Competitive Athletics, Body Image, & Losing Her Mom: Grace on Choosing Gratitude

Beyond the labels, Grace is caring, devoted, and driven. In this episode, she shares her journey through competitive athletics as both a ballerina and collegiate rower, offering an honest look at the pressures that come with high-performance environments. We talk about the prevalence of body image struggles in sport, the toll of being overworked, and what it means to feel disconnected from your body. Grace also opens up about losing her mom to cancer at a young age, and how that loss has shaped her relationship with grief, perspective, and gratitude. Through it all, she reflects on the self-care practices that have supported her healing and the impact she hopes to have on other women navigating similar challenges.

Find Grace on Instagram: @iamgraceamara

Transcript

Rachel 0:00

Hello everyone and welcome to Unmasked. We're back for another incredible episode. As always, before we dive in, we are going to take a few moments to pause right in our tracks and just notice your breath however you're showing up today is wonderful and just give yourself some grace by taking this minute to slow down. And when you're ready, we can come back together. Sweet Grace, thank you for being here. Thank you for having me. I'm really grateful to have this conversation with you and the world is lucky to hear your voice and hear your wisdom. We have so much we could cover, so I'm excited to chat and dive into who you are behind the labels. I am one of many humans that's blessed with your friendship. Grace is someone who holds space for anything and everything, and you've been such a rock and a support already in my life and we haven't known each other very long, so thank you for that. Likewise, grace is three words. Let's go. We've got caring, devoted, and driven. Will you share a bit more about these words and how you feel you embody them?

Grace 1:46

That's really funny. I, last night was thinking about what I was going to send you and I asked my partner and I look, I asked chat, GPT, and I was like, and I was like, based on my previous prompts, how would you describe me? describing oneself is difficult. Then condensing it into three words, even more so, and I do feel like these words have been with me for a long time. Caring has been a part of my life since forever as the baby of five and then two brothers with disabilities. I think I was put in a role to care take at a young age and I was blessed to c take for my mom at the end of her life devoted. I grew up dancing and played violin and practiced ballet after school, so I had really a busy schedule and woke up early to practice violin, and then was in lessons from four to 9:00 PM. Most of my adolescents, which translated into student athletics in college. And I think at that level you have to be disciplined and love what you're doing in order to survive the intensity. what was the other word I said? Driven? Driven. Yeah. I think that goes along with the high performance, caring about the, the level at which I showed up in school with my family, with my friends, um, that label feels really pronounced to in our program and That's

Rachel 3:50

all I got you in summary. Wonderful.

Rach & Grace Audio 3:54

It's clear that these three words are really interconnected for you. You care so much about what you're doing and the people in your life,

Rachel 4:03

and and that shows up similarly with devotion and drive to do your best and be your best self. One topic that we connected on from early days was being an athlete and the rigor, the intensity around collegiate athletics and being in competitive sports. Will you tell us about your sport and where you are now with it? it was very random and not what I had envisioned for my college experience. I was a walk-on rower and knew that this sport would offer extra scholarship and that majority of collegiate rowers have never rode before. I think the statistic is about 70% have never rode before. Really? Yeah. I did not know that. So they recruit tall girls, volleyball players, basketball players. And because of my drive, I made it, but I was horrible. I was such a bad rower.

Grace 5:14

and the intensity of the sport felt familiar to dance. And I. Had an instant community that I really wanted and needed and knew that would support me in college. The people who didn't have a good college experience probably didn't have the right around amount of support around them. so I was just really proud of myself for making it. When I went to the boathouse for tryouts, they said to stand up if you were an athlete, and I was the only person sitting in my chair because I really didn't identify as an athlete, I was a ballerina. Wow. Okay. So you would not identify a ballerina as an athlete? I do now. At the time though, I felt really outta place and, and I was a good team player. ballet was. A very individual sport, and rowing was a very team sport, very much a team sport, and I, I loved championing my girlfriends and I loved being in the locker room and knowing like there were tears going on to the ERG for the workouts because they were so hard and so miserable. I would say rowing is one of the most miserable sports there is. And, um. Then you survive it and the hardest part of your day is done after running stadiums at 7:00 AM or being out on the water and the freezing cold when it's snowing and you can't wear gloves 'cause you'll ruin the spin of the war. Did you feel overworked by by coaches? Yeah. Yeah, and their priorities were really misaligned with mine. I was pre-med and school also mattered to me, and school mattered to me more than my sport. And I remember I had an 8:00 AM like biology class freshman year, and there was an exam and we had workouts at like six. And so. I had to leave early in order to make it to my exam on time, and they said, well, if you leave early, then start early. And so I got to the boathouse at like four 30 that morning before my 8:00 AM class. That is some drive devotion. All the above. Oh man. I think, fortunately, I never had an injury. That sport. and I, I definitely was witness to other student athletes who had injuries who were forced to push through and that, that felt like a really toxic environment. And what about ballerina? You mentioned dance from a younger age. What was that experience like? When did you start? I I think I started when I was two or three. That was really easy and fun and you had ballet class maybe once a week and progressively it turned into more hours and I loved it. I loved it so much and some of my closest friends today are from ballet when I was growing up, I was fortunate to be put in a non-competitive studio where we had one recital at the end of the year, and it didn't compete until, I don't know, maybe I was in middle school going to the Grand Prix Ballet Competition in Chicago that created an environment where friendships could blossom. but but that felt different because you you were really connected to your body maybe more than you should be. that challenged the way I have a relationship with my body now, because you were analyzing every line, every ligament, you know, five hours in front of the mirror, I don't think is healthy for anyone. But overall I love the body awareness it gave me, I think that supported me in the sport of rowing and, supports me now in the way that I care for my body too. When did you start to realize It was unhealthy while you were in dance. I think what's interesting is I don't think dance itself was a catalyst for me. I think it was some of the conditioning of dance that I maybe laid the foundation for body image to impact me later. I remember puberty and noticing bodies changing, but also felt pretty comfortable with the way that my body was changing. Rowing you are ranked by power per weight, in the locker room. So anytime you, and by weight, there would be a list in the locker room where you could see that and I wasn't as strong as the other girls on the team, and I wanted to knock my spot down. And so then it was like, well, if I'm not as strong, then maybe I'll just lose weight so I can have a better ratio of power per weight. And that's where I ended up quitting because they changed my position from a rower to a coxswain. And normally coxswains are between five foot and five two. I was such a good team player that they wanted to keep me on the team, but I really wasn't a good rower. So they were like, well, why don't you be a coxswain, but you need to drop 16 pounds. So I had weigh ins every week, and that was such a mind f because, I wouldn't even wanna drink water before to make sure that I was under what they needed me to be at. then your workouts were different and most of the time on the boat, you're just steering the boats you're not even getting the, energy release and the intensity that I loved. That was the part of athletics that felt really familiar. I love pushing my body, I love challenging myself, and as a coxswain, I was just sitting there and telling the girls when their oars were and then being told to lose weight. Yeah, because you're just dead weight on the boat. You're just sitting there, that's scary. Yeah. I don't know a lot about rowing, so I wouldn't have known that.

Rachel 12:04

Do you

Grace 12:05

Do you think it's still that way? Completely. It's actually one of the sports next to gymnastics with the highest rate of eating disorders. I think, because you're ranked in that way, and I think the coaches probably line boats up specifically for the weight. the whole team has to be a certain weight on the boat too. Thinking about where you are now, what was your most positive takeaway from being an athlete? A ballerina, a rower. And what was your most negative takeaway? Both were a really safe place away from other crises in my life. It was a place that I could connect with myself and my teammates you're not on your phone and working toward a collective or a personal goal. I do also think that the discipline has served me in many ways in my life It's funny, I never even thought about it, but it's coming to me now of like having fun, letting loose and having fun and free time and playing wasn't part of my life. Outside of, School and sports and goal-driven avenues I guess I do think that body image is still something that I struggle with and I think I'm not unique in that experience as a woman in general, however Maybe more so because of those experiences and I can be really hard on myself. I think both, pushed for perfectionism, which

Rachel 14:05

was already a strong thread in my own personality, so it just got a little bit harder. If someone was standing in front of you saying very similar things, having had challenging experience in athletics and now with body image and this perfectionism, what would you say? First, I just wanna normalize it and let them know that they're not alone and I feel deep empathy for them, I don't have the answers myself. I'm still navigating it. I think it's

Grace 14:50

it's a journey It was in theory good for like medicine and when

Rach & Grace Audio 14:58

when I worked as an EMT or a medical assistant double checking, you know, and knowing what I was putting in IVs or medications for patients, but, ugh. Well, it's something that based on research that I've actually been doing in this program around perfectionistic tendencies that usually are found in competitive athletes, whether that be collegiate, professional, Olympians, is in ways necessary to win a gold medal or win a championship. And so I think there's these two sides of the coin of how can we help athletes in the future understand that there's someone beyond their sport and their strivings this incessant need to strive for being excellent and also to win, which a lot of people wanna do in sports specifically, no one likes losing, right? I mean, I didn't. Right. So in that environment, in ways, it almost felt necessary. And so, you're right. I like the thought of, you know, where can you channel some of these Tendencies into other avenues of life without the anxiety of failure. Yes. Yeah. And the shame of what it would look like to fail. and then I think it's a matter of accepting that we're human, we're not gonna be perfect. Yeah. And that's so hard 'cause I would say I struggle with similar things to write the perfect paper in grad school right now and read every page of every book. When some of it is just unrealistic. Sorry, professors,

Rachel 16:53

did you have a hard time answering the question? Who am I after leaving sports? After quitting rowing, no no longer identifying

Grace 17:04

as a ballerina. Was that challenging for you or was it a relief? I was lucky also because I did my yoga teacher training when I was 14, so that was kind of a backbone for me of movement and softness and a place I could go on my mat and cry and just be be with myself, I think. the hardest part was the time that IL that I gained and lost. I didn't know what to do with five hours. I didn't know how to understand a workout that wasn't five hours relatable or like so intense that you're crawling off the treadmill or something. Yeah. which sounds sick. It sounds so sick. and then I had, I, you know, school was still really intense and I did EMT training right after I graduated college and COVID happened, and I think it was all divinely timed in my life, and I'm really, really grateful. I had yoga on the, on the other side to catch me because I could still go to two heated vinyasas a day and feel like I, had pushed my body in a similar way. And that's still something I miss from leaving that part of my identity. I think it's really important that we're talking about these things. You know, we just talked about perfectionism, and no one is gonna have the best answer because everyone's different in terms of how they deal with it but talking about it feels like a really good step so that people don't feel like they're alone. And similarly with the intensity of workouts or this space in our day and our lack of structure, it's like none of us are alone. Everyone's feeling it, and sometimes it can be shameful to talk about it because it's challenging. as athletes, we don't wanna feel weak because we've always meant to be the best and strong and show up. So in general, this conversation, I hope, reaches other athletes who are feeling those things that you've described and that we've spoken about. Shifting gears a bit. You have experienced tremendous loss in your life. You mentioned your mom and spoke about being in the caretaker role. Another label that you've lived through in your life,

Rachel 19:55

if it feels safe to, would you speak about that and the experience of loss and managing grief in your life?

Grace 20:04

You know, know I think we've all experienced loss in our own ways and even with breakups or boyfriends that I've had, you have that feeling of knowing that it's ending in your grieving in the process of grieving before you even break up with them or losing a dream of a certain school that you applied to, it's that gut wrenching pit in your stomach feeling? I was 18 when she was diagnosed, so it was my freshman winter break of college and I was in Colorado skiing and she texted me that she needed me to come home. I hadn't lived with my family for three years prior, and I was like, you don't have the right to tell me what to do. But I had a feeling and I texted her and I said, if it's anything but a health related reason for me to come home, this will be very selfish. And she didn't respond. So I had a feeling before I even got there. And she was diagnosed with stage four stomach cancer, her decline was pretty rapid. It was an immediate knowing that she needed around the clock care. She couldn't keep food down because the tumor was barking off her stomach, so so she had, a feeding tube and then a gastric pump on the other side of the tumor and needed help toileting and bathing and showering, and we did pursue chemotherapy. And if you decide to pursue more than I think eight rounds, then insurance won't cover palliative care. So So there were no nurses she spent actually the first, after the feeding tube, she was in the hospital for a month. and What's crazy is nurses are so overworked in the hospital setting that. She still needed somebody sitting with her to help her press the morphine button when she was in pain because a nursing staff couldn't get there in time. So my older sisters had jobs and my dad needed to work also to pay for her bills and I was with her nine to five every day. And then my two sisters and I rotated every third night She lost a lot of weight too so the, in my family, we were, really concerned about the nutrients that she was getting and we ordered like sea urchins from New Zealand to put in her feeding tube and vitamin C and greens and everything that's not actually in a allopathic feeding bag and sometimes the tubes would get clawed because it was so thick of nutrients. so anyway, even throughout the night, you would be checking to make sure that the feeding bag was going, so that was eight months. Really intense. I look back at that time as a time of great strength and a time I'm really proud of in myself and a time that I was grateful for, to be intimately connected with my mom. that period also helped me embody who I wanted to be even more because she felt most safe with me, and Safety is one of my biggest values. So I was at every chemo appointment. I was the only person she wanted to shower her. The only person she would let her give her coffee in a must and I got to see her innocence and she was so beautiful in that way. Sophomore year started the day after she died and I went right back to school because I wanted to live the life that she could no longer live. And I felt a huge mission to carry her legacy forward and And closer to a her passing. I felt that mission more intensely and sometimes I miss that. I wish that feeling was closer to me now, I think losing a parent at a young, age was pretty isolating. I didn't have any friends at that time who had lost a parent. and I don't think at any age there's a day that you don't need guidance or unconditional love or a mother's voice cheering you on. I feel grateful too, because not everyone misses their loved ones on the other side, you know? know? So for me, grief is really a reflection of the love that I have for her and the love that we shared for each other And the the love she had for me. I had a really good mom. I also think now The gift that I have is to mother myself and believe that I have everything in me and around me that I need to go forward. I don't think she would've left or transitioned if she she thought that we needed her longer. Like I really believe that the soul leaves when they're ready, and when it's time, and when all her lessons and gifts were complete. Thank you for sharing and for being open and honest and vulnerable. I have no doubt that's not the easiest thing to speak about, so I'm just grateful for you to speak on a topic that is really close to your heart. Thank you for asking. I, I, also think with loss, sometimes people don't even know how to relate to it if they haven't themselves experienced it. And truly, it's such a gift for me. I don't wanna speak on everyone's behalf, but when people ask about my mom, I'm like, oh, let me tell you about her. She's awesome. You know, I love that, as you should. I wanna know everything about this woman. Considering how awesome you are, it's clear that you have so many layers to your life And so many pieces that have come together to bring you to where you are. How are ways that you care for yourself through all of these experiences of, deep grief loss, caretaking, being an athlete that was overworked. What are a few ways, just as we start to get towards the end of the episode, that you take care of yourself? Looking back on all of those experiences, I have a miniature golden Doodle named Romeo, that's the key. And dog love is unconditional love, and I felt grateful for him every day. And. He needs to get outside every day and be cared for every day. So he was a huge help in getting out of bed in some of the harder seasons of my life. Nature has always been such a safe place. I have loved identifying with Mother Earth and Father Son and Mother Moon, sometimes I can see the moon and the sun at the same time, and I'm just like, I am so held or putting my bare feet on the ground or hiking in Colorado, where I used to live, and I that serenity and beauty is Breathtaking and peaceful and soul giving. I cook and that's a gift from my mom when I get to share meals with people, friends, my partner. I've had really good friends, really good trail angels, really good boyfriends. I have a really good fiance, like I feel really lucky with the people who have been on my path supporting me and then my yoga mat and obviously like. A good Gilmar girls binge is yes, really nurturing. That is a great list. Wonderful. Something that was shining through in this entire episode that you were exuding as you were speaking about all these experiences and self care and loss, et cetera, is gratitude

Rachel 29:45

you are clearly so grateful for the things in your life that have been positive, even though you've experienced a lot of difficulty, it's clear that that's one way that you move forward. And I am, correct me if I'm wrong, but I feel that. Because you speak so eloquently and so beautifully about the blessings in your life. I'm like, are you kidding me? The sun's shining. I got my matcha. I met Columbia in a podcast studio.

Grace Only Video 30:19

Are

Rach & Grace Audio 30:19

Are you kidding? Yes. What more could you ask for? Well, we have a few minutes left. This has clearly all led to somewhere where Grace wants to show up in the world how are you wanting to serve and in that service or anywhere in your life, how can people connect with you that might be listening? Thanks for giving space.

Grace 30:45

I I love women. I. I wanna work with women. If you identify as a woman, I'm so here to be your sister. I completed a somatic coaching certification, through that and my own somatic therapy, I've felt more embodied and more grounded And it's applicable to everyone in, in any season of life for women. you can find me on Instagram. My handle is at I am Grace Amara, send me a message and I'll be happy to chat. Thank you for allowing people to connect with you today and potentially after your presence is truly a gift. It's been an honor. Thanks for being here. Thank you, Rachel. I feel so honored.

Rachel 31:44

Thanks everyone. My name's Rachel Peck, and you've been listening to Unmasked.