#12 - Sibling Betrayal, Marriage Pancakes, and 3 Headed Fanged Babies

Hey! Sibling betrayal is messy stuff. I've been there, and I want you to know you're not crazy. 

Here's some stuff I mentioned... 

• Make sure I have your email!
• Stop asking people WHY they did what they did to you 
• I think there was a 3rd, I have to listen back or send me a DM! 

Keep going, I love you! BYE! 

@christie.heals 

Transcript

SPEAKER_00 0:00

Oh hey, hi cutie pie. How you doing? How you healing? Unclench that jaw. It's gonna be okay. You did good today, whether it's morning or afternoon or evening. You did your best. And your best is gonna look different from day to day, so it's okay. Life gets messy, and this stuff is tricky to figure out. So, I don't mean to patronize you, but maybe you need to hear it. I'm super proud of you. Okay? And you should be proud of you. Life comes at you fast, and there are many random weird twists and turns and dark chapters where you feel like it's the end, but it's not. And this time last year, here I'm gonna go into my room. I hope I'm not echoing. Uh, this time last year, I was feeling hopeless, feeling trapped, feeling scared because I had just quit corporate and stood up my own consulting business, and it was starting to work, and I hated it. I had gotten divorced, I had moved with my kids twice. I mean, I had overcome so much, and then I worked in corporate for many years and got pretty far because corporate's a great place for people who are high achievers with some childhood tarama who um just want to do their best, and those companies will just take advantage of that and get to the worst answers possible in the name of money. Um, so I had overworked myself to death as a director and VP of marketing. I was a global head of marketing. I thought I was gonna be a chief marketing officer. That was my pipe dream. Oops! Then I realized I hate corporate because I can't sit in meetings with no agenda, and I used to say, no agenda, no agenda, because don't waste my time. I got stuff to do. Um, anyway, I quit all that because it was like a video game with no point and no boss level, and it was really boring. The money is amazing, but not for the sake of trading your soul. Trust me, those tech jobs are crazy, wild bananas, not worth it. Um, and so I built my own consulting business based off my own great smart ideas for how to help other organizations, and it was going great. And then I just I didn't want to do it. I had no spark. I was passionate about it. I still think about it to this day. I still think I'll revisit it, but I was like, something's missing. Why do I keep pivoting in life? What is going on? And that's why I tell you all to follow your whimsy because I was just like, this isn't it. I don't want to do this. I don't want to be known for this, isn't my legacy, you know? Um, and then I just threw on a wig one day and pretended to be a boomer mom, and here we are. So, I mean, my house was for sale. I was gonna sell my car, I was gonna downsize everything because I realized how much of my healing I had kind of skipped. I was still grieving my brother, I wasn't talking to my family, um, and I was in a very high conflict divorce. So I really needed some stability, and I thought the stability was gonna come from being an entrepreneur for the sake of like being in charge of my own schedule and all that. And I had some some nights where I was like, where's this all headed? What are we doing? What am I doing? What's wrong with me? Why can't I kick it into high gear? But that's there was there was more undoing to be done for me to really be my authentic self and heal my visibility wound and heal my inner child, to be able to dress up on camera and run around in wigs with no shame. My neighbors know me. They they love me, they don't care. They they're like, oh, she's shooting another video. Um, and they'll be walking their dogs and they'll be like, I saw it on Instagram, and I'm like, I hope you like your parents. Bye. Um so, but I I had many nights laying awake in bed staring at the ceiling, wondering how I was gonna feed these kids, how was I gonna pay for insurance? What am I doing? What why can't I figure this out? So if you're going through a season like that, my whole point to this whole random spiel is like hang in there. Listen to your intuition. If you want to have a career change, if you want to get on social media, if you want to write a book, it'll probably change your life. And there's a reason you're feeling that urge. It's like your higher self is like, come on, come on, and you're like a spooked horse coming out of the stable, like, is it safe? It's like you can't see what's ahead of you. Just come on, just take the steps. And I'm so glad I did. And I just want you to know your life can look a lot different in three weeks, three months, a year. You just have to take small, tiny actions that feel like they make you happy, they bring you some joy, and you just feel compelled to do it. You enjoy doing it. I will say content creation is exhausting, and I have busted my back and literally sat at my desk and just edited videos for hours, but I lose track of time because I love it, I enjoy it. Um, and thank God I'm not still helping organizations with their revenue and like their marketing stuff and sending employee surveys. Like, that's not where I was needed. It's not where I was gonna make the biggest impact. So, you know, like listen to your intuition. You you're very smart. I think a lot of stress and anxiety comes from not listening to our gut. Um, but if you're in one of those super low seasons, don't do what my brother did, don't hit eject. I don't judge the guy, I understand why he did it, but he was so close to a breakthrough. I'm so glad I stayed, even though my mom was spreading rumors about me and and going around telling people all kinds of stuff. I just like stayed the course and it led me here. And your journey's gonna look different, but like we're gonna get into it today. We're gonna talk about siblings who are loyal to parents, even though you've been betrayed or something bad happened to you, because that's what you asked for in my Instagram stories. So I listen to you guys, you guys guide the show. But like just if you're if you're isolated right now, if you're jobless right now, if you have no money in your bank account right now, I have lived that stress and it's awful, and you feel like if anyone knows about it, they're judging you. But like for me, there was an inner knowing of like, I'm gonna figure it out. And it's wise for me to say this this isn't it, this business that I built, the first business, and just be like, okay, I'm gonna kill my darling and flush the toilet on it and stop because I don't want to do this, and that's okay. I I would be in a worse position in 10 years. If I was still doing a business that I hated, at some point I would still have the urge to like do something else, and I will have wasted 10 years. So don't be scared, although I know it's scary. Like, you're okay. You're okay, you're okay. I really needed someone to tell me I was gonna be okay, but I kind of deep down knew, and I think it's because I'm t I'm sending myself messages now all the time. I send messages to that version of me that's like, the kids are fine. You end up talking about all of it, and it's actually very well received. I'm so proud of you. So I think if you feel this, like, I don't know what it's gonna look like, but I know it's probably gonna be okay. That's because future you is like, yeah, dude, you're good. Wait till you see it. And I still don't know what I'm building, it's building itself as we go. We've got the course. I'm gonna put something in the show notes so the never get manipulated again. There's like the gateway video, so I can get your email so I can tell you when the course is live. And for the first week, I'm gonna I'm gonna ship it next week. Finally, and for the first week, I'm gonna sell it for half off. So it's only gonna be 50 bucks, and it's gonna be like for uh 70 minutes, seven minutes, sorry, seven videos that are 10 minutes long. You're gonna learn so much more than therapy could have ever taught you in years, because I'm not your therapist, and I I'm not gonna tell you what to do. I'm gonna walk you through everything I fumbled through for the last two or three years, trying to figure things out and find myself and figure out who was making me feel sick and what to do about it, and figure out what kind of people were good to me and why and not good for me and why, and how to remove people and make smart choices because the people that are in your life that's that's like a very important seat that they're taking because they're having an impact on you, and we want it to be positive. And if nobody's having a positive impact on you, like was the case for me, I'll walk you through how to navigate isolation too. It's okay and it's temporary. Um, but we're gonna like teach you all the Darvo and like how to shut down and set boundaries, um, use the Jade technique and how to read body language and all that fun stuff. Figure out what your trauma response is. It's gonna be great. So make sure I have your email. And let's get into it. Oh my gosh. I can't believe. I can't believe we're here. This is fun. I'm having fun. I hope you're having fun. Um, okay, so I have a lot of experience with this. You guys want to know what do you do when a sibling does not take your side when bad stuff happens with family, and why do they do that? So there's many angles to attack this. I'm gonna try to just tell you some things, although some of them may not apply. So if it doesn't apply, just throw it right back over at me. Um, your siblings, of which I had two older brothers, I was the youngest kid and the only girl by four years. So there was a big age gap. They wanted nothing to do with me. And if they did, it was to cause trouble and put me in a headlock, which is why I'm so funny. Um, and scrappy. Your siblings did not have the same exact childhood that you did. And you grew up in the same house, but you got different versions of your parents. So my brothers were older, they were born super close together. Um, and I like with my mom specifically, just like experienced kind of like a colder version of her. And in talking to my late brother, who's not alive anymore, many, many years later as adults, he was like, What are you talking about? She was great. Don't you remember when she would tickle us as kids? And I was like, No. And he was like, Really? Don't you remember like how she would like sing us this song at bedtime? I was like, dude, that never happened to me. And so he was trying to say, like, when we were really little, she didn't used to be this way. And that was his experience of her. But then when they went to college, and I still had four years with these people by myself, so it was basically like I was an only child. Um, I got the brunt of it. I got to see it firsthand. I was the golden child, the black sheep, and the invisible child somehow all at the same time. Had to do with if I was getting good grades or not, or if I was performing well in my sports like basketball, or um I would get in trouble for getting bad grades, but ADHD wasn't a thing that you could diagnose back then. And I also wasn't sleeping because I had an eating disorder and a lot of like manias at night, and I I couldn't rest. Anyway, so I got a version of my parents where they were a lot older. Um, and my mom's drinking was really obvious. And I knew, I just I didn't really know much about alcoholism, didn't think about it too much. I just knew that she would act different, and I could usually tell why. And I'd have like coffee cups full. I used to ask my brother, don't you remember the coffee cups full of whiskey that would come splashing out at you if you like opened her drawers and he was like, No. So just remember that they had a different version of childhood than you did, and a different version of your parents. Now, there's also roles in the family, so it may not benefit the golden child sibling to go against mommy and daddy because that is the role that they've played very well. They benefit from it a lot, and um what you're asking them to do is kind of have an ego death like you, and you're starting to see through the veil of the family, and they may not be ready. They may not want to, they may know that bad things are happening, but they're more comfortable doing nothing about it because that requires no effort. They don't want to help cause change because they know it's not just one person that's gonna be mad at them. Everyone's gonna be looking at you guys saying you guys are the problem. And not everybody's brave like that, like you and I are. And that's okay in that it's your kitchen pass to get the heck out of that family if everybody's willing to ignore abuse, double standards, triangulation, um, weaponizing each other's emotions, never apologizing. Like, you're super brave for noticing that stuff and being like, um, excuse me, can we talk? Like, guys, what is this? The golden child specifically is gonna be like, absolutely not, because that goes against my job description of keeping mom and dad happy. Um, let's see. I'll tell you a quick story. Um, when I decided to get divorced, and I told my immediate family, my brothers and my parents, first of all, my mom's reaction was to roll her eyes and be like, get inside. I told her everything, and then my dad came home and was like, what's going on? And then I had to tell everything again. And I got all the typical, really awful questions that you're asked as a survivor of abuse: of like, well, why didn't you tell anyone? Well, if it was so bad, then why did you stay? Well, why are you deciding now and why didn't you decide 10 years ago? And I didn't know anything about abuse back then, so I answered all those questions and allowed myself to be gutted like a fish by my own parents who were kind of like doubtful of my stories. Um and I knew my mother had gotten to my oldest brother, my golden child brother, who was a very incredible guy. Okay. He was the crowned jewel of the family, very easy to brag about, really quick. Hold on. He was a double major, triple minor, played all the instruments, National Honor Society, led the church groups, like you name it, he won first place at it, like first place. And he achieved everything before my other brother and I even got a chance to try anything. So it was kind of like, what's the point? So my I don't know, like it's funny though, because they kind of neglected him too, because my black sheep brother was always getting suspended from school and getting bad grades and getting in trouble and stealing. He stole some kids' wallet and got like suspended in the seventh grade. Like he would those those were cries for help. So my parents were often putting a lot of attention on him, and it was a lot of negative attention. It was a lot of tension in our home. Um, so I think for my golden child brother, anytime mom called and wanted to dish about one of us, which is very inappropriate, like it's sick now. I see it for what it is. She had told him a version of the story that was like, oh, your sister, your sister's gonna make the family look bad. She just randomly came over one day and decided she's she wants a divorce, you know, because he texted me and said, I don't want a punch list of reasons why you hate your husband. And guys, we're talking like the amount of bravery I had to have to finally make the decision to get divorced, let alone start talking about why I'd been thrown into a wall, I had a rib broken, and like convinced myself it was something else. I like forgot that movie, it ends with us, is very accurate about domestic violence. You kind of like invent stories in your head about what really happened. But um, I've had things thrown at me, I've been strangled, I've been screamed at inches from my face where the floor is being pounded, and I thought I was gonna be murdered. It was scary. I'm laughing, but it's it's not funny. Um, it's not funny at all. To to finally be able to have the strength and the inner wisdom and the confidence to say, I'm leaving my marriage, and have my family then say, This is annoying, and or like, I don't want a list of reasons why you hate your husband, like that was betrayal with a capital B. Um, it hurt a lot, and I I couldn't understand it, but also I absolutely could because who were the first people to put hands on me? My family, specifically my dad. My mom spanked us too. And we're not talking spanking like a SWAT. We're talking 80s and 90s spanking where you can't breathe. Um, and you're hysterical because you're in so much pain from your caretaker, you know. Um, my brothers used to suffocate me, strangle me, jump out at me, drag me down the stairs. My oldest brother, not as much as my black sheep brother, but he was one of the first ones to attack me as a little girl and make me think that that was okay and make me think I had to defend myself, let alone um the fact that it should never be happening in the first place. So, of course, the people who were the first to abuse me didn't believe me because birds of a toxic feather flock together. Um so I spent a year kind of pandering to that brother, trying to get him to understand. And it was weird because he married someone who went who had a previous marriage, and I had this amazing like stepniece who I still love. They went off and had um, he and his current wife had had more kids. I've got all these great nieces and nephews. That'll be a different episode about how I also had to lose out on those relationships to do this. Um, but those kids will grow up and they'll be able to find me, and Aunt Christy's always here. But my brother had married someone who had also gotten out of a domestic violent, sorry, domestically violent situation, like worse than mine. Suffering is suffering, okay? And the worst thing that's ever happened to you is the worst thing that's ever happened to you. But that she was like chased down by her ex in cars and like stalked and just crazy stories, and I believed her. Um, so for him to be taking on a woman who lived that, and then I call him and say, Hey, I know I've never told anyone this, but this is what happened. Um, and for him to be like, I call BS, like that's stung, and that there's no coming back from certain stuff. And that's a reason why I will never have him in my life again, because I know what happened to me, and I deserved to have siblings who would come running. But also, I never would have married someone who would get physical because there were many warning signs, but I missed them early in our dating relationship before I got married because I thought it was normal, because I grew up in a home that was rough and could be physically scary sometimes. So I was like, Oh, this is just what we do. And mommy was an alcoholic, and dad used to hit, so like, perfect. I found both of them and my brothers all in one person. All of my childhood karmic trauma was in this boss-level marriage that I was wise enough to say, um, no thanks, not anymore. Um, but I think my brother was so happy to have my mom leaning on him for a second and confiding in him. My mom can make you feel like you're number one in her world if you listen to her victim story. She's always got a victim story. She's so good at getting people to feel bad for her. This woman could write a book on just like literally Boomer Mom 101. Never tell the truth in therapy, and make sure you make your kids eat soap and never really check in with them ever, and then call them liars when they tell the truth. She has a way of being very convincing. She used to get me to believe her stories about my dad, about how she wanted to leave my dad, and she was so miserable in their marriage, and she would cry, and I'd be like, Oh my God, okay, well, then get divorced. I'll be okay. I want you to be happy. So she had gotten to him because that's that's the role she assigned him, is like her little golden boy. And he plays it to this day very well. He doesn't go against them, he doesn't, it's not in him to to make them upset because when he does what they want, he finally gets like a little sliver of their their attention, which is very messed up. In families, you're supposed to have unconditional love, you're supposed to let your children grow up to who exactly who they want to be and pursue their own hobbies and interests. But in our family, there was a template. You played sports, you went to church, you got good grades, you didn't cause trouble, and your room was clean. And that was That was it. Um, so he did he did everything perfectly all the time. His room was always clean, and and but like he didn't always get the attention he deserved. And I noticed, even I noticed that. So I think for a second he gets to be mommy's guardian. And my dad loves that role too. My dad loves to be my mom's henchman. That's why they have no friends, because my dad's words are so cruel and and mean and evil and like very hierarchical. My dad can make it sound like you're like the village idiot just with a look. Um, and and just say some things that are just so unnecessarily cruel and mean, even if they're true, like his delivery is awful. Um, but he was a fire chief. That's that's how he operated. Um, so you know, everyone in the family called my abuser and apologized to him when I told them I was getting divorced too. Everyone called him and we're like, Are you okay? And I was like, guys, we have lost the plot of what it means to be a family. Like, what are you doing? Where's the loyalty? How come family over everything is like what mom's obsessed with and family first, but I never get to experience this? Like, what is going on? And it's funny, if you were to ever ask any of them to this day if they did that, they'd be like, What are you talking about? I don't remember that. That doesn't sound like something I do. It's it was like going around and around and around and around on a racetrack where I was like, I don't want I'm getting dizzy. This is dumb. I don't want to play this game. You guys are losers. You guys are mean. Um, I'm not a loser, so I can't hang out with losers. I say loser lovingly because I really wanted my family to wake up and get it. Um, but that's okay. Um your siblings are not as emotionally intelligent as you, okay? Not everybody has empathy, and most people are kind of half-awake zombies for the sake of their consciousness, like like their ability to think about their thinking. Most people are very they're just like watching Fox News and like watching um, is it cake? And they go to their job that they hate or they're retired and they have no routine and they just exist and complain that they're fat and drink and numb and talk badly about people because that's what basic people do. You have the ability to think about your thinking, which can be very exhausting, but it's allowed you to find the patterns in your family and and and we also project our own goodness onto other people. So, like you would have stood up for your sibling, but you're projecting what you would have done to stand up for them and to be there for them. But that doesn't mean they're capable. I had to stop projecting my goodness on romantic partners too. My goodness, I love to save an alcoholic. I don't do that anymore. And look who's sober, me. Um, we also we can tend to have a fantasy of like how much people can change. I definitely had that with my mom. I thought I could finally get her to get it. And no matter how many times I caught that woman in a lie, no matter how many times I caught that woman saying one thing and doing another, or confiding in her and then asking her to please keep it between us. Um, it was usually about my divorce. Just like, I just need events, there's a lot going on, I need someone to talk to. Like, you got a kid, tell me everything. Tell me everything. And then neighbors are like, oh, your mom came over and she was telling us everything. I'm so sorry. Oh my god. So, like, we can have a fantasy that people would show up because we're projecting that we would show up for them. So stop projecting, save that energy, give it back to yourself. Um, but I think the the biggest takeaway, two biggest takeaways of like why this happens and why you can maybe have some peace to let it go. They had a different childhood than you, and they had a different version of your parents. And so that's one. The other is you're asking someone to have their own awakening like you are. And not everybody wants to have that because they're a basic human. Not everybody wants to work on themselves, not everybody wants to get to the best right answers. They just want to jockey for where they are at in the family will. And for me, I don't want that blood money. Good lord. If I'm still in that will and my parents die and I get some kind of inheritance, I'm donating every cent to a battered women's shelter. They are going to help some other woman who was abused, okay? Jeez, Louise. And I, if they're listening, I know that they're probably gonna, they already have taken me out of the will. So good. I don't want your blood money. I I'm gonna make so much more on my own. I already am. Um, but your siblings might want the inheritance. They um they also people are just uncomfortable with change, people are uncomfortable with conflict and they like their role that they play. So it doesn't mean that you deserve any of this. I'm just trying to help you put some logic to it. Um, but when you've been betrayed like that, it hurts. It really, really hurts. So for me to make sense of it, I just kind of had to step back and like see everybody for who they were and what their role was and what mine was. Figure out if I still wanted to play it anymore, which was no, and really take some stock and like take think back and be like, what what other times has this happened? And I was able to come up with lots of times that I felt abandoned, betrayed, um, left in the dark to fend from my own when something was done to me and nobody came running to defend me. So um I know it sounds harsh. I never tell you guys what to do, but for me, it was like I can't trust you guys. Um if I if I can't, it doesn't matter that we're siblings, it doesn't matter that we're family. At this point, you guys are just people and you've demonstrated that you can't take good care of my heart, you can't take care of each other's hearts, um, you don't play very nice, you don't think about other people, you're not objective, and you have no empathy. So I have to go. I can't have anyone in my life at this point. Like getting divorced was a big deal. That was a big choice. And then I quickly let go of my family because I had to for survival. I can't have people in my life who I can't trust. Are you kidding me? No way. I did not come this far to only come this far. This is not the life where I come to play small. It's probably not the life where you come to play small either. But I know it's scary to be like, but but it's my sibling. I know, but it's just a person. I am now two years out of this. Um and I gotta tell you, I've got so much peace. And new and different people come into your life that feel like family. There might be a temporary phase where you're kind of isolated and set aside, and it just feels like you're naked and afraid, like you chopped off your arms and legs by maybe cutting off contact with siblings too. But basically, for me, anyone who denied my reality had to go because that's how abuse, that's abuse. That's psychological abuse. That's um making someone question what's really going on. That's dangerous. That's no way to live. You can try to explain to the other, like you can try to explain to these people, hey, like I don't like that you don't believe me, but they'll just make you feel worse. That that video I posted, I'll put it in the show notes. That's like, stop asking people why they did what they did because you're not gonna like the answer, because it's cloaked in self-protection and denial and their own victim mentality. Parents tend to have a clone of themselves. I think my my golden child brother is like a very close copy of my dad and has a lot of my mom. Um, and I was really good at hiding how angry I was because I didn't want to lose my family. I didn't want to lose my brother. I still love my brother. I love both my brothers, one of them's dead. Um, on the heels of getting a mean letter from my parents. Oops. I didn't want to lose my relationship with everybody, but I had to realize that everybody was operating out of the same wound, which was mom was an inaccessible alcoholic. My dad couldn't access her, my brothers couldn't, I couldn't, and our family had become this dystopian clown show of a horror movie where you couldn't trust anyone. You couldn't. I I remember I learned this from Adele. I played this game for a while trying to figure out what was going on, not playing games to hurt people. I was trying to get answers, okay? This is different. So I told, like, I think I told my brother that I thought I was pregnant, which was not true. I wasn't even dating. And um, I was over at my mom's house or something talking to her, and I was that day I really wasn't feeling good. I was like, I think I need to lay down. I was at her house and she was like, Oh my god, are you pregnant? And I looked at her and I said, You talked to so and so. And she the she has this tell. I know her tells now. I know the look on her face, I know the pretend confusion, I know the shocked eyes that she has. That's how I know she's lying. And she's like, What? What do you mean? And I was like, Okay, it's my it's one of my brothers. I can't trust one of my brothers. Um and I did that a few times with different things and was able to narrow down specific leaks. And it was fascinating. And I'm glad I did it. And I probably didn't even realize what I was doing at the time. I didn't have time to think through these things. I was just trying to survive while raising my kids while my family was calling my abuser to apologize that I was divorcing his ass. Like, come on. There was not a lot of time for like super duper critical thinking. I was just trying to wake up as quickly as possible. Um, but my relationship with my still-living brother was always strained. He could be a really cool guy, he could make you feel like a million bucks. Um, he had some of the charisma that my my middle brother did. He can remember things about you and make you feel like he was really paying attention. But talking to him my whole life was always like a competition of who was achieving what. So, like just reflecting on the relationship. I was like, Does this relationship even work for me? Um, I remember a really specific conversation when I was like, we were just catching up on the phone, and I said, So how are you? What's going on? And he told me something about work and how he was going to a new city to travel for work. And I was like, Oh, that's awesome, cool. Well, but like, how are you doing? And then he started telling me about how he wants to be partner and he's on this project that might make him partner at the company he worked at. And I was like, Awesome! So, but like, how are you? Are you okay? How are you doing, the person in there? And it was like, I'm doing this new fitness thing, and I'm reading 10 pages of a book a day. It was always achievement-based because he was the golden child, and he he learned that love is based on achievement, which is not true. And we grew up in a uh very competitively as siblings. It was always tough to be the youngest, and he was always better and faster at everything than me. So professionally, when we would just talk about life, it was like he could only ever really talk about work. Um, we couldn't ever really get to the meat and potato of stuff. But anytime I would try to bring up issues with the family, he would just be like, hey man, he wouldn't say this exactly, but essentially it was like, I don't go there, I don't mess with mom and dad. I know where my bread is buttered, like I'm good. And I was just like, for a long time, just like man. Um but you know, my mom did a lot of meddling. Here's another story that might feel familiar to you. When we first bought our house in Austin when I we first got married, um, I I couldn't log into the bank accounts, okay? It was, I was we call that financial abuse. For my whole marriage, I was like locked out of the bank account, even though for most of the marriage I was the breadwinner. And it was it's a slippery slope. Don't even get me started. We'll talk about that another day. But anyway, my brother comes to visit, and we had just bought the house, and I didn't realize it at the time, but I was married to someone who was just like really bad with money, really bad. And I had no insight into anything. So he basically always told me, You're spending too much money, you're spending too much money. But it would be like I went to the grocery store, or I bought a breakfast taco, or I bought some makeup because I had a job. So I I always had this scarcity mindset, and I was always scared about money, but he would never sit down and budget with me, my husband, ex-husband at the time, whatever. Um, so it would now I know that was a way to keep me trapped and insecure and like just not spending money, whatever. It's a form of control. Um, my brother came to visit, and I don't know what happened. I I guess I felt like I paid for a bunch of stuff, and he didn't pay for a lot of things. And I was young, I was like 24, okay, immature, didn't know what triangulation was, didn't know that what I was doing was toxic, but called my mom to complain because my ex-husband was like, You're spending too much money. Why are you buying all these meals? And like, so I was being manipulated by my husband and made to feel insecure. So I was complaining to my mom, and she we didn't come home for that Thanksgiving. We went to go visit my husband at the time's family, and sh I called them on Thanksgiving, and sh was so nasty to me, and I can remember my brother didn't want to talk to me, and my mom was like, shh, uh, he knows that you you feel like he's cheap, basically. And I was like, What? Like, why did you say that? And then I knew my my I had aunts there and other family, and basically everybody was talking about me. I wasn't in the room, and she had pitted my brother against me and was like, Yeah, your sister thinks you're really cheap, and she thinks that you should have spent more of your own money on that trip. And she she created this situation where my my brother was furious and he was embarrassed, and he had every right to be because I had no business saying that. If I had a problem with him, I should have gone directly to him. That's what my mother should have instructed me to do. The matriarch, the big, big, bad matriarch that she was. She was more like a mean older sister. But my brother didn't talk to me for like a year. Like our relationship became very strained. It took a long time to get back to base line, if we ever really did. But there was a lot of hurt there. I know that's like a silly, dumb story, but I'll never forget being on the other line and realizing that my mom was trashing me and I couldn't do anything about it, and my brother wouldn't talk to me. And she drove a wedge between her own children. And it was very unnecessary. It was very silly of her to do that. But my brother had been groomed to think I was bad my whole life, to think I was too sensitive, that I cried too much, I created too many problems. They he's always gotten my mom's version of the story. And in my family, we were just never taught to go to the person directly and have a respectful conversation where both people get to speak. There's curiosity, there's repair, there's like some kind of like, okay, I learned this about you, and you know, if that's a boundary, I understand now, whatever. No, it was like mom was really good at making you think that you had her ear and her shoulder to cry on for a second, and she she'd give you some bad advice and send you on your way, and then go call the person that you were upset about and tell them everything. So my brother had a lot of resentment toward me, but I I always felt like I just couldn't access the guy. Um, but he, I don't know. I think everybody is born, like there's no bad dogs, there's just bad owners. I don't think there's any bad kids, there's just bad parents. I think um when siblings are strained as adults, it's totally 100% on how that household was run, on the lessons that were taught or not taught, that were good or bad, on the rules of life that were either evil or good. And I grew up in a very evil household where people lied, they manipulated, they weaponized emotions, and everyone tap danced around my mom's moods. And dad could be a scary dude. If you ticked off mom, dad would come for you, and it was just like so with my siblings, you know, I could tell I could have talked more about my black sheep brother who's not alive anymore, but I think the biggest stories I had were from my golden child brother, who I I didn't have as much beef with growing up, but we were kind of trained to not take each other's side and to not have empathy for each other and to not build each other up. I grew up in a house where there was a lot of teasing. I grew up, they call it negging. Our way of bonding was to make fun of each other, which is why I'm very quick-witted, because in that household, you didn't want to say or do anything wrong because it would, you'd be the butt of every joke for like a week. And they were merciless with teasing. And then if you cried, then you're too sensitive. Like they were such a perfect training ground for what I'm doing now. It's why I'm doing it. So we were just never taught, because it was never modeled for us, to be supportive of each other and to be patient with one another and to be kind. I think my parents have never modeled closeness. My dad has been chasing my mom their whole marriage trying to access her, but she's so cold and shut down, and her mood like she will freeze you out. I don't know how they're still married, but I think some people are just codependent in that way and religiously, like they just they would never get divorced. Are you kidding me? And it's like, well, that's why I did get divorced because I watched you guys hate each other my whole life. My my parents were never like snuggling or holding hands. Um, my dad always tried, but my dad could be controlling with money too. It's weird how your your childhood, what you watch as a kid becomes what you're attracted to as an adult. So your first marriage could be like your first pancake. Sometimes you gotta throw it away. That's okay. You can make more pancakes. Um, it's okay to change your mind. It's okay to realize you married or are partnered with someone who is perfectly mapped to your childhood trauma. This is a little side quest we're going on. It's okay to detach anyone who doesn't want you to make the best decisions for yourself that are like in your the decisions that are in your best interest, if people don't want you to be okay or they're judging you, like those aren't your people. But oftentimes it's your family. You're not gonna die. I promise you. I'm here to tell you. Here's my testimony, you're gonna be okay if you have to become estranged from siblings, too. I hope it doesn't get to that point, but trying to explain anything to my brother and and hear my side, he was too groomed by my mom to use Darvo. My family was the that's all we did. I never said that. That's not what I meant. Like, there could be no, I would go in with a full bleeding heart and they would go in with all this armor and just beat me to a bloody pulp, and I didn't want to do that anymore. So I hope I hope this gave you some different signs and like logical things to look at. Okay. There's nothing wrong with you. You do deserve to have siblings. I know it sucks. I know it's hard, it's painful to be betrayed, to be not believed, to be made a mockery of, to have a smear campaign. Next week we'll talk about smear campaigns. Um, but you're gonna be okay. And in life, you just gotta get away from people who do that. And some of the most successful people don't talk to their families anymore. But it doesn't mean there's nobody in their life. It means they were wise enough to stop picking up the thing that bites them and instead go find other things that are friendly and kind and gracious. Um, you become the average of the six people you surround yourself with. So if your family's toxic as a mother hacker, you gotta get out of there at some point for the sake of your own development and sanity and your trajectory in your own life. But I know everyone's situation is different. Um, some of You rely on your family financially, that's tough. You gotta gain financial independence by any way you can so that you can make decisions that make sense for you. Um, some of my listeners are like in high school listening, like you guys, you're gonna be okay. Some of you send me messages, like, I know it's hard, you're gonna be just fine, like you're taking notes now. You know way more than I did at your age, you're doing great. Um, you can't depend on these people because they'll hold money over your head like it's leverage that is just so sick. Um, and they'll threaten to take you out of the will. Good. If they threaten to take you out of the will, say bet and walk away. Because that means you have a bigger purpose and you're gonna make a bunch of money doing something else once you can conserve all the energy of trying to figure these people out and can pour it back into yourself. You're gonna be just fine, I promise you. You don't want that blood money. Forget them. I could never do, I could never do these things to my children. Like now that I'm a mom, I think that's just been so eye-opening for me too. Like, I could never ruh, ever have one of my children call me and say, Meer, meer, meer, mir, mir, this happened, and then I go call the other one and I'm like, guess what? She said, No. I would be like, hey, I'm here to listen. I'm not gonna say anything, but I'm also not gonna go fix this for you. Um, here's my advice. I this is I suggest you go talk to them and you know, here's some tips on how to get them to hear you. And I would remove myself because that's a it's between them. Um it's funny, my mom was always afraid. Every Christmas, she'd be like, This is our last Christmas together. And she always would say, I'm just afraid we're not gonna be so close one day. And it's funny because she was telling the future. She did not act in a way that made us a close family. She didn't, but you know what? She didn't know what that meant. She did she is one of those people that it's too scary for her to apologize. She wants to rewrite history or like she used to love to say, what it's water under the bridge. No, it's not. No, it's becoming a sewage drain. It's so toxic down there. We can't put any more water under the bridge, woman. Like, stop it already. Just admit that you did something terrible and apologize. But she couldn't do it. And our family was just built on such a shaky religious foundation. I'm not saying religion's necessarily bad, but you pair religion with all of this. It was just nobody was ever securely attached to each other. And it's a reflection of their parenting, it's a reflection of how much they were willing to love themselves and they didn't know how to address their wounds. I think both of my parents have a mother and a father wound, big time. My dad's got an abandonment wound wound with his mom, and he never met his father. Um, and my mom's the perfect way to replay that for him every single day of his life. She emotionally abandons him, she ices him out. She she's so mean to him. So mean. But he chooses that, and I can't save them from that. It's not my job. Um, but of course, us siblings grew up not sticking up for each other because that was that never modeled for us. It was never made to be important. It was never ever part of the equation. So I just kind of had to realize it for what it was. Chalk it as a loss, but be proud of myself that I realized it. And whether it's blood or it's a friend, I don't have anyone in my life who isn't by my side when I need them. Hard stop. I don't care. I don't care if that makes me sound crazy. I don't care if that makes me sound heartless. I love myself. Finally. And those people were the perfect little toxic group to teach me. But there's a grieving process. But I I might be talking in circles now, but like I can't make it clear enough. You usually can't get these people to wake up. You can't get them to get why this is so hurtful because you would be asking them to really take a good look at the whole family system, and it's a mess. It's ugly to look at. It is like a three-headed baby with fangs, with too many arms, one leg, it's dressed weird, it's bleeding out of its toes, and it's it's like got its head on backwards. It's like, ugh God, like, yeah, that's what we're dealing with. Not everybody wants to look at it and be like, let's fix this. So at some point, you're like, well, if nobody wants to fix the bleeding fanged baby with three heads and one leg, then I have to go. Oh, that metaphor got out of hand. I think you understand. Um, but I want you to know you're not crazy, you're doing the best that you can. But I do think in this life, this little video game that we call life, you have been chosen if you had a very rough childhood and you're trying to do something about it. You are needed somewhere, and the sooner you can make peace with the fact that you can't change these people and you can let go of the fantasy that people will magically be emotionally intelligent overnight, you're gonna save yourself a lot of stress and you can get back on with the mission. Because if like the first level of Mario was just Mario crying that all the Koopas were attacking him, and he was like chasing them down, like, why did you try to eat me? That would be the worst video game ever. No, he doinked them on the head and he's like, See ya, I gotta go. I got a mission to complete. Um, but you don't have to be as hardcore about it as me, but I'm also here to tell you my life keeps leveling up as I grieve the loss of what was never going to be, and the wisdom from choosing myself and saying it was never gonna get there. Good for me. I believe in me, I bet on me. I've got my back. I would never betray me ever again. I love myself. Like, this is what has come from removing people from my life who I can't trust to have my back when I need them. So, roll the credits, go no contact, no, don't, but also do if you need to. Like, I love that we can talk about it online because most people don't understand this decision. Not saying you would need to go make it right now, but in your heart of hearts, like you know, you know deep down. And the relief I felt when I blocked my brother's number, knowing I was never gonna have to fumble my way through a conversation ever again, where I felt like I was a loser after we were done because he was achieving things at work and I wasn't, or like not as much, like the relief that I was never gonna have him call and guilt me, that I made mom feel bad and he only got her side of the story. My gut always knew, my intuition always knew this person was gonna have to go. This person who was technically my brother is not good for me. And that's okay. It's not my fault. But it is my fault if I stay and beg him to love me properly, and he's not capable of doing it because he has his own issues. Does that make sense? You got this, you're figuring it out, and you guys ask really good questions, and I will be back next week and we will talk about smear campaigns. Um, for now though, go in the show notes and just make sure I have your email for stuff that's coming up because we're about to make all kinds of courses. I'm gonna do some like breathwork courses, and we're gonna have all kinds of things and modalities you can try because you're on your way to something great, and I can't wait for you to figure out what it is. Okay. Okay, I love you. Bye.