#10 - Cycle Breaker Parenting: How to stop losing it at your kids

Hey! Breaking cycles while raising the next generation ain't for the faint of heart! 

Here's the two books I mentioned: 

1. How to talk so kids will Listen 
2. Parenting from the inside out 

Love you, Bye! 

Transcript

SPEAKER_00 0:00

Oh hey, how are you? I'm fine. Thanks for asking. Um Don't you hate the surface level conversation we have to have with strangers just because we simply walked past them? That's so bizarre. How you doing? I don't know, my life's falling apart. So's mine. Okay, see you never. We are supposed to be in villages, like taking care of each other, and we're supposed to have a sense of community. We're not supposed to be in these houses with these mortgages, so siloed, so at war with our neighbors, or not even knowing our neighbors, and so divided. You're not supposed to be living right next door to an enemy because of politics. Like, we're not supposed to be so neurotic and like doing it all ourselves. Anyway, today's Father's Day, and I forgot because I'm an estranged daughter and an ex-wife. So Father's Day's never really been a day that has felt right. Or it's felt like very fake celebrating to to keep something that's very broken and very fragile barely together. So I thought this would be a good chance to give you the episode on the way that I parent, not especially now that I'm divorced, now that I don't talk to my my parents anymore. Um, and it's it's not with the vein of I have it all figured out. It's it's I feel like I'm old enough now with a 10 and 7 year old. I'm 37 years old. I still have a lot to learn. I haven't gone through all the stages with my kids, but I have a very good relationship with my kids. And it it was very humbling to get here, and I have a lot of lessons learned. So I feel like I have enough experience to offer some helpful tips and tricks that you might consider. And even if you haven't had kids, I think it would be really healing for you to listen to how the other generations are parenting their kids, whether you want kids or not. Um the world is shifting, and I'm really proud. The boomer generation needs to be phased out, okay? But not all boomers are bad. There are some incredible boomers who have done the work, and they are outliers, and we should really admire them because their peers were a disaster. So that had to be hard. A lot of millennials can at least rely on each other and have these conversations online and Gen X and Gen Z. But um, good lord. The the world is headed toward what we call gentle parenting. Boomers laugh at, but it's like really they're just jealous that we we don't have to hit or scream at our children to get them to listen. Um so without further ado, here are some of my top tips and books as I digress. Um two books that super shaped how I parent are How to Talk So Kids Will Listen, as well as Parenting from the Inside Out. That last book, Parenting from the Inside Out, is a doozy, but it's that's why they call it doing the work, because it's hard, but it's worth it. And it will it shows you how the things that happened to you as a kid shaped how you show up for your kids as an adult, and how you can heal certain aspects of love that you didn't get so that you can still give it to your kids, because that's what cycle breakers do. A lot of this we do um on our own without having to be forced to, but like if you're having some blind spots, this this book helps you figure out what those blind spots are and and do better. Because what's funny is like I feel like the boomers were supposed to be the cycle breakers. Not all boomers are bad. I know some boomers have super done the work. But the boomers were given, like, I get that their parents went to war and they weren't loved properly, whatever. I get it. But they had a great economy. They could buy a house, they could have multiple cars. The mom often didn't need to work, although sometimes that was financial abuse. But you know what, you know what I mean? Millennials and Gen X, Gen Z, we inherited a very busted housing market, a very busted job market, and we are still parenting wildly different. And so it's like weird to me that they didn't do better. So we don't always know our shortcomings, but we know our intuition will tell us, like, oh, I handled that poorly with my kid, I can do better. And that shame that we feel of like, God, I said I wouldn't be like my mom or like my dad. And then we have moments where the imperfect Italian comes out that's like in our blood, that rage, or or like you just lose your you lose your temper. Because I just want to remind everyone, we are supposed to be in communities. You're not meant to do it all. It is very hard to be the cooker, the cleaner, the wife or the husband, the mom, the sister, the friend, the make sure the house is clean, the laundry's done, the bills are paid, try to have a hobby, try to have solid friendships, try to work on your mental health, go on vacation, meditate, eat well, like pick two. You can either have a clean house or you could have a good relationship with your kids. I don't know. It's it's tough. Um, I know I used to race around the house to clean up before my mom came over because I didn't want her to judge that my house was being lived in, essentially, like with young toddlers. That's that's inappropriate. You shouldn't have to be rushing around so that so that your family isn't like, oh, your house isn't clean. Well, pick up a broom and help. Lori, Pete, stop judging and and help. We need community. These the unhealed boomers are just jeezy peasy. It's gonna be some very quiet funerals, if any. Anyway, here's some stuff that I'm doing different. Um, first of all, I got divorced. Uh I could not parent the way I wanted to because when the nervous system revolves around the dad and their bad moods or them being in their head all the time, they're at war with themselves, they're triggered by every little cup that falls over. That had me in my head, and that had me very anxious and hyper-vigilant, and trying to um anticipate his needs, which meant my needs never got prioritized because after him came the kids, and I just came last. And you guys saw those pictures of me. Um I could not have conversations with this person. Like I couldn't parent with someone who anytime we had a disagreement about anything, he would leave the room. And I didn't want my kids to grow up thinking that was normal. I didn't want my kids to what grow up watching me be passed by and just getting older and not appreciated and not cherished because my son is learning how to treat women and my daughter's learning what to tolerate. So got divorced. Not saying it's easy, like just because it's simple doesn't mean it's easy. That that can be a whole other many episodes. Um, but once I was a single mom with no village, because then my parents couldn't behave. That's okay. I s I had the room to finally try things and authentically lovingly parent, which helped me reparent myself and gave me an even better relationship with myself over time by getting to love these children, even though I didn't have the love that I needed. I was able to do what my parents like do the opposite. So, like, just because your parents didn't love you properly doesn't mean you don't have a perfect template of what not to do, you know? So um, some of the things that I do now that there's no one to critique me or laugh at me or say that I'm gentle parenting and it's ruining my kids, like BS. My kids and I have a great relationship. First of all, I don't deny their reality. So when they say I'm scared, I'm tired, I'm hungry, I'm angry, I don't say get over it, I don't say like do it anyway. I talk to them about what they're feeling. And I know, again, the unhealed boomers think that we're ruining our children and that we're too easy on them, but we need to help children learn how to talk through their emotions because in the moment they need us, they're overwhelmed, and we are like mentors and guides to help them learn how the world works and learn that they can trust themselves to manage their emotions and work through it. So when my son is scared at night to go back in the kitchen and go get his cup of water, I don't say like go get it anyway. I I go with him, and over time he's gonna be scared, not scared of the dark. But right now he needs his mom. It's okay. Um when my one of my kids is angry, saying that something is too hard. I'm like, got it. Like, of I I under I can see that you're angry. I I I get it. I see that. Um what which part of this is making you angry? Like, I ask them questions and and help guide them through. I don't solve it for them, and I don't I don't say like, oh, it's not that big of a deal. The anger is like, oh, I can't do it right, or I can't, I can't figure this out, or this is too hard, whatever. And then I say, I I know how it feels to try and do something that feels like it's impossible, or I know you like to get things right the first time. I know what that feels like too. I I sometimes do the same thing. I I talk to them, I talk them through it, but I don't like shove it away like I don't have time for this. And I think our parents didn't know how to do that. But the I would say the number one reason I'm I've I'm no contact with my family is because they denied my reality for years. Um as a kid for me, that looked like our family teased a lot all the time. That was our love language. Like everyone teased and made fun of each other. But if you started crying because it hurt, people are pointing out real flaws that you have, then you were called too sensitive. So I was often teased mercilessly as the youngest and only daughter, and then when I would get upset, I would be told, like, oh god, stop crying, like, oh, I was just kidding. And that's that whole Darvo thing I've been trying to teach you guys. Like, that's in a very confusing, upsetting way to treat a child. And I I often tell my kids, like, we make fun of life, we don't make fun of each other because we're on the same team. So the teasing, we do not tease in my family. I never make fun of my kids. I don't think that's funny. I don't think it's a way to bond. Um, but that is something that's handed down from our parents. Um I tell them why they need to do something, not to just do it. So a perfect example is hey, it's time to go brush your teeth. You need to go brush your teeth. Most kids resist that because it's boring and they don't want to do it. So instead of getting angry and being like, you have to brush your teeth. I already asked you six times. I will tell my kids why. Hey, I need you to brush your teeth because I don't want you to get cavities. And do you know what happens when you get a cavity? They have to put a shot in your mouth, I'm gonna hold your hand, you're probably gonna cry, it hurts, it doesn't feel good because they need to numb your mouth so they can drill a hole in your tooth. I mean, I don't even have to keep talking, and my kids are like, okay, I'll go brush my teeth. Um, telling kids why instead of to just go do this, um helps them to actually want to listen to you. Nobody likes to be told what to do. And kids are so being a kid, you remember it's so boring. The adults don't have it together, and you're like, I don't respect you, I don't want to listen to you. Tell them why. And then they'll at least feel compelled to like understand what the consequence is for them if they don't do it. And the consequence isn't hitting or losing your device. It's often even like even if you need to take away a device. Hey, devices are over, we set the timer. Um, I'm doing this to turn you into a great adult who can like manage like my kids and I even talk about addiction. I said we we don't want to become addicted to things. We can be addicted to food, we can be addicted to devices. I tell them why iPad time is over. It's time to go outside and take a break so that we don't grow up to be adults who can't take breaks. You know? Um, I also stopped doing everything for them. This was maybe a little bit of the patriarchy and watching my mom do absolutely everything for all of us. Like I could I would be wrong entirely if I didn't say that woman totally cleaned our house, she cooked every meal, but it I then learned not how to not cook. Um, I didn't I didn't like have certain skills because she did everything for us because it was like faster for her, but she resented it. So I don't tie my kids' shoes. Sometimes when you're rushing, it's like easier to just like do stuff with the for your kids, but like leaving in enough time and letting them take their time to put their shoes on and like not fixing it for them, not rescuing them all the time. I also was like getting my kids food for them all the time because I actually do love caretaking and I miss them because of the divorce. So when they were with me, I'd like make them food and bring it over to them, and I had to learn that this was kind of causing them to atrophy how to take care of themselves and certain skills they need to learn in order to become a fully functioning adult who's not like messy or incapable of making food for themselves. So I put all of our dishes really low where they can reach things. So we went through a phase where they had to unlearn that my behavior of over giving in this way, and they would say, Hey mom, can I have a glass of milk? And I'd be like, Totally. And they'd look at me and I'd be like, What? And they'd be like, go get it. And I'd be like, yo dog, your dishes are in that lower cupboard. You have to put it somewhere where they can reach it. A lot of times kids can't reach cups, and we don't think about that, or plates. Put their put their cups down low and say, Go get yourself a glass of milk. I trust you not to spill. I also don't freak out when they spill. I like really took my time to teach them how to hold a milk jug and help them until they were strong enough. But like sometimes my son would spill or the whole cup would fall over, and I'd be like, Oops. But he needed to learn. It's not like go ahead and do that as many times as you want. I don't care. No, no, no. He needed to see me not lose my shit to learn that it's okay to make mistakes, but like then I would explain to him, but milk is very expensive, so let's go slower this time. Let's clean this up together. Like, here's a towel, you clean this up, I'm gonna hold the cup this time. Because I grew up in a house where I would have gotten in trouble and I was married to someone who would have lost their shit if the milk got spilled over, but kids need to learn to be patient with themselves and that you're a safe person to be patient as they learn how to do things. Milk is heavy, you know? Um, so put your kids' dishes where they can reach it and then go get their own food. Make sure food is where they can reach it and just hold them accountable to putting their plates away. Like, if they're if they leave plates and dishes out, we have certain rules. Um, then they they lose certain privileges, but I don't yell at them for it. I just say like, oops, like at the end of the day, like we left this, this, this, and this out. Um, so that means tomorrow we we can't watch TV until well afternoon. We're not gonna have like morning TV shows, okay? And they're like, ah, okay. But they knew the rule. So like I set rules, you gotta figure out what your rules are and just stick to them because kids actually really love structure. They the world is already confusing enough. Um oh boy, I'm getting congested. Sorry. Allergy season never goes away in in Austin, and I'm like allergic to life, so um, yeah, kids love structure, and they're watching, they're wanting for you to hold them accountable, but to not do it in a scary way. You can still teach kids how to be good teenagers and young adults and grown-ups without bullying or intimidating them. And oftentimes when I'm losing my shit, I'm trying to realize, I'm trying to think, because I'm not, I it still happens every once in a while. I'll be like, guys! And that's the Italian in me that comes out, and then I realize what I've done, and the look in their eyes is like, uh-oh, mom went too far. And I say, I'm sorry, I'm upset right now, and I quickly assess like, are they not following a rule? Or do I need to put a new rule in place because what's upsetting me? Do they actually know how to do what I need them to do? Have I shown it to them? Have I explained it to them? Have I made it clear? Like a good leader, which is what you are, sets clear rules and sticks to them. Kids can't read our mind, and it stinks to be like startled, to be in trouble when you didn't know it was a problem. But if it's happened, it's okay. Like, I I feel like kids need you to be balanced and fair like 40% of the time. Truly. If you can do that, you're doing much better than most parents. But I I do have moments where I still lose it, but I apologize if I had a tone, but then I explain to them, I'm upset because that, and then I explain why. And they're like, okay, we're sorry, mom. And it like we move on. It's rare, but it still happens. Um, I like to catch them doing things right. So, like to my daughter, like, oh my god, that was so kind of you to help your brother put that together. He he seemed frustrated, and that was really nice of you. I tell her all the time, I would have given anything for a sister like you. I think you're really patient and kind. I tell my son all the time, he loves to compliment my daughter. He like, it's really sweet. He uh, because he's watched me compliment her. Like, I had a mom who never made compliments in my appearance until I was actually pretty. So kids need their confidence built up at all stages. I'll tell my daughter, like, your hair's so curly and beautiful. Your freckles look like the universe. I do it for my son too. I tell him, like, he has the most beautiful gold brown, light brown eyes, and like he's I just I compliment them. Whatever. You get what I'm saying. My son will say sweet things to my daughter and be like, Charlotte, your hair looks extra golden today, or Charlotte, you did a really nice job on your braid today. And my heart melts, and then I tell him, like, oh Ben, that's so kind. Like, and I listen, this might seem like baby stuff or kind of weird, but like, kids thrive in positive environments where they get positive reinforcement. And think about yourself. Have you ever had a good manager who catches you doing something right or gives you the props you deserve when you worked really hard on something or did something really well? You want to go to the ends of the earth for that manager because that's pretty rare. So catch your kids doing good behavior as well as when they need to be corrected calmly for poor behavior. I also set aside golden time for each kid, which means for 20 minutes on most days, but like I'm a single mom, so this is a very big focus for me. You don't gotta do this perfect. But I will tell each kid, like, okay, it's your golden time. That means 20 minutes, where the other kid knows they can't interrupt unless they're bleeding or dying. And the other kid and I will either go for a quick walk or go play something or go sit and talk. As my daughter's gotten older, she just wants to hang out in her room and talk about life. My son loves to play basketball. We go like play a game outside, and it gives me 20 minutes to be in their world. You can even do it for 10 minutes just to show them that I was there, I was present. It gives them a chance to ask me any questions or for me to pick up on anything that could be wrong, and just a bonding moment where the other sibling is not dominating the conversation or I'm not half paying attention. Um, that has totally killed my mom guilt when I'm like exhausted. I'm so congested. I hope you guys are still listening. I can't help it. Um, I also learned in that book, How to Talk So Kids Will Listen. I learned to ask my kids open-ended questions and then shut up. Stop talking, just let them go. So instead of how is school? It's it's like, oh, so what was something like weird or exciting or boring that happened at school today? And then stop. They'll start talking, and then you don't dogpile the conversation. You just go, whatever the last thing they said, you just repeat that to get them to keep talking. So if they were to say, oh my gosh, uh somebody knocked over a whole table of paint today in art class, you don't go, oh my gosh, that happened to me when I was a kid, or like, oh wow, that must have been pretty crazy. You just say, someone knocked over a whole table of paint, you kind of repeat it like a parrot. Don't don't do it to everything they say, because they'll be like, what are you doing? But this is a way of allowing them to be the main character of the conversation, which is the goal, to get them to keep opening up and it will lead you really interesting places, like, oh yeah. And then, but the teacher was really mad about it, and like that that made me feel like we were all in trouble. Like, oh, you felt like you were all in trouble? Yeah, um, I don't like when that teacher gets like really upset. Like, that gives me good intel, and let my kid have a place to kind of tell me something that they probably needed to process. And if I had just let them come home and go straight to video games and and not talking to them, that like memory would be stuck in their head, like kind of unprocessed, and then they learn that like that's a good thing that adults do that, whatever. You get what I mean. Hopefully. Um, I let them hold me accountable, and I apologize when I didn't do what I said I was gonna do. So kids are very observant, and especially like in my situation, I'll say one thing and do another, not because I mean to, but I'm I'm I got no help, and that's okay. I'm proud of that. But they'll be like, hey mom, you said we would do da da da da and we didn't do it, and I don't say like, oh, we Just didn't have time. I just go, you know what? You're right. And either we'll so let's go do it, or I'll say, I did say that, and tonight we're not gonna do it. But you know what? I shouldn't have said we would. I didn't I didn't mean for us to run out of time, but we ran out of time. So I'll be more careful about what I say. Like, I I have no problem apologizing to my kids because I do make a lot of mistakes and I misspeak. And they need to know that it's okay to tell people, hey, you didn't do what you said you were gonna do. And that's not giving over my power. That's teaching my kids to communicate properly because then I hold them accountable too. Hey, when we set a timer for you to get off your device, we had a deal that you weren't gonna lose it, and you just got very upset. I'm not mad at you, I still love you, but because you like threw your iPad, um, now I need to take it away for a day. You know, like that's the accountability goes both ways, but respect is earned. And I want my kids to not be scared of challenging authority when they get older because that's how I grew up, and that's what got me into toxic workplaces and dating people I shouldn't have and marrying them. Um this is important if your kids are younger and shorter, tinier. I'm six foot three, six foot seven when I'm like dressed up going somewhere. So when my kids are talking to me or if they're upset about something, I will kneel down and kind of get on their level because it's really hard to talk to an adult who's so much taller than you. And sometimes it's nice, especially if they're sharing something vulnerable or they're scared or they're injured and they're upset, to get down on their level and just show them that you can come down and like that eye contact takes away any intimidation or like sometimes I literally can't hear my kids, so I'll just give them the respect of like I'll come, I'll crouch down and get on your level. But I know I used to get made fun of for that by certain people in certain families where it's like, oh, she's so soft on them, she like babies them. Like, no, I see them, I care about how they're experiencing me. Um I also let them choose when our hug is over. When I hug my kids, whether it's at school or if they just sometimes they just need a hug and still crawl on my lap, which I love. But when we are hugging, I never let go first. I let them choose when we're done. Sometimes it's a quick hug. Sometimes I'm glad I did that because it was switch day because we're divorced, and a hug turned into a pile of tears. It's it's tough. And I'm glad I held on to those hugs because it wasn't a quick goodbye. It was a this is hard. I don't understand what's going on, and me realizing I've still made the right choice, but that these kids are innocent bystanders to my unhealed wounds and who I chose to have kids with. It's it's good to know that they still feel safe with me and that I can still stay there for the hug and let the tears come out to to be there in a way that I never got. But I'm also recognizing I'm I'm putting my kids through trauma just by getting divorced. Like I don't know what's worse. Well, I do know what's worse. I definitely know what's worse. What's worse is watching a mom stay in a marriage and lose herself like I did. But it's also hard to put your kids through divorce because it's the right thing to do for the long-term plan of everyone's possible success and mental health, you know. Oh, that was heavy. Okay. Um, I also have some, let's see. I have some phrases that I say to them that are kind of like mantras or like family sayings that I couldn't remember all of them, but I'll just rattle off a few. Uh, this helps me in the moment because I don't have a second adult here. So these are like family values, you could say. Uh we have nobody can tell you that your feelings are wrong, which teaches my kids about Darvo. Um basically, if especially when my two kids are like misunderstanding each other, saying I've I've taught them to say, like, hey, I feel blank when you blank, which is a much better way of explaining your hurt, and the other person's not allowed to say anything Darvo related, like, that's not what I meant, or that's not what happened. I've taught them to listen and be curious, because if someone's feeling something, we're not in their body to know if that's true or not, and we have no business telling anyone that that's not true. Um, so nobody can tell you that your feelings are wrong. We say leadership is kind, which doesn't mean leadership is friendly or leadership is a pushover. Leadership is kind teaches my daughter that her husband one day better not lay a hand on her, that he better not yell at her, teaches my son not to behave in those ways. Um, when someone's frustrated, like if my daughter got frustrated trying to help my son do something and he's not getting it, I can shout from the other side of the house or like, you know, cut my hands. I don't shout at my kids, but hey, leadership is kind, which is a reminder to her to be patient. Uh helps them with in the future, maybe identifying a toxic coach, toxic boss, and just leadership is like influential. Leadership, I think I got this from the book Power versus Force, but leadership doesn't force, leadership doesn't control. Leadership is kind and makes you want to be like them, makes you want to follow them. You know what I mean? We also say you can do hard things. So I make my kids swim laps if they want money. I don't just buy my kids stuff if they're like, oh, I want this toy. We go to the YMCA and we get in the lap pool because they can swim now, and every time they swim down and back, that's a dollar. And they've really pushed themselves to like get $10 or $20 for whatever thing they want. But in the early days and when they were learning how to swim, it was like, oh, I can't do this. I only earned $2. And it was when they're in moments of struggle to put to show them how far they really can push themselves because kids need to learn to be resilient. You can't do everything for them or save them from everything. That's not good parenting. I would say, hey, you could do dark, you could do hard things. And I would say, like, say it out loud. Um, I don't know if I want to say my kids' names. I'm gonna make up kids' names, like Katie can do hard things. Say it. And I my daughter would look at me, that's not her name, and she'd be like, Oh, Katie can do hard things. And I'd be like, no, say it like you mean it. Katie can do hard things. Katie can do hard things, okay. And then she'd go back to it and then she'd finish, and then at the end she'd be so excited, and I'd be like, Katie can do what things? And she'd be like, hard things, and the same kind of thing with my son. He couldn't shoot a basketball to hit the hoop for the longest time. He wasn't strong enough, and he'd get so angry, and I'd be like, I'm gonna make up a name again. Pete can do hard things, and he'd be like, Pete can do hard things, and then he would, and then so teaching them they can do hard stuff in a moment when they're frustrated with math homework. It's like, hey, remember, you can do hard things, and they remember the times that they have. I also say we can't make people do things, and that helps them, like in the future, when people don't love us properly, can't force someone to choose you. Um, even down to like, oh, my brother doesn't want to jump on the trampoline with me. Okay, well, either cut him a deal, make him an offer he can't refuse. What is he gonna get out of it? Or just accept that you know, we can't make people do things. And I don't force my kids to do what they don't want to do, but I also remind them that like you guys are like built-in best friends and you spend a lot of time together. So another thing we say is if it's important to you, it's important to me. So sometimes my kids will loophole the we can't make people do things by telling the other one, like, hey, it's important to me. So it should be important to you. And sometimes that works. But there's like so many school events that I can't attend all of my kids' stuff. If you've got kids in elementary school now, it feels like they have an event at the school every two days, and you feel so guilty for not going to absolutely everything when you have to work. So I tell my kids, like, I will go to as many events as I can. But when it's like silly cat day and they invite the parents in for ice cream, I'll ask my daughter, like, is this important to you? And she sometimes she'll be like, Yes, and I'm like, got it, I'm there. Um, but sometimes she's like, no, mom, this is stupid. And like, two parents will show up and it's like dumb. We don't even need you guys there. I don't know why they do this. Um that that could make your kids want to go to each other's sporting events too. Like, hey, if it's important to you, it's important to me. Hey, I've got a game coming up. I want you there. The uh that that rule helps everybody operate as a unit and support each other. And remember that it's not just about them, there's other people in the family to to bear witness to and to be kind to and to make space for so that we can all stay close. Um, last few things I'll say as I sniffle my way through this. When they're arguing, I think this is really important. Like, remember to set teach your kids to set boundaries. So we had problems with hitting and slapping. I think most kids do, and we really had to eradicate that. I've had to tell my kids, like, guys, I grew up in a family that hit. I grew up where Mimi and Papa would hit. We don't hit, okay? That's that's no way to treat each other. So it's not just like, don't hit me. It's hey, if you hit me, then I'm going to walk away, or then I'm going to tell mom. And or if it's like they're stealing each other's toys, like teaching your kids to say, hey, if you take my favorite stuffy and throw it behind the couch again, then I'm not gonna play with you. And teaching kids to use the right language early is gonna totally set them up for success later in life. And then like following through, I all and then when the other kid gets upset, it's like, oh, hey, Pete, like, Kate set a boundary. I love these fake names for my kids now, Pete and Kate. Oh, you know, Pete, Kate set a boundary and we can't make people do things. Whatever. Like, there's so many these phrases all play off of each other and help me to say so much and so little because it's a lesson that applies to lots of things, if that makes sense. Um, when I'm running late, like when we're rushing out the door to get to school, I tell the kids it's my fault. I don't yell at them to get ready faster because if you think about it, we are the leaders of our households. If we are rushing out the door, it's because we didn't offer enough structure and we need to take accountability that we didn't get up early enough or we are not in a good routine. It is never our children's fault that we're late. They are kids, their brains are still forming, they get up for school way too early. I hate that we have to do this, and they need you to be up and ready to go and regulated to not help them get ready, but to help them start their day off right. It's really bad for a nerve a kid's nervous system to be rushed out the door and yelled at and then sent straight to school where they're away from you. That creates a very negative inner critic. I once had my mom tell me I didn't deserve a hug and a kiss goodbye one morning because I was running so late. I'll never forget it. She obviously doesn't remember, but I'll never forget that. I was in like second grade and I was rushing to the school bus and I was like, wait, mom, a hug and a kiss. And she was like, get out of here. You don't even deserve one today. She was mad at me that I was running late, but like, it's okay. She wasn't equipped. But like kids, kids need you to help them learn how to get places on time. And we're not perfect, so so when we're running late, I say, hey guys, or if if I was having a tone, like, guys, I'm so sorry for my tone. It's mommy's fault. I'm the leader. And often my kids are like, no, mom, it's not your fault. We could have put our shoes on faster. It's kind of like a psychology hack to be like, it's my fault that we messed up. And it is, but the kids are then more likely to then take accountability for their part because they see you being hard on yourself in the right way, in a leadership kind of way, and they're like, Oh, but I contributed too. It kind of keeps that team dynamic. But also, like, we gotta get up early, we gotta try to be stable for our kids, especially in the mornings when they go to school to be away from us. Um, I tell them all the things I like about them at bedtime, so I don't do this every night, it would get repetitive. But after we read books, some nights I'm too tired. I don't do it every night. Again, I'm not a perfect mom. But I will sit with each child and point out all the things. I'll ask them, like, can I tell you all the things I love about you? And I'll just rattle off like 30 things until I can't, until they're like, okay, okay, okay, I get it. Um, how nice would that have been to have a parent kneel down at your bed and just notice things about you, about your character, about your physical appearance, about your natural skills, your gifts, your abilities, like confidence building and the inner voice starts very young, and they're getting that inner voice from us. We either become their inner critic or their number one fan that tells them they can do it. So bedtime, I think, is just a good time to let them go off into sleep feeling good about themselves in that way. Um, I also asked them one last question at bedtime, like, hey, is there anything you want to talk about? Is there anything on your mind? And most of the time the answer is no. Sometimes there is something they want to talk about. They they lost a grandfather last year and they had a ton of questions about death for a while, so we needed to address that. And you know, that's scary. When a grandparent just disappears and then you never see them again, that's very bizarre the first time that happens. Um, if they lie about something, we have a rule. If they tell me and confess that they lied, they get in way less trouble. And I often praise them. Like, I'm s didn't it feel good to tell me what actually happened? And it's always like, yes, and like um they might still be held accountable to something, but I always tell them, like, you can always feel safe to tell me exactly what happened. Everything is figure outable. I will never stop loving you if you make a mistake. Because that's what my brother needed to hear, who who took his life. He was really at the bottom of the barrel of alcohol, of life, of depression. And my parents shamed him and abandoned him, and he needed them, he needed to know that there's nothing he could do to where he wouldn't be loved anymore, but they weren't capable of that. So this helps my kids know later in life, God forbid, if they're like in debt or if they I don't know, they made some of a the adult mistakes that can happen as we learn, we learn by doing. I want them to feel like they can come tell me immediately. Not for me to fix it, but for me to be a support and to coach them through it and to be of sound mind to offer advice and like just be a family about it, you know? Doesn't that sound nice? Yeah, I know. Uh it's pretty wild that we can parent so differently after not getting it. I'm so proud of all of us. Um, I never say, here's some like last two things. I never say things like don't spill that. I say, I trust you to carry that carefully, you know? Um, I don't say, uh, let me think of another example. I don't say, don't drop that on the floor. I say, I trust you to hold this carefully, please, and walk it over to the table. What you know, there's a way to talk to them that instills confidence and not that you're going to assume that they're gonna mess it up because then they get in their head and then they're like, oh God, she thinks I'm gonna drop it, I better not drop it. You know what I mean? That's a pretty basic one. Um, but really, I said there was two more, but that was the last one. We're shaping their perception of themselves, okay? And it's a very critical time for them to be learning how the world works and if they can trust themselves and who are the adults they can trust and do they have any value, which the answer is absolutely, of course. Are they lovable? Absolutely, of course. Um, and help them to love themselves. And in doing that, it will teach you to love yourself. We all lose our temper, we all get triggered. Again, we're supposed to have so much more support than we have. The way that we live is not normal. So it makes sense that you're at the end of your rope sometimes. You have nothing left to give, but it all does come back to making sure you either have a partner who's making your life better or you don't have a partner. You don't want a partner who's driving your sanity into the ground while you're raising kids. That is not. I'm not telling you to go get divorced right now. I'm not even telling you to get divorced. I'm just saying I couldn't parent this way. Oh, jeez. Can I knock into the microphone anymore? My foot fell asleep, sorry. We can't parent the way we want if we're not being treated well by our partner. It's impossible. Um, it's really bad for the kids to watch. So trust yourself to make good decisions if you need to. You are the main character of your life. These kids are looking to you as an example, and they are the main character of their life. They're looking at you as someone to model their belief systems off of, and like it's gonna shape their character. It's gonna, it's worth it to hold them accountable, but also do it in a way that you never received. It will help you heal. I've had a few moments of resentment where I'm like, God, I would have given anything to have this, but I've also just flipped it to be like, if I couldn't, like, I finally have the mother-daughter relationship that I always wanted. It's just that this time I get to be the mother. And of course I love my son. I don't know what it's like to be a dad. I I finally have the parent-child relationship I always wanted, but to my son, this time I get to be the mother. I wish I could have been the mother to my dad, to my mom, to my brother. I wish I could have loved them properly, but that, you know, that's super misplaced emotions. It's rough to raise kids without family who gets you or a partner who's gonna be good to you, but it's worth it to do the right thing anyway. And it's really fulfilling. And my kids now say lovely things to me. They like will tell me that they're proud of me. They'll say, Oh, look, mom, you can do hard things. When I finished my book, The Family Cycle Breaker, and people started to buy it. I like Charlotte. Oh shoot, I said my daughter's name. Okay, Pete and Kate are out the window. Charlotte, Charlotte came in my office and she was like, What are you doing? And I was like crying, and I was like, Two people bought my book. And she was like, Mommy, she didn't know what the book was about, but she was like, You can do hard things. I'm so proud of you. I'll never forget it. My son tells me all the things, he'll like cut my hand, my face in his hands, and he's like, Mommy, I love your brown eyes. I got my brown eyes from you. Mommy, I love your your nose. Like, and I know that he's gonna treat a woman or a man one day with love, and he'll be gentle. And it's it's really cool to see that this is worth work worth doing. And uh parenting is more about you healing the little kid in you who was not loved properly, so that you can tell them that they're enough to love these kids properly and not like fail the mission, you know? It's a pretty noble mission. So I will put a link to those books in the show notes. I really hope my congestion didn't mess this episode up and you could understand me. Um, and I will keep cranking on the course, and um I'm excited to uh open that up to you guys next next week and uh keep having these conversations. Next up is my cousin Tony, he's gonna come on next week and he's got three kids and he's a cool guy to talk to. So thank you for all your DMs. If you're still listening, please leave me a review, a review, and let me know what you think of the show. Tell me how I can do better, and just know that I I send you light and love absolutely every single day and every night before I fall asleep. I think you're great. I think you're doing amazing, you're doing the best you can with what little resources you have, with the information you had at the time. Your life has turned out a certain way, and there is nothing wrong with you. You're doing great, you're figuring it out, life is messy, healing is messy, and you're doing awesome. You're doing the best you can, which is more than a lot of people can say. A lot of people are self sabotaging and numbing, and that's not any way to go through life. So good job. Drink some water, unclench your jaw again, and I will talk to you next time. Bye bye.