The Mental Load Nobody Sees

In this deeply honest episode of She’s Not Done, Andrea and Kouelee unpack the invisible mental load women carry every single day — from motherhood and marriage to divorce, intrusive thoughts, burnout, resentment, and survival mode.

The conversation explores how emotional overwhelm impacts both mental and physical health, why so many women feel like they have to “do it all,” and the moment many women describe as “the switch” — when they finally stop accepting less and choose peace instead.

They also open up about intrusive thoughts in motherhood, feeling alone even while married, asking for help, the shame surrounding mental health struggles, and how resentment quietly builds in relationships when one partner carries the majority of the emotional labor.

This episode is a reminder that mental health struggles don’t always look like a diagnosis. Sometimes it looks like exhaustion, survival mode, constant anxiety, or feeling mentally tapped out. Most importantly, it’s a reminder that you are not alone.

00:00 – Mental load, relationships, and how resentment builds
03:10 – Open tabs in motherhood and emotional overwhelm
06:25 – When stress starts affecting physical health
09:40 – “The switch” women talk about after burnout
13:20 – Mom guilt, work commitments, and balancing everything
17:15 – The school pickup story and worst-case-scenario thinking
21:40 – Intrusive thoughts in motherhood and why nobody talks about them
27:05 – Feeling alone while overwhelmed and needing help
32:15 – COVID burnout, breaking points, and survival mode
36:50 – How mental overwhelm can spiral into mental health struggles
41:10 – Scorekeeping, resentment, and carrying too much in relationships
44:20 – Supporting others through mental health struggles and reminding people they’re not alone

#MentalLoad #MentalHealthAwareness #MotherhoodUnfiltered #MomLife #MentalHealthMatters #EmotionalBurnout #OverstimulatedMom #IntrusiveThoughts #MomMentalLoad #WomenSupportingWomen #MarriageTalk #DivorceHealing

Thank you for being here! And remember, you are NOT alone and you are Not done.

xxx Andrea & Kouelee

Here is where you can find us online:

Instagram:
https://www.instagram.com/shesnotdonepod/

Tiktok:
https://www.tiktok.com/@shesnotdonepod

Youtube:

https://www.youtube.com/@Shesnotdonepod

Linktree:

https://linktr.ee/Shesnotdonepod?utm_source=ig&utm_medium=social&utm_content=link_in_bio

Transcript

Speaker 0:06

Then you start looking at your partner that way. That's why I'm saying that. It's not about giving a report card, but you're looking at your partner as less valuable. You don't need them. Right? Because the more you get A's and you're not okay with C's or F's, you start feeling like, well, I could do it by myself. Then divorce doesn't seem so uh you just went bang with the nail on the head.

Speaker 3 0:33

Yeah, that's exactly the divorce doesn't seem so scary then. This is my experience. Hi, welcome back to She's Not Done. I'm your host Andrea. And I'm your host Kouelee. I'm divorced. I'm still married. And in um respect to May is mental health month. We thought we would touch on the mental health mode.

Speaker 1:08

Yeah. Or mental health awareness really and how it affects us. And doesn't have to be necessarily a diagnosis or condition. I think that for me, at least, and I I've gone through different mental health struggles growing up, like eating disorders, for example, but I think that my mental health is has to be at peace. And so mental load of being a mom for me ties in with that. Everything that mentally I have to add on into my brain and all my tabs that are open, if I don't clear those tabs, my mental health suffers at the end of the day.

Speaker 3 1:52

Yeah. So I think no matter what, you're gonna have a lot of tabs open.

Speaker 1:58

Yeah.

Speaker 3 1:59

And I've personally, when that becomes too much and overwhelming and things are not handled correctly, or I don't have any more space, my mental health takes effect absolutely, but it also shifts into my physical health. Hold on. I actually remember during the divorce process, just you know, continuing to raise the kids and go to work and build a career, and the mental load of doctors, dentists, schools, and then one of the kids would get sick, and you just continue, you just continue going and going. And there was uh it it shifts then into my chest. So then I get sick. I I remember for a couple of years there, I just back to back, kept physically getting sick. And I'm pretty young and healthy and exercise and eat right. You look amazing. Thank you. But it wasn't anything I was physically doing, it wasn't anything that I wasn't doing, it was the mental load of just having that one last thing. Yeah. And you're trying to raise the kids and you're trying to do all those things, and then you get an email from like the divorce attorney, and it just it it it takes you to that your nervous system just completely lets down. Oh my gosh. And at the time I didn't recognize it, but I was surrounded by good people, and there was friends in my life that were like, I've noticed that every time you are handling a lot, it goes into your chest. So then I'd get a chest infection, and I think the last straw was I got a chest infection that moved into pneumonia, and then from the no, sorry, that moved into the flu, and then I got pneumonia, and I was like, I I can't live like this anymore. I have to find a way to mentally disconnect from the stress of the divorce process. So, how did you disconnect? I remember it feeling a a little bit like a switch. I was just like, that is it.

Speaker 4:02

I'm done. I think that most of the times for us women, it's just a switch and then everything changes. Oh my gosh. Whatever you put in your head, yeah. And if you say, Okay, that's it, you need that switch. Once that switch is turned on, that's it. You're not looking back.

Speaker 3 4:17

And that's what happened with my marriage, too. I was like, that's it, I'm done. And then I just I just physically knew that the kids needed a healthy mom. And I do want to share, during that time, I had to go get an x-ray because I had pneumonia. And then I got a notification after going for the x-ray that my insurance had been cancelled. Um, and see, so I'm already tapped out. I'm already pushing through. I and then it's like, oh my God, now I have an actual bill to pay for being sick from and I think that was the switch. I said, that is it. I cannot continue to allow this to mentally affect me and physically affect me. The kids need a healthy mom. I need to be healthy. So I just it was like night and day.

Speaker 1 5:02

Yeah.

Speaker 3 5:03

And can I tell you, like, even my career tripled when that switch turned off.

Speaker 5:09

I think there is something within us women, you know, and maybe it's a sim for men, I'm not sure. But I think that once that switch has turned on and you're like, you know what, I'm no longer accepting what was switch, you become a whole different person.

Speaker 3 5:25

Oh my god.

Speaker 5:26

And it's so it's so peaceful when you get there, you're like, and then you get there. It's not always easy to get there. It takes your eight. Because how many, it's it's like a New Year's resolution, right? If you've been building up whatever issue you're having, whatever thing is going on in your head, and you're like, I don't want this anymore, I don't want this, but you're not ready to make that switch, right? It's hard because every day you're looking at it and you could be your one decision away from a completely different life. One decision, but that's one thing to think it and to actively do it.

Speaker 3 6:04

I think also change. I think we know that when we make that change, it involves work. And you know what? I'm sorry, but sometimes we're so exhausted, it's like, I don't know if I can take on another thing. Like you know, you have to work on yourself when you're shifting gears and when you're changing something so huge in your life, you know it's gonna take work.

Speaker 6:27

It's gonna take work, and we've talked about this before. Something else is gonna take a backseat, right? Because you have to put more of your focus on one thing, and so something else is gonna take a backseat. And what is that something else, right? Is it worth giving that up for the new thing you're looking for? Or is it going to make it even worse?

Speaker 3 6:52

Yeah.

Speaker 6:52

And you have to make that choice.

Speaker 3 6:54

My kids took a backseat this week. They did. Why? I had work commitments that I really wanted to make work. And I wasn't home when they got up, you know, like they I wasn't home to to get them dinner, and I wasn't home to say, how was your day? You know, I like to take them to school and bring them home from school, and I do all my other stuff around that. And this week I didn't, you know. And uh it is, yeah, but I'm telling you, the back of the head, there was still that guilt.

Speaker 7:21

A hundred percent. And uh now that you say that. Juan was supposed to pick up the girls from school. There was one day this week, and for whatever reason, miscommunication, not sure, but he thought I was picking up, I was going to be home when Adriana gets off the bus. And so I'm text, I'm at work, and luckily I work five to seven minutes away. And I'm at work and I text him, I was like, Oh, are you getting the girls? And he's like, Well, no, I'm at Sophia's now, which means Adriana is getting off the bus and no one is going to be home. And mind you, we're five minutes away from that, and I work seven minutes away. Oh boy, and Juan says, Well, I'll be on my way from Sophia's school soon, which is 25 minutes away. He's like, It's okay. No, it's not okay. But you know what? He doesn't think about, oh well, she's gonna walk into the door, she's gonna think, what happened to my mom? What happened to my dad? Did something happen? I'm scared, nervous, all those feelings. He doesn't think about it.

Speaker 3 8:26

Yeah.

Speaker 8:26

Because in his mind, he's like, she knows how to open the door. I'll be home in 20, 25 minutes. To me, that's unacceptable. I cannot because in my mind, she's gonna panic. She doesn't know this never happened before. She's not ready for it. She wasn't expecting that. I don't want to put that on my child.

Speaker 3 8:45

You haven't prepped her for that.

Speaker 8:47

No. And so my mental health, my mental load is going overboard. I'm panicking. Am I gonna make it on time? Am I gonna be able to avoid those feelings for her? Because I want to protect her from those feelings. And so that mental load for me was extremely hard. And I get so angry when he's so calm and collected. And sometimes I wish I was just like that. Sometimes I wish in situations like that I could be calm and collected. But for whatever reason, when it involves my kids, the way they think, their mental health, the things that they're not prepared for, I want to be that buffer. I don't even want them to get there. Yeah, and I think as women, sometimes we do that too much where we try to protect them from things that are going to happen because we know the feeling and we don't want it to happen to them. And so he was calm and collected, and I was speeding home. There was a parts van in front of me that didn't want to move, and I'm like, okay, should I just go buy that parts van? And I didn't because I'm like, what am I doing? Either way, I'm late.

Speaker 3 9:57

Yeah.

Speaker 9:57

Either way, she's gonna have to walk in and face that, but it it was eating me alive. Yeah. Eating me alive.

Speaker 3 10:04

And that's part of the mental load. Yeah. Because you probably went through, I know I can, everything that could possibly go wrong in those three minutes. You already pictured them, went through them, and then and then got then realized she died already. Oh my god, she was dead, she was abducted. Yeah, someone talk about like, but it's but that's real. That's real.

Speaker 10:28

So real. Those men go through that process. No, I I mean I could be completely wrong. And if you do, I would love to know because I all the scenarios.

Speaker 3 10:42

And I wonder if it's just instinctual in us to want to protect them. Yeah, think of the worst-case scenario as a way to try and stop that from happening. And that is the mental fucking twist that goes on in our brains all the time. Yeah. It's the thoughts, non-stop. Those intrusive thoughts, yeah.

Speaker 11:05

Let me tell you, intrusive thoughts. I remember that's a whole other topic. I I could go on and on.

Speaker 3 11:10

I would push the pushchair when Emily was little, and I'd go jogging, and there's a hill by me that goes all the way down, and I'd tie it, wrap it around my wrist, and then I'd still be like, What if I just let go? Like, not I don't want to let go, and why would I ever let go? But what happens if I do let go? I'm never gonna let go. These intrusive thoughts.

Speaker 11:29

It's it's it's unreal. I remember driving down Route 17 with the the girls in the car thinking, What if I crash now?

Speaker 3 11:38

What if I yeah, I'm crossing the bridge. What if what if this bridge collapses?

Speaker 11:43

Why would I think that all the time? Yeah, and why would that happen? But guess what? It does happen. That's the thing. It does happen. No, so it's not far-fetched. Those things do happen. But why do we think about them?

Speaker 3 11:58

Listen, I caught a flight last week without my kids. I'm always with them. They always travel with me. I caught a flight without them. I never get scared of flying. Do you know I was gonna die on that flight? And my kids were never gonna see me again.

Speaker 12:10

Good thing you didn't. But yes, yeah.

Speaker 3 12:13

That is it's a sickness. It's a sickness, but also I think learning to talk about that. Yeah, I did not know that other women had those intrusive thoughts when they had babies. I had no idea. Like I thought that there was something seriously wrong with me. Yeah, and yeah, but other women, so we have to talk about it. Yeah, we have to say, as stupid as it sounds, as wacky as it sounds, get it out of your mouth so it can just like make more space in your brain.

Speaker 12:41

Yeah.

Speaker 3 12:42

For things that adds, yes.

Speaker 12:44

Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Close some of those stats. Yeah.

Speaker 3 12:48

Shut them down, block them, right? Block that website. Yeah. Oh my gosh. So did she come home and come in the house and was she okay? She was fine.

Speaker 12:57

Yeah. But she was scared. Yeah. She thought right away. She was scared. She went and she sat on the couch. And mind you, I was probably 30 seconds behind her because when I took the turn, the bus crossed me.

Speaker 3 13:08

Okay.

Speaker 13:09

And so I was probably maybe one minute behind her.

Speaker 3 13:12

Yeah. But look what you taught her already. She came in, she locked the door, and she sat down and kept safe. Yeah. And now you can have that conversation with her. Hey, if this happens again.

Speaker 13:24

I know, but you see, that I didn't want that.

Speaker 3 13:27

Yeah.

Speaker 13:28

I didn't want to have that conversation with her and finding out that way. I would have loved to have that conversation prior. And maybe that's my fault. I should have had that conversation prior if somebody's not here. But because I'm always there, there's always somebody there. It never crossed my mind that it would happen that I wouldn't be there.

Speaker 3 13:47

But I think also these are the things we learn as we go.

Speaker 13:50

I know. But again, that's me trying to protect her from something that in my head is so terrible. Maybe it was, she was fine.

Speaker 3 13:57

She's forgotten already, you know that, right?

Speaker 13:59

Probably.

Speaker 3 14:00

She's or she's gonna be 30 talking to a therapist this one time.

Speaker 14:04

Yes.

Speaker 3 14:04

My mom was not home for 30 seconds. I go with that. I think that's what's happening. But this is what I think about. So I do have a question. Do you have a specific time that you remember like being at the end of that mental load?

Speaker 1 14:22

And like how what did you do to relieve some of the pressure cooker?

Speaker 14:33

So I think there was one instance where I think Adriana must have been maybe six months. It was during COVID, and I had gotten the vaccine, the second vaccine, and I got so so sick. When I am telling, I thought I was going to die. I'm not even like it's no joke, I thought I was going to die. That's how sick I was. And I was home alone with Adriana, and I begged Juan to come home. And he was at work, obviously. It was on a Saturday, I think. And I begged him to come home. I said, please, I need help. I need you to come home. So hard to say those words as well. And he didn't come home. Oh not his fault. His boss. It was a Saturday, and they were busy, and but that I was try I I was truly at the end of my any capacities. Mentally, physically, I was exhausted from having an she was not a newborn. I think she was probably six months at that time. And on top of that, being sick, that to me was extremely hard. And not having the help mentally, I just couldn't handle it. And you know, you have a six month old that needs your attention, and that was hard for me to digest because I couldn't take care of her. You know, and there was not much for me to do. I was sick.

Speaker 3 16:12

Yeah.

Speaker 16:13

I needed the help. I needed somebody physically to be here with me to take care of her. Forget me, I would have just, you know.

Speaker 3 16:20

Killed up.

Speaker 16:21

Yeah. So yeah, that there was not much to be done, quite frankly, for me on my end.

Speaker 3 16:27

I think sometimes in those moments, the realization that you are alone can be another click in the mental for me, mental health, like being alone. Being this is this is it.

Speaker 16:40

Yeah, like dealing with it.

Speaker 3 16:41

It's just me.

Speaker 16:42

I have to and mind you, I have a husband, so it wasn't just me. But in that moment, it was just me, and I was terrified.

Speaker 3 16:48

Yeah.

Speaker 16:49

I was absolutely terrified. And I never really asked for help. So I think it was so it was feeling sick to begin with, thinking I was going to die because that's how sick I had gotten with fever, chills, thinking I was going to pass out. It was not just that. Okay, right. It was the fact that I was also left alone, if that makes sense. And and and that helped. And so having to deal with that and the fact that nobody's coming to rescue you, in a sense. Obviously, it sounds dramatic.

Speaker 3 17:27

It but when you're in it, you're in it. And when you're when you're sick like that and you have a newborn, the newborn cannot get up and get herself rice crispies. You know what I mean? Like they they they are relying on you for bad dishes to do rice crispies. Snap crackle and pop.

Speaker 2 17:44

I don't know, just popped into my hands. Because they smoke on rice crispies, they're tiny. That's the safe cereal. Don't you know this?

Speaker 17:55

It is. Oh well, you know what? I'm not thinking of the actual cereal. I'm thinking of the rice crispies bars. Oh that's what I'm thinking. I'm like, what would I give my six months of rice crispies?

Speaker 3 18:05

What I'm saying is, she everything at that time they rely on you. Yeah. Food, cleanliness, yeah. All of it. Yeah, it's it's a lot of a realization to be alone. I remember I remember during COVID. We'd gone like a couple of years, and not none of us had got it. Me and the girls.

Speaker 18:24

And then never got it, by the way. Me and Adriana never got it.

Speaker 3 18:29

It was two years in that when we got it. And Arya got it first. And she went down, but she was down for two days. And let me tell you, she got up and she ran the house. Oh, nice. I'm telling she was eight, nine years of age. Yeah. She gave all three dogs medicine because they were on meds.

Speaker 2 18:51

No, no, no, no, COVID medicine.

Speaker 3 18:53

No, no. You had COVID. So she got better and ran I'm not like ran the house. Yeah. Sin to the doc. Me and Emily went down. Emily's was Emily was so bad that she was having night terrors in the day, her fever. Me, I was bad, I couldn't get up. And then everything overflowed and the sewerage backed up. And I remember very specifically not being able to take one more thing. And then that happened. And I remember this scream coming out of my mouth that was pri like I've never heard this noise come out of me. I literally collapsed and just screamed. And both girls were just like, It's not funny at all, but I could just picture it. It's that's it's funny now.

Speaker 2 19:41

Yeah.

Speaker 3 19:41

Because it we got through it and we managed, but in that moment, when you get through things like that, and when you get to the other side and you you survive it, and you you're like, that's another reason that you you don't ask for help again. Yeah. Because you're like, I got through that and I managed that. And these are all the building blocks that kind of put up a wall. I think at the time I'd asked for help and I just I couldn't, there was nobody to help me.

Speaker 2 20:14

So anyway. Yeah.

Speaker 20:17

No, but I think that you know, and some people might think that, well, what does that have to do with mental health? You know, because a lot of times we characterize mental health as you have to have a diagnosis, you have to have, without thinking about the fact that being mentally overwhelmed is also affecting your mental health, right? Because it might not be your diagnosis per se, however, it is leading to mental health issues. Everything that you go through in life, yeah, if you do not know how to handle it, and if you do not know, obviously, unless you're diagnosed with an actual disorder, right? But if you don't have a disorder per se, and you're going through things in life that lead to having poor mental health, yeah, that's that's a big issue that a lot of people don't talk about. You know, retrieving within yourself, not you know, feeling alone or isolation, yeah, it could lead to depression, yeah. You know, things that if you don't handle it properly, or if you're not equipped to handle it, if you don't have the help you need, it could very easily spiral into a disorder.

Speaker 3 21:34

Of course. The shame that's attached to mental health, yeah. The shame of, oh, I can't handle it and I don't want to tell anybody. Yeah. And I've I I share it all the time, and I'll share it again. When you're going through a divorce, from my personal experience, you feel like you're in a glass bowl. Like everybody, like you can't, you every decision you make, you're you're questioning is that the right decision? It's thoroughly mentally. Exhausting. And I'm sharing this because at the time it was years and years and years, and emails and court and back and forth. And then, you know, you know, at the time, even my doctor said the load that I was carrying, you know, there's meds for that. And I know a lot, I'm not going to get into it, but there's a lot of people, and a lot of people that go through divorce that need that to get through the process. How is it possible that like that is still happening? We know more, we feel more, we understand more. How is this still the process? And I know that everything is individual for people and it's all different experiences. But for me, I don't understand how that is allowed to happen to the point where you're so physically and mentally drained that you could possibly fall into a depression and not be able to take care of what you need to take care of, and including your kids. You know, and thank God I have people around me, thank God I have tools, thank God I have an outlet. But if you don't have that, how do you get through those moments? Like I feel choked up right now thinking about women who have to go through that without love and support. Because my family was not here. And not because they don't want to love and support me, because I don't live in the in the same country that they do. But for strong women in my life and friends, and even that, the mental load was still overwhelming. You know, and I just I feel I see a lot of women and I'm I'm part of a lot of groups where I want to just like I want to just I want to help. And I don't I don't know how. Yeah.

Speaker 23:52

Well, the the the it's just being there. Yeah. You know, but unfortunately, like you said, a lot of women don't have that support system, or they do have family here, but that family is not supportive or doesn't know how to handle the issues that that person is going through. It's hard, you know, and I think that the more we talk about it, the more well, the more open we are, but because there's so much shame, and you know how I am. I'm an if if I trust you, I am an open book. I will tell you my darkest secrets, I will tell you the worst things that I'm going through, what is going through my head. But if we don't talk about that, even with if you can talk about it with your closest, closest people, forget if it's not family, it could be just a neighbor that you know you get along. Find one person that you can connect enough with that you can share that you need help. Yeah. And it's hard to admit, but sometimes what you might not recognize, someone else that cares about you will recognize that you do need help.

Speaker 3 25:03

100%. You know, even for people who are married that are going through troubles, if you talk about it, maybe there's a solution for you, right? Like let's just say there's cracks in the marriage. You don't want someone else to like blow it open by not helping. You know what I mean? Like reach out for help or talk to another person about what's possibly going on. There might be a solution. I think if we talk more, and we're like you were saying, and we're open more. Other people have solutions that we don't even think about.

Speaker 25:34

But I think it's it's getting to that point, right? Because me and you are both the same. We talk about it. Right. But the moment you also put something out in the open, you become even more vulnerable because now you might feel like you're being judged for everything that you've just shared.

Speaker 3 25:52

Yeah.

Speaker 25:53

And that's hard. That's extremely that's an extremely hard place to be in, is to not share because you're afraid of judgment. That's what causes even more mental illness, the shame. Isolation. I don't remember what it was, and I had asked him to do something and he forgot to do it.

Speaker 1 26:18

Right.

Speaker 26:20

And it happens, shit happens. Yeah. They forget. They forget.

Speaker 2 26:25

That's crazy.

Speaker 26:27

And to me, I don't care about you forgetting. And I think the conversation that we had was that I think because he had answered back on the text, I tried my best. And my response was, I don't get to try my best. And it's guess what? Oh, I forgot the lunch for the girls, but I tried my best. I tried to remember. But now they're just oh, I forgot to to uh clean their clothes, but I tried my best. I don't get to try my best and forget. Right. If I and and I think that's like hard for me because I think that's that's at one point what I didn't like about motherhood is that it felt like a chore. Because if I didn't do it, no one else was going to do it.

Speaker 3 27:19

I've always said that. If I don't do it, it doesn't get done. And that's that that mental load is not fair.

Speaker 27:24

That's not fair. Correct. So I think that's where you know for me and him, the conversation was going, and he understood. He never saw it that way. He never realized that, oh, you're right. Like they need you. At the end of the day, if I forget, are you there to do it? Right. Right? So if I wasn't able to leave work to pick up Adriana from the bus, would you have gone? Would you have left your job to go? Things like that.

Speaker 3 27:56

These are all part of breakdowns. See, I but you guys recognize it and talk about it.

Speaker 28:04

But not we've we've not always been like that.

Speaker 3 28:06

Correct. Yeah. So, but I do love that you recognize it, talk about it, and you see changes being made, right? Both of you.

Speaker 1 28:14

Yeah.

Speaker 3 28:15

So that's another, I'm going to touch on this. That's another mental load. When you actually talk about it and you're told one thing, and you go, oh, okay, and then it doesn't happen over and over and over again. I can tell you right now, that load changes your mentality on everything.

Speaker 28:36

Well, because then I think you go into scorekeeping too. And that's that's extremely hard. Then resentment to be in that in that mental space because then you're like, Well, I did the dishes, I picked them up from school, I put them to bed. What did you do? I'm doing more than you, you're doing less than me. You know, I've taken out the garbage three times this week, you've taken it zero times, things like that, and you start keeping score, and then it's almost like a report card that you're giving yourself. Saying, like, I got a straight A's, and you got Fs and C's and whatever the case may be, but then you start looking at your partner that way. That's why I'm saying that it's not about giving a report card, but you're looking at your partner as less valuable. Yeah. You don't need them, right? Because the more you get A's and you're not okay with C's or F's, you start feeling like, well, I could do it by myself. Then divorce doesn't seem so you just went bang with the nail on the head.

Speaker 3 29:42

Yeah. That's exactly the divorce doesn't seem anything. This is my experience. You're you're you're picking up the next thing. Oh, even things like, you know what? I'm gonna take the rubbish out today because when he gets home, that's one less thing for him to do, and he's gonna be happy. Like it's gonna help him. And then you do that, and then you mow, then you find yourself mowing the lawn with one kid on your back and the other one walking next to you. Now you're now you're you're doing all these things that you know are more and more. So your load is getting heavier and his load is getting less, and you and you get to a point where you're like, well, hold on a second. If I'm doing all this, why am I dealing with all the other shit when I can just clearly do it on my own? Do I want to do it on my own? Did I want to do it on my own? No, but I got to a point where you prove to me that I could do it on my own, so now I'm gonna do it on my own. Yeah, and that's where the switch went.

Speaker 30:46

Yeah. And that I I think a lot of men don't respect that. I think a lot of men don't respect that standpoint and think that nah it's not that it's she's got it.

Speaker 3 30:58

She's got it. Yeah. Well, maybe not even genuinely I'm saying it's maybe not even realize, right?

Speaker 31:05

Oh, I think they 100%. I think this is something that they really truly do not see.

Speaker 3 31:11

And I had this conversation during my process of thoughts with a friend, and they had said to me, Well, maybe he doesn't know that. Yeah. And I'm like, I would agree with you if we hadn't had the same conversation a thousand times. I'm very easy at communicating. You may not like the way it comes out of my mouth. I may not be articulated eloquently, but you know, like this is pissing me off, or that's pissing me off, or there was a hundred times I said we need to try harder, we need to come together more. There's no, maybe he he didn't hear me, but I definitely said it. But I don't think, I think that the mentality sometimes is it's gonna be okay. I'll deal with that tomorrow. I'll deal with that tomorrow. I'll dip now. You're dealing with that tomorrow. I'm your wife, and you're dealing with that tomorrow.

Speaker 32:04

Yeah. I agree and I disagree on that. Just because I really truly think that they're just not wired the same way that we are. They don't have 47 tabs open in their head. There's one tab. There's one tab. If one thing that I've noticed is if I send a text message, hey, on your day off, can you uh do this, this, and this, and this, they'll see the last thing that I put. Juan will see the last thing that I put. He'll make sure the last thing is done.

Speaker 3 32:37

You're not the only person to say that. I've had I've been told.

Speaker 32:40

Even things that I think is common sense. The other day, he comes home and must have been like right before dinner, and he says, Oh yeah, I got I picked up cake pops for the girls. I gave it to them after school. And I said, Well, you know, you don't need to give them cake pops after school. They that's what they have snack at school, you know, right before you pick them up, they have a snack. I pack them a snack before you pick them up. And he says, Well, it's all about communication, you know? And he's like, noted. Thinks that I'm like, you should have known that. But he doesn't know that he doesn't know that.

Speaker 3 33:23

That's definitely right.

Speaker 33:24

And it's things like that where that's why I'm saying I agree and disagree, right? Because I think when we're in a marriage, and not that we expect the other person to understand us completely, but at the same time, we're two different people. I don't care how many things you have in common, your brain is wired completely differently than than mine. So I could see where you're saying you've said over and over and over and over again, but I could also see where in his head it's you might have said over and over and over again, but I never heard you. Oh, well, because it was not you didn't say it the way that I receive it.

Speaker 3 34:06

Yes. So I've said it, you've heard me, but you've not processed it. Yeah. It's just and it's gone because he doesn't have room. Yeah. Or he just thinks, well, that's just it's gonna be fine tomorrow. Yeah. And it's not that big of a deal on his head. And I have this report to do, so I'm gonna go do that because that's all he can think about. You know, when someone's talking to you and they say something and you're like, oh my god, and you want to that now all you can think about is like what you wanna tell them because it triggered a thought. I feel like that's what I was dealing with a lot. Like they were just somewhere else. I have to go do this. Yeah.

Speaker 34:39

So yeah, yeah, yeah. Because what's important to you might not be important to them. 100%. But not in a disrespectful way, if that makes sense. So what's important to me, for example, right, is making sure that when I cook, I clean up after myself. Everything is cleaned up after myself. One could care less, he could give two shits. He could have the dishes out and about for the whole day, and it doesn't bother him.

Speaker 3 35:10

It's making me twitchy thinking about that.

Speaker 35:12

Right. But his brain is just not wired like that. He's like, I ate, I cooked, I ate. I just want to relax. I don't need to be doing the dishes. For me, I cannot relax until the dishes are done.

Speaker 3 35:23

Yes, and that is not just men, by the way, because m my Emily should cook, eat, and leave everything there. Quite happen and it not bothered her at all. And me and Arya are like, mm-hmm.

Speaker 35:37

Yeah. That's what I'm saying. It's like when you're in a marriage, you're women to woman, men to men, men and woman, you're dealing with two different individuals. Two different so that's that's why marriage is extremely hard. It is, and and it ties in with mental health so much to have to deal and I don't even know if if using the word deal is the right word, but to deal with another human being and another human being's brain. Yeah, because I think we're wired to let me fix that brain. But maybe it doesn't need fixing. It probably doesn't, right? It needs fixing for our brain.

Speaker 3 36:24

Yeah. But then you get to a point where I'm like, it's okay. I don't want to fix it anymore.

Speaker 1 36:29

Yeah.

Speaker 3 36:29

And that's okay. I learned a lesson that this is just not for me anymore. Because I shouldn't have to change someone. I don't want to change someone. It's not working anymore. So now we do have to change something. And what does that look like? And for us, that looked like separate, separate what uh going our separate ways because we'd already tried all of the communication and and that mental load, I just think is is not somewhere I ever want to be again.

Speaker 37:04

Well, then let me ask you this, right? Because and I don't want to put a label on it, but I do think that it's it's it's more us women that feel that way more than men do. But do you think we're overwhelmed or we normalize carrying all those responsibilities?

Speaker 3 37:26

I can only answer for me. I know that I was.

Speaker 37:30

Who else was going to answer?

Speaker 3 37:32

No, but what I mean is you I can't answer for all women, but I can answer for my experience. My experience was I normalized carrying more and more and more and taking on more and more and more, and then I became overwhelmed, and then I said, fuck it, I'm gonna do it on my own. So then is it your fault? Probably. Like I'm genuinely with that. I'm genuinely okay. The same thing that I So, what was my alternative, right? I'm going through a marriage and I'm asking for help and I'm not getting it. Then I ask a different way and I'm not getting it. So now I'm doing it because it needs to get done.

Speaker 2 38:13

Yeah.

Speaker 3 38:13

I think we all know that. A lot of us can relate to, I'm gonna do it because it's not gonna get done. Yes. So then if that continues to happen and then the resentment grows, and then the love disappears because the resentment's growing bigger than the love, right? And the benefits of living with another human being who has another way of thinking start to not be the re the what's the benefit now? And you've worked at it and you've tried. I this is this, it's probably me. However, I'm not gonna stay somewhere. Correct.

Speaker 1 38:50

Yeah.

Speaker 3 38:50

That's just not who I am. So if we're not progressing together, if we're not, if we're not getting to the next level together, if we're not communicating together, then this isn't for for for us anymore. So I think, is it my fault? I don't want to say it's it's not my fault. Was it was it my decision to to make changes? Yes, 100%. Did I take on to and I do think about that. I often go back to, I don't like sit in it and go, oh, I should have. No, I just like to look back and say, what could I have done better? What and I think from an from from an early start, I don't think I should have taken on so much. Yeah.

Speaker 39:36

I that's what that's what I've done.

Speaker 3 39:38

I really don't, because I allowed that behavior the same way as we didn't share holidays with my family, because my family wasn't around. So his family got used to not having to share any holidays. And then when it was time to say, you know what, I really don't want to do that on Christmas Day, they'd be like, What? So it's like I I think I created I created that. And yeah, I think that I looking back, I kept saying yes to things and doing more. I don't know what the alternative is though.

Speaker 40:13

But so you see, even just that still affects you mentally because you're thinking about it as yeah, what could have what could I have done differently?

Speaker 3 40:25

I do think about that.

Speaker 40:26

Yeah, and so mentally, so sometimes I feel like we're closing tabs, but I feel like that there's tabs in our heads that can't be closed that are always going to be there. Yeah. And it's hard because and and that's what I mean by mental load, right? Because I have tabs that I can close, right? That those are tasks that I can complete. Oh, okay. She has to go to this birthday party, she has to do this, or I have a doctor's appointments. Those I can close once they're done. But then there's tabs in our heads that we can't close, like something like that, where you went through a divorce. Mentally, you're carrying that guilt of all those feelings around it. And that's a tab that's gonna be open for probably a long time if it ever closes.

Speaker 3 41:12

Yeah, and I think the questions get less and the thought process get less, like, but and that's also what therapy's for. Yeah. But I don't, I've shared it in other when we've done other topics that I know I tried all the things I could try, I could try. I know I did all the things that I was capable of doing before I said I can't do this anymore. And I am at peace with that. And once I made that decision, the mental load shifted to okay, now how do I how do I proceed in this it with this in this direction? And then I automatically open a new tab and now I'm in survival mode. Like, how do I get?

Speaker 41:58

You know what I what I also wonder too, and and that's a question for you, and but for anyone out there. If you do recognize that someone is struggling mentally, how do you help them? Like what's something that you do if you see somebody is truly going down a rabbit hole or whatever they're they're dealing with? What if they're not letting you reach out? I mean, what if they don't respond?

Speaker 3 42:31

I just gently remind them, hey, I'm here.

Speaker 42:36

Yeah. I think I think that's something that I do a lot, is if I do see somebody is needs their space or is is is going through grief or is going through depression, anything like that. Like I always will reach out with a text. I'm not expecting an answer. I just want to let you know. That's huge. I'm here.

Speaker 3 42:54

And I've had feedback from that too, like reaching out to people. Don't text me back. I just want you to know I love you. Yeah. That like a week, two weeks later, they'll say you don't know what that meant. You know what I'm saying? So it does, it does make it.

Speaker 43:05

Don't think, don't think reaching out doesn't make a difference because well, I think if you don't do it genuinely and you're just trying to pry, then meaning you're just looking for an answer, you want to know what's going on. Yeah, you don't know that. That's selfish. Yeah. I think then it's different. But if if you genuinely are not looking for an answer, I think that person receives it.

Speaker 3 43:30

Yeah. I think they feel that. Like if you like you said, it has to come, you have to be genuine. I don't want to be selfish and know what's happening. You'll tell me if you want to. And maybe there's a way I can help you, or maybe not. Or maybe this I had a lot, I I had some real close friends, you included, that just sat with me, didn't expect anything from me, didn't want anything from me, didn't, didn't have these expectations, didn't ask. I've had people who didn't even ask what happened. Until years down the line when you're ready to talk about it. And I have to say, those are the people that are still solid in my life. They love watching me succeed.

Speaker 1 44:10

Yeah.

Speaker 3 44:10

And I will forever be grateful. So it's, you know.

Speaker 44:15

At the end of the day, I think that there's so very few people in in at least in my life, you know, but I I could see that for the older you grow, the less friends you have, right? Because you see who are your true friends, who see you see who's not. Yeah. And but a quality like that to just have friends that don't ask questions, they're just there. Just there. Yeah.

Speaker 3 44:39

Just for stability.

Speaker 1 44:43

Yeah.

Speaker 3 44:43

And love. And I think when you're when you're mentally overwhelmed, when you're struggling, when you have depression, I you know, there's there's people in in my family that struggle, struggling now with something, and I just keep popping in, like, hey, that's all you can do.

Speaker 44:59

Yeah, I think that's important. I would love to know from other people.

Speaker 3 45:04

Right? Yes, I did. I wanted to ask, like, tell us something that you've overcome, like something you've struggled with and that you've overcome. And how did you overcome that? Because you never know if that you sharing that might actually help somebody else.

Speaker 45:22

Yeah. And not only how you've overcome that, but what have you done for somebody else to help them?

Speaker 3 45:28

Even just talking about it sometimes might help another person, right? Just be able to relate to that or see that you got through it and that you're you're vibrant and happy. And you know, because sometimes when you're in the ditches, that's all you can see is somebody else's light. That's that's that's a huge help. Yeah. So so you guys might be dealing with a mental health load, but you're not alone, and you're definitely till next time.

unknown 46:01

Bye.