#4 - One Way Streets + Mean Letters From Parents

Oye! In this carpisode, I get lost in my own city. Again. 

I guess I just really like talking to you. 

We discuss why I'm not mad at my parents anymore. Then I unnecesarily risk my life with a wrong turn while passionately telling you to throw those immature letters / emails form your parents AWAY. They're abusive. And Cruel. 

I also touch on my parenting style and how I would react if one day my kids wanted to go no contact. 

Next week I'll tell you how I talk to my dear, dead brother. 

No matter what you're going through, just know you're never alone. You are so divinely protected, and you're exactly where you need to be. 

I love you, bye!

@Christie.heals

Transcript

SPEAKER_00 0:00

What's up cutie pies? Welcome back to another carpet. Uh this time I have my microphone clipped to a hat, so maybe it won't be so echoey. I'm already on the highway. But um I wanted to get back on here because I mean I can't have a plan when we when we start these, that's no fun. There's it's just when I have a second, let's talk, you know? That's the best long-form content. Um I I realized in the last episode I didn't really round out my thought with if I'm still mad at my parents or like how have I resolved my anger at my family. And I just wanted to make sure if I didn't make that clear, I wanted to answer that. Because a lot of you are listening now, and I'm I'm appreciative of your messages, and thank you for oh my god, we had like 300 downloads. I looked today. I'm like, oh my god, let's go! What are we building? I don't know, but get on get on the rocket ship, it's leaving. Um we were talking about letting go of the fantasy and just not being mad at the iPhone 1. Do you remember that? Because you're an iPhone 16 and it doesn't make you better, you just have different equipment. Um I've been thinking about my family a lot lately, obviously, with the content that I'm making and hearing people's stories is what's digging it up. Is a lot of you are still in the um, but it's your family phase, and people don't get it, and but you're at your wit's end, and some of the things you're telling me, I'm like, hey, that's that's manipulation, and that's that's abuse, that's verbal abuse, that's physical abuse. Some of you have been physically had hands put on you for trying to just be yourself. There's all kinds of stories. And so I've been thinking about my family a lot, and what's coming up anymore is not anger, it's it's been um a lot of peace, a lot of peace with my decision to hear a lot of your stories. And I really just have let go of that fantasy that they could meet me where I was at, and that they would one day wake up and be like, oh my god, you're actually a great daughter. This whole time you've been trying to get us to be be nicer to each other, and we should have appreciated you, we should have seen you, and we really underestimated you. That's all my ego. That's all all of our egos, thinking that one day our our family's gonna get it and they're gonna care, and they're gonna think we're great, and that they misunderstood us, and they're gonna magically wake up one day and have a big old bowl of empathy soup. I think it is too terrifying for certain people to have empathy. I think some people really don't have any at all. I can remember the way that my parents treated people in the service industry and the way my parents tipped, and the way they treated customer service agents when things weren't quite right. And as a millennial, again, I'm not better, I just have different equipment. Like you, you might get your way not by yelling at someone, but by patiently explaining to the customer service rep like, hey, my my thing's not right, can you help me? And they're like, totally. And I come from a family where it's like, you need to fix this now, this is unexcusable. And it's like not the person's fault, it's their job as a front frontward-facing employee, and it was just so embarrassing. I remember working at a hotel in my early 20s, it was like one of my first jobs, and then I got married at a hotel. When it was time for my wedding, I was at the front desk, a job that I worked at that same time. I was 23 years old. I got married so young. And I remember we were talking to the front desk about some logistics with my wedding, and or we were looking for something we that had been dropped off at the front desk, and they couldn't find it. And my mom like ripped this this front desk person a new booty hole and was just so rude. And the person was trying to understand what she needed, and I remember de-escalating and then apologizing to the person after she walked away, like, oh my god, I work in hotels too. I'm so sorry she just spoke to you like that, you know, and and we got what we needed. I remember my grandmother on that wedding trip, too, was like upset about something, and she demanded to be upgraded, and it was just so embarrassing. And this is maybe just the old way of doing something. This is the change of the guards. I see them for what they are, and I don't expect them anymore. My grandma's not alive, but I don't expect them to magically wake up one day and say, Oh my god, I see that I can get what I need in life by actually being nice. I see that there's two sides to a story. I I can self-reflect and see that my behavior in the past has been a trauma response, has been me um not understanding my shadow, and I need to do my shadow work, and I need to be in touch with my inner child, and I should go to therapy and actually tell the truth this time, so we can actually get something done. They that's too scary for most people. That was kind of a wandering story, but um I just I don't move through life the same, and I'm it's almost like here's here's a new way to look at it, too. Like, your anger's justified, okay, guys. I've I had anger for a long time. I couldn't understand why. Why is this happening to me? Why is this so hard? Why don't they get me? Why, no matter how hard I try to bring this family together to call out the bad behavior with the goal of can we please stop acting this way so that we can stay together as a family? How come every time I do that I get villain vilified? Villainated? Is villainated a word? No. Um excuse me. Allergy season. Um I just see so clearly now, and it takes time. I see that that's not how they want to see the world, and that's okay. And it's too scary for them to maybe admit that this whole time on this earth they've caused a lot of their own issues. And back to that book I suggested, The Map of Human Consciousness explained. Um, some people really are more comfortable being in a victim mentality, like be very careful around people who act like a victim in the problems that they create. And whether it's your family or your friends or your spouse, for me, it was everyone like this. That's why I kind of had to blow things up. And it did not feel good, but it feels way more aligned now to get away from people who can't take accountability, who won't let you share your feelings without it being an argument, who aren't interested in how their actions affected you, who think that that's like silly baby talk. Some of my favorite comments on my videos are when a boomer gets in there and they're like, Ugh, you little snowflakes, you guys they're so sensitive, all this therapy talk, like, bro, sis, ma'am. Brethren, um, go to therapy. You are projecting. Chrissy. Trying to clear my throat for you so you can hear me. Um, I just see that everyone's the star of their own movie, and some people are more comfortable saying, I didn't do that. That's not my fault. I never said that. That's called Darvo, by the way. I'll talk about that in a second. But they just they get what they want in life because they're so ridiculous and nobody wants to deal with them. So, of course, the customer service representative at the end of the day is like, oh my god, I'll find like you can have a free month. Just let me get off the phone with you. But that doesn't feel very good, does it? To like yell at someone who it's not even their fault to get what you need. Like, that's not a way to move through life. And it pushes all their friends away, it pushes family away. I have to imagine a lot of you, with whatever's going on with your family, if that's what you're listening for. I can't imagine your your parents or your these people have a lot of friends. Do you know what I mean? I think actually, too. Hold on, I'm gonna contradict myself. I don't think it's normal to have a lot of friends. I think you need to stand for something. Not everyone's gonna like you. But my my parents have like no one. My mom has like one friend who's also really super mean to her kids, and I think they just like build each other up. Maybe like I'm building you up. They I just they haven't been very nice to people. Um, my dad tended to write nasty letters. That rubbed off on me for a while. I stopped doing that very quickly. My dad used to write letters to his kids, to his brothers and sisters, to people in his life, and say, This is everything I think is wrong with you, you're bad. I put I took the time to put in writing and do spell check on on how I've been keeping score about you. And really, that's just my dad projecting that he he's insecure and he isn't even good enough for himself. But um I just know what to expect with them now, which is why I'm not angry. I'm just like, I don't jive like that, I don't move through life like that. I get what I need by building relationships and being kind to the customer success person, sorry, customer support person on the phone, whether it's my internet company or you know, I had to spend hours on the phone with the internet person the other day, and we were like talking about astrology. We're talking I told them what I did for work, and they they're like following my account. So if they're listening, what's up? Uh Spectrum sucks, but you do not. We were talking about how how hard their job is and and how people can be nasty, and we had a great conversation. I still got what I needed, and I got like a little bit of um a kickback because my internet was down for two days. That's why I haven't been posting. I've had like major tech issues. And it felt so good to just talk to this person forever, and we were just we had a great time. It's not gonna be like that every time, but I love the way that I move through life, and I see the way my parents moved through their life, and I know I'm isolated right now too, but it's because I needed to shake off a lot of make a lot of room for people that are coming in. I can't wait to have authentic, good, strong connections with people soon who are can sit down at my table of life and have, you know, things that I want to rub off on me. We make each other better, you become the average of the six people you surround yourself with, kind of thing. But like at my parents' age, to have no real friends because they've pushed everyone away or they've acted a certain way, that's I'm not even gonna say that's embarrassing because that's not nice. I don't I don't mean to throw shade on the whole situation, but it's it's just very telling of like you don't want to be at the end of your life and have nobody who likes you or nobody who cares for you because you were so wicked toward everyone. But healing is hard work and it's not always clear what healing even means, you know, when when you go on a journey of self-exploration and self-awareness and trying to figure out who's who, what the heck is a trauma response, what are mine, what happened to me? Oh, I was abused as a kid. Oh god, it's a it's a lot to digest and go sort sort through. It's like going through your metaphorical junk drawer of life to figure out what happened to you and apply how your past behavior might have been maybe a little inappropriate. We've all been there, we've all done it. Um, but healing takes work, and you know, at a certain age, I have hope for everyone. I think anyone can change, but they have to want to change. But I I just I would be very sad to be at my parents' age and not have had an impact on people or have had people say that, you know, they appreciate me or that they they trust me. Um, so no judgment. I just full long ass answer to 11 minutes in. Like, I don't I listened back to the last episode. I felt like I didn't really say why I'm not angry at my parents. I just um I see now that they're they're a way that I don't want to end up. But let's go back to the mean letters my dad used to send. Um, you know, my dad didn't know his dad. My dad's got a ton of trauma. I have so much empathy for what he went through. Um it was not okay what happened to my dad. But I think he took being a dad so seriously and he thought he was a leader. He was, you know, driven by ego and everyone must see me. And he had an incredible career. He was a fire chief. No knock on his work ethic. That guy was a machine. He got he achieved a lot, but there was like a trail of tears behind him. Um, my dad used to send letters that my mom would proofread, so it would double sting because you knew both parents looked at it and said, Yeah, let's send this to our kid. And I know they sent it to aunts and uncles of mine and like really burned some bridges. But my dad, we my brothers and I would be going through stuff in life, and and I'll talk about my black sheep brother and I. I was more the invisible child for most of the time. But he and I had a lot of um emotions, and we had you know, life life is messy. You could not really make mistakes in my family, and you didn't bring problems to my parents. They were just like, figure it out. No, here's no structure, go figure it out and be incredible, otherwise, we reject you. But my brother was dealing with financial issues, and and he got divorced. His his first marriage, he was didn't act quite right because he had a lot of anger issues, no excuses. Um, was in a second marriage, that wasn't working out, he was dealing with a lot of addiction. Um and my dad would send nasty letters. Let me back up though. Like in college, I wasn't doing great because I went through a horrible breakup. I was told I couldn't play basketball anymore, even though that was my my sport that I played to get a scholarship. And I was across the country, which the school I chose, but like my my grades weren't doing well because I lost my identity. I had an ego death when your world is shooken so badly, you kind of have a moment of reckoning and you don't know which way is up, and it can be very scary. And my grades were slipping, not because I wasn't trying, but because I was depressed as hell. My friends were still traveling to play on this team that I was no longer on, but I still got a scholarship to the school, luckily. But like I I felt left out. I needed to go make new friends, I was sad and really heartbroken over this guy who ended up being my husband. That's a story for another day. We're divorced now. Believe them the first time they break up with you. Um but I remember my dad sent me a letter that was basically like, shape up, it was an email, shape up or ship out and get it together. What's wrong with you? And these letters they cut like a knife because there's no moment of curiosity of like, hey, my kid's in crisis right now, something's not right. What can I help? Or how can I help? What do you need, kind of approach? It was just like, you're failing, and we know that you're failing, so you better not fail. Um, and those letters were just kind of sent as a scare tactic to get you to shape up, but it was a very immature way because my parents weren't equipped, they didn't know how to be parents, they didn't have good parents, I I I get it. But they were very manipulative and very abusive, emotionally abusive, and taxing. It was like, we will abandon you if you don't get it together. Um, and my brother and I had many times where my our own parents cut us off. My mom and dad cut me off when I graduated college with much stacked up against me, and moved across the country because I got a job. I moved to Austin, Texas, a new and growing city, and and they were furious because I wasn't married, but I was living with my soon-to-be husband. And they let me, you know, there was no one to call when things didn't go right. They just needed to punish me and teach me a lesson that their love is conditional. Um, and I remember they sent a letter then too. They I didn't talk to them for like a year. My parents have gotten no contact with me and my brother several times. When my brother got in some legal trouble, you know, he needed curiosity and help. He needed intervention, he needed love, he needed like he needed his parents. But instead, he would get these nasty letters too. And one of the nasty letters he got about six months before he took his life was a letter from my dad that his wife called me at the time. And she goes, Oh my god, he's not okay. And once I read it, I was like, Oh my god, I wish he never would have, I wish this would have been torn up. Um my brother had been trying, he realized he was hitting rock bottom and he had addition ic issues with addiction. He was trying to get sober, he had gotten fired from his job, he was kind of having like a breakthrough. He was but he was breaking down. And he wanted to talk to my parents about the way we were brought up. He wanted to talk about the physical assault that they called spanking, he wanted to talk about some questionable adults where something maybe happened to him as a little boy. Um, and he was just now kind of able to uncover it and make sense of it and address it with my parents. Um he wanted to talk about religion and how much of that kind of messed him up. And my parents weren't having it. My dad sent him a letter saying he deserved to be spanked because he was the most difficult child. Oh my god. And uh basically said you deserved it. You were difficult. There was no ownership as a parent, no curiosity. And at the end of the letter, he essentially blamed my dad has a he has Parkinson's, and my dad blamed his Parkinson's on my brother. And that was heavy. My brother took that very literally. My brother was horrified, my brother maybe had some he brought up what he wanted to talk about with my parents very imperfectly and very emotionally. But as we finally, my brother's inner child was able to say, Hey, wait a minute. What the hell was that childhood? You guys, I need to can we repair, please? My brother was trying to repair, but your anger will come out when you're trying to talk about the past. Finally, it's coming out, it came out imperfectly, and my parents took it so personally because they're not equipped. I see it so clearly now. But my dad is just wicked with his words. And again, my mom proofreads these letters. Um I'm not saying that letter took my brother's life, but it definitely did not help at a moment that he was at rock bottom. He felt rejected and abandoned again, like he didn't measure up. And when you can't talk about your past with your parents, you know, stuff did happen. Stuff happened. And if you're not met with, hey, I was doing the best I could, but like I can see how that affected you, and I'm sorry. Or hey, I don't see it that way, but like I'm really glad you brought it up. Let's keep talking about it. Clearly, this is something that affected you in a negative way, and I want to understand it as best I can so that we can work through it. And you know, however many times you need to talk about it, let's let's do it. I'm here for you. Most parents are not equipped to to do that and talk like that and reason like that. They take everything so personally, which is why you gotta get away sometimes. I never ever tell people, please go no contact. I'm just trying to tell my story so that you feel less crazy. But if you can't talk about the past, and you if you got parents who rub your nose in the carpet anytime you try, like a puppy who peed on the carpet, remember the 90s discipline of dogs, like Jesus, that got cancelled. Our family used to beat the family dog, too. We'll talk about that never, because it was awful. Poor Buster. Um if there's no repair, there's no relationship. And cheesy peasy. When someone rides a motorcycle, did you guys hear that? When someone rides a motorcycle so fast in such a dangerous, such dangerous situation, I'm like, oh my god. I wish I could have been your mother. I would have loved you properly to where you weren't so reckless. I took a wrong turn again. I love carpesodes. Um mum mum mum mum mum. Yeah. Going no contact is not about punishing anyone, it's about protecting your peace because stuff did happen. And if if these boomer parents and these unhealed parents, I shouldn't be ages, some of you boomers are great. I love you. But if parents could only understand that when their kids are reaching out to discuss something that's difficult that the parents did in the eyes of the child, did or didn't do, you didn't protect me, or like you did this thing to me, if they only understood that they were so close to deepening the connection just by saying, I'm so glad you told me, and either I'm sorry if they remember doing it or not doing it, or if they say, I don't remember it that way, but like let's keep talking about it, that that's all we're looking for. We don't need perfect parents. Of course nobody's perfect. But also, if we can't talk about the past, you can't argue that the way that we were raised completely shaped our personalities and the way that we approach life and our inner critic. Um, if you're gonna deny me the ability to have a a candid conversation with you about how you affected me, then what are we doing? Why do you get to have this little kingdom of chaos and nobody ever holds you accountable? I don't need to rake you across the coals, but I might have some tears to tell you that when no one was home and I got punished for bad grades, that really scared me as a little kid. And like when the garage door opened and like having to jump off the couch because I didn't want to get in trouble. Like I there was no structure. Like we you guys like if you can't talk about that stuff, then you're The relationship is built on a false pretense of we don't we just sweep it under the rug and and get over it. And that's just again, that's not a relationship. I can't wait for my kids one day to say, Mom, sit down. I gotta talk to you about some stuff. Because I put them through divorce. I never wanted to do that. I know one day they're gonna say, Hey, I'm upset about this, this, this, and this. And I, you know what I'm gonna do? I'm gonna do what I didn't get. I'm gonna do everything my parents got wrong. I'm going to say, I'm totally here to I'm gonna listen to everything you have to say. I'm gonna give them my full attention. I'm not gonna interrupt. I'm not gonna say, I didn't do that, that didn't happen, I don't see it that way. Why are you so sensitive? I would never. I would listen to everything they had to say and I would pay very close attention. And when they were done, I would say, I believe you that you feel this way. I take full accountability because no one can tell you that your feelings are wrong or bad. If you're feeling a certain kind of way, I'll take accountability for that. Um, if they wanted to go to therapy, I would offer to pay for it. I would offer to drive, I would offer to take them out to eat afterward if they wanted to talk through what we discussed and figure out even more how we could apply it. Oh my god, I'm just driving around the city right now, totally lost. It's okay. There must be some kind of rally going on. Why is everyone honking and holding up signs about democracy? I am so not plugged in right now because I can't be. Um, I would then ask them, like, what I would ask my kids, what do you need from me in order to move forward? And I would believe them. And if they said, oh shoot, I'm going down a one-way street. Hold on. Oh, Christy. Okay. It's okay. We're fine. Um, I've done that before. It always works out. I'm so divinely protected. I'm here for you guys, but I gotta pay attention. Um, if my kids said they needed space from me, I would believe them. I would say, what would you like me to work on while you have this space? And I but I would ask them, like, what can I do? What would you need to see in me in order to feel comfortable having me around again? And I would give them their space and I would take what they said, I would take their instructions seriously, and I would really apply it because my kids mean the world to me. And I don't doubt for a second that I've messed them up because they watched me blow up my life, and they were a huge part of it, and I did it to help all of us get back on the right timeline and in back in alignment. Um, but I know it affected them. I'm not stupid. They had to see me in survival mode all over again and rebuilding, and they've seen me cry, they've seen my messiness, they've seen um me forget things or make us late to things because I'm doing so much and I'm trying to figure out what happened to me while rebuild, while raising them. They didn't sign up for this, they didn't ask to be born. Of course they're gonna want to talk about it. But also, I don't think I would create a situation where my kids would want to go no contact because I don't deny their reality. I don't, I would never write my kid a mean letter. Even if one of my kids, God forbid, if one of my kids is addicted, is a felon, is like like I I can't even say it out loud, but like, God forbid, I would be trying to figure out what do they need? How can I help? Not like, what's wrong with you? You're making me look bad. I would never, but that's that was what unfortunately my parents were capable of. It was all about appearances and optics and what are people gonna say about us. When I told my parents I was getting divorced, it was like an eye roll from my mom and my dad, after he heard about the actual abuse unfolding, he was like, Well, is there any hope of you preserving the marriage? And I was like, What are you insane? Did you hear anything I just said? Why are you not angry? Why are you not upset? And then he continued to loan my abuser his lawnmower for years because you know, people who are abusive can be very charming, and that's why people won't believe you because they're like, Well, I've never seen them act this way. Anyway, I don't think I could ever create a situation where my kids would want no contact with me because I'm very present with them as best I can be. I always I check in with them, I ask them who their friends are. I remember my mom asking me if I was popular, and I was like, no, and she was like, Well, I was, and I was like, Okay, cool, good talk. Talk to you again next year. I know my kids' friends, I know how different my kids are. I don't treat them like an extension of me. There was so much pressure to play sports. My one of my kids does, one of my kids doesn't, and that's just fine. I try to foster whatever creativity and whatever flow state, whatever passions they have. They're different kids. Um, but I it's not handing over your power when someone says you've upset me, you've affected me, it's not handing over your power to say, I believe you, and like I'm sorry. Even if you don't understand it yet, saying I'm sorry is is huge. Because no one can deny your reality. If if you're someone's upset, you say I'm sorry, and then you figure out a little bit more. If you don't understand it, you get super curious because you're not the dictator of your kids' life. You don't want to be remembered that way. Our kids are gonna talk about us no matter if we're good or if we're bad. And so, you know, I when my kids are upset about something, I get down on their level and I talk to them. This whole gentle parenting thing has gotten a bad rap. But I think it's incredibly powerful to be able to see how you're being perceived from your kids' young, young mind, and in their eyes, they're they're mad about something. So we don't say, like, get over it, just do it. I I have found so much um my parenting to get so much better when I simply just realized kids just want things explained. You don't just tell someone what to do. Nobody likes that. You don't tell kids to brush their teeth because they'll say, No. You tell kids you I want you need to brush your teeth because I don't want you to get cavities. They put a shot in your mouth and it hurts really, really bad. And I don't want that for you. My job, I tell my kids all the time, my job is to keep you safe and turn you into a great adult. And sometimes that means, and so when I have to enforce um, you know, uh a device getting taken away, or like when they don't follow through on something, I do discipline, but I don't hit them and I don't scream at them. And when they get upset about the thing that's getting taken away, I tell them, my job is to turn you into a great adult and to keep you safe. This is right now I'm doing my job. I know you're upset. I can see that you're upset. I just could never, I could never reject and abandon my kids the way that that we had been so many times. And other times I got abandoned by my parents, where when I my mom was begging to watch my kids, and then I'd come home from work, you know, I felt very responsible for my mom's loneliness because of her lack of friends and her lack of ability to build strong circles and her lack of hobbies and her lack of find having a purpose after her own kids grew up. I felt very responsible for her happiness, and I know that that's not what I'm responsible for anymore, but I'd come home from work and she'd be drinking liquor with my kids. And it was very upsetting because I she was noticeably under the influence and would have picked up one of my children from daycare. And um, not being able to talk about that, and then her running home and telling my dad I made the whole thing up, and then getting having my dad telling me I'm a bad daughter, and like you go no contact out of self-preservation because it stops making sense. When there's no repair, there's no relationship, and when there's no honesty, there's no authenticity, you know? You know? I'm trying not to say filler words anymore. You know, is like a crutch for me. I gotta stop saying that. Um but I wish my poor brother had stayed, and it's okay, like I get why he he he left. It's okay, meaning it's not okay. It's okay, like I respect his decision. He chose to leave. He was in so much pain, and he was feeling just so harshly judged, and towards the end, I temporarily went no contact with him as well, but I told him, I said, You need to go get sober. I was always the person he would call for a decade. When he was at the end of his rope, he'd say, I don't want to be here anymore. And I would answer the phone every single time. Not trying to sound like a martyr here, but I was acting like his mom, as his kid's sister with a four-year age gap for years, while raising my own children, while being married to an alcoholic, while going through my own stress. I always answered the phone for him. It was my biggest fear that he would end his life. But he got into a scuffle with his ex-wife, his second wife, and I was on the phone with her as it unfolded. And he, when people drink, their demons come out. And she left the house with no shoes on, and she just she got out of there because she was in danger for ridiculous things. And I believed her immediately because no one believed me. I've been in her shoes too. I can't save these people. But I told him, I said, I can't walk with you right now because I think I'm enabling you. And I'm worried about you, and I'm tempted to fly out there, but I got my own kids to raise and I need you to figure this out. And when he didn't have me for just a month, it was a short month, he was gone a month later. And I felt very responsible for his death for a long, long time. It took a lot of therapy, a lot of grieving, a lot of crying. Um but I was doing a job that wasn't mine. It wasn't my job to save him, but it also wasn't my job to be there for him so much because my parents needed to do that. My parents needed to do that in a non-judgmental way, but they weren't equipped, so my family's a mess, and maybe so is yours. Um on my next episode, I want to tell you guys all about how my brother actually started sending me signs and he we started talking. I know that sounds crazy, but I have proof and I have these crazy stories. I might, you know what? I'll just tell you right now. I'll just tell you right now. No, no, it's a long story. And I'm lost. I'm not lost. I'm just in my own city, like wandering around talking to you. He basically told me there was a typo on his headstone, and he was right, and I hadn't looked at it, and it was wild, okay? And then he sent me three green balloons. We'll talk about it next episode. But if you've ever gotten letters from your parents or emails telling you you need to shape up or like that they're disappointed in you, I hope you delete those emails, you tear those letters up, you never read them again, you never believe them, because that is not a parent. That's like a mean older sibling and like someone who was never equipped to have children in the first place. But I firmly believe we chose these families so that we could resituate the family bloodline and start fresh and branch off and start new traditions and a new way of behaving and a new way of raising children. Whether you have kids or not, you are going to start modeling a different kind of leadership, a different kind of empathy and emotional intelligence. And that's still kind of rare in this day and age, but there's like a new earth rolling in, you know, there's a new level of consciousness coming in. Thank God that there's a big narcissistic collapse happening and it's happening everywhere. And so you need to stay safe, remove yourself and ruthlessly edit your life from people who are committed to missing and misunderstanding you because there's no point. That's like a bad video game with no boss level and and no end goal to have people in your life who you can't be honest with and who deny your reality. Like, life is too short. This is not a game, this is your real life, and those people will hold you back. I'm not telling you to go no contact right now. I'm just telling you, as someone who's made certain decisions, there is peace on the other side. There is clarity. There it takes a minute, it's not easy. But what's harder? Like, choose your hard. You can have people in your life who make you feel insane and then keep them around, keep them around because everyone says it's the right thing to do. Or you can go against the grain and completely rebuild and be ruthless with who has access to you. Um, these people are running a red light. What are these children doing? Oh my god. Children on motorcycles in Austin? What in the world? What? Um ruthlessly editing your life is also hard, but it gets you closer in alignment with who you actually are and what were you put on this earth to do. You don't have to have a big public-facing purpose like me, but you're gonna stay small and confused and exhausted around people who are just harvesting your good energy because they know you're a good person and they know you can tend to be maybe on the people-pleasing side or the over-giving, over-loving, over-forgiving side, and they can just treat you however they want, and that keeps you from self-actualizing. They're just people at this point. Like, my mother is someone who I climbed through her birth portal, and that's all it is. I never felt a connection to the woman. I was always trying to figure her out, she was always a mystery. She was really good at faking certain things, nothing ever really made sense, nothing ever really added up, and she's an addict. At the end of the day, she's an addict, and it's okay. I don't judge her for that. I again, it's not okay when I say it's okay. It's like I have flipped this for me. It's not personal. She's stuck in her own trauma so deeply that I can't access her. I've actually never really met the woman. I don't know what she's really like. I'm sure she's lovely, but you can't make people want to do the work, you can't make people want to get better, and you can't make people want to heal. They have to want that for themselves. You can only control yourself. So if that's the case, then that's why I go no contact with all kinds of people. There was a two-year period where I made a list. I like stopped talking to 56 people. I also have a very large family, so that was a factor. But anyone who gave me a hint of self-doubt or like, but they're your parents, or but he never did anything to me. I'm like, bye, bye, bye, bye. It's not about taking someone's side. It's about it's not like I needed everyone to be like, oh, you're getting divorced. Well, screw that guy. I didn't need that either. I just needed a safe space to say what happened to me and have someone be curious and be like, I'm so sorry that happened to you. I I believe you. If you can if you can believe it, a lot of people didn't believe me. And that was confusing. That sent me into a nosedive of researching narcissistic abuse and learning like covert narcissists and smear campaigns and like how that all works and and the discard rejection phase, and when you reject them, oh, you better buckle up. But it's not don't say that I don't say that with the the want for you to not do it. It's almost like the more nasty that divorce got, the more the more sure I was of my decision, because that's who he was all along. It's not easy to choose yourself. It's hard. But choose your heart, because not choosing yourself is hard too. Okay, that's enough. I've driven around in circles, and now nobody will let me merge because these people probably think I'm a mess. Um, also, pay attention to your thoughts and the things that you say out loud to yourself. I'm not a mess. I'm a wicked, intelligent lady who's been through a lot, and I'm working every day to figure out what this was all for. And when you catch yourself saying, Oh, I'm so stupid, oh, I should know this by now, I messed that up, oh, that was embarrassing. I'm an idiot. No. You're doing great with the resources that you have, in whatever level of survival mode you're in, you're doing amazing. Be gentle with yourself. Tell yourself you love yourself, and then you'll start to believe it over time. I catch myself all the time. And I have to be like, nope, oops, you're great. I love you. You're just hungry. You're just tired. So, I love you guys. I'll talk to you soon. Bye.