EP023 | The Movie Roles We Were Born to Ruin

The First Annual 2 Guys Movie Awards continues with Hollywood’s worst casting decisions. Erik replaces Reese Witherspoon in Legally Blonde, Jeff becomes Regina George in Mean Girls, and both movies are immediately ruined.

Erik starts a fight over a post-office survey, Jeff declares war on the letter Q, and we determine how long we could survive against an unlimited army of kindergartners.

The questions are stupid, the answers are worse, and somehow we still learn nothing. Lower your expectations.

Transcript

SPEAKER_02 0:00

Welcome to Two Guys No Credentials, where two completely unqualified people talk about nothing.

SPEAKER_00 0:05

And everything. Like we know what we're doing. Spoiler, we don't. The thing is though, really, like, how does how does one become an explorer? Like, Magellan, how do you become an explorer? Aren't we all looking around all the time? That's all it is.

SPEAKER_02 0:29

I think you don't get called an explorer until after you've explored. Until after you've discovered something. Right. So yeah, he was exploring, he found something. He's an explorer. Like he's a successful explorer.

SPEAKER_00 0:42

Gotcha. Yeah, I'm an explorer. I went to a different mall today. You went to a different mall. Really? And I explored it.

SPEAKER_02 0:50

Why'd you go to a different mall? To explore. Did you run into it? That's what I do. I'm an explorer. Did you run into any native? Did you run into any natives?

SPEAKER_00 1:01

Jesus. Like native Buffalonians? Almost definitely. Oh, were they hostile? They were extremely hostile, especially guarding a crop. Alright. Okay, so we got a lot to get to today. Oh, yeah, but they were willing to give everything away from Spencer's. Anyways. Okay, we got a lot to get to today. So we started off with the last week's episode, the first annual Two Guys Movie Awards. And now we're back with part two.

SPEAKER_02 1:49

Damn right. This is the continuation of the first annual Two Guys Movies Awards. Movie Awards.

SPEAKER_00 1:56

That was just a really long wardrobe change for us.

SPEAKER_02 2:01

Yes.

unknown 2:02

Yes.

SPEAKER_02 2:03

About a week's time. Yeah, we're definitely gonna win some sort of record. Do you win records or do you beat records? No, you beat a record and you win a new one.

SPEAKER_00 2:19

Gotcha. Okay. That's been established. Are you awarded a new one? I think you just hold a record.

SPEAKER_02 2:31

Yeah, but if you're gonna hold it, you somebody's gotta give it to you first. You can't just hold like if you don't have it.

SPEAKER_00 2:39

Yeah, yeah, I guess that's right. You know what's funny? Um, Eric Dickerson broke the record for rushing 2,000 yards once. They gave him a cake. Who gave him a cake? Like the league. What? They gave him a cake. The very next time it happened, that guy got a Ferrari. Yeah. What the fuck? I hope it was buttercream frosting.

SPEAKER_02 3:07

At least. Oh, that's that's some bullshit. Imagine it's gotta be the worst tasting cake ever.

SPEAKER_00 3:13

All right, let's go. It was probably horrible. All right, we gotta get into the deep end. So we didn't get to this last time, but I really wanted to make sure we did it this time. The deep end this week, you've been miscast.

SPEAKER_02 3:26

Take it away, partner. All right, Hollywood offers each of us $10 million to replace the lead in an iconic role. Um, the movie must be completed and released theatrical with new casting. Uh, you're not becoming the character. The character is being replaced by you. Exactly how you exist. So you're not. Does that make sense? Oh, yeah. I'm in. All right. So I chose um the cat the wow. I chose the movie, I chose the actor, uh, I chose my role, um, and I'm gonna perform a pretty iconic line from the movie, and I'm really nervous about it because I know I'm gonna ruin this movie. But my movie is the 1997 classic As Good as It Gets, and obviously I'm Melvin Udall. Oh, Wilson's character. Yeah. Um I I gotta do it like my like me, right?

SPEAKER_00 4:29

Yeah, do it like you. Just I can't do it like Jack Nicholson. No, you just take a deep breath, look right into the camera, deliver.

SPEAKER_02 4:39

I can't do this. I can't do it. Jack Nicholson he did it so well. Just sell crazy someplace else. We're all stocked up here. Love it, hell yeah. Nailed it, nailed it, crushed it. He does it so much better. He's so good. So much better. Oh my god. But so I chose this role. Uh, like obviously, I'm neurotic, I'm a little rude. Um uh I have some sort of weird OCD, not like his, where I can't step on cracks in the street. Um, but uh I really like I get why he's he is the way he is, because he just says whatever comes to mind, and I love this movie, and Helen Hunt so good in this movie. Um Cuba Gooding Jr. is in this movie, which is incredible. Um there's a little there's the ugliest dog in this movie, too. Um poor little guy. Uh I'm definitely ruining this movie completely.

SPEAKER_00 5:53

Yeah. I don't know, man. Because I feel like you navigate through life like this relatively. I know, but I I do it without it being funny. Oh, I always think it's hilarious. It's one of my favorite parts about hanging out with you. It's one of my favorite parts about going out into public with you.

SPEAKER_02 6:14

I dread this.

SPEAKER_00 6:18

I did I do think, because I did read this earlier, I love the choice, but I think if Larry David ever made a movie, like that's the role you were born to play.

SPEAKER_02 6:27

Oh my god. I wish Larry David would uh make a movie. That TV show he made, and I hate it so much. Curb? No, no, the new one.

SPEAKER_00 6:39

Oh. You hate it? I hate it. The first episode definitely wasn't great. It was very complainy, very annoying. After that, I think it picked up.

SPEAKER_02 6:50

Really? Because I I think I think it's just because I love the Founding Fathers so much. I I I was offended for the first time in my life.

SPEAKER_00 7:00

Oh, interesting. I mean, I could kind of I then you're definitely not going to like the rest of it. Yeah. It's definitely not his best work. Well, I can put it that way.

SPEAKER_02 7:16

No. No. Season season four of Seinfeld was his best work.

SPEAKER_00 7:21

Oh, yes. And I think season two through seven of Curb, unbelievable.

SPEAKER_02 7:29

Two two through seven.

SPEAKER_00 7:31

Wow. Yeah. I mean, it all every episode is absolute gold. Man, I gotta, I gotta watch this show. Yeah, you do. There is um, it's you can't watch, like you could watch a thousand episodes of Seinfeld in a row and never like it never wavers. Curb, because he's so complainy about everything, it does kind of get annoying after watching several of them in a row. Um, but it's also it's still great. Well, I think I would just sit there and be like, uh-huh. Yep. Yep. You know what? You don't need to watch curb, you could just set a mirror in front of your TV.

unknown 8:12

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 8:15

All right, yeah. Mel Melvin Udog, as good as it gets. I like that. It's a good pick. I don't think that this ru I don't think it ruins the movie, though. I think you're wrong about it.

SPEAKER_02 8:23

Oh, really? You think well, that's a nice thing to say, but I think I ruined that movie.

SPEAKER_00 8:27

I think that you could absolutely do the role justice, and I think it would make sense. I think it would be genuine. It's a lot of what this is, right? And I don't have a ton of acting experience, only a little bit of it uh from college. But they always talk about the authenticity of it, right? How do you identify with the role? You gotta find something within the character or the part that you're playing to kind of latch on to, and then you and then you can kind of grow organically from there, and you have that. So I don't know, I don't think it ruins the movie.

SPEAKER_02 8:55

I just don't think I could make fun of um I don't think I could say some of the lines where he's just being so like homophobic. I don't think that it could come out of a well, yeah. And he's wildly racist, too.

SPEAKER_00 9:16

Yeah, but again, it's not so much that you're playing a it's not so much that the character is racist as much as portraying how some people in our country actually are.

SPEAKER_02 9:32

Right. Uh yeah, I get it. He's just a mean man. Um mean man. But he was also sweet, and you know, Helen Hunt liked him. But yeah, there's certain things I feel like uh I almost feel like, well, you don't there you I almost feel like you couldn't make this movie now because like it wouldn't be funny. People would be like, yeah, that's who people are, you know? Like nobody would laugh. They'd be like, yeah. Yeah, current climate. Yeah. There's a scene, I don't know if you remember this, where uh there's two people sitting at his table, um, and he's complaining, and he goes around the counter to Helen Hunt, and he's like, There's Jews at my table. And uh he's so upset about it, and then he starts saying like anti-Semitic stuff to these people. Well, I guess you could make that now, because that's uh that's appropriate to do now.

SPEAKER_00 10:35

Yeah, it is appropriate to do it.

SPEAKER_02 10:36

Yeah, yeah, you're not in the country right now, everybody's anti-Semitic.

SPEAKER_00 10:42

I mean, you you know how I feel about this. You know how I feel about that sentence, right? Like, um, you can make the movie, like it might be different. The jokes have to be different, right? The the the irony has to be like delivered differently. But as long as it's funny and it's not too punching down, it's good to go.

SPEAKER_02 11:02

Yeah, but that's what I'm saying. That then it's a different movie.

SPEAKER_00 11:06

Yeah, it might change a little bit, but yeah, yeah. I don't know. It's it's such a weird thing. Like, that's that's what makes like like comedy very interesting to me in general. Because you can have two guys deliver the same joke and they will deliver it different ways, and one of them will be funny, one of them will be like not so funny, and it all depends like on the vernacular they use, the time, the little words in the setup. It's very interesting. It's like a poetry in a way.

SPEAKER_02 11:39

Yeah, I respect it. Anyways, I just I just don't find it funny. Comedy in general.

SPEAKER_00 11:50

All right. All right, so moving along. What movie? What role? Michael Corleone from The Godfather, part two. Part two. That's the better of the Godfather movies, the only sequel to ever win an Academy Award. Which I think is worth pointing out. 1974. Uh, there's a uh scene in The Godfather, which I I regard as one of the best movies, and honestly, I cannot believe we didn't even discuss it last week when we were talking about the all-time best movies. But for everything in this, in The Godfather Part 1 and 2, the acting is incredible. All of those actors went on to be major stars. Um the the storyline, the writing, the conversation is very natural, all of it's amazing. And so this particular scene that I chose uh in the line uh is when they're he Michael is kind of being grilled for the organized crime, and they're talking to him about the crimes that they may or may not have committed, allegedly, as them being these some terrible people. And Michael looks at him and he goes, Senator, we're both part of the same hypocrisy because the senators are all corrupt too. Oh yeah. Love that, love that line, I love that scene because it's so poignant, and that is that that they're writing about that in 1974, it's still happening today. It's the same thing, it is so hilarious that kind of dichotomy between the two, because he's a senator, somehow that that's more morally acceptable to be corrupt. But when somebody makes a living out of being corrupt, that's not okay.

SPEAKER_02 13:33

Absolutely. Um, yeah, this is a good movie. I I I this is a good pick. Um I think I I think the I think the movie's too long. Um, but I do it's a little long. Yeah, I do really like the movie. Um, it is the best one, even though I think three didn't get a fair shake.

SPEAKER_00 13:55

Yeah, three I don't know. I don't like I don't like three. It doesn't I don't feel like it fits as a trilogy.

SPEAKER_02 14:03

Well the problem was is um it like the movie was made in the 80s and it was very 80s. Yeah. And it was like trying to be 80s rather than be like culturally appropriate for the mafia in the time. Does I think that's why it looked it looked like I don't know, they just they look like 80s movie stars rather than like 80s mob guys.

SPEAKER_00 14:37

Yes, it's the same thing that makes the same thing that makes Godfather Part 3 not great is the same thing that made Robocop amazing.

SPEAKER_01 14:47

Yeah. Yeah, exactly.

SPEAKER_00 14:53

You know, um I I think like me and my personality traits, just being like the Sicilian background and from the stories that I've heard, uh my neighbors growing up were involved in the mafia in Buffalo quite heavily. And so I I don't know if any of that's true. It could be, uh, but like I've been I guess around people that have been in that world. Um and I don't know. I think I I don't think I don't think I completely ruined this movie. There are definitely scenes I feel like I would not, it would not make any sense.

SPEAKER_02 15:36

Alright, but it'd be okay. It'd be alright. I mean the cat the casting the cast is a powerhouse of actors, so I like they wouldn't they would prop you up. They would prop me up. Yeah. Michael, Sonny, and Fredo. Um is there like one person that would hate working with you more? Do you think?

SPEAKER_00 16:02

I don't know. I feel like I feel like most of them would be upset with how not like seasoned I am.

SPEAKER_02 16:18

Well, a lot of those guys like weren't I mean they were good actors, but I feel like they weren't in a ton of things that were just propelled them to be like the best actors ever. Except for Robert Duvall, who's yeah, Robert Duval, and I can't think of his name right now, James Conn. James Conn.

SPEAKER_00 16:41

Yeah, James Conn was pretty. I guess I'm replacing the one person that was like considered a legendary actor in Pacino, but whatever. No way, Robert Duvall. Well, Robert Duval is amazing. Absolutely.

SPEAKER_02 16:56

Have you ever seen Open Range? I have not. Oh my gosh. Put it on your list immediately. Do whatever you have to do, call out of work tomorrow, watch this fucking movie. Open range Kevin Costner, Robert Duval, and they're cowboys, and um like they free range their ant, like they are like they just they just move along wherever with their like herd of cattle, and they graze wherever they are, and it's it's illegal, but people are mad about it. Um, and you know, that's where the the drama happens.

SPEAKER_00 17:42

I've noticed that Kevin Costner in his role spends a lot of time ranching or on farms building baseball diamonds. Wouldn't you? No. Really? I don't think so. Like Yellowstone blows.

SPEAKER_02 17:59

That that show blows. Uh I disagree with you on this, uh, but I'm not I don't want to have a debate about Yellowstone because I understand why you think it blows. You're just wrong. Um, but uh what was I saying? Oh, if you had a choice, you're like, I could be whatever I want to be, you wouldn't be like cowboy.

SPEAKER_00 18:26

Um no, I don't think so. What would you be? This is a good question.

SPEAKER_02 18:34

I don't I don't know, probably a musician. You would want to be a musician in movies? And that's it.

SPEAKER_00 18:45

Yeah, in movies. I don't know. Action action always seems pretty cool, but I guess you get a lot of that as a cowboy. Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 18:56

You get a lot of gonorrhea, too.

SPEAKER_00 18:58

You get a lot of gonorrhea. Not a lot enough people talk about what the cowboys go through and gonorrhea. Yeah, let's not talk about it either. Um yeah, I don't like to talk about the Dallas Cowboys.

SPEAKER_02 19:17

Um, they also get um uh a rare uh SCD, OWI. Cowboys? Yeah, the Dallas Cowboys. Tony Romo got an OWI while he was in um recently.

SPEAKER_00 19:34

You're right, yeah. Yeah, uh that is hilarious, by the way. The memes are just incredible.

SPEAKER_02 19:41

That joke didn't land the way I wanted it to.

SPEAKER_00 19:44

Yeah, I get it though. I get it.

SPEAKER_01 19:49

So did he.

SPEAKER_02 19:50

Um that one hit. Um yeah, I my top three, I would be a cowboy. I would be a knight in a good fantasy movie, not like Lord of the Rings. Um, and I would be in a heist movie. That that's my top three.

SPEAKER_00 20:12

Oh, a heist movie, like a Jason Statham in a bank job.

SPEAKER_02 20:16

Bank job, yes. I was thinking more along the lines of Heat.

SPEAKER_00 20:20

Oh, Heat's good too. Yeah, yeah. All right, I like that. Alright, so who's the winner of this? I don't know. The miscashed award. I don't really know what the parameters are for a winner. Neither do I.

SPEAKER_02 20:36

I think um, I think we both lose.

SPEAKER_00 20:38

We both lose. Love that.

SPEAKER_01 20:40

Okay, yeah.

SPEAKER_00 20:44

Alright. We'll both lose.

SPEAKER_02 20:47

Oh my god, I'm so excited for this, though. Do you want to go?

SPEAKER_00 20:50

All right, the confidential yeah, all right. The next round we have here is the confidential sabotage casting. This is where Eric and I chose roles in iconic movies for each other to play. Now, the goal is to create the worst possible casting, and it has to be a genuine leading role from a recognizable movie. Each selection must include the movie, the character, and then one iconic line from the movie that we have to perform. And just so you know, we both wrote one for each other, and we have not seen them. I have no clue what is about to be handed to me. Uh, everything in the movie remains exactly the same. So the original script, cast, the wardrobe, romantic scenes, anything, and the whole movie's unchanged. You're just putting one of us in it. And so we have no preparation for this. We get one attempt at delivering the line. And I gotta tell you, Eric, I screwed you here. Okay, bud.

SPEAKER_02 21:52

Oh, that's good. I'm gonna be really excited about this. Would you give me a monologue instead of a line?

SPEAKER_00 21:59

I It's not really a I wouldn't consider it a monologue. Okay. All right.

SPEAKER_02 22:07

Well, I'm going to go first. Okay. And I'm going to find somehow some way to end this podcast before I have to go. So you want to read yours first? No, I'm going to tell you. I'm going to reveal yours first. Okay.

SPEAKER_00 22:25

All right. I'll open it after you say it.

SPEAKER_02 22:27

Yeah, yeah. Open it after I say it. The movie is Mean Girls.

unknown 22:37

Yes.

SPEAKER_02 22:38

Okay. And you'll be uh replacing Rachel McDat McAdams as Regina George.

SPEAKER_00 22:45

Love it. Okay. Let me read the line here. All right, so I'm Regina George.

SPEAKER_01 22:56

Yes. Yes, you are.

SPEAKER_00 22:58

Let me think about this line in the context. I can't go to Taco Bell. I am on an all-carb diet. God, Karen, you are so stupid.

SPEAKER_02 23:19

That was amazing. I've never seen the movie, but that was amazing.

SPEAKER_01 23:25

You did great.

SPEAKER_00 23:29

Okay, so this is particularly funny because I did a similar thing to you. But I actually do love this movie. I can't believe you haven't seen this movie. This movie's great. Me and Girls is awesome. Anything Tina Faye does is gold to me. I think that like this movie's like culturally really significant as well. Especially the time period that it was made and like the way high school was, then I thought they depicted it really well. Making like and Rachel McGadda's performance in it, honestly, is quite nice. Although it's kind of like you know, a silly movie. Um I I thought she was incredible in it, being the mean girl and um kind of controlling her puppets in those ways, and um the shenanigans, I guess, that they all kind of get into. Um the movie's great.

SPEAKER_02 24:22

I've seen bits and pieces, but I I haven't watched the whole thing. Um, but it isn't doesn't the movie start out with like they're making fun of lesbians and then we find out that they're lesbians at the end or something weird like that. Um Isn't there like the like this hidden thing where isn't that like the whole like the the whole thing that starts the movie? Like it gets really wrapped up in the end or something? I don't know.

SPEAKER_00 24:48

I don't think so. I don't think so.

SPEAKER_01 24:53

Oh.

SPEAKER_00 24:54

I mean there there's definitely reference to it a little bit, one of the principal characters, but it's not the movie's not really centered around it.

SPEAKER_02 25:03

Oh, I thought it's like the whole thing that starts everything and then it kind of ends with it being wrapped up in like a little bow.

SPEAKER_00 25:10

No, it's more about this girl that Lindsey Lohen plays that wasn't like born in the US, so she's not familiar with like the societal roles of high school. Um, so she gets there and has to like learn everything and quickly figures out that these group of girls are popular. It's way better to be popular than not in high school, and so she becomes one of the mean girls to try to fit in and then realizes the error of her ways.

SPEAKER_02 25:37

What um where where was she born?

SPEAKER_00 25:42

Uh I don't recall in the movie, but like her parents were like, you know, they would like I think I don't remember what like what they did for a living in the movie, but like they were in South Africa or Africa for a long time, like the Sahara, like photographers or something for like wildlife, whatever, or like something like that. They did something like wildlife.

SPEAKER_02 26:06

Can I ask you a question? Yeah. Do you think you could pull off um uh her wardrobe?

SPEAKER_00 26:18

I definitely wouldn't look good. No, there's no way. Alright. Okay. This ruin so it either ruins the entire movie or makes the movie unbelievable. Like there's no middle ground. Like the movie wouldn't end just being okay.

SPEAKER_02 26:36

Ah, it you'd get you you'd get an Oscar or whatever people get. Like in 2020.

SPEAKER_00 26:44

Could you imagine could you imagine the popular girl in high school being a dude with a beard? Would be hilarious.

SPEAKER_02 26:52

It really would. Uh, do you think um Gretchen and Karen would follow you?

SPEAKER_00 27:01

Um, I think they I think they would have to because I'm the popular girl. And so if they want to be popular, they have to ride my coattails.

SPEAKER_02 27:11

Alright. Alright, fair enough. I think. Um, what's what's the most important thing you're writing in your burn book?

SPEAKER_00 27:27

Uh just a lot about Jake Paul.

SPEAKER_02 27:35

I don't even know what that is. What's a burn book?

SPEAKER_00 27:39

Um, I think it's like all the people that you hate. Oh. Alright. Man, I need one. Yes. Yeah, you do. That actually might help a lot.

SPEAKER_02 27:52

Well, I have a uh I have uh like lots of notes on things that I hate that I write down.

SPEAKER_00 27:58

Yes, that's true. That's true. There's gotta be some sort of therapy in that.

SPEAKER_02 28:03

I think it makes everything worse.

SPEAKER_00 28:05

Maybe. All right. So are you ready for your iconic role? Oh, I'm ready. Okay. So for you, I chose no one other than L. Woods from Legally Blonde.

SPEAKER_02 28:33

This is so funny. Because remember when we were talking about this and you asked me, did we pick the same person? It was between this and Regina George. And I went to the case.

SPEAKER_00 28:49

I knew it. So that's why I told you in preparation for this, like, there's a good chance that we chose the same person.

SPEAKER_02 28:56

That's so funny. Also, yeah, you did give me a monologue. A little bit.

SPEAKER_00 29:06

Um, wow, wow, wow. It might just be better to just straight up read it.

SPEAKER_02 29:14

Um I haven't seen the movie in so long either. I don't what?

SPEAKER_00 29:19

So this scene, this is the courtroom scene, and Elle Woods, it clicks in her head that Chutney is lying. And she knows that because Chutney got a perm. And her story is that she was in the shower.

SPEAKER_02 29:39

That's right. Because isn't the first cardinal rule of perm maintenance that you're forbidden to get your hair wet for at least 20 hours after getting a perm at risk of deactivating the ammonium deoglocate? The ammonium cyglocalate.

SPEAKER_00 29:56

Cyglocalate, yes.

SPEAKER_01 30:03

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 30:07

That is the first cardinal rule of perm maintenance, though. I know, because I have lots of hair.

SPEAKER_00 30:15

The first cardinal rule of perm maintenance, you can't get it wet for 24 hours at risk of deactivating the ammonium thylocalate. Thylocalate. Everyone knows that.

SPEAKER_01 30:25

Is that a real thing?

unknown 30:27

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 30:34

Oh, that's so funny.

SPEAKER_02 30:36

Um, wow. I don't, I think I'm ruining this movie. You think so? Yeah, I can't walk in heels. Oh, that's that's it, huh? Yep. Ruining. That's the only inhibiting factor. Yeah. The rest. I mean, I don't have any hair, so I feel like they would it would be really easy for makeup um to uh like fit me for a wig.

SPEAKER_00 31:05

Yeah, yeah, that's true. But I that's a good point.

SPEAKER_02 31:08

I can't walk in heels.

SPEAKER_00 31:10

I don't know that it plays that you could easily kick Warner's ass. Who's Warner? What? That's the boy that she's been after. The whole reason that that's the whole reason you go to law school.

SPEAKER_02 31:30

I don't remember any detail from this movie, apparently.

SPEAKER_00 31:34

Guess you haven't seen it as much as I have.

SPEAKER_02 31:36

Yeah, when was the last time you saw this movie?

SPEAKER_00 31:39

Last week. No, I'm just kidding. Um, I don't remember, but like growing up when it came out, my sister would watch this movie incessantly all the time. So it was just kind of always on. And it is pretty good.

SPEAKER_02 31:52

I haven't seen this movie.

SPEAKER_00 31:54

What year did this movie come out? Oh man. This is a great question. Okay, let's let's play a game. 2004. Let's guess. Oh, 2004 is a great one. 2004. I don't I don't remember. I'm gonna say 2006. Oh wow! It was 2001.

SPEAKER_01 32:20

Oh, okay.

SPEAKER_00 32:22

Nice. Not bad.

SPEAKER_02 32:26

Yeah, I can't remember. It's gotta be over 20 years since I've seen this movie. And I think I've only seen it once.

SPEAKER_00 32:33

So you saw it in it between 2001 and 2005.

SPEAKER_01 32:38

Yeah, it's well close to that.

SPEAKER_00 32:41

Yeah. Well, I think you did an incredible job portraying the role. And so I I think that the I think I'm the sabotage winner, and you are the worst casting award.

SPEAKER_02 32:55

Yeah, I think you're right about this, for sure. Yeah. I don't think I don't I don't this movie fails completely with me in it. Yeah. I'm more of a Melvin Udall, not a blonde.

SPEAKER_00 33:13

Yeah. You would look great. You would look great with Luke Wilson, though.

SPEAKER_01 33:21

Luke Wilson? Come on.

SPEAKER_02 33:25

Owen Wilson guy? Owen Wilson, maybe.

unknown 33:28

Wow.

SPEAKER_02 33:29

Luke Wilson? No. Wow. Alright, well that's it. So that's it. That concludes the awards. Nobody won the uh first miscat cast. Um and you definitely win the sabotage casting, so uh you're the winner of the uh two guys no credentials really stupid casting award. Bring me the belt. Oh, I'm sorry, you don't get a belt, you just get your parking validated.

SPEAKER_00 34:02

I'll take it. All right, moving along. Let's get into our week weekly regrets, bud. All right, let's do it.

SPEAKER_02 34:13

Um what what's our time? Oh, we're doing we are perfect right now. Let's go. Perfect. All right, almost like we know what we're doing. Um I'm not sure if this counts as a regret, but I'm gonna make it one. Uh so over the weekend I went to the post office and um I'm just waiting in line, and I see uh every time the cashier, the post office worker, every time he finishes a transaction, um he he reaches over the counter and does something on the screen. And I'm like, what's he doing? And he's doing it really fast. And I'm like, what's going on? And I'm like fourth or fifth in line, so I see him do it a couple of times, but I'm too far away because of the way the post office is set up. So finally, I'm next, it's my turn. I hand him the package and I'm like, here you go, sir. And um uh he does his thing, and I do this weird, I confuse him because I'm like, Do you need a QR code? And he's like, What? And uh I said, uh I said, uh my wife said you might need a QR code. Do you need one? And he's like, I don't know. I was like, okay, sorry. So he does whatever he has to do. Uh he says, um, so I'm already uncomfortable because I'm like, fuck, I should have just given the package and let him tell me what he needs. Um, so I'm really upset about this that I even said something. Um, but I've got my phone, like I'm waiting at the airport to board, you know, with my boarding pass and my phone. Like, I've got the QR code right there. Uh I'm like, oh, I just put this away. And um uh it finishes up. He's like, Do you want to receive? I was like, yes, please. And um he he does all this stuff on the computer, and then on the screen in front of me, it a survey pops up with like a mad face, happy face, sad face, or something like that, like different colored, like smiley faces. Yeah. And he reaches over, he reaches over and hits the green one. Yeah. Yeah. Oh shit. Do you want to know what I did?

SPEAKER_00 36:33

I can only imagine what you did.

SPEAKER_02 36:35

I took the receipt and I left calmly. Good for you, my guy. No, that's not what I did. That's what I should have done. Because it was awful. It was it was awful. So I look up, like, meet him eye to eye, and I'm like, did you just answer the survey for me? Uh and he's like, well, nobody ever nobody ever does it, so I I do it for them. And I'm like, well, don't you think you should ask me before you answer it for me? And I'm a little I'm upset. I'm a little upset. What do you think this guy does? Uh I don't even know at this point. He apologizes and I go on my way. Nice, okay. That's not what happened. He he starts speaking to me in Spanish.

SPEAKER_01 37:51

And I don't know what to do.

SPEAKER_02 38:14

So I don't know what to do because he's I don't know what he's saying to me. Um and uh so I'm like kind of like standing there, I'm sure my mouth is open because I'm shocked. And I was and I said, I just I was like, I just think you should ask before you answer the survey for somebody. And he looks at the other cashier, starts speaking Spanish to her, she starts speaking Spanish back, and they're both laughing. She's staring right at me, laughing in my face. So I'm oh my god. So um I take the receipt, I turn around, I don't say anything else, and I basically walk out just feeling completely defeated because this interact I this interaction was so horrible. I was like, what? They're laughing, they're speaking in another language and laughing in my face because I was offended. He and he he told the machine how I was feeling, and that upset me. But I guess um, I guess if I learned anything from my post office trip, it's that it's not because you always ask me, you're like, how does this stuff happen to you? And I'm always like, I don't know, I don't know. But what I learned from this interaction is it's not God, it's not fate, it's not the universe, it's me. It's I do this to myself. It's Eric who's doing this. So my regret for the week is opening my mouth at any point ever in my entire life.

SPEAKER_00 40:12

Oh my god, dude. This really does only happen to you. It's so good. It's so good. And you know what? It's a lot of growth. And I quote the biggest Chiefs fan on planet earth. It's me. I'm the problem. It's me. Taylor Swift.

SPEAKER_02 40:32

Oh, I thought that was Kel, I thought that was Travis Kelsey.

SPEAKER_00 40:36

No, but he should just be a fan at this point.

SPEAKER_02 40:38

Yeah, they both suck at football.

SPEAKER_00 40:41

Yeah, Taylor might be better than him at football now. Oh, Jesus Christ. I gotta lay down. Yeah. Imagine how I feel. I have to live like this. I mean, uh the other lesson that you can take away from this is like, don't go to the post office. I know. Who goes to the post office anymore? Who I haven't been to inside a post office in 15 years.

SPEAKER_02 41:10

Oh, what do you how do you get your stamps? Stamps? Yeah. Where do you get stamps? I don't. You don't you don't sell send letters? To whom? I don't know. Maybe you have a pen pal in Africa.

SPEAKER_00 41:32

Did you do that when you were a kid? No, I didn't. Um, but I don't I don't I don't have a pen pal per se. Um, I am very close with a uh famous prince from Zimbabwe, and once I send him enough money, he's gonna come and visit me.

SPEAKER_01 41:50

Oh, nice. Okay, good. Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 41:52

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 41:54

Is this Zimbabwe?

SPEAKER_00 41:56

I don't know, dude. It's just not the day to ask me questions.

SPEAKER_02 42:01

And I don't think it's a prince either. I think it's like a Nigerian king.

SPEAKER_00 42:07

Maybe. Yeah. I mean, I don't know who I'm sending it to. All I know is like they better get here, right? They'll show up. They'll show up. Um take him to a Bills game.

SPEAKER_02 42:19

Yeah, take him to invite him to Friendsgiving, take him to a Bills game, whatever.

SPEAKER_00 42:23

Yeah, I thought he might want to see us play the Lions since he's very used to that, you know.

SPEAKER_01 42:32

Alright. That one's good.

SPEAKER_00 42:36

The uh this this is so funny, dude. I can't like I wish I could have been a fly on the wall when they start speaking in Spanish and just like the sheer confusion and worry set in. It was awful.

SPEAKER_02 42:51

It was awful. I was just like, um, what do I do now? What do I do now?

SPEAKER_00 42:58

The thing is, all of your all of your stories that are like this, in all of them, like you are right. Like, why is he giving himself a good score? What if he wins employee of the month? That's stolen valor.

SPEAKER_02 43:11

Basically, yeah, and it's a federal job, so it is like stolen valor. Yes, it's stolen valor. Yeah, he's got a shitty uniform, but uh yeah, still. The fuck? He probably doesn't even work at the post office, that bastard.

SPEAKER_00 43:26

Yeah, uh I yeah. Shitty, definitely shitty uniform, but like nice pension, which is ridiculous. Oh my god, I know.

SPEAKER_02 43:37

If I can, you know, it's hard to get into the post office because I haven't looked into it. I mean, it's not that hard. I like I'm not a like I speak English. Uh I don't speak two languages like this guy, but uh um yeah, but I've looked into it because I would only have to work for 11 years and then I Could retire.

SPEAKER_00 44:01

Yeah. See, like that's awesome. And it's so interesting because I know I have friends that are mail carriers, and it's a tough job, like, especially the ones that have to like carry the bag and walk up and down. The people that just sit in the truck and just like toss it out the window onto your lawn. Cake.

SPEAKER_02 44:16

Yeah, I would like to be. You know what's so funny? This uh again, this is why we're soulmate soulmates. I say me I say male carrier too. Oh, really? Yes. And somebody recently made fun of me because I said mail male carrier. Why? Because it was old fashioned.

SPEAKER_00 44:40

What are we supposed to say?

SPEAKER_02 44:42

Not sure.

SPEAKER_00 44:43

It's definitely male carrier because not it's if you say male man.

SPEAKER_02 44:50

Yeah, mailman. That's what you're supposed to say. Mailman.

SPEAKER_00 44:53

No, it's mail carrier because they're not only men. Some of them are lesbians, for example.

SPEAKER_02 45:02

Your joke was better than what I was gonna say.

SPEAKER_00 45:07

Yeah, I mean that like this whole thing that like we're not allowed to say inclusive terms because that's not America. Well, it's just kind of dumb. Like what is the difference? Like certain things I just can't wrap my head around. Like, oh, you're not supposed to say policeman. Or you have to say policeman. Why? Police officer. Oh, it's not a it's a fireman. It's a firefighter. Like, what's the difference? Why can't we just be why can't we just be inclusive on that and acknowledge that we have male and female or whoever in these roles? Who cares?

SPEAKER_02 45:47

I feel like you needed to get this out.

SPEAKER_00 45:50

It bothers me. It bothers me that there's like groups of people that are like, oh, I only say Merry Christmas. Like, okay, you're an asshole. Like, it's fine to wish somebody Merry Christmas, but also like if I'm at the grocery store and I say it to the cashier, I don't know what they celebrate. Have a nice holiday. I really hope you enjoy your holidays this season.

SPEAKER_02 46:13

See, that's the thing though. Like, I think um, and I you might have disagree with this, and uh maybe we should have left this for the deep end or something, but I think me saying Merry Christmas um is like saying, hey, this is what this is what I'm doing. And I I hope that time, like that that time is great for you. Yeah, so your sentiment is the same, right? Right, but uh that's what I think that it is. Um I do think so. I have no problem with people like people being like happy holidays. I do have a problem with Kwanzaa because that's basically made up. Um it is, they made the whole thing up. First of all, so is Christmas. Yeah, except Christmas is going on for a long time. Like, we could talk about the entire history of Kwanzaa and who invented it and everything, and it's a little like uh it's it's not on the up and up. Also, it it it's not, it's really bad, but anyway, let's not go, let's not do this because there's one there's only one true holiday, anyway.

SPEAKER_00 47:33

You know what it is.

SPEAKER_01 47:39

Oh, it's festivist. Festivals, of course, yeah, of course, festivists, yeah.

SPEAKER_02 47:46

I went to the Super Bowl first. I was like, it's a super bowl, but that's not true.

SPEAKER_00 47:49

No, that's not it. Should be Super Bowl, should be a national holiday. Can we get on that train? Should be a national holiday. It's on a Sunday night always. At least at least now they moved up to like 6 p.m. So I'm not like a zombie the next day, but just put it on the Saturday. Or make it a holiday.

SPEAKER_02 48:06

Uh make it a holiday, yeah. We should get Monday off. We should get Monday off. Well, it really pisses me off because like it's just like President's Day and Martin Luther King Day. But like, why am I not getting that day off? I don't get it. I don't get it either. I don't get it. It it's President's Day. I think Yeah, actually, I've never really thought about President's Day, but you're right. I think it should be a law. If the bank's closed, I should be closed.

SPEAKER_00 48:36

Agree. The whole the hard part about that is I th I think it's well, it's business dependent. I don't think it's state dependent, but like it's business dependent, and like we have a 24-hour facility, so like we can't close. But they we also we also pay double for working holidays. So if you want to what most time most of the time we get enough volunteers that want it anyway.

SPEAKER_02 49:00

Oh yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, I think it's crazy. The other thing it should be a holiday. If the holiday lands on a Saturday, you still get a three-day weekend.

SPEAKER_00 49:10

Most businesses and most like corporations will do that. Like Fourth of July this year was on a Saturday. So we didn't have off around it. Our business is small though.

SPEAKER_01 49:21

I'm not gonna mention.

SPEAKER_00 49:24

But I know one that that doesn't do this. Um, like I didn't have a I don't have a problem with that because they're they're really good to us regardless. And uh most of the time like uh surrounding a holiday, we'll we'll just only work a half day anyway. So like that's not a big deal. But right the but like major corporations almost always give you that day around it.

SPEAKER_01 49:53

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 49:53

Well, you know what? Um, and I will concede the day after Thanksgiving, a veterinarian veterinary hospital should be open because that's one of those days you make your gravy.

SPEAKER_00 50:04

Yeah, nice, very nice.

SPEAKER_01 50:10

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 50:13

Man.

SPEAKER_02 50:14

All right. Uh let's get into your regret, because you know how we were on time?

SPEAKER_00 50:19

Yeah, we are off now, huh? Yeah. This won't take long. My car still doesn't have AC.

SPEAKER_01 50:31

Wait a second. What do you mean, still? Okay.

SPEAKER_00 50:40

I got my car two years ago. It is brand new. Off the lot. It had four miles on it. Four. Nice. The but I bought it in winter. So I come around to the summer and I realize, hmm, there's no cold air coming out of my vents. So I there's a there's a place directly next to where I work, so I drop it off there. I walk to work, I let them know what's going on. They look in and they said, Oh, there's no freon in this, and there's not even residue. So I bet you on the lot, like just like missed filling it with the freon. This happens sometimes. We'll fill it for you. Great, no big deal. It works for two weeks. Then uh I'm trying to figure out what's wrong with it, but it also costs money, also costs time. I don't have the time to always bring it in. And so, and by the time it broke, it was there was only like maybe a week and a half left, and then it got cold again. So it rolls around to like this past March, and I'm like, I really got to deal with this problem when I get to the summer. So I bring it in, I make an appointment to for them to you know do some things like oil change and all that stuff, and then hey, there's something wrong with the AC, I need that fixed too. So I make the appointment, I tell them all the problems, and they're like, great, we'll schedule that day. So I bring it in that day, and it was a Saturday, and I said, okay, so we're just doing the oil change and tire rotation today, right? I said, Oh, and the AC, it's on the thing. Like, oh, we can't do that today. What do you mean you can't do that today? Oh no, the AC guy only works weekdays. Like, that would have been a great thing to tell me when I made the appointment. So I'm like, whatever. I guess I'll just bring it back, do the things you need to do here, whatever. So I bring it back again. I said, okay, so are we gonna be able to fix this today? And they're like, oh no. We can diagnose it today. Like, diagnose the AC, the AC doesn't work. Done. Like, and then she's like, oh, and it's a Pathfinder. So yeah, I we I know exactly what it is. This part's brought like this has been a problem with this year and model, and that this part of the AC isn't is not good. And yeah, I'm really sorry about that, but it's all under warranty. We'll take care of all of it. Okay, great. When can we get that done? They're like, oh, I don't know. What? What do you mean you don't know? Yeah, what do you mean you don't know? They're like, oh, we we're gonna have to order the part, and because now it's getting close to summer, everyone's ordering the part, so now it's on back order. I said, so wait a minute. You guys know that this is an active problem in all Pathfinders of this year specifically. You don't just like have the part laying around because you absolutely know how many were sold like at this dealership. So why don't you just like order one per one that went off the lot? And guess what? If you don't use it, you sell it to some other bastard who needs it. Right. I digress. Whatever, I'm on the list to get the part, but I want you to know when this happened. I that last appointment I went to where they're like, oh yep, we're gonna order that part for you. That was the first week of May. And just so we're clear, today is the 28th of July. Yeah, yeah. And so I'm I just know I'm not gonna see, like nothing's gonna get fixed with it until far after the summer. I'm I'm hoping for the fall, but I'm not gonna get this fixed probably until probably December. I just know it because that's how much that's how shit works for me. And this past year, my snowblower breaks before the big snowstorms hit, and we got hit with like seven of them. I didn't get my snowblower back until after the snow was completely gone.

SPEAKER_02 54:40

This is amazing. Well, you know what? Um let's hope for the fall, and let's hope for some really warm days in the fall. And you'll get to use it. Yeah, because the best part is if it's in in December, I can't even test it.

SPEAKER_00 54:55

Yeah, you won't even know if it works. Yeah, it's all cold. No, it's it's all cold. It's all cold. Yeah, well, she's usually cold air coming out of here. Yeah, because the vents on. Yeah, yeah.

SPEAKER_02 55:08

That's amazing. Oh my god, what a nightmare.

SPEAKER_00 55:12

Yeah, so I just like basically every day I just drink enough water and hope I don't pass out on the way home. It's fine.

SPEAKER_02 55:19

Yeah. Oh man. Now I'm gonna be worried. Like, if I don't hear from you by like 4 15, I'm gonna be like, oh my god, where is he? Where did he do it in his car? Is it really hot? I'm gonna check the weather and be like, is it really hot in Buffalo right now?

SPEAKER_00 55:36

Yeah, dude, I I feel I'm driving home every day and I just feel like that little kid in the grocery store parking lot last week I saw.

SPEAKER_01 55:52

What? I'm just kidding. Did I miss something? No. What?

SPEAKER_00 56:03

Um, this reminds me of a joke. I'm all over the place today. I'm not like I don't know what's going on with me lately. Uh we don't have time. Never mind.

SPEAKER_01 56:15

How many, how many, how many beers have you had?

SPEAKER_00 56:18

Uh well, let's see. It's Tuesday at 5 45 p.m. So 11. All of them. Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 56:31

Oh man. Did you learn anything from this whole entire experience?

SPEAKER_00 56:36

Um no. I'm hoping they did. No, they didn't. They didn't learn anything. Yeah, no. Like, and then I keep getting yelled at because Sam wants me to like pitch them out about it. But like, I I work in a service industry. I know that's not going to help. If anything, that'll make it worse when my part does come in. They'll call the other guy that needs it first. Like, so you just gotta you just gotta eat it.

SPEAKER_02 56:59

Yeah, you don't you can't bitch. It's not like you're at a restaurant. You cannot bitch at the people fixing your car.

SPEAKER_00 57:08

No, yeah, because I don't know enough about it. Like, I can make an outstanding ZD. So if I you know what I mean? So I can bitch at them about how horrible this ZD is, and like I think that's all fine. However, I don't agree with sending food back and then having it sent back out because they're going to mess with the food. So I if I'm if I'm I've never sent something back in my life, I just sit there and I take it and I let them know that it was terrible, but I'm not sending it back. I will either suffer through or I will just I've I've sent food back before. You sent it back and then re-received it.

SPEAKER_02 57:45

Yeah. Oof. I've eaten zombies. I've eaten somebody's bodily fluids for sure. Oh, definitely. Yeah. Um, we went to a restaurant once and um there was um metal in um Paige's pasta. Oh, holy shit. It was like um the like the metal, the circle y metal things from like a scrub brush. Oh my god. Yeah. I was pissed. And they like they comped, I think they comped her food or made her a new one, but they didn't, they should have taken care of the whole bill, and I'll no never go back to that place. It's called Manja Mia's in uh Sandy Hook. This trash Italian food, anyway, fucking blows.

SPEAKER_00 58:38

I mean, that's a scenario, that's a completely different scenario. That one's like a health concern, that has to be taken care of. Same thing if like you get a like a chicken breast or something and it's still raw in the middle, like you that's unsafe. That has to be sent back. But if it's like if so like I've spin with people where they send it back because the short ribs they ordered were dry.

SPEAKER_03 59:02

Yeah, it's not right, yeah.

SPEAKER_02 59:04

They should have cooked it. It's kind of a gamble sometimes. The only time I'll I like so I we were at that steakhouse and there was a lot of us, um, and everything was wrong, everything was wrong. And the fucking Twat, she said some shit. She pissed me off. She was so rude and mean to my sister. I had I had it. I was you don't fuck with my sister. Um, so all the food went back, and all the food was they they paid for the like a $500 bill because I was so pissed off. There it is. There it is. We we did give the waitress like a hundred bucks or something like that.

SPEAKER_00 59:47

Because it wasn't really her fault, right?

SPEAKER_02 59:49

Yeah, it wasn't her fault. It was the kitchen and the the girl that was rude to my sister.

SPEAKER_00 59:54

Yeah, different person. Yeah. To take that 500 bones and go right to Denny's eggs over my hammy.

SPEAKER_02 1:00:01

Let's go. Oh my god, I can't. No. You and my dad should hang out. He loves that shit.

SPEAKER_00 1:00:06

I hate Denny's, dude. Oh, really? I just think what's actually the the dish is called moons over my hammy. Before that's before I get trashed for the fact that I have a spinning helmet over here. I don't want that to be the next thing. All right.

SPEAKER_02 1:00:24

Um, things I hate. And um we're this is we're still in the movie theme, I guess. Um, but I hate movies with terrible endings, and uh, and what I mean is I I hate great movies with terrible endings. Like, why do some movies build towards something like really meaningful and then the last 15 minutes just completely collapse? Like, did you like forget what we were doing here? Did you just not know how to how to finish it? Um, did you get distracted? Are you working on something else? What's going on? And when you were like finishing the movie, you didn't you didn't realize you were like, fuck, this sucks. I I don't understand it. I watched a move, I watched a movie, I think it was last night. It was either last night or the night before. I can't remember. But it's called The Long Walk. Have you seen this? This sounds familiar. The Long Walk, uh, I'm pretty sure it's a Stephen King book. Uh and they've the they adapted for the screen. Mark Hamill's in it. And basically, it's um, yeah, I don't know why we didn't mention him. Like maybe next year at the second two guys movies award, movie awards. Why do I keep doing that? Um we do a um like a best voice actor category. Oh yeah, he's oh my god. Yeah, he would win, hands down. His Joker is incredible. Um, but anyway, so he's in it. There's a lot of other like like very, very talented actors in this movie, um, but um not any really big names except for man, I can't remember her fucking name. Must be a really big name. Do you remember the uh escort from um Californication that would show up every once in a while?

SPEAKER_00 1:02:38

Oh my god, I can see the face.

SPEAKER_02 1:02:41

She was also in Jurassic Park. Um she's so talented, and I can't remember her name.

SPEAKER_00 1:02:50

She was also in Jurassic Park. The original?

SPEAKER_02 1:02:52

No, no, no, no, no. The uh uh the remake with Chris Bratt. I'm gonna look this up real quick. Um Bryce Dallas Howard? No, no, no. Her sister. Because I want to give her credit because she's just so Judy Greer. Yeah, Judy Greer's great. Yeah, Judy Greer, she's incredible. She was in it, she did a great job. Um, but anyway, back to the movie. The film is basically set in this dystopian society. There was an American Civil War, and now the government controls um all the media, and you're not allowed to listen to like certain music, read certain books, whatever, right? But the economy is failing, so every year they pick fifty, it's kind of like the Hunger Games, they pick one boy from every state to walk until there's only one of them left. And um so if like you don't if you're you have to walk above three miles per hour, and if you slow down beyond that point, like beyond that, um uh you get a warning. If you get three warnings within out within an hour, they kill you. If you step off the concrete, they kill you. If you do something wild, they'll kill you. So anyway, um the film really focuses on these two kids, Pete and Ray. And they build this friendship while they're walking and they're miserable, they're seeing all these people killed behind them, right? And raise it. Do you want me to spoil this movie for you, or do you want to watch? Go ahead. All right. I'm gonna spoil it for everybody else. So uh, if you want to watch the long walk, pause it right here. Uh, come back to us, tell us what you think. Um, after you watch it, tell me what you think um about the ending because I hated it. So Pete and Ray build this like great, incredible friendship in like four days, right? Um, and Ray explains his backstory, and he his so if you win the long walk, you get tons of money and you get one wish. And his wish is he wants a gun so he can kill the major. And it's uh pure revenge because the major is the one who killed his dad, blah blah blah blah blah, right? And um Pete's like the whole time pointing out how beautiful life is, and you know, you can change things, and you don't want to do this for revenge, blah, you know, and it's just this great like human connection between these two people, and it's like so you finally get it comes down to Pete and Ray, obviously, right? They're the last two. And um Ray sacrifices his. Himself to keep Pete alive. So he just stops and lets Pete go. And Pete dies, obviously.

SPEAKER_00 1:06:08

Obviously.

SPEAKER_02 1:06:10

So instead of Ray. Excuse me. Hold on. Hold on. So instead of Ray making a wish like he wants to speak to the entire country on TV and telling all the boys' stories and what they fought for and raised outlook on the long walk and how much like he wanted things to change and like you know, you know, create some sort of spark so the country would change. What does fucking rate rate or Pete do? He asks for a gun, kills the major, end of the fucking movie. But there's so much buildup. Right. There's so many layers. There's so much complexity. Yeah, the whole time Ray is talking about how he wants to create some sort of change in the American people. And then Pete is telling him that's not going to change anything. Like, you're not going to do this with revenge. You're going to do it, you know, being who you are and the kind of person you are, and lifting people up and seeing people for who they are and what they are. Um, and seeing the beautiful side of things, and then you just get Pete doing the taking revenge. It was the dumbest thing. I couldn't believe it.

unknown 1:07:44

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 1:07:44

Yeah, it does suck when it's kind of such a letdown like that. Um, I do think that happens in TV more than it in movies, though. Like series finales are almost always terrible.

SPEAKER_02 1:07:55

Well, yeah, they gotta they want to keep you coming back, so it's gonna be a stupid cliffhanger. Oh, series finale, not the season finale.

SPEAKER_00 1:08:04

Oh no, season finale, I get the cliffhanger because it gets me wanting to come back. Let's go. I like that. Like, keep me interested. But series finale, almost always terrible. Well, here's the reason why.

SPEAKER_02 1:08:17

Because the good ones, right? They always want to keep it going for an extra season or two when they should have ended it where they were. Yes. So so they take it past that where that organic ending is. They take it past that, and they're like, what the fuck do we do now?

SPEAKER_00 1:08:36

Yes, you noticed that with um uh The Sopranos, for example. Oh god, don't get me started in the split. And you and you knew something weird was going on with HBO because like in the the last season, they in the last like two episodes, everybody dies. And like all like all this crazy shit is like happening, and then never that it didn't follow the cadence like before. Now, I don't know if they were trying to depict like the downfall of this kind of mafia family, but or if they just knew that you know we're getting we're we're getting pulled off the network, we're getting canceled, so let's just wrap this up. Um but sometimes you can kind of tell. So HBO started doing this new thing, and they have this, they had this deal with Danny McBride, where they would give him two seasons, and he would take, I thought it was so smart, he would take you would get two seasons, write a show, put it out there, end it, good to go. The caveat is like righteous gemstones, did so well after they wrapped up, they brought it back for two more seasons, which was a mistake. It's not as good. Yeah, and you know, that's that's where we're at. There's a couple of shows I thought it did it the right way. Parks and Rec, I thought was excellent the way that they ended that series.

SPEAKER_02 1:09:52

Oh, I really yeah, I really enjoyed that too. Yeah, yeah. I liked I liked seeing the the stupid future and seeing where everybody is.

SPEAKER_00 1:10:00

Yeah, and I think that uh New Girl did like the same thing.

SPEAKER_02 1:10:04

Yeah, they did. Uh yeah, it's funny too watching that because um uh ever uh whenever I watched that ending when you when they show Jess and um Nick's kid, he's wearing a a Bears Trubisky um jersey. Yeah, and I every time I see it, I'm like, damn who would let their kid wear that stupid fucking jersey? It's a former I would never put that shit on my my kid. No way. Former Buffalo Bill's great. Yeah, Mr. Brisky. Mr. Brisky. All right, all right, you got a you got a thing you hate today?

SPEAKER_00 1:10:49

Uh yeah, I'll make this really quick. I fucking hate the letter Q. It's so stupid. What why is this a letter? Why is Q a thing? Well, it's it's not even like a unique letter. It's just it just looks like a an O that is like smoking. It's a chain smoking O.

SPEAKER_02 1:11:21

Yeah, it's one of those people they don't use their hands to smoke. Yeah, just hanging out.

SPEAKER_00 1:11:27

Just as a cigarette time, just ripping a fucking dart all the time. Q. And it's also useless without the letter U. And that's what pisses me off so much about it. We don't need you. Like the letter Q, I just don't understand what what purpose it serves, right? It makes the cut sound. You could do that with a K or a C. It's the same thing. K U. And you know how I know that Q is useless? Ask you this question. You ever play boggle?

SPEAKER_02 1:12:14

I've never played boggle. I I don't I I don't know what it is. You don't know what boggle is at all? Not really. I think there's a cup, is there a cup or like something that shakes letters or something? Yes.

SPEAKER_00 1:12:27

Yes, and all the letters are on different die, and then the you know, that ends up and you gotta find words in there. Well, the q is always paired with the you on the same die. It's the same thing, it's in the same space. That's how you know it's useless because you can't even play a children's board game without the you, you dumb fucking q. You ain't shit. You just like your father.

unknown 1:12:53

Just like your father.

SPEAKER_01 1:12:57

Oh man. Can I ask you a question?

SPEAKER_02 1:12:59

Yeah. When did this start bothering you? One week ago. Wait. Uh I've ruined it. One week ago. Can I ask you another question?

SPEAKER_01 1:13:14

Yeah. What happened a week ago? Um, I thought about it.

SPEAKER_00 1:13:28

I thought about it. I don't like because I I write a lot at work and and I type a lot, and like I'm question and quit inquisitive. Like, what what are we doing? Like, you can accomplish the same goal. Like, quit KWIT, done. Done. Done. Done. Man. We gotta use a Q for this question KW. Done. Done. You can get rid of a lot of U's, too. Uh yes. Now you his fucking back is broken from carrying Q everywhere.

SPEAKER_02 1:14:16

Well, hold on. I do have to say something though. Yeah. But aren't you just creating the same problem for K and W now? K is useless without W. No. You can still throw a Q like the U in there.

SPEAKER_00 1:14:31

Like, and question? K U, question, it's the same thing. You could even put a C in there for the K.

SPEAKER_02 1:14:38

That'd be cuss custom? Quest K? Quit maybe it is question. Oof.

SPEAKER_00 1:14:45

Yes. I don't know. That's what I mean. You can even throw it the you can even throw a tag at the end of Iraq. I R A C.

SPEAKER_02 1:14:52

I R A C. Yeah. Yeah, if you want to be crazy, you can be I-R-A-C-K. Iraq. Yeah. I sure do. Man. I am so sorry that you're going through this.

SPEAKER_01 1:15:11

I just don't like why?

SPEAKER_02 1:15:16

Why is it a letter? I don't know, but I I think this is great what you've done. Because you basically made the alphabet 25 letters instead of um instead of 26. You've reduced it by one. Honestly, the like a keyboard.

SPEAKER_00 1:15:37

You know how much more space you have? How much bigger all the keys could be? If we got rid of the fucking Q. It's all the way by the way, the keyboard's designed based on how many, like the like the letters and how often you use them. That's why Q is on most people's non-dominant side, the left, all the way in the fucking corner near the tab. Because no one ever fucking uses it.

SPEAKER_02 1:16:04

This is wild to me. I can't believe you hate this so much. Alright. I I we start we start here, dude. We make a change today. At least here in America. No more cues, guys. Let's get rid of the fucking cues. Wait, hold on. No, listen, I'm a reasonable fella. If we get rid of the cues, what are we gonna call the balls?

SPEAKER_01 1:16:32

What? The ball the balls for pool.

SPEAKER_00 1:16:46

We'll call it the K-ball. The K-ball? The K-ball. Hey, all right, K-ball. Here's the thing though. I'm a reasonable fella. So anybody watching this segment, if you could tell me what purpose the Q provides that could not be accomplished with other existing letters, I'm willing to listen. Wow. I cannot think of anything. I can't think of a relevance for it.

SPEAKER_02 1:17:13

Alright. Well, hopefully, hopefully somebody hopefully gives us something.

SPEAKER_00 1:17:19

I don't know. Alright. The word inquisitive. I N C W could still be a U.

SPEAKER_02 1:17:34

Wow. Alright, we gotta move on. I've got something that I want to get to, and we've haven't been able to. So uh those are the things that we hate this week. Um fortunately, we're about to move into a much healthier conversation about fighting and an unlimited arm army of children. Who writes this garbage? Um, this is what I did because um uh like uh me and my friend Nicole um at work were constantly like giving each other hypotheticals and this and that. So I thought it would be fun to like come up with like a really crazy one um and talk about it here. So uh what I did was I asked ChatGBT Chat GBT to find me some viral like hypothetical things, and this is the one I thought was funniest. Um, and I think uh chat GBT stole it from Reddit, not sure. But yeah, um you're in a room and you're gonna be attacked by an unlimited army of kindergartners. All right. And I kind of want to see how long you think you're gonna last. All right, so I'm gonna go over the rules and everything like that. Um you're trapped in an empty, empty classroom. The room's approximately 40 feet wide and 25 feet deep. Every 30 seconds, five kindergartners are going to be released into the classroom. They're unarmed, they punch, they kick, they scratch, and bite. Their goal is to dog pile you and pin you, and if they hold you down for 15 consecutive seconds, you lose. Um, to eliminate them from the room, you must knock the kindergartner unconscious. Once unconscious, they disappear from the room. You're unarmed, you can't leave, you the room is completely empty, so there's no weapons of opportunity or anything like that, and most importantly, there are no moral or legal consequences. So, all right, so um, how long are you lasting? So this is let me give you some math real quick. Okay. If five are entering the room every 30 seconds, 10 enter every minute, after five minutes, you're facing 50 kindergartners, and you have to knock out each one. So you have to average one knockout every six seconds just to keep the room from filling.

SPEAKER_00 1:20:32

Yeah. Whoa, this is such a good one. Um so 40 40 feet by 25 feet.

SPEAKER_01 1:20:47

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 1:20:48

It's approximately the size of the room I'm in. It's not that big. No.

SPEAKER_02 1:20:54

It's a regular classroom, you know.

SPEAKER_00 1:20:58

However, very fast. So I think if the goal is how many minutes could I last, I think I could evade for two or three waves. So that's a minute and a half.

SPEAKER_01 1:21:13

All right.

SPEAKER_00 1:21:14

How many, how many but I don't think that's the strategy.

SPEAKER_02 1:21:19

Yeah, what's your opening strategy here?

SPEAKER_00 1:21:22

Yeah, so like you could evade, but you're not knocking any of any of those kids out. So like you don't, you're not gonna progress. Like, they're gonna there's gonna be too many within five minutes. 50 in five minutes is way too many, right? Like going to pin you. Um I think if I were to attack, I think I could last. Um honestly, I think I would a minute and a half. Just a minute and a half? Well, think about it.

SPEAKER_02 1:21:57

It's 15 knockouts. Yeah, so how how many how many knockouts are you getting, you think? I think I'm getting before you're pinned.

SPEAKER_00 1:22:07

Oh I think I'm getting like six six to eight knockouts of the fifteen. And then that fourth wave comes in on toast. Six to eight. Wow. Yeah, so the only reason I say this is okay, so after we go to softball, we always go to this one bar after we have our wings, and then the bar right next door, we pop in, we play some pool, but they have the punching bag machine there. So of course we all do it. I am easily one of the smallest guys on our team, and I crush in the punching game. Well, you got a you got a you got a good center of gravity. I got a low center of gravity, but I also it's like a throwing motion, right? So you really get you really get your turn into it. And so if I approached each child's face like that, um, I think I could, I think I could one punch like three of them.

SPEAKER_01 1:23:11

Yeah?

SPEAKER_00 1:23:12

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 1:23:13

Okay, all right.

SPEAKER_00 1:23:14

Alright. Um like that poor bastard that walks in first. Obviously, he's a bastard child. He's he's getting the hammer, dude. But then I would sputter out and I'd have to evade, and then by then I'm overtaken. Yeah, do you do you think you eventually you just panic? You're like, I gotta get out of here. Yeah, well, it's like any zombie video game you've ever played, right? They just keep coming, and they keep coming, you're like, uh let me hightail it out of here, and you go out of there. That would be me in this scenario.

SPEAKER_02 1:23:46

Well, so this is what I think I would do, right? Um I would pick because how much does a kindergartner weigh? Like 50, 60 pounds. I feel like I feel like that's a lot. But you're probably right. Alright. So let's I'm not sure, but let's say 60. All right, like you know what? Let's look this up. I want to know. Um wait a second. I didn't even think about kicking.

SPEAKER_01 1:24:21

This is such a dumb question.

SPEAKER_02 1:24:24

What's the average weight of a kindergartner? You might want to erase that. 40 to 45 pounds. I know the FBI's coming.

SPEAKER_00 1:24:33

Yeah, but I want to erase that surge history.

SPEAKER_02 1:24:36

Yeah, Cash Patel showed up at my apartment and I don't have any booze in the fucking house.

SPEAKER_00 1:24:41

Yeah, well, he's gonna show up with his girlfriend on the way to a concert. Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 1:24:46

So 40 pounds, right? So those first initial five kids, I'm sizing up. I want, I want, you know, the I want an average the most average out of all of them. Like, who's like middle of the road? I want, I don't want the biggest, I don't want the smallest, and I'm immediately going to knock out the biggest and the smallest, and I'm keeping that that that middle one, right? I'm gonna grab that motherfucker by his feet, and I'm gonna start using him to hit the other kindergarteners.

unknown 1:25:30

Oh my god.

SPEAKER_00 1:25:35

Oh my god. And I don't think that's against the rules. No, because you're not armed, but that doesn't mean you can't be creative. Right.

SPEAKER_02 1:25:45

The other thing, too, is you don't have to just you don't have to punch them. You could launch 40 pounds into one of those walls because you don't remember school, there's those big brick walls, those white brick walls. Yeah, you just launch them.

SPEAKER_00 1:26:01

All you gotta do is face palm one of them.

SPEAKER_02 1:26:03

Yeah. So I I so but believe me, uh, with my back and everything, I am probably lasting with this strategy. I'm probably lasting about four minutes 15 seconds or so. That's pretty good. Uh uh, yeah. I don't I don't think I'm uh I don't think I'm lasting very long. Uh I saw some people thought they could last for like an hour.

SPEAKER_00 1:26:30

Oh, you're out of your you're out of your mind. Out of your mind. Out of your mind. Uh I think maybe like the liver king could probably do it. The liver king. Oh man. But I didn't think about this either. Like, I could wear steel-toed boots.

SPEAKER_01 1:26:54

Ooh, yeah.

SPEAKER_02 1:26:57

Steel-toed boots. All right. Um, yeah, and like that front kick's not going to be too hard. Like their face is in the right place, I feel like.

SPEAKER_00 1:27:08

Perfect place. Yeah. Perfect place. Boom. Punt one of those bitches right of the uh right into the window. So um like I will say though, the entire time I would take one of those kids and be like, to the window!

SPEAKER_02 1:27:29

Uh no little John during this. That I forgot. That's one of the rules.

SPEAKER_00 1:27:33

Oh, it's one of the rules. No little John. Yeah, no little John. Okay. What? Okay. Um, I think you would last longer than I would, though. Because I'm fat? No. Um, I mean, you have a military background. I've never been in a fight in my life. I'm too fast. You've never been in a fight no because growing up I was always like way smaller I'm still smaller than everybody else but back then I was like small and scrawny so I was never I was never dumb enough to yeah I was never dumb enough to try to get into a physical education of fisticuffs but I never never been punched in the face never been punched in the face um but it is because I am too fast my mouth would do most of the win the fighting for me and I would say something really witty like as a group of people around I would say something really funny and they would all love it and the guy would always get mad and then by before I anyone could take a swing I'm I'm out of there.

SPEAKER_02 1:28:43

Oh I I recommend everybody get punched in the face at least once in your life. Yeah doctor's orders well here's here's the thing I like so what like getting punched in the face it's disorienting. It rocks you right I imagine I I think you should understand what that feels like just in case somebody does punch you in the face in the future so you're prepared for it.

SPEAKER_00 1:29:15

Yeah I just I'm way too charming to get punched in the face oh let's see not me I used to when I was in my 20s this was years ago you know um yeah that's this was like 40 50 years ago yeah I uh I would go to the bar and I'd get I'd start getting drunk and I'd start going up to strangers and I would like put my arm around them and I'd just look at them and I'd be like don't make it weird bro don't make it weird and yes this would make people so angry really yeah this would make people so angry and be like and uh get into a fight all the time all the time I'd do it I'd be in um because I lived in the south for a long time I'd go out to bars wearing my Yankee hat just fucking with people yeah this is crazy because if some dude like you walked up to me in the bar put his arm around me and said don't make it weird bro I'm I'm in I'm into the bit the whole time yeah some people get into it but you would be my best friend the entire night yes every once in a while somebody'd be into it and it would be a great night um I am I'm also like I'm I'm pretty confident I could go out tonight and do this and eight out of ten would I would like we we we would make it cool. No people would it's my face. Well I think it's your step you're a tall guy I and like everyone knows I'm not a threat. You can take one look and know that this guy he ain't ever been in a fight all right uh last time I was punched in the face it was pretty it was actually really funny I was at a bar and I used to be one of those people who even in the winter wore shorts um and I we got a lot of those in Buffalo what's that we got a lot of those in Buffalo oh really um so I I'm in a bar I'm wearing shorts it's the middle of January probably and um some guy was like don't act like um don't act like you're not cold or stop pretending you're not cold and I was like well stop pretending you're not a pussy and dude this guy nailed it by the way this guy rocked me um it was like I said pussy and I was getting hit in the face like the Y was just escaping my lips and he hit me so hard in the face I fell over and I was like oh my god I just got hit in the face and I'm trying to get up um and like uh I was trying to get up and I'm like I totally fucking deserve that uh so did you just leave or you you were were you like oh no they kicked they kicked the guy out I got another drink yeah good for you yeah they yeah they kicked him out um but hey I got a really cool story about the last time I was punched in the face yeah there was one time in Columbus Sam uh tried to get me into a fight why so I forget I forget what the occasion was we were at like we were at some bar down downtown uh with like a big group of us you know a lot of people went and uh the one of the bouncers there and this this was fucked up one of the bouncers there he was like 6'3 and ripped the dude would look like he was carved out of marble gorgeous really he was this huge dude but he kept dance he kept dancing up on on the girls in our group and they didn't like it was really making them uncomfortable um and then so like one of the girls was like oh no don't like please stop doing that and then he just like turned to all of us and he was like I'll kick all of you guys out of here I don't give a shit and like we're like dude like what like why are you being an asshole? So Sam was like livid as she should be like protecting her friends and like this is fucked up what this guy's doing she's like Jeff do something about it and and I look at the guy and I'm like and I look back at Sam I can look back at this guy I'm like I mean to do a fight him all right go find a stepladder yeah no I'm not gonna fight this guy first of all I don't like that anyway I'm not a fighter you know like there's gotta be a way we can figure this out also we can leave like they don't this bar doesn't need to take our money and could continue to stay here. They would have made more money if this guy wasn't being like this but instead we're gonna leave and so what I ended up doing was not fighting this guy but I told a bunch of different groups of people that I didn't know watch out for this guy he's doing this and they all left too so that now that now that place missed out on all this money because of that guy. Wow that was really going to hurt that business. That's very mature and forward thinking at that age I would have been drunk and I would have totally have gotten my ass kicked yeah just like uh to result to to resort to like actual violence there's very few scenarios I can see myself doing that like if we were if we were like you know at the bar or something like downtown and somebody put their hands on Sam I will see red and I will lose it and I promise you I will win like that will that I I hope it never happens but me too but like that that's like one of the few scenarios I can think of or if somebody were to like maybe you should hire maybe you should you should hire a guy to just punch you in the face oh my god I should like 50 bucks here just hit me.

SPEAKER_02 1:35:47

Wait to punch me in the face yeah yeah oh no that sounds like a terrible idea oh okay never mind I take it back that was about I didn't mean it all right let's get back to all right so the moneymaker who's last lasting longer in this this uh kindergartner pileup honestly dude I think there's no question you'll outlast me i may i i do think i'd probably make it longer than a minute and a half like i think i'm i think i'm being really conservative but i do think that you would outlast me for sure okay all right yeah i think so too i think my strategy was better than yours your strategy's way better i didn't get that creative with it and at the height that you're at you could grab two of those motherfuckers by your arms and spin or you could just you knock their heads together yeah yeah maybe I would last like what you said like five minutes I think I could last I don't know though five minutes fifty fifty of them that's a lot I think I maybe get three total three minutes I get I yeah I think I I think with my I think with my strategy I'm lasting like four four four minutes fifteen seconds yeah yeah if you win all right definitely definitely Eric this was a complete waste of time I'm glad we did this this was this was awesome we need to do more of these I agree uh yeah let's let's come up with other scenarios of how we could hit kindergartners and not get in turn before my god all right we gotta go that's it for this week two guys no credentials where the questions are stupid the answers are worse and somehow we still learn nothing like follow and subscribe and lower your expectations good night everyone Woogie Boogie Woogie Boogie