Is The Village Gone Or Are We Afraid To Ask For Help?

In this episode of She's Not Done, Andrea and Kouelee tackle a topic that resonates with so many parents and women: the village.

We often hear people say, "It takes a village," but what happens when asking for help feels impossible? Is the village really gone, or have life experiences, disappointment, trust issues, guilt, and the pressure to be strong made it difficult to lean on others?

Andrea shares how divorce, single parenting, and years of being let down taught her to do everything herself—until life forced her to start asking for help. Through small moments of people showing up consistently, she learned that trust can be rebuilt and that accepting support doesn't make you weak.

Kouelee opens up about her struggle with vulnerability, control, and the fear of being perceived as anything less than strong. As a working mom, she discusses the guilt that comes with asking for help, the challenge of trusting others, and why she feels she hasn't fully built her own village yet.

Together, they explore the many forms a village can take—from family and friends to neighbors, fellow moms, schools, daycare providers, and community connections. They discuss how villages are often built intentionally over time and how support looks different for every family.

This conversation is an honest look at motherhood, trust, independence, and the courage it takes to let people show up for you.

Timestamps

00:00 – Welcome back to She's Not Done

01:15 – Is the village gone, or are we afraid to ask for help?

03:30 – Why asking for help can feel like weakness

06:00 – Being let down and learning not to rely on anyone

08:45 – Trust issues, control, and doing everything yourself

11:30 – The mental load of motherhood and partnership

14:00 – Why some women struggle to be seen as vulnerable

17:15 – Building a village versus expecting one to appear

20:00 – Community, friendship, and finding support outside family

23:00 – Divorce, trust, and relearning how to lean on people

26:00 – Mom guilt and the difficulty of accepting help

28:30 – Different parenting styles and different definitions of support

30:15 – How do you build a village when trusting people is hard?

31:30 – Final thoughts: You may not have a village, but you're not alone

#TheVillage #MentalLoad #MomGuilt #MotherhoodUnfiltered #MomSupport #WorkingMomLife #SingleMomLife #WomenSupportingWomen #AskingForHelp #ParentingPodcast #ShesNotDonePodcast #CommunityMatters #VulnerabilityIsStrength #TrustIssues #YouAreNotAlone.

Thank you for being here! And remember, you are NOT alone and you are Not done.

xxx Andrea & Kouelee

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Transcript

Speaker 0:00

What say something not fun? However many of us leaves a damage where you don't want to make some health, but you just want to control it, right? So I'll just do it because I know it's gonna get done. I'll just do it because it needs to be done. Welcome back to She's Not Done. I'm your host, Andrea. And I'm your host, Kouelee. I'm still divorced. I'm still married. So today we're gonna talk about the village. Yes, is it gone or are we just afraid to ask for help? Yeah. What's your take on that? I think for a while there, I was afraid to ask for help. Right? Because in my mind, I in my mind, I felt like if I'm asking for help, that maybe that indicates that I I can't handle it. And you're weak. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, and I don't know, I don't know. There's there's still some of that now, but let me tell you, that that now the situation I'm in, and raising two teenage girls and the the different places they have to be at different times. I I count on my my village. Well, in a sense, you also have to because it's just you. Yeah. You know, I'm not in that in that sense, it's I'm on the opposite end where I do have my husband, and so he's the first person, even though it's super hard for me to ask for help, even from my husband, he's there. So if I need somebody, it's his job. He's the go-to. Yeah. But I do have to say that from watching you over the years, I felt you were extraordinary at asking for help. You know, thank you. Yeah. And you get to a point where I don't have a choice. If I give you a quick scenario, right? I drive my kids to school. So I I I shared this before and I joke about it all the time. I did that, right? That so I take one to school, come back, take the next one to school because they're in different schools different times. There's times where I've had like been so sick and I can't get out of bed. I've had no choice to ask people. And I'll tell you, it's not just women. I have a couple of real strong, amazing men in my life that will go out of their way to help, you know. So it's the mums, it's the dads. There's a there's a few of them. But it took me getting really sick and desperate to ask for help. And now I now I try to ask for help before I get to that point. Yeah. I think that's maybe that comes as you get older, maybe that comes as you go through shitty experiences. Like, how can I avoid that happening again? That's how my brain works. I really wonder because to begin with, I never ask for help. It's extremely hard for me to ask for help because in my mind, I'm just going to do it myself. It's easier if I do it. And maybe I'm afraid to be let down because I've been let down if I've asked for help. And because I don't ask for help, when I do ask for help, I truly need it. It's desperation. And then imagine let down at that point when you truly need it. Yeah. You ask less and less until it becomes just you nothing at all. I I've actually never, ever known you to ask for help. Do you know how many people ask me, Oh, do you want me to babysit the girls? I don't know what it is. I I don't I truly I don't know. I don't know if it's and the thing is, there's very few people that I trust with my children. And rightly so. And you're one of them, and I have maybe three other ones, but I've never asked you. No, not once. Not once. No, no, even well, time's limited as well. So even when we have a chance, we want to hang out as a family. Yeah, right. Like we're a chosen family, so but yeah, it's never, it's never, hey, can you watch the girls while me and one go on a town? Now that I think about it, I think for me it's hard to ask other moms, not because I don't trust you, but because I also know that you have children and I wouldn't want you to leave your children for my children, if that makes sense. Or you're just worried about putting one more thing on another mom, right? Because that's my voice. I ask my friend, can you just grab Emily from Field Hockey? You know, and and they do. And not I I will say this. You know, I've noticed nobody when I when I do reach out and ask for help, firstly, anyone I ask either says yes or they find a solution for me, which I think is absolutely phenomenal because most parents know by the time you've asked for help, right? But I've noticed with certain friends, if they can't do it, they figure out someone else who can. And I think that's a mom thing. Like we're always problem solving, we're always trying to fix something, we're always trying to help get to where you need to go. But in order to be where you are, you need those mom friends to begin with. Because if you don't have those, then your village also doesn't exist, right? Because sometimes I feel like we think our village are our neighbors, our friends, or family, but to me, it looks more like the daycare, in a sense, is my village. The nanny for someone else is a village, like paid help. Because you feel if you're paying them, they have to show up and you've been let down before, which breaks my heart, because you give your last minute to anybody. Yeah. So the fact that you've been let down so many times that now you're nervous about asking for help, that's that's that's where you end up, right? Like that's that's a tough spot to be in. And I have been there. And it takes practice to ask for help because you get I get at the beginning, I'd get nervous or anxious, or they're gonna think I can't handle it. Well, the the handling it, I think, is also for me a big issue because I think I have an issue with other people perceiving me other than strong. Your persona, like we we've talked about this before with your career and and raising the girls, you want to be seen as that powerhouse, which by the way, you are. Thank you. And also in that, you have to learn to ask for help. Yeah, and maybe, maybe, maybe you never will. I don't know. It's a practice, I don't know what it looks like because I'm also a very controlling person, right? So even in our home, it's very hard for me to ask for help, right? And we've had those conversations with Juan where I don't want to have to ask you to do certain things, I want you to figure it out on your own. But at the same time, he's not a mind reader, right? And that's that's 22. That's a big ha moment that I had when I realized that yeah, he can't read my mind, he can't see that I'm angry in my mind, pacing back and forth. What are you kidding me? When he sits on the couch, there is nothing more triggering to a woman than a husband that just sits on the couch, and he doesn't know the last three hours you've walked past that rubbish a hundred times. One time, it never fails. And he just made fun of me the other day. It's like, yeah, she walks by me. We were with hanging out with friends, and he was like, Yeah, she doesn't know that she doesn't say it, but she walks by me and she just goes, I could hear you do that. I do not, but I truly, he's not wrong. I will not half him puff, but if I pass him and he's sitting down, I will just pick up something that's right in front of his feet, just and half him puff, you know. Just do for him to read my mind. Do you not see me? Do you not like hear me? But he's not a mind reader. For him, it's like, all right, I'm just gonna take a minute and sit down. For me, it's like, why are you sitting down if I'm not sitting down? Yeah, how dare you? So you need to have so now that you recognize that that you huff and puff and blow the house down, now that you now that you recognize it. Yes. Are you putting things in place? No. Work in progress. It's it's just extremely hard for me. And I truly I I maybe I have to dig deeper to see where it's coming from. I don't know if because my mom was a single mom and she basically figured it out her entire life. Well, not her entire life, but while we were young. But maybe it is the fact that I just don't want to be perceived as weak. I don't know. I have a hard time showing vulnerability vulnerability. Yep. What you said. That's it. I have a really hard time with that. I think that's a lot of it. Vulnerability, worry of judgment. Yes. The people that know me know I am the biggest mush in a sense. I have the biggest heart and I'm extremely vulnerable and the in front of people that I care about. Right. But in front of strangers or people that I work with. I've been told so many times to not be so emotional, to smile more, so many times that at some point, what am I supposed to pick up the laundry smiling? And him to the rubbish smiling. Yeah. You should try that. Next time you walk past him, you should hey, things like that. Well, I mean, I to be fair, it's not Juan that has told me to smile more. No, I know that. But it's people at work, you know. So then touching on that, I wonder if that's also part of it of you being told so many times to do something that it makes you non-emotional. Oh, 100%. Because I know for me, if you're gonna tell me to do something in a manner that's unpleasant or unkind, I'm doing the opposite. Yeah. I even if I wanted to do that thing, now I ain't doing it. Yeah, for sure. So that's why I think that for me, it's not that the village is gone, it's never been there to begin with, because I have not built my village. I think a village needs to be built by you, right? By yourself, right? Or other moms. I've built my village. I have. I have been part of other villages, if that makes sense, but I have not built my village. Like I have my closest friends, yeah, and they're in a sense my village. But like you said, when when I need my village, it's because I just want to see you and hang out with you. It's not because I need help from you. Right. You know, that's that's my village. I don't use my village for help because I can't do that within me. It just doesn't work. But my village is my help, is in I need to talk to you or you know, how just have you around like that. Even even just eating together. Yeah, you know, don't you? Oh, that that yeah. Mothering with another mom makes things so much easier. I would much rather go to a park with another mom and my children than just me and my children. Yeah. Maybe because it's hard for me to handle. I think as well, I firstly, I think you hand handle, I don't want to use that word. I think you mother amazingly and your kids are always happy and content. And when they melt down, you you deal with it wonderfully, right? But when you don't want to deal with it wonderfully, it's nice to have someone else there that's not gonna judge you, that's gonna say, Oh, don't make eye, remember this, don't make eye contact. Yeah, you know when your kids spiral in and you'll alternate to whoever I'm with them, like, don't make eye contact with them. Yeah, don't do it. Yeah. But also, I feel like the village for me, I have built it and it's taken me years. And I've moved, you know, we both have moved from another country, we've done hard things, we've made new friends, whereas other people have grown up here. But I, you know, joined a gym, got to know other people, volunteered firefighting, got to know the fireheads. Like there's all these different parts of my community that I've you know, embedded myself in. But I also want knowledge from other moms, older mums. Like I want to know how they got through that phase. And because I know that I don't have all the answers. I've never had a 15-year-old and a 12-year-old before. Ever. Right. There's problems coming up now that I don't know how to handle, that another mom has an 18-year-old and a 20-year-old that can say, you know what, even if they just say this is temporary. But so for me, that village, that's what I pull on my village. Yes, it's great. Hey, I can't be in two places at once. Can you grab the one and I'll grab the other? But I want to pull on them for on our walk in the morning, asking them about the next steps. Yeah. Like, how do I handle this? How do I handle the boyfriend time? You know what I mean? How do I handle the mood swings? How do you and I think the all the mums, we all have something to give each other. Yeah, but but you I think you said it perfectly. It's also because you have built that village because you went out and reached out to your community, you're part of your community, and I think that's a big deal because me, I'm not part of a community, if that makes sense. And it's very isolating in a sense. Obviously, I have I have neighbors, I have friends, I have work. But as far as a community, I don't have that. And because I haven't looked for it, I haven't gone out into my community, if that makes sense, to find these people. So that's why I also say I have very, very few people that I trust, or even very, very few mom friends, like actual mom friends that are not friends. I maybe have like one or two, and that's it. Because I choose to. It's my fault in that sense. Not fault, but these are your choices. Yeah, and it's hard for me to also trust anyone. So one of the questions that I had for you is do you trust people to rely on them? Like, is it hard for you to do that? Oh, it's yeah, 100%. You know, I came from a marriage that would say something could not follow through. And that constant for for however many years leaves a damage where you don't want to ask for help and you just want to control everything, right? So I'll just do it because I know it's gonna get done. I'll just do it because it needs to be done. Yeah, I'll just do it because they're gonna let me down. But the I think we also forget to think of someone not completing something does bring up trust issues. A lot of people don't see it that way. For me, it does. So that's why I get to a point where I'm just doing it myself. But I have learned I've learned over the I would say over the last eight years, and there's a timeline with that, that I've learned to let go, release control, control things I can, obviously, but but let go of things I can't control. And I have to ask for help because I also want my kids to have the that experience with other people. Yeah. Like they're getting picked up with their friend by the friend's mom. Maybe they'll tell that friend's mom something they're not gonna tell me. Yeah, right? Like I've had conversations with my kids' friends that maybe they haven't had with their parents. So now were you like this before divorce, or you've always because I perceived you as always being like that. And I don't know if it's easier for you because you're divorced, because you don't have a choice. But then it sounds like you're saying that even in your marriage, you didn't have that trust where you had to rely on other people. I think during my marriage, I was outgoing and friendly to people, but I did not build on, I wouldn't ask anyone for help. I wouldn't reach out. And we had a couple of babysitters here and there that I trusted, like neighbors' children that had grown up. But no, it this this is something I've worked on specifically during separation, during divorce. And I don't, again, it's a timeline with something else that I went through. So I don't think it's specifically divorce. I think it's learning to relinquish control of certain things and learning that I can't do it all myself and I'm fucking exhausted, right? Like we touched on that before. I mean, you just I had the flu and pneumonia, and I had to ask someone else to take my kids to school. Obviously, I only ask people I love and trust. Right. But I I will say that those people immediately responded and immediately did and and continue to help me because they know I don't ask for help. And then from there, I said, Oh, next time, you know, once I started to feel better and I needed help and I'm trying to be in two different places and trying to, you know, show a house, now I've learned, you know what, I'm gonna ask them, I'm gonna ask them for help before I'm I'm laid sick in bed. And it kind of worked up to that. Yeah. A little bit of trust, people showed up and followed through. Next time I trust a little bit more, they showed up and followed through. Let me tell you, people show up and follow through. And when you've had a relationship that doesn't show up and doesn't follow through, it takes a long time to reprogram your brain and your thought process and your trust issues. It can take a while. It does. I mean, that's what they say. It takes a second to break trust, but years to rebuild. 100%. I completely agree. Yeah. But you have to take these tiny steps for yourself and for your kids. I mean, it's definitely something that I want to try and work on. But mentally maybe it's because of the fact that my mom was a single mom. And because she was technically never around, maybe the guilt of leaving them is maybe why I don't ask for help. So here a huge reason I was a stay-at-home mom. Yeah. I didn't have that. Yeah. So that's probably part of it, right? Like you, the like you said, the guilt. We always carry guilt no matter what. Whether we're doing too much we feel guilty, we're doing not enough, we feel guilty. You know, for you, working the job that you work and just wanting to get home and be with your kids, you don't want to ask people for help. If if I could have a living nanny, I probably that's an option I would do. I was one, you know, that's an option I would do. But I'm not gonna hire help for two hours after school because that's the time I want to spend with them, even though half the time I I'm exhausted and I'm probably not fun to be around. I would rather be with them than not be with them. No, and they they're so they're gonna remember the ice cream they had after dinner, and mom cooked. They are they're gonna those are the things that they're gonna remember. Yeah. I think I think it's okay not to need help, by the way. Yeah. We don't have to it's okay not to need help. Yeah. I personally need help, you know, not all the time. Yeah, but when I do, I now ask for it. But if you don't need help, yeah. I'm laughing because I went away for work, I think a week ago. And when I came back, it's funny you said that because they do notice those little things. And Juan was packing the lunches, and you know, I came home and Adriana said, Daddy, why was my lunchbox so wet? It was so messy and wet, you know, and Juan was like, Don't say that. I tried really hard, which he did. You know, it's not something that he does, but I enjoy packing their lunch, so it was really nice to see that she did notice that there is a difference. Yep. And I'm proud of Juan for saying, you know what? It's okay to say to your kid, don't say that. That's hurtful. Mommy tried her best or daddy tried his best. Yeah. And I could see him back in the lunches. That's really cute. Yeah, but they sent him the pictures ahead of time to make sure that's the control. Oh, I have to because you know what? The thing is, one thing that I've under I've come to understand with Juan is he doesn't operate the way that I do. He doesn't think of the things, the little details. He doesn't think about that. I know how she wants her sandwich cut, and I know that she's she's still gonna eat it. But I know the things that upset her. Like if there is crust on it, you know, she is that kid. She's extremely detail oriented, probably because of me. Where does she get it? Probably because of me. But it's little things, or there's certain fruits she doesn't like, or she doesn't want them for school, or she's not allowed to have a certain snack at school. He wouldn't know that because he doesn't pack the lunches, you know. So it's things like that that I have to send him the pictures, you know, because so it makes it easier for him. And he would much let me tell you, he would much rather have instructions okay on how to do it than having to figure it out. See? Yeah. Who's someone else to judge what works in your house? Yeah, and and I'm okay doing it because at the end of the day, it brings me peace. Even the clothes, they're lined up for two, three days, and it says Tuesday, Wednesday, Friday, because I look at the weather. I look at is it gonna rain? Is it going to be hot? You know, he, I'm not saying he can't look outside, he can't look at the weather, you know, but he's gonna run around in the morning struggling in that sense because he doesn't wake up early the way that I do. I wake up so that I can do those things because it brings me joy, you know. So I lined it up so that it's easier for him and it's easier for them. Because at the end of the day, if it's chaotic and he's gonna lose it and he's gonna get upset, this is how they're gonna go to school. They're gonna be upset. Three of them at that point are gonna be melting. Yeah. And then so I would much rather a smooth morning and transition with everything planned, and he would much rather have it that way too. And if something goes wrong, it's okay to have a meltdown and work through it because I feel like we're always trying to fix things. Yeah, and sometimes prevent, prevent, fix, find a solution. Let me tell you relinquishing control of certain things. First, I haven't dressed my kids since they were able to walk and go in their drawers. Yeah. But relinquishing control as they've got older, it's funny. I'm I'm either do it this way, da-da-da, or I'm like, let's see what happens. Yeah. And it's not a bad place to be. I like both of those places. I would love to be in a place like that because I mean, certain things I've definitely relinquished control for sure. And it is a great place to be in, but it's still 70% that I need to work on, if that makes sense. I think we all have things that we're really good at. And I think we all have things that maybe we could work on. I think like going back to you recognizing that you you grunt as you walk past him sitting down, like, okay, you recognize it. Are you gonna work on it? No, okay, let's move on. What you know what I mean? Yeah, like I just think that's that's part of marriage, yeah. Part of marriage as well, of the things that you're accepting. You know that it's gonna help him to send him pictures and give him instructions. 100%. And that's fantastic, yeah. But also then to bring it back to the village, I think that it could be a very isolating place to be if you don't have a village. And I wonder, is it self-isolation? Is it maybe a little bit of depression? I think it's I don't know about depression because I never went through depression, so I couldn't speak on that topic, but it is for sure, it is for sure isolating because of me. It's not, I'm extremely antisocial with the people that I don't know. It's so funny because you we're so social with each other. Extreme the people that know me and that I love they they would never know that side of me. Yeah. I see it. I would never even think of that side of me. It's like a different, it's like a barrier somewhat. Yeah. You're very specific about who you allow in. And that's why it's I love extremely hard, and I hurt extremely hard when that person gets cut out of my life. And I get that's maybe that's not why you reach out. Maybe that's why you don't reach out for a village. Yeah. Because you it's not just that I think you can reach out. I think trauma from your past. Yeah, I think I'm gonna be let down. Somebody's gonna say you just don't want to put yourself through that again. Yeah, I get that. I think it's as a maybe as an adult, and it's hard because I'm trying to teach my girls to be outgoing and I'm trying to teach them to ask for help when they need help. But I don't. So it's hard because you know, it's it's what is it, teach as I say, do as I no, do as I don't even know. You're asking the wrong person. I got lots of signs, but that isn't one of them. But it's hard because nowhere near that, yet I try to model differently. But I'd like to be in a place where yeah, I have a village. And I don't know if maybe because they're little and I'm not looking for that yet, maybe I'll come later. I wonder if you're not asking for a village. I think it's to do with that, but I wonder if part of it is like if I ask someone and then they ask me and I can't I can't help them in that moment. So I had a well, not hard situation, but I I I told you about it where I felt like uh I was a shitty friend because I couldn't do what they asked me to. But I did offer avenues to remedy it in a different way in that sense. But yeah, I I mean maybe I am afraid of not being able to say yes because I also have two little kids. Right. The right people, the right people that you reach out to, you know, you kind of have to, it's like a garden, you have to weed it. Yeah, uh it's you know, I'll come across people that are fantastic, uh, but we're just not in sync with certain things. Yeah. And then I come across people, and I've known them for years, and I'm like, hey, can you just could you grab my kid? I gotta tell you, when they say yes, it's like, oh amazing. Now I can go on to the next thing that I need to worry about, you know? Yeah. But I also understand for me, like I I have commitment issues, right? So if you ask me five weeks ahead, can you do this on that day? I'm like, oh my God. But if you ask me, hey, I need you in an hour, the kid just had an accident, I'll be right here. Well, you see, I'm the complete opposite. Isn't that crazy? I would rather ask somebody three months in advance because I'm a planner, and because if I'm asking you three months in advance, it's because I truly need it on that day, and I already know that I'm going to need it. And so I would much rather do that than last minute. Because in my mind, if somebody asks me last minute, you won't catch me giving you any help unless you're dying. No, last minute is just not gonna cut it because my kids come first, right? You know, so their comfort comes first. I'm not gonna take them out of their comfort zone to help somebody else. Obviously, if it's an emergency, we're talking completely different things. Right. No, I know, but I I think that's also maybe why I haven't built a village, because I am non-apologetic about you know, if somebody invites us to a birthday party, but it's Sophia's nap time. Yeah, we're not moving nap time for anybody. Some people get offended and I'm sorry. I just that's just that's what I mean by weed in. The people that will get offended at that, yeah, don't understand how you work as a parent, and that's okay. Maybe that's why. But that's why you just maybe that's why you don't have a village. Because you're a planner and I'm a winger. Yeah. So I think that's why we we work perfectly together. I think so. Yeah, yeah. I love it. The only thing I do plan are vacations because we all need something to look forward to. Yeah. But even that, sometimes I wing it. Like, hey, do you do you want to just should we get on a flight? And the girls are like, Yeah. Well, yeah, you can at this point too. Now that they're older. Yeah. Yeah. So, you know, I wonder if people out there, if they've got like a nice strong village and and how do they achieve that village? How do they achieve that village? That's a good question. Yeah, just because I do think that it is from within. I don't think a village a village, village, I don't think a village just happens. Yeah. That's my opinion. I think that it it takes both parties. It it can't happen just one-sided. If I want a village, it's not gonna happen because I want a village, it's gonna happen because other moms are receptive to it of me asking for the help. Right. You have to ask for it. And because I don't ask for it, I don't have a village. No, I listen, I work for it. I know I've worked for it, I've I've people have helped me. And again, it's it's it takes work. Yeah, it takes both things take work. I don't want to say, oh, I have a village and it took work. Like doing it on your own takes work, Jesus. So sometimes you would gotta ask for help, lady. Well, that's what I would love to know. How do you build a village if you are not that kind of person that can ask for help easily? How do you build that village? I would love to know. Yeah, for me, for myself. Yeah. And I think that like wraps it up for the village, right? I think so too. I would. I'd love to hear from other people. Maybe they can give you some tips on how to go to the village. Yes. So you may have a village or you may not have a village, but you're definitely not alone. And you're definitely not done.