The Hidden Cost Of Being The Default Parent

What does it really mean to be the "default parent"?

In this episode, Andrea and Kouelee dive into the invisible responsibilities that often fall on one parent—the mental load, emotional labor, decision-making, and constant availability that come with being the default parent. They discuss how children naturally gravitate toward one parent, why many moms struggle to "clock out," and how carrying the weight of a household can impact marriage, connection, intimacy, and personal identity.

From being touched out and exhausted at the end of the day to navigating resentment, communication breakdowns, and the challenge of trusting your partner to step in, this conversation is an honest look at the realities many parents experience but rarely talk about openly.

Whether you're married, divorced, co-parenting, or simply feeling overwhelmed by the mental load of family life, this episode will remind you that you're not alone.

Timestamps

00:00 – What being the default parent really means

04:30 – Why kids always seem to choose mom first

08:15 – The invisible mental load parents carry

12:00 – Did we unintentionally create the default parent dynamic?

16:30 – The importance of having a strong co-parent

20:45 – Feeling touched out and craving silence over connection

25:30 – How parenting exhaustion impacts marriage and intimacy

30:00 – Resentment, communication, and relationship breakdowns

34:45 – Surviving the toddler years and reconnecting as a couple

38:30 – Choosing a partner: what really matters when life gets hard

42:00 – Trust, reminders, and carrying the mental load

46:00 – Consistency, emotional safety, and why kids keep coming back to mom

Thank you for being here! And remember, you are NOT alone and you are Not done.

xxx Andrea & Kouelee

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Transcript

Speaker 1 0:00

You don't have time to recharge. So at the end of the day, when you're touched out, you're exhausted and you don't want to answer one more fucking question. And then your husband comes in and he's like, hey, and wants to to be intimate or to connect it to you. Like, you just watched me struggle for the last three hours and didn't offer help. So that's where my mind would go. Like I don't want to I don't want to sit with you right now.

Speaker 0:26

But that's I guess that's the hard part of marriage. Because I think it's sense you still nothing, right? But that's what you got married for. It needs to be a white, but it's very hard to do. It's very hard for me to snap. Okay.

Speaker 1 1:01

Hi guys, welcome back to She's Not Done. I'm your host, andrea. I'm Divorced. She is. Um, how are ya?

Speaker 1:13

Good. Good. Feel relaxed. Excited to get into another important conversation today. Um, I think I'm really happy about all the messages we've been getting. That just makes my day.

Speaker 1 1:34

I know from male and female, actually. Yes. You know, fully supporting or relating or they have similar experiences. Yeah.

Speaker 1:45

You know, I I I just love hearing that. Even the uh, you know, we've gotten some comments that were more on the criticism side. Yeah. But even those were just extremely I I guess powerful in a sense that even though maybe they were not meant to be so nice, it was nice in a way that we accepted it for change.

Speaker 1 2:09

Of course.

Speaker 2:10

So I think with criticism comes like improvement.

Speaker 1 2:14

Yeah. If you can't if you can't listen to other people's opinions, then I mean I guess you really shouldn't be doing something like this.

Speaker 3 2:21

Yeah. Oh boy.

Speaker 1 2:23

So yeah, so today is default parent.

Speaker 2:27

Yes. Are you the default parent? I guess it's funny because when I was looking at my notes and writing my notes, it's not common that men are the default parents. I don't know. I automatically assume that it's women.

Speaker 1 2:48

I think the majority is is women, right? I do. Just the I feel like parenting comes more, it's not natural to everybody, but it comes more naturally to women. Right. I think we're quicker at problem solving, we're quicker at emotionally navigating children. Like I think we're just equipped DNA-wise better to handle the kids. So I think the majority is women, but I've seen some pretty incredible default dads out there. Yeah. Default dad, that's a new one. But uh yeah, I mean, I'm the default pair. I was yeah, I always was, even during marriage. And then obviously now 24-7. Thank you, Bubba. He agrees.

Speaker 3:39

I actually had to Google or ask Chad GPT the definition of default parent. Because I wasn't a hundred percent sure as to what it meant. Because in my head I felt like it was default parent means you're just the go-to person that they go to. That your kids go to.

Speaker 1 4:03

Is that not what it means?

Speaker 4:04

Uh no, I guess it means that, but it means also you're the one that carries all the responsibilities, like the appointments, the the calendars, like the the heavy load. Yeah. I didn't know that it also included like the basically the mental load that you're the default parent because you're also carrying responsibility to make sure that everything is taken care of. I thought it was just like the way that I pictured it, default parent is if I'm in the room, Juan is in the room, my kid walks in, it's mommy, right? Even though daddy is here.

Speaker 1 4:42

Yeah, the physical in the moment, in that physical existence, that's where the default parent comes in.

Speaker 4:49

That's what it was. I didn't know it was for everything.

Speaker 1 4:53

I know this is not just me. I know, like there's probably a quatrillion people that can relate to this. I've watched my kids in their younger days walk past their dad and ask me to open something.

Speaker 5:03

Oh, it happens all the time. Straight past him to the point where I even say, Do you not see your dad? Yeah, yeah. And I I think that Juan doesn't understand that because sometimes, and and that's where I guess I get really upset at myself because when I've given all day, I've answered all the questions all day, I've done all the fixing all day, and then Juan is here and they'll come to me asking for a question, and then I'm like, What? Because nothing. Then he notices. No, no, no. He's like, Oh, as in like fix your tone, which is true. Fix my tone as in like I shouldn't be answering like that to my kids in a sense, right? But at the same time, he doesn't see the other 150 times where I've answered normally.

Speaker 1 5:51

He's just picked up on that change of tone.

Speaker 5:53

Yes, and also you're here, and sometimes I just want you to just answer it.

Speaker 1 5:59

So how do you so how do you get from in a marriage, how do you get and I clearly didn't solve this problem. How do you get from him picking up on that, like, oh, there's her tone? How do we how does how do you fix it that like he picks up on that before you get to that point, right? Because by then you're done.

Speaker 6:22

A hundred percent, but it's it's I think for me, it took me having to repeat myself over and over again to my kids, saying, I'm not the only one here. You can go and ask your dad when he was there without telling him that. I want to teach my kids do not always come to me.

Speaker 1 6:46

Yeah.

Speaker 6:48

That's to to depend on their dad, not just me.

Speaker 1 6:52

Yeah, I mean, they depend on him when you go away for for work or away for weekends. So I I know they know they can depend on him, but it like it's just so automatic.

Speaker 3 7:03

Yeah, I don't know.

Speaker 7:04

It's it's funny, but it's also not funny because if we're in the room, right? Let's say we're all sitting together. Sorry, if she asked her dad, Daddy, can I have dessert? And and Dada says yes, for example, she'll still come and ask me, Mommy, is it okay if I have dessert? And I say, Well, did you ask your dad? Yeah, he said yes. But I wanted to ask you, like it's so it's funny, but it's really not because it kind of makes it seem as in You're the authoritarian. And Juan's opinion doesn't matter. So usually every time she says that, I will say, Well, your dad said yes.

Speaker 1 7:45

That's the answer.

Speaker 7:46

Right. What daddy said does correct. Unless it's something where let's say she already had dessert, and then then I say, Well, no. I'm not gonna say, Well, that's what your dad says.

Speaker 1 7:58

Yeah. Because kids are really good at that.

Speaker 8:00

Yeah, yeah. Oh, yeah, 100%.

Speaker 1 8:01

Yeah, they pick up on that real quick. Married or divorced.

Speaker 8:04

Yeah.

Speaker 1 8:05

They can pick up on ways to uh get their little uh I don't want to say manipulation, but it is manipulation.

Speaker 8:16

100%.

Speaker 1 8:17

Emily's gonna be 16 and she still knows exactly how to get what she wants, right? And the little thing, it's funny.

Speaker 8:25

We let them though too.

Speaker 1 8:27

100%. You know, I'm like, no, no, and I'm always the one that when I say no, I mean it. But Emily can get me.

Speaker 3 8:34

Yeah.

Speaker 1 8:35

No, no, no. And then she'll do something, and I'm like, I here you go.

Speaker 8:40

It's yesterday. Sophia is asking me if she can have apple juice. We have like the juice boxes, Donna's juice boxes on the floor. She's like, Can I have apple juice? And I said, No, absolutely not. And I walk out of the room, I come back, and what is she doing? She has scissors in her hands, and she's trying to detach the straw from the pack because she couldn't pull it off, I guess. She's trying to cut it off.

Speaker 1 9:09

I like her problem solving.

Speaker 9:10

I do too. I think that was I was I stood there because I was actually amazed, you know? And I stood there and she unpacks the straw and she actually pushes it in. And you know, when when they're full, like at the beginning, like and you squeeze, like half of it spills out. Right. And she watches it spill out, and then she goes like this underneath to get the to the straw so that she drinks it, she drinks it, and then she sees me. Keeps on drinking. I love her. And at this point, I didn't know if I should congratulate her for opening it or be mad that I said send no.

Speaker 1 9:52

Both. Why not both?

Speaker 9:54

So yeah, after that, she said, Mommy, can I have dessert? And I said, No, because you already had your sugar. I told you that you shouldn't have an apple juice, and you just decided to have one. And she said, I really didn't mean to. Oh, yes, you 100% meant to.

Speaker 1 10:12

I watched you, you did.

Speaker 10:13

And I said, by the way, good job on opening it.

Speaker 1 10:16

I'll say very good. Yeah, we gotta point out the good. We have to point out the positive, not just the negative. Yeah, yeah. Good job using the scissors, sweetheart, on something you was absolutely not supposed to have. Proud of you.

Speaker 10:29

I was, I was actually really proud of her.

Speaker 1 10:31

Yeah, it's a great moment. See, they can do it when they have to. Yeah. But yeah, I uh I don't know how to get past the whole default parent thing. Uh, it's like once it's programmed that way, is that how it's gonna be forever?

Speaker 10:43

Yeah, well, one of the questions that I had was do you think that us women or whoever is the default parent, we created that unintentionally. Ah, because if I think about it, being a default parent means that somehow, somehow, you wanted that control of being in charge.

Speaker 1 11:05

Or you just want to, you're you're like, oh my gosh, it's made it's being chosen. Oh my gosh, they love me, they need me, not me.

Speaker 11:13

No, no, I well, I never looked at it that way. When I think about default parent, I feel like it's some way, somehow, at every step, I inserted myself, right, made a decision versus Juan making one. And so that's why it became that way.

Speaker 1 11:35

And that's what I've touched on on my notes as well, like allowing the other parent, whether it's the mom or the dad, to parent and not step it in. I know for me, as a mom, I always want to fix it. I want to find a solution. I need to, well, let me just do it because it's done. But I don't remember being like that when they were little. Like I was a stay-at-home mom for a while, so it was just me at home in the day. And then dad would come home, but they were just attached to me.

Speaker 12:05

So is it b because of that then?

Speaker 1 12:08

Maybe that's because they've just seen you more? I don't know. I don't know the sign science behind it, and I don't have another another example to to even compare it to. So, because I've only done this, yeah. This, I've only done this once, right? So I will say being able to step back and say, let them figure it out, you also need a stronger co-parent. Yeah. And if the co-parent's not strong enough to say, I'm gonna figure this out, leave mommy alone, or I'm gonna figure it out, let's pretend, yeah, I'm gonna figure it out, leave daddy alone, right? Yeah, but if you don't have that strong co-parent that says, no, we're gonna do this together, yeah, it's never gonna change.

Speaker 12:56

Yeah, and it's like that reel that you sent me the other day, where the woman is hiding behind a kitchen counter eating her pasta, yes, and the kids are saying, Mommy, mommy, mommy, and that is like mommy's not here. I don't know where she went, but she's not here. Yeah, leave her alone. 100%. And Juan does that now.

Speaker 1 13:15

I love that.

Speaker 13:16

Like when when I say I'm going upstairs, or at least he tries because Sophia will someway somehow find her way upstairs, but I do hear him, you know, saying, Sophia, come downstairs, mommy's not here, you know, things like that.

Speaker 1 13:30

Yeah, that's fantastic. Yeah, yeah. And it's definitely I wonder because I see a similar dynamic with firstborn, secondborn, because it was the same with my second. She didn't want anyone to hold her or or or take care of her. She wanted to be with me. Yeah. But I feel like not having a strong co-parent probably added to that, right? Like I watched another reel of a of a mom was explaining what her husband does. So when the kids, no, no, I want mommy, and he's like, I know, I love mommy too. Or you know, yes, or like, oh my God, I really want mommy. And then and then he starts doing a funky dance. He's like, but can mom do this? It's like you have to be strong enough to be confident in your parenting to say, you know what, we're gonna figure it out. Yeah. And when you don't have that and you're completely the default parent, that's when it then leads to the snapping at the end of the day, the exhaustion uh when you're constantly on, never having a break. We all love our kids, but we all need a break.

Speaker 14:34

Yeah. I just sometimes like wish that you know, I feel like the the default parent also means that you're never clocking out, you're always on call. And so to me, having that makes me crave silence versus romance, if that makes sense. Right. Yeah, because I'm constantly being asked questions, or even just constantly, you know, being touched, or constantly, you know, mommy this, mommy that. At the end of the night, my bucket is so full of being talked to or being touched that I just want silence.

Speaker 1 15:19

Yeah.

Speaker 15:19

I can't talk to anyone. And so I think that men have a hard time understanding that. I know Juan definitely has a hard time understanding that he'll he'll let me, you know, be by myself and all that. But for him, it's like, so what about me now?

Speaker 1 15:34

So this is where resentment sets in. I for me, anyway, I don't know, but the I called it being touched out, yeah. The constant and again, I loved, love, love, love raising my kids. And I love being there and I love being available to them. However, you need your own space, you need your own time to recharge. So at the end of the day, when you're touched out, you're exhausted and you don't want to answer one more fucking question.

Speaker 2 16:00

Yeah.

Speaker 1 16:00

And then your husband comes in and he's like, hey, and wants to to be intimate or connected to you. Uh like you just watched me struggle for the last three hours and didn't offer help.

Speaker 2 16:13

Yeah.

Speaker 1 16:13

So that's where my mind would go. Yeah. Like I don't want to, I don't want to sit with you right now. Yeah.

Speaker 16:19

But that's the I guess that's the hard part of marriage because in a sense, you still not that you have to, right? But that's what you got married for. There needs to be a way. But it's very hard to cross that bridge when you're there, right? So when I'm at that point where I'm touched out or I don't want to be talked to, it's very hard for me to snap back and be like, okay, be present for your husband.

Speaker 1 16:45

Yeah.

Speaker 16:46

I I don't know how people do that. I really truly do not think about it. I think it's if if somebody knows and has tips on that, because I just don't. Give the tips to Corey. I don't need them.

Speaker 1 16:58

You're past that already. But it's it these are all things I think that maybe people don't maybe people don't talk about. Like I remember the feeling of not wanting to talk to my part like my husband.

Speaker 17:11

And it's not because I don't love him. I just don't want to talk to anyone. Anybody. Anyone. I don't want to talk to I don't want to respond to a text message, to a phone call. I just want to be in peace. Yeah. I want to zone out. Anyone talking to me, and I want to do nothing.

Speaker 1 17:26

It's the noise. Yeah. It is the noise in the head. Yeah. Yeah. So I I I don't know what the solution is.

Speaker 17:34

I really I don't know either.

Speaker 1 17:36

I I I will say it is part of what all of the things that we talk about, the exhaustion, the mental load, the the default parent, all of these things contributed to the end of my marriage. Yeah. All of them. Like would one of them no? Would this one no? But when you put all of it together and the lack of communication and the it's it it leads to it leads to problems in in your in your partnership. And I wonder, I do, I'd love to hear from people if if you get to that point and you can come back from that. Because I feel like I couldn't come back from that. Like once I got to that point, I was done.

Speaker 18:17

Yeah.

Speaker 1 18:18

I wonder if anybody, you know, it's hard, but here's the thing, right?

Speaker 18:24

Because I don't know how to do it myself. Right? Juan doesn't know how to do it. And you've never been here before. And also, I'm also not gonna take advice from him when it comes to that because you know nothing about that. You know nothing about being touched out, you know nothing about maybe not nothing, but you don't know the mental load that I carry. So how am I gonna take advice from someone that's never been in my shoes? It's like somebody owns a company, and why would I take advice from someone who's only been an employee? Yeah, I can't. It's not that I I don't want to, I I can't. It makes no sense. So the only person that I can take advice from would be who? A therapist?

Speaker 1 19:14

A therapist? Somebody that another woman that's gone through it, that's gone through it and is on the other end. Yeah, like what kind of things can you do? Again, you have to be a strong co-parent. I mean, listen, I don't live in your house, yeah, but I do watch one be f like full on. Yeah, he distracts them, he he he keeps them busy. You know what? Like he is present.

Speaker 19:41

A hundred percent. But that that still doesn't take away the fact that you're default, I'm the default parent, and at the end of the day, I'm still finished mentally, physically, and so I want to get past it where I at the end of the day I don't feel like that. But how do I not feel like that when it's just me until the end of the night? Yeah, that's why I remember when we had that conversation, you asked me like I don't remember what's one thing that you do like to get recharged, or I don't remember, but it's or it's it's him being home when you're just home at the end of the night and and is able to help me put them to sleep, for example. That gives me that five minutes where I'm like, okay, I have five minutes by myself before I fall asleep.

Speaker 1 20:31

And then you also tag him in. So when when do you make the time for each other? Yeah, you know, because he comes home and you're like, oh thank god, let me go do something on my own, or you know, and then and then by the time he's done, even coming to connect with you, it's it's there's just no chance. These are the things I think marriage is when I'm at that point of thank God he's here, yeah, there's no after.

Speaker 20:56

You know what I'm saying? Like it's it's it I think that would help what would help is if I'm not at that point and he comes home and is hands-on, right? Because if I'm if I'm already there, nothing is gonna make it, nothing is gonna bring me back.

Speaker 1 21:18

But if you're able to do all those things together and work as a team, yeah, and I think maybe that's where and I think as as well certain marriages that survive toddler years and and and get into teenagers, and then it shifts from toddlers needing to be hands-on and touched and picked up and helped to sports, drop off, pick up, and you're in different places. I feel like you either grow together and you work out, or or you just I I completely agree on this.

Speaker 21:51

I think that if you survive the years where your kids need you the most physically and mentally, which is the toddler years. Right, because right now Adriana is six, she still needs me. I'm still the default parent for her, but it's not as much as Sophia, right?

Speaker 3 22:07

Yeah.

Speaker 22:07

I think if you get past that and there may be six, seven. Six, seven. God. It needs to stop. Yeah. Yeah. Why did I even say that? Um eight, nine. Eight, nine, forty-one. It's 41 now. No, it's not. Seven. 41. Why is it stop it? I have is that a thing?

Speaker 1 22:29

It is a thing. It's not. It has to not be.

Speaker 22:32

100%. Anyways, if as parents you get past that, even if you're on opposite ends of the street, but you made it through that, I think, yeah, after that you have a chance of reconnecting. There is time to reconnect. There's time to not be mentally physically patched out.

Speaker 1 23:01

Yeah.

Speaker 23:02

I think at that point, yeah, you can reconnect. It's either that or you're going your separate ways.

Speaker 1 23:09

But it's funny because you say how I I I'm not going to take advice for someone who's not been in those shoes. So when I think about marriages and making it past that, right? Or getting to the other end, I wouldn't even know what that looks like.

Speaker 23:25

Yeah.

Speaker 1 23:25

I just know where I got to.

Speaker 23:27

Yeah. Yeah. But you but you can only hear it from somebody that got to the other side. Yeah. Because in that same age, age group, right? Because what how old were the girls when you guys got divorced?

Speaker 1 23:42

So I mean, listen, I've been in my in my process, I've been separated for a long time before the divorce process even started. I think women leave a long time before they actually leave. So I mean, I've lived alone with my girls for five years.

Speaker 24:02

Yeah. So they were then 11. Okay. 11.

Speaker 1 24:07

When the but when it started, yeah, she was like, she would have been nine.

Speaker 24:11

Right. So you would have to find someone that around that same age went through the same things. Yeah. Because I think that it's even different. If I was going through it and I and and and I make it, right? And let's say they're they're four and they're they're six. Four or five years from now, it could look completely different. Yeah.

Speaker 1 24:33

You know, I feel like this is one of those things that you don't think about when you're young and you're getting married and you're having kids, but it's so important to so I don't know what it looks like the other side when you've got past that. I only know what it what how I got to my divorce, how my marriage didn't work anymore, right?

Speaker 24:52

One thing that I have noticed is parents who have older children seem to be happier in a couple than parents who have little children. Anytime I see parents that have little children, they all seem the same. Tense, out of touch when they have little children. Parents who have older children, 10, 15, it's like I must admit, back together.

Speaker 1 25:19

Yeah, they learn to probably go with the flow and they've fell into their groove and it got a bit easier and more independent. But this is why it's so important when you pick your partner. How does someone you can go away with someone and have a holiday and do weekends and it's fantastic, right? But how does your and live with someone? But how does your partner react to emergencies, stressful situations, chaos? Because let's be honest, those three are the things that like when you're raising a family, stressful chaos. That's that's you know what I mean.

Speaker 25:53

How how can you know that before you pick your partner because nine times out of ten, when you do pick your partner, you have those pink glasses on and you see none of those red flags. Yeah, oh when you're in love, you're in love for whatever reason you're in love with, you don't see any of that. You have not lived with that person, you have no clue how they are. There should be a checklist. I think so too.

Speaker 1 26:18

We should come up with a checklist on a date night of how do these things yeah, how do these, you know, how does he react in an emergency? What happened how is he when you're sick?

Speaker 26:28

Yeah, or like you should because at the end of the day, and this is why I think husbands make jokes like that of to someone that's not married, oh yeah, wait until you're married. Because wives change, women change, men change 100%, and it should be like that.

Speaker 1 26:46

And if you don't change together and you don't ride that shit out, you become resentful and divorced. Yeah. Right? Like resentful in your marriage. I don't mean you're divorced and resentful, but like you become resentful and it doesn't work because you gotta get you gotta get through that shit together. And I don't know how to like how I can emphasize that more, but uh, to me, the money doesn't matter. To me, the house and the car doesn't matter. Like those things, yes, I want a roof over my head and food in my belly, but how are you in an emergency? How are you when I'm absolutely tapped out? Yeah, how are you when the the chaos is the shit has hit the fan, the baby's pooped up its back, and the toddler's running down the road with you know, half dressed? Like, how do you handle that? Yeah, that's what I want to know.

Speaker 27:35

Yeah, but even that, how would you know if they haven't had kids before? I know. It's just it's so hard. I think that the only thing we can do is work on it. Yeah, and if it doesn't work, get divorced. Well, do therapy fast. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Let's go through the yeah, go through the process. But I'm saying, like, if you you have to, because there is no way you're gonna know your partner before you're married. Either way, I feel like I don't know someone, or I didn't know Juan fully until I became a mom and he became a dad.

Speaker 1 28:13

Yeah.

Speaker 28:14

And then to live together without and even if you see red flags then, you're still like, okay, he might change, or she might change.

Speaker 1 28:25

Or maybe we can get through this.

Speaker 28:26

Right.

Speaker 1 28:27

That's so that's where communication comes in, right? Like, hey, I'm really unhappy in what's happening here. What can we do about it? Or how are you fit? You know what I mean? I guess it's all a learning curve, and that's the same with default parent. I guess a strong, confident partner that's like, I'm gonna handle the kids no matter what comes up.

Speaker 28:47

Yeah. The one thing that I will say that's absolutely amazing about Juan is that he has no problem taking them places. I could never.

Speaker 1 28:58

Oh, he takes them everywhere.

Speaker 28:59

Yeah, I could never. You take them anywhere? Yeah. I full on panic.

Speaker 1 29:07

Oh, so like going out for you is not fun. No reading at home, playing, doing all the cooking dinner, that's you're good. But make you go out.

Speaker 29:16

Taking them somewhere, I just I I don't know how to handle it. Yeah. I I think that it's just because I get overstimulated very easily. So if you put me in a mix with other people in an environment where there's other people or kids running around and screaming and yelling, I I don't do well with that. I get very overwhelmed. So that's enjoyable. It's definitely not enjoyable for me or for them because I'm like, don't do that with my test. You know, that's how I get because I'm very overstimulated.

Speaker 1 29:51

Yeah. Yeah. You're highly sensitive. I definitely gotta get better at highly sensitive to noise and people. Extremely sensitive to noise. Well, you don't have to get better at that. Maybe that's one thing, and he can carry on doing that, and you can sit home and read a book. That's what I do. You don't have to go to the park and be with other parents.

Speaker 30:08

But I do because I feel like then what?

Speaker 1 30:10

I'm I'm not yellow. But that's great though. It's great that that that you know your limits and he knows his.

Speaker 30:17

And it's every time we come home from school, Sophia, mommy, CVS, that's where daddy takes me. And I'm like, yeah, I would never. You're lucky. We're straight home. Yeah.

Speaker 1 30:32

It's your safe place.

Speaker 30:33

It is.

Speaker 1 30:34

And you're out all day and you're with people all day, and they're not always the easiest of people. So you know, yeah. Yeah.

Speaker 30:42

So well, one thing that I also wanted to know is what's something you carry mentally that no one notices until you stop.

Speaker 1 30:55

I can't think of one thing.

Speaker 30:58

I feel like my brain is constantly if if there's something that you do for the girls, and then you stop doing it.

Speaker 1 31:12

I'm sorry, I'm laughing. Because if I don't do it, nobody does it. It doesn't get done. Right. So everything, right? But what do you well?

Speaker 31:25

But that's the that's that's that's the case because you also don't have another person, right? So if I stopped making them breakfast, Juan would have to. Right. If I decided I am no longer on breakfast duty, you do it.

Speaker 1 31:42

Yeah, I don't have that. So that I'm laughing. I'm so sorry. I don't mean to laugh. But I'm like, I'm thinking, well, what but they're getting older, right? So the dynamic is changing.

Speaker 3 31:53

Yeah.

Speaker 1 31:53

So I don't need we have learned to adjust without another person in the house.

Speaker 32:00

But also, yeah, if if if let's say I stopped making their doctors' appointments, oh, they wouldn't go to the doctors.

Speaker 1 32:09

Never. Here's the thing touching on that, it's not about kids. Yeah, but I stopped making date nights. We never went on another date.

Speaker 32:18

Yeah.

Speaker 1 32:19

So in in that side of things, yeah. I that's why we've touched on this before. It's very hard to reprogram yourself to trust someone else when they say I've got that. Yeah. I had it recently. No, no, I'm gonna I'm gonna fix that. And I'm like, wait, what? You're you're gonna do it, but are you? But are you really?

Speaker 32:36

Well, but that's the thing, right? Because and and and I get into those phases with Juan too, because he gets mad if I ask him something again. Did you do this? Did you do this? Yes, I always do it. That's his answer. And he knows I get mad, and that's why he says I always do it. And I was like, well, no, if you would always do it, then I wouldn't ask you. That's your love language right there. Yeah, you know, arguate. But that's that's that's what it is, you know. Because along the way, if you didn't do it, that's why I'm asking. I'm not asking you to be annoying, I'm asking you because there was one time you didn't do it and I needed it done. Now I couldn't trust you with that again, knowing whether or not it was going to be done. So that that's what Bill is not because I want to be a bitch.

Speaker 1 33:25

Right.

Speaker 33:26

I just need to know it's going to get done. And because that one time you forgot, it's not about me telling you, well, that one time you forgot. But in a sense, yeah. But you did. So I'm trying to make sure that it will get done this time.

Speaker 1 33:38

Your security in him, trusting him that he's gonna do it is what is what you're lacking.

Speaker 33:44

Yeah.

Speaker 1 33:44

You you don't believe it.

Speaker 33:46

And also he forgets things, and that's normal.

Speaker 1 33:49

Yeah.

Speaker 33:49

You know, and that has happened. There was time forgotten things. I don't think so. But that's because I'm the default parent. And if I if I do forget, the guilt is immense.

Speaker 1 34:03

Oh my gosh, I know. I forgot some. Oh my I it I don't know if they feel the guilt like we feel the guilt. For instance. I don't think so. There's this okay, you're talking about if you don't do it, what happens? Yeah. There was a point in the in our marriage where I would go to work when he came home, right? So I'd open a hot the hot yoga studio at night time. I left at four, I got back at 10. They were still exactly in the same place, they were toddlers, sitting in the exact same place behind him whilst he was working from home. Now he'd been to work, come home, he was on, right? He was now the default parent. And he hadn't taken care of they hadn't eaten, they hadn't moved, they hadn't drunk. So I know a lot of other relationships would be like, well, that was his time and that's his issue. But I remember being so outright, like I couldn't believe that and they weren't old enough to go get themselves food, you know what I mean? And they were just sitting there like hungry and and and so that never happened again.

Speaker 3 35:13

Yeah.

Speaker 35:14

So now the one the those the one thing that they forget becomes another task for us to never forget again.

Speaker 1 35:21

And another even though we say we shouldn't, I don't care. I d you remember these things, and it's another little like niche out of out of the out of the I don't I like you less now. That's the only way I can say it. I like you less now. I couldn't even rely on you to do that while I was gone. I just I don't I didn't I like you less. I don't know how else to say it. Like it it slowly makes you fall out of love with that person because you're so tired and so deflated. And when you finally let go, and it doesn't I mean I don't want to say it doesn't go the way you plan, but you just need to feed the kids. Yeah. The frustration and the sadness that that and I that's how I I I would say I was really angry in the moment, and then I was really sad. Yeah.

Speaker 36:13

Because now every time I go to work at night, you have to worry about another fucking thought, right? Like you have to worry about I can't just happen. Yeah, I think being said, yeah. No, I don't and then you become that person. Hey, did they eat? And that's exactly what I'm just gonna say. You're they're looking at you like you're fucking annoying, or like let me parent. Or they're relying on you at that point to remind them.

Speaker 1 36:38

So no matter what I do in that situation, there is no winning. Yeah, I'm already thinking about what you didn't do. What I that's that's the only way I can explain it is and guess what, right?

Speaker 36:53

To play devil's advocate when you're saying you like them less with that, they probably like you a lot less too when you keep reminding them. Probably if I'm putting myself in that situation, right? Juan probably is like, well, like her a lot less now because I'm fucking annoying and I keep saying, Hey, did you do this? Did you do this? I don't want to be your mom. I don't want to manage you. Right. Do you think I wake up in the morning and say, All right, kids, including husband, this is what's what's happening today?

Speaker 1 37:31

And can I tell you what's really unsexy? You treat me like I'm your mom. Not just me treating you like I'm your child, but you treating me like I'm your mom. Yeah, like if I have to remind you to do these adult things, I now feel like I have another child. And I remember saying that in my marriage. It is not sexy. Yeah, it does not make me want you when you treat me like I'm your mother.

Speaker 3 37:57

Yeah.

Speaker 1 37:57

In any shape or form.

Speaker 3 37:59

Yeah.

Speaker 1 37:59

That's not cute for me.

Speaker 3 38:00

Yeah.

Speaker 1 38:01

So when you drop your laundry on the floor expecting so I'm not your mom.

Speaker 3 38:05

Yeah.

Speaker 1 38:05

Right? Like when I have to remind you that this is due or your fit kids need feeding, you're that's not sexy. Yeah.

Speaker 38:13

And it comes to a point too where it's like, and I don't remember why I saw it, where it said it said something along the lines where no, you're an adult. Like get that shit fixed. It's not cute. It's not cute.

Speaker 1 38:28

Figure it out. And and like you just said, maybe acting that way and getting to the point where I'm just fucking done.

Speaker 2 38:34

Yeah.

Speaker 1 38:34

Now I'm not cute. Now I'm not sexy. Yeah. Now I'm just annoying, which I totally understand. Right. I'm I'm annoyed by my own voice telling you 100% to pick your shit up. So it's it's like that circle. I'm not sitting here saying, you didn't do that, you didn't like I know that that becomes a breakdown in your marriage, and you both just don't like each other. Yeah.

Speaker 39:00

Wow, yeah, yeah.

Speaker 1 39:01

It's not just me not liking him. I uh you're right. I'm pretty sure.

Speaker 39:05

It's it goes both ways.

Speaker 1 39:06

Yeah, you sure that it wasn't enjoyable for either of us at that point, right? And then nobody wants to nobody wants to be told what they're doing wrong. Yeah. Ever. So I don't know how we got past uh we got off the default parent, but I think this is what happens though, right?

Speaker 39:28

Like it's not thinking it's it's I I think that everyone can relate with it, you know what I mean? And I think that it is part of the default parent. Every the emotions of a default parent.

Speaker 1 39:40

So I think going back to that as well, like you were saying, did we create it, or is it, you know, is it how does it become that? But I think kids also pick up on who's emotionally available, who do they feel safe with? It's not necessarily that you have an unsafe parent, but who comforts me more? Who genuinely can just make me feel better?

Speaker 40:06

Yeah, you know, I uh I don't want to cry, but I remember I feel like it's coming. We're sitting in bed one night and she said to me, Mommy, do you know why I love you? And she said to me, and I said, No, why do you love me? She said, Because you're the only one that understands all the feelings that I have. See, that is yeah in that moment you don't feel touched out. But I am telling you that was probably a moment where I was like, I'm a good mom.

Speaker 1 40:45

Yes, yeah, that means you've been validating her, you've been responding to her.

Speaker 40:50

Here's the thing because I could be very rough with my kids, right? Or very stern, but I also call it consistent. One thing that I am with them is consistent. I'm consistent with all my feelings, I'm consistent with how I I I parent. And I think that because sometimes I feel like like you said, when you hear yourself saying those things, or when you're rough, or when you're you're stern or whatever the case may be, I feel like I sound like a bitch to them and they're gonna remember me like that. But then every single night, I still get the mommy, I love you so much. You're the best mom on earth. And so I take it back to consistency because I've been since they were born consistent on every single level. They feel uh they don't feel like me being stern with them is me hating them or me. No, but I could see this is what goes on in my head. In my head, they hate me when I'm like that, which I'm sure they don't like it.

Speaker 1 41:59

I think you just hate yourself when you're like that.

Speaker 42:01

Oh, 100%. But that's how I see it because I'm thinking they probably hate me in that moment. But at the end of every night, it never fails. I am still their safe place, and I attribute that to being consistent. I'm extremely consistent. I completely agree. And I love consistent parents. I absolutely love watching consistent parents. Kids don't want to guess.

Speaker 1 42:30

Yeah. Like they play they like playing guessing games and they like like, you know, surprises, but kids don't want to guess how you're gonna react to their feelings. Yeah, they don't want to come home and wonder what what mood their parents in. They don't want you walking through the door and like, is your is there, is the house mood gonna change once daddy walks in the door? Like, even though nothing is visible or chewable in that moment, kids feel it.

Speaker 2 43:02

Yeah.

Speaker 1 43:03

And and consistency is key. They know exactly what they're getting, they know exactly how they and not just like consistency like that, like they know their boundaries, they know consistently they come to mom, and it's gonna be okay. Yeah. And I think that's where the default parent comes in. And again, not all mums, but for you, that's what happens. I know for me, they feel emotionally heard, right? They feel validated, they feel unconditionally loved. And I get into it with my teenagers, and I say no, and and they don't like me, and I'm like, that's okay. That means I'm doing something right. You I know that you love me and I love you. You don't have to like me every minute. Yeah, but this is what's happening. And consistent, you're right, consistency.

Speaker 43:52

Yeah.

Speaker 1 43:53

And it's all the way through. It's not just today, it's not just in that moment, it's not just because I'm in a good mood that I'm consistent, it's not just because I got that deal done that I'm gonna be happy. Yeah, it's consistently my emotions are clear, yeah. Yeah, the boundaries are clear, and they know where to go to, and that's why you get I love you's every night. Yeah. Yeah. I'm not saying dads can't do that, I just think in our case, that's that's how dads can.

Speaker 44:28

Oh, yeah. You know, again, praying consistently.

Speaker 1 44:35

Yeah, it's team effort. If you're not working as a team, yeah, but it's funny how you can build things up in your mind, right? Like you were saying, like they they hate me because they heard this and this, and they don't remember that. But yeah, we build these things up in our minds, and we're certain of it. I'm certain that she's so mad at me right now because I I forgot this off about that, and by the end of the day, they forgot. All they know is mum was home, she cooked dinner, and she read me this door before I went to bed.

Speaker 45:05

It might be the default parent.

Speaker 1 45:09

But you're not alone.