When Birth Doesn't Go As Planned: Grieving the Vision and Trusting Your Body

In this episode, we talk with guest speaker, Sarah, to hear the story of her two very different birth experiences. She shares the grief of an unexpected hospital transfer during her first planned home birth, the healing that followed, and the joy of welcoming her second baby through the peaceful home birth she had long hoped for. 

Blog post: https://www.functionalfourthtrimester.com/blog

Transcript

SPEAKER_00 0:04

Welcome to Functional Fourth Trimester, a podcast created to support new parents as they return to daily life after having a baby.

SPEAKER_01 0:12

Each episode will talk through common postpartum challenges, share practical education and strategies, and hear from real parents and healthcare professionals along the way.

SPEAKER_00 0:22

Whether you're listening during a feeding, a walk, or a quiet moment, this space is for you. I'm Lauren.

SPEAKER_01 0:28

And I'm Melissa, and we're excited to jump right into today's topic. Bring her baby into the world at home. But her son had other plans in mind. He was Breach. A few years later, she got to have the home birthday that she wanted with her beautiful daughter that also has the most amazing head of hair. He also happens to be my cousin, so this one's personal. Let's get into this. Sarah, I'm super excited to have you here today and hear your story.

SPEAKER_02 1:08

Yeah, I'm really excited to be here too.

SPEAKER_01 1:11

Thank you for having me. Yeah, it's gonna be awesome. So I would love to kind of go back to your first birth. So taking back to what that was like. Um when did you find out he was breached? And kind of how did that process look for you when you were you had this vision in mind, and that obviously had to change?

SPEAKER_02 1:34

Well, um, his was an emergency breach. So we did not know he was breached until I was eight centimeters dilated. Oh wow. Yeah. So she was confident at the time, the midwife that I hired, that the baby was head down. And I had an anterior presenta with him. So I didn't have too much movement, you know. So I couldn't really tell. Like a lot of people have certain kicks they feel, and he was just kind of minimal movement. Okay. So I couldn't really tell like if I'm getting kicked by feet in my ribs, you know, all those things that people say they feel I just didn't feel with him.

SPEAKER_01 2:12

Okay.

SPEAKER_02 2:13

Yeah. So, and that's normal with an anterior percentage because you feel less of the baby. Okay. So I feel like that made it difficult for my midwife, but um, she, you know, labor started normal. I was fine, and she came over and I was doing just fine in labor. Like I was very in tune with my body. I practiced a lot of relaxation so that I did not know that I was that far along when she checked me.

SPEAKER_01 2:40

So then did you have to obviously like head to the hospital then?

SPEAKER_02 2:45

Yeah, she pretty much said, like, we have to go now. She didn't, she doesn't do breach births, especially as first-time moms, which is something that I knew, but honestly, you know, you learn from your mistakes. I should have hired a midwife that did breach births because it happened to me, and I didn't think it would. Yeah. Because I was I'm I'm okay doing a home birth breach, and I always felt like I'd be okay as long as the baby's fine, you know. So we rushed to the hospital. Within 45 minutes um of being there, I had my son, and he came out um butt first, and it went really smoothly. I had no tears, everything was fine, he was fine, I was fine.

SPEAKER_01 3:24

It was Well, that's I love that you still didn't turn into like a traumatic experience at the hospital when you go.

SPEAKER_02 3:31

I would say the only traumatic part was grieving my non-home home birth, especially in a society where people make it seem like home birth's not safe, and I was very much advocating for it, and people would look at me like I was crazy for wanting to do it, and then I ended up in a hospital, you know. So that that kind of feeling hurt, you know, because I was like, it's not, in my opinion, it wasn't very emergent. I just didn't have the proper midway for the situation, which happens in both care, like with hospitals and with home birth. You if you hire someone in current that not well or isn't good at their job, or isn't you know, gonna advocate for exactly what you want, you're gonna get, you know, whatever they can provide for you.

SPEAKER_01 4:17

That totally makes sense. And I can see what you're saying about grieving that because you knew that a home birth was okay. And I had a home birth with our son, and I remember people like, oh, that's not safe. You should be at the hospital. What if something goes wrong and like all of those things that people say to all the things people say to you, yeah. Yeah, but no one really supports you that well. Yes. So I could see how that would be hard where you're like, it is fine, but it's yeah, that would be hard. But now you've got to have your sweet little girl. So then, because obviously you had like you felt confident, even if you were to have a breach baby. So then do you have specific because you had your I'm gonna have a home birth, you were all prepared for it, you were giving birth at home and then you ended up at the hospital. So then you know, second time around. Do you have specific things that if a mom were listening right now, these are things that you would suggest? Like, make sure you ask these sorts of questions and look into this, because you just said it's not all about having 30 years of experience, it's about making sure that they're a good match for you and what you want.

SPEAKER_02 5:29

Yeah, I I mean, honestly, I would tell them to ask questions like, what do you do in emergency situations? Like, what do you as a midwife consider an emergency? Because the midwife I hired um for my daughter this time around, she said an emergency is like lots of bleeding, um, baby's heart rate really, really high, and not being able to get it down. She told me that it has to be like um it has to be 911 ambulance emergency to have to leave. Okay. And my midwife wasn't that way. She, because what my new midwife told me was that if it this was her in the situation that my first midwife went through, she would have just delivered the baby at home because of how far along I was. And that means that the baby's descending. So if the baby's descending, it's not in distress. Because he was coming out, but first he wasn't stuck. I know that's kind of something people worry about. And he ended up being with because I had him at Aurora Sinai. That was my I had a bridge appointment, which is really important for any mother who has a home birth, is to make a bridge appointment with a hospital that you would decide to go to in an emergency. So they have all of your information, all your files. So if you have to be transferred, they know you and they know your situation. And that way it's smoother. So I made a bridge appointment with both my babies at Aurora Sinai because it is a midwifery like water birth center.

SPEAKER_01 7:02

Okay.

SPEAKER_02 7:03

So they do have the same values as a home birth would. It's just in a hospital instead. So I made it.

SPEAKER_01 7:09

You did have to switch there, you would still get kind of what you're doing.

SPEAKER_02 7:13

I would have still had a water birth if it wasn't emergent. Like if he if we would have found out he was breached two weeks before he was born, I would have had him in their birthing center in a pool. So it would have the same feeling. So like you can kind of get what you want from both. You just have to find the right place.

SPEAKER_01 7:28

Yeah. And I I kind of wonder with you quickly kind of going back to what you were saying. So your first midwife, she had a you know, a little bit more boundaries where she wouldn't like things go as far. That could be a good fit for some people because they might not want to get to that emergent situation, right? Yeah, or if they don't want to have a breached baby definitely, yeah. So I think it truly is asking those right questions to see who is the right fit for you and who's not a right fit for you. So, like your first one, she could be perfect for somebody else, but she just wasn't quite what you needed.

SPEAKER_02 8:02

Exactly. And like with your first baby, you you really don't know how common something can happen.

SPEAKER_01 8:08

So then I'm curious about your thoughts around anxiety, because obviously you have to prepare yourself mentally to manage the pain, but there could be things that maybe you would have with people saying things, you know, that they're like, oh, it's Sanders, oh, it's this. Like you have to figure out how to help yourself continue to move forward in a way that you're not being consumed with the what if something happened. Um, and because I feel like if we lean into what if something happened, then I feel like it probably is gonna happen because you're just like constantly thinking about that. So are there things that you did to kind of prepare yourself mentally to move forward, to be, you know, relaxed and ready for your birth and not focused on the what ifs, but rather focused on the amazing special moment that you're bringing this life into the world and the comfort of your own home and focusing on that.

SPEAKER_02 9:04

I think a lot of it had to do with the prep work I said mentally, kind of knowing that we were designed to do this. Every woman, I feel like society over years have made women feel like we're not strong enough to give birth or we're not strong enough or smart enough to know how our body works. So I feel like you need to connect with yourself. Like, do you feel strong enough to do this? Are you mentally ready to get through this process that no matter what you do, your body is going to push that baby out, whether you want it to or not? So if you just learn how to connect with yourself and let your body go, like I remember during my daughter's labor, because my sounds was kind of a blur since it was so um emergent and quick, but I was way more focused with hers. And I remember when that big contraction would come, I would talk to myself, like, you need to relax, you need to relax. And then I would relax my jaw and take a deep breath out and then relax my shoulders. So, like if you just do, if you just get in tune with yourself, because it's not it's not like a pain that you need to crunch up with. Yeah, because when you crunch up one, it makes that pain worse, which a lot of women don't know because if you relax, the pain is softer, it's really hard to explain. Yeah, um, and then you can actually feel your baby descend when you're not tense, you can feel the baby moving. You know, I did a lot of like exercises of you know, the comb, the birthing comb was a lifesaver, squeezing that certain breath, relaxing your jaw so it relaxes your pelvis. Like it's a lot of work, but I mean, both my births went so smooth due to me knowing that pain's temporary when you're going into transition, you know, letting your husband know what this is going to be like and what you need so that they can, you know, advocate for you and support you through it. So I would just say if you are having a home birth, you have to put in that little extra work too.

SPEAKER_01 11:01

I remember when uh we were preparing to have our son 16 and a half years ago, I was telling Ty, because when you hurt, you can tend to like, oh, like it hurts, right? Yeah. And so I know with Tyler, I was like, I don't like if I start like squeezing, like I want you to remind me to relax. Like we can hold me and our touch, but I don't want to be so like having those little things, even if you don't have a home work, having those little things that are reminders to like actually relax. So if somebody's there with you and you're like squeezing or like pushing or tense, like they can remind you as well. Like relax your body do the work, like the intense work that your body is doing right now, that your baby's doing let it happen versus kind of because if if you're tensing up, you're also going to be tensing up your pelvic floor and your abdomen.

SPEAKER_02 11:55

Yes, all kinds of people. And a lot of people don't know that your jaw is directly um connected to your pelvis. So if you're tightening your teeth and you're tense, you're tightening your pelvis. So if you relax your jaw, like that one little thing, relaxing your jaw, will relax your pelvic floor and your pelvis and help the baby come out.

SPEAKER_01 12:13

Love that. Yeah, totally makes sense. So I would love to hear kind of two different like what was the most amazing part of your home birth, and what do you feel like was one of the most challenging parts of your home birth?

SPEAKER_02 12:29

I would say the most challenging part, which is just funny to me, was there was a snowstorm. And it was a big snowstorm. Like I'm talking, businesses closed down, um, white out, ice, nobody can go anywhere, snowstorm. And my midwife had to drive in that, and they had another mom who was in labor at the same exact time as me that they had, which they say rarely ever happens. They only take two moms a month. And she lived 10 minutes, 15 minutes from here. So the snowstorm was stressful. But honestly, it's hard for me to say anything bad about my second birth just because it was like a dream come true. I don't know if you saw the pictures I posted online.

SPEAKER_01 13:15

They were beautiful, like they made me feel emotional.

SPEAKER_02 13:17

Like it just so like and my husband, you know, Adam, he like really he actually is coming home right now. He's gonna walk through the door. But he was he wanted to advocate so much for my birth that he like hung up Christmas lights and he caught the baby. She he caught her, yeah. So he was like, he was so involved, and he, you know, he didn't really show any fear. He, you know, he told me the home birth was harder for him only because he was in charge of like feeding me, filling the tub, blowing it up and doing all those things. So um trying to make it perfect, like yeah, trying to make it trying to make it perfect.

SPEAKER_01 13:54

So that's it, yes, looks so like just it looks perfect. So it kind of made up for your first one. So then I would say I'm curious about because I know that if you take really good care of yourself during pregnancy and all of that, then recovery can be better, but there can still be things, you know, that can happen, even if you do take good care of yourself. So for you, how do you feel like recovery has been? Is there a difference between the two births, or do you feel like it's been pretty sane between the two or pretty similar between the two?

SPEAKER_02 14:26

Um, I would say this one's been a little harder. I think a lot of it has to do with it being my second birth. And she was a lot bigger.

unknown 14:34

Okay.

SPEAKER_02 14:35

So my son was seven pounds five ounces, she was nine pounds seven ounces.

SPEAKER_01 14:41

Okay.

SPEAKER_02 14:41

So she was a bigger baby, so it was a lot harder pushing had to happen. I would just say that made it harder. And you know, I have a toddler, so I don't get to relax as much. That makes sense. So healing is a little bit harder with having two kids, but the first time it was faster just because I did have the opportunity to lay around and relax as much as I could. So and then a lot of it is teaching your husband to help you too, really showing them like what home birth looks like. There's lots of information on Instagram and on the internet right now where you can show, you know, videos of home birth so that he had they have an idea because having a support system is so big when you're giving a home birth.

SPEAKER_01 15:25

So then let's like what would you tell a mom, like how could she prepare for if her birth were to go in a way that she didn't plan, or even a mom that maybe just went through birth and it didn't go like she wanted it to plan. What would be one piece of advice or suggestion you have for kind of moving through that not going how you wanted it to plan or wanted it to go, or processing the after when it didn't go how you wanted?

SPEAKER_02 15:52

I think a huge thing is is to grieve the way you want to grieve your own birth. I've you know, I I got the unsolicited advice of like at least your baby was okay, which I completely understand. And I was really grateful for that. But I wasn't for a while. You know, so like don't let anyone let anyone undermind how you feel. Like if you're grieving and it hurts, just grieve and let it hurt, you know, because I was almost like told that I should be okay because everything was so okay. But it was stressful and it made me really sad because I had a vision of what I wanted, and especially when I could have had that vision if I would have done more work in hiring someone that could have helped me get that vision because it wasn't an emergency, I could have had them at home, you know?

SPEAKER_01 16:45

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 16:46

A lot of it, it wasn't her fault either because she doesn't do breach, it was my lack of knowledge at the time when I hired my midwife.

SPEAKER_01 16:55

Which is expected because we can't know, you know, exactly what was. And what's the likelihood, you know?

SPEAKER_02 17:01

So that's by the time I did the work, I was going upside down, laying on my side. I did all the work to make sure this baby was head down. And I even got a um 34-week, 35-week ultrasound at a boutique where they just checked position. It was actually a really nice experience because it wasn't diagnostic. So it was just kind of like see their face in 3D and like kind of connect with your baby a little. So I just did a little extra stuff like that just to be more prepared the second time. And knowing that she her heart rate was good and that she wasn't breached, I was very confident with this birth. I knew she was bigger, but I didn't know she was that big.

SPEAKER_01 17:43

He looks so squishy in the photo. I was like, oh, she's even squishier now when you both.

SPEAKER_02 17:48

I know she's chunky, it's crazy, and her hair too, which is funny because I looked just like that as a newborn. I had the same hair.

SPEAKER_01 17:56

So much hair that just sticks like straight up.

SPEAKER_02 17:59

It's literally the cute beautiful chocolate brown, too.

SPEAKER_01 18:04

It's so cute.

SPEAKER_02 18:06

I know.

SPEAKER_01 18:06

So I love what you were saying about you know, allowing yourself to grieve too, because it's okay that like, yes, your baby was fine and that's good, but you lost something as well. And yeah, it's okay. Yeah, like you already like your whole life is completely different after you have a baby, which it's good, it's amazing. Having a baby is amazing, but it's also one of the hardest things that I think we can do. It's a huge change. So allowing yourself to grieve, no matter what that looks like, big or small, I think is really important. So I I would just want to end this with asking is there anything else that you would want to tell mom related to home birth, not home birth, whatever it might be that you feel like you know now that is really valuable to take into their future?

SPEAKER_02 18:56

I would say when it comes to a baby and a home birth in general, is just you know, make it all about connecting with your family. I feel like just soak it in and don't think of it as a nuisance at the time because it it'll it'll all get better. It all gets easier when they get older. So soak in the baby. It's like for real.

SPEAKER_01 19:20

Oh, I mean, I agree. We're approaching adulthood, and I just want to rewind time on like if I could just enjoy like one day of every month of his life, just like go back, just like I just wish I could rewind time and just soak it in even more. But it's it does go so fast, but it's yeah, so special and so hard at the same time.

SPEAKER_02 19:44

Our bodies are so amazing, they can do so much more than you think. And you know, don't let people fear monger you into not doing, you know, what makes you happy. I was just at a um picnic on Saturday for my home birth company. It's called Genesee. Um, they're amazing in Milwaukee, if anyone's ever looking. And they there were so many moms there with all their kids, and every single one of those kids there was delivered home, a whole group of us. And it just makes you realize like there's a whole community, this is normal, and everyone's just so proud of themselves because you should be, because it's not easy to do a home birth, and it's against the norm, which makes you know, anything against the norm is hard. Yep, totally makes sense. Just find the proper support group and you can do it.

SPEAKER_01 20:30

Yep, I love that. Um, and do do what you want without letting people talk you out of it or tell you that you shouldn't.

SPEAKER_02 20:39

So the worst case scenario, you have to go to the hospital. That's just what everyone else does. So it's not like it's wrong.

SPEAKER_01 20:46

Yep. I love that so much. Well, I really appreciate you taking time to jump on and share your story today and provide you know value and knowledge from your experiences and things that moms can take into their future, whether they do or don't choose to have a home birth. So thank you so much.

SPEAKER_02 21:06

Yeah, thank you for having me. It was nice to talk to you.

SPEAKER_01 21:15

I hope today's conversation gave you something practical to take into your day or simply remind you that what you're experiencing is normal. Returning to daily life after birth is a process and support matters.

SPEAKER_00 21:27

However, your day continues from here, be gentle with yourself. You're doing important work. Thanks for listening. We'll meet you back here next time.