Do Kids Make a Marriage Stronger... or Just Expose the Cracks?

Everyone says having kids changes your marriage—but does it make it stronger, or does it simply reveal what's already there?

In this honest conversation, we unpack one of the biggest myths about marriage and parenting. We discuss why children don't create relationship problems, how they amplify communication issues, the pressure of parenting styles, and why so many couples stay together "for the kids."

Andrea shares the heartbreaking reality of realizing divorce also meant giving up the dream of another child, while Coley reflects on how working through relationship struggles before having a second child changed her marriage.

Whether you're newly married, raising little ones, or wondering if your relationship is surviving the chaos of parenthood, this episode will remind you that you're not alone.

Timestamps 

00:00 Cold open: "I've never heard anyone say a baby fixed their marriage."

01:20 Do people secretly believe another baby will save their relationship?

04:10 Why kids don't create problems—they expose them.

07:15 The exhaustion, stress, and pressure that change a marriage.

10:40 Andrea shares how divorce meant letting go of having another child.

14:05 Why parenting styles become the real source of conflict.

17:15 The resentment that builds when one partner isn't reliable.

20:30 Staying together "for the kids" and ignoring relationship problems.

24:15 Communication: when repeated conversations stop leading to change.

28:00 What healthy marriages do differently after kids.

31:10 Looking back: what we'd do differently before having children.

33:00 Final thoughts: Do kids bring couples closer—or expose the cracks?

Thank you for being here! And remember, you are NOT alone and you are Not done.

xxx Andrea & Kouelee

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Transcript

SPEAKER_03 0:00

So now on top of the already issues within our marriage, then the loss, then the grief, and I knew in that moment when I moved forward for divorce that I was basically giving up my opportunity to have a third child because I really wanted a third child. And I knew that wasn't gonna happen after divorce. I also knew it wasn't the right thing to do to try again and have a third child with someone who I knew wasn't working with anymore.

SPEAKER_07 0:32

You know. That's also a hard realization because I think that's why I think that people do continue to have children. Because they know, let's say, their their pocket's ticking, and they would rather have another one, knowing that maybe the marriage is not where it needs to be, but I want another one. Right. I like who I get out of that relationship and then it takes me years, and then I'm past that time.

SPEAKER_02 1:08

Hey guys, welcome back to Cheese Papter. I'm your host, Andrea, I'm your host Cody, I am still default, and I'm still married. Hi, welcome back. Kids, life, work, holidays, all that.

SPEAKER_03 1:28

Um so today we're gonna talk about kids. Do they make marriage stronger or do they expose the crap?

SPEAKER_01 1:37

Uh what's your take?

SPEAKER_03 1:39

What do you think? I am gonna say I have never ever male or female heard anyone's eye. You know my marriage was in a really great place, and you know what fixed it? Baby. Not once have I heard that. Maybe there are people out there, I don't know, but I feel like um no.

SPEAKER_07 2:06

You do know what is crazy though, is that even though we've never heard that, it does happen that people do think that. Oh, they think that, oh, our marriage isn't, let's say it was crazy, argument after argument, whatever the case may be, and then we get along for a month or two, let's have another baby. Another baby is probably going to bring us more together. Otherwise, why do you think that happens?

SPEAKER_03 2:37

Oh, yeah, it happens all the time. Yeah. I don't understand the logic. Yeah. And I'm sure I've had some illogical thinking along those lines. But I definitely is I don't think that I don't think that a marriage adding a marriage in trouble and then adding children saves it. I do think people try and save their marriage for their kids.

SPEAKER_01 3:02

Yes, yes, two different, two different things.

SPEAKER_03 3:05

Completely. So I think already having troubles and red flags and toxic, and then you throw a tiny human in there that requires 24-hour care, financial, medical, emotional, right? Like it's you I feel like you've really got to be tight with your partner in the first place. Yeah.

SPEAKER_07 3:31

Which that to begin with, I think is a very difficult place to be in or to get out of in general, right? So if your marriage is in trouble, fixing it takes a very long time. So I don't think that in a matter of one to two months, your marriage is going to be fixed. It's it's, I mean, depending on how much how troubled obviously your marriage is, but I think that that takes, at least the the way it was for me and Juan, it took us a long time before we could find back to one another and be on the same page. It was not like an overnight fix. No, it's like two, three years after having our first one before we could even consider having another one.

SPEAKER_03 4:20

And you wanted to make sure you were in a great place. I think putting the work into your relationship in your marriage, the benefits of that is not immediate, right? And some people want immediate gratification. Immediate gratification. I understand that. You know, I go to the gym.

SPEAKER_07 4:35

I do understand it, but it's very unrealistic.

SPEAKER_03 4:38

Of course. I go to the gym and I immediately want to see a difference in my arms. Yeah. It's not happening. It's horrible. I know logically it's not gonna happen, but it's and people want that for their bad mentality too.

SPEAKER_04 4:50

Right, yeah.

SPEAKER_03 4:51

They've been to counseling for a month. Well, we've been to counseling. Yeah, you know. There's so many aspects of that. Yeah, but definitely throwing a tiny human in there and all the financial I don't want to say burden. It's not a burden, right? You've chosen to bring this human into your life, and it's it's yeah.

SPEAKER_07 5:08

But I think sometimes we also choose to bring a child into this life, not fully realizing, and like you said, not a burden, but not fully realizing the immensity and requirements of it. Yeah, because sometimes you're like, Yeah, let's just have another one. Forgetting that you're gonna go through that phase again with your partner of no sleep, you know, arguments, losing patience, and that's gonna probably create a rift in your marriage to begin with. You know, you forget those things when you're in that exhaustion, yeah. But when you're in that honeymoon phase of wanting another one, those are things that you don't think about. It's very easily overlooked. And then once you're in it, you're like, I don't know if I should have done that.

SPEAKER_03 5:58

Yeah, I totally agree. Yeah, I mean I had my first, yeah, first time mom. Everything's brand new, right? We had some issues into our marriage, went to counseling, things repaired for a while, and we had a second child, you know. Unfortunately, the pattern fell back into the way it was. Yeah, you know, I we never once had our kids, we never once said, let's add kids to it. Wasn't like that. We were in a good place and we had kids. Yeah, however, I did lose a third child, and at that time we were not in a good place, yeah, and then I lost the baby, and you know, people don't want to talk about that. So now, on top of the already issues within our marriage, then the loss, then the grief, and I knew in that moment when I moved forward for divorce that I was basically giving up my opportunity to have a third child because I really wanted a third child and I knew that wasn't gonna happen after divorce. I also knew it wasn't the right thing to do to try again and have a third child with someone who I knew wasn't working with anymore.

SPEAKER_07 7:15

You know, that's also a hard realization because I think that's why I think that people do continue to have children because they know, let's say, their their clock is ticking, right, and they would rather have another one, knowing that maybe the marriage is not where it needs to be, but I want another one. Right. And I and I can do I get out of that relationship and then it takes me years and then I'm past that time, right? Or do I think that okay, maybe it's gonna get fixed, let me have another one because I really want one. Yeah. I never even thought about that, but I see it now, like I could see that.

SPEAKER_03 7:53

The reality is, yeah, that was the conversation I had with myself for a long time.

SPEAKER_04 7:59

Yeah.

SPEAKER_03 7:59

And that was the choice I made.

SPEAKER_04 8:01

Yeah.

SPEAKER_03 8:01

And do I, you know, there's nothing you can do about that. That was the choice I made, knowing what I knew.

SPEAKER_04 8:07

Yeah.

SPEAKER_03 8:08

And also knowing that what was for us, yeah, not anybody else, but what was right and wrong. Yeah. And and then so not only do you grieve your marriage, but I also grieved.

SPEAKER_04 8:18

Yeah.

SPEAKER_03 8:19

I knew I would never have any more kids. And that wasn't really the plan.

SPEAKER_04 8:23

Yeah.

SPEAKER_03 8:24

You know. So definitely I would never say kids make it stronger. They if you're if your marriage is in a bad place, it's uh it's not gonna help.

SPEAKER_07 8:40

Yeah, I mean, I I I think that yeah, I I think that kids expose Oh 100% the problems more, but I don't think they create they're not the reason for no.

SPEAKER_03 8:57

So let's say you're like you know the exhaustion of having a newborn, right? Even a toddler, whatever, kids, they can be exhausted. So if you're already not communicating well and you're not on the same page and you're exhausted, then you now you're having a disagreement. Like that's so forget about the cracks now. That's just gonna, that's like dynamite blowing the whole thing open.

SPEAKER_07 9:19

I will say, when you look at people who have stayed together and you know they're no good for one another, they get divorced after the kids are out of the house. It does make it seem, and I think as a child of divorce, you may think you're the reason. Even when I think about my parents, all they argued about were the kids. And it's not the kids, it's the decisions about the kids, about how do you call it, parenting styles. Right. Right? That's what we really argue about. It's not the the child, but now that I'm thinking about it as a child, it makes you feel like you're the reason your parents argue.

SPEAKER_03 10:01

Yeah. Yeah, especially if they wait and then yeah, because if once you're around that like mom and dad aren't together anymore, it's like, oh yeah.

SPEAKER_07 10:10

So yeah, I mean, obviously, kids don't create the issues. The issues are already there. We're just kids are just exposing them. But if I think about it, right, and and my parents arguing, or Juan and I arguing, 90% of the time, it's not because of the kids, but it's because of the kids on how we want to parent. Yeah. Where something is not done be not because of them, but because we want to parent a certain thing.

SPEAKER_03 10:38

Or, you know, like I was a stay-at-home mom and I would work part-time jobs, right? So I'm home with the kids all day, which was a blessing, and then he was due home, and then I would go to a part-time job, right? But he had a punctuation issue. That didn't go like he wouldn't he wasn't on time. It's called punctuation, isn't it? Punctual period, and but I wouldn't say punctual time.

SPEAKER_04 11:09

He had an on he had a word.

SPEAKER_03 11:14

You're gonna have to cut that out.

SPEAKER_06 11:16

No, I'm not a punctuation issue. No, no, no, seriously.

SPEAKER_01 11:22

Yeah. Siri. Hey Siri. Hey Siri. She's ignoring me. What does punctuational mean?

SPEAKER_06 11:32

Oh no, it's punctuational refers to the use of standard marks and signs in writing and printing to separate words.

SPEAKER_07 11:41

You're gonna have to look yourself after. No, I want to know, ask her, is a punctuation issue does that mean. Hey, Sarah, on time, or what's the correct wording?

SPEAKER_01 11:51

Sarah I used he has a punctuational issue in a sentence. Does that make sense?

SPEAKER_06 12:05

She's thinking a long time there. She doesn't know herself.

SPEAKER_03 12:09

She gave up. So add that in. Now I'm exhausted. I'm sort of thinking here about it. He has a time issue. He has a timekeeping issue, right?

SPEAKER_07 12:22

So it's even worse.

SPEAKER_03 12:29

Time management issue.

SPEAKER_06 12:30

Yes. Okay. I was looking for a time management issue.

SPEAKER_03 12:34

So he has a a time management issue. So now I'm been home with the kids all day. That's a full-time job. I'm leaving to go to a part-time job, and he's been at his full-time job all day. Yeah. Comes home and is late. So now I'm late. So now I'm exhausted. And I'm late. Yeah. And I'm turning up to my job late. That is not going to expose anything positive.

SPEAKER_08 12:59

Yeah.

SPEAKER_03 12:59

None of that.

SPEAKER_08 13:00

Yeah.

SPEAKER_03 13:01

I'm going to be pissed off. He's going to be pissed off. The kids are going to be upset because how do they not pick up on that?

SPEAKER_08 13:08

Yeah.

SPEAKER_03 13:08

So, you know, yes, they definitely don't make it stronger and they do expose the cracks, but not from not because of them. It's because of how you're behaving and the issues within your marriage that that just basically blow up when you add other stresses into it.

SPEAKER_07 13:29

Yeah. One of the questions that I had is do people stay because I mean, do you think the kids make people ignore relationship problems longer? Oh gosh, 100%.

SPEAKER_03 13:40

Yeah, why? 100%. Why? There was a long time that I was like, I'm just gonna stay because of the kids, I'm gonna stay. In my head, right? Never mind.

SPEAKER_07 13:48

No, but do you think that it makes it your whatever problems you had, do your kids made you ignore those problems? Yeah. Oh. Oh yeah.

SPEAKER_03 14:01

Oh. Yeah, no, and okay, if we we haven't we haven't been connecting for six months. I'm just gonna ignore that problem.

SPEAKER_07 14:10

But you knew it was a problem. Of course. How are you not connecting with your partner? You know what I'm saying? No, no, but I'm saying, I guess maybe I'm phrasing it wrong. Or maybe I'm not understanding what question I wrote. Or maybe I'm just confused. It has been one of those days. Do your kids make you ignore your issues? Yeah. You bury your head in the sand. You pretend they're not there. Oh, I get it now. I get what you're saying, meaning, yeah, I get it now. I get what you're saying. Is that what you're asking? No. I guess I I guess what I meant is like I get it now.

SPEAKER_04 14:48

Yeah. I mean, is that what you question? Yeah. No, like I so I'm gonna be now.

SPEAKER_03 14:56

Oh gosh. No, I there was a long time, or like something doesn't I wouldn't bring something up because I know it's gonna be a good one.

SPEAKER_07 15:03

I think what I meant, so I completely understand what you're saying, is is that you know, your kids like you're trying harder because of your kids. What I meant is I think in my head, I I was like, do they make you ignore it as in like, all right, so we're having this issue, I'm not gonna talk about it because my kids are here, like because my kids are present, or because we have children, I'm just gonna disregard this issue. Yes, meaning because I'm busy with life, I have children, I don't want to hurt. I don't want to deal with this.

SPEAKER_03 15:33

I don't want to do the work that this requires too, right?

SPEAKER_07 15:37

So, like if I bring an issue up, but do you think it's because of the children or because you're just exhausted in general?

SPEAKER_03 15:44

It's the children. Not not their I don't wanna I don't wanna word it, like it's not their fault.

SPEAKER_04 15:51

Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's not.

SPEAKER_03 15:52

But the children make you because in your mind they come first. They come first your well-being and they come first, you don't have the energy to handle it. Where's it gonna lead to? If if it comes up now, we have to address it. And sometimes, especially in certain relationships, I mean I can only speak for my own, that clearly was not successful in the end. But like you would have a conversation about something, right? It would be a conversation, yeah. You would talk about it, you would get a response, you would get, I'm gonna try better at that, or you know, yeah, I was two hours late, I'm not gonna do that again. In the future, I'll message you, text you, call you, right? Like, I don't know, it's all of the things. And then it would happen again and again and again. So for me, in the end, I just stopped having that conversation because nothing was changing. So you I would try to communicate because I think it's really important when you're unhappy in your in it with something, whether it's in your marriage, with your children, with your friendships, with your boss, yeah, with people who work for you. Like I feel like if there's an issue, I'm very direct. Like, hey, can we figure this out because this isn't this isn't working, or that wasn't the way we wanted to see it, or this isn't, you know, there was a few times there was often that I would communicate that, like, hey, this was what was said, but this isn't what happened. How do we fix that? And then after a while, when it doesn't get fixed, and you have the same conversation. Again, we've talked about this like groundhog day. Yeah. So it was a mixture of things, it was a mixture of there's no point in me bringing it up because nothing's gonna change. So right now I'm gonna live this life and I'm gonna do what's best for them in this situation. And and 90% of the time I was with the kids on my own.

SPEAKER_08 17:45

Yeah.

SPEAKER_03 17:46

So we just did the things, you know, like there did the things that I needed to do for them to have a a good day. Yeah.

SPEAKER_04 17:57

Yeah.

SPEAKER_07 17:57

No, I mean it makes sense. I I just for me, I think that like when I think about my relationship and with the kids, I think that children amplify issues. Like to me, if I didn't have children, there's certain issues I wouldn't give a shit about. Right. But there's certain issues that are being magnified because I have children. Right.

SPEAKER_03 18:27

Like, for instance, if you didn't have kids, you wouldn't be mad at one for being late in the morning because there's no matter you're just you're walking out the door and you're free to do whatever you want. Yeah, but when you're handing off human beings to another person and they're not doing what they promised they would do, it's that's you're causing frustration, resentment. Uh because you're relying on someone else.

SPEAKER_07 18:51

So is it easier for you now that you're divorced when it comes to that? Well, obviously, you don't have that issue because that's this was part of your issue. So yeah, yeah.

SPEAKER_03 19:02

I mean, I listen, divorce is difficult no matter when you do it, how you do it, whether you want it, whether you don't want it, divorce is difficult. Grief is difficult, but relying on someone and completely being let down every single time, yeah, that to me is is worse. I don't want to, I don't want to do that. So now I know I'm 100% relying on myself. I know where I need to be. I'm not being let down. And you know, and again, like what we've talked about before, the village and the circle. And I don't have family here. So I do have some close friends that help. And and you know, this is also a really important point for me. The people in my life are in my life because they've stood by me through good and bad. Yeah, if you're only good to me when things are good and when shit hits the fan, you are a fucking mess. Yeah. Like that's not fair.

SPEAKER_08 20:00

Yeah.

SPEAKER_03 20:00

Right? Like, we how you act and how you behave in an emergency is what's gonna make a relationship stronger or fail. So whether that's kids or the roof falling off, or your car breaking down, or the sewage backing up, how you respond to emergencies, and the people in my life that have said, Oh yeah, we're gonna do this, or even yesterday, I needed to be somewhere, and a friend picked up my daughter and took her to field hockey. I never once, when I asked her to do that, and she said yes, I can do that, the rest of the day, there was not a thought in my mind that she was not gonna show up on time. Yeah, yeah. It was good, she said yes and let it go. Yeah. In my marriage, I could never do that. It was never like, oh, he's got that, I don't have to worry about it. Not once. Wow, even when it came to the kids, even when it came to the only time I really when we traveled and he had the paperwork, I was like, I knew he had the passports and the paperwork and the insurance, and I knew that that was done. But like when it came to him being home for something or on time for something, or I just it was a constant, is he gonna be there? Is he gonna be on time? Is it because 90% of the time there was an issue with that? Yeah. Like I said yesterday, yes, I'll get on. Yeah, ticked it off my list, didn't think about it again.

SPEAKER_07 21:25

Yeah, I mean, I I could definitely see how that's that's for sure an issue in a marriage because I mean, I have to say, if one, when he's supposed to be somewhere, when he's supposed to get them, he goes. Don't get me wrong, has he been late before? Yeah, but not because he tried to be late, like it happened before that he forgot to pick up the girls because he completely lost track of time. It also happened to me, right? You know what I mean? But it's not something that yeah, like I I could 100% rely on him for that. Like if if if he's saying he's taking them. He's taking them. If he says I'm gonna be here, I'll do that, he's doing it. Yeah.

SPEAKER_03 22:05

I mean, even now, it's a little different now because let's say one of the girls, I there's no real they're older now, so they kind of communicate direct, right? You know, like Emily's going to the doctor's tomorrow and and I'm having the windows done in the house, so I'm like, hey, I can't take you. So her dad's, she reached out to her dad, he's coming to get her. Yeah. But like even the other day, he was going to be there at five, he got there at 5:30. They didn't have to go anywhere specific, but it immediately, I didn't tell my I didn't mention this to the kids. But I mean for me, I'm like, It's so strange. How do you leave them waiting? How are you late? You're like the male in their life. Yeah, you're the first male in their life with these expectations. How and it's it's it's not like it's now and then, you know what I mean?

SPEAKER_07 22:48

And again, the you bring up a good point to the fact that they he is the man in their life. And when they're gonna look for somebody else, what are they gonna expect? Right, right, if it's another man in their life, what are they gonna expect? This is how they were treated by their dad. So to them it's gonna become normal to be treated that way. Right.

SPEAKER_03 23:10

Yeah. It's not because luckily, but however, I I and again, I didn't say anything. I keep my mouth shut, but they get picked up, they leave, and in my head, I'm like, those are my thoughts that I have in my head. Like I just you know what I mean? Like if Emily, and again, now it's different, right? They when he does pick them up, there's time in and he picks them up and he said, but but there's times he's late, and I'm just I don't I don't get it coolie. But you know, if Emily needs picking up from high school at seven, I'm there at seven, or I'm there five to seven, actually. Yeah. But yeah, it's very rare I'm late. Am I late?

SPEAKER_07 23:46

I think that for women it's also a little bit different. So I I I don't want to say that it's only men that are late. There's plenty of women there that are late. Oh gosh, yeah. And I think that for moms, when it comes to our children, I don't think many women are late. You know what I mean? I like I think it's just ingrained in us that we care so much and we know the feeling behind it of being picked up late or it being done to you that there's so many feelings we want to protect from our kids. And I think this is one of them where we're gonna show up, we're gonna be there.

SPEAKER_03 24:24

Yeah. On time, you know. I I I agree. I think it's just you know, maybe it's part of us and genetics and DNA, but how long is that gonna be an acceptable excuse? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Because I see men all the time show up on time, be on time, be present, be supportive. There just has to be a certain But again.

SPEAKER_07 24:46

That this is one thing that I had mentioned before. Is this something that are the men that you know on time and all that because that's just their doing? I would want to know, or is it because somehow, somehow, a woman in their life said, I need you to be on time, I need you to be this. Even if it's that, they listened and they're on time. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Well, yeah, like for Juan, for example, there's things that he just doesn't, it doesn't register to him as it registers to me.

SPEAKER_08 25:14

Right.

SPEAKER_07 25:14

There's certain feelings that he can't predict, and so it's not a big deal in his head. So he needs my help in order to tell him certain things that this is how it should be.

SPEAKER_03 25:28

Yeah.

SPEAKER_07 25:28

You know, not because I want it done that way.

SPEAKER_03 25:30

Well, this is how it makes me feel when you don't do it. But he listens and he makes the changes, and vice versa.

SPEAKER_08 25:36

Yeah.

SPEAKER_03 25:37

But that's part of a relationship and working on a relationship and positivity in your relationship. If you keep having the same conversation and nothing changes, yeah. That's just I mean, I think that we're how long is that sustainable?

SPEAKER_07 25:49

So here's the thing, because I think there's always going to be somewhere or somehow a conversation that will keep being repeated. I think it just depends on the, how do you say the magnitude of the or the severity of the issue? Right. On how much it bothers you, right? So do I think that I'm gonna have that conversation for the rest of my life with Juan on him. I'm trying to think of something. Packing their lunch in the morning when you're not there. No, because he has no choice, because I'm not there. You know what I mean? But like something like let I'm I'm trying to think of something that that bothers me. Oh, like clothes, for example, right? If they're not in their hamper, do I think that I'm gonna have this conversation until the rest of my life? Probably. Does it bother me to the core? Probably not. Versus if do I think I'm gonna have a conversation with him for the rest of my life about him not not not not showing up on time in the morning when I need to get for a walk? No, I don't think so. I think that he gets it now that it it it goes with my time.

SPEAKER_03 27:03

Right. And I think that's part of unconditional love.

SPEAKER_07 27:05

Yeah.

SPEAKER_03 27:06

You uncon so I did not unconditionally love my ex-husband. Yeah, I didn't, looking back, not at all. Yeah, I don't know how that happened or why it happened. I'm sure if I looked into it, I'd find a reason. But you know what I mean? But for instance, leaving the washing next to the hamper would would would bother me. Yeah. Emily does it all the time. Yeah. Does it bother me? I'm like, Em, pick up but but I unconditionally love her. Correct. And it doesn't piss me off enough. It doesn't. Whereas him doing it, I'd be like, oh my god. Yeah.

SPEAKER_07 27:41

You know. And also you can't really separate from your child, if that makes sense.

SPEAKER_03 27:47

I just unconditionally love her, and I did not unconditionally love him. And I know that about myself. Like I know that the things that bothered me with him don't bother me with other relationships. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So that's part that's you know, that's partly I don't want to say my fault, yeah, but that's that's on me. That's on me. So you uncondition there's certain things that because you love unconditionally love your husband, yeah, that aren't gonna bother you.

SPEAKER_07 28:13

You know, I mean it bothers me, but it's um not enough.

SPEAKER_05 28:17

What am I gonna do?

SPEAKER_07 28:18

And I'm sure there's plenty of things that bother him that he's like, ah, fuck her, you know, but it is what it is. I love her. You know what it is? Yeah, you know, I think so too. You know, I think it goes both ways at the end of the day.

SPEAKER_03 28:31

Yeah, so well, I'll I will ask you a question. You both were ready for Adriana, right? And then you worked through some stuff. Were you both discussed with each other, like you both went over it and in detail, and were you both ready for Sophia?

SPEAKER_07 28:49

We I think in hindsight, we were more ready for Sophia than we were for Adriana. I think Adriana was our first. We had no clue what the hell was coming towards us, if that makes sense. Obviously, aside from having a child experience it. So, no, for that because it was after her that all the problems starting happening, not because of her, but because we hadn't had a child before. We didn't know the exhaustion, we didn't know that we wouldn't be sleeping the same, that it would require more help. We didn't think about those things for us. And we just wanted to bring a child into this world because we loved each other and we know we knew that child was going to be loved no matter what. Right. With Sophia, however, we went through our shit. And that's why I'm saying we were more ready because we worked on those issues, we were then more ready to bring her into the world because we knew what was coming at us. That makes sense.

SPEAKER_03 29:49

Yeah. Someone shared with me once, a long time ago, that when you're when you're in a marriage and and they're not helping much, right? Your partner, husband, wife, whatever, when they're not helping much, when the second one comes along, they realize they have no choice because you need, you know, ideally, yeah, idea in the ideal world, there's two people with helping with the with two kids. Yeah. And I and it's true.

SPEAKER_07 30:16

Yeah, I I'm laughing because with Adriana, Juan had the hardest time changing the diapers. Not because he didn't want to, but every time she pooped, he couldn't do it. Like he just couldn't do it. But I think it was more in his head than anything because with Sophia, no problem.

SPEAKER_03 30:38

Listen, now I watch him change change her standing up.

SPEAKER_07 30:42

Like he's not so I think it goes with that. That learning curve. Yeah.

SPEAKER_06 30:49

But yeah, oh I he would be like this changing her like this every time.

SPEAKER_07 30:59

To the point where I would get so annoyed, I would just do it myself because he could it would take him like 10 minutes for us like he'd have to walk out and come back.

SPEAKER_03 31:10

Oh my you know, there was someone in my in our life when when M was born. Yeah. And he would come and watch her on like a Thursday, and I'd make I'd make like a shepherd's pie, and I'd leave it and I'd go to work. Love shepherd's pie. And I was always on time Thursdays because he would he would come. And I remember his wife saying, Well, he's not gonna change an he's not gonna change an appbeat with diaper. And uh I was like, Okay, I mean, what am I gonna do? I got you know what I mean? Yeah, let me tell you that man when it was just him and the baby and he had no choice, yeah, he changed her, no problem. Yeah, but he'd raised four boys and never changed them, apparently. But he changed Emily, no issue. Wait, that sucks for her. You allow what you allow, I guess. I know, but that sucks. Yeah, I imagine. That sucks. Yeah, but we're in you know, times have changed. No, that sucks. Uh-huh. Fucking success. Yeah. Yeah. I will say though, I don't think my dad has ever changed one of my kids. But he's never been in a position where he's had to. I mean, has he changed you? Is the question. Probably not. You know what I mean?

SPEAKER_04 32:17

You know, like so, but it's funny how neither have they. Actually, no, my mom has changed the girls.

SPEAKER_03 32:24

Yeah. I don't even Yeah. My dad definitely didn't. I remember my mom changing one of my girls and she put this is how to put it on back to front. Yeah. So, but he used to come every Thursday and he would ch he go uh he would change her, no issues. Well, yeah.

SPEAKER_07 32:40

Yeah, I think when you're same for Juan, he figures it out. When I'm not here, he's gonna figure it out.

SPEAKER_03 32:47

Yeah, he has no choice. The same when Emily was little, two of her uncles would come and and look after her. Um I mean, it took both of them to change her, but they got it. Now one of them has three beautiful little girls. Yeah, you know, so it was like good practice. Yeah, you're welcome. Yeah. So yeah. I think that I would love to hear from somebody though, if if if they were in a bad place and then had kids, did it turn their world around in a positive way? Because I wonder, there must be people, there must be people out there, right? That like, you know, were planning on separating, found out they got pregnant, stayed together, and maybe it worked out. I don't know. Yeah.

SPEAKER_07 33:32

No, no, I'm just thinking. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I I mean, same. Like, I just want to know if if you had issues and problems in your marriage, and then did having another child bring you closer or further apart?

SPEAKER_04 33:52

You know?

SPEAKER_07 33:52

Same thing. Yeah.

SPEAKER_05 33:59

Yeah, bringing another child into this world may have brought you closer to your partner or further apart, but I don't know. I do not.