Episode 8: Torn Between 2 worlds

Remember playing tug of War as a kid? Being pulled this way and that?

In this episode I explore my own personal journey of being torn between 2 worlds. I hope you find a glimmer of hope or encouragement in this episode.

Transcript

SPEAKER_00 0:00

Welcome to this week's episode of Unapologetically Imperfect. I would like to acknowledge the Dark people, the traditional custodians of the land on which this podcast is filmed and recorded. I pay respects to elders past, present, and emerging, and extend that respect to any other Aboriginal Torres Strait Islander people listening or watching today. I acknowledge that this land is and always will be Dark Country. Welcome back for another episode of Unapologetically Imperfect. I'm so glad to have you with me today, and I hope that what I am about to share will encourage and give you a little bit of hope. Remember the days in primary school where we used to participate in tugger war? You know the traditional tug-a-war where we had two ga two teams, one really long rope, and each team would try and outpull the other. There was usually a marker in the middle, and you had to get that marker to go across a certain spot to get your point. So that's the traditional one, but I've also seen now there's a four-way tug of war, and that thing is insane. All right. So it's like one big X shape, and you've got a team on each rope. So it's four teams pulling against each other at one time. And I've participated in four-way tug of war. And safe to say, it got brutal. We had rope burns, we had cut hands, we had people being dragged across the ground. Kind of fairly normal for a game of tugwar, anyway, right? We had people smashing their head into other people's legs. Just, it's not for the faint-hearted. Don't think a game of tug of war is, you know, fun, friendly, you know, competition. It's brutal, man. So, and I mean, look, it was great to start with, right? Everyone's cheering, and like, yeah, come on. Like they're spurring on the team they want to win. But the aftermath and the damage that could be created was actually rather nasty. So the game of tug of war is it's gonna be the basis for today's episode. And before you all panic, I'm not gonna make you play, but get you more thinking about the various tug of wars that we face in our lives. So, have you ever felt torn between any of the following? What to have for dinner? Whether to make a purchase or not, you know, when that thing's really on sale and you're like, oh, do I want to? Do I not? Eh, what do I do? Whether to have cake or ice cream for dessert. Wanting to buy those really cool shoes, but knowing you really don't have the money for them this week, but you just really want them. Or being a teacher and getting between them and their chocolate during report writing time. Little teacher joke. Don't ever get between a teacher and their chocolate during report writing. You will come off second best. So these are all superficial things, right? But what about feeling torn between the following? Have you ever been caught between two or more feuding friends? Helping someone in need, but being on a time restraint, your parents fighting, work colleagues who can't agree on something and drag you into the drama, doing the right thing and risking being uncool or doing nothing and being accepted. For me, I've had most of these thoughts, and I wish I could say they were just one-offs here and there. But I have to admit that the game of tug of war is a daily occurrence in my life, and it has been for many, many, many years. I've experienced my friends fighting during school, you know, over this and that and being stuck in the middle. Often being made to feel that I have to pick a side. You can't be friends with that person. You have to be friends with me. Just hate the school playground some days. I've wanted to help people, but I've walked away because I didn't want to be late for whatever I was going to. Usually it wasn't that really important anyway. I've been challenged by thoughts of doing what I know is right and being cool, and also being accepted. Which inadvertently resulted in hurting a fellow human being. One who actually was one of my friend's fathers as he was my maths teacher in high school. I felt pretty horrid. And there were times where being accepted actually won. Obviously not great choices, right? But I'm human. I've also been the physical meat in the human sandwich, with the bread being my parents. It's usually my father's doing that puts me in that situation. That's a whole nother long story. But I've been in that situation where I've got one parent bagging out the other, saying things, and me wanting to stand up for the other parent, but knowing that I'm actually genuinely afraid of this person. So it's not easy. It's not easy at all. These real-life tugger wars, they're far from pleasant. And they've left many battle scars in my life. Can't really think of a time where I haven't felt torn between two things. I remember when 9-11 happened. I um was at home prior to it. Something had happened, and dad had had a big blow-up. And at this point, I had my peas, so I had access to my car and I could leave. And I had the choice of do I stay here and deal with the hostility or do I go. I ended up going to my grandparents for the night, and it was the best thing ever. But it was a tug-awar for about 20 minutes going, do I stay, do I not? I didn't want to leave mum, but I needed to look after me. So a game of tug-awar. There have been so many times in my life where I've actually felt like the rope in the game of tug-awar. Getting pulled this way and that way. And sometimes it was only the traditional tug-awar, right? It was the two-sided, you know, this way, that way. Parents, prime example, right? Although, generally, there was only one parent doing the pulling, but I felt torn to go between. For me, there's been so many occasions where I've actually felt like I've been, I have been being pulled in multiple directions at once. I'm getting pulled this way and that way and that way. And ah, it's really hard. And this is something that I'm really experiencing at the moment as well. I'm gonna delve into that in a little bit. I'm sure if we actually stop and think about it, we can all identify at least one time in our life where we've felt this way. Maybe it's been in a workplace. You see something that you know isn't right, but you're torn between speaking up and dealing with the consequences of that, or staying quiet and not rocking the boat. Those of us that drive cars or ride motorbikes, we've all been there, right? We're running late. And we think, oh, gotta get there. I need to make up some time. So I think a few extra Ks, she'd be right. It's a tug of war. Do we speed? Run the risk of getting a fine for speeding, or even worse, having an accident. Or do we just sit back, do the speed limit, get there without a speeding fine, and get there in one piece. It's a choice most most people make daily. These might sound trivial, right? But they are examples of challenges we all have the potential to face each day. Sometimes our daily games of tug war are minuscule. They don't actually amount to much. These things like, oh, what should I have for lunch today? What should I wear today? But others can be life-changing. For example, staying in a toxic setting because it's familiar. My greatest game of tug of war is one that I've been playing for my entire life. And it's one where I'm torn between two worlds. So bear with me while I delve into this further and explain it a little more. I grew up in a Christian home. And yes, despite everything that was going on at home, it was still a Christian home as such. Very traditional-minded family. Sundays as a kid involved going to Weyland, a suburb down in Western Sydney, just down the hill, and going to church with my parents. If I was really, really lucky, I would get to go hang out with my friends afterwards or attend Sunday school picnics. They were the best. They were so good. This continued right through my teenage years, where I pursued my own faith journey. And it was during these years that it wasn't uncommon for me to actually stay out till the very early hours of the morning with my youth leaders and hanging out with my friends before and after services on Sunday. Pretty much I had free reign as long as my parents knew where I was and who I was with. I was sweet. Didn't matter if I rocked up home at 4 a.m. Besides that, I'm pretty sure that just dad enjoyed me not being home. In fact, I'm almost almost certain of it. Anyway, I guess you could say that because of my friendship group, my own family, and my life choices, I was very sheltered in many ways from many, many things. Most of them didn't drink or smoke. There are a few exceptions in there. And they didn't do drugs. So I wasn't exposed to all of that. As far as my friends go, well, we all went to church in youth together. So we weren't really the party in kind. Not only that, we also weren't the popular kids. So we weren't exposed to all those typical teenage shenanigans. One thing about me though is I really, really hate to disappoint andor upset people. So this means that I've always been a bit of a people pleaser. And by a bit, I unfortunately mean a lot. I would do anything I could to uphold a certain image or standard of life. I'd put people before me. Wouldn't even worry about me or my needs. Or put time or value or worth on myself. Just everyone else. Now don't get me wrong, being selfless has its perks. But it can also create some pretty horrible habits. Which, speaking from experience, they're hard to break. My Port Macquarie grandma, my dad's mum, called Port Macquarie grandma because that's where she lived. She always wanted me to wear dresses when I was young. Every time I went up to see her, she was like, Yeah, you have to wear jack. You have to wear your dress. Especially if we were going to church on a Sunday. She went to one of the high Anglican churches of Port Macquarie. And don't get me wrong, it's a lovely place, but always had to dress to the nines. When I was super young, like up to maybe seven, eight years of age, probably seven, I didn't mind. But as I got older, I remembered I actually didn't want to wear dresses all the time. I remember I had this favorite dress. And it was like black t-shirt material to sort of halfway, and then it was floral. And she didn't like it. She would say that girls shouldn't wear black dresses. So unfortunately, to keep the piece, I would avoid wearing that dress around her. Which sucked. Because for me it was probably the most comfortable I actually felt. As I got older and we went up on family holidays as such, I wore whatever I wanted, the dresses were gone. And I mean, I am no fashionista, right? I've always dressed modestly, and I still do to this day. As you can see. Hoodie. I want my jeans on. It's what I'm comfortable in. There's not really a day that you don't see me either in jeans or denim shorts. Because that's what I feel comfortable in. Not what everyone else expects me to wear. My other grandma, my mum's mum, she was the matriarch of our family and also held some very strong traditional views. Although she would let me wear whatever I wanted, within reason, she would voice her thoughts if any of us changed our hair color, which happened to both my cousins and myself. Or if we did anything that just didn't fit her norm. You just felt judged. Or at least I did. And because I didn't want to disappoint or upset anyone, especially being the eldest grandchild, I went with the flow. Grandma passed many of her beliefs and opinions on down to my mum. Which has also added to my personal toggle. A regular saying I heard a lot from mum when I was younger was if I was meant to have extra holes in my body, then God would have put them there from the start. So it wasn't until my mid-20s, sorry, my late 20s, mid-late, somewhere around there, my mid to late 20s, right? That I got my actual first ear piercing. And I was terrified to see what mum and grandma would say. Grandma didn't mind. Or at least she never showed that she minded. But mum was like, oh, it's your body. If you want holes in it, go for it. But the tone of disapproval, it rang through loud and clear. When I was in my late 30s, I got my second piercing. So I have two on my ear. And it wasn't until I was 39 that I got my first three tattoos. I currently have five, but my first three when I was 39. I purposely didn't say anything about getting them. And I waited till they were done. And then I sent mom a message and a photo saying, so I did something. Initially she thought they were fake. I was like, no, they're they're real. She mostly accepted them. But again, I still felt judged because they didn't fit the tradition. Traditional views about traditional growing up. One of the biggest things this includes is that women were to find a man, get married, and have children. And to be honest, it's actually a conversation that no one in my family has ever had with me. No one's ever asked me, did I actually want kids? It's just assumed that this would happen because that's what it's meant to be. Whilst they were alive, I had both my grandmothers make comments about wanting great grandkids before they died. And uh safe to say, sorry I failed at that one. They didn't get any from me. All my cousins. I'm the eldest. For most of my life, I've felt like a round peg in a square hole. Like I don't fully fit. One of traditions and expectations, and the other being truly unauthentically myself. An exhausting and overwhelming daily game of tug of war. And one that I'm now, at 42 years old, only just starting to make some ground up on. About 12 to 18 months ago, I decided that I can't keep hiding and not being my authentic self anymore. Just because I'm worried about disappointing others. Because I'm not lit not going to be living up to expectations. Reality is, and this is a hard pill to swallow, the only person I'm disappointing at the moment is me. Because I'm not being true to myself. Grandma passed unexpectedly in 2023. And while this was hard and really broke me, and in fact, our entire family, it also helped loosen some of the chains of tradition that have held me captive. Whilst I still have mum, who, as I said, shares some of the same views and opinions, it's now only one person, not two. Admitting some hard truths to myself, which I've honestly known since I was like five years old, maybe even younger, has also helped loosen those chains. That doesn't make the journey easy. I've always enjoyed my time at church and youth group and stuff. And it was always such a big part of my life, especially as a teenager. But I still felt that something was missing. I've recently begun rebuilding my faith. And before you automatically stop listening, I'm not one to push my beliefs on others. I speak from my experience only. But I will not shove it down your throat. I'm not a fan of being Bible-bashed myself. It's happened to me in the past. I don't like it. This is honestly just something that's been entrenched in me forever. And it is part of who I am. The decision of rekindling my faith also creates another epic game of tug of war. I don't like to do things by halves, I like to go all out. This game's not for the faint-hearted. There's so many ways that I could just go forget it, I'm done. But this new game is a three-way. On one side of the rope, I have a decision to basically be living two lives. Have my faith on display and other key parts of my life hidden, which is pretty much what I've already done for most of my life. Or the second part is flip it, hide my faith, and let the rest of me show. Let the rest of me shine. Again, that means keeping part of my life hidden. The third part of this rope that's being pulled in this particular game of tugaw is I live both parts of my life out in the open and be completely and truly me. This is obviously the option I really want to pursue, and I feel called to do so. But all of these options come with their own set of challenges. So what do I do? Option one sees me make others happy and hide a huge part of my life, meaning that I'm not happy and I'm not being truly me. Option two gives me the chance to unlock this huge part of my life, but then hide an equally as big part. Also, This option has the ability and the potential to disappoint. It could cause rejection and judgment. And again, I'm still only half living. Bibia comeros is coma bibiyamarias. A line from strictly boring. It stands for a life lived in fear is like a life half-lived. Bibia comieros is coma bibiyamarias. Two options require hiding at least half of who I am. Option three, the hardest one and the one I want to follow through with, I run the risk of judgment, rejection, losing friends, disappointing friends and family, and even having people look at me differently. Even though really it's still me. But on the upside, out of all of these, option three allows me to be my authentic self without hiding, without living in fear. Some fear. It opens the door to meeting new people and experiencing new things. So I have already met people from another country. And yes, they are real. They are genuine. And they just ooze life and joy. And I feel like I fit with them, hey. I feel like I've found my people. And I have hope for the first time in a long time that I can actually be happy and be free to be me. They don't judge, they just accept and love. It's something I've longed for all my life. This option also allows me to remove my mask that I've worn for so long. Anyone who knows me really well knows I'm really good at wearing masks. I can hide how I truly feel. I can hide pretty much anything. Kind of an expert at it, but I don't want to do it anymore. I want to remove the mask that's hidden, all these parts of me that have made me feel ashamed because of what others have said for so darn long. Personally, I'm actually not ashamed of these parts of me. But I've listened to others and their opinions, as well as falling into the snare of closed-minded traditional thinking. I've therefore become ashamed. I've hidden my true self. And if I'm being completely honest, I've never really been happy. All because I've been torn between tradition and being truly me. Torn between two worlds. So maybe if like me you felt torn between two worlds, or like a round peg in a square hole, like you don't fear. If you've felt like you're in a never-ending game of tug of war, take heart. You're not alone. You are not alone. We are all on our own journeys. And we shouldn't be ashamed of that. We shouldn't be conflicted between things that we want to be and worried about what others think about us. I'm still working on this one. I'm getting there slowly, but it's a massive work in progress. I'm sick of wearing a mask and hiding my full authentic self to the world. I've done it for too long already. And it's time to make a difference. It's time to be free. I hope that you found a spark of encouragement in this episode. And if you find yourself in a game of tug of war that is wearing you down, stop, think, reflect. Is staying where you are benefiting you and allowing you to be the best version of you? Are you just there because it's comfortable? Or all you've known for so long? Are you worried about what others will think? Are you worried about disappointing people? But are you done living by everyone else's expectations of your life? It's time to break free. Break free from the chains that have held you back for so long. By all means, please do not make rash decisions. That's not what I'm saying. Like hear me out. I'm not saying, you know, go quit your job because you hate it. I'm saying take the steps that you need to take to ensure you take back some ground in this game of tugwar of life. Take the time out that you need to think clearly and rationally about your situation. Talk to trusted people and pray if that's your thing. Seek the word of God. Whatever game of tugawah you are in, it's time to take charge and step out into all that is ahead of you. It's time to put yourself first for a while and become the best version of you today. Become someone that your younger self would be proud of and look up to. So as I close this episode, I want to say thank you for staying until the end. I appreciate it. And I honestly hope that something I have said today has ignited something in you, even if it's the tiniest spark of hope to move forward. Don't forget, you're not alone. We are all on our own journey to becoming unapologetically imperfect. Because let's face it, it's the best way to be. Until next time.