The Psychology of Staying on Track: Resolutions Demystified

Inner Solutions' DBT Clinician Adriana Fernandez discusses why New Years Resolutions have a tendency to go awry a couple of months into the New Year. She offers ideas about how to use DBT skills and hacks from behavioural therapy in order to increase the likelihood of consistency with working towards goals.

Transcript

SPEAKER_01 0:03

Welcome to the Inner Solutions Podcast. We are your hosts, Donna Hughes and Jessica Heil. We own and operate Inner Solutions, a private practice clinic located in Calgary, Canada. We seek to understand and help our clients by providing empirically supported treatments and evidence-based practices with compassion and expertise. This podcast will provide you with information regarding complex psychological conditions as well as treatments that are available. Thank you for having me. Thank you for being here, Adriana. It's so nice to have you on the podcast. Why don't we take a moment where you can just introduce yourself and tell our audience a little bit about who you are and your role here at Inner Solutions?

SPEAKER_00 0:59

Yes. So, like you said, I'm one of the clinicians here. I'm a therapist, a psychologist. And part of my role is doing psychotherapy. We specialize in DBT. So that's mostly what I do, a bit of CBT and other therapies that are compatible with DBT. And I more so work with older adolescents and adults of all ages. And in addition to that, I also help facilitate the skills classes. So we have at least a couple. We have three right now. And right now I'm teaching two of those, and I very much enjoy it. And some of the stuff that we'll be talking about today is relevant to what we teach in the skills class as well.

SPEAKER_01 1:38

Absolutely. And I'm I'm really excited about this topic. What we are going to be talking about today is the topic of New Year's resolutions and why they fail sometimes. And I think this is a perfect time to bring up this conversation because here we are. It's currently when we're recording, it's March. It's been a couple of months since people have set up their New Year's resolutions. And I certainly know that within our clients and also I think like even in my personal life, when I hear people talking about New Year's and the resolutions that they had set, this is about the time where they start to just kind of slide a little bit and people are less, right, less diligent, I guess, about following through. So today, what what Adriana's going to do for us is she's going to talk about why that might be the case, like why they start to slip. And then what can we do essentially to be able to try to get those goals to be a little bit more consistent throughout the year? Yes. Perfect. Okay. And we'll do that with a bit of a DBT slant. So we'll talk about some of the DBT skills that we could incorporate into our New Year's resolutions. Okay. So I think the the first question I have for you, Adriana, is what do you think gets in the way of being able to accomplish and continue with our New Year's resolutions as the months go by?

SPEAKER_00 2:56

Yes, I think there's a long list of reasons why we could begin to slip and yeah, maybe lose that consistency or vision or clarity or motivation for continuing to pursue those goals that we set at the start of the year. And you know, I want to validate what what you said of definitely I think March, even February, people can start to feel that way and start to feel hopelessness. Maybe when they realize that, you know, there's yet another year where I've set up some intentions and resolutions and we're only a couple of months in and I'm not making any progress. I think there's different reasons, and some of the most popular ones I think are things like simply, well, you know, maybe yeah, simply. I guess it's just not having the capabilities, not being able to pursue that goal right now. So I'm talking about maybe how realistic the goals or maybe how unrealistic the goals might be sometimes. Sometimes people set goals that that are just not within their reach because of maybe the resources or lack thereof, the resources or skills as well. So I think that's when we will talk more about that. But yeah, it could be insecurities, it could be things like fear, fear of failure or regret, maybe shame that they're not making progress as quick as they they wished. And so then have reaching that point where they give up or feeling overwhelmed, maybe prioritizing other things over the goals that they've set for themselves, maybe not uh accepting the cards that that we were dealt. Sometimes we can get stuck in, you know, it shouldn't be this difficult, shouldn't be like this, life is unfair. So we can get stuck. Sometimes I think the biggest one is not knowing, not having that clear, clear vision of what they want to pursue, what would be worth all the work, what would be, you know, the the things that they know that they would get behind and stick to because of the outcomes of it.

SPEAKER_01 4:56

Yeah, I think all that makes a lot of sense. So there's quite a few things, barriers that might get in the way of us being able to accomplish those goals. I'm hearing sometimes it's like the environment might get in the way, sometimes it's like we don't know which ones to prioritize. Sometimes we we might make a goal at one moment and then just life is overwhelming and it's gonna fall by the wayside. Uh, but the last one that you said, that one's really interesting to me because yeah, like if we if we don't really know what like what we want, right? Like what's kind of like the main priorities in our life, like what are our values? Then it's really hard sometimes to set goals that are going to be consistent and that we're going to be willing to continue to go after. Because I know for myself, even if I have like I might have a whole bunch of goals that look really appealing to me in sort of a like one moment, the ones I'm more likely to stick with are the ones that are going to be aligned with the main values in my life. And everything else does tend to fall by the wayside when I when I'm overwhelmed. Yes. So I'm curious, what what do you think if you were to define values, like what is a value and why are values relevant to our goals?

SPEAKER_00 6:06

Yes. I think, yeah, going back to to what you said uh first there, like absolutely having clarity around what we want in our life and what we want to experience is what is going to make it feel worth it. Because it's it's true, like it's gonna get overwhelming, other things are gonna take priority. So how this ties into values is that we I think often when we're setting those those goals for ourselves, we might write things that kind of look good on paper. And I think it's things that sometimes our society or our culture has been endorsing and and reinforces as well. Some things that just come to mind are things like, you know, the classic go to school, find a partner, get married, buy a house, kind of those things, right? And the sad thing is that sometimes people are even able to achieve that and they still don't experience the emotions that they thought they would experience. And I think again, that goes back to values. So whereas if we are setting goals that are related to the things that we treasure most in life, the things that are really meaningful, now we're gonna be talking about things that motivate us. We're motivated to have those things because we're also motivated to keep those things. Sometimes values could be things that we already have in life that we don't want to let go of, that we can't imagine living without. And I think uh another way to explain values is that they are qualities of the life that we want. And it could be the things that we want to be doing with our life, the things that we want to have in our life. And this is sometimes not just material things, but rather maybe that they want to have certain relationships and why those are important and things around, maybe like who they want to be more like. And when we are have more clarity around values, it can give us direction when it comes to choosing goals. So it helps us make decisions as well when we are maybe setting idea um a plan on how to pursue certain goals.

SPEAKER_01 8:08

That makes sense, yeah. So if we know our values, then essentially if we're, I guess if we're clear on our values and we make an intentional decision to choose goals that are in alignment with those values, because those values matter to us, then we're more likely to be able to follow through just because the motivation is kind of already there. It's like intrinsically built in.

SPEAKER_00 8:30

Absolutely. And I like, yeah, that idea that you bring in, the like intrinsic motivation, is these are, you know, there's a lot of research showing that intrinsic motivation is more aligned with better mental health and and again that sense of fulfillment and and meaning in our life. And values can be the leading principles that can guide us and motivate us and and bring us comfort and guidance when we are passing through a difficult time in our life. So they can help increase our resilience and kind of reminds us of why we're doing it, why it's worth it. I think sometimes people can get discouraged as well when they think, oh, maybe, you know what, I'm not doing these things, therefore it means that it's not important to me, that I don't care enough. And they lose that momentum, they maybe think that I'm just not motivated enough. I don't have what it takes. And I think that's where again, values can be really helpful to understand that sometimes it's actually that we might lose sight of why we are wanting to pursue that thing. That it's not just, oh, go to school, for example, like going to school and could be like, oh, my goal is to go to school, but I really don't care about school. But then to remember why it's important to me to go to school and be a good student, whatever good student might mean for that person. So it helps with increasing effort and and persistence as you pursue those goals.

SPEAKER_01 9:47

Yeah, that makes a lot of sense to me. And I'm reminded about DBT's like mantra. So we in DBT we have a a saying that is very familiar to all DBT therapists and and to the clients that come to uh to access DBT. We say that the goal in DBT is to build a life worth living. Yeah. I'm curious how all of this, the idea of values and goals, how does this all relate to that mantra of building a life worth living?

SPEAKER_00 10:14

Yes, I think people, you know, us, you know, sometimes we we have an idea of what uh a life worth living looks like. And we might again, if we don't have understanding of why those things are important to us, then then we feel discouraged. And I think how all this kind of ties to life worth living goals is that a life that feels worth living, a life that feels fulfilling, that feels meaningful, is a life that essentially I think makes us happy. And I think also with this idea of happiness, that that's something that can re derail people thinking, well, I should be happy if I have this and that. But the reality is that unless we're actually clear of what is important to us, we might not be pursuing the things that are really going to make us happy and not happy in the in in the short term, but rather we're talking about happiness in the long term.

SPEAKER_01 11:03

In the long term, yes. And I think about then our DBT in so DBT, we have a lot of acronyms. One of them is the ABC Please skills, and those stand for accumulating positive emotions both in the short term and the long term, building mastery, coping ahead of time. And then the please part is kind of like our body skills, like how do we take care of our body so that we're able to decrease the vulnerability that we experience to emotion mind? That's what that whole ABC PLEAS acronym is about, is decreasing vulnerability so that we can enhance life and just have a generally a better life and feel better as we're going about our day-to-day routine. So I want to ask you a little bit about the building mastery skill because I feel like this one really relates to what you're talking about. What would you say it means to build mastery? And how does building mastery relate to accomplishing our goals?

SPEAKER_00 11:56

The idea of building mastery essentially is so yes, it's a skill, and it's based on the idea that when we build competence in something, so when we develop a skill, when we become better at whatever it is, that we then feel more confident in our ability to do something and how this relates to values and to goals is that sometimes, I'd say even like most times and not if not always, uh, is that when we are creating a list of the things that we want in our life, something that might have been getting in the way of us just achieving that goal is that we might not know how to. Or again, we might not have the skills to make that possible. And so with building mastery, it can help us be able to learn. So a lot of those goals that we set for ourselves will require some sort of learning. So it could be, you know, learning how say if it's my my value is connection with people and feeling more connected with people. And I just don't know how to do that. I don't know how to start a conversation with people. I don't know how to be a friend. I don't know how to engage with people, how to be vulnerable. These are these now all become things that that I need to learn. And if even if I you know start going through that list and I just don't have the skill yet, I might get discouraged by that. And so building mastery can can help in that it also gives us steps on how to develop a skill, how to build competence, how to even master something that is required for us to achieve a certain goal, which will then keep us more aligned, you know, will keep us on this path towards our values. So that's kind of how it ties into it. So without going too much into building mastery, essentially what it teaches us is that when we set too high of an expectation for ourselves, so essentially when we set goals that are impossible, we're actually setting ourselves up for failure. And and often those are the that's the pattern that can lead to people feeling discouraged about sticking to these goals because they they tried it and it didn't work out, and so they've they've become discouraged to continue it. But with building mastery, it tells us to break it down more and more and more. So I'm thinking, for example, value. So again, if my value is connection and uh I then break it down into different goals that would align with that value, I would then choose one goal. Oh, first of all, which is one value, because that could also get overwhelming if we're trying to pursue all our values. So choosing one value, breaking it down into goals, then choosing one goal that just makes sense to start with. So something that is is reasonable, that I think just if you're kind of organizing these orders in terms of what needs to happen first, that's the one that you go with first. And still that goal might seem quite overwhelming. So we can break it down further, further, further, further, further, like two smaller chunks until we are essentially getting to the point where we figure out one action step and start with that. And when we take this approach, we are building our confidence because now we're increasing the chances that we'll be able to achieve that one action step rather than expecting ourselves to it's a new year, and then um I expect myself to just achieve that goal right away. Um, I won't. So I can instead kind of make it uh possible for me. So still doing something difficult and something still possible, something that I can do, I can achieve it, and that builds that motivation to continue making progress rather than shooting for perfection because no one's perfect.

SPEAKER_01 15:36

For sure. I love that. And I think you just said so eloquently exactly where a lot of New Year's resolutions go awry, because I think oftentimes we have just really like we're we're we're feeling good and motivated at the beginning of the year. We've got big ideas, we want big things for ourselves, and so we set like all of the goals and we make them like sometimes pretty big. So it's like I'm gonna go to the gym five days a week, and I'm going to, when I'm there, I'm going to do whatever it might be, right? Like all the machines, or I'm going to do like cardio as well as weight resistance. And then reality sets in and we start doing that, and we're like, oh my gosh, this is way harder than I thought it was going to be. And we stop going and then we feel demotivated and we, we just right. And then that's where that failure sets in. So if we were to really break it down and instead of setting up these really big goals, we have these bite-sized goals that we're able to achieve. Then there's just better possibility there that we're going to be able to maintain that progress in the long run compared to setting up these very elaborate goals and then having them fail.

SPEAKER_00 16:47

Yes. And to add one more thing, yeah, as we're breaking it into smaller tasks, it could, I'm talking about like, yeah, doing something each day and then gradually increasing the level of challenge over time, which will then eventually lead to that, you know, land us at that goal that we wanted. And not only that, but I think we'll also be learning more along the way. We'll learn that we can do hard things, that that I've got to do things the way that it works for me. Maybe along the way I learned that that I need more support from other people. Along the way I learned to problem solve. I find that maybe, you know, I think that I wanted to do might not actually work the way that I that I thought. And maybe I need something different and using more of the resources. And that also leads to that sense of accomplishment. And and that in itself is quite reinforcing.

SPEAKER_01 17:37

Yes, reinforcement. That's an interesting word. In DBT, we are a very behavioral therapy. So if you think about the full name of DBT, dialectical behavior therapy, it's all about changing the way that we act so that we can change the way that we think and the way that we feel. Behavior comes first in DBT. We talk about something called behaviorism and reinforcement is part of behaviorism. Would you be able to talk a little bit more about what is behaviorism? And again, why does behaviorism matter when it comes to accomplishing goals?

SPEAKER_00 18:08

Yeah, definitely. You know, we're talking about how, again, kind of titled together to achieve goals, there's things that you'll need to learn. Something you learn to tackle it a different way. We'll learn how to do it in the first place. And so behaviorism really ties to learning. So behaviorism is a branch of psychology that focuses on on people, on how people learn different behaviors. And so, how this is relevant to our resolutions is that there's two ways how it can help us. Uh, it can the main one is that it can help us gain some insight and it can help us gain insight about maybe why we continue to engage in certain behaviors that actually take us one step away from those goals or more steps. And we can also then better understand what then we need to do to increase in a certain behavior that is going to be part of those tasks that I need to complete in order to fulfill that goal. So reinforcers, uh, I mentioned that word before reinforcing. When I'm talking about reinforcers, is I'm talking about things that are going to increase the frequency of that behavior. So again, recognizing what are the things that are is re- are reinforcing that behavior that is not helping me, and also start thinking about what are the things that I can use to reinforce this other behavior that is going to be helpful for me. So it can give us some insight about what drives our behavior, which I think can increase our compassion and again insight about why it's become difficult for us to stop such behavior that's unhelpful and what I need to do to get myself to do more of what I need to. So reinforcers are things, it could be things that are pleasurable. I think um it can it can be helpful and can be unhelpful sometimes when we're talking about reinforcers. So especially when talking about positive reinforcers, so things that give us pleasure. Sometimes something that makes it difficult for us to stay on track as we're pursuing our goals is that we choose, and whether intentionally or not, we choose to continue doing things that feel pleasurable in the moment. And I think it can get confusing if maybe our goal is to be happy, then we might say, well, been binge watching this TV show makes me happy. So I'm gonna do it. And whereas maybe what we're aiming for is again that long-term happiness. So we can use behaviorism to understand, okay, so maybe those things, those mundane things that I've got to do, those tasks that are going to help me learn and eventually achieve that one goal and then move on to the next goal, maybe those mundane things are not as exciting. They don't give me as much pleasure, as much of a positive reward in the moment. And so what can I do to reinforce myself? So we're talking about then rewarding ourselves, giving ourselves some sort of pleasure for when we complete a certain task that is aligned with our values. And in the long term, these as we stick to to these tasks, as we achieve goals, that is going to give us some sort of reward. Maybe we do achieve that thing that we wanted, we do have that relationship, we do get positive feedback from other people. There's gonna be that reinforcer as well. However, sometimes to keep us on track and to continue taking those small steps that are not as exciting as other things that in the immediate, like in the moment give us that sense of pleasure, we've got to find ways to reinforce ourselves. So understanding what makes me happy. Maybe I still get to watch that show one episode after I have made a after I have called a friend. If that's the thing that I want to do and I just don't feel like doing it in that moment, then I'll make myself want to do it in that moment by rewarding myself after having done that behavior. Or maybe even as I'm doing that behavior, calling my friend, I can I can do something that gives me some sort of pleasure in that moment.

SPEAKER_01 22:00

And then that will make it more likely that I'll do the behavior again in the future. Cause my brain will start to learn that it's going to get some sort of reward or relief, depending on the type of reinforcement after I've done this thing. So if we can start to add in this arbitrary reinforcer to the task that we don't really love to do very much, it's still going to reinforce the brain. And then the brain's going to learn, oh, this task isn't so bad. I'm going to do it again in the future. Exactly. I love that. I think that's, and that's exactly it. So I find that uh when people are successful with their whether it's a New Year's resolution or, you know, let's be frank, we can set goals at any time of the year. So whenever people are setting goals, the people who are most successful generally are the ones that have started with these bite-sized pieces, right? Bite-sized goals that they can slowly increase over time and then they are consistent with reinforcing themselves for doing the hard thing. Amazing. Okay. I think that's probably a good place for us to stop there. So, Adriana, I just want to say thank you so much for coming onto this podcast. It's been truly a pleasure to be able to talk about this today.

SPEAKER_00 23:10

Yes. Thank you again for yeah, giving me the space to chat. I love talking about this.

SPEAKER_01 23:14

Yeah, it's such a fascinating conversation. We could talk about this all day long. Oh, yes. All right. Well, thank you everybody for listening, and we'll see you next episode. Thanks so much for listening. If you found today's episode helpful, please go ahead and leave us a review. And you can also follow the show so that you don't miss out on any future episodes. For more information about us, you can check out our website www.innersolutions.ca