Our Inner Critic Needs to STFU

In this episode, I’m calling out the one thing quietly running your life and wrecking your communication…your inner critic. You know the voice - the one that overthinks everything, replays conversations, tells you you’re not enough and has you reacting in ways that don’t even feel like you.

Spoiler: you’re not reacting to other people nearly as much as you think you are…you’re reacting to what’s happening inside your own head.

💥 Key Takeaways
- Why your inner critic isn’t a flaw - it’s outdated protection
- The subtle ways it hijacks your communication without you realizing it
- Why you’re probably reacting from your thoughts…not the actual situation
- How overthinking, people-pleasing and “matching energy” are all connected
- The uncomfortable truth: you might be creating the situations you’re frustrated by
- Why numbing (scrolling, drinking, overdoing) keeps you stuck
- What it actually looks like to challenge your thoughts in real time
- Why awareness - not perfection - is the goal.

🔥 In This Episode, I Talk About:
- My own inner critic and what it’s told me for years (and yeah…she’s ruthless)
- How it led me into people-pleasing, overfunctioning and resentment
- The patterns I didn’t even realize I was creating in my relationships
- The ways I tried to avoid dealing with it (overexercising, overdoing,
overeverything)
- What finally shifted when I stopped running from it and started sitting with it
- And how learning to challenge that voice changed the way I communicate.

And if this episode hit home, share it with someone who needs to hear it. Because when you change the way you talk to yourself, you change the way you talk to everyone else.

Transcript

The Inner Critic: That Voice in Your Head

SPEAKER_00 0:00

I rarely walk past a mirror or look at a picture of myself or watch a video of myself and not completely just rip myself to shreds. My inner voice is a freaking bully. And you know what? We all have one. Let's talk about it.

SPEAKER_01 0:17

Let's go.

SPEAKER_00 0:25

Welcome back to the Karen Confidential, real talk about real life and better communication. I'm your host, Karen Campbell-Smith. And if you have ever overthought a situation for days, felt ugly, fat, in an outfit, rehearsed a conversation in your head 438 times, felt stupid after you said something in a meeting. Congratulations. You're human and you have an inner voice. We all do. And it's not a hype person in there. They're assholes. We all have an inner asshole. And it's taking over our communication without us realizing it. This is a realization I recently came to. So today we're talking about it the inner critic. This is the voice that all of us have. There's nothing wrong with us. We all have one that makes us doubt ourselves. It makes us think that we can't, convinces us that we're not good enough, that we don't have what it takes. And it shows up in conversations and makes us react from emotion and not communicate very well. So again, there's nothing wrong with us. We just need to be aware of it. So hopefully after today, you'll be a little more aware of it. So our inner voice actually means well. It is the part of us that was developed to keep us feeling safe when we were younger. So it's trying to protect us. But as adults, what it does is it makes us feel like we need to prove things, that we need to protect ourselves, and that we need to pretend to be something that we're not. So that is where communication gets hijacked. And that is where you can show up as a shitty leader if you're not careful. I do teach this in leadership spaces, although I don't use colorful language when I do. I do say the word asshole in my session, though, but that's me being authentically me. Anyway. So to open up us thinking about this, I will share with you what my inner voice says to me. So from I mean, since I can remember, my inner voice has told me I'm fat. I have no idea where it came from. I don't know if it's because. I mean, my mom is a tiny human being, like literally four foot ten, and growing

Where It Comes From (And Why It Won’t Shut Up)

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up, she weighed maybe 90 pounds. So I don't know if it was me comparing myself to that and not really necessarily having the same build and my inner voice just coming up with that. I know for sure it was me looking at other girls my age, whether it was elementary, middle, high school, and not having the same build. I was never obese, I was never like super fat, but I was chunky. Like I definitely wasn't getting hired at Abercrombie and Fitch in the 90s. Like they'd have been ruthlessly like my girl. And I knew it, so I didn't go in there. Thank God. My my poor little self-esteem kind of take it. But to this day, and I've never weighed less. I've never been in better shape. I'm like very proud to say because it's not been easy to get here. I still have to fight that voice. I think it also goes back to like me thinking if I weighed less, that people would like me more and accept me more. Somehow that thought landed in there and became truth. My inner voice also tells me that I can't sit still, that I'm not allowed to rest, that I need to always be productive. I also have to fight that one. But I think that one comes from if I'm doing, if I'm achieving, then people will like me more, people will accept me more, people will love me more. So think back to when I was a kid, like it was all about grades. Good grades, good grades, good grades, straight A's. If I got a C or a D, it wasn't like I got grounded, but it was definitely like, what are you doing? That's not you. And that's true. I mean, I I was pretty capable of getting good grades, but I don't know where in my brain it became you can't sit still. You can't just on a Saturday rot in your bed and watch Netflix. Like for the longest time, I felt like I was doing something wrong and I felt like a lesser version of myself. Like I felt like a piece of shit if I was not being productive every waking second of the day. That's something that I've had to be very intentional in working on. I've posted about that specific one before on social media, and a lot of people resonate with that one the inability to sit still. I may do an episode just on that. We'll see. Stay tuned. My inner voice also tells me to worry more about other people's needs than my own. Because if I express what I need, then I'll be seen as too much and they won't stay and they won't choose me and they won't love me. So my needs don't matter. I'll just be quiet. I don't need it. I just want them to be happy. That did not lay me in a good place. That's one that I've had to work very hard on. Recovering from people pleasing is tough because well, recovering from any of these is tough because when you start changing your behavior, it feels like you're doing something wrong. And with people pleasing specifically, when you start saying no and having boundaries with people, you feel like you're disappointing them because you kind of are, but it's like getting to where you're okay with that. And that's something that I've been working on. So another not great thing that my inner voice does is it

How It Shows Up in Real Life

SPEAKER_00 6:10

makes me match energy. So if you come at me a certain way, oh, I'm coming right back at you times 10. Like if it's a contest of the assholes, there's no way you're gonna out-asshole me. I'm supreme asshole. I'm always winning. Always. It's not pretty. That is something I've really, really, really worked on. I've come a long way with that. I think the people that work with me would confirm that because I can get real snarky real fast. But I don't do it as much anymore. There are definitely times where if somebody is very aggressive, the big emotion takes over and I don't have that much chill. But I will say that I'm proud of myself in the progress that I've made with that specific inner voice that makes me want to be a complete dick. The other thing that my inner voice has done most of my life is make me feel like I need to be somebody that I'm not. Say yes when I don't really want to say yes, or agree with an opinion that I don't really agree with. That was especially true when I was younger. Um I just remember feeling like, I don't really think that's true, or I don't really agree with that, but what do I know? Like I haven't lived as much life and I don't even know what I'm basing that on. I'm just, I don't, my opinion must not be as important and they must be right. I think with age and lived experience, that one has kind of gotten a lot more quiet because over time I've lived through a lot of things. And so when I have an opinion on something, I know that it's based on knowledge that I've gained through living through things. And so I am somebody who can trust my intuition, have an opinion, and know that it's based on facts and lived experience and stand firm in it and not feel like it doesn't have validity in a room full of other people who are very brilliant and smart and have great opinions too. So I do finally feel like in those kind of situations, there is a place at the table for me where for a long time I did not. So all of that inner voice garbage in my head landed me in a place where I was people pleasing. I was not showing up in the best way in any of my relationships. I was overfunctioning in my marriage, at work, in my friendships. And then I was resentful over overfunctioning, even though it was my choice. And I was doing it from a place of wanting to be chosen, but then I was angry at how much I was doing in the relationship and it not being reciprocated. So it was like I was creating the crisis that I was then pissed off to be in. So I was completely disconnected from all of that. I had no idea that I was creating these situations for myself because of the inner voice that I didn't even realize was running the show. And I would argue that most adults are operating that way without realizing it. And that's why our communication is so freaking wonky. Social media does not help that. Because you're not in front of somebody and having an exchange, it's one-sided. So you can just throw shit out without having somebody counter it or seeing somebody's facial expressions or physically feel the vibe once you've said something. I think that that has impacted our communication to a whole different level of dysfunctional. But even when you are in person, if you have one person or two people who are completely disconnected from the thoughts that are going on in their head that are actually driving their conversations, it's freaking chaos. What I teach through my conscious communication platform in the leadership space is this can get especially sticky in leadership. Because if you are a leader and you aren't

The Damage: Relationships, Leadership & Self-Worth

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in tune with that inner voice, you are leading from that place. So that's where things like micromanaging come in, or not being able to take feedback, or not being able to give feedback in a constructive way. There's all these different ways that it shows up and it's magnified because you're the one that's in charge and you're the one that's setting the tone for the team. So if you're showing up with some whack ass energy, guess what? Team's gonna have some whack ass energy. It's gonna be not great. People don't leave jobs, they leave leaders who don't make them feel supported and seen. So I argue that that's the leadership crisis that we're in. We need more self-awareness. We need more leaders that are connected with themselves. And so that is the mountain that I'm standing on and shouting from is everybody needs conscious communication. Everybody needs to be connected with themselves. But again, it boils down to do you know what your inner voice is saying? And no, we're not crazy. We don't need to go to insane asylums. We're not like, but there is a conversation that happens in your head before you ever open your mouth. And there's a very high probability that you are completely unaware of that. And there is a reason for that. That's because digging into this stuff is not easy. Sitting with emotion, making sense of emotion, processing emotion, it's it's as painful as physical pain. Like your body doesn't know the difference between the two. And so most of us just choose not to. We numb it, we ignore it, we squash it down, we escape from it, but it doesn't go anywhere. I know for me, I had many escapes when I was operating completely disconnected from myself in a horribly dysfunctional, toxic, emotionally abusive marriage. I would overexercise. That was something I had control over, but it was like not just exercising, like I had to get six workouts in a week. And it wasn't just, oh, I did, I did 45 minutes, I'm good. No, I had to beat the shit out of my body. If I didn't work out hard enough in those workouts, then I would beat myself up. That inner voice was like, you didn't do enough. You're not good enough. I spent a lot of time doom scrolling. I think a lot of us do that. It's addictive, it's mindless, it's an easy way to ignore whatever feelings might be coming up. It's just it's an escape. It's a way to focus your attention on something else, right? Um, a lot of us drink. I had pretty good boundaries. I've always had pretty good boundaries with drinking during the week because of the crazy workout schedule that I held myself to. So I didn't really ever, I mean, there were times like during COVID, who the hell didn't drink during the week? Jesus, we needed some joy somewhere, but maybe on vacation I drink during the week. But like for the most part, I had a pretty healthy boundary with I don't really drink during the week. Now, when Friday night came, depending on what I was gonna do Saturday morning, because you know, couldn't take a day off of working out, and I made Saturdays my run days, and I suck at running, but I make myself do it because damn it, I needed to punish myself. So that would keep me from not drinking on a Friday night. Um, but the majority of my drinking happened if it was Saturday at four o'clock, what am I drinking? It was just I'm drinking because it's Saturday at four. Same thing on Sunday. Like, oh, it's Sunday afternoon because Sunday. So, and it's not like I would get hammered, but I mean, I would easily have a half a bottle, three-quarters of a bottle of wine, which for me is a lot. Sometimes, I mean, a bottle of wine for me has always been dangerous territory because I will feel like shit the next day. And I knew that of myself. And again, I'm an active person and I don't enjoy working out hungover, but you're damn sure right that I would because I needed to sweat it out and punish myself for having said bottle of wine. So sometimes I would save myself from that. I could do like a half bottle of wine and still get a decent workout in. I know that of

The Coping Mechanisms We Don’t Talk About

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myself, not anymore, because I don't really drink that much anymore. But where I would get myself into trouble are the social situations because I am a crazy extroverted extrovert. So one of my escapes was being social. Um, like I said in episode one, I was married to somebody who did not want to go out and be social. It's part of one of the biggest things disconnects in our relationship was I was constantly out doing things by myself. So if I got invited to go out, I was going out. And in that situation, I had very little chill. Like I would drink a lot. So, and then I'd feel like shit the next day. And then I had little kids at the time, and it was just, I just, it was not a good escape for me. And I would argue it's not a good escape for anybody, but it's a reality. There's so many of us that do it. The other big escape that I had that I didn't even realize that I had was buying random shit. I every weekend would go to like Target, TJ Maxx, Coles, the mall, like Walmart, and just buy random shit. Like a new shirt. I'd buy stuff on sale, but like the amount of random shit I would just constantly be buying. And I realize now looking back, it's because A, I was escaping. I was trying to get out of the house because there was probably a mood involved, and I was trying to get away from that. I think I was trying to fill a void. Like when I when I bought something new, there was that dopamine hit. Oh, I have a new shirt. Oh, I have a new candle. Oh, I have a new set of sheets. Whatever the hell I would buy. I don't name it, I would buy it. Like, and I'd it added up. Like it was reckless use of money, but I would justify it like, oh, but the shirt was only $15 at TJ Maxx. Oh, but I bought these really cute shoes and they were only $20. Like it was almost like a sport. But it was totally one of my go-to coping mechanisms. And that was a crazy reality to come to when I did. I don't do that anymore, thank God. And I don't even have credit cards anymore. But like that was what my credit cards and my name were a thousand percent just me going out on weekends to buy random shit. Amazon too, just deliveries every day, just random shit. So I say all of that and give you kind of an in to my brain and my escapes and how I've handled it to get you to start thinking about yours. My inner critic, my inner voice is mine, but we all have one. So I share this vulnerably, just like I do in any podcast episode. I get real, I get honest, I let you into my head in hopes of you thinking about your own situation, maybe having it open the door for you to start considering that. Because it's not easy work. Sitting with emotions is not easy, it's painful. And so we try to escape it. But the bottom line is you can't. I've gotten to where I am today in the two years since I ended my marriage because I've sat in some really uncomfortable shit. I haven't drank my way through it. I haven't spent my way through it. I haven't tried to avoid it. I finally just leaned into it. And when shit comes up, I acknowledge it. I'm like, what is this? Where is it coming from? Sometimes I'll go to Chat GPT. I have very specific prompts to use, and it's important to use the right words with chat. But when you do, damn, it's a great tool. I actually have information on that. And I may do an online session on that. So if you're interested in that, let me know. I do a live session on that. Doing one next week, actually. But anyway, processing it and then metabolizing it out, like movement. Movement is still very much a part of my life. I try to move every day. I just try to have a healthier relationship with movement. So today, movement was quick body weight, 10 minutes, and then a 30-minute walk, and that was enough. That was actually a lot. There are so many days where I'll stretch and that's it. There was a time where I would

Why Most People Avoid This Work

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have been like, God, you're a piece of shit. All you did was stretch today. I went through a yoga phase and I was like, if it's not hardcore, I'm doing handstands, balancing, like doing all this shit. It was like, it wasn't even yoga. I was like basically trying to take CrossFit into yoga. Like that's how ridiculous I was with it. Now I actually can rest. I can, but only because I've sat with really big emotions and I don't feel like I have to escape them anymore. So there's no easy road to it, but it is worth it. The payoff is amazing because you can finally feel peace. You can finally feel like I can breathe. I'm not running from anything anymore. I know that I can handle big emotions because I've handled it. That was a really hard thing that I did. Facing all of that. I know that I've got it because I've done it. There is nothing in your life that will make you feel more confident and more empowered than that. Facing the hard fucking thing and overcoming it. So, what do you do with your inner critic? Because it's not going anywhere. Mine still very much lives in there, like I said. She's still a butthole. Here's what you do. She is, she's a butthole. You have to start challenging it because what it says is not truth. Thoughts are not necessarily truth. So when something comes up, and I'll give you an example. For a long time, I was a very responsive person, and I still consider myself a pretty responsive person. But if I got a text, I was texted back within 30 seconds to a minute. Responsive. All access passed, doesn't matter who you are, you text me, I'm texting back. If I didn't get that in return, if I texted somebody and I didn't get a response, my brain spiraled. I would go into full like, oh no, are they mad at me? Did I do something? But I'm talking like overthinking off the cliff of doom. Now I'm a little more chill with that. Because maybe they're just not as responsive as I am. Maybe they're doing something else. Maybe, maybe it has nothing to do with me. That's a really good place to start in those situations. Stop making shit about you that's not about you. Yeah, I was guilty of that for most of my life. People are inside their own heads. Why are you making it about you? Worry about yourself. That's what you can control. And when that voice does come up and starts lying to you and starts saying some bullshit, you gotta go, hold on a second. When my voice says, You're fat, look at your stomach. Gross. I have to counter that and go, actually, I weigh less than I ever have in my adult life. I have a healthier relationship with moving and food than I ever have in my adult life. I've had two babies that were grown in this stomach and still have two little baby abs. I've worked really hard on this body and I'm proud of this. Body, so you sit down and you shut the fuck up. That's what I have to say to her. And it doesn't just take once, I have to do that often. But

How to Start Challenging Your Inner Voice

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I will say I have to say it less often since I've been doing it. Same thing with rest. If I'm being in sloth mode because it's been an exhausting week and I'm, you know, binge watching Burgerton and backing up the sex scenes four times. Good God, man.

unknown 22:30

Whew.

SPEAKER_00 22:31

I am. I'm single. What can I say? It's very entertaining. Anyway, I, you know, I if my voice is like, bitch, you should get up and do something. Like, what are you doing? It's countering that. Like, bitch, I've done enough. It's been a crazy week, and I'm allowed to lay here and enjoy this sex scene in Bridgerton if I want to. Like, sit down and shut up. You have to get firm with your inner voice. You have to start questioning it and stop believing everything that it says. That's how you get somewhere with it. That's how you start shutting it down. That's how you start reconnecting with yourself. And the goal here isn't perfection because we're humans. We are never going to get it right all the time, ever. So, oh hi, Mingus. Um, excuse me. Yes. You're very handsome, but we're gonna have to. Yeah, thanks. Okay, bye. Sorry about that. I have a zoo. You're never gonna get it right all the time. Don't make that the goal, or you will be let down. The goal is to get better over time. The goal is to, in the moment where that voice is kicking, to acknowledge it. Be like, oh, that's happening. This is this is what's happening. It's that voice trying to lie to me, trying to tell me something that's not true, trying to chime in where I don't want it to. That's step one. Acknowledge it. See it for what it is. Because that alone puts you ahead of a lot of people. Being able to, in the moment, realize what it is in the moment. From there, the next step is taking a breath and not operating from that place. Because in that moment, if you don't do anything about it, it is going to run the show. It is going to determine what your moves are, how you communicate, how you behave. So if you're able to acknowledge what it is, take a breath, and then choose something different, that's when you are able to change it and not let your inner voice be the one that's in control. Mingus. He's almost as stubborn as my inner critic. Also, don't try to be perfect and also don't be critical of this. Keep reminding yourself, everybody has one of these. We don't need to beat ourselves up any more than we already do. Don't be critical. Just be curious. Hmm, I wonder what that's about. Give yourself some grace. You're human. We all are. We all have this shit going on in our heads. So be kinder to yourself and reassure yourself in those moments. You know what? With the text, maybe they're busy. Maybe they're whatever. Like tell yourself what you need to hear so that you're not panicking. If you're in a situation where all of a sudden you feel threatened, I don't have to prove anything here. What why do I why do I feel that wave of emotion that makes me feel like I don't belong in this situation or that I need to overexplain and I need to prove? What is that? Do I really

Conscious Communication in Real Time

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need to do that? Question it. That's how you make progress with it. So before I learned all this, I really thought that I was reacting to the people around me. But in reality, I was reacting from everything that was going on inside of me. And I was projecting it onto them. So being able to make the shift and see it for what it is is conscious communication. It's being aware of what's happening inside of you before you speak. It's not answering on auto-reply. It's being intentional. It's being self-aware. It's being in tune with yourself. This is, and this is what I work with coaching clients on. It's because all of us have this inner voice, but it's figuring out what yours is, figuring out how it shows up, figuring out what your best course of action is in those moments. It's not always easy. And sometimes you need some help. So that is something that I do. If that's something that you're interested in, hit me up on the website. But really, what it comes down to is when you're able to change the way that you talk to yourself, and you're able to give yourself more grace and challenge that inner critic, you're able to talk to other people a whole lot better. Your communication improves, your relationships improve. And that's conscious communication. So with that, that is a wrap on episode four of the Karen Confidential. I'm so glad that you continue to join me for these episodes. And I hope that I will see you next time. Can't get enough Karen? Well, share, subscribe, and hit the notification bell for new episodes. You can also follow me on social or visit my website. And if you want to connect, send me an email. Okay, bye.

SPEAKER_01 27:19

Let's go.

SPEAKER_00 27:29

Yosemite Sam. Do you know who that is?

SPEAKER_01 27:32

Sam?

SPEAKER_00 27:32

Yosemite Sam. Yesemite Sam from the cartoons. Bugs Bunny.

SPEAKER_01 27:37

Oh the Yes.

SPEAKER_00 27:38

Uh huh. Yesemite Sam. There's like fire involved when he's mad. And he's all like, Mercy, oh yeah. Yeah, I gotta confirm. Okay. I think Yosemite Sam blows it out of his ears.

SPEAKER_01 27:49

Okay.

SPEAKER_00 27:50

It's been a minute.

SPEAKER_01 27:56

Random. Blood is so crazy, we're just having it right now.

What Actually Changes When You Do This Work

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He said, let's talk about it. I heard. Let's go. Let's go.