She's Not Done

Motherhood Has A Way Of Bringing Back Our Past

• Kouelee & Andrea • Season 1 • Episode 1

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0:00 | 28:18

In this emotional Mother’s Day episode of She’s Not Done, Andrea and Kouelee dive into the complicated feelings motherhood can bring — pride, guilt, grief, healing, disappointment, and unconditional love.

They open up about the pressure and expectations surrounding Mother’s Day, the pain of feeling unseen, and how becoming mothers changed the way they viewed their own parents. From difficult mother-daughter relationships to breaking generational cycles, this conversation explores how childhood wounds can shape adulthood — and how healing begins when we choose to self-reflect instead of repeat patterns.

The episode also touches on learning to let go of unhealthy relationships, parenting with emotional awareness, apologizing to your children, and raising kids differently than we were raised ourselves.

This is an honest conversation about motherhood in all its forms: the beautiful, the heartbreaking, the messy, and the healing.

Because sometimes becoming a mother forces you to finally confront the child within yourself.

Thank you for being here! And remember, you are NOT alone and you are Not done.

xxx Andrea & Kouelee


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SPEAKER_00

And I'm okay with that because if it's not healthy for me, it's not healthy for my kids.

SPEAKER_02

Yeah, I think there's just so many feelings around Mother's Day, motherhood to begin with.

SPEAKER_00

Hi everybody, welcome to. I'm your host, I'm Care.

SPEAKER_02

I'm your host, Coley.

SPEAKER_00

I'm Paul. I'm still married. So this is gonna be recorded around Mother's Day, and we wanted to just touch on Mother's Day and feelings and the emotions that that possibly brings up for people. What do you think it's well?

SPEAKER_02

I'm thinking for me, it now brings feelings of joy. I'm now extremely proud of being a mom. Mother's Day, it shouldn't, but it kind of gives you that validation that you should be proud to be a mom. The anticipation of the day kind of reminds moms to be proud of what they're doing, but at the same time, it could be the complete opposite. Because I also sometimes do get the feelings leading up to Mother's Day where I feel, am I worthy of that title? Right? Of all the love that they give me. Am I worthy of that? Because there's days where I feel like I'm a horrible mom. So should I be celebrated because of that? Although I still feel extremely proud of the work that I do in that sense of raising them. And the reason why I'm saying now is because the feelings around Mother's Day for my first Mother's Day were just not as I expected them to be. Because it was my first Mother's Day, and it was the first Mother's Day for my husband, too, for me to celebrate me and not just his mom, in a sense. I could see how it fell through the cracks of celebrating me, because all his life he has celebrated his mom. And now I'm his wife, I'm the mother of his firstborn, and he celebrated me, but not as I expected it, in a sense. And so when you have expectations to begin with, I think that you're gonna get let down no matter what, because nobody is inside your brain, nobody's gonna know how you want to be celebrated, how you want to be acknowledged. There's still disappointment there, even yeah.

SPEAKER_00

I think with expectations comes disappointment.

SPEAKER_02

Yeah. And I definitely had expectations because it was my first one and I never had experienced this day, this Mother's Day. I've done it for my mom, I've done it for the side now. Right. But I've never experienced how it feels on the other side. So yeah, so I think my expectations were just too high because I just wanted to be loved and acknowledged and and all the feelings around it. And I was loved and acknowledged, but maybe not as I expected it to be. So, or without even acknowledging that he is celebrating in his hand his mom in a sense. And now, oh shit, I have to celebrate my wife too, in a sense.

SPEAKER_00

And how does he shift from that? Because all of his life he's celebrated his mom. Yeah, but now he has an incredible wife that gave him his first child. Yeah. How do you how do you how does he? I mean, we're not talking about he's not done, we're talking about she's not done. But however, I think it needs to be noted. Like, how does he how does he switch over? And how does he then maintain his celebration of his mom, but also celebrate his wife and and child?

SPEAKER_02

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00

Yeah. It's got to be a difficult situation for him.

SPEAKER_02

Yeah. What about you? How does it feel for you? What feelings does it bring up?

SPEAKER_00

I I love Mother's Day now, but I arrange it myself.

unknown

Okay.

SPEAKER_00

I have no expectations. I am in my own head. I do exactly what I want to do when I want to do it. But for years, and I mean years, before children and when the children were little, oh my gosh, my it would, I would be so sad just from the relationship I have or the lack of relationship I have with my mom. Yeah. And then even like buying at the time being married and buying cards for his mom, just standing in, I can remember so specifically, standing in the aisle for for Mother's Day cards and like choking back tears. And I'm not there now when I've worked through all that, but that there was years of that. Like I wanted to celebrate other women, but it just made me so sad that I didn't really know I didn't know how to work through that. And I think that's come with age and working through some stuff and therapy. But now so I I like looking back and seeing that there was a problem, and then I like figuring out how I got through that problem. I just think that's like progress. And now I get really excited because I I buy cards and I send them to all the mums I know. And where's mine? You know what's you know what's so funny? You know what's we were just dancing.

SPEAKER_02

I was just saying that. I meant to say it last time. Yeah, yeah. I did it.

SPEAKER_00

Let me tell you, your card, you didn't notice. One just came in with the shopping and put the post on the side. That's right there. Which is amazing because I wanted to make sure it got to you on Mother in time for Mother's Day. But uh that brings me joy, like just knowing like other to just to say, other moms, I see you, I celebrate you, I love you, and I feel like I don't have expectations of Mother's Day anymore.

SPEAKER_02

Receiving a card brings all the joy. Yeah, I think that's the feeling that you're trying to achieve is there. Oh, I love that. Yeah, that makes me happy. Yeah, if if that's what you're trying to achieve, then you have because for me, being acknowledged, just not just from my partner, makes me feel extremely special. It makes me feel like okay, like I'm doing something. Yeah. Right.

SPEAKER_00

You are in a sense. You're an amazing mom. So and I just it that makes me that brings me to it. See, I don't know what it is. I don't know whether it's because I'm a firm believer that if you've gone through hard times, that you have a bit more compassion for people, or like you just see things a little differently.

SPEAKER_02

I I think a hundred percent you've touched the how do you say the nail on the head is I think that if you do go through something that is traumatic or even doesn't even have to be traumatic, but if you're going through something where you felt unappreciated or unloved, you're gonna make sure as a as as that person that it doesn't happen to somebody else.

SPEAKER_00

100%. You've always been really good at like wishing happy birthday, just acknowledging the day, whatever that might be, birthdays, or even you're like the biggest cheerleader, even when I do something really good or I say to you, oh my gosh, this just happened. You just you celebrate.

SPEAKER_02

But again, why do I do that? Because a lot of times it wasn't done to me.

SPEAKER_00

So so that's a whole other topic, right? But I do feel that you go either way. And I'm just glad that I went towards the way of trying to help other people feel joy rather than going into myself and just being a meme bitch.

SPEAKER_02

And so my mom was present in my life and was a great mom, but I wasn't a great child, if that makes sense, although she doesn't seem to remember. Not sure why, not sure how. That's okay. She could keep it that way. Unconditional love. Yeah, she could keep it that way. I'm fine with it. But after giving birth to my first child, I've become more thankful of everything that she's done. I wasn't thankful when it was happening. Grateful. I don't know if I've celebrated her the way that she deserved to be celebrated.

SPEAKER_00

It does. And I'm I'm happy that you recognize that. Yeah. And I remember even before I had kids being upset around my dick. But once I had children, that was the first time I tried to rectify my relationship with my mom. Yeah. When I looked at both my kids and I realized I was like, What's that? I can remember it very specifically. They were coming down the slide in the back garden, and um maybe Emily was like five and Aria was like one or two. And I remember just being so overwhelmed with love for them. And I mean like bursting. Burst in. And I remember thinking in that moment, in that joyful moment, right? I remember thinking, why doesn't my mom love me like that? Which it sounds sad and it is sad, but I'm not there now. Yeah. But I can it it I choke a little bit because I remember the feeling. And I don't want my kid, like I don't want anyone to ever feel that way. And those were my feelings, right? That's how I felt. That's that's that was me to address for me to address. And I remember reaching out to her at that point, like I didn't say why don't you love me that way. Yeah. But I was like, you know, I don't remember. It may have been like WhatsApp or something, like these are your these are your grandkids. And um, again, we tried to rectify things and it it didn't work out the way I had planned, but at least I tried.

SPEAKER_02

But even in that must be like that must be, I I don't know, even harder. Maybe not because you had children at that point and you just knew I'm not going to be that mom. But also I could think of it of it's an it was a rejection before, and now it's another rejection in your older years.

SPEAKER_00

Yeah, I think it depends on your thought process. Yeah. My thought process is I tried everything and I gave it another shot and it didn't work. And you have to come to a you I say this all the time. If something is not good for you, it's okay to let it go.

SPEAKER_01

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00

Even though that moment might really hurt, right? I know it that she was not healthy in my life, and it wasn't giving, it wasn't making me the healthy person, individual, mother, wife, all of those things. It was it was consuming me in a negative way. And I knew that I tried and I tried, and it was no longer, it was no longer good for me. And I wanted to be the best I could possibly be for me and for my kids. And I think once I worked through that, and I'm at a place now where I'm good with that, I just I can't, even my marriage, right? I knew it was no longer good for me. And when something's no longer good for you, you have to make the changes. You can't stay in that space for the rest of your life. Oh my god, could you yeah, and people do, and no judgment there. I get it, I get it. Divorce is scary.

SPEAKER_02

It's a hard life to live.

SPEAKER_00

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02

It's a hard life to live no matter what decision you make, but yeah. To stay in a situation you don't want to be in.

SPEAKER_00

Right. And a lot of people do, because they don't know a way out or they don't can't afford a way out, don't see a way out, can't get past what they're feeling. And I just know that, like, I always say that it's I'm I'm drive, let's say I'm driving to Florida and I get to Savannah and there's a huge dark storm, and I'm shitting it because I don't like driving through it. But I know I gotta keep going to get where I'm going. So I just drive through it and then I get to the other side and the sun comes out. That is the only way I can explain it. When you need to make a change because it's no longer serving you and it's it's it's draining you, you have to do that.

SPEAKER_02

Yeah, I mean, it it's just it's a long road, right? And you never know how long that road is. It's not something where you're gonna see instant gratification, instant results. No, so I think that's what's hard for a lot of people because they can't see past the dark, right? Because that dark could take years and years and years.

SPEAKER_00

Oh, let me tell you, I sat in that dark for a long time, especially when it comes to my mother trying to question who I am. I'm not good enough. Here's here's another thing. When you're when you're raised to believe you're not good enough, and these are my feelings, right? So uh and and how I I felt, but when you're raised not to feel good enough, it's it's such a long journey to make yourself to heal yourself. I don't know if I ever would have healed myself without my kids. I don't know if I would have healed myself without my divorce. I feel like all of those paths led me to like who I am. So I'm grateful for the the pain, if that makes sense, because it it got me to progress into being more emotionally connected to people, I hope, more thoughtful to people, I hope. And don't get me wrong, I make some stupid decisions sometimes, and I'm sure I hurt people's feelings, but it's never intentional. I never intentionally try and hurt somebody, and I think without my experience with my own mother, and without my experience with my own kids, I don't think that I would be where I am today. Um you know, so now I celebrate Mother's Day and I genuinely celebrate it and I love it and it feels good to me, and I don't sit in that place anymore, but you really have for me, I had to get through the nitty, gritty, shitty test.

SPEAKER_02

Yeah, I think for me it's hard to hear that breaks my heart that an adult, and we all make mistakes, we do, we are all living this life for the first time. Nobody has had a second chance or a second shot at this life, right? You're only I'm only 38 now, I'm never gonna be 38 again, whenever I go through the decisions that I make. But for a parent to not love their child, and I don't know if I'm saying it because I'm a mom myself, that to me is the hardest thing to come to terms with process, hardest.

SPEAKER_00

So then I think about what childhood they may have had and the struggles they may have handled, and the and the healing that they never did. So they carry that damage and trauma with them. Yeah, and some people are never wrong. Some people are genuinely believe they are never wrong, so you're never gonna heal if you're never wrong. I know I'm wrong sometimes. I know that I'm not everybody's favorite person, but like I feel like if you You are everybody's favorite person, I know you have to look at yourself, and I feel like you are so good at this, you are so good at self-reflection. You really are. You stop and you think, like, what part did I take in that? Yeah, I think yeah, some parents some people are parents and they're not equipped to be parents.

SPEAKER_01

Why is it that after we give birth we turn back to our mothers? Because the same happened to me. And it could be either way.

SPEAKER_02

I feel like you give birth and let's say you didn't have that great of a relationship with your mom. You give birth, you're either going to look within and feel bad and try to mend things, whether you did something wrong or you didn't, or you're gonna turn and be the complete opposite. I want nothing to do with you, not that I'm a mom. How could you do that? How could you do that? Yeah, that's just hard for me to accept someone that I'm gonna cut you off because unless it's truly related to you've abused me verbally, mentally, and now I see it, I understand that for sure. Yeah, but I feel like when you become a mom, that is your chance at uh redeeming yourself for who you used to be, and that that that's what it was for me. Where I wasn't the greatest kid, in my eyes at least, you know. Again, my mom thinks I was great. But that was my chance to mend that relationship with my mom. That was that chance to get another chance at being a good kid.

SPEAKER_00

I think something clicks in us when we have kids that that makes you realize the sacrifices your own mom made, right? Yeah. I I 100% know that it was not easy for my ma.

SPEAKER_02

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00

But also her having trauma and not healing carried on through to the next generation. And I swore I was not gonna carry that to the next generation.

SPEAKER_02

Yeah, and I think it's up to us, not us, but every human being to break the cycle.

SPEAKER_00

Yes. And we know better. We're adults, so no matter what happened, and no matter what my feelings were as a kid and as in a teenager, I'm an adult now. So I either address it, I heal from it, or I carry it to the next person. And I'm not carrying that to anybody else. I don't want anyone to ever feel the way I felt. Yeah. Ever. Well, not only that. The bad stuff, the good stuff, yes, but not the bad stuff. That's the bad stuff.

SPEAKER_02

When you haven't done that healing, or when you think you're never wrong and you're older than me, and you involve my children in your mess, that is extremely hard for me to be okay with to a point where I do not care if you're family, if you're a friend, I don't care. Do not make my children feel a certain way because you can't regulate your emotions.

SPEAKER_00

Because you cannot regulate your emotions. That's right there. Correct.

SPEAKER_02

I I have no, and I know we've spoken about this before, and you're that person that okay, maybe I'll try to fix it once. Yeah, I cannot, I will not.

SPEAKER_00

No, never, and I have to respect that, you know. And I think for me, trying one more time is maybe for my own selfish reasons. Yeah, maybe I did something wrong, maybe I can do it better, you know. Maybe that's in me. But no, 100%. And I love that line, you know, because you can't regulate your emotions. And and that's the thing now, like I said before, we're adults, we know better. So no matter what happened in my past, it's my duty to fix that now. Not not anybody else's, not my mom, not my dad, not my like nobody.

SPEAKER_02

No matter what happens. If you don't want to fix it, then that's on them.

SPEAKER_00

But you still have to do your work to fix it. And whether you're family or not, touching on that, you still don't if you're not healthy and you're you're bringing stress and and just just ickiness. Yeah, I I I don't I don't want to share in that. Yeah.

SPEAKER_02

It's hard too, because the life that, you know, for example, my mom lived is completely different than the life I'm living, right? And the stresses that I bring into my family versus the stresses that she brought into her family. But again, it it to me it's hard because she's living this life for the first time, right? So there's certain things that she does that I will get upset at, and and we have those conversations, and I explain it to her, you know, and and the good thing, you know, she had it so hard.

SPEAKER_01

When I see other parents and the way that they're with their children, she's doing such an amazing job at wanting.

SPEAKER_02

To change for the better. So when she makes a mistake because that's what she's used to. This is how she grew up. This is and I tell her how it makes me feel, she rectifies it. She might be upset.

SPEAKER_00

Yes, but she hears you.

SPEAKER_01

She does. And so I love that. That is everything. Because when I see it the other way. When other moms or adults don't try to for their children, it just makes me sad.

SPEAKER_00

Yeah. They don't address it. They don't hear it. It can't be them. It's not them. Blah blah blah. I know. Yeah. That's why there is no excuse.

SPEAKER_01

But I I do.

SPEAKER_00

I love that for your for you and for your mom because I think about that a lot. Like when my kids come to me and they tell me they don't like something, I don't want to immediately be defensive. I want to hear that. Yeah. And how can I fix that? And listen, they're not always right. You know, I don't like how you didn't take me to Dunkin'. Oh well. But the deep stuff, when when they tell me something, you know, that they're uncomfortable with, I have to address it.

SPEAKER_01

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00

It's our job. Yeah. Because I don't ever want to shut them down.

SPEAKER_02

Do you know how many times I have to remind myself that they're just kids? There's certain things that I do that I even when I yell, right? And I try so hard not to yell. And so many times I'm just like, they're just kids. What am I doing? When I get like because I'm I I like things done a certain way.

SPEAKER_01

And if they're not doing it, I get upset.

SPEAKER_02

I read the other not the other day, but it takes a child, a young child on average seven seconds to truly hear the words that came out of your mouth. Okay. So when you say put on your shoes and they're not doing it, yeah, it's not because they don't want to. They just haven't processed. And then what happens? Put on your shoes. I said put on your shoes. Yeah. By the time you've already said it three times, they only hear it first and yell it because that's those seven seconds. That's what they hear. And then I didn't hear you. And they genuinely didn't. They generally didn't.

SPEAKER_00

And that makes me feel like shit. You know what though? Sometimes just put on your shoes. I put on your damn shoes. You know, we're leaving. Why I gotta tell you anyway.

SPEAKER_02

It's not different to me. But those are the things where it's my job to fix me. It's my job to learn to be more patient. Yes. It's not their job to try and please me.

SPEAKER_00

Right. And I think there is your self-reflection that we talk about all the time. You recognize that. People go through life like a fucking bulldozer with disregard for any feelings that are not theirs. And that that blows my mind more than than hearing like your mom hear you and try and address it and not do that again. Like that's how that's what communication is supposed to be about. There is no excuse anymore. I think that comes with growth, adulthood, motherhood, because you are able to see the sacrifices that your mom made everything about me. I think as a mom we do pick up on certain things, and other things we just we can't handle that right now. I'm oh I picked up on something, I'm gonna deal with that later. You know, I'm gonna pencil that in. And sometimes things get missed, and sometimes we make mistakes. But you know, I think, I think like with my mom, I sin that she did have a lot of struggles and and she worked really hard. And there's a lot of good things that I learned from my mom, like my addiction to travel. It's like my mom would just get up and take us, and we're going, we'd be in Spain, we'd be here, we'd be there. So we'd be on a road trip. She was a runner, she would run from things. So, but as a kid, for me, that was just adventures. So there are things that I love and appreciate about my mom, and I can love and appreciate her but not have her in my life. And I think that's what other people struggle with. And I'm okay with that because if it's not healthy for me, it's not healthy for my kids.

SPEAKER_02

Yeah, I think there's just so many feelings around Mother's Day, motherhood to begin with, and you know, with this podcast, I think we'll get into all of that. And that's what I'm excited to do. I'm excited to bring the ugly, the beautiful, the funny, yeah, but the honest most importantly. I think that this is what this podcast means for me is to be an honest voice for listeners.

SPEAKER_00

Yeah, space for like maybe that's not just me that thinks that way, or you know, even just driving home from from work, listening to this, you know. Like, oh okay, it's not just me that feels that way. Or, you know, giggled hopefully on the way home, or maybe just keeping someone comfortable. And they're exhausted, and they're kids up with their shoes up, and they're one of the people who don't have it.

SPEAKER_02

Let's open up today, let's open up today, until next time.