13 - The Woman in the Mirror Doesn’t Look Like You Anymore

The Woman in the Mirror Doesn’t Look Like You Anymore

Skin, hair, and the physical changes nobody prepared you for

In this episode:

There’s a moment where you catch your reflection and think: when did that happen? Not in a dramatic way. In a quiet, disoriented way. Because the woman in the glass doesn’t match who you feel like inside. I’m talking about the visible changes of menopause — the skin that’s thinner and drier, the hair that’s changing, the face that looks different. I explain the collagen-oestrogen connection, separate the skincare that actually works from the stuff that’s just expensive hope in a jar, and tackle the identity question underneath it all: who are you when your body looks different?

Your One Thing this week:

Two things, both free. Put SPF on your face tomorrow morning before you leave the house. And drink an extra glass of water today. Sun protection and hydration — the two most evidence-backed, least glamorous interventions for your skin.

Links:

→ Grab the free 5 Riviera Standards Starter Guide: https://rivieramenopausemethod.kit.com/5-riviera-standards

→ Follow Riviera Menopause on Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/rivieramenopause/

If this resonated, send it to the woman who’s been quietly struggling with how she looks and not telling anyone.

Transcript

SPEAKER_00 0:00

I was walking past a window, not looking at it, walking past it, and I caught my reflection. And for about half a second I didn't recognise myself. Not in a dramatic, cinematic type way, but in a quiet, slightly confused way, because the woman in the glass looked tired. She looked older than I feel. Her skin looked different, her jawline had softened, her hair was thinner than it used to be, and she was carrying herself like someone who wasn't quite sure that she wanted to be seen. And I thought, huh. When did that happen? Not when did I get older, we all know the answer to that, but when did the outside stop matching the inside? Because inside I still feel like me. But the woman in the window looked like she had a harder decade than I thought I'd had. If you've ever had that moment, that split second disorientation between who you are and who you see, this episode is for you. We're talking about the visible changes, and we're not going to pretend they don't matter. The skin, the hair, the face, the body that is visibly, undeniably changing. I want to do something specific with this episode. I refuse to minimise these changes with just embrace it platitudes. And I refuse to treat them as a crisis that requires a shopping basket full of serums. I want to sit somewhere in the middle. These changes are real. They're physical and they're not trivial. There are things that will help and things that are just expensive hope in a jar. So let's sort out which is which. Here's what's going on, and once you understand this, the change makes a lot more sense. Estrogen plays a major role in collagen production, and collagen is the protein that gives your skin its structure, its firmness, and its elasticity. It's the scaffolding. And when estrogen declines, collagen production declines with it. The research suggests that skin can lose roughly 30% of its collagen in the first five years after menopause. That's a pretty big structural change happening relatively quickly. And this is why skin becomes thinner, drier, less elastic, why wrinkles deepen and why your skin seems to bruise more easily and heal more slowly. The building material is declining and the structure is responding. Hair's a very similar story. Estrogen supports the hair growth cycle, and when it declines, the growth phase shortens, the resting phase lengthens, and the overall volume and thickness of your hair decreases. This is not the same as male patterned boldness. It's typically a general thinning rather than a receding, but it is noticeable and for many women it's really distressing. And then there are the changes in fat distribution. Even if you haven't gained weight, the fat on your face redistributes. Cheeks lose volume, the jawline softens, your face shape can change subtly but noticeably. And because we see our own faces every day, the change creeps up until one afternoon, passing a window, it announces itself. None of this is in your head, all of it is physical, and knowing that, knowing it's your biology, not your negligence, is the first step to dealing with it sanely. So let's be practical. What actually makes a difference based on evidence rather than advertising? The first is sun protection. I know this sounds boring and I know it's not the answer you were hoping for, but UV exposure is the single biggest external driver of skin aging. More than diet, more than any product, if you do nothing else for your skin, wear an SPF 30 or higher every day. Ideally, you want to be SPF 50. Yes, even on cloudy days, yes, even if you're just popping out. This is the most evidence-backed skin intervention available at any age, and it's almost absurdly cheap relative to what it prevents. Second, hydration from the inside. Your skin is an organ and it needs water. Most women are underhydrated and dehydrated skin looks dull, creased, older than it is, two liters of water a day. We talked about this in episode three for Brain Fog. The same advice applies to your skin. Number three, omega-3 fatty acids. We've mentioned these before for brain health and inflammation. They also support skin barrier function and reduce the dryness that comes with declining estrogen. Oily fish twice a week or a really good supplement. The fourth is retinoids. This is the one ingredient in skincare that has robust long-term evidence for supporting collagen production and improving skin texture. You don't need the expensive branded version. A basic retinol serum from a pharmacy brand is fine. Start slowly, use it at night and be patient. It takes weeks, not days, to see results. And if you are using retinol, please make sure that you follow through on step one and use a high factor SBF. Fifth, protein. Your skin is made of collagen. Collagen is a protein. If you're not eating enough protein, and as we've discussed, most menopause or women aren't, you're not giving your body the raw materials it needs to maintain skin structure. Collagen supplements specifically, the evidence is emerging and promising, but not yet definitive. Protein generally, essential. Total non-negotiable. So a quick honest tour of the stuff that's mostly marketing. I'm not going to name brands because that's not my job, but I am going to name patterns. If a product says it will reverse aging, it's lying to you. Nothing topical reverses aging. Some things slow visible changes, some things improve skin quality, but reverse? No. That word is a marketing choice, not a scientific claim. If a product costs £80 and the key ingredient is hyalonic acid, you're paying £75 for the packaging. Hyalonic acid is a good moisturizing ingredient. It's also available in perfectly effective formulations for £5. The molecule does not become more effective when it's presented in a heavier jar. If a product requires you to use seven steps morning and evening, it's selling you routine, not a result. Your skin does not need seven products. It needs clean skin, some moisture, some protection, and maybe a retinoid at night. That's four things. Everything else is optional and often redundant. I say this not to be cynical, but to be honest, the skincare industry is worth billions of pounds and it has a vested interest in making you feel that your changing skin is a problem only their product can solve. Your changing skin is a physical event. Some of it can be supported, none of it needs to be fixed because you are not broken. You are a woman whose estrogen is declining and your skin is responding accordingly. Now I want to spend the last few minutes on something that sits underneath all of this. Because the skin changes, the hair changes, they're not really about skin and hair, they're about identity. And this is a particular grief in menopause that nobody often names. It's the grief of not looking like yourself anymore, of seeing a face that has aged faster than you expected, of losing the hair that was part of how you saw yourself. It's not vanity, it's disorientation. You are the same person inside of a body that is changing, and the gap between the two can be genuinely unsettling. Now, I'm sorry, I don't have a neat answer for this. I don't think there is one, but I do think that naming it helps. Saying out loud, I'm grieving the way I used to look, and that's a legitimate thing to grieve is more useful than pretending you should be above caring about your appearance. You are not above it, you are a human. Humans care about how they look, that's not shallow, that is normal. I also think there's something on the other side of this grief that's worth reaching for, which is who are you if you stop trying to look like you did at 35 and start deciding what you want to look like at 50? Not younger, not older, just intentionally yourself. The version of you that matches who you are now, not who you were then. I've noticed something interesting in myself. The less I try to fight the changes, the less distressing they are. Not because I've become massively enlightened suddenly, but because fighting is exhausting and acceptance, not resignation, acceptance, frees up an enormous amount of energy that I was spending on trying to look like a version of myself that no longer exists. That energy is better spent elsewhere on things that actually make me feel good in my body, on strength training, on eating well, on sleeping enough, on spending time with people I like, on wearing clothes that fit the body I have now rather than the body I had five years ago. That's not something you buy, that's something you grow into, and it takes time and it's okay. There's two things this week. I'm sorry, it's not just one thing, there's two things. Number one, put SPF on your face tomorrow morning before you leave the house. And drink an extra glass of water today. Sun protection and hydration, two most evidence-backed, least glamorous interventions for your skin. Not exciting, but real. Now this was a bit of a personal one for me. The mirror moment is something I think about more than I'd like to admit, and I suspect I'm not alone in that. What I've come to believe is that the visible changes of menopause are an invitation to look at yourself differently, not to stop caring, but to care about different things, to invest in what actually works rather than what's marketed at your insecurity, and to decide, actively decide what the woman looking back at you in the mirror is going to stand for, not what she's going to look like, what she's going to stand for. Next week we're going somewhere that will surprise you. We're talking about friendships, why your social circle has quietly reshuffled in your 40s, and why you might feel more alone than you expected to, and what to do about it. It's one of my favourite episodes. If this episode on identity is one that resonated, send it to the woman who has been quietly struggling with how she looks and not telling anyone. Tell her you're not vain, you're human. And there's a conversation here that might help. I'm Nora, this is the Riviera menopause, and the woman in the mirror, she's still you. She's just updating. So for now, that's me signing off with love from Monaco.