Episode 12: Coping With the Pain – When Grief Leads to Escaping

Grief doesn't always look like tears.

Sometimes it looks like staying busy so you don't have to think.
Sometimes it looks like drinking a little more than usual, scrolling for hours, overworking, withdrawing from the people you love, or trying to numb the pain in whatever way you can.

In this episode of Grieving Greatly, we explore one of the most misunderstood parts of grief: how coping can slowly become escaping.

Avoidance isn't a sign that you don't care. More often, it's a sign that the pain feels too overwhelming to face. Our brains are wired to protect us, but when temporary protection becomes our long-term strategy, it can keep us stuck and disconnected from the life we want to rebuild.

In this episode, we discuss:
• Why grief often leads to unhealthy coping strategies.
• The difference between coping and escaping.
• How shame and isolation can deepen grief.
• Why healing doesn't require perfection—it begins with one small step.
• Practical, compassionate ways to reconnect with yourself when you feel overwhelmed.

If you've ever wondered why you're struggling to move forward after loss, or if someone you love seems to be "avoiding" their grief, this conversation is for you.

Remember, healing isn't about never struggling. It's about knowing you don't have to struggle alone.

If this episode resonates with you, please follow, rate, and share Grieving Greatly to help others know they're not alone in their grief.

You are enough. You will never be too much.
— Jen Connors 0431212575

Transcript

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When grief hurts enough, people don't just cope. They survive. And sometimes survival doesn't look healthy. Sometimes it looks like drinking more, working constantly, avoiding people, shutting down, scrolling endlessly, using substances, staying busy, never stopping, or never getting out of bed. And if you've done those things, you are not alone. Hi and welcome back to grieving greatly. Today I want to talk about something we don't discuss enough in grief. Not grief itself, but what we do to escape it. Because grief is painful, sometimes unbearably painful, and human beings are wired to move away from pain. So when loss enters your life, sometimes coping slowly becomes escaping, and often we don't realize it's happening until much later. One of the biggest myths about grief is that people avoid grief because they don't care. Most people avoid grief because they care so deeply. Because pain feels impossible, because sometimes the loss feels too enormous to sit beside. So the brain does what brains do. It protects, it distracts, it numbs, it survives. Avoidance is not weakness, it's usually protection. The problem is protection can become prison. Grief and addiction often sit closer together than people realize. Not because grieving people are broken, but because pain is so exhausting. Sometimes alcohol becomes sleep. Sometimes drug becomes quiet. Sometimes food becomes comfort. Sometiming becomes distraction. Sometimes work becomes avoidance. Sometimes exercise becomes escape. For me there were periods where I absolutely escaped, because staying present with grief felt unbearable. I think many grieving people carry enormous shame about that. And here's what I know now. You can understand why you coped the way you did without staying stuck there. Sometimes escaping doesn't look dramatic, sometimes it looks like feeling nothing. You stop crying, stop talking, stop answering messages, stop engaging and stop recognizing yourself. People might even tell you you seem better when inside you feel numb. Emotional shutdown is something many grieving people experience because feeling everything all the time is exhausting. So eventually the nervous system sometimes says I can't do this anymore. Avoidance can become sneaky. You stop going places, avoid photos, avoid songs, avoid friends, avoid hospitals, avoid conversations, and avoid memories. Sometimes you avoid the things you used to love because they remind you. The difficult thing about avoidance is this it works, at least temporarily, that's why we keep doing it. But eventually our world can become smaller and smaller, and grief still follows us there. Many grieving people ask what's wrong with me? Why can't I cope better? Why am I still doing this? I want to challenge something. Maybe the better question is what pain am I trying to protect myself from? Because shame rarely creates healing. Understanding often does. Recovery from unhealthy coping rarely looks neat. You might stop drinking, start again, withdraw less, then isolate, reach out, then disappear. That doesn't mean failure. It means being human. The goal isn't perfection. The goal is building enough safety that you don't need survival strategies quite so much anymore. If grief has pulled you into coping strategies that no longer feel helpful, start small very small. Ask what am I needing right now? What feeling am I avoiding? What is one kind of choice available? You don't have to fix your whole life. You only need one next step. Maybe that's texting someone back drinking water eating something walking outside attending counselling reducing rather than stopping immediately and admitting you're struggling. Tiny steps count. There's something else I want to say here. If you're listening to this and thinking this isn't just coping anymore, I'm stuck. I'm drowning. I don't know how to stop. Please hear me when I say this you do not have to carry this by yourself. Because grief can become incredibly isolating, and when unhealthy coping takes over, shame often convinces us to stay quiet. But healing rarely happens in isolation. Sometimes we need people beside us counselors, friends, support groups, family. Recovery supports someone safe. And I want you to know something else. I understand the depths of that pain. I understand what it feels like when surviving feels harder than anyone around you realizes. I understand trying to escape because staying present hurts too much. And because I understand that, I also know this. Things can change not overnight, not perfectly, but slowly, gently with support. Reaching out is not weakness. Sometimes it's the bravest thing grief asks us to do. There's one more thing I want to speak about. Sometimes grief becomes so painful, so exhausting, so relentless that people don't necessarily want to die, they just want the pain to stop. And if you've had thoughts like I can't do this anymore I don't want to wake up I don't know how to keep carrying this. I want you to know something. You are not broken and you are not alone. Thoughts like these can happen when pain feels bigger than your capacity to hold it. They are not something you have to manage by yourself. Please tell someone a friend, a family member, a counsellor, a doctor, a crisis service, anyone safe because grief can lie to us. It can tell us we are trapped, but support creates options. And from someone who understands how deep grief can go, I want you to know this you deserve support before things become unbearable. If you have coped through alcohol, through substances, through shutting down, through pretending, through staying busy, through avoidance. I need you to hear this. You survived, and survival deserves compassion too. Grief asks impossible things of us, and sometimes we survive impossible things imperfectly. The ways you coped may not be the ways you want to continue, but they were trying to help you survive. Healing isn't about becoming someone new. Sometimes it's simply learning you no longer need the amount that protected you before. And if this week you notice a ladybug or a turtle moving slowly along or something that resonates more with you, just let it remind you slow change is still change, small steps still count, and you are allowed to rebuild gently. This episode is for Harry and for every person who survived grief the only way they knew how. I'm here with you and I'll be with you in the next episode. For Harry and for every life deeply loved. And just a gentle reminder if today brought up anything difficult or if you recognized yourself in the coping strategies or thoughts we discussed today, please don't sit with that alone. Please reach out Lifeline one three one four Suicide Callback Service 1300 659 467, Grief Australia 1800 642066 or reach out for professional support if you need someone beside you. You can also contact me anytime on O four three one two one two five seven five. Thank you.