Boundaries

In this episode, we’re talking about the thing I spent most of my life not having…boundaries.

Not fake boundaries, not “you need to change” ultimatums…real boundaries - the kind where you change what you’re willing to tolerate and participate in.

Because here’s the hard truth: if you don’t have boundaries with yourself, you’ll struggle to have them with anyone else.

And if you’re exhausted, resentful, overextended, emotionally reactive and wondering why your communication keeps going sideways…there’s a really good chance boundaries (or lack thereof) are part of the problem.

💥 Key Takeaways
- Why boundaries are about your behavior - not controlling someone else’s
- How people-pleasing quietly destroys self-trust and confidence
- The connection between overfunctioning and resentment
- Why overexplaining is often an attempt to create emotional capacity in someone else
- How fear of disappointing people keeps you disconnected from yourself
- The uncomfortable truth: some people only liked access to you - not you
- Why boundaries feel terrifying at first (especially if you were raised without them)
- How small acts of self-trust build the confidence to hold boundaries with others
- Why boundaries dramatically improve communication and relationships


🔥 In This Episode, I Talk About:
This one is deeply personal because learning boundaries completely changed my life:

- The realization that I thought boundaries meant telling other people what to change
- Why I constantly said yes to things I didn’t actually want to do
- How overfunctioning at work, in relationships, and emotionally drained me for years
- The ways I betrayed myself to avoid conflict and discomfort
- What growing up afraid to disappoint people did to my nervous system and identity
- Why so many women in our generation struggle to say no
- My thoughts on Gen Z, workplace boundaries, and why they might actually be getting this right earlier than we did
- The small shifts that helped me stop abandoning myself and start building confidence
- How boundaries opened space for me to finally know who I actually am.

if this episode hit home, send it to someone who needs permission to stop abandoning themselves.

Because sometimes the most powerful thing you can say…
is “no.”

Transcript

Understanding Boundaries and Self-Trust

SPEAKER_00 0:00

If you make me feel some kind of way, I'm gonna tell you. I've never had an issue speaking up and saying what bothers me. What I have had an issue with is allowing people to continue to treat me like crap. Because your girl didn't know anything about boundaries. But I do now, and I'm excited to talk about it. Are you ready? Let's go. Welcome back to the Karen Confidential, real talk about real life and better communication. I'm your host, Karen Campbell Smith. This is episode six. Hey, that's pretty cool. I've done six episodes of this. I also last episode talked about turning 49. I think I've recovered. I do not want cake for a while. Although I will say, like, I'm a healthy person, but if it's delicious, moist, yes, I said moist. I don't have an issue with that word. Like chocolate cake or like any cake that's just fucking delicious, I'm eating it. Like, don't give me some shit Publix sheet cake with the plastic frosting. That I'll pass all day. But if it's like a legit bakery or homemade confectionery, I'm gonna tear that shit up every time. That's not what this episode is about, though. What is this episode? I'm just kidding. So last episode, I talked about how destabilizing it is when someone's words and actions don't match, um, and how damaging it is when your own words and actions don't match, how it erodes your confidence because you're basically proving to yourself that you can't do what you say you're gonna do. So, what is the solution to that? Well, the cliffhanger from last episode was boundaries. Yes. What is a boundary? Well, I used to think that a boundary was telling somebody what they needed to change and then waiting for that to happen. That's not at all what a boundary is. And that's why I was let down constantly because let's be real, can you control the actions of another person? No, you can't. You can control yourself. But me putting it out there, like, hey, this sucks, and I don't like how this feels, and I need you to change that, and then sitting there expecting that person to have it in them to change. I mean, you would hope that they would want to if there's somebody that loves you, but sometimes they don't have the emotional capacity to. That is a hard-learned lesson that it took me almost 49 years to grasp. So boundaries, boundaries are not so much about what you want somebody else to stop doing, it's what you will stop tolerating. And not just out of other people, it's what you are not tolerating within yourself anymore. And let me explain. Boundaries are what you will and will not participate in. And the ones that you have with yourself determine how well you can have boundaries with everyone else. Because if you don't trust yourself, you're not gonna be able to build trust with anyone else. So if you can't uphold a boundary with yourself, you're gonna have a very hard time upholding it with someone else. So I did not keep my word to myself for most of my life. And it happened in small and big ways. In the last episode, I talked about some of the smaller ways that I did it, but uh one that was recurring that happened almost every day of my life was saying yes to things that I didn't want to say yes to. And I mean, it could be: hey, we want you to come help us with this project. Oh, they're choosing me. They think I'm smart, they think I'm capable. Oh, that feels really good. Yes. Without even considering what this was going to require of me, whether it was something I even wanted to be involved with, how much work it was gonna take, how much time it was gonna take, none of that crossed my mind. I would say yes immediately because I felt, oh, they like me. They're choosing me. I love that. That's that's where my yes was coming from. And usually I would regret it afterwards once I got into it and then felt like I couldn't say no because I was already into it. Um, I would overexplain myself to be understood. And this is what my first viral video was about. It's like you're dealing with a person with no emotional capacity and you're trying to get them to take accountability for something. And you think more words is going to create emotional capacity where there is none. So you overexplain and say it more and do like you keep trying to make a them problem a you problem. And in that, you're abandoning yourself because you're trying to fix a problem that's not yours to fix. You're expecting resolution in a scenario where you're not the one who can create the resolution. It's completely on the other person. Other ways that I abandoned myself often was overfunctioning. So this kind of ties into the saying yes when I wanted to say no, but carrying the emotional baggage for my entire household. And at work, doing all the things and overachieving and just overfunctioning. And then when I was exhausted from that and completely drained, projecting that resentment out as if it was anyone's fault but my own. So, how is that anyone's fault but mine? But I didn't realize that because I was not connected with myself enough to realize that. So I kept doing that to myself over and over again in all these different scenarios, and boom, I'm exhausted and drained and resentful and a terrible version of myself and not communicating well. Who else can relate to that? I quite often betrayed myself to avoid discomfort. And what do I mean by that? There were a lot of times where I opened this podcast episode by saying, if you make me feel some kind of way, I'm gonna say something. Well, in my marriage, that wasn't always true, especially toward the end, because I had been down that road so many times that I would squash things and not bring them up because I wanted to avoid making things uncomfortable, having a fight, dealing with the inevitable backlash of him feeling shame, him being clingy, him, whatever, whatever reaction was going to come out of him, I didn't want to deal with it. It would be uncomfortable. So I would just not say anything. I would, I would silence myself. And what did that do? It squashed feelings down that didn't go anywhere. And that made me resentful and angry and snap over other shit that had absolutely nothing to do with the real reason of why I had a short fuse. And that's because I wasn't articulating what was bothering me and not being real about my feelings. Basically, over and over again, I was not keeping my promises to myself. I was breaking trust with myself. I did not have boundaries with myself. I would say yes to doing something for somebody that I didn't necessarily even really like, but then I wouldn't say yes to myself. I wouldn't give myself that same courtesy and that same care. Make that make sense. And every time I did that, I was breaking trust with myself. I was eroding my confidence. I was creating a crisis that then I complained about. So why are boundaries so hard? I can speak from my own experience. Guilt, fear of losing people, fear of letting people down. I didn't say no because I didn't want people to stop choosing me. If I say no, they're not gonna ask me to do something again. If I say no when they asked me to go out, they're never asked me to go out again. Looking back now, I didn't really want to do those things that they were asking me to do in the first place. And I didn't really want to hang out with those people at all. So the fear that I was operating from of letting people down that I made important in my life, for what reason, to feel validated and chosen. I lived like that for so long. They were determining what was important to me. I was making them more important than the relationship that I should have been cultivating with myself by knowing who I am, knowing what I do and don't want, knowing what I want to participate in versus what I don't want to participate in, and building trust through my decisions by confidently making decisions and standing by them and not really caring what other people's reactions are to those. But if you're in a place where you've spent your life constantly worrying about what everybody else thinks, that can make having boundaries very difficult. And I know that because I lived in that space for a very long time. I was terrified of letting people down. I had another realization as far as that's concerned. I was raised during an era, this is what episode two was about, where I was terrified to let my parents down. Terrified. Like if I messed up and they were upset with me, it wasn't just the you're grounded and like the actual physical consequence. There was silent treatment, there was you really disappointed me. There was shame. I mean, so as an adult, like having been raised that way, I became an adult, I became a woman who was terrified to let people down because of that feeling of shame, because of not ever wanting to bring that on to myself. And so that has turned a lot of us into people who don't know how to say no. And it's damaging in so many ways. We're having to unlearn that thing that's been ingrained since childhood that we're allowed to have needs, that we're allowed to draw a line in the sand and say, yeah, I'm not really, I'm not willing to cross that. That's not good for me. There's so many of us that struggle with that, which if you're somebody who was raised by us, I think Generation Z is so much more self-aware than we are. They have boundaries, they know. And I would argue it's because they're raised by a generation who didn't. So we at, you know, late 40s, early 50s are finally figuring this shit out. And we're like, oh, I'm allowed to have knees. I'm allowed to say no. And it came from a place of, I'm not fucking doing this anymore. Like, this does not feel good. I don't want to do this the rest of my life. That's where my shit came from. I know I'm not alone. I'm not special in that, but we, you know, we hit our breaking point. And thank God we have a generation coming behind us that are like so much more self-aware, so much more okay with, yeah, no, I'm not gonna do that. It's interesting in the workplace because the Gen Xers, I'm a Xennial. I am the micro generation in between millennial and Gen X. There's like eight years where we like,

The Impact of Generational Differences on Boundaries

SPEAKER_00 12:05

we can entertain ourselves because we basically grew up with no technology, but we were still very much in our formative years when all the technology came out. So we're very adaptive to technology. I'm not saying we're the best generation, but we're pretty top-tier. Well, the people of Gen X specifically are really triggered by Gen Z. You'll see it online. There's like all these battles because Gen Z is demanding better in the workplace. They're demanding better in general. They're and they're viewed as entitled, they're in view to, they're viewed as all these like negative things, but I would argue they're just figuring it out earlier than we did. And they're just pushing buttons and making us react to damn, why wasn't this shit this way for us? And I'm trying to shift that. Not to say I don't have those moments, and to parent somebody like that can be very frustrating. I live that. But it is also encouraging if you look at it the right way, because we're breaking those cycles. This is what I teach in the leadership space when I talk about conscious communication. We need to change, and we don't have a choice because Gen Z is now more than half of the workplace. So props to you, Gen Z, for making us change. But boundaries, man, you guys got it on lock. We could, we could learn from you. Mad respect to you for figuring it out and knowing how to hold one. We're we're trying to catch up. So, what do boundaries look like? Especially if you have none. Been there. It starts small. It starts with little things, little promises to yourself. You can start with not over explaining. If you're in a conversation and you've made your point, stop talking. Trust that it's enough. If they have questions, they'll ask. Let it land. You don't have to use all the words. I communicate for a living. And something it also took me almost 49 years to learn is that people don't read. If you put a sign up, people don't read, and people don't listen to your words. So choose them wisely and let them land. And silence is okay. Try that. It's gonna feel awkward as shit at first. You're gonna be like, I gotta say more. Just sit in it. That's how you change the behavior. You like feel that discomfort and you push through it. If it's changing your physical self, it's keeping that promise to yourself to go to the gym today, get that workout in today, eat that healthier meal today. That's proving to yourself that you can do what you say you're gonna do. If you're living in clutter, it's taking one area and cleaning it up. It takes you 10 minutes. And then when you look at that area, you're like, oh, I handle that. That feels pretty good. It's time, it's small, it's 10 minutes of your life. You would be so surprised at how quickly those add up and how much of a difference it makes in your psyche and in your confidence. Because over time, you're taking little small wins and they build. They make you a more confident person. And you need confidence to have boundaries with other people, especially if you've never had them, because they are uncomfortable, especially at first. So you have to be confident enough in that decision that you made. This is something I'm not gonna tolerate, I'm not gonna participate in. That's you keeping your word to yourself, right? You have to be okay in sitting with the discomfort of that other person's reaction. You have to be okay with saying, I am not gonna respond to that text because I know it's not gonna be productive. And I know that it's not gonna take me to a good place. So I'm gonna be quiet instead. Because I've been down that road, I've stood up for myself with this person, I know what interactions with them do to me. This boundary is I'm not participating in it. When you first start doing that, it's gonna be very hard. I'm not gonna lie, because I've been there. But the more times that you can show up for yourself in situations like that and stand your ground and do what you say you're gonna do, the easier it gets because that becomes your new pattern. Check in with yourself. That's the other part of this. What do I need? And I'm gonna be very honest, there was a time not that long ago, I couldn't answer that question. I had no fucking idea what I needed. I was so lost, I was so out of touch with myself, I had no idea. But if you sit still long enough and let feelings come up and sit with really heavy shit that you don't want to deal with, when you finally lean into it and you do that, the voice of, oh, this is what I need becomes so much clearer. That's what it learned. It's not an easy road to get there, but I will tell you that it's well worth it. When you start having boundaries with other people, that's where it opens up space for you to know yourself better, for you to have time and space for yourself, for you to not be dragged into other people's shit that doesn't belong to you. When you are able to draw that line in the sand and go, I'm not gonna say anything here because it's not gonna be productive and it's not worth my time and energy. That is so powerful. And all the time that you were gonna spend arguing and engaging with this person that's not good for you, when you make that boundary and stop making time and space for them, it opens up time and space for you to do whatever the hell you do want to do. Think about think about that. Think about how freeing that sounds. And I've I've lived that. I am living that. I went from somebody with no boundaries, with myself or with anybody else, to I almost feel like I've swung the wrong way. Like I am so comfortable being like, yeah, I'm not

Building Confidence Through Boundaries

SPEAKER_00 17:59

gonna do that. Nope, doesn't align. But I know who the fuck I am, and I'm okay with being misunderstood. I'm okay with people not liking me. It's not been easy to get to this place. And if I'm being honest, I have lost a lot of people. But are they people that I really wanted in my life in the first place? Or are they people who were benefiting from me not having any boundaries? So having boundaries, building trust with yourself, building confidence with yourself inevitably makes you a better communicator. Because you know who you are, you're connected with the voice that's inside that's driving your thoughts. If you remember, I did an episode on that. When you have a handle on that, then when you're showing up to a conversation, you know what's going on inside of you. And so you can respond in the present moment. That's conscious communication. That's where we want to be. If we're not having boundaries, if we're not showing up for ourselves, then all of those feelings that we're squashing down and all of the resentment and being drained and the exhaustion that comes with those little decisions that we keep making that don't support ourselves, they show up in our conversations. And then we pop off and we react and we make chaos in a situation that doesn't have anything to do with what these emotions are coming out have to do with. So we owe it to ourselves, we owe it to the people that we love the most, we owe it to the people that we interact with on a daily basis to get a better, better handle on this. My life has significantly improved since I learned how to have boundaries. I can say that with absolute certainty. 10 out of 10 stars, highly recommend. And that, my friends, is the end of this episode of the Care and Confidential. I'm so glad that you're here. I hope that you were able to take something from this today. If nothing else, use your no, man. It's powerful. Ugh, and it's so lovely once you embrace it. I hope that I see you here for the next episode. And until then, my get enough Karen? Well, share, subscribe, and hit the notification bell for new episodes. You can also follow me on social or visit my website. And if you want to connect, send me an email. Okay, bye. Let's go.