“Grief Comes in Waves… and the Guilt That Comes With Them”

Grieving Greatly – Episode 6
“The Guilt No One Talks About in Grief”

There are parts of grief people expect…
 the sadness, the tears, the longing.

But guilt often arrives quietly.

The guilt of surviving.
 The guilt of laughing again.
 The guilt of not doing enough.
 The guilt of moments you wish you could change.
 And sometimes… the guilt of simply continuing to live when someone you love no longer can.

In this deeply personal episode of Grieving Greatly, grief counsellor Jen Connors explores the hidden guilt that so many grieving people carry but rarely speak out loud about.

This episode is a gentle reminder that grief and love are deeply connected… and that being human after loss does not mean you loved them any less.

If you are grieving someone you love, I hope this episode helps you feel a little less alone.

🎧 Available now on Spotify & Apple Podcasts.
 Please subscribe, share, or send this episode to someone who may need it today.

Jen Connors - Harrys Helping Hands Grief & Loss Counselling 0431212575

#GrievingGreatly #GriefSupport #TraumaticLoss #SuddenLoss #GriefPodcast #MentalHealth #BereavementSupport

Transcript

SPEAKER_00 0:01

Just when you think you might be okay, it hits you again out of nowhere. And sometimes it's not just the grief that comes back. It's the guilt too. Hi and welcome back to Grieving Greatly. Today I want to talk about something that so many people experience in grief but don't always understand. Not just the waves of grief, but the guilt the guilt that can come up with them. Grief isn't steady, it doesn't move in a straight line. It rises, it falls, sometimes gently and sometimes all at once. After losing Harry, there were moments where I thought maybe I can get through this. I remember driving home from a counselling session, and for just one moment feeling maybe I can keep living. Maybe I could breathe a little easier. Maybe I could get through the day. But then something would hit me a memory, a thought, a moment. And just like that it felt like I was right back at the beginning. I remember driving past the funeral parlour and having a full blown panic attack, having to pull the car over. And this is where I gently remind people we don't want to avoid everything that triggers us. Because if we start doing that our world becomes smaller and smaller. And the truth is we could sit in one room for the rest of our lives and still be triggered because our mind is powerful. My mind kept me in deep grief for longer than I expected because of my thoughts, because of my constant narrative. It was things like this time last year I was happy. This would be a good moment if Harry was here. And without realizing it, those thoughts were pulling me away from the people that were still here with me, and placing me right back into that deep grief. Grief often splits your life into two parts before and after, and nothing ever quite fits back together the same way. There's a version of your life that existed before loss and a version that exists after. And in the beginning your mind keeps going back. My mind would go back to dates all the time. This time last year I was a happy mum. Harry was still here. And it felt like my mind kept pulling me backwards into a life that no longer existed. I remember not being able to fully be present even in moments that were meant to be good. Because there was always this thought sitting underneath it this would be better if he was here. And that would pull me straight back into the grief. Grief doesn't come gently, it hits. I could be going about my day, and then suddenly I'd see a family with their son. And that would hit me. This overwhelming wave of wanting that, of wanting him, of so desperately wanting Harry, and it's not just missing, it's a deep physical ache wanting them back, wanting your life back, wanting what should still be yours. That moment isn't weakness. It's yearning, it's a grief wave, and it's love continuing. And what I didn't expect was that I wasn't just the grief that would come in waves, it was the guilt too. Guilt can show up in so many different ways after loss. Sometimes it's loud, sometimes it's quiet, but it sits there underneath everything. Thoughts like could I have done more? Should I have seen something? What if I had done things differently? These questions can replay over and over as your mind tries to make sense of something that doesn't make sense. I think sometimes guilt comes from a need to understand, a need to feel like maybe we had some control. Because the reality that something like this devastating can happen without warning, without reason is incredibly hard to accept. But guilt doesn't just live in the past, it shows up in the present too. There were moments where I would catch myself smiling, and almost instantly the guilt would hit. How can I feel this when Harry can't? There was this constant awareness that I was still here still breathing still eating still living and he wasn't. I remember thinking I shouldn't be able to enjoy this meal because he can't eat. I shouldn't be laughing because he's not here to laugh. It doesn't feel right to be okay even for a moment. It felt like if I allowed myself to live I was somehow betraying him. Because grief isn't just the wave of missing them it's everything that comes with it. The thoughts the longing the guilt all crashing in together. And over time, very slowly I started to understand something. That my love for him was never measured by how much I suffered. That guilt wasn't truth. It was love. That smiling didn't mean I missed him any less. That eating laughing living wasn't leaving him behind. I wasn't moving on from him. I was learning how to carry him into a life I never asked for. Those waves aren't something to fight they're something to move through to let come and let pass because those waves are made of love. Memories, connection, the bond that doesn't disappear. You are allowed to have moments of peace. You are allowed to laugh again. You are allowed to keep living. That doesn't mean you've stopped loving them. It doesn't mean you've forgotten. It means you are human. It took me a long time to understand that sadness and happiness can exist in the same space. That allowing myself to feel even a moment of joy didn't mean I was leaving him behind. In the early days that felt impossible, like I had to choose one or the other. But over time I learned that grief doesn't disappear, it changes. The waves that once crashed without warning slowly begin to soften. They still come, but there's more space in between them, more room to breathe, to live, to feel something other than pain. And the waves themselves don't last as long, don't hit quite as hard. And if you're in that right now I want you to know it doesn't mean you'll forget or love them any less. It means you're learning to carry them with you differently, and it does get easier, not all at once, but little by little in ways you might not even notice at first. If grief is coming in waves you right now, and guilt is sitting inside those waves, I want you to know this you are not going backwards, you are not doing this wrong. You are grieving someone you loved deeply. You are learning to live with something that changed everything, and that takes time. This episode is for Harry and for anyone riding the waves of grief one moment at a time. I'm here with you and I'll be with you in the next episode. Thank you so much for being here. And before you go, I want to leave you with this. You'll always be enough for me, and you'll never be too much. And just a gentle reminder, if today brought up anything difficult, please reach out for support. You can contact Grief Australia 1800-642-066, Lifeline Australia on 13114, or reach out to me directly on O four three one two one two five seven five. Thank you.