My Child Isn't Like Other Children—Could It Be Autism?

My child doesn't respond when I call their name. They avoid eye contact. They seem overwhelmed by sounds, textures, or changes in routine. Should I be worried?

In this episode of Healthy Beginnings, Dr. Edgar Kalimba helps parents understand autism spectrum disorder in a clear, compassionate, and evidence-based way. We explore the early signs of autism, explain why every autistic child is different, and discuss how parents can seek support without fear or stigma.

Whether your child has recently been diagnosed or you're simply wondering whether certain behaviours are part of normal development, this episode offers practical guidance and reassurance.

Autism is not something to fear. Understanding it early can help children receive the support they need to learn, communicate, build relationships, and thrive.

Healthy Beginnings offers clear and evidence-based conversations about children’s health, family wellbeing, and the systems that shape our lives. 

New episodes every Monday 

Have a question? Email: healthybeginningspodcast@gmail.com

Produced by LF Media

Transcript

SPEAKER_01 0:01

A very warm welcome back to Healthy Beginnings to our weekly conversations. We're very glad that you're listening in and you've come along this journey with us to share, to discuss health and thriving for our children. With all of you, the parents that are listening in. Let me just remind you that they are not perfect parents. Every child is different and every family is different. And every parenting journey is different. So our goal isn't to raise perfect children. Our goal is to understand our children, to love them deeply, and to help them become the very best version of themselves. So today we're going to talk about a subject that many families wonder about, but really few feel comfortable discussing openly. And there's always this stigma around it and anxiety around it more often than we realize. And the subject today is autism. And the real term is actually autistic spectrum disorder. It's a spectrum. It's not just a diagnosis that looks the same. It's a spectrum that is quite spread across, as you'll see as we delve into the conversation today. So perhaps you've wondered my child seems different from other children. They don't respond when I call their name. Should I be worried? Or perhaps someone has suggested your child might be autistic, leaving you feeling frightened, confused, or unsure what to believe. If that's the case, then today's conversation is definitely for you. The goal is not to encourage you to diagnose your own child, but to help you understand what autism is, what it isn't, and why early understanding can make such a difference. And I remember maybe this was about two years ago when the couple brought in their little boy to the clinic and their son was about two years old. They sat down, they looked worried, understandably, and the mother said, Doctor, everyone keeps telling me boys speak late. So I shouldn't worry. But something tells me my son is different. She explained that he rarely looked at her, no eye contact, when she called his name. He loved spinning the wheels on his toys' cars for long periods, and he became very upset if his daily routine changed. When visitors came to the house, he preferred to sit alone rather than play. And she said her relatives reassured her and saying, He's just stubborn, he's spoiled, you're worrying too much, give him time. But as a mother, she said, I just feel something is different. So this conversation and many other conversations I've had with families have stayed with me, and they stay with me. Not because we immediately knew what was happening, but because it reminds me of something very important that parents often notice the first signs that their child is developing differently or is not developing the same as other children. So sometimes they notice long before anyone else does. Sometimes, as a parent, you're right, and sometimes you're not. But what is certain is that your concerns deserve to be heard with kindness and not to be dismissed. So if you remember only one sentence from today's conversation, let it be that autism is not a disease to fear or a result of poor parenting, it's a different way of brain development. With um understanding and early support and acceptance, children can actually thrive. So every child really deserves to be understood before they are judged, and children communicate in different ways. Sometimes it's through words, sometimes through play, sometimes through behavior. Our first responsibility as adults is not to judge those behaviors. Our first responsibility really should be to ask, what might my child be trying to tell me? Now, did you know that the global estimates, you know, scientists really estimate that around one in one hundred children, so one percent of children worldwide, is on the autistic spectrum disorder. Um, but this number varies. So, for example, in in the United States, there are several estimates that say one in 30 something children, which is extremely high. If you think about it, um, even if you take a single country and imagine that there's half a million children born per year, if you think that out of every 100 children, one might be on the autism spectrum, those numbers are very high. There's also another element as awareness improves and access to assessment and diagnostics and um uh increases, more children are being recognized earlier, allowing them to receive support sooner. So parents often hear these words autistic spectrum disorder. Really, simply uh putting it, it's uh a neurodevelopmental condition. So it has to do with the development of the brain, the function of the brain, um, and the neurocognitive components of the child's brain. It just means that the brain uh developed differently and perceives things differently. So you might be listening and and might be thinking, This sounds like my child, or others may be thinking, This doesn't sound my child like my child at all. Uh so just a caution. We the goal here is not to diagnose things on the podcast, but to really give some general guidance and some general pointers. Many, many young children may show one or two unusual behaviors that are completely normal. So we only become concerned when we see patterns over time across different situations that really affect your child's communication, uh, their social interaction, their learning, and their daily life. So if this conversation raises concerns for you, uh, the next step is definitely not to panic, but to have a conversation with your pediatrician or with an appropriate healthcare professional that might help you to understand what's going on with your child. So I want to backtrack a little bit here and ask a question: what might the world actually feel like for an autistic child? We're going to try and step in into the shoes of an autistic child and what they perceive and what they feel. So, because before we really go into the behaviors, we need to understand experiences because experiences can influence behaviors. So, why what might life actually look or feel like for my child? This is where parents stop seeing behaviors as bad behaviors and begin seeing them as communication. And actually, as pediatricians, we often say behavior is communication. Your child behaves in a certain way quite frequently because they are trying to communicate something. So I would like to invite you to do something with me in the next few minutes, and I would like you to imagine the world through your uh the through the eyes of a child, and not just any child, a child whose brain experiences the world differently. Because when we understand the experience, the behavior probably might make a little bit more sense. Now imagine yourself waking up tomorrow morning, everything around you looks familiar, but somehow feels different. The sunlight coming through your bedroom window feels painfully bright, unusually bright, disturbingly bright. The ticking of the clock sounds as loud as a drum. And yet, you've had this clock all the time. The sound is mundane. Previously you barely thought about it, but all of a sudden, it is so loud, it's like somebody's drumming. You can feel this in your head. The label inside your shirt scratches your neck constantly. Someone switches on the vacuum cleaner in the living room, and to everyone else, it's just background noise, but to you it feels overwhelming. Now imagine someone suddenly gives you a hug without a warning. Normally that might feel like a comforting joke, a comforting surprise, but today it's feeling uncomfortable, almost painful. And then later you walk into a busy shopping center, you walk into a shopping mall, people are talking, music is playing, children are crying here and there, there's bright lights flashing from shops and from adverts, there's different smells filling the air, and your brain struggles to filter all this information. Everything is demanding for your attention at once. You feel overwhelmed, your heart races, you want to escape, you cover your ears, you close your eyes, and you might even start to cry. And people think you're being very difficult, but perhaps you're simply overwhelmed. So, for many autistic children, this is what ordinary life can feel like. One of the most important things to understand about autism is that it is not only about communication, it's also about how the brain receives and processes information. And this is typically different from other children. Most of us automatically filter out sounds that aren't important. We stop noticing the ticking clock that I just mentioned, your refrigerator in the house that is humming all the time, you'd barely think about it. The same with the air conditioner, the distant traffic. Our brains quietly decide you don't need to pay attention to that. Some autistic children find this filtering much harder. Their brain notices everything. Every sound, every light, every movement, every smell. And now imagine trying to concentrate in a room where every conversation is equally loud. That is exhausting. That would be exhausting. And that really goes at the heart of how these children feel and influences how they behave. If you think of the brain like an orchestra, you know, this musical orchestra, a group, it's well coordinated. Every instrument plays together alongside each other. Some instruments become louder, others quieter, the conductor helps everything to work in harmony. So our brain works in a similar way. And it constantly decides what should I pay attention to, what should I ignore. And for many autistic people and children, that filtering process works differently. There is a level of dysfunction in that aspect. And it doesn't mean the orchestra is broken, it simply means the music is arranged differently, if I could put it that way. So when we understand what the child is experiencing, I believe that compassion and empathy naturally replaces frustration. So children sometimes react so strongly, and parents often ask me, Doctor, why does my child become so upset over such small things? Perhaps you've experienced something similar. You move a favorite toy, your child's favorite toy, and your child becomes distressed, or you take a different route home and they cry. You buy a different brand of breakfast cereal and they refuse to have breakfast. To adults, to us as adults, these changes seem small. But for some autistic children, predictability feels safe and reduces their anxiety. So a routine helps them understand what comes next. They know what to expect. So an unexpected change really genuinely creates anxiety. It's not stubbornness, it's not poor discipline, it's not that they're trying to manipulate you as their parent. Often their brain is saying everything suddenly feels uncertain. Now there's a difference between a temper tantrum, tantrums that two-year-olds typically have, and a meltdown. Tantrum and a meltdown. This is one of the uh key things to also understand because often parents ask, is my child having a tantrum? And sometimes it is a yes, sometimes it's a no. And let's try to understand the difference. A tantrum usually happens because a child wants something, so it's a normal, a normal toddler behavior. It's a common thing. They might want a toy, maybe they want another biscuit, or they want more television, uh, and they're trying to switch it off. And children having tantrums are often aware of the people around them. So the behavior usually decreases once the goal is achieved. Now, a meltdown is different. A meltdown is not about getting something, it happens when a child becomes completely overwhelmed. Perhaps by noise, by bright lights, by the unexpected change that we just mentioned, too many people, too much information, all coming at the same time. And during a meltdown, the child is not trying to manipulate anyone, the brain is simply struggling to cope. And the goal is not discipline, the goal is helping helping them to feel safe again. Um it's like if we imagine again someone asking you to solve difficult, a difficult mathematics problem or equation while at the same time that you're trying to concentrate. There's very loud music is playing, there's bright lights flashing into your eyes, people are touching you on the shoulders, on your head, or someone repeatedly changes the question that they asked you. Can you imagine that scenario? Eventually, most of us would reach a point where we simply wouldn't cop. And that doesn't mean that you're weak, it means our brain, our brain has reached their limit. So some autistic children reach that point much, much sooner because their brains processes sensory information differently. So it's very easy for them to be overwhelmed. So again, behavior is communication, and I think this is important. Every behavior is trying to tell us something, and instead of asking how do I stop this behavior, it might be better to ask, What might my child be trying to communicate? Perhaps they are frightened, they are overwhelmed, as I just said, or perhaps they don't yet have the words to explain how they feel, and they need a quiet place to recover. So when we ask better questions, we have a higher chance of getting better answers. So many autistic children understand much more than they are able to express. Some children struggle to communicate with words, but have rich thoughts and emotions and ideas. So never assume that a child who communicates differently and who is not good at communicating does not have well-developed verbal communication, like what happens typically with autistic children. Do not assume that they understand less. And um it's important to also always speak to them with respect. So, very important to understand in this conversation today that uh autism is a spectrum because every single child is unique. I have never seen any single autistic child being similar to another. One child may speak a bit better, may have better verbal development, but struggle socially. Another one may have barely any spoken words, but communicate beautifully through pictures or gestures. One child might struggle being around people and prefers just quiet, secluded places, and another one might be better and might be loving being around people. One enjoys routines, another is a bit more flexible. Some children need minimum support, others need a lot more support. So there's not two autistic children that are exactly alike. That is why understanding your individual child is always more important than focusing only on the diagnosis. So as you listen along today, this conversation, perhaps beginning to see your own child differently. Maybe you're thinking, I've always wondered why they cover their ears, or I thought they were simply being difficult. Remember, observation is not diagnosis, it is simply the beginning of understanding. Um, and if this conversation is reminding you of your child, don't panic, write down what you've noticed, talk to your pediatrician, ask questions, and seek answers because that's what you can do as a parent. So A simple challenge, a general challenge uh for us as parents this week. Try and spend 10, 10 to 15 quiet minutes simply watching your child play. Don't direct the play, don't teach, don't interrupt, just observe. And ask yourself, what actually captures my child's attention? How do they communicate? What makes them smile? What frustrates them? And when do they seem the most relaxed? Sometimes the greatest understanding begins not by changing our child, but by noticing them more carefully. And now this brings me to the early signs of autism. How can parents tell the difference between normal variations in development, in personality, when there's concerns of developmental delay and patterns that may suggest autistic spectrum disorder, and that your child would benefit from further assessment? And really, just to put them very simply, to just summarize them, uh, one of the early signs is little or no eye contact. This is important because it can be picked up early. You might know that most children with autism are picked up a bit later, typically between 18 months to two years of age, sometimes even older than two years of age, if they are on the milder side of the spectrum. So eye contact, you know, this eye contact babies, infants actually do have eye contact normally. And if your infant or your toddler barely, barely ever makes eye contact with you, even when you're trying to catch their attention, you're trying to play with them, that uh is something that you shouldn't ignore. Second thing is language, difficulty with language. Now, it could be either delayed or absent, and sometimes there's also a regression. You know, your child had spot had started speaking a couple of words or phrases, and then as they grow to two years, two years and a half, they regress. Things seem to go backwards, um, and they start maybe repeating words or repeating phrases, so having this unusual uh uh abnormal language and speech development. The third thing is difficulty with social reciprocity, what we call social reciprocity, and this is really interaction and social interest and generally understanding other people's feelings. So you expect your child to behave in a certain normal way when they are interacting with other people, other children their age, the adults in their life. And that social reciprocity is often absent or minimal with children that have autism. The other common thing is repetitive behaviors. They love strict routines and they really get distressed when small changes happen. And they are in their own world with these repetitive behaviors they might play over and over and over again with the same toy or in the same corner, in the same place, uh, instead of interacting normally with the environment around them. And then the last thing is uh over-responsiveness, sensory over-responsiveness. And that's why that is where some parents will describe that my child often covers their ears or uh basically uh overreact, they get overstimulated in certain environments in a manner that is unusual compared to other children. So now that we've talked about what autism is and we've explored what life might feel like through the eyes of an autistic child, and we've discussed some early signs that may prompt you to seek further assessment. Now I'd like to ask the question that matters most, and this is if my child is autistic, what happens next? What do I do? And for many parents, this is the moment where fear, anxiety, frustration, emotional pain really begins, and a feeling, a sense of hopelessness. Um, but fear will begin to give way to hope as you embrace this, as you understand it better. Now, obviously, autism is very distressing for families, but we should really all agree that it's really not the end of the world. Sometimes parents hear the word autism and immediately imagine the worst. You know, you wonder naturally, will my child ever speak? Will they go to school? Will they have friends? Will they ever live independently? And these are very good questions. But the truth is that no one can answer those questions the day a child is diagnosed. Because autism is not one single journey. Every child is different, like I mentioned, they develop differently, they have different strengths, they have different challenges, and these challenges also come with opportunities. So a diagnosis does not tell us how far a child can go, it simply helps us understand how best to support them. And I think this is a very important difference. So, in a way, the diagnosis opens doors and should not do the opposite. So if you've been listening in today and recognizing some of these signs in your own child, uh again, I reiterate: don't panic. Observation is not diagnosis, and many young children develop at different rates. You know, I mentioned the element of some children speaking late, the delayed speakers. There's something we call isolated speech delay, meaning that your child is growing and developing normally, except in one area, speaking. So 20% will have some level of speech delay, isolated, benign speech delay, not because they have developmental delay, but their speech takes a little longer to mature. So there are many children who are shy and not autistic. There are many children who love routines and they're not autistic. The the the concerns and the the the the signs should not be ignored if this is continued over time and if it it has a level of dysfunction in their lives, and if you see the pattern that really puts together the elements that uh I mentioned, this is where you need to speak to an appropriate healthcare professional, to your pediatrician, uh, and someone who can help you. So, you know, it's remarkable how um the brain is incredibly adaptable, and this is why sometimes we refer to the brain as being plastic, not because it's made of plastic, it's constantly learning. This plasticity, it's constantly learning, changing, and forming new connections. So the earlier we identify a child's needs, the earlier we can help build the connections through communication, through play, through routines, and supportive relationships. So early support doesn't change who a child is, it actually helps them develop the skills they need in all the key areas of the everyday life. And uh of course, understandably, um this kind of support uh does not necessarily happen in hospitals or therapy clinics. In reality, most of the powerful support happens at home. And support may include talking with your child throughout the day, reading books together, playing simple games, following your child's interests, creating predictable routines, using clear, simple language, allowing extra time for your child to respond, and really celebrating small achievements, helping your child feel safe. So these everyday simple moments really matter enormously, especially and even more when you're dealing with a child with special needs. Now, professional support from speech and language therapists is very important. Help from occupational therapists is very important. Typically, children also can benefit from appropriate pediatric psychologists, and when it comes to education and learning, uh most children will need special education teachers, teachers and mentors who are trained to deal with uh autistic children and help them to learn, and then of course, you know, pediatricians and uh uh neurodevelopmental professionals do add to this team of uh therapists and professionals uh to help your child do better, but again, the parents, the home, the family remains the child's first and most important learning environment. So, as a parent, you're always your child's first and most important teacher. You have a key role to play. So just to put it simply, I think uh we should remember that children, your child is much more than a diagnosis. Sometimes when families receive a diagnosis, all they hear the challenges. But every child also has strengths. You know, we've seen autistic children that have remarkable memories, that notice details that others miss, that have extraordinary musical ability, or they love math, or they love art, they love nature, they love computers, they love animals, they love patterns, and some are just incredibly honest, deeply loyal. So there's all these extraordinary abilities that some children have, and you could focus and nourish and cherish because every autistic child will have uh something. Not all of them have these strengths, and every child is unique, and uh your role is really to uh be positive and support them through their challenges. And the other thing to note is that uh it it typically tends to affect the family, it affects the whole family because uh the child will be struggling, the parents will feel overwhelmed, the siblings might, for example, not understand why one child needs extra support. So it is important to remember that everyone needs encouragement, uh, the whole family, because typically you're in this together and you cannot pour from an empty cup. So taking cup, uh taking care of yourself really helps to better take care of your child. Um, I won't go into the stigma around autism. You know, there's all kinds of things, especially in our African setup, and everybody has an opinion. Your child is spoiled, your child needs discipline, you need to do this, you need to do that. Uh, maybe it's because you did something very common, especially with mothers. Mothers love to blame them themselves. They typically blame themselves. It's because when I was pregnant, I did this, it's because I did that, it's because I did not do that. Let me tell you, you had nothing to do with it. It is not because of something you did or something you didn't do. Um, and again, it's not because of poor parenting, it's not because of vaccines. There's all kinds of information online, and most of it are not necessarily true. It is certainly not a lack of love. So, children deserve dignity and families deserve compassion. Uh communities become stronger when uh we support each other instead of judging each other. Now, before we come uh to the end of the conversation, um myth or fact autistic spectrum disorder children cannot live happy, successful lives. This is a myth. Many autistic individuals complete school, they can attend higher education, they can build careers, they can become successful artists, teachers, scientists, engineers, and so on and so forth. So uh they are valuable in society, and success looks different for different people. So the goal is not to compare with other children, the goal is to help every child reach their own potential. So um I would like to summarize our conversation into just five take-home messages from the conversation that we've had today, and then I'll respond to some questions. The first thing is that autism is a different way of brain development. It's not a parenting failure, it's not some form of punishment or something to fear. Second thing is that no single behavior means a child has autism. We always look for patterns over time, and concerns deserve thoughtful assessment rather than dismissal. Third, early understanding and support can make a meaningful difference in communication, in learning, emotional well-being, and participation in daily life. Every autistic child is unique. A diagnosis does not define a child's intelligence, their personality, their abilities, and definitely not their future. So the greatest gift we can give every child is to understand them, to believe in them, and to love them for who they are. Before we leave, I would like to answer some of the questions that were sent to us by the listeners.

SPEAKER_00 39:06

We have our first question from Richard 35 from Kigali. My daughter performs well in school, but she becomes very upset over small mistakes and says she's scared of disappointing us. Can children develop stress or anxiety from pressure to always do well? And how can I change this mindset?

SPEAKER_01 39:23

This is a very interesting question. So, first of all, I think it's important to understand why uh they feel like that. Where does it come from? Is it perhaps um their personality? Because some children are naturally uh conscientious, if I can call it that way, or they are organized or they are self-critical, they are always on eggshells, they don't want to disappoint anybody, they try to be perfectionists, same as adults, so there could be a personality component. Or does it come from the messages, the family messages from you as the parents? And maybe you might be communicating that only perfect grades at school matter. Or it could also be the school environment, maybe it's a very highly competitive school. There's all these very tough school programs that can really put pressure on our children. So the answer is yes, you can have um a struggling child, and stress and anxiety is very common for children, especially in high school. It's a very common scenario. And I think it's very important for you as a dad or as a mom, as parents, to really uh help them handle this stress because it it's really um it's it's negative. Umxious brains don't switch off easily, and you should actually remind them that nothing they achieve will make them will make you love them more, or nothing that uh they fail at could make you love them less. Basically, the way you love them does not depend on their performance. I think this should be clear. This should always be clear that yes, your child might not achieve that, might not achieve this, but doesn't change how you love them as a parent. And it's very important to praise effort, um, not identity. So, for example, instead of you're so clever, you can try something like, I noticed how hard you worked on that. I always say this to my daughter when she gets very frustrated with so much schoolwork, especially when she doesn't get the desired results. I tell her, look, you've worked hard, you've put in the effort, well done, well done. Now, how can we improve uh on your scores for this? What do you think went wrong? So you you make it more manageable. So, yes, children uh can also have stress, they have anxiety, they feel pressure the same way as we do as adults. So, this is an important conversation to have with your child and to help them cope better and to reassure them.

SPEAKER_00 42:30

Second question from Alice 30 from Kigali. My son sleeps enough, but he still seems tired, less active, and sometimes looks pale. Could this be linked to nutrition, anemia, or another health issue?

SPEAKER_01 42:43

This for me needs uh a proper uh medical evaluation. So if your child is sleeping enough, if they're eating enough and they still seem very, very tired and they're not active and they look pale, it is possible. It is possible that maybe they might have anemia or maybe they might have sleep disordered uh breathing or something that happens during their sleep that makes them look very, very tired when they wake up in the morning, despite sleeping a good number of hours. So it could be an underlying health issue. Very difficult to judge from just one question, because that makes me think about many other questions that need to be asked. So the most appropriate advice here, I think, would be see a doctor, see a pediatrician, see somebody that can help you to really examine your child, possibly do some tests, and help get to the bottom of what might be happening.

SPEAKER_00 43:46

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