#6 - Mother Wound vs. Father Wound

This week we're diving into two of the most foundational wounds that shape who we become as adults — the mother wound and the father wound. If you've ever wondered why you self-sabotage, why you can't stop seeking approval, why certain relationships keep repeating, or why success feels just out of reach no matter how hard you work — this episode is going to give you some real answers.

This isn't about blaming your parents. It's about understanding what little kid you, didn't get but desperately needed. Awareness is always the first step to freedom.

If this episode hits home, share it with someone who needs to hear it.

Follow along for more healing content at @christie.heals on TikTok and Instagram!

Transcript

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Hey everyone, welcome back. How you doing? How you healing? This is probably never gonna be a fancy show where there's music and it's so polished in the beginning. Like do do do do do. Welcome back to the Christy Hoffman Show, a show about healing, a show about nothing and everything. I like, let's just get into it. Like, no. And if I ever commercialize this to that level, please drive to Austin, figure out where I am, grab me by the shirt collar and be like, ma'am, you promised this was not gonna become some like super overproduced show. Anyway, how are you doing? Have you drank water today? Have you taken a deep breath? Can we unclench the jaw? I now have a timer in my like a reminder in my phone five times a day. And it just says, relax your jaw. You're okay, you're safe. And I laugh every time I see it because every single time I am very, I can feel all this tension. I'm like carrying the weight of the world on my shoulders in my mouth, and it's just like, girl, relax! It's gonna be fine. Ride the waves, don't fight them. I was having some jaw pain for the longest time, and I feel like it's getting a lot better since I did this. So maybe you need to do it too. Okay. Today I want to talk about the mother wound and the father wound. Okay. And this is not to make you super triggered and be like, oh my God, this episode's so painful. I know it's tough to go back and like revisit the past, but also this is a very important step in your healing work. So if at any point in this episode you're like, I can't listen to this, that's okay. But like come back when you're ready because this healing work will come for us, no matter if we do it or not. It will come for you in the form of a chronic illness, of constant panic attacks to where you can't function. Maybe you're already there. That already happened to me. It will come knocking on your door in the form of like physical pain until you feel like you can face it. So maybe this episode is gonna be super easy for you. And like me, now you're fascinated by trauma and you just want to learn because you're hyper-vigilant as heck. And this knowledge is the foundation of just naming what happened to us in childhood so that we can stop these loops and these recreating these certain patterns that we seem to have as adults. We're gonna get into it, but this this is work worth doing, is my only point, okay? So, anyway, without further ado, be brave. And I know you can do this, and we're gonna do it together. I am holding your hand, okay? And again, this is also not about having a victim mentality, like, oh, my life's so awful stuff. You, I mean, you are not your trauma does not define you, but your trauma has absolutely shaped who you are as an adult. I know it's shaped me. And when we have this conversation that we're about to have, and you can name certain patterns that you have and what kind of wound you have, and maybe you have both like me, so don't feel bad if you hear what I'm about to say and you're like, oh man, I got like the double double special. It's okay, me too. That makes you even more of a cycle breaker. That makes you even more powerful when you overcome this pain by going back to the past and going to go get it, going to go revisit and spend time with childhood you. Like, what did you not get? Why are we the way that we are? There's nothing wrong with you. Just know that. I spent way too much time thinking, what is wrong with me? People were not treating me well. I was a people pleaser, I worked jobs that I hated. I let bosses walk all over me and steal my ideas and talk down to me. I was in an abusive marriage, I was allowing my parents to walk all over me and talk about me behind my back. I had friends that were not good for me. And I, for the longest time, my late 20s, I was like, what is wrong with me? And it turns out there's nothing wrong with me, and there's nothing wrong with you. There's nothing wrong with any of us. But something happened to all of us. And if you can imagine childhood, you tugging on your shirt, like, hey, can you can you like pay attention to me? That's all that maybe your panic attacks or your chronic illness or your looping toxic patterns that you're like, why can't I break this addiction or this bad habit? Um, it's your inner child being like, Will you please pay attention to me? Will you please love me? And the answer is always yes. That's that's how we're healing, right? We gotta remember childhood us. So was that a good pep talk? I don't know. I think so. Let's start with the mother wound, and then we will get into the father wound. What I'm gonna do is tell you for each one what causes it, how it presents in your adult life, and then we're gonna talk about how to heal it and how to know if it's working. Okay, sound good? Here we go. So also I did a bunch of research, so I'm gonna be reading from my notes here. So if I become less fun and funny, that's why I'm reading. So the mother wound comes from an emotionally unavailable, narcissistic, critical, enmeshed, or withholding mother. Sound familiar? It can also come from a mother who was physically present but emotionally absent and just not really there. Okay. We also said the word enmeshed just then. We're gonna define a lot of these words. Enmeshment is when like your mom's needs became so ingrained into you that you were like, she was just smothering. She was a hovering mother, and like her needs were more important than yours, though. Um it develops, the mother wound develops when a child's emotional needs, feelings, or sense of self are consistently dismissed, punished, or made to serve the mother's needs instead. That's enmeshment. Parentification, which is being made into the mother's emotional support, chronic criticism, conditional love, and enmeshment. Again, I guess I wrote that twice. Basically, there's just no healthy boundaries between mother and child, or she's just completely absent and constantly critical of you. Okay. Um I have some stories I'm gonna tell, but I'll leave it at the end. I just decided. The show is live. We do not edit. So, how a mother wound presents in your adult life is, you know, for the for the reason that your mother is the first mirror that you have as a child. She's the first person who tells you, you're okay, you're lovable, you belong. The wound lives in your sense of self-worth and your belonging. So adults with a mother wound often struggle with chronic self-doubt and an inner critic that sounds exactly like their mother. And they have difficulty feeling like they're enough. They struggle with perfectionism, a fear of rejection, and deep, deep shame. So much shame. Do you relate to this? I know I do. So, depending on who's listening, men or women, you're all welcome here. I love you all. Let me break this down. Women with a mother wound often have complicated same-sex friendships. So, like your relationships with other women have often been pretty tricky little twin flame situations, you know? So people either are very clingy with you or they're competing with you. You may also unconsciously seek maternal approval from bosses, mentors, and older women. I was always looking for my mom in like older women at work who would just completely demolish me. We'll get to stories at the end. Men with a mother wound often struggle with self-soothing and their ability to be vulnerable, and they have very codependent relationships with romantic partners. Okay. We're gonna talk about how to heal them in a second. Let's get into the father wound. So, what causes the father wound? It comes from a dad who was absent either physically or emotionally. They were passive, critical, abusive, volatile, or they just simply never showed up in a way that made you feel seen, safe, and capable. It also forms when a father was there but withheld approval and never saying things like, I'm proud of you, or you're good enough, or I love you. We're laughing because it's trauma. I know I'm not laughing at you. I maybe you do the same thing. I'm not laughing at your pain. We laugh so we don't cry, but also cry if you need to. Um, these dads were overly harsh, controlling, or unpredictable, and it creates just as much pain as a dad who was just absent. So the wound is essentially like I reached for my dad and he wasn't there, he wasn't interested, or he wasn't safe. So, how it presents in adults in adult life, because the father's primary psychological role is to mirror a child's competence and your place in the world, to say that you're capable, you're protected. Go out there, kid, you got this. I'm here to catch you if you fall. Not. This wound lives in your confidence, your authority, and your achievements. So adults with a father wound often struggle with imposter syndrome, fear of failure, difficulty with authority figures. You're either defiant or you're overly like people pleaser-y. You struggle with self-sabotage right before success. Oh, that one gets me deep. Happens every time, but it's gonna stop. And an unconscious belief that you don't have permission to take up space or succeed. So women with a father wound either seek constant male validation or preemptively eject, sorry, reject men to avoid abandonment. And then men with a father wound often either over-compete to prove themselves or they collapse under any sense of inadequacy. Oh, so man. I know I had both, and so did my ex-husband, and I see it all so clearly. And maybe right now you're nodding along, like, oh man, I'm so glad we're having this conversation. Let me break this down a little bit further and explain the difference even a little bit more. Okay. So the mother wound, the core question of your injury is like, am I lovable? Do I belong? Am I enough? The father wound, the core question that where you're injured is, am I capable? Do I have permission? Is this okay? Um, the mother wound lives in your self-worth and your identity. Your father wound lives in your confidence and your achievements. Sorry, I'm kind of repeating myself, but hopefully this is still helpful. Um the the mother wound, your your success block is essentially just like your limiting belief is I'm not enough, no matter what I do. It's never good enough. I should just like not have even tried. I'm an idiot. I'm a loser. I'm nobody's ever gonna love me. Like that's that's from your toxic mom, okay? Your father wound, your success block is I don't deserve this. I'm gonna be found out. Um, even if I do get success, I'm probably gonna mess it up. Um, I don't, I don't even deserve to have come this far. People are gonna figure out that I don't know what I'm doing and that I'm a fraud. Now, now all those articles about imposter syndrome like 10 years ago, I think just everyone everyone's traumatized. I'm so proud of the the time that we get to be alive because we get to talk about it. You're about to like make leaps and bounds of progress, friend. Like, what a time to be alive. What the heck is going on? But also, thank God we can all talk to each other. I'm sitting in my office in like my workout gear, staring at a bunch of boxes that need to be returned to Amazon, and you and I are just spending time together talking about our shitty childhood so that we can heal. So sorry if you have kids listening. I will try not to cuss. I'm sorry. Um, so one other thing important to note is that most people do have both wounds to varying degrees and they compound around each other. For me, my mother wound is much, much deeper because my dad did tell me he was proud of me, but only ever if I was doing exactly what he wanted. Does that make sense? Like my dad was there. My dad did take me for bike rides. He also beat us up as kids, but my dad was the more emotionally available parent. Um, my mom was just constantly cold as ice, like chronic parallel play in our house. She never really even made eye contact. If she was talking to you, you were probably in trouble. Um, so you you can have both wounds and they can compete with each other. One's probably deeper than the other. The mother wound um makes you feel unworthy of love. The father wound makes you feel unworthy of success. And together, they create someone who shrinks in both relationships and career. And my God, this was me. Holy cow. So, given what you've shared in um past conversations with me, I'm starting to see, like, even in my DMs with you guys, the things that you tell me, like right off the bat, I'm like, I don't say this to you, but I'm like, oh, you got a mother wound, oh, you got a father wound, oh, this is both. And this is good information. This is not permanent. That's the good news. Um, I want to talk a little bit about maybe some addictions that come from each of these, and then we'll talk about how to heal them and how to know if it's working, okay? So, man, addiction is nothing to be ashamed of, okay? They do stem from shame. But I think it's it's good here for us to talk about any bad habits you have with people or with things or places or situations or substances. Let's get clear on where some of this is coming from so that we can take accountability, which is a word that our parents are allergic to, and um, own our past so that we can move forward. So, reading my notes here. Hold on. So, because the mother wound lives in shame and self-worth and am I lovable, the addictions that tend to grow from it tend to be soothing and numbing, and something that will fill our inner emptiness. So that's where our most of our substance addictions come from. So, alcohol and marijuana are the most common. Both are, you know, like the classic numbing and soothing agents. Food addiction and binge eating also can live here heavily because food is the first comfort that a mother provides, and sugar specifically is tied to early emotional deprivation. I was fascinated when I was looking into this. Um, so behavioral addictions with a mother wound are like the compulsive need to be needed to earn love through caretaking. This was the kind of wife and friend and coworker I was. I was like always doing everything for everyone. Like, I don't have worth unless I'm doing something helpful. Um, but approval seeking and people pleasing are the behavioral addictions rooted in the mother wound. Also, shopping and spending can be a way to fill the void. Um, social media validation seeking, constantly checking likes and responses. I know I've fallen into this trap. I I'll work really hard on a video and then it algorithm just didn't care for it, or it was a bad video, and I'm like, I'm terrible. Nobody, nobody loves me. And I have to pull myself out and be like, girl, you're fine. Go read all those nice DMs from all those amazing people. Um, relational addictions from the mother wound can be, you know, your typical toxic relationships and trauma bonding, staying in emotionally unavailable relationships because emotional unavailability was normal to you. So for me, when I attracted a man who would not open up, he was like this giant mystery, and I was so attracted to that. I really was trying to dig deep and find my mommy in him, but also my dad. I'll get to that in a second. Our partners that we marry before we have any knowledge of how we're wounded, like always map to our childhood wounds. So if you're divorced or if you're in a really bad relationship, just know that you're not alone. There are steps you can take there too. That's a different episode. But in my marriage, I know I was constantly asking myself, like, does he love me? Why isn't he paying attention to me? Why is nothing ever good enough? Why is he always like he was always nagging me? Like I could never, I couldn't even use the right knife in the kitchen for anything. Like I would use I use scissors to open an Amazon package and I use the wrong scissors. Like I would clean the house until two in the morning and then be like, isn't it nice? And do everyone's laundry and be like, look, I did your laundry, and he'd be like, I don't care. And it was just this constant addiction to like, why am I not good enough for you? Um, so I stayed for a really long time because it was my fix of like, oh, mommy didn't love me and he doesn't love me, so this is fun, until I woke up and was like, no. So I was addicted to the cycle of approval and withdrawal, and I don't do that anymore. Addictions that can stem from the father wound, um, because this wound lives in your inadequacy, your permission to play, take up space, am I capable? The addictions that grow from it tend to be about proving, escaping pressure, or chasing a feeling of power and worthiness. So in my research, it said um cocaine and stimulants, like ADHD medication. Of course, some people actually need that. You know what I mean, the people who abuse it. Cocaine and stimulants are classically tied to the father wound because they create an artificial feeling of confidence, capability, and power. Ooh. Alcohol here looks different than the mother wound version, though. It's less about soothing and more about liquid courage or escaping the pressure to perform. I need to be careful what I say here, but I I see so I have so much empathy for my ex-husband in like his wounds too. Like, I see some of this in him too, but I'm gonna shut up because I don't want to get sued. I wish him nothing but light and love. Um, steroids and performance-enhancing substances can also live in this wound. But like, hey, if you're like a professional bodybuilder, I'm not calling you out. You do your thing. You guys are so tan. Those bathing suits are so shiny. Um I'm whenever I see that, I'm like, I gotta go to one of these competitions one day. That is so bizarre and fascinating. And I'm like, these people are look like they're chiseled from marble. I get like a little bit of a tiny bicep, and I'm like, woo-hoo! Those people, I'm like, whoa, where was Daddy? Just kidding, it's impressive. Okay, back to what we were talking about. So behavioral addictions that stem from the father wound are workaholism. This was my whole identity for a while. Workaholism is one of the biggest father wound addictions because constantly achieving to finally feel like you're enough, but then the finish line never really arrives. I know I was like trying to, I sprinted up the corporate ladder and I worked myself into the ground. Like burnout was a badge of honor, burnout was my middle name, and I would get the promotion, I would get the bigger salary, and then it was like no moment of celebration. It was already like, I'm awful, I need to do better. You know? Um, gambling and risk-taking addictions are all about chasing the high of winning as well, and finally being the one who succeeded. Pornography addiction in men is often deeply tied to the father wound. It can happen in women too. It's a place where you feel powerful and in control with zero risk of inadequacy or rejection. Let's see what else we got here. And then I wrote down achievement addiction, which is, I think I just touched on it, but just this compulsive need to accomplish and get credentials and win. You know, your friend who's like, or maybe it's you, who like they get their associates, they get their bachelor's, they get their master's, they get their um doctorates, and then they get another degree. It's like, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, you're you're enough. Are you even gonna use those degrees? What are you doing? Uh some people, of course, like we need doctors to study those things, but I definitely have known people, I haven't done this, but I've known people who are like, I'm getting my MBA. I'm now getting my bachelor's in psychology online. And it's like, who are you doing this for? Why are you pushing yourself so hard? Relax. It's okay. You're you're okay. Um let's see what else. Um, okay, so so just the compulsive need to accomplish to wrap that up, that thought. And then relational addictions from the father wound are chasing unavailable or withholding partners and basically replaying a dynamic of reaching for a father who wouldn't engage. So, in women, especially, it's a pattern of becoming addicted to men who are emotionally distant but occasionally validating. We call that bread crumbing. My ex-husband would like ignore me for weeks. It was bizarre. I felt like a ghost in my own house. And then one day, every once in a while, he'd be like, he'd start talking to me, and I'd be like, Oh, hi. And it would be like, Oh, he's here. Oh, I did it. Like, I just had to wait. No, that's unhealthy. That's super toxic. I didn't know who to tell. You know, it was very confusing and scary, but it felt familiar. I didn't know this wasn't normal. Um, let's see. Why didn't I write down men? And women especially, a pattern of becoming addicted to men who are emotionally available. I don't know why I didn't write down the men. I'm sorry, guys. Well, I'll tell you. I think I'm gonna make an assumption here. I should check with Claude or something, but I wanna say let's here. Sorry, we're gonna play a game. I I'm gonna guess that the father wound in men with relationships manifests as like I don't know. Hold on. Hold on. Hold on, come here. Let's sing a song while I research this. You know what? Joe Rogan sometimes is like, let's ask the well, he has an assistant, so let me just do this fast. How does a father wound manifest for men in their relationships? Thinking about a father wound. So the father wound blah blah blah. I already know that. Oh, oh yeah, okay. So it says anger and control, like you will tend to pick a partner that's easy for you to pick on. And um, someone who's easy for you to dominate, and that you feel the need to dominate your partner, which often leads to a woman being in her masculine and you being in your feminine, because when a woman doesn't feel safe, everything's out of whack. The whole house, no matter if you have kids or not. Um it also says the compulsive need for approval. I do remember my ex-husband, he was really good with like welding and stuff, and he'd be like, come out and see what I built. And I'd be like, Oh, that's awesome. And he'd be like, whatever. I'd be like, What did I do wrong? Um, but oh, emotionally shutting down. God, I could never have, man, you should hear this. When a woman comes to you with a problem or a concern about the relationship, I promise you she's not fighting with you. Um, she's trying she's fighting for the relationship to win. And anytime I brought up financial concerns or like, hey, we're not really communicating, or like, hey, I miss you. I feel like we're not really talking to each other, he would shut down and leave the room. He could not handle um like naming or sharing his feelings back. And it created so much, so many issues and frustration in all the different types of intimacy that you could have in a marriage. Like we just felt like roommates. I couldn't have a conversation with the guy. And if you can't have a partner that you can talk to in good times and in bad, then what are we even doing here? So, okay. How's this feeling? Are you still here? You hanging in there? Are you starting to see a little bit more clearly? Um, that was that was a lot to take in. So all of this though, it really at its core, both of these wounds, whether you have one or the other or both, all of it is just an attempt to meet an unmet childhood need. So it's just that the delivery system is a little busted. And the way that we go about either people pleasing or dominating people or oversharing or being completely closed off, that's the busted delivery system. The substance or the behavior isn't the problem, it's the solution that became the problem. You know, like you we used that substance or toxic behavior to fill the void of something that was just like a deeper pain. And when we can trace which need went unmet and which wound it lives in, we can stop hating ourselves and putting off until tomorrow land, which never comes. I'll quit tomorrow. I'll I'll start grieving and and or not grieving, I'll start, you know, tomorrow's another day. I'll I'll be more disciplined. I'll be I'll stand up for myself next time. Like it's actually in the work of like understanding these wounds that we will stop the toxic behaviors. Isn't that kind of cool though? Like it's a roadmap. Um so let's talk about the more hopeful part. Let's talk about how to heal them. Okay. I know this episode's getting kind of long. I'll try to wrap it up. I love you guys so much. So, healing the mother wound because it lives in shame and self-worth and inner emptiness. Into the void, void, void. God, my mother was so cold. Her mother must have been so cold. I come from a long line of cold women. Healing it, this mother wound, is it fundamentally about re-mothering yourself. Now, what the heck does that mean? That means building an internal relationship with yourself that gives you what your mother couldn't. And that takes a lot of energy. But over time, this has had a huge, profound impact on my inner critic. So let me get a little bit more specific. I've got six steps here to name or to heal the mother wound. The first is to name and grieve what you didn't get, okay? Not necessarily what she did wrong, she did a lot wrong, but what you needed to receive. You needed safety, you needed understanding, you needed empathy, unconditional acceptance, you know? You have to grieve the mother you needed before you can stop looking for her everywhere else. So, ungrieved, this just keeps driving behavior unconsciously. So I think journaling, I'm gonna probably mention journaling a million times here. Journaling three pages a day. You don't even need a prompt, just talk about what's on your mind. We could talk about that in another episode. Um, the second step is to separate her voice from your voice. So the inner critic in a mother wound survivor is almost always internalized like an internalized version of your own mother. The voice that we're hearing in our head that's like, you're so stupid. You always do this. You can't find your keys again, you idiot. Oh my god, your house is so dirty, you're disgusting. Oh my gosh. That's not you, that's your mom. That's her bullshit and baggage, okay? Oh, I cussed again. Lock it up, Hoffman. Um, her that voice, when you hear it, I started catching it and I used to say out loud, stop talking to me like that. Because it felt like a voice that wasn't mine, it felt like an entity. And I would just ask myself, is this true? Can do I need to be held accountable to something, or is this hers? And I started to begin to realize a lot of it was her and it was never mine to carry at all. And over time, when I can't find my keys and I'm late, I'm like, oops, I love you. It's okay. This happened again. Let's let's slow down. I kind of talk to myself like I'm a little kid and I re-parent myself, I re-mother myself in the way that she could never. She was always yelling at us, like, get your jars out, get out that door. But she was the one making us late. So my nervous system is used to when I'm messing up. I'm like, I'm so stupid. I gotta go. And just over time, like, it's okay, sweet pea. Let's find our keys. When where was the last place we left them that we can even barely remember? We're already late, so let's just be late, you know. Sounds silly until you try it, and you get huge benefits from it. Um, it also says here, inner child work, which is kind of what I just said. This is this really is the most direct route. So going back to any specific memories where shame was installed. I talk about this in my book where there was a tornado and nobody was home, and a window in my room blew in, and I was hysterically crying. I was in uh fifth grade. Nobody was home. I was a latchkey kid, and she came home and yelled at me. She thought I pulled my window off the wall. And with my therapist, I went back and we, with my eyes closed, we revisited that memory and adult me stepped in and like read her her rights, ripped her a new booty hole. How dare you yell at this child that you left alone during a very dangerous storm and you're not checking on her? That stuff's very powerful. So you can do this at home. You just close your eyes and you think about some really powerful, or not powerful, really awful memory you might have with your mom from being a kid and let it play out again. But this time, adult you comes in and something different happens. It's really powerful stuff. Um, the fourth tip in healing the mother wound is to build a better relationship with your body. I'm still working on this one, but the mother wound manifests as disconnection to how we feel. So, somatic exercises. You saw my breath work video online. Um, that went kind of viral in a way I was not expecting. That's a great thing to try. Yoga, dance. Yes, men, you can dance. It's okay to shake your hips, it would probably be really good for you. You can get a massage. Anything that makes you feel safe inside your own body is re-mothering work, essentially. And then the fifth tip is to practice receiving without earning it. The mother wound programs you to believe that love must be earned through performance or compliance. Um, so deliberately letting people love you and help you and see you like doing it as you deserve this. Oh, this was weird for me. For me, this manifested as when someone would say, Oh, you look really nice today, I would say, thank you, instead of, oh no, my hair's so dirty. It's because my hair's dirty and I got dry shampoo in. Or when someone says, Oh, I like your bag, your purse, like, oh, I got it half off. Like, just say thank you for the compliment. I have a neighbor, because I'm a single mom. One day my fence blew over and I was out there fixing it and he pulled over. The man's a saint. He's Gen X. He's done psychedelics, so he's cool. He's healed. And he was like, Do you need help? And I was like, No. And then he kind of just stood there and I was like, actually, yeah. And he was like, I'll be right over. And now we're like friends. He's great. So accepting help and letting people compliment you. And then lastly, to heal your mother wound, curate some of your own maternal energy. Yes, men, this is for you too. This is especially important for you. Find a mentor. Okay, I know that sounds so lame and cheesy, but they exist. Even if it's a social media mentor like Josh Connolly and some of these other guys that are breaking down the manosphere, this weird alpha male domination mindset. Um, there are men out there talking about how to be a good man. You can find a mentor parasocially online if you can't find a good one in life, but find a man who you admire, who you feel like is better at certain things than you, but wouldn't shame you for it, and would be like someone to teach you. Josh Connolly is his name, by the way. Sound it out and type it in your search bar. He talks about toxic family stuff too. Um, but for women, find an older woman. I found one at a witchy shop one day when I was shopping for crystals, trying to find myself, and like she and I met for coffee and she's lovely. She and I meet like once a quarter. And I don't even know much about her. She like listens to me. I try to ask her questions and she always directs the conversation back to me because I think she knows I need I need help, I need support, and she's wise and she's so kind and she's always available. Um, but your nervous system doesn't really care where it comes from. Um, it doesn't have to be your biological mother, but there are ways for you to find community, find a mentor, find an older woman, an older man who can be an example for you, whether you meet them in real life or they're an example you find online. Your body just needs to receive maternal energy. Yes, I was mentioning a man and maternal energy, but like the psychological safety of like being emotionally intelligent is that maternal energy in men, if that makes sense. Okay. So, how do we heal the father wound? So, because this wound lives in inadequacy and permission, and I'm not capable, healing it is fundamentally about giving yourself permission that your father didn't give you. So the first step here is like name the specific permission you were never given. Let's get really specific. What do you need to be doing to succeed? What, what, how can you take up space? How can you be more visible? How can you lead? How can you disagree and be firm in it and be confident in it? How can you be proud of yourself? Most father wound survivors are waiting for someone externally to say, yeah, you're allowed, but really that begins with you when no one's around you. How can you do some of this for yourself? How can you feel safe and comfortable and like just maybe even and maybe it would be good for you to like, I'm not a man, so I'm like trying to imagine what men would do. I'm doing my best, but journaling about the kind of man you want to become and the kind of man who for men, sorry guys, I'm not a man. I'm just gonna be more general, but like women can this is for women too, so like I'll just tell you what I've done, but men, you could do this too. I wrote down what kind of leader I wanted to be, and I wrote down my mission statement and my vision statement and my personal values, and I use those as a guiding North Star for my life, and they've really transformed my life. You can use Claude or Chat GPT, um, but like being the leader for yourself that you didn't get in your dad, man or woman, to find your values, you can talk about the things that made you angry all throughout your life, and there's some patterns, and you plug that into Claude or Chat GPT and you say, What could my personal values be based on this rant? I just went on telling you everything that makes me mad. That's how I found my values. And my personal mission is to help the world heal of its trauma. And I think I'm I'm doing that, I'm starting to. So, like, I didn't get leadership from my dad in the way I needed, but I'm now able to lead myself. Does that make sense? I'm so in my masculine, it's gonna take a very good man to pull me out one day. I I have hope that he exists. Um that first tip was to name the specific permission that you were never given and like get clear on what it would look like for you to have it, or take some steps to give it to yourself. The second step to feel uh second tip to heal your father wound is to grieve the father you needed. Kind of like similar to the mother wound, um, but a little bit different. Like it's okay that you didn't have someone that reflected your potential back to you or who protected to you, protected you. It's not okay, but what's okay is like you can have that happen to you and you can still become an incredible person when you can grieve that it it just didn't happen. And sometimes I write letters to childhood me and I'm like, hey girl, you deserved a dad who wasn't scary. Um, you grow up to be very strong, you go to the gym and you have big muscles, like it's all good. Um, men are not supposed to hit little girls. Um men are also not supposed to yell at children. That was very scary for you. You grow up to be a very gentle mom who would never scream at her children. Um, but to that was my version of grieving the dad I didn't get was to write back to little me and tell her what kind of mom I became in spite of it. Um the third tip here is to challenge your imposter narrative, like your imposter syndrome, challenge it directly. Uh the the father wound lives in the head more than the body. So keeping maybe an evidence log of literally writing down proof of your your impact helps interrupt the oh my god, people are gonna know, I don't know what I'm doing loop. And um, that wound tends to filter out positive evidence that you are successful. And let's redefine what success is. So, like, these are on days where I have done so much, but I feel like I still haven't done enough. And I'll just be like, okay, let's let's just make a verbal list. Okay, we paid our taxes, we went to the post office, we went to the grocery store, we cleaned, we mowed the lawn, we we responded to 20 emails, we made a video and posted it online and responded to comments like, ma'am, you think that's not enough? Sometimes you just need to say, I got up and got out of bed today and functioned. That's that's plenty. Um, next up to heal the father wound is to find healthy masculine mirroring. So some of this is getting repetitive, but go find people you want to be like. You will become the average of the six people you surround yourself with. So that's why I have nobody around right now, because I would rather be alone um than to be around people that are not good for me to rub off on me. I mentioned I have that woman, but like I only see her once a quarter. She's not like someone I'm talking to regularly. Right now, it really is me versus me. So, like, just get away from people who aren't good for you in whatever way that looks like for you. Um, but people who are a little further than you in where you want to go, that will rub off on you. I've seen that happen. I have hung around good people for certain times of life and like they really leveled me up. It happened to me with my fitness. Just being around more elite athletes than I was and asking people questions and asking for help made me more fit. Um, the fifth tip is to finish things. So self-sabotage right before success is the father wounds like pull out the rug from under you, gotcha, most damaging trick. So simply completing things and following through. I love to get to the edge of something and stop. And I know I'm doing it sometimes, and I'm like, what's going on? And it's like, well, I need to go clean. I need to go, well, maybe it's not gonna work out, so I'm just gonna be a self-fulfilling prophecy. But every time you finish, you survive that limiting belief and you start to pour water all over it and like permanently extinguish it. You can build new evidence that you're allowed to succeed and you're able to succeed. And the last tip to heal your father wound on this long podcast episode, I hope you're still with me, um, is to do the scary visible thing. So your father wound hides you. It tells you to stay small, don't be seen, don't risk failure. So deliberately doing visible things like posting, speaking, leading, publishing, even if it's imperfectly, that's the antidote. And it's not for the outcome, it's for the proof that visibility doesn't destroy you. Oh man. When I first started putting on wigs and reenacting family scenarios, or if you really scroll back, some of my first talking head videos, I had to use a teleprompter to get my notes like organized because I was shaking just to record myself talking about some of the things that happened to me. And now it's super easy. But that was me pushing myself back then to be like, no, I deserve to tell my story. And also, you did something to me, and I could alchemize it and help heal people. You don't have to talk about trauma, you can talk about whatever you want. But I dare you to make a video and post it online. And if it gets no views or likes, that's just because nobody saw it. It's okay, like nobody's judging you. It's such a cool exercise to even get one like though. And I TikTok is so loving, and there's so many people on there. If you made one TikTok video about absolutely anything and just posted it, if you were just like, hey, I'm just trying to heal my visibility wound, so like, hi, I'm so-and-so. I hope you have a great day. And you never have to post a video again. But I guarantee you someone will see it, someone will like it, and it feels awesome. It it's like one step in the direction of like, you're totally worthy, you're totally allowed. If I can get on these platforms and put on wigs, you can get on any platform just for the sake of proving yourself that you could do it. I'm not pushing you to go do it. I'm just saying it could be a fun, creative way for you to kind of push past this. So, to wrap all this up, here are some markers that like here's some signs that your healing working, your healing work is working. My brain was like struggling with those two words so close together in my head. Um, so for the mother wound, you need to stop needing external validation to feel okay. Your inner voice is going to become kinder. You can receive love without immediately questioning whether you deserve it. I gotta tell you, I've experienced some of this. Feels incredible. I no longer yell at myself when I do something wrong, when someone's kind to me and tells me I look nice, I believe them, and it's pretty great. Some signs that you're healing your father wound is you stop waiting for permission. You finish things, you let yourself be seen without the crushing anticipation of being found out as like some loser or some imposter. You can just be a little bit more confident in more visible situations and not even really worry about the outcome because you love yourself. And even if someone had something negative to say, you posted a video online, you started not a blog, what's it called? There's that other website that people post to Substack, you started a Substack. Like, first of all, get rid of those friends. Those friends suck. That is your if it's your family, those people are trying to hold you back because you're a mirror to their untapped potential. But do something because you're passionate about it and like don't even care if nobody sees it. Like, just do it because you love it, because you deserve to do it. And like me, I was never intending to become this. I posted those videos because I was trying to grieve. I was trying to heal. And I thought, you know, I know I'm not the only one who's been through this. I'm just gonna post these videos. You never know where that stuff's gonna lead you. It led me here talking to you. I talk to you guys all the time now, and I'm like blown away. Uh and I'm so thankful that I I tested just some random videos, and you just you never know who's gonna see you, you never know where it's gonna lead. And I promise you it's worth it. Um, so that's the mother wound and the father wound. But when you take the time to heal them, they both point kind of toward the same destination. So that's kind of just a person who knows their worth and acts from it very freely. That's the work. And the fact that you can get clear on what your wounds are and get clear on what it would look like to make progress on them, and get clear on what in your life is. Clearly stemming from it, like that's huge progress. This is work that some people will never do. That's why you're often misunderstood by so many people. That's why some people are like, you're difficult, you've changed. Yeah, because you're doing the work. 95% of people on this planet are not willing to look internally or self-reflect or take accountability even for things that happened to them, like us. We can take accountability for our addictions and our toxic patterns. And in spite of the fact that they stem from our childhood where the adults were not equipped, they were very dysregulated, and they were very unhealed humans who for some reason decided to procreate, but thank God, because the world is so much better with you in it. And I'm just so glad we could talk about all this on online and on this show. And if you have any other questions, let me know. If you feel like I'm talking too fast, too, will you please send me a message? And if you made it through the whole episode, will you send me a message? That was my first time reading from notes. Normally I free ball it, and I don't even know if I really liked having my notes there because I feel like it kind of if it was like hard to follow me, will you please give me that tough feedback because I know you love me and I love you, and I want to bring you the best show possible that's not like hard to follow. But I don't think I I didn't know enough to just riff super hard. I riffed a little bit, but my God, it is so clear to me now that my very unhealed cold mother and her issues were her mother's issues handed down to her, were her mother's issues handed down to her. Same with my dad. I see that they handed it to me, and as a child, I took it because I didn't know that I wasn't supposed to take it. You're just a kid. But how cool is it to realize that what happens to you doesn't define you, it actually super sharpens you. This pain is the greatest teacher. I promise you, if you can sit with some of these limiting beliefs, if you can be with yourself when that inner critic creeps in or shame creeps in, or wanting to drink when you're nervous in a social setting, when you can say no to your inner child, I love you too much to numb you because you're great. So we're gonna like hang out with these people and just be ourselves. And if they don't like us, I like you. And we're gonna go home and and whatever. I don't care what these people think. That's healing. And it takes time. So you know, definitely don't wake up tomorrow like, I get it, I'm healed. This has been many, many years of trial and error from me. I have good seasons, I have bad seasons. Sometimes I slip up, but um, through doing this work, I'm I'm not saying this next part at all because I think I'm better than absolutely anyone. Our only competition is ourselves, but I am so proud that I was able to stop drinking. I was able to stop dating broken men after my divorce. I wasn't dating that much, but the few that I tried, I was recreating my marriage and I caught it. I'm so proud of that. I don't rush around, like I'm not late for everything anymore. I'm not disorganized. I've I've taken the time to kind of heal my nervous system and I've made a ton of progress. And but I can record videos of myself and post them. That's if you would have told me three years ago, hey girl, you're gonna be talking about mom and dad on TikTok and Instagram, and you're gonna build a following, I'd be like, you're insane. And for you, it's gonna look like different stuff. I just wish you so much grace. Be gentle with yourself. It's a lot to unpack. It's like learning you inherited a whole storage facility, a BS. Some people don't even open the door. You're gonna open the door, take the key, and be like, what is in here? What are we working with? Let's go through this little by little. And it's like one bite a day, one step a day. Just keep your journals too. I love going back to my old journals when I first got divorced, and like she was she was excited, but she was scared. And I just love reading where I was at back then, and I'm I'm I can see the progress. So when you're journaling, I used to not journal because I'd be like, I'd be like, what am I supposed to write? But a good friend of mine said, just journal three pages, talk about whatever you want, and that's the best instructions I can give you. Sometimes I talk to little kid me, sometimes I talk to I pretend I'm future me. I say, like, oh my God, you're never gonna believe it. Like the kids love our new partner, we're going on vacation. Um, everyone's like securely attached emotionally. You you get to give speeches now, you wrote another book, people love your book. Um, and you gave a TED talk. Like, I I write that stuff to myself. Um, I always wanted a Jeep. I say, like, we drove your Jeep to go kayaking. Sometimes that's what I do. Otherwise, some days I'm like, hey, like, I'm just struggling today and I'm I don't know why. And that's literally what I write. And I'm like, through writing three pages, I can usually see it's a limiting belief. And at the end of it, I'm like, I see why I'm stuck. I have too much on my to-do list, I need to go take care of. I'm working on the wrong things. So take journaling as seriously as a potato. Just write, start writing, and you would be shocked at your own epiphanies that you can generate all by yourself without having to pay for um someone else's like bundle of journal prompts or like pay a therapist to give you exercises. Like, you can totally do this work yourself. Okay. And now I'm rambling, and I'm gonna go to the gym and try not to tell myself that this episode sucked. Which let's get clear on this. What what wound is that? That would be if I'm worried that you didn't like this, that's my mother wound. If I'm worried that like this episode was too much, too rambly, I'm gonna tell myself I'm so proud of myself. And I mean, I'm running a podcast, so good for me. And good for you for listening. Good for us. Good for us. Okay. Um, I super love you guys. I'll talk to you soon. Make sure if you have a second, if you haven't reviewed the show, can you leave me some reviews? Like give me a star rating so I know how I'm doing, and uh send me a message online. And I super duper love you, and I'll talk to you soon. Bye.