Episode 2 - Connie Carr, LCSW, M-CASAC and Dep. Michael Wilber

On this week's episode we welcome Connie Carr and Dep. Michael Wilber to the show to discuss their career paths, inspirations, and the importance of First Responder Wellness.

Transcript

SPEAKER_01 0:38

And welcome back to episode two of the Oneless Podcast. I'm your host, Hylan Winnie, in the studio today with our program director, Connie Carr, and uh team member Mike Wilbur. Welcome to the show, guys.

SPEAKER_02 0:53

Thanks.

SPEAKER_01 0:55

So we're hitting episode two. Uh we had a really good response uh coming into today off of episode one. Um bunch of views, thank you to everybody who tuned in. Um made the reels really successful and got the word out. I know across the state um we've made some noise, and that's that's what we're here to do. Uh spread the word of wellness. So uh any reactions off the first episode?

SPEAKER_00 1:23

Um, I got from a lot of people that they loved hearing about what we're doing and just showing that we're out there spreading the word.

SPEAKER_02 1:34

Yeah, I think it was pretty amazing on the amount of views that we got over the course of uh just like a week.

SPEAKER_01 1:39

You know, having over 2,000 views, it's uh pretty amazing for Yeah, from going basically just the little sizzle reels that you would help create to a live show and then getting it out there. Yeah, week one was a definite success. Um but today, I mean, last week we had Georgian talking about the origins of the hero program. Today is gonna be a little deep dive into uh what you guys are all about. So, Connie, we'll start with you. Tell us a little bit about yourself.

SPEAKER_00 2:08

So um I came into the sheriff's office in 2024 as the wellness coordinator. I uh I'm a licensed clinical social worker. I've been working in the field for over 20 someone years. We're just gonna say 20-suman years, because that's crazy to think about that. Um I have a background with first responders, uh, family members. Growing up, I always wanted to be an officer. I said that's what I was gonna do. So um, but life had its own twists and turns. So uh I ended up becoming a mom and then I went to school and became a counselor. In between that, I went to the police academy, graduated the police academy, and um then decided that social work was where I wanted to be. And in 2024, I actually stepped out of working for everybody else and making everybody else money and started my own private practice, which lasted a couple months when I got this call to come to the sheriff's office to the wellness unit. I was told about the wellness unit and I was like, this is exactly where I was supposed to be because I do have a passion for working with first responders. My husband is um DEP and he's been in fire and EMS and dispatch, so I've been around the game here, and I realize that it is our first responders that are um fighting this battle alone. And as a social worker, if I could be there to help in any way, that's what I wanted to do, and that's why I jumped on the wellness train here. And I'm so excited that I got to be a part of this team.

SPEAKER_01 3:55

And we're definitely lucky to have you. Uh Mike, your um journey into the department was a little bit longer. You you told me you got in, you went to the police academy at 32. Um, what led you into law enforcement and then eventually into the academy?

SPEAKER_02 4:14

Uh so for me, I mean, I was just I was a volunteer fireman at age 16. I started um up in Phoenicia Fire Department. Uh I dealt with some pretty bad colds up there being such a young person, and then I kind of rolled it into the EMS portion of it, or Shandaken Ambulance and Woodstock Rescue for quite a while. Um and I joined the National Guard, I became a medic in that. So I've always kind of been in the first responder realm. Um I kind of went to a call in Woodstock, and it was a uh a subject that was involved in a shooting down in DC at one point, and it was a kind of a psych call, and then I kind of talked him out of it, de-escalated the situation, and we were able to get him in custody, and the guys kind of like pushed me to told me basically to say, hey, listen, you should you should become a cop. So something that was always in my mind, I just never pursued it and and went for the college credits, and then I found out with my EMT and my military and stuff they they were able to send me to the academy. So I was fortunate enough. Uh the police chief up there um knew my family and basically provided me the avenue to go to the academy and then supported me. And I joined Woodstock PD for a few years. Uh was up there six. I worked at the dispatch unit for a few years, did my homework at the academy full-time, um and then transferred down to the sheriff's office um about six years after Woodstock. So I've been down to the sheriff's office for I think 12 years now. So I got about 17 and change on the job total and retirement. But um yeah, I've always been in the first responder realm. It just kind of ran in the family. Uh always enjoyed helping people. And I saw it when I went in and dealt with those bad calls. How I know George said it last episode that it's always the suck it up buttercup mentality, and that's how it always was.

SPEAKER_01 6:10

Right.

SPEAKER_02 6:10

Um But now getting into this and seeing this over the past few years as I got assigned to wellness a couple years ago. Um it's just a great it's a great program, it's much needed. You're st you're starting to see this throughout the states and how a whole bunch of other agencies are really pushing it, and it's it's coming down from the now at the state level. So it's I think it's pretty good. It's uh it's definitely a great program, and it's helped me process things deep, some some really deep calls from a long time ago that brings up when I go to the some of the SISMS um call outs. Um but it's good to see that we can help other people.

SPEAKER_01 6:50

So yeah, we've all discussed at length at times um those calls early in your career that kind of stick with you. And you know, personal experiences, it 25 years in, um, the way you deal with and process stuff now, as opposed to like for me, I started at 25, is way different, and I feel I'm glad we have it now, and I'm glad it's taking off. And I I think for the men and women that are going into the first responder field now, um they don't have to go through the stuff we went through. It's not the they don't have to rub some dirt on it, suck it up, put it away, deal with it now, get it out, get some help for it, and uh help keep you a whole, better person, um, and not and not have that damage that a lot of first responders do have. Um mentors. Uh I know it's big um along the way, either growing up or early in your career, um having somebody that you that drew drew you to them, that somebody you leaned on for advice, help, um, inspiration. Connie, who were some of yours early on?

SPEAKER_00 8:10

I think I have so many people that I've like kind of looked up to and wanted to just either make them proud or what they were doing made me happy, you know. Um I'm named after my grandfather, um, and he was in World War II. Uh, he was in the Army Air Force, and uh he I never got to meet him, and but knowing that I was named after such an amazing man, um that makes me like strive to be a better person. Um, and then my sister, sh if I if I didn't have her, she was such a strong um role model for me growing up, and she helped take care of me, so I I really look up to her and just to strive to be the better person and always making someone happy. I always look at the people in my life that really just wanted to make people smile, do something good for people, and that's where I've gone.

SPEAKER_01 9:09

How about you, Mike?

SPEAKER_02 9:11

Uh I think I always had family members, you know. Like I said, I started started really young with the fire department, so I always had a couple cousins uh that I went through the fire department with um that always supported it and that were always there and and kind of got me involved with it. And then uh, you know, I kind of grew up where I grew up, I always had uh like Wally Fulford and Chad Story up there. So um I always kind of looked up to them, I always got a chance to play ball with them at the ball field. So knowing what they were doing and seeing the stuff that they were doing and coming up through the ranks and being canine officers, and you know, I had plenty of conversations with those guys. Um kind of stared me in that in that right direction. So kind of glad I went through that.

SPEAKER_01 9:57

You know, careers and uh the paths we choose don't come without challenges. Um what are some challenges that you guys have encountered along the way and what lessons have you learned and been able to implement and maybe pass on to others as you progressed in your careers?

SPEAKER_00 10:15

I'm gonna go first with that.

SPEAKER_02 10:18

I mean, I think the challenge is as as I got older and and you know started to settle down. I think the challenge is balancing your home life, your personal life with work. Because it's you know, that's a big thing with the wellness program is you know, we we try to preach and and talk about it, but bringing work home is not always easy uh when you had that bad day. You know, fortunately for me, my wife is a state trooper, so she understands if I got a bad day, she kind of just backs off and leaves me alone for a little bit. But you know, as my daughter gets older and and you know, family members and friends to try to separate the balance of work and and life and just to go out and enjoy yourself when you're home and try to disconnect from work is is uh is definitely important. I mean you don't want to you don't want to really bring the work home to people because a lot of the people fortunately like I said my wife's in in this field so she understands, but a lot of a lot of other wives and and mothers and fathers don't understand what we deal with on a day in and day out basis and all the trauma that we've dealt and and pretty much kept in in the uh the cloud or or even the Rolodex for some of the older guys. Um yeah, it's just I think that's the biggest thing is is keeping work and and family personal life separate.

SPEAKER_00 11:43

I have to agree, you know, it in this field, um it's just such a you see things, you hear things, uh even structural morale, just knowing to be able to step out when you go home and have that work-life balance and having great people in your life that you can share the moments with. And I have to say, you know, that's a nice thing about this team is like I've learned to have that work-life balance, but I'm also able to have those people that understand that we have those hard calls and we can talk about those, but then still go and have fun.

SPEAKER_01 12:23

Yeah, and you develop uh over the course of the years a I mean, some would think a demented or a slightly dark sense of humor, but it's it's honestly a coping skill. I mean, if you can't get if you can't remove yourself from the situation and try to find a little bit of light in the darkness, it it makes it so much harder. Um you guys are lucky that you both have um spouses that are in uh the first responder community. I don't, um, but at the same time, my wife's been she's learned along the way and um has always been supportive and has grown increasingly aware of just being around, you know, friends and other coworkers to see, okay, like this is a different community, this is a whole different level of trauma that the normal regular rest of the world doesn't have to deal with or see, and that's what makes what we do um here with the wellness division that much more important. Um biggest misconceptions about the first responder community. What are some out there that you hear frequently that you're like uh that's really not the case? You want to start that?

SPEAKER_00 13:46

So misconceptions, I think you know, that we put on this shield and we're not human, you know. It's like we're allowed to have a bad day, we're allowed to um have emotions, and I think that's one of the biggest barriers that as a social worker coming into this field is being able to talk to people and say like it's okay to have emotion, it's okay to like know that that was a messed up call and you can talk about it.

SPEAKER_02 14:17

Yeah, without a doubt. Yeah, I mean just piggyback off that, you're right. You uh especially for the volunteers, all the fire departments in EMS, the stuff that they deal with, the trauma, uh you know, the mental aspect of it. People just see the the social media thing, you know, that you go to a car accident and somebody's hurt and you know they may pass. They don't think about the other end of it, the other avenue part where that first responder has to still deal with that trauma and then go home and you know, have their family, you know, they might go home and they might be a little upset, they might be a little angry, they might be uh having some issues and the family don't doesn't know how to cope with that. And people don't understand that. Like they just going to these calls, it's just not dealing with a call, it's dealing with the aftermath on going to the calls.

SPEAKER_01 15:07

Connie, from your your professional perspective, what are some um good techniques that the average everyday person can act in their that can put into uh motion in their lives to help them deal with traumas and bad days at work and being able to separate the work from the family life?

SPEAKER_00 15:32

You know, one of the things that I always say, and people probably hear me walking through the halls and so I'm like talk about it. A biggest thing is therapy isn't just you know getting a diagnosis or being able to get that quick fix of like the emotion, it's about talking about it. Talk about it, take the time for yourself, be able to know what makes you happy, what makes you comfortable, and being able to voice like, hey, I need just a couple minutes to take a break. I talk about um taking off the uniform. When you're you're leaving work or the volunteer aspect of the job, take off that uniform, not just physically, but mentally take it off. So when you're going home, you're not bringing that call with you. But it's still important to talk about it and know who you can talk about it with, and that's the important thing about this team is that we're here for everybody to talk about it.

SPEAKER_01 16:36

How about you?

SPEAKER_02 16:38

I mean, again, I'll piggybag off that. It's I I think the tough part about it is is the older generation, the guys have been on the job a while, it's really tough to talk about that stuff because they're so used to bottling up. I mean, that's just how we've been trained and just how we've handled it for years upon end. And for the newer guys coming in, it's a lot easier because they have that uh social worker aspect in the schools now, so it it's easier for them to transition and be able to to talk about it for you know any issues that they have. But I for me, I mean, I feel like I'm might be rare when I get home and I've had the uniform on and I get home and I change the minute I shut the light switch off in the the room that I get changed in, I go upstairs and it's like that's it. It's just like I can turn it off like a switch now. I I feel like for the most part, you know. I mean you always have those bad days and then you go to the bad calls, it's tough. Sometimes it's tough to deal with still. But for the most part, it's just you gotta learn to be able to uh turn that switch off the minute you get in the door.

SPEAKER_01 17:46

If you had five minutes with a brand new officer just coming into the department or any or uh a volunteer, uh fire department, EMT, to convince them of the benefits of a wellness program, what would you tell them?

SPEAKER_02 18:08

That it's okay to not be okay, and the benefits are that you have, you know, we're fortunate enough that uh the sheriff here is 100% on board with this and this is his baby, and that it's okay to to come talk to people. This is the reason why we're here. And you know, there's other avenues to to take besides, you know, some people may divulge into the alcohol or or go down a you know a bad rabbit hole or something like that. But I think the benefits is is that we we offer other avenues, you know, we offer suggestions as far as you know going out and exercising or getting together as a group and just kind of disconnecting and and going on uh going on like that. But I don't know, the avenues, it's there's a lot. It's starting to become endless. Um it's good to see our program joining, you know, growing now, like you you getting involved in this and having the the podcast set up and being able to go to the trainings and meet new people and uh you know we have a great wellness center coming up, um Sheriff Aller and Penyan, that's gonna be amazing. Uh I'm really excited to to go visit that when that's when that's done. So you know that's gonna be offered for first responders to to get away and disconnect and and have the the social worker aspect of it if if you need marriage counseling and and all sorts of uh trainings that are gonna be put on up there. But yeah, I think that it's I think it's easier to sell for the newer people than it is for the guys that are, like I said before, the the guys that have been on the job. But I think the the newer guys are a lot more receptive to sitting down and having a conversation after a bad call, or you know, maybe they're having financial problems or uh problems at home, so on and so forth. But just having the the resources that we have I think is pretty amazing. We just have to get it out there and and make people realize that it's uh it's a good unit and that it's gonna be very beneficial.

SPEAKER_01 20:18

Now one thing that we being maybe in corrections, you being on the road, um we're working day in and day out with the like we're working with our coworkers that are also in the rank and file and doing the same job that we do. We've developed that on-the-job trust with one another. Connie, for you coming in, um it's gotta be a little more difficult because the the initial view is, oh, here comes an outsider. How do you how have you been able to overcome that and um gain the trust of the men and women that you work now work with daily?

SPEAKER_00 20:58

Um, so I always think it's funny because when I first got on, um Mike would introduce me as Kale Carr's wife. So, you know, I'm not just the social worker now that works at the sheriff's office. My husband is works, and a lot of people know my husband. And I also went to the academy with some people, so I felt like that worked where I could kind of build the relationships with those people and then move along. But what I've really noticed in the past year and a half that I've been trying to dive into being more present and just like walking the halls, and it's not it's not therapy, it's just having conversations with people. Um I think that's been my biggest thing is just to meet people where they're at, have conversations. I sometimes people give me that weird look because I'm always the person that wants to make you smile, and that's who I am. Um I'll probably make you I'll stand there until you smile. And I annoy you, and that's okay. Um, I think people are getting to know me for that.

SPEAKER_02 22:06

And it's still always a work in progress for you. Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 22:12

It's it's uh yeah, it's evolving day in and day out. Um when you're out and you're trying to put together an external team of uh other social workers, clinicians that can come in and help assist, what do you look for?

SPEAKER_00 22:30

So one of the things that I look for, um I'm very protective of my first responders. So I want to look for um clinicians that are culturally competent. I'm looking for clinicians that have family members that are in first responders, um, the first responder field. I'm looking for clinicians that were maybe first responders. Um and I don't even just take it off of, you know, oh, this first respond this clinician says that they work with first responders. I'm gonna talk to you. I want to know, do you know what it's like to have the dark humor? Um or to have like just a first responder like opening up and talking about a scene and how is gonna how is that reaction going to be? So I ask questions like that to any clinician that I vet to come in to assist.

SPEAKER_01 23:22

We've talked a lot about um profession I hate sticking to uh sheets, by the way. It's much easier to just have a conversation. We've talked a lot of the professional um stuff, but behind the scenes, when you guys are away from the job, what are some things you'd like to do? What what would some things you would offer up to other people that say, hey, this works for me? I love doing this when I'm not at work, it helps me. Um you and I have recently got into uh the horrible, horrible uh car collecting world, which is hysterical. Expensive, by the way. Don't I don't recommend it. And Connie, you are an avid Met fan. Yes. Um, what are some of the things you you guys love to do when you're not on the job?

SPEAKER_02 24:08

I mean, we just did it the other day. We went to the Rite of Gates game, we brought the family. Uh you made a great video, posted on the Facebook. Um, just seeing I didn't even realize you got some of those pictures, honestly, and uh I think that was pretty amazing. I think most everybody there had a great time. Yeah. Uh my daughter, I was so happy that you know she got a she got a ball. Um I've been trying to push her to to get into the sports realm, and she had a blast. You know, when on the ride home, she said she wanted to go back and and go to another game. Just for I don't know, it's just spending time with the family, just being outdoors. Uh, you know, I bought a side by side recently, so I like to I like to take her on that, teach her how to ride that. Um golf for me, you know, that's my out. I did that yesterday. Um definitely enjoy being out there in this weather. Yesterday was a nice cool day. But I mean as far as everybody else, it it it's too each their own, you know what I mean? It's it's whatever you whatever you feel like even prior before getting into this career, if you're one of the younger guys, it's it's whatever you enjoy doing. Right. Um that's that's your out. You know, if you enjoy the fishing, you like going up to the reservoir and just throwing a pole in the water, even if you don't get a bite just to sit there and watch the sunset. Um, that's fantastic. You know, bike rides for people, um just walking on the rail trails, going to the movies, you know, just everybody has their own out, and you just gotta that's what you need to focus on when when you're having that bad day. You just you gotta revert back to that. Right. How about you?

SPEAKER_00 25:37

Oh, like you said, I know I'm an avid Mets fan, love to go to Mets games, um, but when I'm not doing that, I love to spend time with my family, um, especially my dogs. Everybody thinks that, you know, my dog is my family. Um she is my family. Um, love spending time with my dog, taking her for walks, love kayaking, um, love hanging out with my friends and just being able to just chill.

SPEAKER_01 26:04

Yeah. You know, we're we're planning and we're doing some big things um in the wellness division to help out our local first responder community and also the men and women of our department. You guys want to highlight some things that we've already done this year and are going to continue to do, and some things we may have planned for the future?

SPEAKER_02 26:27

Yeah, no, we uh last year uh the team got uh a bowling event going. Um it was the first wellness bowling event um that was held last year, uh June. Uh we raised seven like about sixty five hundred dollars, which we use the money and give back to right back to the first responders. You know, we do the SISM call outs, uh we you know we're able to provide food, water, and so on like that. And when we have trainings, we'll be able to provide uh breakfast. When there's a unfortunately tragic incident, we can buy a department's lunch. You know, we like to drop off um things to our agency, we'll we'll buy some lunches. Um but we just basically everything that we do is just right back to the community, you know, our first responder community. You know, that's that's the biggest thing. Just give them a little reward. We like to hand out gift cards. Um we're gonna be doing another bowling fundraiser coming up in September. Um hopefully we can double it. Uh we had over half the bowling alley filled last year for the first for the first event, which I thought was pretty amazing. Um the sheriff showed up and couldn't believe the amount of people. And it's gonna be the same as this year, you know. Hopefully we just get a lot more people. We'll invite the retirees to come play for free again. Um because they're they're like the forgotten sometimes. And I definitely want to uh keep them keep them in the loop, keep them in the events. Um we always do the retiree luncheons uh quarterly. Pat Carroll does a great job with that, setting that up. And uh I think in the near future, one of our goals, and I know I've talked about it, is we're gonna do a zoom with some of the retirees that are living out of state. We'll bring up a big white screen and we'll just have them boxed in and they can just chit-chat. People can walk up to the screen and see some of the guys that haven't been around in years that that live out of state.

SPEAKER_01 28:17

So that'd be awesome.

SPEAKER_02 28:19

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 28:22

This year has been full of so many cool things that we've been able to do um already, and it's not even done yet. But I really enjoyed uh the barbecue that we did for Police and Corrections Week where we were out there barbecuing. Um you guys were barbecuing, I was running the food. Um, but I thought that was awesome just to see people come out and just chit-chat with us, have a you know, a hamburger, a hot dog, and just have fun and just seeing to be able to step out of the building a little bit and be able to just let our guard down. I thought that was great. Um, I loved the bowling thing. And the Renegades this week was amazing because it was something that I really strive for is with this unit, is I really want to bring families in again. When I first when my husband first got into the DEP, we used to have lunches and dinners as like a group and the families were connected, and that was one of the things that coming into this unit is that I really wanted to bring the families back together and show that we could have fun.

SPEAKER_01 29:28

Yeah, and we're like you said, we got the bowling tournament coming, we've discussed um ideas for maybe family movie nights. Um anything that like you said, anything to get the people out of the uniform, out of the building, together, congregating, and enjoying we spent so much time together. I I've spent more time with my coworkers than I have my wife in the last 25 years for sure.

SPEAKER_02 29:52

That's the way it is with First Responders, right?

SPEAKER_01 29:54

It really is. But to be able to pull our families with our work families and get together and get to know each other, it's it's just healthy. It's it's it's good for the mind and for the soul.

SPEAKER_02 30:06

Yeah. And that's why it's I mean, it's important for us to fundraise. And I I understand, you know, people always have questions about it. Well, the the county, the county, this, the county should have a budget. Uh we do have budgets, but not particularly for this. Right. For these kind of things that we want to get back for. You know, I can't we can't put line items in for barbecues and uh, you know, giveaways and and all the gift cards that we purchase and give out and and so on and so forth. So that that's one of the big reasons why we do the fundraiser to get backs. Like you said, we do we do the barbecue. Um I know a lot of times the Bruder Hoffs are huge and give us a ton of support. But we like to give them a break every once in a while. You know, because they they they go way above and beyond on what they do for us.

SPEAKER_01 30:51

They've been coming into the jail for my entire career, singing Christmas carols, cookies, um, providing food for different outings.

SPEAKER_02 30:58

Um you call them up and they're there, they'll they'll drop whatever they're doing and they're there to support you, which is fantastic.

SPEAKER_01 31:06

Um, our email address, hero podcast at ulstacountyny.gov, if there's anybody out there listening that is interested in helping out in any way, making donation, uh drop us a line. Or becoming a guest. Or becoming a guest on the show for sure. Um also follow us on our TikTok at the.hero.podcast and on our Instagram at hero underscore podcast underscore UCSO. I've run them all on the screen because they are lengthy. But um Facebook page, the new Facebook page. Our new Facebook page is under development. We need to get our membership up there so we can then live stream this podcast on the page as well. Um, right now you can see us on YouTube at hero underscore podcast underscore UCSO. Or join the Facebook page and all the links will be there. Right. Uh I know a guy who put a wonderful page together this week where all the uh links to the audio version of the podcast and the video version of the podcast are there. Um just wrapping up this week, guys. Um thank you both for sitting down and taking the time today. And you're gonna be regulars on here. Connie is my co-host. I have a feeling Mike will be as well. Um but I want to send a shout out, big shout out to our Sheriff Juan Figueroa, Under Sheriff Jimmy Mullen, and uh new Captain Chad story. Uh for the Congratulations again absolutely for the constant uh support and encouragement that they've given us along the way, and pretty much the green light to do this, to do this podcast and expand what we're doing as a division altogether. Um couple other shout-outs, the rest of our team, uh Pat Carroll, Joe Decker, George Hill, John Gallo, Brian Turner, Griff Lewa, our union presidents, uh George McDonald, and Ryan Schuman, uh Cobra President, DJ Keppen, and most importantly, all the rank and file, the men and women of our department who we do this for. So Monkey U had shown me this uh saying uh a few weeks back when we were working on something in your office and I was like $1380? Well, $1.380 is one of my favorites, but I'm not gonna end the podcast with $1.380. I'm gonna end the podcast with this don't let the hard days win. And that being said, we will see you guys next week for episode three of the Hero Podcast, and take care.