Part 2 Developing Your Marital Language, Marriage Communication That Actually Works Faith Filled and Real

Welcome back to Making Love Podcast with Tish and Pastor Roy where love gets real, faith leads the way, and marriage becomes something you actually enjoy (yes… even during the hard conversations).

And today?
We are diving into something that will either make you laugh, pause, or gently nudge your elbow like… “Hey… we should probably talk about this.”

Marital Language.

Because let’s be honest,
Sometimes it’s not what you said…
…it’s exactly how you said it.

The Big Idea (That Changes Everything)

You don’t just have a relationship…

You are building a language together.

In Part 2, Tish and Pastor Roy unpack:

• Why serving your spouse is not weakness it is wisdom
• How the way you communicate can either heal or hurt
• Why your marriage needs its own language not your parents’ version
• And how intentional communication builds deeper connection

Because if you don’t learn how to love your spouse their way…

You might be speaking… and they’re still not hearing you.

Let’s Talk About “That One Phrase…”

You know the one.

The thing you said that sounded totally normal to you…
…but somehow turned into a full situation 

Yeah… this episode goes there.

Tish and Pastor Roy share how many of our reactions come from:
What we saw growing up
What we heard repeatedly
What we thought was normal

But here’s the truth:

Just because you learned it… doesn’t mean it works.

Unlearning Is Part of Loving

One of the most powerful takeaways:

Don’t use my language… use my process.

In other words:

• Don’t copy someone else’s marriage
• Don’t repeat what didn’t work
• Don’t assume your spouse “should understand”

Instead:
Learn your spouse
Study what speaks to them
Build something that actually works for your relationship

The Silence We Don’t Talk About

Here’s where it gets real…

Silence in marriage can mean two completely different things:

In immature relationships → silence feels like tension
In healthy, growing marriages → silence feels like peace

That shift?
That’s growth. That’s trust. That’s connection.

Awwww… yeah, that one hits.

Love Languages… But Make It Real Life

This episode also touches on something we all overlook:

Touch is communication.
Presence is communication.
Even sitting in the same room counts.

It is not always about big gestures,
Sometimes it is:

• Sitting together while watching different shows
• A simple touch on the arm
• Choosing connection in small, everyday moments

And honestly… that is where real love lives.

• Faith-filled without feeling heavy
• Honest without being harsh
• Practical without being boring

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Final Thought

Marriage is not about getting it perfect.

It is about learning, growing, laughing, and sometimes saying:
“Hey… that didn’t come out right. Let me try again.”

Because when love is built intentionally—
it does not just last…

It gets better every day.

Tish and Pastor Roy Times have been making love and making it last for more than three decades.

They met at Joy Center in El Paso, Texas, dated for two whirlwind weeks, got engaged, and married four months later. Thirty-plus years, three grown sons, and two-and-a-half grand-babies, they're still each other's favorite people.

Roy serves as the local pastor of Joy Center Phoenix, shepherding his community with the same steadiness he brought to a 13-year career as a government contractor and many years in sales and technology. 

Tish is an ordained minister of nearly 20 years and the CEO of Tish Times Sales Agency, where she helps high-achieving women build companies that scale beyond them. Together they bring the head and the heart strategy and Scripture, candor and compassion to every conversation.

On the Making Love Podcast, Tish and Roy pull back the curtain on what it really takes to build a marriage rooted in friendship, faith, and purpose. They're not interested in the filtered, picture-perfect version. They're here for the real thing the laughter, the growth, the hard conversations, and the practical, faith-filled tools that help love get better every day.

They live in Phoenix, Arizona, where you'll most likely find them loving Jesus, chasing good coffee, and out on a hiking trail together.

www.themakinglovepodcast.com

Transcript

SPEAKER_02 0:02

Welcome to the Making Love Podcast with Tish and Pastor Roy. This is where love gets real. Faith leads the way, and marriage becomes something you actually enjoy. We're talking laughter, connection, and the kind of conversations that challenge what you thought you knew while giving you practical, faith-filled ways to make something that lasts. Whether you're married, dating, or just curious, this is your time to grow together, have fun, and create a relationship rooted in friendship, purpose, and connection. Because when love is made, it doesn't just last, it gets better every day.

SPEAKER_00 0:43

Hi folks, welcome back to the Making Love podcast with Tish and Pastor Roy. Today we're gonna do part two of developing your marital language. And Tish wants to dive right back into the different types of uh language and communication that you have in marriage. So let's go right for it.

SPEAKER_02 1:08

Yeah, you were when we finished last time, you were talking about how ministry, we have a ministry language in, you know, just really helping people to understand that when we say ministry language, it's really about how you serve your spouse. And even, you know, when people hear that, people think, ooh, serve, that sounds, you know. Well, this is the thing. If you're not serving your spouse, the likelihood is you're probably hurting your spouse. And there's an opportunity for us to really kind of redefine where that has come from, which kind of takes us into what we were gonna talk about as well. Um, as far as like relearning our parents' marital language, because or unlearning. Unlearning, yeah, unlearning our marriage, our parents' marital language. And this is the thing, it's not to say that your parent language was bad, because some of you all are going, yep, we have to unlearn that. And some of you might think, mine, you know, was pretty good. I would dare say our children have a, you know, a fairly decent example to follow, but at the same time, they're not us.

SPEAKER_00 2:17

Correct.

SPEAKER_02 2:18

You know, and they need to create what works for them. And so we, you know, we have a son that just got married. Obviously, we have older boys who've been in relationships for a long time. What would you say to them as it pertains to even unlearning what they may have seen so that they can create what works for them? And then we'll talk about our own experiences.

SPEAKER_00 2:39

I I would say don't use my language, use my process.

SPEAKER_01 2:45

Ooh.

SPEAKER_00 2:46

So the process I went through to learn the right language for my marriage. That's what you take with you. But don't take my language with you. Yeah. Because you're not marrying my wife. That's so good. Um, and so, and so take with you the investment and time and intentionality to understand their love map.

SPEAKER_01 3:12

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 3:13

Where are they coming from, um, why certain words speak certain things to them, so that you can develop the right language for your marriage.

SPEAKER_02 3:25

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 3:26

Um, take that process with you.

SPEAKER_02 3:28

Right. And you know, what's what's interesting is I I love how you said that because I c I literally am thinking about the different boys and their relationships, and um I think about some of them who have partners who are more sensitive than others. Yeah. For instance, in areas that things wouldn't bother me at all would probably bother them. Yeah. And so we may think, well, I'm gonna say this just like my my my mom or my dad did. Don't do that because the person that you're with is not that person, and they may take it the wrong way or they may read something into it that you hadn't really anticipated. And so you have to develop your your household marital relationship, right? Your marital language that actually works for your your marriage. So what about unlearning your parents' marital language? What would you say about that?

SPEAKER_00 4:25

I would say it is both necessary and challenging because it's what you heard your whole childhood. Yeah. If you heard them bickering, it it it's just in there that you want to bicker.

SPEAKER_01 4:41

Yep.

SPEAKER_00 4:42

Um, and so you really have to learn how to unlearn what you've been hearing. Um, and that and honestly, it takes, you have to be intentional, but it will take a little bit of time. Uh yeah um for you to, and so uh you have to be able to give grace to people to unlearn certain things.

SPEAKER_01 5:05

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 5:06

Um, because you, you know, you gotta unlearn it yourself. So you gotta give grace. Um, and and you have to understand that sometimes people are just gonna mess up.

SPEAKER_01 5:14

True.

SPEAKER_00 5:15

Um, and so that's that's the kind of thing. I I love this story our bishop used to always tell about when he first got married.

SPEAKER_01 5:23

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 5:24

Um, and he was having a challenging moment um with his wife, and he was like, Well, this is my house, you can get out of my house. Yeah, yeah. Because that's what he heard his stepfather say all the time.

SPEAKER_02 5:35

She was like, peace.

SPEAKER_00 5:37

Yeah, yeah, but but but her map was, oh, I don't have to put up with this, I'm gone. And she headed straight for the door.

SPEAKER_02 5:43

She was a captain in the army. She was like, I have my own money, I got my own car, I don't need any of this.

SPEAKER_00 5:49

And he instantaneously was like, no, that's the wrong language.

SPEAKER_02 5:54

Come back, come back, come back.

SPEAKER_00 5:56

That's not what I mean. Um, but that's literally what it what has to happen. Yeah. Is um you gotta be able to identify where did that phrase come from? That phrase came from my mom. That phrase came from my dad. Yeah. Is it working? No, it's not working. Okay, we gotta, we gotta lock that out. Yeah, we have to figure out what how do I say what I need to say in order to communicate properly with my with my spouse. And it just takes intent and it takes time.

SPEAKER_02 6:22

Yeah, I mean, I we joke a lot about the fact that I am an introvert, no doubt. Um, and but I also realized some of those habits and tendencies I saw my in my dad. Because, you know, my dad, he'd be a party animal until he was tired, and then he would get up and go to bed, walk out of a party that he invited everybody to and just leave. And you'd find him in his bedroom, either fully asleep or watching, you know, old gunsmoke or something, you know what I mean? Some old Western. And I realized that there's that part of me I'm like, ooh, I'm excited. I'm like, you know what? I'm over this. I'm I'm ready to go. You know, I'm ready to go shut down or whatever. And so some of that relationship, or some of that communication rather, fully came from, you know, what I saw in my household. And unfortunately, I saw, you know, my mom having to feel like she had to like fill in and overcompensate for what my dad started and then left for her to clean up, if you will. Yeah. And so there's a little bit of both of those that I think that I've brought in, you know, where definitely, you know, I'm a host. I love, I do love hosting. Yeah. But I also love being able for people to go home, right?

SPEAKER_01 7:39

Love that.

SPEAKER_02 7:40

And so there's a little bit of of both of those that that that have rubbed off. The thing that I think I have had to relearn of among many things, of course, but the thing that really stands out is not so much the words spoken, it's the silence.

SPEAKER_00 7:56

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 7:57

It's the silence because as much as I loved watching my parents, you know, almost 50 years of marriage before my my dad passed, I saw them have lots of silences. They were very boisterous and gregarious when they had friends in the room, but when they were by themselves, I didn't see them talk a whole lot.

SPEAKER_00 8:18

Right.

SPEAKER_02 8:18

And so, you know, there's definitely a part of me that has to kind of create, you know, let me let me say something almost because I'm so used to just kind of going into my own head or thinking about other things, or you know me, I'm like planning a business strategy instead of engaging because that's something that I saw for a really long time.

SPEAKER_00 8:39

Absolutely. And I I'm I'm the same way in terms of um remembering I we have to communicate, we gotta connect. Um and I have to make certain adjustments in what feels normal, natural for me to be doing in order to make space for that connection.

SPEAKER_01 9:02

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 9:03

Um one of the things that I I have learned is for there to be a comfortable silence requires um marital maturity.

SPEAKER_01 9:17

Ooh, yes.

SPEAKER_00 9:19

Because when your marriage is immature, silence begins to convey discord. So true. So true. Yeah. Because the person's mind just takes the silence and starts thinking, this must be wrong, that must be wrong, I'm what did I do, what did they do? Yeah. Um, and and and it and so silence just conveys discord.

SPEAKER_01 9:41

Right.

SPEAKER_00 9:42

But when you have been married and your marriage has matured, the silence does what silence should do. It says nothing.

SPEAKER_02 9:50

It does, exactly. Yeah, and I think that some of the things that we've kind of just kind of instituted in our relationship because it's who we are. So I'm all day, I'm gonna be watching the Food Network. I'm gonna be watching HD TV or something akin to that, or maybe a love story or something, and then you're gonna be watching somebody getting blown up, something getting shot, or somebody flying through space. And, you know, those are things that we do separately, but we've learned how to, in some cases, do them together. So I might be watching the TV and you might have your iPad and your, you know, but we're still in the same room.

SPEAKER_00 10:27

And that's that's and we can still reach out and do this exactly and touch because touch is communication. It is, definitely. Um, and I will say this um touch is a language that far too many people misunderstand, right? And they don't know how to properly communicate just with touch.

SPEAKER_01 10:49

Yeah, very, very true.

SPEAKER_00 10:51

Um, and that's something that uh we really, really, really have to hit on, and people really need to investigate. Because I remember when we first got married, my whole thing was this whole, this light I'm not be like, and then Jover like, stop doing that. I'm being romantic, I'm being gentle.

SPEAKER_02 11:10

I'm like, that's icky. It makes me all yeah, I don't love it.

SPEAKER_00 11:14

Yeah. So so I had to learn the the right way to touch that makes her feel what uh I would the emotion I wanted to elicit. Yeah um and so proximity allows for that that type of communication.

SPEAKER_02 11:29

It does, without a word.

SPEAKER_00 11:31

Uh without you actually using words. Because while we when we talk to people in a marriage counseling setting, we always encourage people to use your words. But it is a natural part of human nature to have nonverbal communication. It is so you have to learn to master it.

SPEAKER_01 11:54

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 11:55

Right? And so touch is vital, touch is critical because just because I am upset about a situation or about something you said, it doesn't mean I don't want to touch you for real in the right way.

SPEAKER_01 12:10

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 12:11

And so while I might not want to say anything to you, I'm still gonna touch you and let you know, hey, we're still connected.

SPEAKER_02 12:19

Right. And I think it's important to highlight the fact that, and it could be either based on the the relationship and the choice and the the environment or the atmosphere that's been created, but it it might need to be non-sexual touch, you know. Oh, absolutely. You know what I mean? It just needs to be, I'm here, I love you. We may have an issue around a specific topic, but you and I are still connected, right? Um and in and in some cases it is, you know, depending on what's happening in that particular scenario. But at the end of the day, touch is a language in and of itself.

SPEAKER_00 12:56

Yes.

SPEAKER_02 12:56

And if people don't do it, they're missing the opportunity to remain closely connected. And that that oxytocin that's built up as a result of it that really makes you feel closer to someone even when words are not necessarily being used.

SPEAKER_00 13:13

Absolutely.

SPEAKER_02 13:14

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 13:15

And again, that I feel like that's so vital that we understand how to communicate um even nonverbally.

SPEAKER_01 13:25

Right.

SPEAKER_00 13:26

Um because as people, we're going to look for and pick up on um body language.

SPEAKER_01 13:33

No doubt.

SPEAKER_00 13:34

And so you need to know what is my body saying.

SPEAKER_01 13:36

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 13:37

Um, we we talked about it before, how um you're telling your spouse, I want to be here with you, I want to support you, but when they look at you, you know, your arms are crossed and you're looking sad and you're looking or you're checking your phone all the time. Yeah. So your words are saying, I support you, I'm here for you, I want to be with you, but your body is saying I want to be anywhere else. And so now they feel like they're being gaslit.

SPEAKER_01 14:05

Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Right? Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 14:07

It's like, am I crazy or does this person really want to get out of here? Yeah. Even though they say it keeps saying they're here for me, but they look like. And so we we have to learn how to properly communicate. If you committed to doing something you don't want to do in order to support your spouse, then doggone it. You better look like you want to be there doing it.

SPEAKER_02 14:27

Sure, absolutely. And there's nothing wrong with having a conversation around the fact that, you know, this isn't, this isn't my thing. I love you and I want you to go and enjoy yourself. This is not my thing. I'm not going to see Star Wars with you. I'm just not doing it. The Mandalorian, whatever it's called. Yeah. Yeah, not doing that.

SPEAKER_00 14:46

I'm not inviting you.

SPEAKER_02 14:47

I'm not doing it. I'm not having it. And I'm going to see The Devil Wears Prod of 2 all by myself. And that's okay. Amen. But the conversation must be had so that it's not, you know, I'm not sitting in the movie theater going, well, shoot, he didn't want to come. Why didn't, you know, what did I do? What's wrong? We're having this conversation all by ourselves instead of having it with our spouse and giving each other permission to be fully themselves. That's probably the biggest gift you've given me in our in our 30 years of marriage is the permission to be fully me all the time.

SPEAKER_00 15:20

But that's what marriage is. It's two people creating an atmosphere where you can be yourself and nobody's gonna judge you for it.

SPEAKER_02 15:29

Yeah, yeah. What about? Because this is something, thank God I've not had it in many years. Now, I'm not gonna say I've never had it, because we we both know that we when we started, we were still learning this whole thing. But, you know, for many, many years, I've not ever felt like I would walk into my house, walk into our house and have to walk on eggshells and be very, you know, careful with what I said or didn't say or did or did not do. What would you say to the person who feels like, well, I want to have this conversation, but if I bring it up, it's gonna create a problem, it's gonna create a fight. Um, I always felt like I'm walking on eggshells. Now, mind you, we're we're not touting ourselves to be marriage counselors, however, we get a chance to do marriage ministry on a regular basis. And so, you know, just based on our experience, the people we've talked to and what we've had in the 30 years of our relationship, what would you say to that person?

SPEAKER_00 16:27

I I would tell that person, and obviously it depends on the severity of the topic.

SPEAKER_01 16:31

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 16:32

Um, but I would tell that person, if you feel like you're walking on eggshells, then just go ahead and walk on them. Because if this is that important that you need this, you feel like you need this, then you need to have the conversation. Yeah. And if the first time you have the conversation, um it becomes a little adversarial, then pull back and then come at it again until you both learn how to have the talk that you need to have to make the progress you need to have made.

SPEAKER_01 17:09

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 17:09

But you can't shy away from what you need because you're afraid of somebody getting upset or you're afraid of, you know, cracking some eggs while you're walking. Yeah. You you have to be able to have those conversations. And I I know you and I, when we first got married, there were all kinds of things you didn't want to tell me because you were afraid of what how I would react. And I had to learn to grow up and not react that way.

SPEAKER_01 17:37

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 17:37

So that you felt comfortable saying what you needed to say. And the same was true of me. There were things that I was dealing with that um I was afraid to tell you about. And so I had to learn.

SPEAKER_01 17:51

Yeah, for sure.

SPEAKER_00 17:52

And that's just it's a part of life.

SPEAKER_01 17:54

It definitely is.

SPEAKER_00 17:55

It really is a part of life.

SPEAKER_01 17:56

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 17:58

If you're gonna eat omelets, you're gonna break some eggs.

SPEAKER_02 18:00

Yeah, no doubt.

SPEAKER_00 18:02

Unless you want the the kind that come in a cart and the eggs that the fake eggs are coming a cart.

SPEAKER_02 18:07

Right. I mean, I think it's it's also important to really do a quick, you know, an important inventory and make sure that it's not more about your feelings than it is about the marriage. Because frequently we'll say, well, I don't want to upset them. But in all honesty, I don't want to have the confrontation because I don't like how it makes me feel, opposed to this is what needs to happen for us to get from where we are to where we really need to be in this marriage. And so I'm willing to sacrifice this moment for us to have an everlasting, you know, a long-lasting relationship. But frequently it's more about me than it is about us.

SPEAKER_00 18:48

Right. And to that point, sometimes people don't want to have certain conversations and they say, I just don't want to hurt them. Really, you don't want to deal with them when they're hurt.

SPEAKER_02 18:58

You don't, you don't, absolutely.

SPEAKER_00 19:00

But you you need to say what you need to say. Yeah. Um, and then just be there for them and support them as they deal with it.

SPEAKER_02 19:08

Right.

SPEAKER_00 19:09

Um but I agree with you a lot of the times we don't want to say stuff because of us, not really because of them.

SPEAKER_02 19:17

Not at all. And and I think that it's also an exercise in learning how to say what you need in a conversation.

SPEAKER_00 19:26

Right.

SPEAKER_02 19:27

So, you know, I think it it definitely took us years to be able to say things like, when you say this, it makes me feel this.

SPEAKER_00 19:34

Right. Without triggering a defense mechanism in the other person's way.

SPEAKER_02 19:38

Right. And, you know, it it requires us to grow so that that defense mechanism is not always on, like ready to be flipped. Exactly. Because we're waiting for that one thing to be said. I think one of the most mature things that I believe God has given me to do, and I I do it obviously in in in in private. I don't have to say that I'm saying this to you, but there's times where God is like, I want you to ask yourself, how could you communicate that better? How can you communicate that differently? How can you communicate it in his language, not in yours? And that in and of itself has been so powerful because it enables me to take a moment before I say anything to you anyway. Right. And so what I would have said is completely translated into something that's much more palatable for you by the time you hear it.

SPEAKER_01 20:29

Right.

SPEAKER_02 20:30

Um, you know, we told the story a while back around the couple that we, you know, got a chance to observe that were they were missionaries and, you know, just got some really great counsel for them, from them when we first got married. And that has always lived in my mind. You know, I encourage you to go back and look at some of our first episodes to hear that story about, you know, Ron and Bernadette. But they imparted something in me just as a reminder that, you know, do I want to have, do I want to be right in this moment? Or do I want to have a lasting, happy, joyful, you know, relationship that I can really enjoy? Right. Um, because many times we choose to be right in this moment and be left behind. Because we've chosen that this is so important. I'm gonna literally put a flag in the ground around this one thing instead of deciding how can I make this a more productive conversation opposed to me just getting something off my chest.

SPEAKER_00 21:36

Right. And and I I I think the flip side to that is let me just let my spouse vent and I'll just be here.

SPEAKER_01 21:50

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 21:52

Without giving them solutions or without telling them they're being immature and silly.

SPEAKER_01 21:58

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 21:58

I'm just letting them vent a little.

SPEAKER_01 22:01

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 22:02

Um, in a safe space.

SPEAKER_01 22:04

Right.

SPEAKER_00 22:04

Where nobody's gonna find out about it, nobody's gonna get a text message. Yeah. There won't be a Facebook post afterwards.

SPEAKER_02 22:11

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 22:12

Um and and so they can hit the release valve a little bit um and then be able to move forward and I and we can move forward together.

SPEAKER_01 22:20

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 22:21

Um part of marital communication is an element of intimacy and safety.

SPEAKER_02 22:32

Yes.

SPEAKER_00 22:34

I I I need to it needs to be safe for me to say certain things, how I feel, even I'm not gonna act on them, but I just need I just need that release valve so I can say it, hear it, realize, you know what, no, and have that person that's not gonna judge me for it.

SPEAKER_02 23:00

Right. The the thing that we decided together, and I'm so grateful for, we we said early in our relationship that we are always gonna have peace in our house.

SPEAKER_00 23:11

Yes.

SPEAKER_02 23:12

And we have kept that. You know, I don't care what happens outside, this needs to be a sanctuary. This needs to be a place where we can be at peace with each other, we can have the safety of being fully ourselves and communicating in a way that doesn't always feel like a trigger, doesn't always feel like, again, someone has to walk on eggshells. And I think that's a powerful decision for any couple to make. It's like, whatever it takes, decide that you're going to create a place of peace, not only in your physical abode, in your house, but in your relationship, because there has to be a place of safety. There has to be a place where I may have to consider this or walk on eggshells with many other people, but with this person, I get to be me all day, every day. And so with that, I really invite you to take the time necessary. As we said last week, develop your marital language, examine it. And if it means that you have to redefine, re-re-create it together, yeah, then do that because your marriage absolutely rests on the way that you communicate or don't. So we will see you back next week on the Making Love Podcast with Tish and Pastor Roy. And we just appreciate you being with us today. Talk to you next time.

SPEAKER_00 24:38

As we wrap up today's conversation, remember, marriage isn't just about getting through life together, it's about truly knowing, supporting, and enjoying one another along the way. When you create your relationship on faith, true friendship, and intention, love becomes something that grows stronger every day. If this episode spoke to you, share it with someone who means the world to you and keep leaning into the kind of love that lasts. We'll see you next time, Love Podcast with Tish and Pastor Roy.