's so typical of abuse, and it's really hard to kind of get past that. But once you get past that, you look back at it and you're like, oh, that was crazy. Like, why in the world did I let that?

SPEAKER_01 59:17

Yeah.

unknown 59:18

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 59:18

There's people now I meet in my life, like newly, that I'm like, I'm never, I'm just never even gonna tell the story. Right. I'm just pretending it never happened.

SPEAKER_02 59:26

You actually told me about it. I think like the second time that I spoke to you. Yes. You were like, I just moved out of an abusive relationship and now I'm in Long Beach. Yeah. I was like, that's funny. And I was like, cool. That's so funny.

SPEAKER_01 59:37

I was like, we need to talk about that. I actually said it in class one day. I was like, guys, I broke up with my boyfriend, I'm moving to Long Beach. Yeah, everybody's gonna be abusive. Well, I also think though, I knew your background, but I think you came to me in a way that I was like, oh, she's like this is going to be comforting to just like say.

SPEAKER_02 59:53

Yeah, yeah. It was awesome. I loved it. Well, thank you so much for being here, Shelby. Do you want to tell everyone where they can find you?

SPEAKER_01 1:00:00

Yeah, you find me on Instagram, Shelby L. Armstrong. Made it very easy for everybody to use my full name. Um, you'll find a lot of workout videos. You'll find um a lot of beach pictures. Yeah. And lots of food is running. Running. Yeah. And just me saying stuff that really doesn't matter, but I just like to talk.

SPEAKER_02 1:00:16

So that's awesome. It's awesome. Thank you so so much for joining us. Um, you can find me at Talk to Tomorrow on Instagram or on my website at Tamargasedner.com. Thank you.