Perception Versus Truth

Healing, Loss, and Perception: Navigating Identity After TraumaIn this episode of the Real and Rooted Wednesday Dive-In, Lori Kendall explores the profound experience of grief, loss, and how traumatic events reshape our perception of ourselves and others. She offers compassionate insights on navigating the journey of rebuilding identity and recognizing the little things that matter in recovery.Key Topics:

• The concept of healing as stepping into who you've always been, not becoming someone new

• The emotional impact of losing a loved one and the importance of space to grieve

• How grief and trauma reshape identity, beliefs, and relationships

• The societal tendency to overlook or judge those experiencing loss

• The significance of small acts of kindness in the healing process

• Recognizing warning signs in loved ones and the importance of paying attention to subtle cues

• The role of perception versus truth and the power of slowing down

• The gift of lessons and growth found in every loss or challenging interaction

• Encouragement to find and use gifts bestowed by loved ones for personal and communal betterment

• Reflection questions on perception, truth, and the unique gifts of loved ones

Timestamps: 

00:00 - Introduction to healing as embracing your authentic self 

00:51 - The emotional space for those grieving lost loved ones 

01:20 - Personal reflection on grief and identity 

04:32 - The complexity of tough conversations around loss 

04:42 - How we answer when asked how we are 

05:03 - The impact of hiding pain and the societal view of rawness 

05:49 - Understanding trauma and grief's effect on identity 

06:16 - How trauma causes us to lose ourselves in the situation 

06:52 - The meaning of military honors and the perception of sacrifice 

07:26 - Society’s failure to listen and understand genuine pain 

08:23 - The influence of societal perceptions of marriage and success 

09:15 - The personal experience of traumatic loss and feelings of being lost 

09:44 - The toll of surviving in fight or flight mode 

10:28 - The importance of understanding and giving space to others 

11:12 - Who we are walking into the future after loss 

12:02 - The timeless message: don’t judge a book by its cover 

12:31 - The slow process of rebuilding and appreciating small acts 

13:30 - The significance of noticing small things in others’ rebuilding journeys 

14:19 - The story behind the book "Missing Pieces" and warning signs overlooked 

15:10 - Recognizing the influence of perception versus reality 

15:34 - The importance of active observation and engagement with others 

16:21 - Lessons and gifts found through loss and interaction 

17:06 - Reflection on perception, truth, and the gifts from loved ones 

17:19 - Closing thoughts and invitation to journal and reflect

Resources & Links:

• [Missing Pieces: The Final Salute by Lori Kendall]

Transcript

SPEAKER_00 0:03

Welcome to the Real and Rooted Podcast, where real stories meet grounded healing. I'm Lori Kendall, founder of Reflective Roots, where I work as a grief navigator, a companion for the tough times in life, author of Missing Pieces, the Final Salute, and your host. Each week we'll explore the experiences, the losses, the breakthroughs, and the raw, honest conversations that transform who we are becoming. This is a space to reconnect with yourself, reclaim the pieces that you've lost along the way, and grow in ways you never thought were possible or expected. Let's get rooted and begin. Welcome to the Real and Rooted Wednesday Dive In. I'm your host, Lori, and I'm so glad you have decided to join us. To start the show today, I want to pose a question. What if healing isn't becoming someone new, but stepping forward into who you've always been? Reflective of the past while rooted in the idea of growing for the future. You see, I want to talk about something that I personally struggle with, and I know the many moms that I have talked to as well that have lost a child, they feel it too. So I want to offer this space to rest, to lay down what you've been carrying, the tears that we shed, the confusion, anger, numbness that we feel. Because nothing is too much here. Before we move on, I want to take a pause for a moment. I want to share something deeply personal. It's about learning how to live forward. If you're listening today and you feel like you're standing at the end of life, you're not alone. If you'd like to pour navigating that you can learn more about working with me through reflective roots in the show notes. It's possible that someone asks us after our loss how we are, how we're feeling. But if you're anything like me, I always answer possibly in a way that they're not expecting. Logically, with truth, rather than the superficial and surface level, I'm good, or this week was tough. I wonder if that makes us or shapes our identity, our rawness, as a negative in their eyes. Do we morph ourselves into something less to save our reputation and direct others' perceptions? Listen, I know traumatic loss. I understand the way grief reshapes us, reshapes you. Leaves you asking yourself how it has changed my identity, my relationship, my beliefs, and how impossible it feels to explain it to the world. When we lose something so dear and in possibly a traumatic way, we lose ourselves in the situation. Not to say that we lose ourselves for a moment, but if you're anything like me, I don't know who I am at times anymore. My son Cole was a member of our armed services. And as many other military branches, when our service members are lost, they provide families with a designation no one wants to earn. We're told and presented a gold star, a title, and a pen, like an award. And although I do appreciate my son's service, the sacrifice, and the recognition of his loss, nothing will make me change my perception of the incident, the lack of follow-through of the situation, how desperate the cries were, and no one listened. And that's including myself. How is it as a society that we've become so self-absorbed that we don't take the time to understand the very person beside us? As I said, loss changes us. I'm not just talking about death, but loss. It shapes us. Our past, our experiences all change us. When we marry, we have this ambition to conquer the world. We put on a performance called a wedding. We need everyone to visually see our success. Our arrival at what we deem as success. I think this is why weddings are becoming more lavish. We need the performance to be grand, but we fall in love with the fantasy of what we perceive marriage to be. Where do we obtain this perception? Movies, animations, books? Many will say the relationships that I grew up with. I'll be the first one to tell you when others are around we put our best foot forward. Change occurs when death happens. Depending on the relationship of the person to the survivor will ultimately direct our actions and our healing process. In my case, the traumatic loss of my son. I hurt the people close to me, not intentionally, but I found myself lost. Lost because I have no one to talk to. Lost because I still two years later can't find where I fit. Lost because I've found myself stuck in survival mode. Because it's what I'm used to. Surviving means you find yourself in the fight or flight mode with ultimately no way out. Maybe you have high blood pressure, weight gain. You don't or won't associate with others. But sometimes all you need is others to understand to take a moment. Don't pass judgment, don't make a decision on or stake your perception of who you are as a person when you're at your worst. Take time to get to know the person, who you are, who you're building, who you're becoming. Make judgments on how people get back up, how they rise, and how they're finding their way through life one step at a time. Loss is inevitably part of the story. But who you are under the grief, who you are after the situation subsides, who you are walking forward into the future you didn't ask for, that's what matters. Create your perception and truth in the conversations that you share, the ones that have meaning, in the appreciation of space. Appreciate that I give space to myself because I notice you giving space to my worth. Maybe this was a long way to give light to a lesson we're all taught as children. The cliche, don't judge a book by its cover. Because if individuals who will judge you pass their perception on to others when you are at your worst, they should not be privy to you at your best. Rebuilding takes time. Telling a coworker that you appreciate the thought they've given to your professional relationship. And do I dare say friendship? It's done by saying the little things to others that you notice but don't communicate, such as the value of what they bring to the team, how their attention to detail or their client interactions really solidify the brand in others' eyes. For me, it's the little things that mean the most to those of us rebuilding after loss, after losing everything we thought we knew. I encourage you to not take your or others' perceptions as truth. I encourage you to slow down and recognize where others are struggling. Recognize when they're rebuilding. But there were things my son said to others that were warning signs. I think what happens is we get so encompassed within our own lives that we forget to notice the little things around us. Cole made the comment a few times that he felt lost. Never to me, but to others. It was something that I could see without him even acknowledging it. He spoke of him not wanting to be here and others just brushing it off. I think if we start noticing the little things around us, I think we'll be better for it. A conversation from this past week that I shared with someone told me that sometimes our future is derived not from where we are, but where no one knows us. It illustrates the very key point of this podcast today: perception. Because perception isn't always truth. I would challenge you to do your own investigation, but more importantly, don't be passive in interaction. Notice what's going on with those around you, because much of what we attempt to divide professionally and personal lives, there will be some overflow. And we are inevitably a product of our environment. If you feel lost, know that there are lessons to be had in every interaction, in every experience, in and every loss. I think we are given gifts from our loved ones, and our new puzzle becomes the ability to seek those gifts out, find what they are. And in the end, using those gifts for the betterment of ourselves, of those around us, of our community? Because ultimately those gifts will land us where our future was always destined to be. Today's podcast may be a little shorter than normal for our Wednesday dive-in, but I hope I've given you much thought. Where does your perception drive your decisions? Is it perception rooted in truth? Or is it perception rooted in opinions given to you by others? Where do you perceive your gift lies from your loved one? From your relationship? I want you to ponder on that. Journal about it. And I'll see you right here on Sunday for our Sunday Shoreline. Have a great night. In Missing Pieces, the Final Salute, a mother's journey through service, sorrow, and survival. You'll walk through my story of preparing for the service of grief, of resilience, and rediscovery. And along the way, I hope you find space for your own story. This book isn't about being perfect. It's about becoming whole again, even when some pieces feel forever changed. Order your copy of Missing Pieces today on Amazon or at MissingPiecesbook.com. Join other readers who are finding their own story, encapsulated within the pages. Gain insights and learn more at Real and Rooted Podcast, where real stories take root and healing grows. Missing Pieces, the final salute a mother's journey through service, sorrow, and survival. A story of love, loss, and becoming whole again.