She's Not Done

Why Couples Keep Having the Same Fight Over and Over

• Kouelee & Andrea • Season 1 • Episode 12

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0:00 | 37:41

Why do we fight about the cup in the sink, the forgotten text message, the dirty laundry, or someone being five minutes late? The truth is… most arguments are never about the actual thing we’re arguing about.

In this episode of She’s Not Done, Andrea and Kouelee dive into the hidden meaning behind small fights in relationships and why tiny moments can create huge emotional reactions. They talk about how repeated behaviors can make someone feel unheard, unimportant, or like their needs don’t matter.

From the mental load of managing a household to the frustration of feeling like your time isn’t respected, they unpack how resentment builds when communication breaks down. They discuss the difference between a one-time mistake and a repeated pattern, why apologies without change can become exhausting, and how couples can learn to separate the action from the meaning they attach to it.

They also explore compromise in marriage, accepting the things about your partner that may never change, and knowing the difference between something you can lovingly accept and something that continues to hurt you.

Because sometimes it’s not about the cup in the sink. It’s about what that cup represents.

This episode is a conversation about communication, resentment, emotional triggers, partnership, and finding your way back after conflict.

Chapters / Timestamps

00:00 — Introduction: Why We Fight Over Small Things
Andrea and Kouelee introduce the topic of communication breakdown and why small arguments often represent something deeper.

02:30 — It’s Not About the Cup in the Sink
Why everyday frustrations are usually about feeling unsupported, unseen, or unheard.

06:45 — When Repeating Yourself Creates Resentment
The emotional impact of asking for the same thing over and over again.

10:30 — When Being Late Feels Like Disrespect
How time, reliability, and broken expectations can affect trust in a relationship.

14:30 — Is It the One Minute… or All the Minutes Before?
Why small moments can trigger big emotions when they represent a pattern.

18:30 — Learning to Manage Your Own Emotions
Taking responsibility for your reactions while still acknowledging your partner’s behavior matters.

21:45 — The Mental Load and “Helping” vs Doing Your Part
Why household responsibilities are about partnership, not one person helping another.

25:30 — Different Backgrounds, Different Expectations in Marriage
How culture, childhood, and family dynamics shape how we communicate.

29:00 — When Do You Accept Someone or Decide You’re Done?
Understanding unconditional love, compromise, and when repeated issues become too much.

32:00 — Finding Your Way Back After a Fight
How couples repair after conflict and rebuild connection.

35:00 — Communication Breakdown: You’re Not Alone
Final thoughts on conflict, growth, and remembering that relationships take work.

Thank you for being here! And remember, you are NOT alone and you are Not done.

xxx Andrea & Kouelee


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SPEAKER_01

Repeatedly, repeatedly. That to me just screams that I'm not I'm not important. And I don't care what excuse you come up with. Oh there was traffic, or there was this you you're consistently late.

SPEAKER_00

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01

Consistently. So now I'm late, like you said. And I don't want to feel like that driving to my job after being with the kids all day.

SPEAKER_00

And then you not only that. And then you feel like you're not up in your end. My commitment. Correct? And then you're being looked at oh, she's not feeling reliable. You're not reliable.

SPEAKER_01

I'm the person that comes up five minutes late to your job, and you're like, why is she late?

SPEAKER_02

Hi guys, welcome back to She's Not Done. I'm your host, Andrea, and I'm your host, Cauley. I am divorced and I'm still married.

SPEAKER_01

Hi. So today is a topic I think everybody could probably relate to some way or another on communication breakdown.

SPEAKER_00

And why we f fight over the small things.

SPEAKER_01

Yeah. So my belief is, and I've always said this, is that the small things are the big things.

SPEAKER_00

Yeah. I mean, because at the end of the day, I think that if you add up all the small things, you know, all the little pieces, all the little crumbs, it builds up to a really big thing.

SPEAKER_01

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00

You know, and I think that deep down, we don't fight about the small things. It's not the small things. I so here's here's my take on it, right? If there's a cup in the sink, I'm just giving you like a small example. There's a cup in the sink, and I get pissed off about a cup in the sink because let's say I had cleared up the dishes or whatever, and the cup ends up in the sink or it's on the counter, whatever the case may be. I'm not upset about the fucking cup. I'm upset at the fact that I feel like I'm not getting the help. That's what I'm upset. I don't get upset about, all right, the trash wasn't taken out, or this wasn't done, or whatever the case may be. All these things, in my mind at least, mean something else. You know? Like, let's say You can hear me. Let's say I'm sending a text message. I have a question. Obviously, let's say Juan is not busy, or he's just ignoring my question, right? Because he's he is busy and he he dismissed my first question, right? And answered a different one, or whatever the case may be. Or I'll get to it later in his head. In my head, it's I don't matter enough for you to pay attention. Yeah. So I'm not it it's not those things that matter in in a sense, it's what it means for me. What what does it translate to in my head, right? Because I don't get upset about a a cup. I get up or unless it's something that's again repetitive, right? Something that happens over and over again. But again, it's not the actual thing that's gonna upset me. It's the fact that I keep repeating myself. You're not caring enough to hear me.

SPEAKER_01

Yeah. Or you know, or to to maybe do that thing that you've asked for or requested numerous times or said, you know what, this really bothers me when you do that. And then if someone redoes it, it that to me is like a kick in the face.

SPEAKER_02

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01

To me, it's not the cup either, by the way. And I've even had this conversation, it's not just partners, I've had this conversation with my kids. Yeah, yeah. Like you've had a full day, you come back, you clean up, I cleaned up, I get everything away, and I'm like, okay, now I can like relax and do, you know, get myself sorted. And then the you know, the cup and the bowl and everything goes in the sink. I'm like, that to me, it's not about the cup and the bowl. It's to me that feels like fuck you, you can do it.

SPEAKER_02

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah.

SPEAKER_01

Because uh, you just see that I cleaned it up and everything's done.

SPEAKER_00

Obviously, I don't the thing is, I don't think that whether it's the kids or the partner, I don't think they think about it that way. I don't think that, all right, I'm gonna put it in the sink. Fuck you.

SPEAKER_01

I you know what I mean. 100% agree with you.

SPEAKER_00

And I do it too, right? So I will clean up everything or Juan will clean up everything, and then I have a coffee and I just put it in the sink.

SPEAKER_01

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00

I I I think it's just like we do that. It it's not, it's not as in like, fuck you. It's just I'm just too lazy to put it in the and it sounds so ridiculous that we're talking about a cup in the sink.

SPEAKER_01

Yeah, but it's not again, it's not about the cup in the sink, it's about hearing me.

SPEAKER_00

Yeah, it's the communication behind it. Yeah. What does it mean? You know, like beyond the actual task.

SPEAKER_01

And I don't understand if you tell someone something even once, how they do it again, even two or three times, I don't understand that. I I can't comprehend as a partnership. If I'm telling you this really upsets me, why would you do it again? And I don't mean like I don't mean like, oh, it really upsets me when you go to a work function, because you have to go to work. I don't mean those things. I mean like if I'm telling you we're at home or these things really upset, or when you're late, it really upsets me when you're late. Yeah. I had a lot of that in the house. I'll I'll be back at six and it's like 7:30, and I'm like, he said six. I know he said six. So now it's like it's like I am irrelevant, yeah, right? That's how I feel irrelevant when I've told you something multiple times. We've discussed it. So after that, what do you do after that?

SPEAKER_02

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01

For me, I started shutting down, but like I don't know, I'm sure there's marriages out there that just continue on that path, but like that to me is exhausting.

SPEAKER_00

It it is extremely exhausting. And I think that again, we're wired differently. Things that upset us won't upset them.

SPEAKER_01

But if you've communicated that that upsets you, if one said to you, it really upsets me that when I get in the door at eight o'clock at night, you you know, you immediately start asking me to do things. Would you not c would you not like stop and and think about that when he walks in the door?

SPEAKER_00

Yeah, I mean it would probably would never happen again. But again, I think it's because I don't know, we're wired differently. I encountered this at work numerous times in a work environment where you work with many men. I say, you know, this is how it needs to be done, and it doesn't get done. It gets done once or twice. It we do it for one week and then it stops. You know what I mean? I think that they're just wired differently. I I I don't know. I don't know what it is, but like the fact that you mentioned, like, for example, being late. One thing that is one of my biggest pet peeves is tardiness. I have a hard time with that because I respect everyone's time. Always. It I probably can count on my one hand the the times I have been late, whether it's to work or somewhere else. Because I make sure that if I'm telling you I'm gonna be there at three o'clock, I'm gonna be there at three o'clock. I'm gonna do everything that I need to do so that I can make sure I'll I'm there at three o'clock. Kids are no kids, that's just how I am. So, for example, in the mornings, right? Juan comes downstairs at seven o'clock because that's when I go for a walk with Baba. When he's not downstairs at seven o'clock, I'm immediately pissed off, even if it's seven oh one. Right. And I know to a lot of people, it's like, what the fuck is wrong with you?

SPEAKER_01

No, I get it.

SPEAKER_00

I get it. It's not the 701. It something in me clicks that just really bothers me. And then I'll send him a text. I was like, I gotta go for a walk. You know what I mean? And it's like I sometimes like I've even sent text messages like I need to go, like you're disrespecting my time. Like you need to respect my time, I respect yours. I'm never late when you have to go for work and and you need to leave at a certain time. Why can't you do that? Because I don't know if in his mind he's like, oh, she's just going for a walk, but I don't think he realizes that even if I'm one minute late, that means I'm one minute late coming back. I'm one minute late having to like one minute less for me to get ready for work and get out of the door, out of the door at a time that I need to be out of the door to make it to work on time, to bring Adriana to the bus, whatever the case may be. Every every action has a reaction, right? So if his action is being late, that means I'm gonna be late. Yeah, I don't want to be late. Because you've put everything in place not to be late. And I don't want to be rushed because you're you're you're not respecting my time. I don't want to be, because one thing that I just can't stand is somebody else making me feel something because of their mistake or their mishap or their disrespect or like disregard.

SPEAKER_01

So then we have to this sounds like a and I don't know what it sounds like, but we have to then be in control of our own emotions, right? Like But how do we do that if you keep repeating behavior that you know is gonna send me spiral in? It's it's like who's it's catch 22.

SPEAKER_00

It's hard, but I think that is also something that I need to work on. Because at the end of the day, like for example, right? But for the longest time, if a coworker was five minutes late, it would bug the fuck out of me. Sorry, I was late today. No, but that's just no, but that's different. But I'm saying it. This is your time and you're paid to be here as much as you know what I mean. So it would bug me, but then it's like little by little I just let go of that.

SPEAKER_01

Right.

SPEAKER_00

If they're late, what am I getting upset about?

SPEAKER_01

If it's consistent, then that's a good conversation you have. Yeah, but if it's now and then, you have to be able to let those things go.

SPEAKER_00

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. So I think that like little by little, like I I try to work on not being okay, one minute is not shouldn't make you feel the way that you feel. Because I I get very intense, even just for one or two minutes. It bothers me really bad.

SPEAKER_01

But it's like sorry, I'm just like, because I understand that frustration. And if someone's seen my reaction, they'd be like, that's crazy for a minute. But what they didn't see was every time you've told me you were gonna be home, you're not home. Every time you told me you were gonna be there, you haven't shown. Every time you've told me six o'clock, it's been seven o'clock. So to someone else, it's a minute. But to me, I know it's all the minutes. It's all the minutes, it's all the minutes, all added up.

SPEAKER_00

Every single time that I didn't ask for. I didn't ask to wake up like that. I didn't ask to wake up and feel like upset. I want to have a good day.

SPEAKER_01

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00

Why can't I have a good day? Why does it have to why do I have to rely on someone else to make me feel that way? You know?

SPEAKER_01

So that's where I'm saying our emotions, that's where we have to check ourselves. Not because they're not wrong, yeah, but because we're the ones left with our feelings all day. So how do we manage that? Yeah. And it's like now you've got something else to fucking think about on top of all the other things. Yeah. When you just wanted to go for a walk with the dog, and why didn't you respect my time? Yeah.

SPEAKER_00

But then it's the thing is here's what I wonder, right? If I'm let's say the roles were reversed and I'm consistently late, and that makes him late, I don't know if he would care as much as I care. I really don't think so.

SPEAKER_01

So that's where two different people have come together and with different experiences, yeah, and two different two different styles, and how do you make it work?

SPEAKER_02

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01

And how do you communicate that?

unknown

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01

So the little things, it's a minute, it's a cup.

SPEAKER_02

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00

But it's it's not that, it's not the actual it's not the action, it's it it's the meaning behind it.

SPEAKER_01

It's the the the 20 cups in the sink before that were piled on top of each other, nobody else did until I did it.

SPEAKER_00

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01

And that sounds super petty. Do that every single day for years, yeah. And nobody else is doing it.

SPEAKER_00

It's like I and I mean, since we're on that too, you know, I think that I I keep seeing this like everywhere online, where it's like you're not helping in a house that you live in. I agree. I hate the word helping. I hate it. This is I always say help. I know. But but I come to realize that yeah, this is your house too. You're not helping. You're meant you should be maintaining your home just just like I do. Yeah. I even said sorry.

SPEAKER_01

He needs to stop interrupting the podcast. I even said, I say all the time, you need to do your part, even to the again, even to teenage my teenagers. You know, like last night I've done a full day at work. I'm now mowing the lawn. Emily's helping cook, and Ari's cleaning the kitchen. That isn't helping. That's everybody doing their part to maintain a home and a and a comfortable home and food on the table. Yeah. Like it has to be, I I hate the word helping. Can you help me with this? Yeah. Like I own this and this is all my responsibility.

SPEAKER_00

It's do your part. We that this is, yeah. Yeah. But it's just, yeah, I think that again, I think that also when we spoke about cultures, right? Being brought up in a different culture, being brought up. I think that everything that you bring into a marriage affects how you're going to be, right? I don't think it's just men. I think it also goes with culture. It goes how you were brought up. I it goes with so many different things that this is why marriage is so hard, because you're not marrying yourself, you're marrying a completely different person with a completely different background, 99% of the times with different interests, with different cares, or you know, so I think it's hard. It's hard. That that's why marriage is hard. Because of that. And they don't because guess what? Otherwise, then yeah, but then otherwise, this is why it ends up in divorce, because people then realize like, I'm not doing this. I don't want to do this anymore.

SPEAKER_01

Yeah, I've had the same argument. I had the same argument about timekeeping. Whether I was leaving to go for a walk or leaving to open the yoga studio, because I did that for a while, right? Like, I have to be there to open the door to let people in, and you're not home. Yeah. And we had agreed upon this, and not just we talked about it, or that we'd figured it out, or that we set it on a schedule, or that I texted, like all of the communication, community ways that I was able to tell them. And you and you still repeatedly, repeatedly, that to me just screams that I'm not, I'm not important. Yeah, you don't. And I don't care what excuse you come from.

SPEAKER_00

Or there was traffic, or there was the consistently late. Yeah.

SPEAKER_01

Consistently. So now I'm late, like you said. And I don't want to feel like that driving to my job after being with the kids all day.

SPEAKER_00

And then you not only that, and then you feel like you're not upholding your end of the commitment. Correct. Right. And then you're being looked at, oh, she's not really reliable.

SPEAKER_01

You're not reliable. I'm the person that turned up five minutes late to your job and you're like, why is she late? And I'm not gonna give you another excuse that he just gave me.

SPEAKER_00

Because what are you gonna say? Oh, my husband was late, so it made me late. So what does that mean?

SPEAKER_01

How stupid does that sound?

SPEAKER_00

It sounds like the dog get my homework.

SPEAKER_01

You can't I mean it did that happen before. That actually does happen.

unknown

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01

But no, I I I'm telling you, that was a huge part. The communication breakdown, the timekeeping, all of those things all add up to resentment and frustration. And then that leads into I don't want to be, I don't want to connect with you right now. Yeah.

SPEAKER_00

So that was one of my questions, actually. It's how do you find your way back after feeling all those feelings come up after you get upset after something like this happens, whatever it is, whatever the case may be. How do you find back yourself back? Obviously, you're divorced.

SPEAKER_01

I'm getting a laugh because I'm like, well, I solved my problem. But no, there was a lot of times where you both have to, I guess you talk so the this and this again, this is what led to my divorce. We talked about it. I thought there was a solution, we talked about it, I thought there was a solution now over and over and over again, and the same thing happens. So it's like I always use this analogy. When you're at the the the gambling table, when do you say is enough's enough? If you're losing and losing and losing and losing, when do you get up and walk away? Yeah. You know, and I just got to the point where it wasn't just that, it was multiple things that you communicate about. Yeah. I I'm usually pretty good at communicating what I what I want, what I what what like what needs to be done, or like how can we make this work? Yeah.

SPEAKER_00

I I mean it's I think what I've come to realize too, and and us having those conversations that I realize more and more that the way that we may feel might not be received the same way that we're explaining it. Again, a cup in the sink means one thing to me. For him, it's a fucking cup in the sink.

unknown

Right.

SPEAKER_00

I can totally understand. She feels like I don't care. No, it's a fucking cup in the sink. I'll fucking put the cup in the fucking dishwasher.

SPEAKER_01

Right.

SPEAKER_00

And that's usually the conversation.

SPEAKER_01

And maybe they're frustrated as well about something that we haven't communicated. You know what I mean? So it's like these two people coming together, I just it's communication. Yeah. I mean, I've tried writing it down, I tried talking about it, I tried texting it, I tried, and and even to this day, it's took me a very long time to get past that I want to say trust issues. If someone tells me they're gonna show up, I doubt it. If someone says they're gonna do this, I doubt it.

SPEAKER_00

Yeah, like there, I mean it's it's it's it's my first response.

SPEAKER_01

I'm getting better at it, yeah, because I'll tell you right now, not everybody's like that. And I have people in my life that prove that to me over and over and over again. I don't know if they're exhausted proving that to me, but God bless them because I'm so I was so triggered for so long. Like if someone was late for me, so now I'm separated, I don't live with my ex-husband, you know, and I'd go to appointments if the doctor was late. I'm telling you, if I got to a house to show a house and my client was late, it causes this. I'm gonna say right, like for a long time it would cause this rage inside of me that would be like, what the fuck?

SPEAKER_00

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01

And it was then it was nothing to do with that one moment.

SPEAKER_00

But do you then start to question yourself?

SPEAKER_01

100%. Yeah, and that is definitely something I needed to work on because I can't treat every aspect of my life and every scenario. I can't go off what my what my ex-husband's relationship was.

SPEAKER_00

Yeah, but it also I feel like it it because here's the thing, right? I question myself a lot of times, and I'm like, what the fuck is wrong with me? Why am I upset about one minute? But then at the same time, it's like, why do I have to deal with this? Why why can't I be that person that's always late? Why can't I be that person that always fucks up? No, like in that sense, like it, I'm like, because it's just not in me. If somebody tells me something, I'm gonna listen and I'm gonna care for it and I'm gonna try my best to change it. You know what I mean? But somehow, somehow, I could never be that person.

SPEAKER_01

No, and you said how'd you come back from it? And during my marriage, we communicated, talked about it. It was a whole cycle. I'm not even kidding you. It was a whole cycle. Oh, re on repeat constantly. Oh, I'm sorry, yeah, I understand. I'm frustrated, I'm sad, I'm annoyed. He walks in the door, I'm like, fuck you, you know, this is fucking bullshit. I get out the door, I get stressed, I'm stressed towards my job. And let's just this is just one scenario. Repeat that a quatrillion times. Yeah, like it's it was just this vicious cycle. So I I mean, you your question was, how did you come back from that? I eventually got divorced.

unknown

I got out of it.

SPEAKER_01

I got out of it because I can't keep doing the same thing and expecting to be I mean, that's a definition of insanity.

SPEAKER_00

It it's doing the same thing, expecting a different outcome each time.

SPEAKER_01

Correct. And I actually did feel insane at some times. Like, is it me? Am I expecting too much? Yeah, yeah. And that's even got down to you not being on time made me question if I was expecting too much.

SPEAKER_02

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01

What? What? Now I'm telling you now, after that, once it was just me and the girls in the house, and we were invited somewhere and we were on time, and we went somewhere and we were on time, they were like, Oh my god, you're on time. Oh my god, you're on time.

SPEAKER_00

And then we're this is this is why it's hard to rely on other people. This at least for me.

SPEAKER_01

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00

Because uh I have a very hard time if if my action Are going to be diminished because of somebody else. If my reputation is going to get messed up because of someone else, I want to mess up my reputation. Let me mess up my reputation or how people see me.

SPEAKER_01

Right.

SPEAKER_00

I don't want somebody else making me feel or make me become somebody that I'm truly not.

SPEAKER_01

Well, that's the partnership. You have no, you have no choice sometimes but to rely on someone else. Yeah. So your love and faith and strength has to be in that person. Yeah. That they respect you enough to make it work. And listen, I get that some people are late sometimes. One gets stuck with a customer or he's stuck in traffic.

SPEAKER_00

I mean that I've never been the the lateness because of work. Right. Here's the thing. I know when he gets out.

SPEAKER_01

Right.

SPEAKER_00

I know when they close. I know that he's the last person that that a customer sees. So if he gets stuck, he gets stuck. Am I gonna be pissed? Yeah, but not at him. Right, right. You know, those things I don't. Yeah. It is what it is. You know what I mean? It it's really when it affects me. If I have to go somewhere, you know what I mean? If he says, because for him, even if he says, Yeah, I'll try my best to make it on time, he can't control that because he could say he could try his best, but they close at eight and somebody could come in at 7.55. He has to wait. He does, yeah, and it affects me. Yeah. I'm mad, but not it's not his fault. Right. You know.

SPEAKER_01

So now what do you do in the morning when you're stressed and pissed off and he's come down like does he do you communicate that with him? And and then is it good for a while and it reverts back, or is it just something that happens now and then?

SPEAKER_00

So it used to happen a lot more. And then I think that once I made it clear that don't, you know, don't disrespect my time. I'm not late for you when you have to leave. I think he understands he comes either right at seven o'clock, or that that's just him. That's just what he's gonna do. He'll come at seven o'clock. If I say, Oh, it's seven and one, nope, it's seven o'clock. You know what I mean? Like it's it's just how he is.

SPEAKER_01

He has his alarm set for 6 59.

SPEAKER_00

I've learned well, no, he wakes up at a half hour before, so he gets ready before, so that then I can go for a walk and then I come home and I get ready and then I can leave. You know what I mean? But I think I've worked on myself too that okay, if it's two minutes, if we're talking about 10 minutes, yeah, my day is completely changed. Yeah, but that really never happens. So I'm working on all right, one, two minutes, it is what it is. I start by putting I I this is how I I fixed it for me, right? Because I would usually wait until he comes downstairs to then put on my shoes, to then put on the leash on Baba. So now if by seven o'clock he's not down, I'll put on my shoes, I'll put on the leash, I'll do whatever I need to do anyways, that I have to do when I come back.

SPEAKER_01

So that's so do you think that we're cons Do you think that we constantly adjust and compromise as women more than they do?

SPEAKER_00

That to begin with, but when you're in a marriage, you have to, you have to somehow somehow find a compromise, right? And because what am I gonna for the rest of my life when he's late like that? Yeah, I could let it bother me, but we're not talking about 30, 40 minutes. Right. This is one, two minutes we're talking about. It's a at the end of the day, it's a problem with me when it's one to two minutes. I should have enough grace that I could be like, you know what, we're talking about one to two minutes. That it's me. If we're talking about 10-15 minutes constantly, then yeah, it's you, it's a you problem that you gotta fix that shit. But yeah, one to two minutes, that's just how my head in my brain, it just triggers me. Yeah, you know, but yeah, I do think that as women we do compromise, but I do think that also as men, they compromise because and and and that has to do with intimacy, right? Because at the end of the day, I think it's mostly women who will say, I'm too tired, I can't do it today, I'm not like in the mind space, space of mind mindspace, mind space. I'm not I'm touched out, so they have to take a step back, right? Because they have to compromise, they have to then say, because that's really their desire more than women, I think, you know?

SPEAKER_01

Yeah, I mean, probably in my experience, yes, but I'm sure there's some really healthy yeah, yeah, yeah.

SPEAKER_00

But I think that, yeah, we this is a marriage, right? So I have to compromise on this, you're gonna have to compromise.

SPEAKER_01

We're not all getting what we want at the same time.

SPEAKER_00

We're not, it's never gonna be like that. I don't I mean, look, I I I wouldn't be able to tell you I'm not in a marriage where everything is a hundred percent perfect, neither would I want it that way, right? I think that a little bit of bickering is healthy, you know. That's how I see it. Would I wanna there's certain things that in a perfect world I could live without? Yeah, 100%. Right, you know, but at the same time, how what am I gonna expect with two different people? I can't expect I'm not marrying myself. How am I gonna expect to that would be easy, put opposites attract, correct? So it would also be easy to be by myself, you know? I do know, and then it's when it comes to that, yeah, then I I don't have to deal with it.

SPEAKER_01

I don't have to, I know that I'm fully on Metallic from for me at that point, it was easier because for me at that point I know I'm just relying on myself. Correct. I don't have to wait for someone else because I I I'm I just know I'm doing it, so now I just have to get it done. Yeah, and it's set out in my schedule where I need to be. Yeah, so you know what well what does good communication look like to you and Juan in your marriage?

SPEAKER_00

Like, what do you mean? Like if so I feel something, I will say something.

SPEAKER_01

Yeah. Does he do the same thing?

SPEAKER_00

Yeah. Okay. He's getting better at it. But also I'm getting worse at it. Like I feel like is Juan a fixer.

SPEAKER_01

Like if if you tell him how you're feeling, does he want to just like make it right, or does he want to shut down and not discuss it?

SPEAKER_00

You know what I mean? I think Juan doesn't want to discuss anything to begin with because he's very non-confrontational. Okay. He wants to make everything better, but without having to fix it. Like he wants to just joke around. Like he'll make it like if I'm mad and if I'm giving him the sound treatment, he'll just make a joke and he'll just like wait for me to see if I'm laughing, you know, and then I laugh, but I'm pissed. You still a little bit. Correct. You know, so but I think that he doesn't come from a family that communicates.

unknown

Okay.

SPEAKER_00

I don't come from a family family that communicates. I'm much better at it, that's for sure.

SPEAKER_01

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00

But yeah, I think that we're doing our best, but there's many times where I just avoid a conversation. I just swallow my feelings because I don't have the time. I don't want to dedicate the time. It's time. I want my peace. Yeah. So I'm just gonna shut up and be like, you know what, just gonna deal with it myself. Yeah. My feelings myself, because I don't want to deal with it. I'm so tired. Nope.

SPEAKER_01

Do I talk about this with you for the next half an hour, or do I take my half an hour to myself in my bed? Right, yep, and I get it. It's like, what's the point? Yeah, yeah. I I think for my side, like from a divorce standpoint, just I would not that I'm here to advise anybody, but I would always say be careful of that when it increases, because I got to a point where I just shut down and said nothing. Yeah. And I don't mean I didn't talk. No, no, no. I don't mean I didn't talk. I just meant like I just got to the point where I was already I was already planning my yeah, yeah, my I don't want to say my escape. I wasn't trapped. You know what I'm saying? But I was already your exit. I was exit I was exiting. Yeah, yeah.

SPEAKER_00

Because I know exactly what you're I know exactly what you're talking about. And I went through that before we graze divorce. I know exactly what you're talking about. Yeah, no, we're nowhere near that now. Yeah. Like if I have right, if if I'm gonna say I'm gonna pick my battles, it's because it's really doesn't mat it's not that big of it. But if it is something that's important, yeah, you better believe I'm gonna talk about it. Right. Yeah, yeah.

SPEAKER_01

Yeah, and again, I'm not here to advise any I just know for me the repeating conversations for all those issues about time. I just I stopped. And also the longer you wait to fix an issue, yeah. And you know what? Here's the truth, right? Some issues can't be fixed, yeah, they just can't. The other person maybe isn't movable, the other person's just never gonna get it. Could be me, could be them, who knows. I think that's where your unconditional love comes in. Yeah, do you love them enough unconditionally to move past that and be like, you know what, this is who they are, and I need to be okay with it. Or I'm not fucking dealing with this anymore.

SPEAKER_00

Well, there's a lot of things that after we grazed divorce, I had to switch my mindset like that. Yeah. I had to be like, you know what, this is just how he is. This is how he was, this is this is all he knew. Like for the longest time, I used to be upset when we first moved in together about the fact that he doesn't take care of the house. Longest time had conversations, you gotta do this, you gotta do that, or that he didn't know how to do certain things.

SPEAKER_01

Right.

SPEAKER_00

And I would be pissed at him until I then realized this is this is what his family created.

SPEAKER_01

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00

So he doesn't know any better. To him, that's how it gets done. But then again, you're a grown-ass man. That's for you to learn.

SPEAKER_01

Yes, you get to the point where it's there is no excuses anymore. I was raised a certain way. I can assure you, I am not raising my girls the way I was raised.

SPEAKER_00

So it comes to a point where, yeah, you have to make that switch yourself as a person to then all right, I'm gonna fix it. I'm doing this with my girls, I'm breaking cycles. Yeah, I have to do that, he has to do that, you know. But there's things that I'm just like, you know what? No, like this is just how he is, the way that, for example, we communicate. If let's say I'm giving him the sound treatment, like I was saying, where his way of making it better is by doing a joke, you know. Yeah, it is what it is, that's how he is.

SPEAKER_01

He just wants everything to be okay.

SPEAKER_00

That's how he is. Yeah, you know what I mean? Like, I'm not gonna that's just how he is.

SPEAKER_01

Yeah, that's it. And again, accepting those things, there's some things that can be accepted.

SPEAKER_00

And I'm sure there's a lot of things that he accepts that the way that I am.

SPEAKER_01

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00

Like he'll bitch about how controlling I am with certain things, but then I think he realizes that okay, I maybe maybe I see why she's doing it, right? But perfect example. When Adriana doesn't have her sleep, when she goes to bed late, she in the morning, and I started calling her Monday Donna, because she will wake up and it's like, oh my God, I don't want to go to school. No, I'm not doing this, I'm not doing that.

SPEAKER_01

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00

And that's because the night before or the day before, she had a crazy day, went to bed late, didn't eat the proper food. Let's say if it was a birthday party, was riled up with sugar, whatever the case may be. It comes to a point where you know your kids. I'm not gonna overbook them because I know how much they can handle. You know what I mean? I'm not doing three play dates in one day or for the entire weekend. I'm not doing that. You know, and like if I'm doing a play date Friday, if I'm doing a play date Saturday, Sunday, we're doing nothing. Nothing. Nothing. And we're going to bed at seven o'clock.

SPEAKER_01

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00

You know, so I think that little by little he now sees that okay, I'm not doing this just to be a bitch. I'm doing this because I I'm very observant of people, of things, and I then adapt the rest of my life to it. Yeah. You know, to make sure that okay, it goes by smooth, right? So if I'm gonna go to Canada, for example, right? And I know I'm leaving at 12 o'clock, you better believe I'm leaving at 12.

SPEAKER_01

And I'm gonna text you at 12.01 and be like, are you in the car? And I can be on the road.

SPEAKER_00

I'll be on the road, right? Because days prior, all right. So my day is gonna look like this. I'm gonna wake up, I'm gonna get ready, pack the car, I'm gonna go to work because this is Juan's day off. I'm gonna go to work. I'm gonna be at work until 11 o'clock on the dot. By the time I come home, they're gonna be already fed because I know for a fact I'm gonna text Juan, make sure they eat at 11, 11:15, so that by 11:45, they're done. They're using the restroom, and we're good to go.

SPEAKER_01

Yes. Everybody's on top, like everybody needs to follow suit in this. Because what if it's 1202? Is you you're just your whole thing's gonna be all fucked up.

SPEAKER_00

Yeah, yeah. But that's I'm telling you, I'll be on the road 11:55, 12, but yeah, the latest 12.05. Yeah, I know it. Yeah, because that's just how I plan my days.

SPEAKER_01

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00

It's crazy, but it's not.

SPEAKER_01

It's not. You're planning ahead to avoid all the things that we just talked about. You're planning ahead, so you're you're on time and your kids are comfortable and everybody has what they need. That's what moms do. Yeah, but even before you were a mom, that's what you did. Yeah, you always planned. Yeah, and you always had like a a schedule.

SPEAKER_00

Now, if something goes off schedule, forget it. Like I'm a completely different person. Yeah. That I gotta work on. Because if something does not go the way that I planned it to go, oh, I am I don't know how to handle it. I'm a stressed person.

SPEAKER_01

Oh, I've relinquished all control. Yeah, and I realized that nothing it doesn't always go as planned. And when it does go as planned, it's like, okay, that's great. Yeah, and when it doesn't, I'm like, eh, yeah, the whole part that I gotta work on. I'm so good at shifting. Nope. I have to be.

SPEAKER_00

Yeah. It's just my it's true.

SPEAKER_01

It is my personality. I uh I am a winger, but also my job and the kids, yeah. Everything I do from from start to finish of my day is like around other people.

SPEAKER_02

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01

So if that person's yeah, their appointment's late or they come late or they're early, like I have to constantly move my moving pieces. I can drop my kid at school at 7 30 in the morning and there's days at 8 o'clock, she's like, I forgot a towel, can you bring it back? You know, and most people will be like, No. And I'm yes, yeah, I can. Well, you're not teaching her anything. Yeah, I'm teaching her that I'm gonna show up every time she needs me. Okay, like you know, there's other times where she'll ask for something, and I'm like, no, you don't need it. But if she needs something, you're damn right I'm gonna show up for her. So then I move other parts. But so I I'm a winger, but that's just that's just me.

SPEAKER_00

I'm gonna become a winger one day.

SPEAKER_01

No, I think you'd hate it. I think you'd hate every second of it. Yeah. Yeah.

SPEAKER_00

So I'm just thinking about it. But yeah, I mean, I would love to know, I don't know about you, but I would love to know tips on how to how do you come back from a fight? How do you find a way back to one another or to yourself? How do you mentally and not just your partner either?

SPEAKER_01

Like how do you how do you do that at work? So which is conflict at work? Kids, kids, schools, all of it.

SPEAKER_00

So yeah. Yeah. Um, so you might have good communication skills or bad communication skills, but but you're definitely not alone. And you're definitely not done. Till next time. Bye.