She's Not Done

When Did We Learn to Hate Our Bodies?

• Kouelee & Andrea • Season 1 • Episode 16

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0:00 | 46:15

How much of the way we see our bodies is actually about our bodies… and how much of it is about how we feel inside?

In this episode of She’s Not Done, we get honest about body image, confidence, aging, motherhood, food, comparison, and the years many women spend believing they’re somehow not “good enough.”

We talk about looking back at photos from our 20s and realizing we were criticizing bodies we’d now call incredible, the unhealthy eating habits that can start young and follow us into adulthood, and what happens when body image keeps us from fully participating in our own lives.

We also get into why commenting on someone’s weight—even as a compliment—can do more harm than we realize, how raising daughters has changed the way we speak about ourselves, and why taking the picture matters even when you don’t feel your best.

And maybe confidence has much less to do with what we see in the mirror than we think.

Because sometimes your body can look exactly the same… and you can feel completely different inside. 

Timestamps

00:00 – Body image: how do we feel about ourselves today?
03:15 – Looking back at our 25-year-old bodies
06:20 – When unhealthy eating habits start young
10:00 – Trying to achieve the “perfect” body
13:00 – Gaining weight after motherhood & avoiding pictures
16:00 – Take the picture: your kids won’t see what you see
19:30 – Can we blame social media for body image issues?
23:00 – Stop commenting on women’s bodies
26:30 – Raising daughters changes how we talk about ourselves
30:00 – Missing events because you don’t feel good in your clothes
33:45 – Confidence: does it come from peace or appearance?
37:15 – Movement, routines & healthier coping mechanisms
40:30 – Loving yourself without needing to love every part of your body
43:00 – Final thoughts: does every woman struggle with body image?


Thank you for being here! And remember, you are NOT alone and you are Not done.

xxx Andrea & Kouelee


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SPEAKER_02

Summit with body image like um so yesterday I got up and I was meeting a friend for a walk and I didn't feel good about myself. This is why I'm sharing because it's all in our head. So I didn't feel good. So we went for a walk, then I went, she left, then I went for a run, and then I went for another walk. So by the end of the day I'd done 10 miles. I felt amazing. I want to point out my body looked no different. No different. But I felt amazing. Amazing. So I think I guess my question is, I know that when I start to my my eating issues can still raise their ugly head, right? Like if I I realise now that it's usually in a really stressful situation, right? So I'll like not eat or thoughts will go through my mind, whatever, I'm not. So I have to, I know now that that's unhealthy. So I have to find other coping mechanism. So when I'm stressed, I have to, you know, move my body, exercise, meditate, uh, like talk to another person about what's going on inside. All of these things are what helps me get through that. Um, so I wanted to see, do you have like what's your solution, or are you still trying to figure that out?

SPEAKER_01

I know that if I have put a habit into place, that well, things gotta help me put it this way.

SPEAKER_02

Hi guys, welcome back to She's Not Done. I'm your host, Andrea, and I'm your host, Cooley. I am still divorced.

SPEAKER_01

I'm still married.

SPEAKER_02

So today we're talking about something that is uh might be emotionally difficult.

SPEAKER_01

Yeah, I think I think all the feelings emotionally triggering, difficult. So today is body image, yeah, and how we view ourselves as women, would we possibly go through mentally, obviously physically I think right off the bat, one of the questions that I wanted to ask you is how do you feel in your body today versus how you felt when you were 25?

SPEAKER_02

It's crazy because today so comfortable in my body, but it has been a really long journey. Yeah. You know, and I look back at pictures of when I was 25 and I can remember those thoughts that I was having, and I'm like, what the fuck was you thinking? Yeah. I mean, what does look ideal to anyone firstly, right? So in my mind at the time, I I I I don't know if I ever didn't feel skinny enough. I just think I never felt good enough.

SPEAKER_00

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02

And that transpired like into I like I guess I I directed it into my body and what I ate and what I didn't eat and just really unhealthy behaviors that followed that to try and get what I thought was this perfect body. And looking back at my pictures now to me, the 25-year-old me looks incredible.

unknown

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02

And I mean, like in all of the ways, like I just I what was I thinking? Yeah, and I think I I hope I I'm sure there's a lot of women out there that feel that way. I don't know whether it's come with age or divorce or parenting or raising girls, especially raising the girls. Like I it it's made me reprogram my thought process of don't behave that way. Yeah, you don't want them to be, you know, oh I hate this about myself or hate I really don't do that anymore. Whereas I used to freely do that and nobody corrected it. And it's not anyone else's job to correct it, but I'm just now I have the girls, I'm more conscious of it. So I think now the way I feel in my body, I'm just so comfortable. I'm comfortable. I mean, am I gonna go to the beach in a G-string bikini? Definitely not. You never know. But you never know.

SPEAKER_01

You never know. This is true. You never know. Maybe not today, but maybe a year from now, maybe five years from now, maybe ten. Yeah. You really never know. I think that as women, I think the amazing thing about us women is that we can go through so much, but at the end of the day, we figure it out some way or another to get back to how we want to be, whether it's unhealthy or healthy. Yeah. We we we get it done. And I mean, I think for me, the the hardest part is like you said, it's raising the girls. And one thing that I can control with them while they're so little is what they're put they put inside their bodies without having to want to control it, if that makes sense, you know. So I've always been very conscious of what I give them to eat. You know, I don't give them any dyes or I try not to. Obviously, they're gonna have some candies where there's some dyes in it, you know, but things like that I try to control when I can. You know, we grew up on eating basically everything and anything. And I think do I think that that contributed to my unhealthy eating habits? I don't think so. But I I wish uh we have to say unhealthy eating habits.

SPEAKER_02

What do you mean by that? What was your unhealthy eating habits? And what was your age then?

SPEAKER_01

I mean, for me it started, I think maybe I would say 14. And so I grew up well, I went to high school in Germany. German people in general are built very lean, there's no curves, you know, they're just very athletic people. You know, this is a population that rides their bikes everywhere, right? Walks everywhere. I mean, in Europe in general, usually in England. You we walk everywhere, we know we're and so I grew up like that, but my body, me being half black, is not that athletic, well, athletic built maybe, but not lean, not thin in a sense. Yeah, you know, so I think my body image of myself started early on at like, yeah, 13, 14, and then I had unhealthy eating habits where my mom would cook healthy meals, but I would go to bed, wake up, and then go back and sneak in something else. That's just how it was, because I was either still hungry or and it's like you know, the battle when you tried not to do something so hard, but then you just I feel like it pushes you more and more to do it.

SPEAKER_02

Obsessive thinking. Now you're obsessively thinking about it. So you probably lie in bed obsessively thinking about what you wanted out for.

SPEAKER_01

And I carry this on till this day, the same habit. Like I will go in the middle of the night if I wake up, even if I'm not hungry, to go and have something to eat, like a snack. Like it could be something little, it could be something, like obviously I'm not gonna have a full meal, but I'm going to have something, a piece of apple, it could be a piece of candy. Not every night, but it happens that it in the middle of the night, I will wake up and go and eat something.

SPEAKER_02

Do you think that that's do you think that that's giving yourself joy in what you want to do? Or do you think it's unhealthy?

SPEAKER_01

I mean I think it's unhealthy. I think it's truly that habit is truly unhealthy. Yeah. I it doesn't give me any joy because I hate myself every single time.

SPEAKER_02

That's the that's kind of what I was asking.

SPEAKER_01

It's built inside me. I don't know how to stop it. When I do try to stop it, then I'm miserable because then I think about it even more.

SPEAKER_02

Right.

SPEAKER_01

Like it it will keep me up at night. Like that's how crazy it is. So then that turned into obviously, you know, then I came here and I was what 21 and then met Boca, and you know, we were both like thick girls in a sense, you know, not that thick, but in our opinions, thick. And we're just talking about it the other day. But we started taking those pills, oxyolite, I think it was called.

SPEAKER_02

Are those the ones you could get at like the petrol station?

SPEAKER_01

No, I think it was like a GNC. Is it called GNC? Yes. And when I am telling you, we both looked anorexic. You were basically taking an entire day without a problem. And it was so bad. But hey, in our minds, we looked fucking incredible. When I look at those pictures now, I am like I look like a 12-year-old.

SPEAKER_02

Yeah, pale and unwell. You see it now.

SPEAKER_01

But in the moment, yeah.

SPEAKER_02

How those jeans fitted in that moment. Oh my god. And they just slipped right on.

SPEAKER_01

Great. Great. I think that now I I still struggle with a lot with like bad eat not bad eating habits, but just a bad body image. Right. And so it's always up and down, up and down. And then I don't know if you remember, maybe I'll insert a picture. But after having Adriana, a year after, I was 215 pounds. Never in my life have I been, I've always been thicker, but I've never been 215 pounds. I went up to 215 pounds. I was absolutely miserable to the point where I was not even taking pictures with her.

SPEAKER_02

That's I I struggle with that a lot. Not liking something and not wanting the picture or trying to take it. I'm done with that. I'm taking the picture.

SPEAKER_01

Yeah. You have to because at the end of the day, I have never looked back at her picture of me and my mom and be like, my mom looked so she was so ugly. Yeah. Never. Even if she looked tired. It never, I never even.

SPEAKER_02

You just have joy in looking at the picture of you and your mom. Right? But here we are. I know. It's a sickness.

SPEAKER_01

And we're literally, I stopped taking pictures with her for like probably a good year.

SPEAKER_02

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01

And I'm just like, so an entire year of my life, I have no pictures with my one-year-old.

SPEAKER_02

Making up for that.

SPEAKER_01

Yeah, but it's so it's so sad. But even now I still have like sometimes I struggle. You know, when we take a picture, it's like, ah, I don't like this one. Ah, don't like this one.

SPEAKER_02

Yeah. Well, what do you think my thought process on this is because I've been thinking I think about this often, right? Like I was extremely underweight in my teens. And it's definitely teen teenaging teenager years is definitely like happens a lot for girls, right? And I'm sure boys too, but I'm not one, so I don't know. But uh I think about this a lot. For me, it wasn't social media or what people expected of me, because back then I'm saying it like I'm really odd, but we didn't. We were out all day, no, like I mean, you had like the jokes amongst the kids, but I didn't, I never felt, I never felt as a kid fat or overweight, or I just never felt good enough. And I think that not feeling good enough transpired into me controlling something else, which was what I put in my body, so I wouldn't eat, or you know, I'd eat, I I'd binge and then throw up. So like that was a control thing, but I don't ever specifically remember thinking I'm not skinny enough. That came later.

SPEAKER_01

Yeah. No, I didn't, yeah.

SPEAKER_02

I think like back then I didn't have to so I guess my question is I wonder if it was in me, because it couldn't have been society, right? It wasn't society back then. It wasn't it wasn't social media and trying to look perfect and get the perfect picture. I mean, it's a good question.

SPEAKER_01

I don't know. Could it have been TV, could it have been your friends? I don't know, your your environment.

SPEAKER_02

I just don't know where it came from.

SPEAKER_01

Yeah. Just you know. I mean, but if you say, yeah, that you've never felt good enough and that translated into you losing weight, yeah. I mean, that's I I never went through that. I just felt fat. You know what I mean? I just didn't feel like I was skinny enough. So it was never I'm not good enough or anything like that. I mean, I've had those thoughts, but I don't think that translated into my eating habits at all, because I was a pretty popular kid in in school. I never struggled with friendships or anything like that.

SPEAKER_02

Right. No, I didn't struggle with friendships. I did, I obviously struggled with not a healthy family all the time. Right. And I think that's where my control came in. Yeah. You know, and and I have teenage girls now, and I see certain traits popping up as well, and you just don't know. Yeah, you know. I we can't blame everything. I guess what I'm saying is we can't blame everything on social media because Oh no.

SPEAKER_01

I that I know. I I think that yeah, we obviously now are influenced by looking at it. Right. And and and are being told, well, not being told, but hey, this is the this is what you should look like. Or looking at things and thinking that looks white and I look like that. But at the same correct, but at the same time, no one is on social media saying you should look like this. But then again, a lot of people are body shaming online, right? Right. So there's influencers that specifically there's one influencer that I follow, and she was overweight. I think her name is Remy Bader, she was overweight, was getting body shamed like crazy because she was so big, she lost weight, she's still getting body shamed. It doesn't matter. That's what I'm saying.

SPEAKER_02

People are gonna have something to say.

SPEAKER_01

But so that's the problem, I think. I think it's not like basically people telling us like what to do, but it's the fact that no matter what, whether you're big, you're getting body shame, whether you're skinny, whether you're athletic, no matter what, there's always gonna be somebody. And at the end of the day, because they're unhappy with themselves, this is what they do, right? And then they make us feel that way.

SPEAKER_02

So there is a scenario where you know, girls are at school and one of them is shaming the other one about what they're eating, or are you gonna eat that, or are you gonna and I'm sure it came from somewhere like not meaning, but it then made the other girl feel like she can't eat that anymore, or shouldn't eat that anymore, and it triggered something in them. Now that may have caught up anyway. However, we'll never know.

SPEAKER_00

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02

So I think we just have to be conscious of I know I'm conscious of how I talk to people. Even if I see they've lost weight, I'm not gonna tell them they've lost weight unless it's something they bring up because I feel like even that can we don't know what they're going through. I'm certainly not gonna tell someone they've gained weight. Telling them they're too skinny is as equally as disturbing as telling someone they're too fat. Like just we need to not be commenting on women's bodies.

SPEAKER_01

Women or men.

SPEAKER_02

Or men. I do feel like this is definitely more 100%, yeah. Much stronger in the in the women area than it is them. Like I don't see, I don't see men going, oh my god, does my butt look dig in these chains? Yeah, you know, like that's just not it's it's it's in us somehow, in our DNA, to just not feel good enough.

SPEAKER_01

Well, but that's also I think that it's also in our well, not DNA, but I think it's also ingrained in us because we grew up around a modeling world. There is such a thing as a modeling world, and most models are women, you know what I mean? So, and most models are not overweight, most models are not plus size. That just started. I know only a couple brands now are featuring that.

SPEAKER_02

I love Target, yeah. I love walking into Target because it's inclusive of it's inclusive of everybody, yeah. Everybody, and I that's what I want to see more of. Listen, if you want to look a certain way and you work out, I think that's phenomenal too. But we can't all be that perfect. Yeah, we're gonna have lumps and bumps. And this is this is my thought process now. I'm 47, I've birthed two children, I grew two children, I fed two children, my body has done, I've run a half a marathon. Yeah, my body has done such incredible things. Why am I concentrating on the things I don't like? Yeah, I need to reprogram myself to concentrate on the things that I love. Yeah, and you know, yesterday I worked out, and the the things that I was able to do yesterday is because my body it is strong and able to do that.

SPEAKER_01

Yeah, I think that, yeah, you're absolutely right. We do have to focus on the positives, but yeah, I mean it's it's hard. It's hard because you know, it's I don't know. I feel like even like in general, after you give birth, what do they say? It takes what seven years mentally, physically to get back to yeah, seven years.

SPEAKER_02

I think I'm way behind.

SPEAKER_01

No, but for a woman to feel herself again, yeah.

SPEAKER_02

I'm still behind.

SPEAKER_01

Physically, that's how long it takes, you know. And I think that as women, we're just never, we never stop criticizing ourselves. Right. You know, that you know, whether it's it's at work, whether it's in our clothes or whatever the the case may be, but I think it's just it's just hard to get to that mindset because there's just so many things working against us in order for us to feel a certain way.

SPEAKER_02

Yeah. I have a thing on Saturday night, and I'm telling you, I've c I've considered not going because I don't feel nice enough in an outfit. Like, isn't that that's insane? I'm gonna miss out on a function. I'm gonna miss out on someone else cooking for me, I'm gonna miss out on socializing with friends that I love because I'm I don't like the way an outfit looks on me. Yeah. So that's I'm gonna have that battle for the next 72 hours with myself.

SPEAKER_01

I mean, that makes me sad. Because it just makes me sad in general, not just for that, but because I know that I go through the same. And I know that there's so many women that go through the same thing.

SPEAKER_02

That's what I want my kids to feel, no matter what their size is, no matter what their size is. I want them to love themselves.

SPEAKER_01

But at the same time, I'm not gonna lie, if my child is overweight, I know for a fact it's gonna bother me, not because she doesn't look incredible, but because she might have those thoughts. You know what I mean? You're gonna say that yes, you felt onto your child. And it's hard because the harder I don't want to do that, the more I feel like I'm going to do that.

SPEAKER_02

And that's dangerous.

SPEAKER_01

Yeah. I would never want to be that parent. I want to support my my kids whatever way they want to look, however they look. But you can't help because I went through it. Maybe if I didn't go through it, but I know those feelings, and I would never want her to go through that. I would want her to appreciate how beautiful she is, no matter the size.

SPEAKER_02

Well, the only I not the only way, but I think by teaching them healthy, healthy habits, praising them, and them seeing you loving yourself. Yeah, yeah. Yeah. But that's that's you're their you're their main source of education, love, information. Like they're gonna look at you and and and that's you know, there's times that I've caught myself saying it, saying something, and nothing huge, but like to me, nothing huge, and and Ari will be like, Mame, why would you talk to yourself like that? And I'm like, oh my god, you're so right. I'm much better at it. But I really think being a parent has helped me love and appreciate myself. Yeah, like these kids do more for us than they ever realize. It's not their job. I'm just saying, like, in the in the long term, changing your thought process.

SPEAKER_01

100%. Oh my god. The amount of times that I come downstairs after getting dressed up for work, and Sophia and Lulu, oh my god, mommy, you look so beautiful. Oh my lovely women, I know. Yeah, yeah. And I'm just like, oh, thank you.

SPEAKER_02

You know, like that's just and you could be having your worst feeling, Dad. And you come down, and that's the thing, the way we see ourselves, other people don't see us like that. Other people wouldn't be like, oh my god, look how fat her arms are, because that's how I feel, right? Or oh my god, why is she wearing that?

SPEAKER_01

Other people don't even look at those things. I heard something the other day that whatever your parents cheer you on for, where did I hear that? Whatever your parents cheer you on for, that's what you become. So if your parents cheer you on and say, you know, you're so beautiful, like they tell you all the time you're so beautiful, you're gonna grow up thinking, Yeah, you're beautiful, you're so smart, yeah. I'm smart. If they this is what they cheer you on for, meaning like this is repetitive. This is not just like here and there, it's constantly, you know, and then mean me think, so what did my What they say to me then because I don't know.

SPEAKER_02

Me either. I mean, I do. I'm just not gonna share right now.

SPEAKER_01

I don't think that that generation did that anyways. No, I really don't think so. I think this started like maybe with millennials, where we're teaching our kids, or maybe before then, where we're praising our kids more and and being like more vocal about it. I don't think previous generations did that much.

SPEAKER_02

Well, previous generations where children should be seen and not heard. We were out of grades.

SPEAKER_01

It's it's not yeah.

SPEAKER_02

We were out all the time running around. I mean, that was another thing that is healthier. We were out all the time running around.

SPEAKER_01

That's very true.

SPEAKER_02

You know what I mean? So that was healthy. I mean, I was eating blackberries off the bushes down the canal.

SPEAKER_00

Same.

SPEAKER_02

And you know, out and about all day and drinking stream water.

SPEAKER_00

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02

I wouldn't do it here. I might drink the stri stream water in England, but yeah, but we were out. Yeah. So, you know, we I definitely feel like you're right. Back then, our parents didn't do that. They didn't praise us. It was like we were lucky to be around, I guess. Yeah. Seriously. Yep. And figure it out yourself.

unknown

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02

Which I don't think is a bad thing either. I don't think so. So I think like the overloving and the underloving, and and I've said this a hundred times. Yeah. I speak to my therapist about not being loved enough, right? And my kids will probably speak to their therapist about being loved too much.

SPEAKER_01

Yeah. So I agree with that.

SPEAKER_02

Maybe we just all need something to talk to our therapist about. But there's gotta be a middle ground. Yeah. And maybe our kids will find that middle ground.

SPEAKER_01

Yeah, I mean, I think this is why you have different generations. Different generations go through different things. I mean, even now, like even in fashion or in home decor home decor, right now, for example, everything that you saw at your grandma's house that was hideous, you see coming back, and you're like, oh my god, that's beautiful.

SPEAKER_02

I just bought the furniture for my living room and the girls are like, mommy, and I'm like, I love it.

SPEAKER_01

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02

But maybe I love it because it's nostalgic for me.

SPEAKER_01

I think me buying my CD player. Oh, it's so you love it. It brings you joy. What? And not only that, it it brings me joy, but it teaches my kids like what it is. I kid you not. Did I tell you the story? I brought it to work. So it got the because it got delivered here late. So I brought it to work because I wanted to set it up and whatnot. And someone came inside.

SPEAKER_02

And they had no.

SPEAKER_01

They put their hands in front of it, said, Cooley, your fan is not working. And this is exactly why I bought this for my kids because I want them to know these things. I want them to know that this is how we listen to music.

SPEAKER_02

Yes, and like my little radio in the kitchen, like my little retro red radio. Emily puts that on all the time. So now she knows how to dial the radio station in.

SPEAKER_01

These are like I love dialing simple things that you bring back from your past in a sense.

SPEAKER_02

Not the retro phone. Not because the dialing phone.

SPEAKER_01

Do you remember what it was? Of course. I remember. I actually just texted my sister that I want to get that for the girls so that they can call each other. Well, it's not actually a rotary phone.

SPEAKER_02

Is that what it was called? I called retro, but you're, I think you're a right rotary phone. I don't know. The one that went around. So you'd be yeah, you'd have to yeah, love that. Could you imagine how impatient our kids would be? What do you mean I have to dial this? Just Siri, call mame, right? Imagine if they had to actually dial the numbers. Yeah, yeah.

SPEAKER_01

Yeah. No, but I told my sister I want to get those dial-up phones. It's like the ones with the cord, the landlines. Lane lines. Yeah. The landlines. So that they can use that and kill each other. Because there's phones like that that came out now for kids. Not sure what it has to do with body image, but I'm just no, but these were all this nice.

SPEAKER_02

That's where editing comes in, my friend. That's your department. I'm gonna do that. Oh my gosh. I I do have to touch on something with body image. Like, so yesterday I got up and I was meeting a friend for a walk, and I didn't feel good about myself. This is why I'm sharing because it's all in our head. So I didn't feel good. So we went for a walk, and then I went, she left, then I went for a run, and then I went for another walk. So by the end of the day, I'd done 10 miles. I felt amazing. I want to point out my body looked no different. Yeah, no different. But I felt amazing. Amazing.

SPEAKER_00

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02

So I think I guess my question is I know that when I start to my my eating issues can still raise their ugly head, right? Like if and I realize now that it's usually in really stressful situations, right? So I'll like not eat or uh thoughts will go through my mind, whatever. I'm not so I have to, I know now that that's unhealthy. So I have to find other coping mechanisms. So when I'm stressed, I have to, you know, move my body, exercise, meditate, uh like talk to another person about what's going on inside. All of these things are what helps me get through that. So I wanted to see, do you have like what's your solution? Or are you still trying to figure that out?

SPEAKER_01

I don't know if I have a solution, but I know that if I have put a habit into place that, well, things that help me, put it this way. I have to go for a walk every morning for 30 minutes with Bubba. I have to. If I don't go, I feel absolutely horrible. I need to clear my head, I need to move my body, that's just how it is. If I don't bring my lunch at work, I will either not eat, which is horrible, or I will order something that's even worse.

SPEAKER_02

Right.

SPEAKER_01

So those are things that I have to do that I have to prep because if I don't do it, and how do they call it habit stacking? I have to habit stack. Okay. If I don't have it stack, my day, thrown off. If I don't go for a walk with Baba because let's say I'm late or I don't feel like it or it's raining and he hates the rain, like if it's drizzling, I'll go. I don't care. Snow, I'll go, I don't care. But if it's like actually pouring, not going.

SPEAKER_02

Right.

SPEAKER_01

If I don't do those things, if I don't prep my lunch, my breakfast for work, my day is a completely different one.

SPEAKER_02

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01

So I have to habit stack in order to do that. I like for that habit stack.

SPEAKER_02

I've not heard of that.

SPEAKER_01

Like it just gives me peace.

SPEAKER_02

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02

Stick to a routine, stick to what makes you feel good.

SPEAKER_01

Yes. Yeah.

SPEAKER_02

I guess, and that comes back to as well making time for ourselves as mums. Yeah. As working mums, as ma like running everything. It's like, how do you make sure you fit those things in? Because if you don't fit those things in by the end of the day, not only are you drained from the kids, yeah, from work, from all the decisions and choices you've had to make, you then haven't fitted anything in for yourself at all. So habit stack, I like that.

SPEAKER_01

Yeah. I think that also what I wanted to know is do you think that confidence comes from peace? Or do you think it comes from appearance?

SPEAKER_02

For me confidence comes with definitely with peace now. Before it was appearance. Confidence for me, it's it's gotta be peace. It's how I feel inside and how I carry myself. You know, when you're when you're down and stressed and and not able to carry anything, okay, for instance, I'm single, right? So I was stressed, I'm I'm trying to deal with the kids and the mortgage is due and blah, blah, blah. And I'm unapproachable. And I know this because there's been days where everything's gone right and I'm I'm feeling good and I'm confident, and I put a pair of trousers and high heels on, and I feel lovely, and I'm walking around and I've been asked out twice in that day. You know what I mean? Like, mm-hmm. So it's like it's it's what's in me. Yeah. Because I don't look any different from that day to that day, but my my confidence level was different, my energy was different, what I was allowing the world to see was different. Yeah. So and I do feel like you know, when you when you're happy and you love yourself, yeah, it lets off a different light.

SPEAKER_01

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02

I mean, I agree. Yeah. I mean, listen, we I I don't know anybody who doesn't want to look good. I want to look good.

SPEAKER_01

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02

I want but I want to feel good.

SPEAKER_01

Yeah, I mean, I just remember the other day I felt like shit. I felt I had my period, I was just tired, still put on a cute outfit, felt horrible in it, but then two weeks prior I had worn that and I felt incredible. I go to work, everybody says, Oh my god, you look so cute. And I felt like the ugliest person on earth.

SPEAKER_02

And you were like, eh.

SPEAKER_01

Yeah. Yep. You know? Thanks. Yeah. Yeah. Your mood, how you feel inside, yeah, changes everything. Yeah.

SPEAKER_02

It does. Yeah. So I think confidence comes with loving yourself, however that looks. You know.

SPEAKER_01

I mean it's yeah, yeah.

SPEAKER_02

And take baby steps, right? A lot of people handle a lot of things.

SPEAKER_01

I mean, it's baby steps, it's consistency, most importantly. And I think, for me at least, that's what I struggle with. I have no problem. I am that person that will be at the gym January 1st, January 2nd, you won't see me there. That's you know, I mean, I won't go to the show anyways.

SPEAKER_02

But we have done that though over the years. I've consistently worked out and you've floated in and floated out and floated in and floated out. And you have a gym downstairs in the Pilates room next door. And when you do it, you love it.

SPEAKER_00

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02

And sometimes and but I'm also at a point where last year when I got really sick, I worked out at boot camp five days a week.

SPEAKER_00

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02

For years, for years. I've done it for years, I've worked out for years, and the last year and a half, I'm like, eh.

SPEAKER_00

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02

I my body needed a rest. I'm still walking, I'm still going for a run, I'm still doing what I can when I can, but it's not obsessive. And I think that's another thing, finding a balance.

SPEAKER_01

Yeah, I mean, when you're a mom, I think that's hard. And a a realistic balance, right?

SPEAKER_02

So I I'm I have a sickness in all things. I have a sickness where yesterday I went for a walk for three miles, but I ended up doing 10.

unknown

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02

I have a sickness in I'm gonna go to boot camp. I've not been to let's say I haven't been to boot camp for a year, I'm gonna go this week five times. I I haven't been to spin, I'm gonna go six times this week. Like stop it.

SPEAKER_01

Yeah, yeah. Yeah, I think realistic, yeah. Yes, that's that's huge, a hundred percent. Realistic. I think that's good advice, just because a lot of times we tend to just overestimate what we actually are going to do. Yeah. And uh yeah, it's baby steps, consistency, and most importantly, a schedule that feels good for you and what do you have going on.

SPEAKER_02

Yeah. And if you're having obsessive thoughts, speak to someone about it. Because you don't have to be in your own head that that long, you know? Yeah. It gets it's it's exhausting up there sometimes.

SPEAKER_01

Yeah. And I just wonder what, like, if I think about my friends, right? And if I know somebody just doesn't feel good about their body, I don't know what advice I would give them. It's hard for me to do that if I felt that way. Like I'll obviously tell them you're beautiful the way you are. I was gonna say, I think But does that help? I don't think that helps because you feel like shit. No offense. Yeah, I love you, but you telling me that I look freaking incredible when I know I don't means nothing.

SPEAKER_02

Because you feel the way you feel.

SPEAKER_01

Right.

SPEAKER_02

I think the only thing you can do for your friend, and this is this is across the board, is love them consistently and unconditional unconditionally. Yeah.

SPEAKER_01

Well, I think that no matter what, I think that as a friend, you do that. Well, you're right. You but like when it comes to things like that, I'm not gonna love you less because you lost 10 pounds or you gained 10 pounds, you know, that's just not gonna be unless it's maybe in a relationship that will happen, you know, like a couple.

SPEAKER_02

Maybe I think, but I think with a couple, when that happens, I I don't know. How do I not? However, I think as you get older, if there's weight gain or unhealthy habits, I think it becomes more of a health issue, like, hey, I'm worried about you.

SPEAKER_00

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02

Not so much like a visual for me. Like, I think I would worry more about them inside, what's going on inside. Um but yeah, I think just but what I mean by that is like maybe not saying you look great or you don't look great, just be like, I love you. Do you want coffee? Yeah, yeah. Hey, I love you. Should we go get cake?

SPEAKER_01

Yeah, right.

SPEAKER_02

Let's eat cake.

SPEAKER_01

Cake makes me feel like that if not addressing someone's body in any way, good or bad. Yeah, I think is you know, and and this is an American thing too. Which I absolutely despise when I see you go to a function and I think it's just ingrained in us, and I do it, which is it it I hate it even more.

SPEAKER_02

You Americanized yourself.

SPEAKER_01

It's like, how are you? Oh my god, you look so great. You too, you look amazing. Now, what if why is that? Like, why why? Why do people it bothers me so much?

SPEAKER_02

Well, does it what if they don't tell you you look great? Would that bother you too?

SPEAKER_01

No.

SPEAKER_02

Just don't talk about it.

SPEAKER_01

Tell me nothing. Say hello, say hi. I well, it's maybe because I hate small talk. We've established that.

SPEAKER_02

Yeah, we I think the world is not.

SPEAKER_01

If I don't think you look, you know what I mean? I don't want to be, don't put me in this position.

SPEAKER_02

I feel awkward now.

SPEAKER_01

Yeah, don't put me in this position. Don't tell me I look great. Like or bad, just say hi.

SPEAKER_02

Yeah, yeah. Or like your dress looks great, but you're like, but yours doesn't. Sorry. You know what I do? I know it's about my girls, and I love it. I love it. Whenever they're out and about, and maybe this is like just learn or who they are, I don't know, but they always give women compliments wherever they go. They do, they do, even at ShopRite Checkout. Oh, I love your nails.

SPEAKER_01

Um every time they come in here, they say something. Yeah, yeah.

SPEAKER_02

Which makes me feel great. I don't think it's a bad thing. I'm laughing because I can totally see you being like, oh my god, what am I gonna compliment them on? You know what I mean? Like you, you, you're like, oh my god, she just told me I look nice.

SPEAKER_01

Your eyes are beautiful. Oh, your gray hair looks great. No, it's just I don't know. I just feel like it's unnecessary. Well, I don't know. Maybe it's just me. I don't, I just see it all the time, and I do it too now, to the point where I'm just like, shut the fuck up. And I know it's gonna come out because it's just ingredients, you know.

SPEAKER_02

It's gonna be weird now if you don't.

SPEAKER_01

Right.

SPEAKER_02

Oh my gosh. I I I don't know. I I will say, like, walking into shops over here took me a long time for them to be like, hey, how are you? But they as they said it, they walked away. Like, you don't fucking care how I am.

SPEAKER_01

I mean, you just totally didn't say that. Yes.

SPEAKER_02

That doesn't happen in England.

SPEAKER_01

In Europe. You just say, Are you okay?

SPEAKER_02

You know, as you're going on and you're doing about your day.

SPEAKER_01

But say hi. Hey, how are you? I hate it so much. I'm good, thank you. I'm fine. I hated so I'm going through a divorce.

SPEAKER_02

There's nothing we talk about it. Could you imagine? I'm gonna do that next time.

SPEAKER_01

Because they really don't care. It's just it's it's say it's like saying it's just saying hello.

SPEAKER_02

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01

But why are you saying how are you?

SPEAKER_02

Just say hello, just say hello.

SPEAKER_01

Welcome.

SPEAKER_02

Welcome to the Yeah.

SPEAKER_01

I don't know, coolly. Oh weird. I don't know what it has to do with body image, but it does because every time you step into somewhere, you look so great. What? Yeah, like what does it even matter? I'm not interested. Like, why is that even a conversation? Because I don't think somebody means it. And then you see these women on TVs, and I love that because, like, on Real Housewives, you always see that, and they see that, and then I don't care about what they're saying, but they always say, like, would you look oh you look so great, and then I see their looks, I look at their eyes, and then lying, like that, like I know you're lying. So that's what I'm just saying, it's unnecessary, and that's like I try to teach my girls if it's unnecessary, don't say it. Yeah, because to me that's important. Like sometimes they'll tease each other and they'll say, I love mommy more than I love Sophia. It's unnecessary. Yeah, say I love you, you don't need to say the rest because the rest causes pain.

SPEAKER_02

Let's not overshare.

SPEAKER_01

Yeah, and I think that if as a woman, if you don't feel good in your body, and some again, somebody tells you you look great when you've just told yourself a million times you look like shit, you feel like they're lying. Do you know what I'm saying?

SPEAKER_02

Yeah, I feel like that's your problem though, not theirs.

unknown

For sure.

SPEAKER_02

You know what I mean?

SPEAKER_01

For sure.

SPEAKER_02

Like I I don't think there's anything wrong with someone comp because you never know.

SPEAKER_01

No, I'm not saying no. I know what's here's the thing. I'm not saying if you're walking, you know, you're having a conversation and you started your conversation and you say, by the way, you look freaking amazing today. Yeah, love that. Your hair looks freaking amazing. Yeah, oh I love your skin. But when you first walk in, yeah, and you're saying, How are you? You look amazing. It's just another how are you that's unnecessary.

SPEAKER_02

Unnecessary.

SPEAKER_01

I'm so angry.

SPEAKER_02

This bothers you.

SPEAKER_01

It does, it really does.

SPEAKER_02

Because I don't want to teach my girls that the first thing that we're addressing is how you see how you look. I know, I know.

SPEAKER_01

About how I am because what if I had said the moment you said how are you? Well, I'm I feel like shit. Would you have said, You look great, you look fucking amazing.

SPEAKER_02

You know what? I've actually made a joke out of this. I've been talking to, and these are people I know, right? And they're like, Oh my god, I feel awful, or like, how are you? Oh, well, you know what? I'm having a really shit time. I'm like, you are, you know what? But your hair looks great, and that's all that matters. And then they laugh, you know what I'm saying? But but I I agree. I do feel like we could talk about body image all day. And I've, you know.

SPEAKER_01

Yeah, I just you know what it is. I feel that I mean, I hope that and and again, influences like this girl that I mentioned, I feel for her because she's putting herself out there in a world that there should be more of, and there should be more acceptance around it because I'm not gonna go there in the bikini and show my body if I feel like shit, and she does and still gets like shame for it. So I feel for her, and I I think that's fucking amazing. People doing that. I would love to see more about it so that we stop saying that it's not okay. Yeah, it should be normalized that anybody we're also different. Everybody is singing. I'm never going to look like a German. I'm never going to. No matter how much weight I lose, I will never have that body built. Right. Ever. Yeah. I'm never going to have the body built of a Swedish person.

SPEAKER_02

And I think that's where it comes in loving yourself.

SPEAKER_01

Yeah. Well, like who you are.

SPEAKER_02

Yes.

SPEAKER_01

And understanding where you came from. Yeah. Understanding your genes, right? Because, for example, me, I have I obsess about my arms. But so does my mom. Like, she has the same arms. So is it alert behavior? No, but meaning like she has the same arms as me that I hate. Okay. So I know it's probably genetics. I'm never gonna have lean arms.

SPEAKER_02

Right.

SPEAKER_01

I have to accept it.

SPEAKER_02

You're not gonna have what you visualize.

SPEAKER_01

Right. I could have probably, if I worked out, like I'm sure I could have leaner arms.

SPEAKER_02

See, there we go, right? How can I how can I make it look different? And when we should just love it for the what it is.

SPEAKER_01

No, you don't have to love it. You can want to look I'm okay. I'm by the way, anybody that wants to go under the knife for whatever reason, do it. Of course. If you love it, do it.

SPEAKER_02

I'm not gonna do it. I might. I mean, I'm not doing it today. Will I do it in the future?

SPEAKER_01

I don't know. I'm never gonna say no. Nope. You know, I mean, I did see something funny the other day. It's bad. It's pretty bad.

SPEAKER_02

It's pretty bad.

SPEAKER_01

There was a a girl got a nose job done, and she said the reason she did it is so that her child doesn't inherit the same nose. Stop it. Stop it.

SPEAKER_02

God, I mean, look.

SPEAKER_01

Oh was it AI? I don't know. Was it true? I don't know. Was it maybe something the internet made up? Maybe. But if that's the case, that's sad.

SPEAKER_02

That is sad.

SPEAKER_01

But no, what I'm saying is we should accept whatever we want to do. Yeah. Oh, I'm not against it.

SPEAKER_02

I have plenty of people around me that have done it. Yeah. I'm just holding off a little bit. Yeah. I'm not I I would never say never.

SPEAKER_01

I I I never I you know what I mean. I mean, there's certain things I I know for a fact I would never do. Right. But that doesn't mean I'm not gonna do other things. Right. Yeah.

SPEAKER_02

I mean, listen, I didn't think that I, you know, years and years ago I didn't think I'd have kids. Years and years ago, I didn't think I'd get then I didn't think I'd get divorced. I mean, I don't want to ever say never.

unknown

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02

You know? Yeah. I say I'm never gonna get married again. Yeah. That's probably true though. I'm probably never getting married again. Yeah. I mean anyway. So with that. That's it for today for body image. I'm sure we'll do another one. I'd love to hear people's um stories and struggles or skills on how to get through certain well, how to love yourself better.

SPEAKER_01

Love yourself. How to like appreciate you for you. Yeah. Like mentally. What mental work do you do that makes you appreciate yourself?

SPEAKER_02

Does every woman have these thoughts? I'd love to hear from people who don't. You know what I mean? Like I wonder. Like if you've just been confident from the moment, what do they look like?

SPEAKER_01

Like if you don't have those thoughts, I would love to see why. Why?

SPEAKER_02

Because what looks beautiful to you may not look beautiful to you. Right.

SPEAKER_01

Because we could be talking about somebody that's uh a plus size. I never had those thoughts. And I love that.

SPEAKER_02

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01

Because maybe they what different? I don't know. I could be talking about a model that absolutely hates her body because she wants to be weight, but she can't.

SPEAKER_02

It could be either way. I actually had people in my life that were underweight and and was constantly commenting on, but I wanna say that's equally as bad as commenting on someone being overweight. Like, stop it. Just stop commenting.

SPEAKER_01

Yeah, I mean, you might be dealing with uh body image issues, you may not. Either way, you know, we'd love to hear and uh know that you're not alone.

SPEAKER_02

And you're definitely not done.

SPEAKER_01

Till next time. Bye.