She's Not Done

Are We Parenting Our Kids… or Trying to Be Liked by Them?

• Kouelee & Andrea • Season 1 • Episode 17

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0:00 | 42:45

Are parents today too afraid of being disliked by their kids?

In this episode, we talk about the uncomfortable side of modern parenting: the pressure to keep our kids happy, the guilt that makes us say yes when we really want to say no, and why being a good parent sometimes means being okay with your child being mad at you.

We get into the difference between wanting a close relationship with your children and trying to be their friend, why consistency actually makes kids feel safer, and what happens when “no” slowly turns into “fine.”

Andrea opens up about how divorce guilt affected the way she parented, while Coley shares why one of her biggest fears isn’t her daughters disliking her today—it’s wondering whether togetherness will still matter to them when they’re grown.

We also talk about social media, taking away TikTok and YouTube, parent guilt, emotional validation, apologizing when we get it wrong, and the reality that we’re parenting ages and situations we’ve never experienced before.

At the end of the day, maybe the goal isn’t to raise children who are always happy with us.

Maybe it’s to raise capable adults who know they were loved enough for us to say no.

Timestamps 

00:00 Are parents too afraid of being disliked by their kids?
02:30 The fear that your kids won’t want a relationship with you when they’re older
05:30 “You can dislike me”—why parenting isn’t about being their friend
08:15 Divorce guilt and saying yes to make up for what kids have lost
11:00 Can parents accidentally try to buy connection with their kids?
14:00 Giving kids emotional safety without validating absolutely everything
17:00 Breaking generational parenting patterns
19:45 Taking away TikTok, YouTube and holding boundaries they hate
22:30 Parents make mistakes too: apologizing and asking your kids for grace
25:00 Happy children vs. capable adults
28:00 Why consistency matters—and what happens when “no” becomes “fine”
31:30 The strict parent, the fun parent, and what kids really need

Thank you for being here! And remember, you are NOT alone and you are Not done.

xxx Andrea & Kouelee


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SPEAKER_04

No, but I I definitely agree with you on that one. Yeah. So I think that, you know, being this you know, having a fear of being disliked by your kids is a real thing. I think that it does happen a whole lot and and and you'll see that in when parents, you know, would rather have a happy child rather than a capable adult.

SPEAKER_01

I have seen it, you know. I've seen it a lot. I have seen it like I've seen parents go no no no no for the same thing. And then give up and just give them a lot of yeah, no like I yeah. But it's not like everything, right? So it's not like I would never say it again.

SPEAKER_00

Hi guys, welcome back to Keith Map. I'm gonna be with Coolie, I use Cookie Boy, I'm married.

SPEAKER_03

Hello. Welcome back. Um today back with another important conversation.

SPEAKER_01

Yes.

SPEAKER_03

Our kids no parents are parents too afraid of being disliked by kids. So for me, right off the bat, I'm gonna say this.

SPEAKER_04

My biggest fear in life, aside from anyone dying, is that my kids don't talk to me when they're older. Oh, that is one of my biggest fears.

SPEAKER_00

I wonder where that comes from. Did you have a great?

SPEAKER_04

I do now. Okay. But growing up, I was a little bit you know, so it was not until I had Adriana that I repaired my relationship with my mom, realizing how I used to be. You know, I think in general, teenage girls, boys, we all go through stuff that in in the teenage years we're not really interested in our parents, anyways. I think that happens to most.

SPEAKER_01

I think that's pretty normal. Yeah.

SPEAKER_04

But I think that my biggest fear is the reason why it is my biggest fear is because of how I treated my mom. I don't want them to not that I don't want them doing that to me. I'm saying I don't want it to be our relationship. So I try my hardest to have those open communications with them. And not saying that my mom didn't, but she didn't. It was not those times were not like that. Our parents were not interested in talking about feelings as much.

SPEAKER_01

Yeah, we definitely care a lot. I don't mean we definitely care more about our children's emotional well-being. I think for me 100% than what it used to be.

SPEAKER_04

Right. 100%. I don't think that our parents, it's not that they didn't care. I don't think that it was a thing to be aware of how we felt.

SPEAKER_01

I think our parents got away from the children should be seen and not heard. We got away from that. Yeah. But but we so we were seen and heard, but we weren't emotionally validated. Yes. Right. And listen, I think there's also parts where that can be too much as well. I'm gonna I'm gonna be 100%. Um, people are gonna disagree with me. Just going through it and and and raising the two girls and all the things that comes along with that. I have found sometimes too much is too much in anything. Yeah. Whether it's validating your emotional feelings, whether it's yeah.

SPEAKER_04

You have to find some sort of of a balance. But I think we're all still learning from what we're used to, trying to repair our damage and trying to have at least girls, our girls, not go through the same and be, I wouldn't say stronger, but be more emotionally intelligent and and and aware.

SPEAKER_01

Correct, and more confident, yeah, and and less people pleasing. I mean, I could go on for hours about that.

SPEAKER_04

So but yeah, so with that said, that is my biggest fear because I went through that of how I treated my parents, and so I'm very nervous and aware of the fact that it could very well happen to me if I don't continue to do the work on myself.

SPEAKER_01

Yeah, I think working on ourselves is is always I think we should always be doing that. I think there's always room for improvement, but I think we also need to like I need to be confident in that I've done enough. Yes. You know, like there can be too much therapy, there can be too much uh you know, like how many there's only so much you can talk about a topic.

SPEAKER_04

Yeah. I mean, yeah, so with that question, as in, you know, are parents too afraid of being disliked? I don't think I'm so even though it's my biggest fear I'm not afraid of it just because I know that I'm definitely steps ahead of what how I grew up. It's not my fear that they dislike me. You know what I mean? That's not my fear, it's just I'm afraid of losing a relationship, I'm afraid of not having a good really good enough relationship that togetherness matters when they're older. Yeah, you know, but being disliked by my kid, no, that you could dislike me all you want because to me it's you know, I'm sure you're gonna dislike me a whole lot with the decisions that I'm making.

SPEAKER_01

I remember the first time Emily was really disliked me. She never said it, but she really wanted this sleepover.

SPEAKER_03

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01

And we weren't doing sleepovers, and we weren't doing sleepovers at this house. Like they could do sleepovers at grandma's or aunts, and you know, like uh sleepover circle was very small, it didn't involve friends at this point. And she was so upset with me and so like frustrated with me because she I wouldn't allow her to go and sleep at this house. And I said, I love you, and this isn't gonna be the last time that you dislike me. Yeah. And she just looked at me like, Why? Because I was okay with it. Yeah. Because my job is to keep you safe, to love you, and to guide you. And you know, there's gonna be times, and is it hard? Oh my god, yeah, I don't want anyone looking at me uh and not liking me, you know. I don't want anyone thinking negative thoughts about me.

SPEAKER_04

So yeah, but in this case, I was like, Yeah, I I think it I I I definitely agree with you. I think that yeah, I don't want anybody looking at me or my let alone my children, I don't want them to be like, oh my god, like I hate her. Yeah, you know, but I think that if I'm raising them well enough to understand good from bad and to understand feelings, to understand why certain things matter or why certain things are dangerous, I'm okay if they dislike me if I make a decision like that. Yeah. You know?

SPEAKER_01

I think for so for for me at the beginning, like during during separation and divorce process, and I know that we we talk about this, and it's not I think it's important to say it out loud. I didn't want them, I wasn't worried of them disliking me. I think during the divorce process though, or during the healing process, I was scared to say no to them for certain things. You know what I mean? Like I was trying to make up for something.

SPEAKER_04

Well, because I think that in my opinion, I think you just didn't want you're already giving them a divorce. Yeah, you didn't want to on top of that be against them like even more. Yeah, so I think like being in their way as a roadblock, just saying yes to a lot of stuff, yeah.

SPEAKER_01

That that that wasn't I think that was my fear, but not not disliking me.

SPEAKER_04

Well, that I mean that was definitely one of my questions, whether or not divorced parents struggle more with having a fear of being disliked. I think for men, yeah. Uh for some men, I don't know, you know, but I don't want to make an assumption, but I would think that it is hard for them in a divorce to begin with, because 90% of the times the kids will be with the mom, so they have to keep it going. How do they keep it going? I think that's where the saying Disney Dad comes in. Yeah.

SPEAKER_01

But I don't I didn't have that experience. We we we as a family have not had that experience. I think that my worry I tried to make up too much of what they were losing, and I didn't do it on purpose, but but like subconsciously, I would try and fix everything, I would try and give them less disappointment, but not again, not afraid of them not liking me because I still drawed the line when when say like, no, you cannot get in that car with that person, no, you cannot have a sleepover at that house. You know, no, you can't go to that concert uh, you know, till till midnight. Like those things didn't matter, but those things I felt like I was confident in my decision.

SPEAKER_02

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01

But yes, definitely coming through a divorce, you do I I did anyway, I don't know about other people, say yes to a lot more things than I probably would have. Yeah.

SPEAKER_04

And I mean, I think it goes for everyone, divorced or not divorced, uh for different reasons, right? Because there's times that, yeah, I say yes because it's easier than saying no. For simple things, you know, where I don't know whether it's a piece of candy or where normally I would be like, no, you know, I might say yes because I just don't want to deal with the tantrum at that point in time. Well, my question to you was But it has to be liked.

SPEAKER_01

Right. You're just correct.

SPEAKER_04

It's more like for the leave me alone. Yeah, yeah, it's just for sure.

SPEAKER_01

Yeah. I mean, sometimes listen, they have more phone time than I would like to do.

SPEAKER_04

I I do think that Juan, for example, has done things to be not, I don't know if I could say more liked. So when when Adriana was younger, he would always come home with with toys. Because I think that's his dad guilt of not being there, and also because he saw how attached she was to me, because she was with me throughout COVID and at home for 18 months. Right. So I do I think that he had a fear of being disliked? I don't know if I would say disliked, but I think that he he he would do things for her to like him more. I don't know if it was his fear to be disliked. I think it was just he wanted what I had with showing love. Yeah, but he wanted what she had with me, he wanted. So I don't think it was because he was afraid of being disliked. I think it was just he wanted the same feeling of what I I was experiencing with her, that closeness. Yeah, you know, connection.

SPEAKER_01

Yeah, and things don't buy connections, that's the thing.

SPEAKER_04

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. And I think he he I think he knows that. Yeah, but I think he definitely has a hard time with that because you will still see him constantly getting toys because it he can, number one, yeah, and because it brings him joy to see them so happy. Yeah, but then they'll come home and treat him like Mommy's hot now. Uh basically. So it's like they'll they'll treat him like he just didn't give them the bet best day of their lives.

SPEAKER_01

Because for their safety, people don't realize kids I'm listening I'm sure kids love stuff, yeah.

SPEAKER_03

100%.

SPEAKER_01

But I know from for my I know for mine they do ask for things, right? Um most of the things they they get if it's if it's valid or needed, but I know that they value experiences and being heard because I see how they react when they're not heard by other people. Yes. They just don't that other person could offer them a holiday in Aruba, yeah, and they're not gonna go. Yeah, because they don't feel yeah, heard or validated and safe. And safe.

SPEAKER_04

Yeah, you know and not safe as in like they're not gonna be safe as far as emotionally, yeah. Yeah, no, yeah. That's why I do see them also, they're emotionally safer with me. That's just they're just closer in that sense, you know. For fun, they'll go to Juan for sure.

SPEAKER_01

He is fun dad.

SPEAKER_04

Yeah, but I think he does want the the safety.

SPEAKER_01

He yeah, he wants the connection, yeah.

SPEAKER_04

But he he connects with them on obviously different levels, but yeah, I think it must be hard for him. I don't know how it feels because I've never had to fight for that, if that makes sense.

SPEAKER_01

Yeah, I think I wonder if it comes from because I know the connection I have my listen, it gets I've had a close connection with my girls from day one. Yeah, and I've put a lot of work into it and relationships, and it's hard, and I've give up on other things and you know, all of that. It's not something I remember the car, you know, it's not something that you can just get, it's something you have to work at.

SPEAKER_02

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01

You know, I was told, well, I want what you have. I said, like to have what I have, you have to do what I do to get what I've got. Yeah. Same way as I don't have this incredible career that you had 30 years that you've built, right? I built this, you built that. Yeah. You you gotta do what I do to get what I get. And I and I wonder if it's part of like because we grew them above them, and the connection is it I wonder for I've never been a man, so it's hard to like is it harder? Is it it's gotta be hard to build an immediate connection when you haven't had that?

SPEAKER_04

I don't know. I I don't think it's that for me at least. I don't think it's that because I think you can build that immediate connection, and there's I've seen some kids go more to their dad than their moms because they don't have their connection with their mom, you know. I've seen that. Yeah, I've seen that a lot. Yep.

SPEAKER_01

Even to this day.

SPEAKER_04

So I I do I don't think it's that. I do think that how you were brought up has a big and how you were treated with emotions has a big effect, in my opinion, on that. Because, for example, right, one didn't great grow up in an in in a family that dealt with feelings, at least that's my perception of it, because of how he was handling stress with Adriana. I remember very specifically this one time where she had a big meltdown and I'm at her eye level trying to just give her the space, but calming her down, but she wasn't calming down.

SPEAKER_01

He took a scooter and was going back and forth to try and distract her, she overstimulated to make her laugh.

SPEAKER_04

Right, and so in that moment I got really upset with him. I said, let her cry, let her have her moment. And because to him it was very overwhelming. The screaming, the crying, the not being able to calm down, he just wants to fix the situation so she could laugh because he didn't know how to deal. I think he didn't grow up knowing how to deal with those emotions with her feelings, being told stop crying, you know what I mean? I don't know, you know, but he was very uncomfortable with he didn't know how to handle it, but now he'll let her cry, like he learned along the way that you just gotta let them have their feelings. It's okay to cry, it's okay to be upset, let them that's how they're gonna learn. But I think that because he didn't have that, he didn't know how to deal with it. So that's why I'm saying I don't think it's I don't think it's that. I think it it has a lot to do with how you were brought up because I think that also the connection that I seek with my girls, not saying that it's non-maternal, but my mom wasn't like that with me, or at least, you know, so I think I seek that because I didn't have it. So I try to give that to them because I lacked that in my life.

SPEAKER_01

I I say that one of my uh one of my things is that I you know, I don't have a relationship with my ma. Yeah, and you know, it is what it is. I'm very close with my dad, always have been. There was some years in between there that I that I couldn't be, but I everything I am with my girls was taught of everything I didn't want to be. Yeah. So I I I don't have like resentment towards either of my parents or anything like that because I I learned a lesson, whatever that looks like, I learned that I didn't want to do that.

SPEAKER_02

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01

And I think along the way as well, there is probably things that I do that is overboard because I'm making up for my gap or my missed childhood, right? But you know, I go to therapy and I wasn't loved enough, and my kids are gonna go to therapy and they were loved too much by me, but I'd rather the second one.

SPEAKER_02

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01

So I don't, I'm not afraid of them disliking me or being angry at me because I know they'll get to a stage in their life where they'll go, Oh, okay, I know why mom did that. Yeah. And they won't have resentments. In the moment, they're gonna like I just took TikTok off one of them.

SPEAKER_02

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01

And I said, Listen, you can hate me all you like. It's it, you're not having it. Yeah, it's it's not good. The the message that you're getting from it is not positive.

SPEAKER_04

Yeah, I mean, a hundred percent. I I was at a point where same thing with Lulu and YouTube, and mind you, she wasn't watching shows that were well, no, if if no, she was watching shows that were inappropriate, not inappropriate as in God knows what content. It was not her age, she absolutely loved it, was connecting with it. Yeah, it was just a little too old for her, right? And and you know, it derailed her for a little bit that yeah, I stopped that, finished, you know, she's fine. She hated me day one, day two, day three, day 10, day 15. She's fine.

SPEAKER_01

Yeah, she'll get over it.

SPEAKER_04

Yeah, but it was my fault. And so those things, guess what? First time parent. I'm learning too. I thought that, you know, because she's also emotionally, I feel like, older. I thought, okay, maybe it's not like a big deal, you know? But and they're all so different, yeah.

SPEAKER_01

You know, Arya can watch a scary movie and be perfectly fine. Yeah. Emily can watch that movie and like yeah, it will play on her mind. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah. And they're, you know, three years, she's three years older. And Arya will be like, eh, you know. Yeah. So you just never know. And I've said the same thing as well. Like, this is the first time I've ever had a 12-year-old and a six-year-old, 16-year-old. Yeah. It's the first time. Yeah. I we had a conversation the other day where she was like, you know, mommy, I don't think you meant it that way, but this is how you said it. She's telling me her feelings, right? Yeah. Most of the time I'm like, oh my gosh, let's validate them. And the other day I was just like, Yeah. Yeah. I have no more left to today to like to try and soften the blow.

SPEAKER_03

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01

I said something, it was relevant, it was accurate. Could I have maybe done it a bit softer? Probably. Yeah. Probably. Yeah. But like it, this is what it is. Yeah. And that's when I said to her, This is the first time I've had a 12-year-old and a 16-year-old, this is the first time I've handled this kind of issue. I'm not always gonna get it right. Yeah. You're gonna have to give me some grace.

SPEAKER_04

She was like, okay. She was so pissed, but but I love that you said that though.

SPEAKER_01

When I'm wrong, I'm wrong.

SPEAKER_04

Yeah, but I I I I mean, I'm I I love that you, yeah, obviously. I mean, I do the same. When I'm wrong, I'm wrong. But I'm saying I love that you explain it that way, you know, for that, yeah, you know, that give me some grace. Like that's I think that's a big deal to say as a parent. Give me some grace. I think it's hard to say that as a parent.

SPEAKER_01

Yeah, it's hard to say I didn't get it right or I made a mistake. And that was one of that's one of the things that they have taught me. Yeah. They have taught me that. It's okay to be, I've had to apologize when I'm wrong because how am I gonna teach them if I'm not willing to admit when I'm wrong? Yeah. Then that kind of borders on the line of, in my in my personal opinion, if I'm not admitting when I'm wrong, that kind of borders on the line of now I'm gaslighting my kids. They know I did something wrong. Yeah. I said something wrong or whatever it was. And I'm like, nah. Yeah. I'm not going to do that. Like, oh my gosh, that was wrong. Yeah. I'm sorry. It doesn't happen often, but it does happen.

SPEAKER_04

No, but I I definitely agree with you on that one. Yeah. So I think that, you know, being this, you know, having a fear of being disliked by your kids is a real thing. I think that it does happen a whole lot. And and and you'll see that in when parents, you know, would rather have a happy child rather than a capable adult.

SPEAKER_01

I have seen it. You know, I've seen it a lot. I have seen it like I've seen parents go, no, no, no, no, for the same thing, and then give up and just give them a lot of people. And I'm like, I yeah, but it's not my parenting, right?

SPEAKER_04

So it's not my place to, I would never say anything, but I think that you had mentioned something in a different discussion that we had where chaos, well, no, something like kids don't like to guess, right? And that guessing will create chaos, meaning that if you're not consistent with your parenting and then they then have to guess which one is the right way, right? It's chaos. It doesn't make them feel safe, it doesn't make them feel comfortable, and then they retaliate. They, you know what I mean?

SPEAKER_01

Yeah, yeah. So that so that's something with Emily. Like, if I say to her, okay, if you do, you need to do this, this, and this, and then you can call your friend, right? Because let's say I've asked her to clean her room 10 times and she hasn't. Now I'm and now I am holding it against her, right? Now I'm like, no, okay, there's no like there's no entertainment, there's no call time until you do that.

SPEAKER_04

Is that called weaponizing? Is that what people call weaponizing? I've literally, as you're saying, I'm like, oh, I think this is what people call weaponizing. Because I do that too.

SPEAKER_01

I I listen, I have no idea, but if I've asked you 10 times in five days, now I'm like, hey, listen, this is but I give her a heads up. This is what's gonna happen if you don't do that eventually. So she has plenty of time, plenty of warning. It's like the teenage equivalent of we're leaving in 10 minutes, we're leaving in five minutes, we're leaving when you've got toddlers. This is the we do the hey, I can we make sure the room's clean by Friday. Yeah, Wednesday comes around. Don't forget, okay, Friday comes. Hey, you haven't Saturday? Hey, listen, no farm privileges until that's done. Yeah, no shouting, no screaming, there's no need for that. Yeah, yeah, in my house. Yeah. Don't get me wrong. Now and then I lose my shit. But now, let's say she does her room and it's 10 o'clock at night, and I'm like, oh, well, you can't, no, you can't make your phone call now. She doesn't comprehend that, but that's not what you said. Yeah. So now I'm wrong. I mean, she's right, I'm wrong. Yeah. I didn't put a timeline on it. Yeah, put a timeline in it. So I can't. That's where I have to say, okay, I was wrong. Yeah. But one of my questions for you is when you say, because I've done this a few times. I've said no to something and I pretty much stick to my no's.

SPEAKER_02

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01

But sometimes I'll say no and then I'll go, why did I say no to that? Like I didn't need to say no to that, but it was just flew out of my mouth. But now I can't go back on it because I am strict in my no is no. Yeah. I don't like doing the no, no, no. Oh, okay. Are you strict on once you've said no, do you stick to it?

SPEAKER_04

Yay. I I think that it depends what it is. So safety basic rules, a no is a no. I'm trying to think of an example where I've said no, and then I I don't think I've said yes, but then I'm just like, but basically it's a yes, right? So can I have 10 more minutes? No. Then I give her five. You know what I mean? Like things like that. I think I'm definitely strict on my no's as far as no. If I say no, it's it's no. There's no negotiating. But I think like I could have like said no more this, and then the next day.

SPEAKER_01

Give it a.

SPEAKER_04

Yeah.

unknown

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01

Oh, I've done that. You know what I mean? Like, no more phone, you're not having the phone, and then the next day, right?

SPEAKER_04

Uh yeah.

SPEAKER_01

But also, I think with that, I definitely need to be and it's such so I'm just thinking about that now, right? It's such a fine line. So I say, No, you're not having that. Um that that's it. That was the punishment. Yeah. The next day, I'm like, okay, you can have it back. Yeah. So I've took TikTok for Mario. Like, no, you're not having it. And I think because of previous times, yeah, like three days later, because she knew this was pretty big, so she didn't ask immediately, but three days later, so can I have it just why I'm uh you know, so and so says, I'm like, no, no, you can't. They will do that on the way here. So now, now it's like three more days on the way here. She's like, So when Auntie Emma comes in, which is like August, right? Yeah, can I have it back then so her things do too? And I was like, no, don't ask me again.

SPEAKER_02

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01

So then we're pulling up at your house and she's waiting for an answer. And she's like, mommy, and I was like, I already answered you. I said, No, like, why are we talking about this stuff? Yeah. So that how do you know she doesn't do it? I have to have trust in her.

SPEAKER_02

Oh, good for you.

SPEAKER_01

So she I I wanted, I was gonna delete it off her phone, and here's the thing this is where this is a good topic. I know that there's parents out there that allow certain things that they shouldn't, even down to like some of the kids in high school. I know that certain houses allow the kids to like maybe dabble in drink, you know what I mean? Or turn a blind eye or whatever. That's um ne that's never gonna be my house. That's never gonna be me. Did I do it as a kid? Absolutely. Yeah, but we're in a different time. Yeah, we know what risk comes with that. So I have I have a certain amount of trust in my kids. I like to give them a the trust, and then if they do something against that, then we have a conversation about it, and I explain why, like what the consequences of that are. So she lost TikTok. I trust that she's not gonna do it. If she chooses to break that trust, that's on her. I'm not gonna let it rent space in my mind.

SPEAKER_04

But how would you know? You would only know by catching her.

SPEAKER_01

Yeah, and I'm not gonna and I and I'm not gonna I'm not gonna obsessively look.

SPEAKER_04

I'm not gonna Yeah, I mean, I guess that with that, and I I completely respect that and I love that. Yeah, you know, because I think it's extremely important that you give them that trust and that you say, I'm gonna trust my kid enough that she's not gonna do it. Yeah, you know, whether she does it or not, it's on her.

SPEAKER_01

Correct, you know? That's something she now has to live with. Yeah. There was a second account that I didn't know about for like a yeah. And when I did find out, she was like she told me.

SPEAKER_03

She's ringing my doorbell.

SPEAKER_02

Your girls. I can see that my girls are here, and then we get the bell and knocking on the He looked at you like a fine arco.

SPEAKER_01

So I found out. I walked in a room and I I'd already took her phone. Not took it, but at night time the phones are not in any of them. So they're in the charge in the in the room. Yeah. And that's not an easy thing to implement either, because we've slowly slipped away from that, and I'm like, whoa, whoa, I love that. They thought it slipped past, and it did, because I was tired. Yeah. Fell asleep before them or whatever. So yeah, we even mine, leave it out in the living room. So I'd gone in her room to say goodnight, and she had her iPad, and she quickly like scammed out, skimmed out something. I was like, What was that? genuinely asking. And she spurted it out. It was her hidden thing, doctor. So I took the iPad over and sat down, and I was like, When you're ready, come talk to me. And I went through it and then we talked about it. And I didn't scream, I didn't shout, wasn't mad. Yeah, I was like, okay, you need to delete that. She's like, now she's confused why I'm not screaming or shouting, but what am I gonna do? You I didn't know you had it, you've told me you have it. I'm not gonna punish you for telling me. There are consequences, and I'm not gonna get into it. She had consequences for it, but it wasn't screamed, it wasn't shouting, it wasn't you know, and I said, now we have to build upon the trust again. So then, you know, a month, two months later, something else. And listen, I think it's perfectly normal, yeah, for my teenage kid to push her limits.

SPEAKER_04

Teenage kid or not, even for toddlers, they're gonna do that. Do so that's how they're gonna learn. Right, right, right. So pushing boundaries, buttons, correct.

SPEAKER_01

And part of me is like she's becoming she's growing into herself, right? And making choices. I want her to make choices now. And I don't always want her to make the right choice because then she has to figure out how to fix it, yeah, or how to make it right. And the same with the same with Emily.

SPEAKER_02

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01

So I I think I think when it comes to like social media and that, I struggle with them, like taking their phones off them. And I don't know if it's because I don't want them to dislike me or if it's because now I have to be like now I have to be now I have to entertain them all, but they don't even they wouldn't even come to me for that. So I don't I don't know what it is.

SPEAKER_04

I maybe I think it's a bit of of everything. I think that, yeah, I mean, there's times where yeah, they're watching TV longer than they should because So do I. I'm tired and I don't want to have to play. Yeah.

SPEAKER_01

And I watch T I get binge.

SPEAKER_04

I want to be on my phone, you know, but at the same time, it's like what do they say? If you don't want an iPad kid, don't be don't be on your phone yourself. Right. You know, so I definitely try my best with that, you know, but our lives are all on our life. The thing is, we're being they're being raised differently than what we were how we were being raised. Yeah. You know, with everything that's going on. We didn't have internet. Well, we did, but it just started coming out. We didn't really have phones or games on the phones or apps, none of that. It was texting, and then that's it. And and and a phone and a phone call, you know. So I didn't have a phone until I was 16.

SPEAKER_01

My first phone, I was oh gosh, I was working three jobs. Yeah, I was 18. I'd had my own place for two years. Yeah. And I got a mobile when I was like 18 years of age.

SPEAKER_04

I remember when I got it because we were different. We didn't have yeah, yeah.

SPEAKER_01

And think about it, like kids don't have-yeah, me and my friend got it at the same time, so our numbers were like one digit apart.

SPEAKER_02

It was so cute.

SPEAKER_01

And I was so, you know, excited.

SPEAKER_04

I mean, and I mean we had to freaking, if we wanted to reach somebody or find someone's phone number, go through the telephone book, the information we needed was not what now we need, we have a question. Hey Siri, I just did it.

SPEAKER_01

Hey, you know what's and if you think about it, kids don't some kids don't even know how to write.

SPEAKER_02

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Script.

SPEAKER_01

Some kids don't even know, like can't even use a pen and pencil. Yeah, you know, and that's because now at schools they're on the Chromebooks or they're on the iPads at home.

SPEAKER_04

So it's like you can only restrict so much. Yeah. Because either way they're gonna get introduced to it, right? They they teach with iPads or Chromebooks or whatever the case may be. And I want them to learn that. I want her to learn technical skills and all that, you know. But yeah, like the apps and and and listen, they learn a lot more with the phones now, and they can Google things.

SPEAKER_01

Like when we with the AI, Chat GPT. Oh my gosh, they just did a training thing at my office this morning about that. That that's scary, Chat GPT. I feel like for me, the AI is scary to me because you can do a whole video of me.

SPEAKER_04

Yeah, yeah. That isn't me. Yeah, that that's scary. I personally love Chat GPT. I think that it's an incredible tool, if you know how to use it, to organize what you need, to to help you like visualize things. Like for me, on the creative side, it's incredible.

SPEAKER_01

You have to have a conversation with Aria because you're contributing to kill killing the polar bears, yeah, and water, apparently. Water, water usage.

SPEAKER_04

I worry about critical. I mean, at this point, my use of Chad GPT, the rivers are empty. I do.

SPEAKER_01

I worry about critical thinking.

SPEAKER_04

Yes, yes. I will say it has taken my ability to do that.

SPEAKER_01

Write a letter.

SPEAKER_04

No, but like it, it has it's quicker. Yeah, so I'm gonna go that way. The the good thing is that I've already learned how to do that. I went through all that. Right. Kids that haven't, right? That's the issue. Yeah. But I I've learned, I've done, I've I went through school, I've done all this. You know what I mean?

SPEAKER_01

But you know how to make eye contact and conversations, you know what I mean? If if kids are not doing that and they're not taking part in yeah, social interaction and doing everything on chat GP. Like I even watch the bus stops in the morning. The kids are all on the phones. You know, like no one's talking to each other. Not just the kids, it's us too.

SPEAKER_04

Adults, anywhere you go, everyone is on their phone.

SPEAKER_01

My job is on their phone.

SPEAKER_04

But everyone is always on their phone.

SPEAKER_01

I know. I I I hope that our kids grow up and it and it's like not.

SPEAKER_04

But that's that's one of the reasons why I want to have those things like a CD player or like a rotary phone. I want them to remember like what the heck he wants to be a part of. Yeah. I want them to remember things like that, or to see like how it worked, or yeah, to the fact that yeah, this is how you call a friend. You don't have to call on a cell phone or that's the thing.

SPEAKER_01

We don't even memorize numbers, Matt. If I'm gonna be perfectly honest, I know.

SPEAKER_04

You know, that's it.

SPEAKER_01

If my phone disconnected right now, I wouldn't know Emily or Arya's phone number to call them.

SPEAKER_04

Oh, mm-hmm. No, I mean I think at that I would probably learn. Okay.

SPEAKER_03

Yeah.

SPEAKER_04

Maybe not. Honestly, I know Juan's phone number and and that's it. Nope. My parents, obviously, because they're still having a landline. I still remember my auntie and uncle's number in England. Yeah. It's the only number I memorized. I remember my even my friends from back home. I remember because that's how you called your your best friend. Still has the phone number. Yeah.

SPEAKER_03

Yeah, it's it's it's things like that.

SPEAKER_01

Yeah, I I don't I so I don't think I'm I don't think that I'm scared of them not liking me, but maybe maybe some part of me is.

SPEAKER_04

But no, I don't for me uh again, my biggest fear is that relationship later in life. I don't know if it has to do with them disliking me on that level.

SPEAKER_01

Yeah.

SPEAKER_04

I think for me, that question or parents too afraid of being disliked is is more an immediate action reaction thing. You know, um if I do this, are they gonna hate me for it?

SPEAKER_01

You know, I don't think it's like a a broader I think as well a lot of working parents, right, say yes to probably a lot more things just because of the guilt of not being 100%. You know, yeah.

SPEAKER_03

I do that.

SPEAKER_01

Yeah, I just had crumble cookie delivered.

SPEAKER_03

Yeah. Yeah.

SPEAKER_01

They wanted it.

SPEAKER_04

Yep. But you know, the thing is in the end, I think that children in general, all they crave is our attention.

SPEAKER_01

That's what they want.

SPEAKER_04

Uh they don't crave anything. Yeah, I don't think they crave anything. I'm sure structure. They'll yeah, uh yeah. They'll they'll crave toys, they'll crave, you know, playing on the iPad, watching TV. But in the end, what matters to them most is they still are gonna look for your attention.

SPEAKER_01

And all these lessons, excuse me. We think that they're in the moment it's really hard, or we think that it's not, it's not sinking in with them. And there was a time where I would just like get up and go to Florida to to escape, I guess, right? Yeah. And I think this was about two years ago. And our washing machine was on this way. And I said to Emily, what do you think about like going Friday and coming back Sunday? She's like, What do you think about getting a new washing machine, mommy? And I was like, Oh my god, oh my god, she's the parent. So, like all these little things that we do, and even though they dislike us for some things, it does teach them like values and structure, and maybe sometimes making the right decision over the fun decision. So it pays off eventually, yeah, I think.

SPEAKER_03

Yeah, I agree.

SPEAKER_04

I I mean yeah, overall, I I I definitely think that do we all sometimes say yes after saying no? I think it happens to all of us.

SPEAKER_01

Yeah.

SPEAKER_04

Because of whatever reason it is. You know, whether it's leave me alone, I need a break, or I just right now rules out the doors, whatever the case may be, we all do it. I wanna know, do you are you afraid of being disliked?

SPEAKER_01

Do you maybe say yes more than you should? And why or were you the no parent? I think I'm the I don't know.

SPEAKER_04

I I mean I'm definitely not the fun parent, that's for sure.

SPEAKER_01

I'm not the fun parent.

SPEAKER_04

No, I say, you know, it's it's when it comes to rules, it's yeah, that's they go back to me.

SPEAKER_01

Yeah, I'm not I'm not the fun parent.

SPEAKER_04

No, and and I think I posted a video the other day of that, you know, the fact that I'm not the fun parent, I'm the parent that will get you from A to Z. I'm the parent that will get you ready, I'm the parent. I'm okay with that.

SPEAKER_01

Me too.

SPEAKER_04

You know?

SPEAKER_01

My dad's the fun parent. Yeah.

SPEAKER_04

My dad's the parents. I think most dads are fun parents.

SPEAKER_01

Well, he's the fun parent to my kids too.

SPEAKER_04

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01

The grandparent, but he's the fun one. Him and so are definitely the like Emily just went there on her own for 10 days. You know, and then I said, Welcome back, clean your room.

SPEAKER_04

Yeah. That's me. The fun is out the door, the moment they come in, in a sense, you know, and I'm okay with that. I think that I'm not afraid of them disliking me for that.

SPEAKER_01

Right.

SPEAKER_04

I think will they be annoyed by me? A million percent. Will they hate me for sure? I've had the I think regardless, they're gonna hate me.

SPEAKER_01

Yeah, not from not from Ember, definitely. Yeah, and then apologies come after and they don't mean it. And you know, the first time I heard it, I was like, oh yeah, it hurts. Oh, it hurts so much. The second time I was like, the third time I was like, you know what, I'm doing something right that it's hate, mate. Like it I hate it.

SPEAKER_04

It's true.

SPEAKER_01

It's like you can't here's how it is you can't take it personal.

SPEAKER_04

No, but best example that I said, where one will give them the best data I've ever had, take them somewhere, buy them dinner, buy the toy, and they come home and F you. Yeah, you know what I mean? Yeah, even though I'm the one that's always like, no, don't do this, don't touch that, don't do that.

SPEAKER_01

Yeah, yeah.

SPEAKER_04

So they know this structure, yeah, yeah.

SPEAKER_01

Let us know if you are afraid of being disliked by your kid.

SPEAKER_03

Either way, you're not alone. You're definitely