My Secret Weapon for Better Conversations

In this episode, I’m talking about something every single one of us has experienced…walking away from a conversation replaying it in our head thinking, “Welllllll that did not go how I planned.” 

As a professional communicator, I wish I could tell you I always nail hard conversations. I absolutely do not.

Sometimes I overexplain. Sometimes I shut down. Sometimes I react emotionally and let the “K” in Carin come all the way out. And afterward? The rumination Olympics begin.

But lately, I’ve found a secret weapon that’s been helping me communicate more intentionally, process emotions more clearly and stop getting trapped in my own internal chaos.

That tool is AI.

💥 Key Takeaways
- Why emotional conversations almost always go sideways when ego takes over
- How overexplaining is often a symptom of needing to feel understood or safe
- The real reason you replay conversations over and over afterward
- Why most communication problems actually start internally before the conversation even happens
- How fear, assumptions and emotional stories shape your tone and energy
- The difference between observable facts and the meaning your brain assigns to them
- Why not every emotional reaction requires a confrontation
- How AI can help you process conversations, identify blind spots and communicate more intentionally
- Why you still have to “be the human” when using AI for communication

🔥 In This Episode, I Talk About:
This one is part communication coaching, part nervous-system reality check and part accidental PSA about turning 49 

- How I mentally rehearse difficult conversations before they happen
- The ways my communication tends to break down when I’m emotional or triggered
- Why my need to be understood used to lead to massive overexplaining
- What rumination after conversations is actually doing to your emotional state
- The role ego plays in failed communication and reactive behavior
- How I separate facts from emotional assumptions before deciding whether a conversation even needs to happen
- The exact way I’ve been using AI as a neutral thinking partner to process situations and prepare for conversations
- Why AI is an incredible tool—but absolutely cannot replace nuance, discernment, or self-awareness
- Details about my first live online workshop teaching people how to use AI to communicate better in real life

More info on my AI workshop here: https://theconsciouscommscoach.com/#section06

Transcript

Why Conversations Go Sideways

SPEAKER_00 0:00

I know that I am not the only person who's walked away from a conversation going, well, that didn't go as planned. And hopefully, I'm not the only person who ruminates and replays said conversation a million times and a million times and a million times and a million times and a million times and a million times in my head in the days that follow. So if I'm a professional communicator and I struggle with that, I think we should probably talk about it. Especially since I have a secret weapon that's really been helping me with this lately. And today I'm gonna share it with you. Are you ready?

SPEAKER_01 0:30

Let's go.

SPEAKER_00 0:39

Welcome back to the Karen Confidential, real talk about real life and better communication. I'm your host, Karen Campbell Smith, and let me give you some real talk about real life. Last night, I went out with my friend for her birthday, and I had one and a half beers. That is right, one and a half. I did not finish the second one, and I feel like shit today. From one and a half beers. This is 49? No, this is bullshit. So I'm gonna do my best today and be a professional and do this damn podcast, but I got that going on. A beer and a half? Are you fucking serious? I haven't been drinking a lot lately. And it was like a 6% beer. It's not like I did one of the kicky in the nuts beers. Anyway, that's not cool, but what is really cool is something else that happened recently. My podcast won an award. So I was nominated for Communicator of the Year by the Florida Public Relations Association in my area, and I won for this podcast. How cool is that? I've like been acknowledged for things I've done for jobs before, but this is the first time I've ever been honored for something that is 100% mine, and it hits different. Like it is really, really cool. So I'm just super grateful to the person, to the people that nominated me, uh, Christine and Kate. Y'all are awesome and my favorite, so thank you. And I'm just

One and a Half Beers & an Award-Winning Podcast 😂

SPEAKER_00 2:10

really super pumped to have won. It really means a lot. So I was really, really cool. And I just wanted to share that. I have an award-winning podcast. I'll take it. I'll take it. So today, what I want to talk about is struggling to make your words work in conversations. And I think as human beings, we're always going to have times where that happens. Um, as a professional communicator, I and I outside of choosing to do that for a living, I think I've always just been the kind of person that puts a lot of thought into my conversations when given the opportunity. So if I know I have to have a conversation with somebody, especially if it's like high stakes or something that really matters to me or a person that I really care about, I overthink the shit out of it. Like I'm talking through it in my car. So if you like see me driving in my car and I'm talking, it's probably because I'm rehearsing a conversation. Or there's two things. Or I'm lip syncing and s or singing a song that's on the radio, but it's pretty easy to tell the difference because if I'm doing the singing, then I'm also dancing. So you could figure that out if you see me driving. But I'm basically it's Mingus. I'm basically always running my mouth, always. But I think through conversations, I think about tone. I think about what is my goal and what do I want to accomplish in this? I think about really where I overthink is okay, if I say this, how may they respond? And if they say that or they respond that way, like what will I say back? So it's like rehearsing, like anticipating, doing all this stuff in advance of the conversation. I I overly analyze the shit out of it. So I try, right? But then there's been a million times where it does not happen the way that I hope. And the worst way that my conversations have gone sideways is when I get extremely emotional, super triggered, and I react from that place. So instead of having that thoughtful conversation and practicing all those thoughtful things that I, you know, talked about in my car with myself, I am overcome by whatever emotion it is. And then I'm responding, reacting

The Conversations I Rehearse in My Car

SPEAKER_00 4:30

from that rather than being in the moment with the person in front of me. And usually when that happens, it's very much me feeling like I have to prove myself or defend myself. It's a very, oh my God, Mangus, it's a very um aggressive energy that comes out in me. And it's not a really good side of me at all. That's when the K and the Karen comes out. And there was a time where I would feel kind of empowered by that. Like if I told somebody about themselves and I'm really good at it. It's not, I'm not proud of it, but I can absolutely destroy you with words if backed into a corner. I've really been working on that, like not allowing that to happen so frequently. I mean, if you got it coming and you really push me against a wall, like you get what you get. But I'm trying to not just pop off constantly or every time emotion hits me. But that's where, if I were to name the worst conversations that I've ever had, it's when that takes over. And that's probably true for anyone. Um, when you are super emotional, you're not gonna communicate well. But there's other times where it was more subtle where, you know, I really wanted to make the point. I really needed this person to understand me. And so I overexplained my ass off. You know, if I had 10 different ways to explain a point, I'm gonna give you all 10 just to make sure that I'm understood. And God forbid you don't understand after 10 different ways what I'm trying to say, then I can get frustrated and maybe pop off because I need to be understood. That's coming from my need to be understood, right? I can see that now. Or I shut down because I'm not getting my point across. So I'm just like, forget it. Hold, please. I think we have the cat under control now. I locked him in the room. I didn't. He's probably gonna jump up here again. Prepare yourself. But no matter how the conversation goes sideways, where I go with it afterwards, even if it goes well, to be honest, I replay it in my head. I think about what was said to me. I think about how I responded. I criticize the shit out of myself for responding the way that I did and think of better ways that I could have said something or points that I should have made that I didn't. It's like this spiral of rumination that happens. And it doesn't really help me after the fact because all it does is kind of like churn up emotion, like anger that I didn't say something, or overthinking

What Happens When Emotion Takes Over

SPEAKER_00 7:00

how somebody said something, and then I'm reading into it too much. So it's none of it is good. It's all overthinking and it's all emotion and it's all bad communication, that being said by a professional communicator. So really it comes down to the internal chatter, because that's what it is. When I get stuck in my own head, when you get stuck in your own head, it is the inner voice that's like having these fake conversations with yourself, and that's where we get stuck. It's where we get stuck before we ever have the conversation, it's what happens during the conversation when it goes sideways, and then it's what happens after. I've talked about this in previous episodes, but that those are your patterns. How you show up with big emotion is your ego, and your ego has created these patterns where you feel this emotion and you react without thinking about it. It's your auto-response. So all of us have patterns. It's just most of us operate completely oblivious to the fact that the patterns are what are running our lives. And the big emotion that comes up usually comes from a place of I don't feel safe. And that's where your ego comes in because your ego was developed when you were young to keep you safe or at least give you a sense that you were safe. So it's the part of you that makes you feel like you have to prove yourself or that you have to defend yourself or protect yourself, or pretend to be somebody that you're not, perform a role to be chosen or liked, or to navigate whatever situation you're in. But any of those ways that you're operating when your ego has taken over are not you being present in the moment. And that is the biggest reason behind failed conversations, I would argue, is ego-driven communication. It shows up in conversations as you overexplaining yourself to make your point and then your point getting lost. It shows up as you needing to be the smartest person in the room to prove that you belong there. Um, it shows up as shutting down because you just don't feel like you're getting anywhere. And so you just stop talking, which inevitably builds resentment because you're just squashing that stuff down and not getting it out. So the best way to get better at conversations is to get, first of all, to become aware of all of that internal chatter that's going on. And I've talked about this in multiple episodes because this is conscious communication. This is the heart of it. It's being in touch and connected with yourself so that you can connect with other people. So it starts with that getting to know yourself and your inner voice. And the way that it impacts your conversations is you're creating whatever chaos in your mind you're thinking may happen. So whatever mindset you have about this conversation that's about to happen, you're bringing that energy to the conversation and then you're creating the catastrophe that you fear the most because you're making it a reality by the energy that you're bringing to it. So if you go into a conversation expecting it to be horrible and expecting the person to come at you a certain kind of way, you're bracing,

Overexplaining, Defensiveness & Shutdowns

SPEAKER_00 10:15

and that is what's determining the direction of that conversation. So you don't want it to happen, but then you're creating it, if that makes sense. So being aware of it and not acting from it are two different things. And it's really hard to in those moments figure out okay, what's fact versus what are feelings? Because we get stuck in this mix of like this happened, but I just know it happened because of this. So, like, there's a fact. Let's say I got dismissed in a meeting today. Like, I've voiced a concern and it was dismissed. That's a fact. Okay, that happened. The thought or feeling about that could be, oh, they dismiss me because they don't respect me. Oh, this happens all the time. This is obviously a sign that something bigger is coming. Like your brain can spiral in a million different directions from that fact. So, first and foremost, you have to decide when you feel some kind of way about that and you're thinking about having a conversation. Do you need to have the conversation? And that's where checking in with yourself matters. So I teach a session on having the conversation without ruining the relationship. And the very first step in the process that I teach of doing that is clarify. And it's just what I'm talking about now. It's what actually happened, what are the facts versus what are your thoughts about it? What are your feelings about it? How do you separate the two? Because once you're able to do that, you can actually decide if it's if it's worthy of a conversation, or is it just you reacting from ego and feeling some kind of way about something that's older that's showing up in this particular situation? Because sometimes that's all it is. And in that case, it's yours to handle. Yes, it would feel good to go at the person and say, you made me feel this way, and how dare you, and have that pressure release of getting it out onto somebody, but really what it was is your reaction to something, and your reaction is yours. So not every situation deserves a conversation, especially if it's yours to deal with, if that makes sense. So it can be very difficult to separate the two. And I've I've found that myself, um, especially in the the last two years, because I've been through a lot of emotional shit. Um, both with getting divorced and parenting young adults, to be very honest. And, you know, navigating work stuff, navigating relationships, like just being an adult, there's a lot of emotional stuff that comes up. And so I have found a new way to have a thinking partner that help me work through all those big emotions that come up and kind of make sense

The Rumination Spiral After Conversations

SPEAKER_00 13:00

of some things, help me see blind spots, look at it from a different angle. It's not like therapy, it's more of a trusted, neutral ground to just throw it out there, like, hey, this is what I'm thinking, and this is the conversation that I want to have, and and getting objective feedback to help kind of talk you through that. And that is AI. Now, a lot of people hear AI and are like, it's the devil. No. But it's not going anywhere, number one. Um, and it's also a really powerful tool if you know how to use it. So I think it's safe to say that I would hope, at least by now, all of us are using it in some capacity. At a minimum, in the communication world to help you write better emails. Um, free unsolicited professional communication advice if you are using it to write better emails. Please make sure you know what you actually sound like and what you're trying to accomplish as far as like in your message, because AI can give you some whack-ass responses. Like you have to know, you have to read and go, man, that doesn't sound like me. Or that wasn't even what I was trying to say. Like, you have to be the human when you're using AI. That does not change. And I get asked relatively frequently, like, well, aren't you worried that AI is going to take over your job or you know, be the writer? I don't because I've worked with it enough. I work in AI almost every day. I've given, I've given talks on AI. I've built custom GPTs to use in my department. Like I am pretty far along in adapting to AI. You have to have the human, especially with communication. You have to have nuance, which AI does not have. You have to have discernment to know what your voice is, to know what you're trying to say, to know what you would and would not say, how you would and would not say it. That's not inherent in AI. So when I say I use AI as a thinking partner, I mean that. It's not telling me what to say, telling me what to think. It's literally a mirror. That's how I use it. So I was teaching a class on conscious communication, my regular session that I teach, and I mentioned that in the session that I use AI to talk through stuff

Ego-Driven Communication Explained

SPEAKER_00 15:20

before I have conversations or even after the factor. If I'm feeling some kind of way about something, I go to it and I figured out like pretty specific prompts and ways to get it to help me with what I need. And there was such a massive interest in it that that group asked me to create a session just on that and come back and present it to them, which I did. The feedback was overwhelmingly positive. Um, I think there were probably 40 or 50 people in there, and I got a ton of feedback back. This is so helpful. I've never even thought to use AI this way. Like, you know, your tricks were so great. So it's really useful and I really believe in it, and it is available to anyone. So I'm actually going to teach this as an online course. This is my first time ever doing an online workshop. I teach things in person all the time. But this is going to be available for anybody that wants to learn more about how to use AI as a thinking partner to communicate better. So, very exciting news. I'm doing my first online workshop. So if you want to see what I do and get more up close and personal with my work, and this AI thing sounds interesting to you, and I'm telling you, it's such a powerful tool, but it's only as good as the prompts. And that's that's really what I teach in this course is to tell it exactly what you need so that it gives you exactly what you need. Um prompts are everything when it comes to AI. So the course will be on May 28th at 7 p.m. I'm doing it live on Zoom. Um, you can register for that on my website. The link is in the show notes. Um, if you miss it on the 28th, if you're watching this episode after the 28th, it will be available to download after the fact. But I'd love for you to join me live if you're able to. Again, the people who've taken this session have found it really, really useful. And I personally, like I said, use AI pretty much every day for a multitude of reasons. But a big one is to kind of get out of my own head and approach conversations better and to debrief after conversations sometimes. So it's it's a great thinking partner, but you just have to know exactly how to use it and tell it what you need so that you get what you need. So that's the crux of this episode is telling you that I'm teaching my first online course and hoping that you'll join me for it. So I managed to get through this with a mini hangover from one and a half beers. I'm proud of myself for that. My cat tried to waylay me from this, and I still made it through. And this is still an award-winning podcast. And with that, that is all for this episode of the Karen Confidential. I'm so glad you keep joining me every week. I'm so grateful that you're here, and I will see you next time. Hey, thanks for watching. Can't get enough Karen? Well, share, subscribe, and hit the notification bell for new episodes. You can also follow me on social or visit my website. And if you want to connect, send me an email. Okay, bye.

SPEAKER_01 18:27

Let's go. All right, anything that you want to say before we start? Yeah. Okay. So let's hakoon out our tattoos.