After Domestic Abuse: Healing, Breaking the Cycle, and Building a Healthy Marriage

What happens after you leave an abusive relationship?

Leaving may be the first step toward freedom, but healing doesn't necessarily end when the relationship does.

In this deeply personal episode of The Making Love Podcast with Tish and Pastor Roy, Tish shares her experience of surviving an abusive marriage and the emotional work required to move forward. Together, they explore how abuse can affect trust, communication, confidence, and future relationships.

This isn't only a conversation about leaving.

It's about what happens after you leave and realize you still have healing to do.

When the Relationship Ends, But the Impact Remains

Tish explains that leaving an abusive marriage was only one part of her journey. The fear, emotional wounds, expectations, and relationship patterns she carried afterward didn't simply disappear.

She had to confront what the experience had taught her about love, marriage, herself, and what she believed a relationship should look like.

Healing required intentionality, self-awareness, and learning that her past did not have to determine her future.

The Red Flags We Sometimes Ignore

Tish also talks honestly about recognizing warning signs but convincing herself things would eventually change.

Maybe marriage would make things better.

Maybe having a baby would change things.

Maybe changing circumstances would change the person.

This conversation isn't about blaming someone for remaining in an abusive relationship. It's about understanding how hope, love, fear, and family expectations can make it difficult to acknowledge what is happening.

What Did We Learn About Marriage From Our Families?

Tish and Pastor Roy explore another important question: How much of our relationship language comes from what we watched growing up?

The way our parents communicated, handled conflict, expressed anger, used silence, or resolved problems can influence our own relationships.

Sometimes we carry those patterns into marriage without realizing it.

Creating a healthy marriage may require identifying those behaviors and intentionally deciding which patterns need to continue and which need to stop.

Abuse Doesn't Only Happen to Women

Pastor Roy reminds listeners that domestic violence and abusive relationships can affect men as well.

Abuse isn't always easy to recognize, and it doesn't always look the same from one relationship to another. Control, intimidation, manipulation, anger, and unhealthy communication can all be part of dysfunctional relationship patterns.

The important thing is recognizing that abuse is serious and that people deserve safety, support, and a path forward.

How Do You Help Someone You Love?

What do you do when you believe someone you love is in an unhealthy or abusive relationship?

Do you speak up?

Do you stay out of it?

What if they become angry with you?

Tish shares from her experience working with organizations focused on family violence and helping people understand that there can be another path.

Sometimes the hardest conversation is the one someone desperately needs to hear.

Healing Enough to Love Again

Perhaps the heart of this episode is what happens when someone who has experienced abuse chooses to love again.

How do you learn to trust?

How do you communicate without assuming the worst?

How do you recognize when your past is affecting your present?

And how do two imperfect people build a healthy marriage when they both bring their own experiences into the relationship?

Tish and Pastor Roy talk honestly about grace, communication, healing, and the intentional work required to create a healthier relationship.

Because a healthy marriage isn't simply something you find.

It's something you build together.

In This Episode

• Surviving an abusive marriage
• Healing after domestic violence
• Emotional effects of abuse
• Recognizing relationship red flags
• Why people sometimes ignore warning signs
• Domestic violence and unhealthy relationships
• How family history influences marriage
• Breaking unhealthy relationship patterns
• Rebuilding trust after abuse
• Marriage communication
• Helping someone in an abusive relationship
• Creating a healthy marriage after abuse
• Faith, grace, and healing
• Learning to love again

Join the Conversation

Have you ever realized that something you learned about relationships growing up was affecting your own relationship?

Maybe it was the way you handled conflict. Maybe it was anger, silence, fear, or believing that love meant simply staying no matter what.

Tell us in the comments. Your story or perspective may help someone else recognize a pattern they haven't been able to put into words.

About The Making Love Podcast

The Making Love Podcast with Tish and Pastor Roy is where love gets real, faith leads the way, and marriage becomes something you can actually enjoy.

Through honest conversations about marriage, communication, intimacy, faith, friendship, conflict, and connection, Tish and Pastor Roy explore what it takes to build a relationship that lasts.

Because when love is made, it doesn't just last. It gets better every day.

domestic violence, surviving abuse, abusive marriage, healing from abuse, emotional abuse, domestic abuse recovery, healthy marriage, marriage after abuse, rebuilding trust, relationship red flags, toxic relationships, marriage communication, healthy relationships, Christian marriage, faith and marriage, overcoming abuse, relationship healing, breaking unhealthy relationship patterns, The Making Love Podcast, Tish and Pastor Roy

#MakingLovePodcast #SurvivingAbuse #HealingFromAbuse #HealthyMarriage #MarriageAfterAbuse #DomesticViolenceAwareness #RelationshipHealing #EmotionalAbuse #HealthyRelationships #ChristianMarriage #MarriageCommunication #FaithAndMarriage

Tish and Pastor Roy Times have been making love and making it last for more than three decades.

They met at Joy Center in El Paso, Texas, dated for two whirlwind weeks, got engaged, and married four months later. Thirty-plus years, three grown sons, and two-and-a-half grand-babies, they're still each other's favorite people.

Roy serves as the local pastor of Joy Center Phoenix, shepherding his community with the same steadiness he brought to a 13-year career as a government contractor and many years in sales and technology. 

Tish is an ordained minister of nearly 20 years and the CEO of Tish Times Sales Agency, where she helps high-achieving women build companies that scale beyond them. Together they bring the head and the heart strategy and Scripture, candor and compassion to every conversation.

On the Making Love Podcast, Tish and Roy pull back the curtain on what it really takes to build a marriage rooted in friendship, faith, and purpose. They're not interested in the filtered, picture-perfect version. They're here for the real thing the laughter, the growth, the hard conversations, and the practical, faith-filled tools that help love get better every day.

They live in Phoenix, Arizona, where you'll most likely find them loving Jesus, chasing good coffee, and out on a hiking trail together.

www.themakinglovepodcast.com

Transcript

SPEAKER_01 0:02

Welcome to the Making Love Podcast with Tish and Pastor Roy. This is where love gets real. Faith leads the way, and marriage becomes something you actually enjoy. We're talking laughter, connection, and the kind of conversations that challenge what you thought you knew while giving you practical, faith-filled ways to make something that lasts. Whether you're married, dating, or just curious, this is your time to grow together, have fun, and create a relationship rooted in friendship, purpose, and connection. Because when love is made, it doesn't just last, it gets better every day.

SPEAKER_00 0:43

Welcome back to the Making Love Podcast. Today's topic is a deep one. We're talking about how to survive after abuse in marriage. Um, and so um many of you already know my wife's story. Um, her first marriage, which was not to me. She was involved with an abusive partner, and so she's gonna really talk about the state of mind and what it took to change her state of mind so that she could get free and move forward with her life and find the man of her dreams. Yours truly.

SPEAKER_01 1:27

Well, I'm glad I found the man of my dreams. You know, what's what's really interesting is that some people think that leaving the abuse is all that it takes. So, like leaving the marriage was one thing, but leaving what it left in me was something completely different. And I I I really, this is one that I've thought a lot about because I know how difficult, number one, it was to leave. And I just remember how much it impacted me thereafter and how I had kind of gotten really hardened and didn't know that I would ever, you know, have another relationship. Um, before we get really deep into this, I want to kind of share a little bit about how I knew, but didn't want to admit that I knew what I was getting myself into. And I think this is important because no one talks about this. No one talks about this. Um, most people will say things like, you know, it wasn't until we moved in together that I found out who he was, or um, you know, once I got married, then he changed. But I bet for most people, there is this, there's a red flag. There's a moment in time where you know what you're getting yourself into. And I know that sounds hard. So I'm not saying that it's your fault, right? I'm not saying that you're making a choice to do something detrimental for yourself. Um, but I am saying that there are often signs that we we choose to ignore because at least for me, I thought it's definitely gonna change. You know, definitely when when we get to dot dot dot.

SPEAKER_00 3:06

Right.

SPEAKER_01 3:07

Right. Once we get married, it'll be better. Once we get, you know, because I, you know, of course, I was um had a baby early on. Once the baby's born, it'll be better. Once we get away from all of the, you know, he was in the military. Once we get away from all of this, it'll be better. So there were so many signs that I just chose to ignore without realizing that's what I was doing. Yeah. You know, and um we often meet people in, you know, in ministry who are in that stage, and it's so difficult to share with someone what there's what they're getting themselves into because in that moment, you were blinded. And we've been talking a lot about blindness at church, right? But we're blinded by what we consider we think it's love. We're blinded by not wanting to disappoint family. So I came from a family, as you well know, of a long history of marriage, right? So my parents, when my dad passed away, they'd been married almost 50 years. My sister and her husband to this day are married, and they've been married about 40 years. It that, you know, there was this all of this history that I felt like I needed to live up to. So there was a part of me also that didn't want to disappoint family through getting a divorce or through not having a successful relationship, whereas I never had a successful relationship.

SPEAKER_00 4:30

Exactly right.

SPEAKER_01 4:30

Yeah, never had a successful relationship at that point and didn't even realize it. And so I think that this particular topic is so important. And I'm I'm speaking to specifically young women, but not only young women.

SPEAKER_00 4:46

And not only women, because we know that there are men that are also I I grew up, I had a friend when I was a kid. He was an adult, but you know, um, that he was in an abusive relation. His wife, uh, she beat him like an old sheep.

SPEAKER_01 5:04

Yeah, yeah, yeah. And and let me ask you this how often in other areas and other relationships in your your family or growing up were you aware of of abuse going on in families or in in in relationships?

SPEAKER_00 5:18

Oh, I I mean, I had my my aunt and uncle. I sat and watched it. Um I was surprised.

SPEAKER_02 5:26

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 5:27

Um I was surprised at n initially by the that the the burst of violence. Um, and then I was surprised at how well my aunt held her own in in that situation. So uh I'd say she gave as good as she got. And by the end, they were both like, you know, covering one eye and and just like we can't keep doing this kind of a kind of a deal. But um, and then I had a cousin. So I mean I've seen it, it's always been on the periphery. You don't talk about it.

SPEAKER_02 5:59

Right.

SPEAKER_00 5:59

Um, at least not while the parties are in the room, you don't talk about it. Right, right. Or while the kids are in the room, even though we see it. Um you know, the adults would talk about it. Um, but uh yeah, I I think if people really sort of take a good look at their families, a lot of times they'll find that there's maybe it's not to the extreme, maybe it's just somebody's controlling that you'll see the dysfunction.

SPEAKER_01 6:28

Absolutely.

SPEAKER_00 6:29

Um, I think a lot of people have been exposed to it and really haven't really thought about it.

SPEAKER_01 6:34

And that's the thing. I look back and I always think how many of my friends were aware of certain things, and no one ever I never, and I always look back, and maybe I would have, you know, told them to mind their business or whatever. I probably would have as much. That's what they say. 18 years old at the time, I probably would have. But I always think back, man, if my aunt or my mom or my sister or my you know friends would have said something and really tried to help me, I wonder if things would have been different. Um, but people are so hesitant to bring up that kind of a conversation, especially when it's someone that they love and they don't know how they're gonna react to it. And so this is what I want to hear, I want hear people to hear. I served on the board for the family against, I mean, the center against family violence for many years in El Paso, Texas, specifically talking about these types of things and went to the University of Texas El Paso and did talks about how to have conversations with people to help them to know that there's a different path and that there is a way of escape, um, and that they don't have to allow themselves to continue to remain in a situation that's dangerous, that is absolutely not for their good. And it's harmful not only physically, although it is harmful physically. And I know many people who've lost friends, you know, lost um loved ones as a result of domestic violence situation, um, have a very, very dear friend who watched her mother get gunned down by a romantic partner right in front of her. And she was a child at the time. So it's it's definitely damaging physically and it can be very, very um dangerous. But what happens emotionally and what what what is carried forward after the fact is equally as damaging, right? Um, the the thing I want to kind of talk about is how we were able to enter our relationship, even though there was baggage, right? There were preconceived notions, there were thoughts that I brought into our relationship as a result of that. And um, and how do how were we able to pass by pass through it and get through it? I know we talked a little bit about the shampoo and the Walmart. So don't have to go into that. Listen to a previous episode and you'll hear that story. But, you know, what other things? And I also want to kind of talk about some of the things on the reverse, although you had never necessarily been in an abusive relationship to the extent that I have. You know, you had some issues, anger issues, and things that you know we had to address as well.

SPEAKER_00 9:12

So I didn't know we were gonna talk about it.

SPEAKER_01 9:13

Yeah, I bet you did. So what what are some of the things besides that one instant? Did you ever find that there were times that I may take things more sensitive or more um serious than you intended it to be because of my history?

SPEAKER_00 9:30

Only every day.

SPEAKER_01 9:32

Yeah. Yeah, pretty much, right?

SPEAKER_00 9:35

Yeah, it was because you joke with people, you play with people. Um, especially like I I grew up, you know, you know, when you're at high school, your romantic parties, you wrestle and play around. And you was you were never down to wrestle, like never. And at first I'm like, oh, maybe I can't mess up her hair, but then you put braids. Yeah. And I still couldn't. So there were there were things um that that carried over. Yeah. Um, I remember the first time, well, not it wasn't the first time, but we were driving, and I I was, you know, I was driving fine, but you felt like I was driving too fast.

SPEAKER_02 10:18

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 10:18

Um, and you were literally afraid of of you know me running into something. And I remember getting upset with you about why can't you I don't you just trust me? I love you. I'm not gonna kill you in a car. And then you explain to me what happened. Yeah. And so I'm like, all right, fine, I'll slow down, I guess.

SPEAKER_01 10:40

Yeah, so one of the things that my ex-husband used to do, and it I can't, I haven't got an emotional about this in a long time. Maybe never, but it it it breaks my heart to think that 18, 19-year-old Tish had to deal with this. You know what I mean? He had to go through this. Um, but he would he would drive in a car on a like a wet road, um, like on a cliff or something that was already had its own danger. And he would go like 90 miles, 95 miles an hour, and he would say things like, I'm gonna kill us both. And so anytime someone would go exceed the speed limit or, you know, make me feel unsafe, all of that would come rushing back. And so again, it's important that we we talk about this because many times people don't realize that what they experienced in their previous relationships or what they even saw happening in their household, how much it impacts their current relationship.

SPEAKER_00 11:38

We talked about love maps. Yeah. Um, and sometimes abuse can inform your love map.

SPEAKER_01 11:46

Absolutely. Absolutely. And I think it almost always does.

SPEAKER_00 11:51

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 11:52

You know, and and I'll say for me, and you all know we're unapologetic about who we are. We're pastors, we love God, and we we we work, we live by the word. And it wasn't until I was literally set free. It took the power of Jesus to set me free. Yeah. Because there were, there were, there were years that that when you say fear, I mean that fear that's like making me shake and I mean, um tremendous amounts of anxiety, it was so real for me. Yeah, it was real for me for a long time. Um, and you, you know, also alluded to the kind of play fighting. And so in that first relationship, we would start play wrestling and fighting, but it inevitably always turned real. I remember we were literally playing, we were watching a TV show of some sort and you know, kind of playing around, and it ended up with his hands around my neck. And I was like, what just happened? You know, what in the world just shifted? And so again, I'm like, mm-mm, we don't we don't play fight, we don't wrestle, we don't do any of that, just because of what it, you know, the memories that it brings and what it kind of reminded me of.

SPEAKER_00 13:03

One of the things um that I found challenging as these, because these revelations don't come out all at once. Right. Okay, okay, don't drive fast, don't you pay for the shampoo. Yeah, like we these things come out piecemeal, right? And so you have to negotiate, navigate how do I deal with these things. And one of the things eventually that I began to feel is like, man, I I have to sort of truncate my natural behaviors in order to accommodate um the baggage, the fears, the whatever, the trauma. Yeah. And I'm like, I don't, I don't want to have to always be thinking about editing myself because you know you have whatever you're dealing with. Um, but I I know at one point, and I and I I I I'm embarrassed to say it wasn't immediately, um, but I know at some point I got to a place where I realized if I love her and if I want a life with her, then I have got to not expect her to heal, but be a part of her healing. Yeah. And if that means I gotta edit myself to give her space for wounds to close, to give her space for scabs to fall away, um, then that's what I need to do. And I need to inconvenience myself so that she can heal properly so that we can have a life together.

SPEAKER_02 14:39

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 14:40

Um, and it it it again, it I didn't understand that immediately, but eventually. And I'm at least grateful that eventually I learned.

SPEAKER_01 14:50

And I think on the reverse side of that, as you probably recall very well, there would be times when you would say something, and even in your, you know, playing around or whatever, I would always want to correct it or, you know, or say something. And it took me a while to realize it was because everything that was said in that first relationship was very intentional, this designed to damage you, trying to emotionally control or so on and so forth. And so I had to also be willing to reduce my sensitivity, if you will, to allow you to be yourself. Because I realized there were points where I was beginning to notice that when I saw you with other people, you were much freer than you were when we were just having a conversation. And I began to see those differences and have to, even if my mind started to think it, I'd have to say, let it go, let it go, let it go.

SPEAKER_00 15:40

Well, that's the thing about trauma. It has tendrils and it reaches more places more places than you would expect. Yeah. Um, and until until you get into a different environment, you really don't know um how far the cracks have spread.

SPEAKER_02 15:54

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 15:55

Um, and and I think at the end of the day, um, you just have to be willing to do what's required to allow for you know healing to happen.

SPEAKER_02 16:07

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 16:08

Um otherwise you're you're not the one for that person. In all in all honesty.

SPEAKER_01 16:13

And yeah, and if you're not willing to make that sacrifice, exactly.

SPEAKER_00 16:16

And so what we think let me just say though, before we go on, the sacrifices I made in the beginning were a seed. I'm reaping the harvest now and I love it.

SPEAKER_01 16:27

Yeah, yeah, that's good. I'll take that. I mean, the word tells us Also, what you're gorgeous.

SPEAKER_00 16:34

I thank you.

SPEAKER_01 16:36

Okay, go ahead. The word tells us, especially to the husband, that he ought to love his wife as Christ loved the church and gave himself for it. And that is that's a sacrifice that not many people are familiar with or willing to do. And so I applaud you for being willing to do that because it was, it was, I know it was not easy. And I also know that for most people, they don't even realize that it's a necessity, there's a requirement of the relationship. Um, we we've alluded to this before. I don't know that we've had a full conversation about it, but um yeah, I actually I think we did. So we won't we won't talk too much about it. But I remember, you know, when I would want to tell you something that was bad news that, you know, you would for whatever reason, and you can maybe share where it came from or not. But you know, there was definitely, you know, anger issues. And so because of my history, when I saw that anger, which I hadn't seen in you, you know, in most times, I immediately recoiled and felt like, you know what? So we don't talk about this, we don't talk about that, we don't, we don't have these deep conversations because it's too familiar. And I never, although I never expected you to become violent, there was a part of me that always thought if I push too hard or if I say the wrong thing, it could happen because of my history. And so I just shut down and didn't tell you things at all.

SPEAKER_00 18:01

Yeah, yeah. And I knew I I would get frustrated easily um for a myriad reasons. One, because I was immature and I always expected things to go to plan.

SPEAKER_02 18:17

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 18:18

And whenever they didn't, I would just lose it.

SPEAKER_02 18:22

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 18:23

Um, but I was I was immature. Um I also had my own trauma um from watching my being in the middle of my parents' divorce that I hadn't properly dealt with. Um, and so it sort of informed um my frustration and how it came out. Yeah. Um, and so I had to forgive um them in order to release that frustration. I had to mature in order to be able to, when I was frustrated, express it in a way that wasn't destructive but productive. Um, and so we both healed and grew so that we could make a marriage that that looks good, that feels good, that works.

SPEAKER_02 19:12

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 19:13

Um, and that's one of the things that uh people have to understand. I I I remember my psychology professor talking about her marriage and how, you know, the minute her husband stops making her happy, she's gone. And I thought to myself, how is that his responsibility? For sure.

SPEAKER_02 19:33

Right.

SPEAKER_00 19:34

That's crazy.

SPEAKER_02 19:35

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 19:36

That he how is he supposed to make you happy um when half the time you can't do it?

SPEAKER_02 19:42

Right.

SPEAKER_00 19:43

So I I remember early on, and so when I got born again and I learned the role of the husband, I'm I realized my goal is to give. And I'll keep giving until she is the the thing that I need. Um, and I will trust the process. Because if I'm giving and the Bible's teaching her to love me and respect me, then everything comes together. Yeah. But I can't r all of a sudden refuse to not give whatever it is that you need. And in our particular situation, I had to learn how to, you know, not do some things that were within my nature in order to give you space and time to heal and really to just respect who you are as a person.

SPEAKER_02 20:34

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 20:34

Um and so I learned that and it it helped us tremendously. And at the same time, you understood what what I needed.

unknown 20:44

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 20:45

Um, because, and I've said this before, I'll say it a million times. To me, above everything, loyalty.

SPEAKER_02 20:52

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 20:52

And if if I know nothing else, I know, you know, you're my ride or die.

SPEAKER_01 20:58

Absolutely. Always till the wheels fall off a I, you know, I just want to end this particular episode with just a reminder that number one, if you know people who were in this type of relationship, at the very least make yourself available. Yes. Because I was so young, and many, many are, you know, not all, but many are, that um they don't realize that there is an escape. And I would also say be very, what's the word? I don't want to say cautious, but again, I've seen this get so dangerous. And so, you know, if you need to get the right people involved, then by all means. We have, I know here in Phoenix there are organizations that you can talk to and get really great um, you know, information that can help you. I know El Paso, you have the Center Against Family Violence, that's where we're from. So I know that one really well. And I'm sure in your city there are others. Um, the the Texas Council on Family Violence, which I'm also um connected to in some ways, you know. I know the the director there. So reach out to people who can help and get information.

SPEAKER_00 22:07

I want to offer you this also for people who want to help someone. Um, there is an intimacy of abuse that that friend of yours that you're wanting to help is trapped in. And you have to you have to break the intimacy, but do it gently just to let them know I see you, I see what you're dealing with, I'm here for you. Don't smash it. Don't smash it. Just breach it and let them know I see it. It's not as, you know, blinded. I'm not blind, I can see you.

SPEAKER_01 22:42

Yeah. And so we look forward to seeing you back here next week on the Making Love podcast. I know this was a little bit of a deeper topic, but I think it's necessary and know that you're not alone. And to just know this, I'm praying for you. I'll see you next week.

SPEAKER_00 22:57

As we wrap up today's conversation, remember, marriage isn't just about getting through life together, it's about truly knowing, supporting, and enjoying one another along the way. When you create your relationship on faith, true friendship, and intention, love becomes something that grows stronger every day. If this episode spoke to you, share it with someone who means the world to you and keep leaning into the kind of love that lasts. We'll see you next time, Love Podcast with Tish and Pastor Roy.