Mile High with a Vampire - Episode 2

Chapter 2 of the ludicrous romance novel by Lyndsay Sands, Mile High with a Vampire. Does it get better? Of course not. But it's entertaining to listen to me get enraged.  

Transcript

SPEAKER_01 0:00

Welcome back to Storytime with Uncle Beambag Mile High with a Vampire Episode 2 Chapter 2. Before I get into that though, I did a little bit of research just to figure out what number in the Argino series this book was, and it's thirty-third. Thirty-third. I'm not going to be reading any of the others. Quinn wasn't sure how long they'd been running, but while that first shriek had been joined by others that had seemed to follow them through the woods, their screams have fallen off since. They'd either run far and fast enough to leave the three women behind, or the injured women had stopped at the plane and were searching for blood in the wreckage. Quinn glanced around at the woods. Dark as it was, she had no trouble seeing. One of the perks of having been turned was night vision, yeah. Nanobots gave her night vision. What the fuck? And that came in handy now. They wouldn't have been able to move far away from the plane at all with their without their night vision. And certainly couldn't have run through the woods. The forest was old. The ground uneven and strewn with branches and fallen trees here and there. Quinn had kept her gaze on the ground to avoid a tumble avoid a tumble. What? Already I'm getting fucking tripped up. Quinn had gaped. Quinn had kept her gaze on the ground to avoid a tumble up to this point. It's written fine, I just can't fucking read. Now she watched the trees blur as they flew by and felt a moment's wonder at the speed that they were achieving. Unlike her twin sister Petronella. Come again. The fuck? Unlike her twin sister Petronella. That's exactly what it says. Unlike her twin sister, Petronella, Quinn had never been very athletic, but you are now because you're a fucking robot vampire. As a mortal, she'd been too busy studying to become a doctor and then a surgeon to bother with physical activities. That's bullshit. That's fucking bullshit. Because if you're a surgeon, you need to have a certain number, uh certain number, almost at a certain level, you need to be athletic to a point where you can be on your feet all day and you can be running around all day and not have to, you know, deal with fatigue or any of that shit. Cause like surgeons have often like 12 plus hour days where they don't even take a break. Sometimes they don't even get lunch into that. And she's like, Oh, I'm um I wasn't ever very athletic. Yeah, fuck Quinn. I said she wasn't pissing me off in the last episode, but she's definitely pissing me off now. I I lost my place. As a mortal, she'd been too busy to st studying to become a doctor and then a surgeon about other physical activities. And while she'd been immortal for four years. So he's been a pilot for four years for Arginot. She's been immortal for four years with Arginot, presumably. Okay. Anyways, just pointing that out. I'm sure it's gonna be relevant later. She hadn't gotten any she hadn't she hadn't got. She hadn't got any more physical. You're a fucking vampire! What do you mean? Oh I'm gonna calm myself, we're gonna continue. So being able to move like this was new to her. It was also amazing, as was the fact she wasn't tiring yet, because you're a vampire, despite having been running full out for what she was sure must be at least 45 minutes to an hour. When she's running this much, do the nanobots require more blood? Like, shouldn't she be running with a juice box of blood, basically, you know, blood bag? I guess she has her own personal blood bag and jet. Oh boy. Here here we go. I'm committed to the story, guys. Her gaze slid to the pilot hanging over Kira's shoulder, and Quinn frowned as she took in his powler and noted that he seemed to be unconscious. It reminded her that he'd suffered a head injury, and that hanging upside down might not be that good for him. So he's upside down over Kira's shoulder. That's ridiculous. Concern sliding through her, I'm sure it's just concern. Quinn picked up speed and began to close the distance between herself and Kirasarka. Intending to get her attention and insist she stop, in the end she didn't have to, though. Quinn was still as good as thirty feet behind when the Russian began to slow and then stopped on her own. By the time Quinn reached her, Kira was easing the pilot off her shoulder to lay him on the ground. You check him, Kira said as she straightened. I must climb three, see where we are. I will climb, Lilia said at once, a frown in her voice. A frown in her voice Sorry, that kind of broke my brain there for a minute. I understand where you can be a little sad in your voice or a little dour, but you can't actually frown with your voice. Clucking with irritation, like a chicken, I guess. Lilia moved to Quinn's side and then frowned as she glanced down at the pilot. He's pale. Yes, Quinn murmured and knelt to examine him. The only people I'm really going to do voices for are people with the accents. And I don't know if Lilia has an accent. She's not written to have one, so. Oh, I guess I will do Jet's gruff voice if he pops back up, which he will eventually, if I remember. Let's see. He was knocked out during the accident, Quinn answered as she clasped his wrist and took his pulse. He probably shouldn't have been hanging with his head down like that. Is better than I guess Lilia actually is slightly Russian, because it says is, not it is. Anyways. I'm not gonna change the accent for her. Is better than torn apart by Nika Marta and Annika. Lillia said solemnly. They're all just everybody's doing solemny shit. Solemn S-O-L-E-M-N-L-Y. Solemny. And I hate it. Because this is like too many. It's too much, Lindsay. It's too damn much. Quinn from now Quinn. Okay. Quinn frowned at the words. She hadn't spoken to any of the Russian women prior to the plane's crashing, but Lilia and Kara seemed perfectly normal type women, surely the other three were too. They wouldn't really harm him, would they? she asked. I mean, we're all civilized people, and civilized people don't just go about attacking. They were badly injured, Lilia pointed out. Very badly. Yes, but we heal quickly. Their bodies have been making repairs since they were injured, and by now they're probably almost back to normal or on their way to it. Duh, Lily agreed s again solemnly. But it will take a lot of blood to make repairs, more blood than their bodies hold. They will be in agony and desperate for more. Still, Quinn began, and Lilia cut her off, they will be suffering the bloodlust. There is nothing civilized about an immortal in the throes of bloodlust. They are mindless with agony and thirst, and would drain their own mother dry in search of the life-giving elixir that can end their pain.

SPEAKER_00 7:22

Oh Lord.

SPEAKER_01 7:26

When she says life-giving elixir, I know she means blood, but Aqua Vita comes to mind. Or the Norwegian version of Aqua Vita, the alcohol. It's not bad stuff. Let's continue. Her gaze shifted to the unconscious pilot. Any one of them would have to drain well. Let's continue. Her gaze shifted to the unconscious pilot. Any one of them would have to drain him to get the blood they presently need. This is her talking. Lilia. Okay. Any one of them would have to drain him to get the blood they presently need, but there are three of them, even though we all know him and like him. Wink wink. They will fight like three starving dogs over one carcass, she predicted, and then assured her, if they catch up to us, they will tell her tear him apart. Quinn was silent for a moment. Lilia's words repeated in her head on a loop, and bringing images to her mind that could have been straight out of a slasher movie, and then a rustling from the woods to their left made her glance sharply around. There was nothing to see. It had probably been some kind of woodland creature, but Quinn wasn't willing to take the chance and stood up abruptly. We should keep moving. Duh, Lilia agreed, and then bent to grasp the pilot by one arm. Take his other arm. If we carry him like that between us, his head will be up. Quinn automatically bent to grab the other man's arm. She'd been told as an immortal she would be faster, stronger, and have better night vision, but had never cared enough to ask how much faster and stronger, or even to test it out for herself. Did she break his arm? I would fucking laugh if she broke his arm. She cared now though, and was learning as well. Their brief run through the woods had proven faster and better What the fuck? Their brief their brief run through the woods had proven the faster and better night vision part of the issue that assurance. Alright. She assumed that meant she was stronger now too, but was still somewhat surprised when she could hold half the pilot's weight with one hand as Lilia was doing without any difficulty at all. The man who was a good six and a half feet tall of course he's fucking six and a half feet tall. I think I made a joke about that, but I don't know if they ever actually discussed his height. Of course he's fucking six and a half feet tall. I mean, why wouldn't he? Six and a half feet tall with what, a five fucking foot vampire or an Asian robot vampire? Alright. Although I shouldn't say that. And I think his wife is like five five, five, four, so it it's weird when you look at them together. So back to the man. The man who was a good six feet and a half feet tall and looked healthy, probably weighing between two hundred and two hundred and thirty.

unknown 10:32

God.

SPEAKER_01 10:34

Are you gonna give us his bicep size next? Are you gonna give us his inner thigh dimensions next? Are you gonna give us the size of shirt that he wears that's super tight underneath that leather jacket where he's got the aviators on? Might as well just be named Jet Thunderbuns at that point. Felt lighter to her now than the five-pound weight she used uh to use, used to use Oh my god, in exercise class as a mortal. His height forced them both to extend their arms over their heads to hold him high enough to keep his feet from dragging, though. Why don't you just let his feet drag? It's fine. We wait for Kira, then go. Lily had barely made the announcement when Kira suddenly slammed into the ground in front of them. While the woman had climbed up the tree, she jumped from the top rather than climbed back down. The impact of her landing was like a boulder being dropped from the tops of the trees. Quinn actually felt the ground tremble under her feet, but Kira didn't seem jarred at all by the landing. They come, we go, Kira said abruptly, and then turned to lead the way through the woods. Did you see lights of a town or anything while you were up there? Quinn asked, as she and Lilia followed the larger woman in the larger woman's wake with the pilot dangling between them. Duh. Lights from small town or settlement far from south. No, far too south, sorry. Kira announced. We head that way. Quinn wanted to ask how far to the south and how far away the other women were, but Kira burst into a run before she could, and Quinn left off asking any more questions for now. Instead she joined Lily and putting on speed to keep the woman in her sights. Despite their speed and strength, it was hard to do. Carrying the pilot between them slowed them down considerably, not because of his weight, but because they couldn't always travel three abreast. There is wait see, okay. So two of them are suspending Jet by his arms, up above, high like high enough, they've got their arms extended up, and so he's like dangling without his feet hitting the ground. It's almost like he's chained to a wall that's high up. Kira doesn't give a fuck and is just running ahead of everybody. Why doesn't she grab his legs and one of the others grabs his arms and then they can just run that way, like having them hammock suspended between them. But they don't think of that because they're morons. God damn. Each time they were forced to do that, it slowed them down a little. They were just doing it at one point when Carrie glanced back to notice and barked. We must move move more swiftly. Lilia, put him over your shoulder. Did I miss a line? Forcing the women to drop back so they traveled almost sideways through the narrow areas. I did miss a line. Okay. So they're in you basically they're almost sideways, you know, like two people trying to go through a door at one time. You gotta turn your shoulders. So I did miss a line. I apologize for that, but let's continue on to this madness. Quinn was back. What the fuck? That did not make any sense. Quinn was back of the trio. Oh. Quinn was at the back of the trio and didn't see what Lilia saw. So was completely taken by surprise when rather than listen to that order, the other woman suddenly cursed, shouted what sounded like a warning in Russian, and then dropped her hold on the pilot altogether. So it's gonna lead Quinn and the pilot tumbling together. He's gonna wake up, look into her eyes, and go, Oh my god, you're beautiful. I I guarantee you something like that's gonna happen. Coming to an abrupt halt. Cut back. Coming to an abrupt halt as the pilot sagged in her hold. Quinn stared past him to Lilia. Her expression probably was shocked as Kira's, as was the larger woman, still looking over her shoulder, began to slip. What the fuck did I just read? Whoa, that did not make any sense. Coming to an abrupt halt as the pilot sagged in her hold, there's a comma. Quinn stared past him to Lilia, another comma. Her expression, probably as shocked as Kira's, was as the larger woman, Dash, still looking over her shoulder, Dash began to slow. Okay. What? Kira began in confusion, but it was as far as she got before she ran into the huge dark shape Lilia had apparently spotted. At least Quinn suspected that that was why the petite blonde had dropped the pilot's other arm to rush forward. She must have spotted the large creature beyond Kira, recognized that the woman was rushing blindly into trouble, her attention turned backwards as it was, and shouted a warning even as she rushed forward rush rushed forward trying to help. So it's a bear. Is there a bear? Are there grizzly bears in eastern Canada? Bears big enough for that? I know they're black bears. I have no idea what type of bear they encounter. They're not in the snow, so it's not a polar bear. Maybe it's a growler, a grizzly, and a polar bear, or are they called as pizillies? I don't know. They're kind of an interesting hybrid combination, though, of polar bear and grizzly bear that are seen in upper northern latitudes. They're a little rare. But now, see, okay, that makes me wonder too, because like polar bear's livers are super dense in vitamin K, almost to the point where they'll poison people if they eat the liver. Fuge your beanbag here, and going through the edit, I keep saying vitamin K. I know it's vitamin A. I have no idea why I said vitamin K. Vitamin K is what clots your blood. And so if you're an alcoholic, you can't really produce that. It's a vitamin A that poisons you. Anyways, enjoy the rest of the podcast. I sure didn't. So you're not supposed to eat a polar bear liver, or else you'll get too much of a concentration of that, and it can really wreak havoc with your system. But a grizzly bear liver is fine. So if you have a pizzly or a growler or whatever they call it, the combination, and you eat its liver, is it gonna have that concentration of vitamin K in it? And then I wonder, because they they eat a lot of seals, and seal meat is really dark and rich, kind of like whale meat. I've never had seal, but I've had whale. My sister got me some whale salami from Norway. Wonderful stuff, best meat I ever ate. But the meat is red like seal meat, and so I wonder if, because they eat so many seals, if that vitamin K kind of concentrates in their liver and makes it so that it poisons more. If it's like a, you know, it's like horny toads. Horny toads eat a lot of ants, and so they get formic acid in their blood, and then they can pressurize the blood vessels behind their eyeballs, and if a coyote or something else comes after them, they can shoot the blood, like directionally shoot it at their target, and the blood is is caustic because of the formic acid because they eat so many ants. So I'm wondering if it's a situation like that, is the polar bear's liver that um enriched with vitamin K because they're eating the seals, or is it a quirk of biology that allows them to live in polar climates better than a grizzly would? No clue. Am I gonna research it? Probably after I'm done with the podcast, because that actually sounds kind of interesting to me. I need to know a little bit more about that. The large shape was a bear. Quinn realized with dismay as the beast reared up on its hind legs with a roar. Sorry, now I'm thinking about bear leppers, god damn it. And seal meat, and how much I kind of want to eat a seal, but I also like how they look, so I really don't, but oh well. I like how cows look, and I eat cows, so the dichotomy of an omnivore, I guess. No idea where the fuck I was. Let's start it over. The large shape was a bear. Quinn realized with dismay, as the beast reared up on its hind length with a roar, the animal had been moving away, probably warned of their approach by Kira's shout, but they were moving too fast for a collision to be avoided. Perhaps if Kira had stopped abruptly at Lilia's warning, what followed could have been prevented, but she hadn't, and the bear, a creature that had to be nearly four hundred pounds and a good seven feet tall, so it's a black bear, I think. Well mm no, hang on. Let me think. Black bears can get to that size. Seven feet tall. Maybe it's a well-fed black bear. It could be a brown bear, but that seems a little light for a brown bear for a grizzly. I'm not a bear expert. I just know the bear necessities. Yeah, it's a horrible jungle book joke. Let's see, it's seven feet tall. It was now on its hind legs, it turned and swung one huge swung one huge paw out at Kira. The beast's claws caught the Russian in the face and neck, raking her tender flesh there as it dashed her into the tree next to them. She's a vampire. She has super speed and super reflexes. Why did she just let the bear whap her right in the face? I don't. She should have just been able to either dodge it or grab the bear and basically like toss the bear off. You know, maybe do like some type of jujitsu move and fling him over. Whether it would have stopped to maul her as well, Quinn would never know. Lilia reached the pear, then attacked the bear. It was the most ridiculous thing Quinn had ever seen. Lilia was her own height of five foot nothing, and probably didn't weigh more than her own 105 pounds. She raced up uh to this 400-pound fur cover giant, punched it in the stomach, and then when her first punch made the black bear it's a black bear, okay. That's what I thought. It was a little too light for a grizzly. Um her first punch made the black bear drop to all fours on a huff of sound. On a huff of sound. Not just on a huff, on a huff of sound. Okay, Lindsay. She punched it several more times in quick succession, striking it in the face and nose. Alright. I mean, I do kind of want to get into a fist fight with a bear, so I kind of respect Lilia for that. I don't think I would survive it, but I did punch an alligator when I was in New Orleans. Um I'm not gonna give you any more context on that because anyways, moving on. Yeah, I'd like to punch a bear too. I punch an alligator, I want to punch a bear. I do not want to punch a tiger. Maybe a cougar. Apparently that was too much for the bear. Squealing in pain, the beast didn't even try to strike back at Lilia, but wheeled around and raced off into the trees, leaving the petite blonde scowling after it. So okay, Lilia like the bear. Swipes Akira, Lilia punches the fuck out of the bear. The bear survives the punching instead of dying, even though Lily is a super vampire, a robot vampire, and then runs off. But they're being chased by the other Russian women who want blood. Why didn't they just kill the bear and leave it for the women to devour? That would have been the most sensible course of action. And now that Kira's damaged, she's probably wanting blood. God in heaven, that's what it says. Quinn blinked at those murmured words and glanced at to the man in front and to the side of her, noticing oh, so okay. Let's let's take half a step back. God in heaven, because it's gruff jet thunder buns. Quinn blinked at those murmured words and glanced to the man in front and to the side of her, noticing only I guess he's diagonal, but how can you really be in front and then to the side of someone at the same time unless you're on a diagonal plane? I I don't know. Maybe he's a bishop and it's a chess board. He can move diagonally. Noticing only then that he hadn't sagged in her hold when Lilia had released her grip on him, but was simply standing. He'd apparently regained consciousness consciousness. During the brief run while he was upright, Quinn was about to ask him how his head was doing when Lilia's horrified gasp caught her attention. The stench of blood reached her at the same time as the sound, and Quinn forgot all about the pilot and rushed forward to join Lilia, where she knelt next to Kira. The Amazon leg crumple against the base of the tree she'd hit, her neck at an odd angle. Her neck's broken, Quinn murmured with a concern. Yeah, it is, 'cause a bear whapped her because she's too fucking slow. I'm surprised they haven't mentioned Amazon again. They mentioned that like three times in the last chapter. With a concern that only grew when Lilia shifted the Russian to lie flat on the ground and Kira's head fell to the side, revealing the bot the bloody pulp. Oh, revealing the bloody pulp the side of her face and neck were. That's just written weird. The bear's claws had sliced through her skin like knives through butter, starting at her nose and digging deeper as it reached her ear and neck. Yeah, that's a bear will fucking do that. Every single one of the five claws must have sliced through her jugular. Every single one? Okay. Quinn thought grimly as she noted the amount of blood on Kira, the ground and still pulsing from her neck. The surgeon in her was coming to the fore. Quinn placed her hand over the injured woman's throat to staunch the flow of blood. We should you must take jet and go, Lily interrupted grimly. I'm sol I'm surprised she didn't interrupt solemnly. Removing Quinn's hand from the wound and using her hold to push her using her hold to push her back. Oh, because she's holding onto her hand and so she pushes her back. Now Quinn blinked in surprise at the harsh order. Who is Jet? Oh fuck, she really does not remember him at all. That's got a sting for this motherfucker. Lilia's eyes widened with amazement even as she said, The pilot. You mean Lassiter? She asked uncertainly. Lassiter's his last name. Sorry. That was me and Lilia saying it at the same time. Lassiter Lassiter is his last name. This is Lilia talking. He goes by Jet, Lilia explained. I should have just read that part and then you would have understood that. Oh, she mumbled, but thought it was a stupid name. Get fucked, Jet. Your vi vampire wife who doesn't give a fuck, man. A nickname because he was a pilot. That's probably his first name, though, she supposed. And then shook the matter from her head and said, But Kira, Kira's wounded and has lost a lot of blood, Lilia interrupted impatiently. She's now almost as much of a threat to Jet as Nika, Marta, and Anika. You must get him away from here into safety. Find the town or camp Kira saw from the tree and call for help for Kira and for the others. They will need blood and lots of it. The only real issue with that is if they don't get a blood supply and there's a town or a camp that Kira saw, they're gonna kill a lot of people. Well, at least we know bears can take down vampires. So there's a really funny joke about a bear, just as a side tangent. It's a review on a Beretta Jetfire, which is a 25 ACP caliber pistol. So it's a little pocket pistol, like a Saturday night special, something that's easily concealable and whipped out and shot. And there's a review on it that says that it's the best pistol the guy has ever carried in the woods of Canada because he was out there with the bear and his or he's out there with his girlfriend and the bear showed up, and one little shot to his girlfriend's kneecap let her drop so he could safely get away while the bear ate her. Don't know where I was going with this. It's not a real review, but it's a funny joke one. Kind of want a beretta jet fire now. But I'd rather have something in 22 long rifle instead of 25 ACP. 25 ACP is kind of anemic for what it is. I mean, it was good for little pocket pistols when John Moses Browning invented it back in I think 1901. I think that's when he did. But consider the cartridges nowadays, it's really anemic, which means underpowered for what it is. You're much better off with a 22 long rifle with a hollow point head, or maybe even a 22 Magnum would be much better. Yes, I'm a gun guy. I know all this shit. Moving on. Wait, where the f okay. I know I turned the page, but I'm confused. Okay. Releasing the grip she had on her wrist, Lilia turned to peer down at Kira, muttering, and tell them they must be quick if they wish to save Jet and whatever settlement it is you call from. Okay, yeah. So Lily is cognizant of the fact that they're probably gonna attack anybody that they run across. What? Quinn asked with amazement. Oh my fucking lord, you are so fucking stupid, Quinn. Surely you don't think they'd attack a town? Yes! They're vampires who have bloodlust. They're chasing you because they want to suck jet. I'm not changing that phrase. I almost said off, but I didn't. Until later. And I'm smiling because I'm fucking laughing. They are hungry and mindless, Lily said grimly, mad with bloodlust. They'll attack anyone they encounter that can satisfy that need. Now go before she wakes up. Get jet as far from here as you can. Alone? Quinn, you are fucking annoying me so fucking bad. Oh god. Queen gasped with dismay. Can't you at least come with us? Ah if I had a gun next to me, I might put it in my mouth, man. This is driving me fucking nuts. Lilli shook her head at once. I cannot leave Kira. I am her guard, always to be by her side, because they're lesbian vampires. I'm calling it right now. They're lesbian vampire witches. Why not? You'll have to continue without me. Now go. Quinn hesitated, a frown curving at her lips. Again, with so much frowns. If it's not solemnly, it's frowns. This is driving me nuts, this writing style. A frown curving at her lips as she peered down at Kira. She didn't want to go on alone. She felt safer with the Russian women. She didn't know the first damn thing about the woods or bears or even about immortals, really. She you've had four fucking years and you never even asked the important fucking questions, Quinn. This is what drives me nuts. If I was turned into a robotic fucking vampire, I would be asking every single goddamn question imaginable. Not only that, I would be doing experimentations on myself, like cutting off my own leg and seeing if I could reattach it, seeing if the fucking blood nanobots would reattach it properly. Or in lieu if they didn't, I would be making my own mechanical fucking leg. But no, Quinn, the surgeon, doesn't question a fucking thing, even though she's been an immortal for four fucking years. I know I said in the last episode that she wasn't annoying me, that she was okay. I've completely changed my mind on that. I don't know if there's a character that's not annoying me. Lilia is as close as it gets, and I'm still really just not liking any of them. Congratulations, Lindsay Sands. You've infuriated me 26 fucking pages in. We have at this point. Let me pull to the back of the book because I do not remember. 354 pages total. We've got over 318 pages to go. And I don't know if my sanity's gonna allow me to do this. But I'll keep on because it makes for entertaining content for the podcast. The symbol of my podcast is an open book on fire because of how bad these stories are, and it's very appropriate right now. Good fuck. Where the hell am I? Oh yeah. Or even about immortals, really. Why the hell hadn't she let Marguerite teach her that's I don't care if that's the name or not, I still have no fucking idea who this is. Her teacher, I guess. Teach her as she tried to do. Go! I'm assuming that's Ilya shouting at her, but who knows? Startled into movement by that bellow, Quinn scrambled to her feet and then glanced around sharply when someone took her arm. It was the pilot. He'd followed her to Kira and Lily and heard everything. Now he was urging her away from the woman. We better get moving, he said, steering her in the general direction they'd been traveling in before their encounter with the bear. Still Quinn dragged her feet. She'd never been in associal Fuck you. Still Quinn dragged her feet. She'd never been in a situation like this and felt completely out of her depth. I'm not sure. Oh fucking hell, Quinn I wish the bear would have taken you out instead of Kira. At least Kira just spoke badly. You were just so fucking stupid. I am, Jet said grimly. Can't you hear them? They're getting closer now again, and Kira might be in as bad of a shape as when she wakes up. I'd rather not die in the woods, torn apart by sheep hires. They aren't sheep hires, Quinn snapped, and then fell silent for a moment and listened, her eyes widening as she heard the shrieks in the distance. They were closer than they had been when Kira had stopped to climb the tree. They were gaining ground, hunting them, she thought, and swallowed anxiously, her gaze sliding to Lilia. She almost begged the woman to come with them, but Jet started dragging her away before she could. We have to move, he insisted, urging her through the trees. You do not we, she said, yanking her arm away. I have no idea what the fuck that means, but that's exactly how it's written. Oh okay, I put the combat in the wrong place for you to get. You do, not we, that's what she said. Yanking her arm away, she was more than a little irritated at being manhandled. Her husband used to do that, pushing her around, steering her here and there like she was a child who needed to be directed. You're right, Jet said grimly, taking a step back from her. His expression was suddenly grim and cold. I don't know why I thought a sheep hire would bother to help a mere mortal like me get away from other sheep hires. Stay with them then, but I'm getting the hell out of here. Jet's not annoying me nearly as much as he was the last time because we're not having it from her his perspective. I bet if it was written from his perspective, I would want to just burn this book. But thankfully I am saved from that for now. He hurried away, bursting into a run, and Quinn stared after him, scowling, her conscience pricked. He doesn't have a chance without you, Lilia said quietly, drawing her gaze round to see that the petite blonde had straightened and joined her. They'll run him into the ground and drain him dry. Maybe that's what he wants. I mean, sucked off by sheep hires. That's not the worst way to go. Keanu Reeves went that way in Bram Stoker's Dracula. I've gotta go watch that scene again. When that came out, I think I was 13 or 14 when I saw that for the first time. So I I was a little it came out a little bit before that, but anyways, for a teenage boy sing a wonderful scene with vampire boobs. Yeah, I mean, spark some stuff. Canorese isn't the only one breathing hard that day, I tell ya. Quinn shifted unhappily at the suggestion, but said, I'm not likely to be much of much help. I don't know the woods, and I she shook her head helplessly. I don't know what I'm doing. I'm not strong enough to carry him or you are, Lily interrupted firmly. You're immortal, you're just as strong as I am. You can throw him over your shoulder just like Kira did. But apparently Kira can't fucking avoid a swipe from a black fucking bear. And you aren't injured or lacking in blood, so you can outrun Kira and the others. His life depends on you, Quinn. So do the lives of the people in the camp in the town, Kira saw from the tree. Every mortal close enough for them to get to is in danger until Mortimer. Who the fuck is Mortimer? Oh. Until Mortimer, the head of the enforcers. Okay, I guess that's who the fuck Mortimer is. Jesus Christ, beanbag. Read it a little bit further along. Sends rescuers with blood. She said, again with the fucking stolen lease. Fuck. I gotta I gotta just start like a click count, man. I swear that's like ten now. It's probably only really seven, but still, seven in twenty-eight pages. That's way too fucking much, Lindsay. And that won't happen until you get somewhere with a phone call. What? And that won't happen when until you uh and that won't happen until you get somewhere with a phone and call them in. Oh god, Quinn breathed, feeling sick to her stomach at the idea of so many lives depending on her strength and speed. Those had never been her long suit. Oh, Quinn, shut the fuck up. She was a surgeon. Now, okay. She was a surgeon brings to mind the weird ass on Like a Surgeon operating for the very first time. It's the parody to Like a Virgin by Madonna.

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Her mind had always I can't read words shit.

SPEAKER_01 37:39

Oh my fucking lord. Alright. Her mind had always been her best tool. That's not true at all. She has no best tools. Yes, you became a surgeon only because Lindsay Sands wrote you that way. Everything you're showing me now is bereft of competence, Quinn. Wait a minute. Quinn, surgeon, Dr. Quinn Medicine Woman. That's the first fucking thing I said to begin with in this podcast about Quinn. The first fucking lines I mentioned that. And now it only clicks to my brain that she quite literally is Dr. Quinn medicine woman. Fuck me, dude. I just want to go to Lake Habasu with my cousin and my sister and smoke a whole bunch of pot. This is draining my sanity. Worse than my fucking job does. Then use your mind, Lilia said now, obviously having read her thoughts.

SPEAKER_00 38:45

It's because they're psychic vampires. I forgot about that shit. Fuck.

SPEAKER_01 38:52

Use your mind and your new strength to save these people, Quinn. You are their only hope. Now wait, hold on a second. If if they're fucking psychic vampires and they can use their abilities to like control their prey, why the fuck isn't Lilia using that ability on Jet or Quinn? Quinn doesn't know fucking shit. But Lilia obviously can read thoughts. So Lilia should be able to use that ability on Jet to control him to get the fuck out of there. But he already got out of the fuck out of there. Oh, it's a confusing tangled mess. Maybe Jet Thunderbuns has got too much free will for Lilia to use. And Lilia did say she likes him, but I don't think that's in a romantic or sexual sense. I do not remember where the fuck I was, so I'm gonna step back to that point. Then use your mind, Lilia said, now obviously having read her thoughts. Use your mind and your new strength to save these people, Quinn. You are their only hope. It's quite literally help me, Obi-Wan Kenobi. You're my only hope. Right, Quinn breathed. I'll try to run interference and slow them down, but you have to go now, Lilia said, giving her a gentle push. Jed is as helpless as a taller toddler against immortals. He won't survive without you. Channing Tatum. Channing Tatum is a very good actor, and he plays a bumbling idiot, idiot. Idiot. Idiot wonderfully. But in the movie that he's with Senator Bulligan, he's basically like the model for the romance character that she writes. But even though he's a bumbling idiot, he's still incredibly confident. And he's awesome. Nobody in this fucking story has any fucking clue what they're fucking doing. I want to go watch that movie again. It was really good. I wanna go watch Jewel of the Nile. No, fuck. That's the wrong one. I wanna go watch Romancing the Stone again. I don't like Jewel of the Nile. That one was really good. This is nuts! This is fucking nuts. Lilia didn't have to push her again. Oh, so now Quinn's taking fucking action. God damn it. Quinn had started to move as soon as the last word left the small blonde's mouth. It was the bit about him being as helpless as a toddler. It made her think of her s oh fuck, she's got a son. It made her think of her son, Parker. He'd been eight when her husband had attacked them both. So did Parker survive? I'm assuming not, because it's not even mentioned him until now. Quinn hadn't been able to save him from his own father. Okay, yeah. Something that had tortured her these last four years. Her confusion and dismay at finding her life altered so drastically after her husband had turned into a vampire, turned her into a vampire, was bad. It was nothing next to the guilt she suffered over not being able to protect her son. Okay, so that puts things in a little bit more of content or context. She's not necessarily completely incompetent, but I don't know. Everybody processes grief differently, and I didn't didn't I've never had a son. But my parents, I was there for when they died, and but they weren't attacked violently. I don't know. I'm trying to make conclusions based upon my own way of dealing with grief, but my own way of dealing with grief is very different than a lot of other people's, so I'm I'm just gonna I'm gonna give her a pass on that. Even though she's a fucking fictional character and she's not confident at all. I'm gonna give her a pass on that she lost her son and she's been running it over in her mind for the past four years. Well, Jet She still thought it was a stupid nickname. Lassiter was someone's son, and Quinn didn't need more guilt. She really didn't quite fuck. Sorry. She didn't really believe she could save him against four crazed immortals. But if she didn't try, she'd never forgive herself. So what I said about Jet's perspective. I think I need to get used to the idea that every chapter it's gonna be one half Quinn and one half Jet. Because now we're shifting to Jet's perspective, and this is gonna drive me fucking insane. Next we're gonna learn Jet had a daughter who died for some mysterious circumstance. That they're gonna bond over their dead children, I guess. I don't know. I'm calling it now. I'm probably wrong. But just the way shit is written, I can see that being like a trope that Lindsay Sands throws in there. Jet was having some pretty unpleasant thoughts about immortals in general and one beautiful sheep in particular when he heard someone coming up on him quickly. I fucking told you it's his fucking Asian waifu. Dr. Quinn Medicine Woman, Asian fucking robot waifu vampire. And Jet's got a heart on for her and has for the past four years. He'd been running flat out since leaving Quinn and the Russian women behind, but Terror had been what? But Tear had dug No, that's not how it's written. Come on. Use your fucking eyes, beanbag. But Tear had him digging deep and finding an extra burst of speed. It didn't make any difference, of course, he simply could not run an immortal. Not wanting to be run into the ground like an impala taken down by a lion, he waited until he knew his pursuer was close enough that he was about to be overtaken, and then he swung to confront his attacker. Jet recognized Quinn one heartbeat before she bent slightly and tackled him like a football player out to kill him. So this is like that scene from The Lion King where Nala tackles Simba, and then they kind of roll around for a bit, and then they look into each other's eyes longingly. I bet let's let's read on, see if I'm right. At least that's what it felt like when her shoulder slammed into his stomach and stole the breath out from him. But when he was able to breathe again and agonized a moment later, Jet found himself upended over her shoulder. Oh, I guess not. Found himself upended over her shoulder, his head hanging just below her ass, and his hands dragging over the forest floor as it moved by below him at incredible speed. Okay, so they didn't do a little bit of a romp. They she just basically like tackled him and then chucked him over her shoulder. Grimacing, he drew his arms up and clasped his hands to keep them from dragging, as Quinn continued racing in the direction he'd been headed. The woman didn't even slow to explain. She just charged on, her arms wrapped around his upper legs, holding him in place over her shoulder as she jumped over fallen logs and swerved to avoid trees in their path as they sped through the forest. I'm surprised she didn't give his ass a little pat. I mean he's basically staring at her ass. It would just make more sense, you know. Relief swept through Jet then. He at least had half a chance with her help, of course. His pride was a little bit out of shape, and he needed the help of the petite creature carrying him. But Jet was a realistic type guy. That does not work at all because everything from chapter one is contrary to that. She wasn't human, and while she might be small, so were bullets. Like that 25 ACP from the Beretta Jet Fire I mentioned earlier. See, I'm connecting it all again. My brain is a spider web of connections, and now you have to deal with that. Congrats. Bullets. But they could save a guy's life in certain situations. See, like the fucking Beretta Jet Fire. What better recommendation for a pocket pistol than one that saves you from a bear attack? Granted, you do need a sacrifice, but that's the price I'm willing to pay. Well, I do kind of want to still pespite a bear like Lilia did. Anyways. The thought made him wish he had one of those special dart guns the enforcers used. It might have given him a fighting chance against the sheep hires howling for his blood. In fact, in okay, hold on a second. So they have dart guns, the enforcers do, that they can use against the sheepars, and I'm assuming it's got some type of like narcotic in it or something, but with the way that the nanobots function and giving them enhanced everything, what the fu is is it gonna be enough to kill literally kill an elephant before it will take effect on him? I don't understand how a dart gun would work with these fucking nanobot vampires. It might have given him a fighting chance against the sheepires howling for his blood. In fact, in future, in future, not in the future, in future, he decided he'd insist one be present on board any plane he piloted if he survived to fly again. And if he continued to pilot for Argento Enterprises, Jet thought grimly, scowling half at the thought and half at the fact that his head was starting to pound again as it had when Kirasarka had carried him around like this. He supposed it had something to do with his head wound and the blood rushing to it. Yeah, I guess, I don't know. Maybe it's concussion, dude. Trying to distract himself from the growing pain, he considered whether or not he really wanted to continue to fly for Arginal Enterprises, spurring immortals around. Jet recalled his excitement at being offered the job for the company and sighed to himself as he admitted that taking this job might have been a huge mistake. At least with other companies you only had to worry about terrorists blowing you up or hijackers shooting you, or dying in a crash, he thought suddenly, as Jeff Miller's face slid through his mind. While he was glad the man hadn't survived only to be torn apart by sheep hires, Miller was dead. Wild Jet was at least while Jet, sorry, while Jet at least had a chance at survival, if only a slim one. It would have been worse if Miller had survived, but he had been pinned in his seat, he acknowledged now. And Jet's mind Okay No, it's just because it's written very weird. He had been pinned in his seat, he acknowledged now. You didn't know that Miller was pinned in his seat to begin. What the what the fuck? All of a sudden now you're acknowledging he'd been pinned in his seat? What the what why why is that a fucking thing, Jet? Dude, seriously, this is like, what the fuck? Why is that there? And Jet's mind strolled down the pathway for that pathway for a moment. Why? Playing out like a horror movie. He could imagine himself refusing to leave the other pilot behind and either standing his ground and dying with the man or being tossed over Kira's shoulder and taken against his will, and then having to listen to Miller's screams of horror and pain as he was sped on by three crazed sheep hires. Well, here he is again, Amazon. While the Amazon carried him off into the woods. Too many fucking solemnlies, too many fucking frowns, too many fucking Amazons. Grimacing at his own wayward thoughts, Jet tried to clear his mind and turn it more to construct too more to oh fuck me. Jet tried to clear his mind and turn it to more constructive things. Like how has this he oh like how to escape the injured sheep hire so desperate for blood and find civilization on a phone. As far as he could tell, Quinn was just running blindly through the woods trying to put space between them and the pursuers, but she'd have to stop eventually. She suspected he suspected. Yeah, okay. He suspected she was using up energy at an accelerated rate with her efforts, and she couldn't do that indefinitely without fuel. She's gonna fucking suck him off. She didn't have a romp with them, but she's gonna stop and take a bit of a nibble. Food would be the preferred fuel, of course, but he wasn't sure she might not need blood. Was he willing to let her feed on him, if necessary, to ensure they both survived? Yeah, have her let her have a little suck, dude. Come on, you'll enjoy it too. His immortal friend Abs, yeah, the childhood friend that drives me fucking nuts too, and she's not even in the story yet. Said her kind can make the person they I called it. I fucking called it. Kind of. In a roundabout way I called it. I said, let her have a little suck. Let her suck you off. Well the lines here as they're written, his immortal friend absent her kind can make the person they bit feel pleasure when they fed from them. She told him that when Tomaso had bit her the first time, he distracted her with kisses and caresses, and all she felt was an incredible ecstasy before she painted. So God, that fucking annoys me even more, man. It's just a callback to like the true blood vampire V shit, when you know you take vampire blood and you get fucking sexually high. But instead it's just the bite, and I wonder if they're using their fucking nanobot psychic powers to like give them an orgasm when they bite them. In a guy's case, that might be pretty messy cleaning up afterwards. In a woman's case too. I mean there are squirters out there. He imagined that now. Oh, now he's thinking about it. I wonder if his dick's gonna get hard and if it's gonna poke Quinn and she's gonna be like, What the fuck is this? He imagined that now. In his mind, Jet was seated in a beautiful bower with Quinn kneeling before him. Okay. She took his head gently in her hands and kissed him. Her body leaning into his, her small breast brushing against his chest, her hands in his hair, he had no trouble imagining his excitement as he kissed her back. See, I told you, this guy has been fucking wanting her for like four fucking years now. His hands clasping her hips and then moving around and down to cup her behind, squeezing and urging her tighter against him before sliding away and up to find her breast. In his mind he needed and caressed those breasts, finding her nipples through the cloth. I just remembered their psychic Quinn's gut to be listening to all of this shit while he's fucking over her shoulder and they're running. She has to have tuned into this. If she didn't, that's piss poor riding, Lindsay, but what you show me so far has not been high quality. In his mind he knew and caressed those breasts, binding her nipples through the cloth cloth of the white silk blouse she was wearing and pinching and tweaking them as she broke their kiss to moan softly in pleasure before her lips slid across his neck. Her smell filled his nostrils, exotic and exciting as her warm breath moved over his throat, and then her lips brushed across the sensitive skin of his neck. It wasn't the first time Jet had imagined a scenario like this. Immortals were incredibly attractive creatures, even though you fucking fought against the shit for fucking ever. Okay, this is contrary to what you were fucking talking about in chapter one, Jet, you fucking asshole. He suspected it was some sort of trick that the nanos that made them what the fuck that the nanos that made them what they were also sent out pheromones or something that made them seem extra attractive to mortals because he had yet to see one he had yet to meet one he didn't think was hot as hell. That is completely contradictory to everything that you fucking inter monologued in the first chapter You cock. But Quinn had affected him differently than the others, yeah, because she's your fucking Asian vampire waifu, dude. He'd thought her hot, but he also felt not protective instinct with her every time their paths had crossed, so he likes him small. And he and she'd stuck in his mind long after each blight. I told you, I called it. He thought of her often over the last four years, wondering how she was, what she was doing, and had often sought out those answers from other passengers on his flights who might know her. But she'd also wandered into his thoughts at the most inopportune times. While having sex with the various women he dated over the last four years, he'd found himself closing his eyes and imagining it was her. Of course he did. Her large, silver tinged, dark eyes looking up at him, her sweet patty mouth gasping his name as he drove into her, and then he'd open his eyes to the woman he was really with, and give his head a shake, trying to remove Quinn from his thoughts. Seeing her standing there in the cockpit after the crash had been something of a shock. For a moment he thought he was imagining her, but then he'd spoken, she'd spoken, somebody had spoken, I don't know who the fuck. Her tone so cool and impersonal, as professional as the doctor she used to be, and then he felt nothing but disappointment. See, I told you, she does not fucking remember you, dude. You were fucking disappointed because you've been fantasizing about her and using her as spank bake material for the past four fucking years while she's been dealing with her husband who killed her son and turned her into a fucking vampire, and this guy just wants to get his dick wet. Fuck you, Jet. Fuck you so hard. She didn't even seem to recognize him as someone she'd met before. Jet knew he shouldn't be disappointed. She hadn't been in a good place on the first flight, yes, obviously. Or even the second, still reeling from the death of her child and husband, and they hadn't even been introduced. He doubted she really seen him this time either. Still, it was hard to acknowledge that a woman who'd taken up so much room in his mind these last four years hadn't spared one thought for him during that time. Pushing these thoughts away, Jet returned to the possibility of her needing to feed off of him and what that might entail. Thinking about it had helped him ignore the pounding in his head, but it made pounding in some other part, Jet. It also had made him forget, if only briefly, that he was fleeing for his life at the moment, although really Quinn was the one doing the fleeing. He was just being carried along, but he pushed that firmly from his mind and returned earlier to his earlier fantasy of the bower. What the fuck is a bower? I have no idea what that is. B-O-W-E-R. Like a gazebo? I don't know. I know it's a word I should know. It's one I probably do know, and as soon as I look up a picture of it, I'm gonna be like, oh that's what the fuck that is. I I don't reading this, I have no idea what it is, though. Only this time, rather than kneeling in front of him, Quinn was straddling his lap, her silk blask gone, and her perfect little breast encased in only a lacy white bra. In his mind he now removed it with more dexterity and skill than he'd ever shown in reality, and her breasts were suddenly free between them. As Jet began to kiss and caress her excited nipples, Quinn began to shift on his lap, her body riding over his erection through their clothes and increasing their excitement so that he began to suck on almost violently on the nipple in his mouth in response dot dot dot. Well, that's where I'm gonna end it today. That's chapter two. Considering how this is going for the recording so far, I think I'm only gonna be doing one chapter, most likely, for each session because what the fuck? Oh Christ, I didn't think it was gonna be this bad, but it is, and now we're getting into like fantasized bower sex scenes with immortal Asian vampires and the six foot fucking five or six foot six guy. It's gonna shift back to Quinn's perspective in chapter three. I'm I I bet you, just because like the chapters for one and two both have had Quinn first and then Jet. It's gonna be really interesting if we get to a scene where they're in the middle of actual love making. Well, okay, I'm not gonna say that because love making actually in entails passion. This is just pure shit. When they get into the middle of fucking, and it's gonna be switching from Quinn's perspective to Jet's perspective, and then it will be interesting to see what words Lindsay Sands uses to describe orgasm and ejaculation. Because I guarantee you she's gonna use some ridiculously flowery prose that has nothing to do with anything. Anyways, thanks for joining me on episode two of Storytime with Uncle Beanbag, Mile High with a Vampire. Tune in next week for episode three. Big question mark. I know I said I was gonna do this, but I'm really starting to question my life choices at this point. Fuck me.