The Epidemic of Family Estrangement

Family estrangement is a silent epidemic leaving a trail of devastation in its wake. In this episode, Heleen Woest, LPC, sits down with fellow therapist and friend Felicia Wallberg, LPC, to unpack the rising tide of young adults cutting ties with their parents — and the profound grief it leaves on both sides.

Together, they explore the emotional dialect gap between generations, how modern trauma language and attachment theory are reshaping the way adult children interpret their childhoods, and why parents who genuinely tried their best are often the ones being cut off. They also tackle the social media trend of "you don't owe your parents anything," the paradox of staying bonded to abusive parents while estranging from imperfect ones, and what repair can actually look like when both sides are willing.

Whether you are a therapist holding space for clients on either side of this divide, a parent stuck in complicated grief, or an adult child exhausted from trying to be heard — this conversation offers compassion, nuance, and practical guidance.

This is Part 1 of a multi-part series. Stay tuned for future episodes featuring therapists from younger generations who share their perspectives on navigating best practices from both sides of the divide.

Resources & Links

Dr. Joshua Coleman — Rules of Estrangement (book recommendation)

Felicia Wallberg's bio: https://www.waypointpdx.com/feliciawallberg

Support Groups for Parents of estranged Adult Children (launching Fall 2026): https://www.waypointpdx.com/groups

• Visit Heleen's Blog to learn more about this topic and the research behind it: https://www.lifesolutions.io/blog/
  
  
• Watch the video version of this episode on YouTube:  https://www.youtube.com/@heleenwoest/videos
  
  
• Explore upcoming topics that are dropping soon on The Missing Piece: https://www.lifesolutions.io/podcast/

Transcript

Why Family Estrangement Feels So Shameful

SPEAKER_02 0:00

Today we are tackling a topic that is often shrouded in deep shame and pain. It's a silent epidemic that is leaving a trail of devastation in its wake. I'm talking about family estrangement, specifically the rising tide of young adults who are cutting ties with their family of origin and most often their parents. As therapists, we are in a tricky spot. We sit with parents who are stuck and unable to move forward because they believe there is still something they can say or do to fix the relationship. However, despite their efforts, they are cut out of their kids and grandkids' lives. This profound, unresolved loss often causes parents to sink into complicated grief. On the other hand, we sit with the adult children who feel entirely unheard. They believe they cannot talk with their parents without being gaslit or manipulated through guilt. When they try to express their feelings, parents often get offensive instead of listening. Many young adults end up ghosting their parents because they are tired of trying to be heard without success. To help us navigate these murky waters, I've invited my colleague and friend Felicia Wahlberg. She is the licensed professional counselor who has walked this very difficult journey with clients and families. We planned on only recording this one episode, but this topic is so nuanced that we will be back to also talk with therapists who are part of the younger generation to get their take on what this looks like through their eyes, as they are also navigating best practices while holding space for clients from both sides of the divide. If you are navigating the painful reality of family estrangement or some of your clients are in this tough spot, then this discussion may provide one of the missing puzzle pieces you've been looking for.

Rules Of Estrangement As A Roadmap

SPEAKER_02 2:08

Joining me today is my good friend and fellow therapist, Felicia Wahlberg. She is a licensed professional counselor and also a certified partner trauma therapist at Waypoint Counseling Services in Tigert, Oregon. Thank you so much for joining me to talk about this very important and prevalent topic, Felicia. So good to be here with you, Helene. I love having you. So, Felicia, jumping into this right away, you and I have both read and frequently recommended Dr. Joshua Coleman's book, Rules of Estrangement. So for our listeners who haven't read it, uh, what is the core premise of this book? What is it really about, you know, and why do you think it resonates so deeply with parents? Um, me and you talked about that we never needed a book like this. So um, could you say more on that?

SPEAKER_00 2:56

Yeah, we never did need a book like this, but it just seems to be such an almost epidemic in our society right now where adult children and their parents are finding that there's such a division between what they thought, how they were raised, and how parents parented. I really see this as a guide for parents and also to find a way forward. There's a big healing journey for parents as they, you know, wrestle with what they're finding out about complaints about their parenting.

SPEAKER_02 3:30

Exactly. It could be really um comforting in a way because you know, what we hear from our clients is it's almost like a panicky feeling of like, what do I do with this estrangement? This book, like you just said, is really such a guidebook for us to then to not feel so lost, right?

SPEAKER_00 3:48

Yeah. To know that we're not alone in this as parents, and we're using that word we because we're of that generation. Yes, yes.

SPEAKER_02 3:57

And I think that's something to say here, right at the beginning. Me and you are from the older generations, and when we talk about older, we're talking about baby boomers and gen Xers. Uh, and our children mostly are either or both uh millennials and Gen Zers. Um, and so uh we definitely want to, from the beginning, let everybody know that we are representing both, even though it's not our age group, we have clients in both those groups. We have clients from actually all four of those generations, and we do see the glaring difference, and we've both really studied this field. So, how to best help a family. This is not about saying who's right and who's wrong. It's about finding out how can we help, how can we understand all the aspects right and then help families.

SPEAKER_00 4:45

Right, understanding both sides and helping whatever the issue is or whatever the complaint is, each side be empathetic towards each other so that they can find a way forward and a common ground.

SPEAKER_02 5:00

Yeah, because there's usually a lot of pain on both sides, right?

The Emotional Dialect Gap Between Generations

SPEAKER_02 5:04

Absolutely. One of the biggest themes in Coleman's work is the emotional dialect gap between generations. Now, I want to say that um there is uh a lot of research about the different generations and how how things have changed for us in so many aspects, but definitely emotionally, right? And just the the language that we use for emotions. Um, so I've written a few blog posts, and we don't we don't have time to get too much into that. But if um some of our listeners want to go read more about that, just the different generations I wrote about the last four generations that we just mentioned and how things have changed for them, but how this is something that happens actually over and over again. Uh parents not really understanding the younger generation. You know, it happened through the ages. Um, but with just the internet and everything that's so exploded, and people having so much more access to knowledge, I want to say for the first time, maybe this is even a bigger divide. The divide of younger people have such a language and such inclusivity that we never knew, a language for emotional things. And so there is this dialect gap and knowledge gap, even if you will. I find that a lot of parents don't even have the knowledge and don't even know what a child is talking about when they say they're being gaslit, right? Those kind of things. So have you found some of that? Just this dialect, different language, you know?

SPEAKER_00 6:30

Yeah, absolutely. I think with the internet, there's just so much um education and I will say miseducation on these topics. Yeah, but when that's that's where your your resource is coming from, you have a whole different language. And actually that can be weaponized against uh parents that don't have that language base and understanding.

SPEAKER_02 7:00

Absolutely. Yes, there's a lot we need to learn, right? If we really want to understand this generation, it's a lot of catching up to do. Um, and I think from both sides, this generation to not use that as a weapon of you guys know nothing, or the parents using that as a weapon of you guys are just hearing nonsense and none of it is true. You know, it's like we have to find that balance of we have to learn more, maybe, and also maybe some grace for our generation from our children would be helpful.

SPEAKER_00 7:31

Yeah.

When Therapy Language Becomes A Weapon

SPEAKER_00 7:32

I think a good example of that, Helene, is just an adult child gathering information and um then slapping a diagnostic label on their parent to say that she or he is a narcissist without really understanding the ramification of that label or even what the criteria is to determine if somebody is or not.

SPEAKER_02 7:59

Yes. Isn't it something that's actually so prevalent right now? Is that everybody's a narcissist and everybody's an abuser, or everybody is just big words that have been thrown out there, you know. Um, that isn't true. If we look at something like a narcissist, uh I don't have the exact number now, but I know it's very low. It's below 5% of the population are actually narcissists and fall into that category, and yet um it has been just been thrown around right now. Not just that diagnosis, but many diagnoses. Many others. Yes, exactly. Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 8:34

And it's dangerous to do that, right? Dangerous, dangerous, and then the deep hurt that it causes and and further misunderstanding between these two generations, between the parent and the adult children.

SPEAKER_02 8:50

Yeah, it enlarged that divide. It just gets bigger and bigger. We move further away from each other instead of closer. Yeah, yeah. Okay, so Felicia, there's one thing that

No Contact Versus Necessary Safety

SPEAKER_02 9:00

I want us to um just say here as well. In cases of severe emotional, physical, or sexual abuse, no contact may be absolutely necessary for healing. So we want to talk about no contact, and uh that's just been thrown out there a lot, and people turn to it a lot these days. So there's so much. I know what I just said, there's so much in that. So can we start to unpack a little bit of that?

SPEAKER_00 9:25

Sure. Starting with the children that end up calling their parents abusers that may not fall into a category of that, where it's more of a cutoff generation. And I think oftentimes there is no professional guide in that. It's almost prescribed that we cut our parents off, um, almost as though it was scripted.

unknown 9:57

Okay.

SPEAKER_00 9:57

And this is how you do it, and this is how you say it, and this is what it looks like.

unknown 10:03

Yes.

SPEAKER_00 10:03

Um, so now we have um broken attachments with them, not only in the current generations, but potentially in the next generation if there are grandchildren involved. And now parents aren't allowed to spend time with their grandchildren. So there's just this perpetuation of broken attachments and relationship, instead of how can we both sides navigate through this to come to a common ground of understanding each other and taking ownership for what our part was in it, especially on the on the side of the parents, um, and with help trying to figure out what that what that is, it would be nice to have the help of the adult child to say, here's what my complaint was, here's what I didn't like, so that an adult, the parent can process that. And the hope is to come to some common ground. Not that one side or the other has to abandon their own belief system or you know what what their value system is to be adopted over on the other side of the relationship. They should be able to come together and still have respect and be able to hold parent or adult adult children's um value system. Exactly. Yes, hold both.

SPEAKER_02 11:45

Um I'm wondering also, can we speak for a second about why adult children sometimes feel like they don't even want to say what is happening, right?

Broken Attachments And The Grandkids Ripple

SPEAKER_02 11:56

What I've heard them say is that when the moment I start telling my parents they go into defensive mode and they're already mad at me and they're not hearing me at all, and I'm just so tired of trying to make them hear me that I just gave up. I just I I can't handle that defensiveness that comes up anymore. Um, and what can you say to that? Do you we see that side as well, right? Of just parents being very defensive. What would you say to parents in that in that respect?

SPEAKER_00 12:28

Yeah, first, first want to even say that the adult children are tired of maybe trying to educate their parents on how the offense that they experienced as children when they were being raised. Um and so they will often just say, I'm I'm not, I'm not your educator. You gotta go figure this out. Um, I do think that parents are can be easily defensive because it's first of all, they're not even being they're not even used to being um disrespected like that. Oh, that's right. Right. We never did it. Right. We wouldn't dare. You always hear that. Yes. I would never talk to my parents like that. Are you kidding me? And so this is such a very different dynamic that they're experiencing. Number one, number two, I think that they get caught off guard on whatever the offense is, and um it's so hurtful to them, and they don't see it or understand it, and there's probably not enough space for them to even begin processing what does that mean that my child is saying this was so horrible when I was so intentional to give to my child to make sure that they had the best education and had every opportunity that maybe I didn't have.

SPEAKER_01 13:55

Yes.

SPEAKER_00 13:55

So you poured in so very much, and now to have that thrown back at you as you caused me harm by doing that.

SPEAKER_02 14:07

Yeah, and

Defensiveness Guilt And Feeling Unheard

SPEAKER_02 14:08

I think this is where the dialect that I was talking about becomes such so problematic, is in that place where a parent then feels so hurt. We many times go to that place of like, but I gave you so much. I gave you all of this and all of that. And I did, and it's all true because especially Gen Xers, that our generation, we wanted to do the opposite of what our parents did. We wanted to be so involved. We wanted to make sure our kids get the very best. We were gonna give them all the opportunities in the world, right? And in doing that, uh, we maybe did them a disservice in some ways. Um, but then we also have all of that to bring to the table as weapons sometimes to say, well, I did this and I did this and uh and and all the things. And they, what I've heard from these young people is that it's guilt tripping. And I'm getting tired of all the guilt tripping of you've done all this stuff for me, and now I have to be a certain way. Now I have to respect you because of what you've done, not respect you because you see me or you hear me. Yeah, which can be difficult because again, nobody's meaning it. Uh it's all meant well, right? But it just keeps on spiral into this lost in translation thing that's happening over and over, you know. And therefore, we need that distance. Maybe sometimes I heard somebody say, what if we look at the estrangement, the cut-off, even as a good thing and not a bad thing? What if we look at it as a moment in time to breathe, to everybody take stock, and to really find healing that doesn't come overnight? Because I mean, we would think, can we just be cut off for a month? I can do that, but it doesn't happen like that. Sometimes it's yeah, right.

SPEAKER_00 16:07

I actually do think that there's um it's recommended oftentimes to take space both sides, and especially if you're working with the young, the young adult, that's really what they need just to be able to separate from the dynamic that they've grown up in so that they can actually process and even gain language around what they experience. Um, I think the problem is that there oftentimes is a lack of communication. So, so the parents don't understand that this is a time-limited taking space.

unknown 16:50

Yes.

SPEAKER_00 16:51

There's no nothing communicated in that way. And now the parents are just deeply hurt and distressed.

SPEAKER_02 16:59

They are because they feel this is a rejection and abandonment. That child is never coming back. And what do they do?

SPEAKER_00 17:07

They they get hyperactive in trying to maintain connection when the child has said, I need space, please don't contact me. Yes. Well, their nervous system is just, you know, high in shock, high alert. And their brain, what can I do? Let me try this, let me try that.

SPEAKER_02 17:30

Right. Yes. Then we have actually that thing that we talk about in the trauma world, where now the back of the brain that says danger, I mean danger, is so lit up that our front lobe can't even make sense. And if we are then talking to a child or to uh to whomever it is that we're estranged from, we're just in this panic mode. We don't make sense, we we don't come across well, we're not listening well, we're not really in that space. So for both to take the time out and to first deal with that, uh, can I get into the right space, frame of mind? And then what is it that I can learn before we come back to the conversation? Felicia, I think if if there was a way for us all to understand at the beginning of something like this, that this is temporary, it might be a year, it might be two, but how about both of us go and work on ourselves and find out how we can move forward? What is the best way to move forward? And maybe even get a therapist in the mix there, like you have actually helped many families to talk, to be the mediator between them, to help them understand why does this one not understand?

Taking Space Without Panic Spirals

SPEAKER_02 18:40

Actually, what you do is you get into that gap of loss in translation and you are translating. You're saying, like, yes, this is what I see in you, and in you, you both make total sense, but you just keep on fighting, you just keep on going in the same cycle.

SPEAKER_00 18:56

Exactly, exactly. And I know with um the parents just helping them, they may not have heard from their children what exactly the issue has been. So we will try to just make some really good educated guesses based on um email communications or text messages. Um, so then I will try and help a parent um really have empathy for that. And not that they have to be wrong, but we do need to grow towards understanding and um being able to validate how our children could feel that way, that we can understand based on who they are and what they say their experience was that we can validate that. I get how that how you would feel that way, and then even grow in some empathy for that. And just that alone is just so healing.

SPEAKER_02 20:09

Yes, the validation of I get it, I get how you feel like you've tried your absolute best and now you're being rejected, right? And and also on the side of the child, just I get it, I hear you, because essentially people are not hearing each other. And as a therapist, we can step into that gap, right?

SPEAKER_00 20:30

Yeah. What our goal is, is to have both parties find a common ground. Um, what that common ground in the relationship is. It's not that either side has to abandon their own value system because our adult children, as they grow up, they are determining what their value system is. And oftentimes it is not the same as their parents. And so, as parents, we need to really hold that in value and recognize that we're no longer the same. This is actually, we've done our job well. If we've grown up good, solid citizens and we can release them into the world, we don't oftentimes continue to have the same value system. So we're not asking either side to abandon their value system. For example, if there's if religion, um, say, you know, a conservative um system of faith on one side of parents, and that's how they raise their children, their children no longer have that same value system. It's not as though the parents now, to be able to join their adult children, have to abandon their own um faith background. They can maintain that and still come to the center and have empathy and validity. date their children.

unknown 22:01

Right.

SPEAKER_00 22:02

And vice versa, if the adult children, they don't need to have their parents join them in that. I mean, do you know what I mean? They can just they can hold each other in respect. Absolutely. Absolutely. Because I think I think and I think oftentimes there's this feeling that I have we have to be the same. Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 22:23

Exactly.

SPEAKER_00 22:24

There's almost a panic in it. Yes, especially on the side of the parent.

SPEAKER_02 22:27

Especially on the side of the parents. It's like now I have to abandon all my stuff, all my beliefs and my what's important to me. And I have to go totally changed towards the side of the child and that's the only way that we can get along. And I bet most adult children don't even want that. They're not necessarily saying become like me. They're saying can we have respect for the way that we

Therapists As Translators And Mediators

SPEAKER_02 22:50

both feel and can we find a bridge in the middle? You know, and I think you definitely stand in that place. So even though we say we just talked about that the goal is really to meet in the middle, do you sometimes see that maybe one side or the other are really wanting the parent or the child to come to their side you know anything like that that you've observed?

SPEAKER_00 23:15

Yeah I have actually seen adult children almost holding their parents hostage in that if they don't come to their side or to their new belief system there is no way that they can have relationship. And it's really trying to help both parties center and again to respect each other to validate to empathize to take ownership especially the parents to take ownership of what may have been hurtful for the child. Yeah the ownership piece is huge right yeah and in this situation I will say that um the adult children have a lot more power there's been a flip in power differential and I hate using that word but basically what I'm saying is that you know when when we are raising our children parents have more power but now as the children are are headed into adulthood and there's this type of thing comes up or this these types of complaints or hurts or harm that it completely flips that adult children have more power and or say in um how this is going to go how long we're going to stay separated I think it's really really difficult for parents to to accept the fact that they um are at their child's mercy now in terms of relationship once they hit adulthood because they are so used to having it um the opposite the other way and so really working with the parents to continually re especially at the beginning like you don't have the power in this you you know if you want relationship we will need to um examine what's happened. We will need to go back and talk about uh the origin story or what the family dynamics were to even begin to understand what they might what they are talking about, what they are hurt by.

SPEAKER_02 25:48

Yes we can't just lean on you have to respect me and follow what I'm saying. That may be a way that we were raised and that we thought we were gonna be able to do for the rest of our lives right uh it's just not true and not necessarily healthy either.

unknown 26:05

Right.

SPEAKER_02 26:07

So how about that that sometimes sometimes there is no resolution um that's a very sad thing to think of for parents but I guess that's a reality I think it's sad for both I think it's sad for the entire family.

SPEAKER_00 26:23

I think it you know it it can go it can carry down into the next generation

Values Clashes Without Forcing Agreement

SPEAKER_00 26:30

too with the grandchildren it's so distressing for grandparents not to be able to to to meet or to know their grandchildren.

SPEAKER_02 26:43

Right and you're talking about the generations we teach by example right so in other words the grandchildren are taught that if things don't go well or if um if I can't find common ground here with my parent it is the the thing to do is to cut them off. So it can roll over into the next generation instead of saying that I have a voice I can bring up what hurt me I can ask for things to change but I don't have to jump to cut off. And I I'm wondering if we can bring that up for a second of just the the thing of wanting to just cut off and I've heard you say this before and I think that's really wise is there are other things to do before that. Maybe not jump immediately to cut off which is a tendency that's going around. Can you say more about that?

SPEAKER_00 27:36

And yeah just to just to reiterate the something that you said earlier that there are reasons that when there is true abuse that there are reasons to cut off but I think that currently what's happening in our society is that that is where we quickly jump we're just going to cut off instead of doing the hard work of having a healthy relationship this is happening because there's something there's a warning sign of unhealth but let's let's let's walk through that let's find where that is let's do some work around what that unhealth is so that we can repair and really come to a healthy place is is where what I like to see that's where I stand I I I want to be um careful there. I don't that's not I don't want to cut off I don't want to I don't want to suggest that to clients um unless it's absolutely necessary. Instead let's do the hard work of rebuilding what is a healthy relationship here.

SPEAKER_02 28:45

Yeah yeah and as therapists I think we might need to own our part in that too because there has been such a push for the group and I have to live for the group and I have to do what everybody's always done and you know that for a while there if we had a young adult in our office we would very much focus on individuation and we will focus and and we still want to do that but it was more like you matter too. You uh can speak up for yourself you can have a voice. So we started to really teach people that which is a really good thing but it can go the other way whereas now the group doesn't matter at all. It's all about me. I'm the only one who matters um and I want to say it goes both ways my family matters and I matter people can individuate without absolutely without any cutoff they're individuating and

Power Shifts When Kids Become Adults

SPEAKER_02 29:40

I think a big component is that is communicating.

unknown 29:43

Right.

SPEAKER_00 29:44

This is what I'm doing. If it's safe you know if if your relationships are safe that you can actually say that to you know your parents or to your adult children.

SPEAKER_02 29:55

Yeah and safety is a big thing and I'm wondering if sometimes actually that separation for a while helps people um understand that they weren't safe that there's things as parents we can do to be safer for our children to be more um a listening ear instead of just wanting to jump in with all the things we have to say you know all the um things we want to fix and how we're gonna fix this I, you know, I even hear parents say I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry. So and the kid still doesn't feel hurt. They're like this doesn't help for you to just keep saying sorry. You you didn't hear me yet you didn't hear what caused the pain and I'm afraid you're just gonna say sorry and do it all over again, you know, which doesn't mean much.

SPEAKER_00 30:41

Right. And I actually I think that's where somebody as a guide as a therapist can help. Yeah it's very complex. It's very complex. Yeah um and I think you know as we've already talked about parents get panicky and they're just apologizing for every everything and it's may not even be the thing and they can't hear their kid and they're you know they're just their their nervous system is just on overdrive.

SPEAKER_02 31:08

Absolutely they're so such hyper arousal that the frontal lobe is not working at all and we're just going to that I'm sorry I'm sorry or or anger. Anger yes the other way for sure a lot of angry parents out there and there's all these Facebook groups and all these places where a lot of angry parents are venting their anger which again like we said it's necessary to get the anger out but then what? Where do we go with this? How long are we just going to be angry and go around in that cycle again if my my children just they don't respect me and they left me and all of that or are we going to say yes I am angry and now let's move into the next Helen I see this a lot on both sides that we um even if they are working with a therapist that they will get to that angry place and they need to be there that's that has that that's a normal process in um the healing work that needs to be done.

SPEAKER_00 32:10

But I think in that it can feel there's such a relief in being able to get all that out that then they feel that relief and feel like the work is done when it is not done because all that's going to do is cause them to be stuck in that anger instead of being able to come up the other side and to do relationship healthily to be able to address what has gone on to take ownership to grieve there's a lot of grief in this there is and that is also part of this healing process. All that has to be done before that they can come together and it's it's just common to see people be stuck in that relief but still so much anger. Yeah they grow in this soil of anger.

SPEAKER_02 33:08

Yeah it becomes a bitterness right and bitterness we know is no good for anybody because where do you go from there? Yeah and I think it does bring us to also that point of um that I have here in my notes about the steps towards healing you

Anger Relief And The Work After Venting

SPEAKER_02 33:24

know how how do we go about getting to that place where we can start to um have the deep conversation about all the stuff that matters here because there's so much so many layers um and and what would you say those steps look like we we talked a little bit about it but maybe say a little bit more to parents who feel hopeless totally helpless in this scenario what would it look like to just engage in those first steps?

SPEAKER_00 33:50

Yeah I think some of those first steps it at least when I've worked with parents is again um there's a lot of there's a lot of hurt right at the beginning and misunderstanding and how could this be and I've given my life and I've sacrificed and how could my child think this of me a lot of grief right there right so there's there's grief work to be done there's um then even trying to step into some understanding of our child the children's perspective of what they may have experienced in their upbringing that they see as very harmful to them now. So trying to understand that trying to again grow in empathy about that what would that have been like for them in that situation? Can a parent wrap their brain around their child's experience that's going to help a parent grow in empathy and validation for their for their kid um and I think in that there are steps that will eventually can be made and that hopefully there's some communication between both sides maybe even a letter a parent taking ownership for some of the things that they wish that they could go back and do differently that they see that could have been harmful um so I'm my hope is that that would happen as well.

SPEAKER_02 35:32

And then sometimes if this if there isn't a response from the other side a parent has to do their own some of their own personal work so that they can move forward in their own life and if their children are not a part of that what is that now going to look for them look like for them what is their new normal going to look like a lack of identity there too many parents having to find their identity without it's like if my

First Steps Toward Repair And Grief

SPEAKER_02 36:05

whole life was wrapped up in being a parent it's almost like empty nesters, right? But sometimes just even worse than that because it's uh it feels like a real loss. You have no idea how long it's going to take if this child is coming back into your life. And in the meantime, on top of growing how do you keep on living? How do you keep on finding pockets of happiness in the midst of this very hard thing because I have heard parents say that I can ever be happy again. I can't go on because it's it's a death it's like mourning somebody who's still alive right and there's still the possibility of contact and you're not sure if it's going to happen but you can't put your life on hold either and neither would that child necessarily have wanted that. You stepping into your life that is not revolving around them and them making you happy is maybe part of the way to get back together. Them seeing that you you don't just focus on them you have found a way to move forward that they don't feel like mom or dad depends on me to make them happy depends on me to keep them safe whatever it was that they stepped into in the past especially if there was stuff like emotional incest stuff like parentification where a kid had to be a parent very early on then that child has felt as a child that heaviness that burden if you will of having to take care of this parent and at some point in their own life especially now I'm married and I have my own family and I still have to take care of this parent in those circumstances I do think it might be really helpful for parents to find their own identity. And again that might look like being part of a group seeing a therapist finding out who am I if I'm not a parent anymore. Who am I? What what is my identity about? Which brings me to something that me and you are going to do we're gonna start up these groups for parents um who are estranged from adult children and just all the pain that that involves but also um talk about where to go from here and identity being part of that. Who am I now you know and uh was it a healthy place that I was in in the past actually what what needs to change? What can I see here? Could you say a little bit more about that because me and you also we've talked about that there's so many different ways of being estranged it doesn't look the same and that that we want to accommodate some of that in these groups that it's not just my child walked away because they're mad at me, that there are other things as well. Could you speak for a second about that?

SPEAKER_00 38:51

Yeah I

Identity After Estrangement And New Normal

SPEAKER_00 38:52

think it kind of we're kind of going full circle um in terms of just mentioning the book that we're gonna probably read through in the group. Yeah. I think what's so great is that I think every parent could probably every estranged parent could probably find their scenario in here. And so we're gonna just divide it out in weekly groups by this and um or maybe highlight some of these things but knowing that we're gonna have a group of parents that have all different reasons but some of the some of the reasons in our society currently where there's estrangement it can it can come about in a divorce situation where a parent maybe one parent is has demonized another parent with the children and as they grow up then they're they're separated or estranged from mother or father um mental health and addiction can be a reason. That's that's a big reason. Yeah we talked we've already touched on maybe a therapist is curating a situation and then um suggesting cutoff or diagnosing from a distance your parent is a narcissist. Another one is gender identity religious backgrounds uh politics oh yeah is a big one yes um and then also seeing where I mean this hap is a common one as well um once adult children are married um they may have the strong influence of the in-laws or for example if um your daughter-in-law has such a strong pull on your son and has influence and he's pulled into her family and they've deemed the other side unsafe or abusive. So lots of different reasons.

SPEAKER_02 41:01

There are many for sure one of the things I want to touch on that you just actually mentioned there Felicia is many parents grew up following the rules of their religion enforced by their own parents without any room for questions or individual thought it was the old because I said so attitude. And this approach is mind-boggling to a generation that has so much

Common Paths To Estrangement In Families

SPEAKER_02 41:24

knowledge at their fingertips they have been raised to ask questions, to insist on seeing the research and they do not believe anything just based purely on principle or respect.

SPEAKER_00 41:36

So how do we bridge that when I'm working with parents I want to really help them to see that they did their job well to launch their children to be critical thinkers. And there are good reasons that our children are have the value systems that they have based on the world that that we're in. I wanted them to be critical thinkers they are critical thinkers but now they're thinking different than I am so what does that mean?

SPEAKER_02 42:10

That means have I failed as a parent yes what did I do wrong in the meantime it isn't it's like convincing what you did right exactly by allowing them to embrace who they are finding their own value system because um yeah it is maybe that is one of the hard things and why see it so much in parents instead of the children to really just hold things loosely is our generation have been different when it comes to that one of the things that I always say that I feel like millennials and Gen Zers are so good at excellent at is tolerance and really letting people be people letting them just be who they are just accommodating people from all different races and sexualities and you know even religious status all these things um where for our generation it was definitely a little harder to do that. We didn't we weren't brought up with that you know um so again we did maybe a right thing here by producing if you will generations who can hold things lightly and let people be who they are um yeah I and and that sort of also brings me to the thing that we didn't we talked about at the beginning I just want to bring us back for one second to that and that is that where there are truly abusive situations where things are really difficult, the children seem to hang around but it's not necessarily a good thing because many times they're hanging around because of a trauma bond. It's something that is holding them there because they haven't been able to go through their own healing. They're just stuck in that place of that trauma bond which if that gets

Tolerance Critical Thinking And Trauma Bonds

SPEAKER_02 43:58

really unpacked In the end, where we want that child is also to take up their own space and find out can I stay in this relationship in a healthy way or not? So again, when our children are asking the questions, when they are cutting us off, maybe there is some truth to it that we did give them the strength to say, this is not okay with me. I need some space to find out who I am. I need some space to actually individuate from you instead of just staying like people would in a situation that's not good for them, you know.

unknown 44:35

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 44:35

Well, Felicia, any last words that you have here for um parents and um children, there it's a very, very difficult situation. So some last words here.

SPEAKER_00 44:48

Um having worked with both sides and also done the mediation between both sides, I I don't know, my final thoughts are just just hope, hope for the future as we as our society becomes more aware of this epidemic and the harm that it is um producing generationally down the line. If um we can just come together and um grow as individuals in understanding ourselves and then also being able to um come together and remedy what has been harmful. And I just I mean the hope just in thinking about both the parents and the the adult children, just how much more whole and healthy they can be together as a family, and then what that's gonna look like a generation down the line. Exactly.

SPEAKER_02 46:00

Yes, this is for the generations to come. It is one of those things that we are the box stops with us. If we really dig in here and with our adult children, learn how to figure this thing

Hope For Repair And How To Connect

SPEAKER_02 46:15

out, it can make such a difference for the coming generations, right? Yes. Well, Felicia, thank you so much for joining me today for the incredible, compassionate work you do as a therapist. Um, if you want to learn more about Felicia, you can visit her bio at waypointpdx.com. I will attach a link to it in the show notes below. Um, Felicia and I plan on starting those groups, like we said, for parents of estranged adult children. And you can find out more by following the link in the show notes below. Felicia, thank you again for clarity and the depth you bring to this work. Um, we really appreciate that there are therapists out there like you who will just get into these hard things with parents and adult children to help them find a place, a bridge in the middle of all of us. Thank you. Yes, thank you.

SPEAKER_01 47:21

I'm Halloween Host, and this is Miss In Peace.