Words are cheap. Actions are everything.

In this episode, I’m getting into one of the fastest ways to destroy trust, confidence and connection…when words and actions don’t match.

You’ve experienced it. Someone says all the right things…but nothing actually changes. And over time, it makes you question everything.

This isn’t just about other people. It’s about the ways we do this to ourselves, too...and how that quietly wrecks our confidence and communication.

💥 Key Takeaways
- Why inconsistent behavior is so destabilizing (and hard to walk away from)
- The difference between manipulation and lack of emotional capacity
- How false hope keeps you stuck in cycles that don’t change
- Why breaking promises to yourself quietly destroys your confidence
- How small, everyday decisions create a self-fulfilling identity
- The real reason you don’t follow through (hint: it’s not laziness)
- Why confidence isn’t built through big moments—it’s built through consistency
- How self-trust directly impacts how you show up in every conversation.

🔥 In This Episode, I Talk About:
This one hits from every angle…because I’ve lived all of them:

- What it was like being in a long-term relationship where words and actions didn’t match - and how that eroded trust over time
- The pattern of “I’m sorry, I’ll do better”…followed by just enough change to keep me hopeful
- Why I don’t think it was always intentional - and why that actually matters
- Watching my son struggle with the same pattern and how it impacts his confidence
- The painful reality that I couldn’t fix it for him (and what that forced me to learn)
- The moment I realized…I was doing this to myself too
- All the ways I broke my own trust - big and small - and how that affected how I felt about myself
- What actually started to change things: small, consistent follow-through.

Transcript

Why This Pisses Me Off So Much 😅

SPEAKER_00 0:00

Two things that send me from fine to instantly pissed. People who can't drive. People whose words and actions don't match. I will save you the TED Talk on Road Rage. Today I want to talk about people who say all of the right things and do none of them. Oh, I'm excited to talk about this. You ready? Let's go. Welcome back to the Karen Confidential, real talk about real life and better communication. I'm your host, Karen Campbell Smith. It's a big week, guys. I turned 49 this week. Hence the big four and the big nine. I'm still trying to figure out how I feel about it. I think for the most part, I feel pretty freaking good about it. I will say that I don't feel as old as 49 used to seem when I was younger. Um I don't think I look as old as people who were 49 looked when I was younger. But like when my parents were 49, they were chains smoking packs of cigarettes since they were like 12. So we do have that on them. I also think that I'm much more equipped to deal with life at 49 as opposed to when I was younger. So for the most part, I'm I'm I think, yeah, I'm good. I'm good with it. Now talk to me again in a year when I'm facing 50. I don't know. I don't know how that's gonna be. But in honor of turning 49, I would like to share nine things that I have learned in 49 years. And I'm gonna do this like they do when you have the people that like check off the list on social. Okay, I love that. Okay. Number one, you are not responsible for explaining basic respect to grown-ass adults. I'll just push through is not a long-term wellness strategy. Yeah, darn. Oh, that's a good one. Your kids don't need a perfect mom, they need a real one.

9 Things I’ve Learned in 49 Years

SPEAKER_00 2:05

And self-respect being modeled to them will teach them more than any lecture ever would. Oh, okay. Leadership has nothing to do with being the smartest person in the room. It has everything to do with how you make people feel while they're in it. You don't need to attend every argument you're invited to. Man, that took me a long time to learn. Going through hardship sucks and it's inevitable. But going through it gives you an opportunity for growth that nothing that's easy can. Not everyone deserves access to you, even if they're used to having it. That's another one that took me a long time to learn. Words don't mean anything. They don't mean shit if there's not consistent behavior behind them. And confidence isn't something that you just magically wake up one day with. Confidence is something that you build by keeping promises to yourself. The last two are what this episode is about today. So I talked in the intro about it driving me freaking crazy when someone's words and actions don't match. It's hard to trust someone who says one thing and does another. It's destabilizing. It's because it's inconsistent. A lot of times, and background on this, I have a lot of experience in a lot of different realms with words and actions not matching. And it's not just having been in a relationship for a very long time with somebody whose words and actions often didn't match. I am parenting somebody who has uh struggles with this. And in reflecting on my life, I've done it to myself. So I'm going to talk about all of those things in this episode. But I'll start with my lived

When Words and Actions Don’t Match

SPEAKER_00 4:20

experience dealing with someone who would say one thing and do another. And it wasn't always blatant. It wasn't always, usually it would come out of a situation where he was doing something that was upsetting to me or making me not feel good. It felt like I was being mistreated. So I would articulate that. And there would be, oh, oh, I'm sorry, okay, I'll do better. There might be changed action for a little bit, but then inevitably it was never sustained. It was never long-term. It was short-term action. There was no consistency there. And that gave me hope that he could change. So in that case, in that respect, it was manipulation. It was, here are my words, here's a little bit of action to make you think that my words mean something. And then over time, while you're not really noticing, I'm gonna slide back to the behavior that made you upset and made you feel mistreated. That was a pattern that I ignored for 25 years. That pattern broke trust, eroded our relationship for 25 years because it was inconsistent. Because it was so destabilizing. Being in a situation like that, I thought he, I there were times that he could act better for months. And in those situations, I was like, oh, cool, this is the time, this is it. I had so much hope. I wanted to believe his words. I wanted to give him every opportunity to prove to me that he could follow up with

The Hope Trap: “I’m Sorry, I’ll Do Better”

SPEAKER_00 6:10

actions. And what it came down to is I don't necessarily think that his intentions were nefarious. I think that he very much wanted to change. It's just he didn't have the emotional capacity to put the work in and do the actions that it took to stand up to those words and to do what he said he was gonna do. I talked about this in the last episode. That negative chatter overtook him every time, and he would slide back into what was comfortable and what was familiar, and ultimately what was me perceiving him as mistreating me. I don't even know that that was perception, it was reality, but I'm watching my older son deal with something very similar. Um he abandons himself, much like my ex did in those moments where he'll make a promise I'm gonna do better at this, I don't like this version of me. I don't like how this is making you feel, I don't like this, I'm gonna change it. And then for a little bit, make some changes, have some action, build some wins, but then slowly not have the actions match the words. And it starts with like micro decisions. It's, you know, I don't like my physical self, so I'm gonna go to the gym more, or I'm gonna do better in school, so I'm gonna go to class. All it takes is one morning of I don't really need to go to class today and not going. That's breaking his promise to himself. That's not holding his actions to his words. And that sets a domino effect of him proving to himself that he can't. I realize that that was my ex's pattern. It's also my son's pattern, but seeing it in somebody who's still developing their identity and as the mother of that has been heartbreaking and really challenging. A,

When It’s Not Always Intentional

SPEAKER_00 8:15

because I can't fix it for him. I can't choose his actions for him. I can hold him accountable as much as possible. But when you're dealing with a 19, 20-year-old kid and I work, it's not like I can go in and micromanage and be like, get up, you're going to class. You know, there's some trust there. There's some I trust that you're gonna do what you need to do. And to be honest, as a mom, I don't think it does him any favors if I micromanage him. He has to learn how to be able to take the action that he needs to take to be successful and to build confidence. And when he doesn't do that, he has to be able to learn how to deal with the consequences and how to dig himself out of the hole that that lands him in. That's a cycle that we've been in lately, but it's a cycle he's had for most of his life. And as somebody who lived with a person who did that to himself and tried to fix it for him, that's a huge trigger for me because I see my kid struggling with it and I want to fix it for him. So it's been a big place of growth for me to observe it and to try to offer guidance wherever it's asked for and wherever I can to try to like help him navigate it. But making the point to him that they're your actions and in not following through on them, you're letting yourself down. You're breaking trust with yourself, you're breaking your own confidence because you're proving to yourself that you can't follow through on your own

Watching My Son Struggle With Follow-Through

SPEAKER_00 9:45

word. And that's why it feels like shit. But the interesting part about that, and I think what I've noticed in both him and my ex is when they get to that deep dark place of like, I can't do anything right, and look, I've fucked everything up and look where I am, it's a self-fulfilling prophecy at that point because they've proven to themselves that this is where they belong. To get out of that is the same process that it was to get in. It's just the opposite. It's instead of choosing to lay your ass in bed and not go to class and choosing to doom scroll instead of doing your homework and choosing to go to Chipotle for the tenth time instead of eating a meal at home rather than, you know, staying on a health journey that you say you're on. It's making the choice that makes sense that backs up the words that you said. Little ones, it's literally one day, I am gonna go to class today. I am gonna do the schoolwork, I am gonna eat healthier because those stack they stack and they build, and that's what gets you out of the hole, and that's what builds your confidence. Nothing builds confidence like keeping your word to yourself, even for small things, especially for small things. Think about when you want to change your physical self. So I want to be in better shape. Do you get there by waking up one day and going to the gym and working out for eight hours? Like, is that what it takes to change your body? No. It is, I'm gonna get up today, I'm gonna go, I'm gonna, I'm gonna move. I'm gonna get up tomorrow, I'm gonna go, I'm gonna move. It's consistency. It's the small times that you show up for yourself consistently that build, that change your physical self. It's the same with your internal self. It has to be stackable. It's not a one and done. So, parenting-wise, that's the point that I keep trying to make to him when he is struggling with this. But if you got a teenager, you know, ain't nothing coming out of this mouth that he actually listens to. He's got to live through it and learn it or hear it from a friend or anybody but his mom. So we're still working through that. But in parenting him through that, and in the work that I've been doing on myself, I realized I did this shit to myself for years. I didn't just live in a situation with someone whose words and actions didn't match. I participated in it by saying that I was gonna do one thing and then not honoring that

How Broken Promises Break Confidence

SPEAKER_00 12:15

and not having my actions back it up. I spent most of my life doing this. And it's little things, again, it was big things too, but little things like I've talked in other episodes about how I had a really unhealthy relationship with working out. So I would say, I'm my body hurts. I'm gonna give myself a day of rest. I'm not gonna do anything tomorrow. I'm gonna be kind to myself. The next day would wake up, I'd eat something I shouldn't have eaten for breakfast, or maybe I had dessert after dinner, whatever reason I came up with that I needed to work out and punish myself for the food I ate, or whatever reason I had that I needed to work out, I would work out. I wouldn't honor that promise that I made to myself to give my body rest. And that's why my body hurt all the time. I literally have had frozen shoulder in both sides. I was having chronic back issues. It's because I never let myself rest. I would constantly tell myself when I would go out with my friends, okay, I'm gonna go out tonight, I'm not gonna drink. Which is kind of an unrealistic expectation. If I'm going to a bar or I'm going to a place where everybody's drinking, like, is that really realistic? Maybe there was a time I was more realistic and say, okay, I'm gonna go out, but I'm only gonna have like one. And then four in, I'm like, shit. I said what I said I was gonna do. And I would feel so shameful and so guilty the next day that I didn't keep my word to myself. There were times at my absolute worst when I would negotiate with myself of I am not going to seek or accept this inappropriate, unhealthy attention that I'm getting from somebody who's not my husband. If they text, I'm not gonna text back. I'm not gonna respond to this message. And inevitably, I would respond. And it would usually be that I wouldn't hear back for a couple of days, and I'd

The Hard Truth: I Did This to Myself Too

SPEAKER_00 14:15

feel like a complete and total piece of shit about myself, questioning everything, feeling stupid that I engaged with it, mad at myself for not keeping my word to myself. Like there was so much abandoning of myself. There was so much disrespecting of myself in so many different situations. At work, it would be I'm not gonna get triggered in this meeting if so-and-so says something. And then I'm in the meeting and somebody gets spicy, and I'm popping right off at them and showing a really ugly side of myself and then immediately regretting it because I didn't keep my word to myself. So, all of those things, they're like little micro moments, but they add up and they just pick away at your confidence, they pick away at your trust with yourself. You can't build trust with yourself if you don't keep your word to yourself. That's something that I've learned. That's something that I'm trying to help my son understand, and that's something that I'm on here talking about because I didn't understand that concept for a very long time. And I think a lot of us make little decisions on a daily basis and we don't realize how damaging they are to us. And why is it that we do that to ourselves? That's the question. So it comes down to I think we have good intentions. I think when we say we're gonna do something, we might have every intention of doing it. But saying something, say you're gonna do something, and actually doing it are two very different things. Oftentimes, depending on what it is you say you're gonna do, you're not realizing how much work that might actually take. And when it comes to anything with improving yourself or anything that involves feelings coming up, that's hard. So when we get to the part where there's action required, and that action involves something that's hard or painful, we go back to, I don't want to do that. Yeah, that doesn't feel good. So let me just ignore it or escape it for a little while or numb it or do whatever we don't follow through because it's hard. But in the times that you're able to keep that word to yourself and do the hard thing, that is where you grow. That is where you learn how to trust yourself.

Why We Don’t Follow Through

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It's where you become confident. And it shows everywhere in your life. That's where your communication improves because you're able to show up from a place of I know who I am, I know how to trust myself, I know how to give myself what I need. That's a big one that a lot of us don't do is having boundaries for ourselves. And most of this has to do with boundaries, but that's the next episode. So I'm not gonna dive into that. But the whole concept of giving yourself what you need and having boundaries around that, that's where we fail ourselves a lot. But when you're able to give yourself what you need and you're able to stand firm in that and keep that promise to yourself, you're able to show up in every situation more confidently. You're able to communicate any point that you're trying to make better because you're more in touch with yourself. If you remember, that's what conscious communication is. It's communicating from a place where you're connected with what's going on inside. And so if you're constantly abandoning yourself and breaking trust with yourself, that is gonna show up in every single conversation that you have and not in a good way. That is what's going to drive your conversations. That's what's gonna make you feel like you have to protect yourself, you have to prove something, you have to pretend to be something that you aren't because you don't trust yourself. But the good news is it's it's easy to fix. It's it's simple to fix, it's not easy. It's consistency, it's consistently keeping those promises to yourself. So, what does that look like? That looks

How to Start Rebuilding Trust With Yourself

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like boundaries, and that is another episode. Clickhanger. I struggled with boundaries for a really long time, and I'm really looking forward to that episode too. But do yourself a favor. Tell yourself you're gonna do the one thing and do it. Doesn't even matter what it is. If there's that part of the kitchen that's got all that friggin' clutter in it that you've been ignoring that's driving you crazy, take 10 minutes and clean it up. Keep that promise to yourself, see what it does to your mental health. It's crazy. If you have been wanting to be a little bit healthier, go for a walk. Keep that promise to yourself. Don't just sit on your ass and drink wine tonight. I'm not trying to personally attack you if that fits. I've done that many times in my life. But it's true, those those little wins stack, and that's how you build trust with yourself and how you build confidence and how you communicate better. And that's the goal, right? Okay, that's it. That's all for this episode of the Karen Confidential. I am so glad that you're here, and I thank you so much for tuning in. I will see you next time.

Why This Changes Your Communication

SPEAKER_00 19:30

Hey, thanks for watching. Can't get enough Karen? Well, share, subscribe, and hit the notification bell for new episodes. You can also follow me on social or visit my website. And if you want to connect, send me an email. Okay, bye. Let's go. Everybody look at you with a camera? Uh-huh. I just had that look at myself. She's an Aries. She is, she's staring at herself.