#21 - Dr. Lynn Banis - Picking up the pieces: rebuilding your life after losing a loved one

Grief is everywhere, but most of us still feel lost the moment it becomes personal. I sit down with Dr. Lynn Bannis, a grief and resilience mentor, to talk about what happens when loss stacks up fast and life suddenly stops making sense. Lynn lived it: she lost her mother, her brother, and then her husband, and she explains why that kind of compound grief can feel like wave after wave with no shoreline in sight. 

We get specific about the real symptoms of grieving that people rarely name out loud: loneliness, decision fatigue, and the brain fog that comes when your nervous system drops into fight-or-flight. Lynn shares what helped her survive those early months, including staying connected to family, creating new holiday traditions, and giving kids a place to grieve instead of pretending they are “too young.” We also talk about how to support a friend who is grieving without awkward clichés, fixer energy, or disappearing after the funeral, plus simple practical help that actually fits real life. 

From there, we move into resilience and recovery, and Lynn challenges the idea that resilience means “bouncing back.” After a major loss, the old life is gone, so the work becomes rebuilding identity, values, and purpose. We dig into the stories we tell ourselves that keep us stuck, the role of community in healing, and how gratitude can return in a way that feels honest. If you’re navigating widowhood, bereavement, or supporting someone through loss, this conversation offers grounded hope and usable tools. 

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Transcript

Welcome And Why Grief Is Universal

Peter Kolakovic 0:01

Hello everyone and welcome back to another episode of My Best Life. On today's episode, I am speaking with Dr. Lynn Bannis about grief, resilience, and recovery. Grief is perhaps the one experience that unites every human being. No matter where we come from, what we believe, or how successful we become, loss eventually finds each of us. Yet despite its universality, grief remains one of the least understood parts of the human experience. We often don't know what to say to those who are hurting, and when we're the ones carrying the weight of loss, we discover that there is no roadmap, no timetable, and certainly no simple way through. The death of a spouse is often described as one of life's most devastating events. It is not simply the loss of a loved one, it is the loss of a shared future, familiar routines, identity, and the quiet certainty that someone will always be there. Rebuilding after that kind of loss can feel impossible, but as today's guest reminds us, while grief changes us forever, it doesn't have to define the rest of our lives. Lynn knows this journey intimately. After losing her husband, as well as her mother and brother in a three-year period, she experienced firsthand the heartbreak, uncertainty, and profound loneliness that so many widows face. Yet over time, she discovered something remarkable. Healing isn't about leaving love behind or pretending the pain never existed. It's about learning to carry both grief and hope at the same time, creating space for joy, without guilt, and finding purpose in a life that once seemed unimaginable. Today, Lynn has dedicated herself to helping widows move beyond simply surviving. As a grief and resilience mentor, she empowers women to rediscover who they are, reconnect with their own strength, and build lives that are rich with meaning, fulfillment, and possibility. Her work reminds us that resilience isn't the absence of sorrow, it's the quiet courage to keep saying yes to life, even after it has broken your heart.

Strength You Can’t See Yet

Peter Kolakovic 2:19

Lynn, I'd like to begin with a quote from one of my favorite musical artists, the legendary reggae artist Bob Marley, who once said that you don't know how strong you are until being strong is your only choice. Lynn, after everything you've lived through and everything you've learned, how do those words resonate with you?

SPEAKER_00 2:41

They are big time. And I I find that people who've been through this process at first, and sometimes for a very long time, feel like they don't have the strength to do it. They can't get out of bed, they don't have the strength to put one foot in front of the other. But my take on it is that indeed everything that you have done in your life, every experience, everything you've learned, all of it has gotten you to the place where you are right now, and it's in you. It's there, that strength is there. It's hard sometimes for an individual to pull that out by themselves. And so I feel it's really imperative that they get someone who knows what they're doing and can take them by the hand and walk them through the process all the way into their new life because it it's it's you know, you don't see it in yourself, however, other people do.

Peter Kolakovic 3:45

So we're gonna talk about your journey with grief, losing your husband, mother, and brother within a very short time span. But before we get into that, how would you describe your life before those events?

SPEAKER_00 4:01

My life was I I was blessed. I had had a good life. I had a lot of experiences, ups and downs, like everybody else. But for the most part, you know, I was very happy, and my husband and I had retired, sort of. And and uh, but we were doing things that we wanted to do, which which is a blessing at the end of life, that's for sure.

Peter Kolakovic 4:27

Okay. Well, can you take us back to the day that everything changed?

Compound Grief And A Life Shift

SPEAKER_00 4:32

Well, I experienced what we cause compound called compound grief. And that is, it started with my mom. She was in the path of three hurricanes coming into where she lived in Florida. So I called my brother and I said, Go get her. We cannot leave her down there. She was 100 years old at the time. So he brought her back to his home and she promptly fell and broke her hip. So I went down and stayed with him for a few weeks, and I brought her back to my house. And we had her till she was 106. And, you know, it it was a special time for for my mom and me because we just bonded so tightly. And we'd always been, you know, friends, but this was this was different. And I thought a lot about the fact that she's 106 and she's not gonna live forever. So, you know, I had that anticipatory grief, and then and then she she fell and broke a whole bunch of ribs, and that was that. And she she passed into like a three-day period, and then about nine months later, I got a call in the middle of the night when my nephew said that my little brother had had a massive heart attack, and he he said he's not with us anymore. And then about another six months, my husband went in for some minor surgery and didn't make it. So that compound after compound after compound. So I can't tell you exactly when it changed, but I can tell you that what happened is that each new incident rips over the old one. So that's wide open again, and then you have to deal with all of it. So I think what really made the difference for me as I muddled my way through that first year without Bill, I had gone through all sorts of things and and I I pushed myself too hard, I got sick, which your body's gonna tell you, knock it off. And as I was as I was recovering from the illnesses, it finally occurred to me, gosh, you have all the skills, all the experience, everything you need to help people through this. Nobody should have to go through this alone. It's terrible. And and so after that, I just kind of got myself in gear and went through all my materials and figured out how I could really help people. Studied a lot. I've I found that those practitioners who just deal with the emotional part, that's not enough. You know, people can handle their emotions, but then they still don't know what to do or who they are. So I decided, well, I'll create something that takes them all the way into their new life and supports them through the process. And that's been that's just turned into my my mission the rest of my life is to really help women find who they really are underneath all of the stuff that life puts on us and and learn how to make the right decisions you know at uh according to the things they have learned about themselves.

SPEAKER_02 7:53

Sure.

SPEAKER_00 7:54

And create a life that that that they don't have to be sad about, a life that supports them and a life that's that's joyful and and fulfilling.

Peter Kolakovic 8:04

Okay. Before you could get there, though, you had to deal with the grief that you were dealing with in your own life. Of course. And so was there anything that surprised you about the grief that no one had prepared you for?

SPEAKER_00 8:18

Yeah. I had spent about 30 years as an executive coach helping senior business people become the best they could be, overcome obstacles and losses, and you know, all of those things. So I thought, well, you know, I I can handle this. I I know what this is like. And and the truth is, people say to you, you don't understand unless you go through it. And I believe that's true. It is so there's just no words for it. And uh the pain is so deep, the loneliness is incredible, and the the brain fog that sets in immediately just does not allow you to to think clearly, and and that's because your body has immediately gone into fight or flight, which impacts the the frontal portion, the amygdala in your brain, and its job is to keep you safe, and and it doesn't it cannot function when there's a lot of emotion going on. So you do you feel like you're untethered. You feel like, where am I, what am I doing, who am I? All of those questions are bombarding you when you can't even think about it and make rational decisions. So it's it's emotional, it's physical, it's psychological, your whole body is is involved.

Brain Fog, Loneliness, And Early Coping

Peter Kolakovic 9:47

Okay, so you mentioned the pain, you mentioned the loneliness. So in those first weeks, months, first few years, how were you coping?

SPEAKER_00 9:57

I am fortunate to have two of my daughters here. I have three, uh, and but they have been amazing, and my sons-in-law have been amazing, and grandkids, of course. And you know, I I know enough having a doctorate in psychology, organization behavior, is and I know enough about human behavior that we needed to bond together and and heal together. So we did that because m everybody just loved him and he was fun to be around. The kids loved him, and and so I made it a point to make sure that we did things together, and we did things like the first Christmas. Well, the first Thanksgiving, I could not, I could not go. I just couldn't make myself go to the house. But about that time, I said, Well, this can't happen at Christmas. We've got to do something. I cannot sit there at a big table with a turkey dinner that I've made by myself and and see that empty chair. I can't do it. So I told my my kids and the grandkids, I said, we've got to come up with something different. And of course, they're getting to the age where they don't want to sit through a big adult dinner anyway. So they came up with um, well, let's just do like let's just have a spread of all sorts of things and we can make our own sandwiches and stuff, and it's been it's been awesome. You know, and you think you have to keep the old traditions, but you don't necessarily, because this has been something the whole family decided on and the whole family enjoys. But what I had done was I gave each of everybody a small mason jar. And I said, you know, from the for the next month until Christmas, I want you to think about your grandpa. And I went, when you do write down on a little slip of paper what happened, what did he say? Was it funny? You know, what happened? And then Christmas, after we'd had our meal, we sat around and pulled those strips of paper out, and just everybody was in hysterics. I mean, it was so healing. That, you know, that's the kind of thing that's really important for people to do. And it's not it, it has kind of traditionally been, oh, children are too young to deal with this. And no, they're not. They're dealing with it. And if we don't help them through, they're gonna think it's their fault. They've done something wrong, and then that sticks with them for years and years and years.

Peter Kolakovic 12:33

Right, right. So what were the other signs, whether big or small, that healing was possible?

SPEAKER_00 12:43

Well, I I always knew healing was possible because that's what I've done all my life is to help people. But but I think the biggest sign for me was when the tsunami waves stopped all of a sudden crashing over me and just you know, pulling the rug out from under me. And that doesn't mean it stops completely because it's still it still happens. But I felt like I was I was really better equipped to manage m up and down of emotions and much much more, you know, consistent. So that, and then I realized the brain fog was lifting. And I felt like, you know, I I can trust my decisions now. Whereas in the beginning, there's just uh you can't, you know, you just can't. And so those two were really important things for me to get to recognize and and then feel like, okay, now let's figure out what the next step is.

Peter Kolakovic 13:48

Many people in our society struggle to talk honestly about death and and don't know how to grieve. Why do you think that is?

SPEAKER_00 13:57

Well, I think it's pretty obvious. We have a taboo against that in our societies. And so we never talk about it, therefore we never learn how to do it. And when something happens, people are afraid. They're afraid that they'll say something wrong, they're afraid that they'll do something wrong, and you know, just that fear that they don't have the proper knowledge to help somebody. And so I have written a little, a little missive, I guess, that I'm gonna send to you that people can download that's how to help your friends and family through grief. And it it will give people some ideas because I think that's part of my job too, is to go out and and talk to groups of people like service groups and you know, th like that, because men and women both, you know, have that issue.

SPEAKER_02 14:53

Right.

SPEAKER_00 14:54

And it's so hard to understand why people that, you know, couples that you've gone out to dinner with fairly consistently all of a sudden disappear. And and it hurts, it's hard for you to understand because you feel like, well, I'm still here, but you don't realize that they are so uncomfortable sitting with just one when there used to be two.

SPEAKER_02 15:18

Right.

SPEAKER_00 15:18

Um so I think it's it's a matter of us using better judgment in terms of trying to put ourselves in the shoes of the person who's grieving. We tend to say and do things that we've seen or heard other people do without thinking through those. I I remember somebody said to me early on, well, he's in a better place now. And I just felt like screaming. I do not want him in a better place. I want him here. I don't care where that better place is. And and it just, you know, it just rips open all the pain. So, you know, my advice to people is be present with the person who's grieving. You don't have to, first of all, they're not broken. So don't try to fix them because you can't do it. Um there's there's really nothing that anybody can fix. It's it's something they've got to go through and experience. And so, you know, think. Don't bring, I got like a dozen nine by thirteen casseroles of lasagna for me. All by myself, you know, like what am I gonna do with this stuff? So think small portions, person probably isn't very hungry, but people tend to kind of graze. You know, they're not hungry, but occasionally they won they want something. So small b bowl of fruit or some cheese and crackers, something just they don't have to worry about cooking or anything like that. And I know we do we do the big things because we think, oh, this'll last for, you know, and they won't have to deal to cook and all that kind of stuff. But reality is they're not gonna want to cook and they're not gonna want to eat for most for most people.

SPEAKER_02 17:06

Right, right.

SPEAKER_00 17:07

So I knowing the person and you know w what their preferences are around food and stuff is is certainly important. But, you know, the kindest thing I think you can do is to pick up the phone every once in a while, every week or or twice a week or something, and just pick it up and say, Hey, I've been thinking about you today. I just want you to know I'm here for you. And that is such a wonderful thing to hear when you're when you're in that situation. And let someone cry. That's how that stuff that all comes out of our body. That's part of our our body cleansing the grief and and all those feelings.

Healthy Grieving And Common Myths

Peter Kolakovic 17:50

So that's wonderful advice for people that are supporting people that have others that have lost loved ones. But what about the the person that is actually grieving themselves? What does healthy grieving look like?

SPEAKER_00 18:04

It's really tough because the tendency, now I know a few clients who have just wanted to get out of the house and be out all the time and with other people, but for the majority of people, it's more hunkering down, hermit-like, you know, forcing themselves to get up in the morning, forcing themselves to eat or drink something. And when people reach out and say, Well, what can I do to help? they usually say nothing. Well, they haven't had the chance to think through, and they they don't want to be a burden on anyone or bother anyone, so they say nothing when it would be much healthier for them to say, you know what? I'm really craving a BLT. All right. If you could bring me a sandwich like that, I would just be so happy. Or we have to train people how to treat us. And so if we can say, well, just uh maybe some grapes, or you know, I would love to have a drink, some grape juice, whatever. So I think understanding that we have to get in touch with our needs. And s sometimes it's so overwhelming that you're just crying all the time. And you know, the best thing there is say, I just I just want to I just need you to be a friend. And you know, we don't have to talk about anything. Just if you just sit with me for a while. Those are the things that really are most impactful, I think, for people.

Peter Kolakovic 19:49

Are there misconceptions that people have about grieving? And if so, what are they?

SPEAKER_00 19:55

There's a ton of them. Well, look at corporate America, it's probably the same in Canada. Maybe not, I think you have longer, but we've got three days bereavement. Three days. So the misconception is that you heal right away.

SPEAKER_02 20:11

Right.

SPEAKER_00 20:11

And you know, that just it just doesn't happen. And people don't realize that there's all this brain fog going on that you can't even think rationally. So if you have to go back to work, they're gonna say things like, Well, you're not productive like you used to be, or you made mistakes, you didn't used to make mistakes, or you know, those sorts of things because they don't understand how long it takes and what's happening inside of the person. So I that's one major thing that is a misconception. There's lots of lots of them that go around where you should be feeling better, you should be go out and and join a health club or you know, these these things that people again it's trying to fix.

unknown 20:59

Right.

SPEAKER_00 20:59

You know, I'll tell you something that will fix you. Go do this and and you'll feel better. So for the person suffering, though, one of the huge things is their self-limiting beliefs. You know, well, if if I decide in X amount of time, whatever it is for them, that I I really would like the companionship of somebody, uh, but I can't do that because think people will think I didn't love my husband. I hear that a lot. I I see families that step in and try to take everything away from the person that's grieving because they think they're helping and making it easier for them. But again, you have to go through it. There's an old children's song called Wanna Go on a Bear Hunt, and the bear encounters some big obstacle and and they say, You can't go over it, you can't go round it, you can't Go under it, you've gotta go through it. That's what it's like.

Resilience Means Building A New Life

Peter Kolakovic 22:07

Let's shift the conversation from grief to resilience and recovery. How do you define resilience? What did it look like in your own personal journey?

SPEAKER_00 22:20

Well, I have a trouble with with the way we define resilience because resilience is bouncing back, in my mind. Okay. A kid uh uh strikes out uh in his baseball game, and you know, a little one starts to cry, and he gets over that and bounces back and and can play, you know, the next inning or whatever. But with grief and loss, there is a difference in that whatever has happened, that piece of someone's life is now gone, doesn't exist anymore. And one of the things so many people try to do is to regain their old life, and then they get stuck because they can't. It's it's impossible. And they try to just rebuild the life that they've had, but the fact is that their circumstances have changed. Their roles in life have changed. And it's important for them to spend a good amount of time digging to figure out who they are underneath all of the obligations and expectations and everything that that rule their life and have ruled it you know for a long time. People spend a long time building their life, and it's very difficult when that's gone. So I think the resilience turns into being willing to look at what's really going on with you, find out what you want, how you want to do things, why, what's the payoff, all of those sorts of things until you can say, all right, I am really clear now on who I am, and this is what I want, these are my values, these are the kind of people I want around me. And and then you can start thinking about well, what do what do I want to build? What do I want my life to be? Because you seldom have an opportunity to do that.

Peter Kolakovic 24:41

Were there certain habits that helped you rebuild your life?

SPEAKER_00 24:47

I I love to work, and I just I just have always loved what I do. So that and I, you know, being a pointy-headed intellectual, I I like to research stuff. So, you know, that helped that helped me heal to learn a lot about you know the depth of all of this and the neuroscience uh associated with it. And so that habit of of tearing things apart and looking at them and figuring out what's going on did help me. And I think some people's habit of talking to their kids or their best friends, if you can keep up that conversation, it's important to understand that we don't heal alone. We need to be with other people to some degree. That doesn't mean you have to go sit with a group of people for hours, but you need to have a core group of people who see you, understand what you're going through, and that they don't criticize, they just they've got your back. So, and when you have that, there's more stability because if we think about it, we talked a little bit earlier about it's like feeling like you're untethered, you're just floating around. So you've got to find something that will give you some stability again. You know, we know that when people feel disconnected, that what they really need is some little thing in their life that they can say, I have control over this. So that might be picking up the phone every Thursday and calling Sally. You know, it doesn't have to be big, it just needs to be something that is is consistent and that I can count on, and I know that she's gonna listen to me.

Peter Kolakovic 26:47

There must have been days, you know, as you're going through this process of recovery when the grief unexpectedly returned. And so, how did you keep moving forward on those difficult days?

SPEAKER_00 27:01

I have learned over the years of working with people how to center myself. And and that is a calming thing for me. And that's what I do work with those sorts of things with clients, because you if you can bring yourself back to a steady state and stop flying off all over everywhere in your mind about what am I going to do? This is terrible, blah, blah, blah, blah, that will give you a chance to breathe. And sometimes just breathing is is what helps you get there. But that happens, it still happens. It wasn't too long ago that I walked into a meeting room with a bunch of people talking to somebody, and out of the corner of my eye, somebody walked in and it looked like my husband, and I just, oh my gosh, you know, stabbing the heart. So, you know, those things, those things still happen, and they happen five, ten years. It's not, you know, it's not as frequent, but they but certain things will trigger the your brain to remember. And then you get the emotion. Well, actually, what happens is we get the emotion first. Our body knows sometimes before our brain does.

Peter Kolakovic 28:16

Right, right. So on on that note, on you know how how it feels in our body, what does healing feel like, you know, on a very kind of somatic level?

SPEAKER_00 28:31

You know, that's that is hard to put words to because we spend so much time in emotions, and that's not the somatic level. The somatic level really is deep in you, deep in your bones. You know, it's it's your body does know, and you trust that, and and you let that guide you. So I think there are some things that are pretty obvious when you start being able to sleep, when you no longer having terrible nightmares, if that's one of the things that that happens to you. Some people wake up in the middle of the night just distraught. When that starts to subside, that is some healing. So mostly it's your body's reaction to things that tell you it's getting a little better. It's getting a little better. And it doesn't happen overnight, it takes months, sometimes years. But but just staying in touch with what your body is telling you, and you will feel that the brain fog, you know, you start to think more clearly. Those are the big ones, I think. Right.

Peter Kolakovic 29:51

One of my recent guests was a somatic coach, and he was talking about how animals literally shake off stress. And I'm wondering, is there a similar type of response for humans when dealing with grief?

SPEAKER_00 30:06

I think to some extent, and but I mean it's not it's not like we can just shake it off, but it but it has to do with exercising. And it may, it may not be any stronger exercise. It could be going outside and walking around the block or going outside with your cup of coffee or tea and sitting out and enjoying the outdoors. Those things really help us shake some of that stuff off because it's it's back into nature, it's back into what really feeds our bodies. And so, you know, a lot of people find that that starting joining a yoga class or you know, some kind of a fitness routine or something, it helps them a lot. I mean, it helps you feel better anyway.

Peter Kolakovic 30:52

Certainly, yeah. So okay, well, let's talk a little bit about finding purpose after loss, because that was a big part of your journey, which eventually led you to help other widows and other women going through loss. So, how did your journey eventually lead you there?

SPEAKER_00 31:15

For me, it was felt, but part of it is because I have a technique that I have used over the years that looks I do biographical study of when someone's in in uh flow, and I figure out from that how they do things, what they do, when they do it, why they do it, who they do it with, what role they want to play, all of those things, plus looking at the environment, what has to be there to support them when they're in flow. And so I know all that stuff about myself. And that really helped because I I could say, all right, this is what this is out of alignment. So I've got to correct that. But that's one thing I do with my clients is that's one of pieces, a big piece of stuff that I gather information on them and help them understand so that they can make really solid decisions about what they want their next chapter to be. And the last thing I would want would be for somebody to just say, Oh, I think I'll go to Costa Rica and live there, and and not have that kind of support environment and and everything that's going to help them really make make their dreams come true.

Purpose After Loss And Inner Stories

Peter Kolakovic 32:40

So as you're working with these widows, with these women, what are some of the first emotional barriers that they need to overcome?

SPEAKER_00 32:49

Well, like I said before, I don't work with with people until they get the brain fog lifting and you know that they can manage pretty well their emotions. But one of the things that I find is so deep and devastating for people is their belief system. And, you know, we know about self self-limiting beliefs, and you know, we can work through those. What I find is even more substantial and deep and solid is the stories that we tell ourselves that guide our lives. So, you know, it it might be well I can't I can't do that. I I can't lose weight because nobody in my family's thin and I I'll never lose weight. Well, where did that come from? That came from childhood. Everybody, you know, w would eat, they didn't have good they didn't have good genes, they didn't have good, you know, m menus and all that sort of thing. So that story, which is just a story, can guide somebody throughout their life and and you know and keep them from stepping away from that and getting the relief of not having to carry that. So I think that that those are the things that that drive us that we just are not aware of. We may know we're unhappy with something, but we don't really know what's actually the root of it.

Peter Kolakovic 34:31

Right. So what were some of the stories that you were telling yourself, and when did you realize that they were stories?

SPEAKER_00 34:39

Well, one of them I think most people have is I can't do this. I just can't do this. I don't know how. I mean, I've so many, so many people say I can't live without him. You know, I can't, I don't I've known him since high school, you know. I can't, you know, part of me. Well, yeah, you you do give up part of yourselves and and create part, you know, who you are in conjunction with another person. But this is where my deep belief that every experience you have is learning and is building strength in you. And so I had that as something that I could hold on to anyway. And that's something, you know, that need pe we need to work with people and teach them how to recognize that. But let's see, what else? Oh, I can't fix it. I I have to have a man, I can't fix anything around the house. You know, this is going wrong and I don't know how to fix it. Well, YouTube can help you figure out a whole lot of things.

SPEAKER_02 35:44

It sure can.

SPEAKER_00 35:47

And I think a lot of people have a tendency to feel they're the victim. You know, they don't necessarily play the victim in in front of their family and friends because that would embarrass them and they don't want to burden people, but they feel that they are the victim. And, you know, that mentality we have to we have to get through that. That's a tough one too. Because it's when you're in that kind of an emotional state, you feel like everything is crashing down around your shoulders.

SPEAKER_03 36:21

And it's not your fault.

Peter Kolakovic 36:26

Here's another profound quote, at least I think it's profound, on the subject of resilience. Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass, it's about learning to dance in the rain.

SPEAKER_00 36:39

Absolutely. Absolutely. I love that. And I've used that too. I think it's just it's it's unthinkable when you first experience a big loss. You know, there's there's not gonna not gonna be any future. I'm never gonna be happy again. All of those sorts of things that, you know, dissipate as you as you start experiencing what what's happening with you. But I like to call it the messy middle, and that is where it feels like nothing is happening, but lots of things are. You just don't recognize them. And and when you can begin to see a little bit of light at the end of the tunnel, when you when you first realize, oh, I I just laughed. I haven't laughed in months, you know, or I just picked up a book and and oh, it was really great to get back into reading. You know, those are the things that begin to really help you rebound into a human being again. And and those are the things that I like to help people build around because if it's something you love to do, that has all sorts of emotions and and you know hormones and everything that are feeding you and and helping you be lighter about life.

Peter Kolakovic 38:04

Have you witnessed moments of transformation with your clients that inspire you?

SPEAKER_00 38:09

Oh, yes. I have. And I I don't want people to think that you have to create something big and and exciting and and impactful on a large scale. But you know, some people some people just love to read. And they think, oh, well, I can't build my life about around that. Well, maybe, maybe if that's what you love and if that feeds your soul, maybe there's some things you can do with that. Maybe you could be part of a book club or start a book club, or you know, so we just brainstorm a whole bunch of things. Do some things with books with our children and you know being be in the library and volunteer, all these sorts of things that people can do and keep their love of whatever that is. I mean, it could be it could be needlework, it could be music, it could be, you know, all sorts of different things. But the two that really stick out for me are are two clients that really made incredible changes in their lives. One of them had been in corporate, in hospitality, and very, very high, lots of responsibility, and she just got to the point where she was sick and tired of corporate and the demands and requirements and all the stuff that she had to do. And she said, I don't know what I'm gonna do, but I do know I have to get out because I'm getting this is making me sick. And we worked for quite some time, and finally she was uh, you know, we were kind of doing some wild blue sky thinking and stuff, and she said, You know what? You know what I think would be really wonderfully relaxing and exciting would be to have a place in the North Woods on a lake. And as we talked, she began to get this idea that she could buy a small resort and run it and have all the the tools from being in hospitality. I mean, you know, she had all the tools she needed for that, and so she started looking, and she now has been wow, almost 10 years running this small resort. I mean, it's got five or six cabins, that's that's plenty. That's wonderful. And and so, you know, she is has created a life that just feeds her, you know, she she likes getting up in the morning. So that's one. And then another one had been a corporate event planner, and she had worked with huge corporations that would take their people to, you know, Maui and all these beautiful, wonderful places around the world, and then that all came crashing down, and her her company folded, and so she, you know, it's like, what do I do now? And as we talked, I found out that she is an absolutely incredible needlepointer, and she loves fabrics and textiles, and and so she came up with, well, you know, I have all these contacts, I can get into all these places because they know who I am, and I've brought them, you know, money and people and and notoriety. And so she ended up taking small groups of women who who love needlework and fabric, and they go on a trip. Let's say they go to Belgium, she can get them into a place that knows her and she knows them that where they're actually making Belgian lace, and they don't let anybody in. So she's got those kinds of connections, and so she put everything together. And I mean, she's gone to to Alaska and and studied the clean clingit art and in South America, just everywhere. So, you know, those are the those are the real success stories, right? But that doesn't mean that you're not successful doing something else. You certainly don't have to start a a job, uh, a business. Sure. Like I did. Crazy.

Community, Gratitude, And Living Best Life]

Peter Kolakovic 42:48

Well, wonderful. Thank you for sharing those very inspiring stories. Uh, you mentioned on a couple of occasions the importance of family and community in this process. How can family members support someone who is going through the process of grieving?

SPEAKER_00 43:08

You know, what generally happens is that after the first, you know, at first everybody gathers around, and you know, and and when a couple weeks or a month goes by, they tend to go back to their lives because they've got jobs, they've got families, they've got responsibilities. And that makes it really difficult for the person who is grieving and and is alone. So I think that it's important to do things, to plan things where you get the family together. Even oh gosh, when during COVID, I got my whole family, cousins, everything, together on a on a Zoom call for my mom for one of her birthdays. So she could see everybody and talk and you know, just be with people for. A while. And that's that I think is one of the most cathartic things because you start talking about what you loved about whatever it is that's gone and how important that was to you. So that would be that's one of the biggest things I think is getting the family to gel on supporting each other, but then also making it normal to talk about it. You know, so many people won't even say anything about they won't, you know, don't even say his name. There are no pictures. Take all the pictures out of here. But you need that, you need to understand and and embrace that that was an important part of your life. And you it's there. It's going to be in your memory. You can't just erase it. So why not embrace it and and use it for joy and impetus to you know, honor what you had?

Peter Kolakovic 45:03

What about the larger community? I mean, so many of us live in in big cities and we're disconnected from each other. We're strangers to ourselves. What role does community then play in healing?

SPEAKER_00 45:17

This is something that is really difficult for a lot of women and and men too, I know, but men seem to be better at having a coffee and breakfast together, you know, or something like that, or or having lunch meetings and and stuff with friends at work. But, you know, there are groups, there are grief groups, and I think that some of them are very good. I would caution people to make sure that they don't turn into a pity party because that doesn't help. So, you know, but if you can find even one person who you can talk to, you can be yourself with, that is really important. And yes, you're right. We are so disconnected. I do find that Zoom helps a lot. You know, it's not the same, it's not the same, but at least you can see somebody and and and laugh together and interact together. So finding and and sometimes you have to make that connection yourself, which isn't easy for everybody, but you know, picking up on an old relationship that maybe has gone quiet, sometimes that helps. But it it's you know, like I said before, we don't heal alone. We need to be in the company of others.

SPEAKER_03 46:54

Sure.

Peter Kolakovic 46:57

One of the themes that comes up in many of my conversations is gratitude. And I'm wondering, is there a role for gratitude in this process and what has this journey taught you about gratitude?

SPEAKER_00 47:10

There there's a huge place for it. Hard to to put your fingers on that in the very beginning, but for me, I'm I was fortunate in that Bill and I did a lot of stuff together, having very similar uh educational backgrounds. So I'm grateful that I can now keep going and honor him in the process and you and do things that we used to do together still that were really important. Not everybody has that, granted. But there are things that I just I just find so many people blossom once they get to a place where they're not responsible for somebody else. And please, I'm not knocking marriage or you know, any relationship thing, but it is different because when you're in a relationship with someone, you're not totally yourself. You've you make adjustments for the other person. So all of a sudden, I mean, it's kind of like going to college. Well, the world's out there. And and the gratitude for being able to experience things that you didn't experience before is really such a help in the healing process.

Peter Kolakovic 48:40

What are some of the things that you are grateful for in your own healing journey?

SPEAKER_00 48:45

Well, I I told you being able to do what I'm doing now is is just a huge thing. And I'm building my own business. I'm really grateful that I can do that without somebody else telling me what I needed to do and didn't and shouldn't do. Right. I'm very grateful for my new friends that have been supporting me and helping me along. And I'm grateful that I had to downsize. The house was just too big for one person to take care of. And I have my little house here and my dogs, and and it's just cozy, and I'm just grateful for that. And I know Bill wouldn't be comfortable in in this size of our house. He's a big guy. Right. You know, so also the relationship with my children and grandchildren is is huge. And we've we've all be always been close, but I think the effort we've made recently, you know, in the last few years to to bring ourselves together and make sure that we we not only enjoy each other, but talk about our history and our past and the things we loved and people we loved and and all those sorts of things. So those are big ones for me.

Peter Kolakovic 50:05

What do you believe is the greatest gift that can emerge from life's deep deepest pain?

SPEAKER_03 50:14

You do have a different perspective on life.

SPEAKER_00 50:17

I mean, you have been through the fire. Part of my logo is a phoenix. And one of the things that I I can put this it with the gratefulness too, that I really learned is that you have to remember that the phoenix can't and doesn't appear and rise until there are ashes. So until something changes, you can't make that new path, that new flight. So, I mean, that's just a a huge one for me, and and um I've got phoenixes everywhere.

Peter Kolakovic 51:00

Well, and here's another quote for you. Victor Frankel, the renowned psychiatrist and Holocaust survivor. Right. What is to give light must endure burning.

SPEAKER_00 51:13

Yeah, I that's that's an interesting thing because I think what it does, most people really come to realize that they get so much back when they help others, when they do things for others. And, you know, that's kind of it. You've you've gone through this, but now I have a softer perspective on people. And when I reach out and and help somebody or do something for somebody, I get some of that back too. So, you know, and I find that most people are feel that. They they realize that they're here for a reason, and that now's the time to figure out what that is and and build your life around your purpose.

Peter Kolakovic 52:08

For anyone that is going through this process right now and believes that their best years are behind them, what would you want them to hear right now?

SPEAKER_00 52:18

I would want them to say, I'd say, look at me. I had a great, I had a great life. There were, like I said, ups and downs, of course, everybody has, but at 75, I decided I was going to start a new business. And I'm thriving. I'm traveling more than I ever had. I'm speaking on stages, I'm doing all these things that I get a lot of pleasure from. And so, you know, when they when people say, well, age is just a number, I truly believe that. It's just it's in here. What are you thinking about it? And what are the what are the old messages that you've got? I mean, some people say, Well, you look so good. Most people look like they're done at 65. And it's like, that's not anywhere near in my belief system, but for some people it is. So examining those things, because it's very possible. There are a lot of women that are doing, you know, new and different and f and wonderful things at an older age, you know, and that and it is it is possible to find love again. Just have to let yourself, you know, you just have to let yourself okay that. Give yourself permission, that's what I want to say.

Peter Kolakovic 53:42

Well said, well said. Lynn, we as we come to the the end of this conversation, I want to thank you for joining me today. This has been a wonderful and inspiring conversation. And I have just one last question for you. As you know, the the title of this podcast is My Best Life, and it's all about how we live our best lives. And I wanted to ask you what it means to you to live your best life.

SPEAKER_00 54:11

That's just so wonderful. Oh, and and I'm bit I'm a big advocate for it. It's I have learned to pay attention to me and figure out what my rhythms are, what works best for me. How how can I create a life that the center of it is about fulfilling my genuine needs and being happy about that. And you know, that has to do with where you live and what you eat and all those sorts of things. But then building your life around it so that what you engage in accommodates and supports who you really are. And to me, that's living your best life.

Peter Kolakovic 55:01

Beautifully put. Lynn, thank you again for joining me on the podcast today. I have really enjoyed our conversation.

SPEAKER_00 55:08

Thank you. I enjoyed it too, Peter. Thank you so much.