Understanding Love: The Science of Healthy Relationships, Attachment & Self-Love | Let's Get Emotional

In this episode of Let's Get Emotional, hosts Tatiana Rojas and Dr. Jennifer Martin Schantz explore one of the most powerful and misunderstood human emotions: love. While love is often associated with romance, this episode reveals that love is much more than attraction—it's a biological, psychological, and emotional system that shapes our relationships, nervous system, mental health, and overall well-being.

Together, they unpack the psychology and neuroscience of love, explaining how love develops across the lifespan—from childhood and family relationships to friendships, romantic partnerships, caregiving, and self-love. You'll learn how love is experienced in the brain and body, why secure attachment matters, and how early life experiences influence the way we give, receive, and protect ourselves from love.

Tatiana and Dr. Jennifer explain the connection between attachment theory, trauma, emotional regulation, and polyvagal theory, showing how love functions as a powerful regulator of stress and safety. They also discuss the roles of dopamine, oxytocin, and the nervous system in creating connection, trust, resilience, and emotional security.

The conversation also explores common barriers to experiencing love, including insecure attachment, fear of vulnerability, shame, people-pleasing, emotional avoidance, and past trauma. Rather than seeing these as signs that someone is incapable of love, the hosts explain how they often represent protective survival responses that can be healed.

You'll also discover evidence-based strategies to cultivate healthier relationships and deeper connection through self-compassion, loving-kindness meditation, gratitude, attachment repair, and intentional acts of connection. As always, the episode includes practical emotional regulation exercises that help you better understand how love feels in your body and how to communicate it more clearly in your relationships.

Whether you're looking to strengthen your relationships, heal from past wounds, improve your emotional health, build self-love, or simply better understand the science behind one of our most meaningful emotions, this episode offers practical tools grounded in psychology, neuroscience, and clinical research.

In this episode, you'll learn:

• What love really is beyond romance and attraction
• The psychology and neuroscience of love
• How attachment styles shape relationships
• The connection between love, trauma, and emotional regulation
• How love affects the brain, nervous system, dopamine, and oxytocin
• Why secure attachment improves emotional resilience and mental health
• The difference between romantic love, family love, friendship, caregiving, and self-love
• How shame, fear, and past experiences can interfere with connection
• Evidence-based ways to build healthier relationships
• Practical tools for cultivating self-love, compassion, gratitude, and emotional connection

Perfect for anyone searching for:

• How to build healthy relationships
• Self-love and self-worth
• Attachment styles explained
• The neuroscience of love
• Psychology of love
• Emotional regulation
• Healing from relationship trauma
• Secure attachment
• Nervous system regulation
• Mental health and relationships
• Love languages and emotional connection
• Self-compassion practices
• Emotional wellness
• Relationship psychology

Transcript

SPEAKER_01 0:00

You are not lacking love, you may be defending against it. And like once again, the protective like factor of sometimes also those protective factors aren't necessarily for others, they're for ourselves and self-preservation. A lot of us move through life going through the motions, and we don't always pause long enough to notice what we're feeling. And when someone asks how we are, it can feel easier to give the polished answer because we're not always sure anyone really wants the honest one. So here we slow it down and name what's real. Welcome to Let's Get Emotional. Let's Get Emotional is an educational podcast hosted by myself, Tatiana Rojas, and Dr.

SPEAKER_00 0:36

Jennifer Martin Schantz. Each episode focuses on one emotion, and today's emotion is love. We break it down in a way that's clear, human, and practical so you can understand what's happening inside you and what to do with it. Our mission is simple. Help you understand what you're feeling, name it with more clarity, and respond in ways that support your life and your relationships.

SPEAKER_01 1:05

This podcast is for education and general information only. It isn't therapy and it doesn't replace mental health care. If you're in crisis or need immediate support, please contact your local emergency services or a crisis hotline in your area. You can also reach out to 988 as well via phone or text.

SPEAKER_00 1:23

So let's remind you of some definitions we've covered in previous episode. The first definition is emotions. Emotions are quick automatic reactions that occur in both the body and brain. They act as signals, often appearing before we can even describe them in words. These responses provide information. Your internal system's way of letting you know that something important is happening, such as concerns about safety, connection, fairness, loss, threat, desire, or meaning. Next is feelings. Feelings are your conscious experience of emotions. They are the words you use to name what's happening, plus the meaning you attach to it based on your history, culture, beliefs, and relationships. If an emotion is a body-based signal, a feeling is a label you put on it. Finally, we have moods. Moods are longer-lasting emotional states, more like emotional weather. You can be in an irritable mood, a low mood, or a tender mood for hours or days, sometimes without one clear trigger. Emotions are the spark, feelings are the label, moods are the climate. Now let's talk more about our emotion of today, love.

SPEAKER_01 2:53

Wonderful. Yes, let's talk about love. It can mean so many things. And the definition actually indicates it's a strong affection for another arising out of kinship or personal ties. It can be attraction based on sexual desire, affection and tenderness felt by lovers. It can be affection based on admiration, benevolence, or common interest, and an assurance of affection. It can be a warm attachment, enthusiasm, or devotion, the object of attachment, devotion, or admiration, such as a beloved person. It can be unselfish, loyal, and benevolent, concerned for the good of another, such as the concern of God for humankind, or empathy, concern, or care for others. Love can be described as a person's adoration, even of God, God personification of love, such as a Cupid, and an amorous episode, such as like a love affair or a secret love. Or if we're taking it literally in some capacity, a score of zero, such as love in tennis. Love means so many things, and it can also mean to feel great affection, to hold dear or to cherish, to feel a lover's passion, devotion, or tenderness, and to like or desire actively, take pleasure in, or strong enthusiasm or liking for anything. To be very amused by. Ultimately, it's a complex set of emotions, behaviors, and beliefs associated with a strong feeling of affection, warmth, respect for another, and can even come off with elements of protectiveness. So let's break it down a little bit more into some phrases and words that we all might use across the lifespan to describe love. So how might a toddler describe something that they love, or how might they express it? They might say something like, I love you, you're my favorite, I want to be with you, hold me, I miss you, I want cuddles, or you make me happy. Hold hands. They might feel a warmth in their chest or their tummy, see some observable expression, such as a big smile or bright eyes. I've noticed when there's I have little ones of my own, that actually sometimes they have more of a calm expression um in their behaviors, such as sitting close next to you or a calm body, less wiggly, more settled. Um, or you might see the opposite. Excited energy when seeing you jumping spilling. You light up a little bit differently. How might kiddos see this? They might describe love as I care about you, you're important to me. I like being around you, I feel safe with you. I miss you when you're gone. You make me feel better. And they may also describe it as warmth in their chest or their belly, relaxed shoulders, a softer facial expression, a calm breathing, maybe even a cozy feeling. And if they like somebody, maybe they'll have those little butterflies in their stomach. Or maybe they'll feel full or glowy inside. I know I've been talking here for a moment, but Jennifer, do you have any thoughts or anything coming to mind based off of the definition or kind of maybe how kiddos might see or share and express their love?

SPEAKER_00 7:13

Yeah. When I think of toddlers and kids and and the word love or that emotion, it really to me is very it's such innocence that they feel it, right? They say it, but it's that different love when it is parent child rather than you know, spouse to spouse or even friend to friend. So how kids express love, I mean, I also think of gifts, right? And crafts that they're so proud to give, like, oh, I made this for you. Such an expression of love, which I think is just it's so sweet. And even, you know, spouse to spouse, that card that we get from our spouse for our anniversary or, you know, Valentine's Day or another holiday, just it means so much, sort of those words in regards to love. So that's just kind of what it reminds me of as we're talking about kids and and love in general. We haven't quite gotten to adults yet, but I threw in some stuff.

SPEAKER_01 8:21

Yeah, we're definitely getting there, but I think you're so right. Um, I think my kiddo, who's about six gonna be seven, like, you know, came home with a rock to give to me. Um, or my youngest will, you know, if we're eating, like she'll want to feed me. Well, granted, that the food's always like kind of you know, soggy. And I'm like, no, no, that's okay. You go ahead and eat that. But I appreciate the care. Um, and that's kind of how she she connects. So I think love is also like a way in these instances that we're talking about, like it's connection. Um, and so how can I also connect? Whether it's yeah, um, parent to child or kid to kid, like they're looking for these connections as well.

SPEAKER_00 9:02

So absolutely. I mean, I think you brought up a great point that cooking for someone that that food is so cultural, it's familial, it's you know, we celebrate with food. Um, and that can be, you know, an additional, I think, of the five love languages. Number six is food, yeah, you know, and how I'm gonna cook for you when you've had a baby or you're sick, or you know, we're gathering, so we're gonna make a meal. So I think food is definitely something that is also shown in love.

SPEAKER_01 9:38

Yeah, what an expression though. And I think you're right on track, you know, when you think about how do others care and show love and support, or, you know, especially after right, as I think as parents, you're naturally feeding your kiddos and making sure that their basic needs are met, but like especially after, you know, pregnancy and after like labor and delivery, like people bringing food, meal trains, like supporting you your village, kind of stepping in and showing that care and love and support. Um, super, super helpful through like food. So absolutely, yeah. All right, well, let's talk about teens and adults. So, how might teens describe love? Um, maybe they might say, I feel close to you, I feel seen, I care about you a lot. You matter to me. I feel safe being myself with you. I miss you, I want you around. And granted, they may not say those exact phrases, but some of the what they may be sharing may be implied in kind of how they're they're phrasing things. Um, how might it show up for them in their body? And they might be able to recognize that warmth in their chest or an open feeling of being able to be present and seen. They also, if there's some romantic interest, the butterflies in the stomach and the nervousness that maybe comes along with the fluttery stomach when you see your crush walking down the hallway or something like that, the heart beating faster when excited, wanting to be um close to someone or near them or around them. Um, and then feeling like a calm type of love is a relaxed nervous system with safe people, shoulders drop. The exhale and the breathing shifts in that respect. So how might adults how might they describe love is feeling connected, safe, chosen. I choose you to be around and committed to you, especially when you're talking about partnership. Um, I feel tenderness or care towards you. I feel protective and caring. I think a protective piece really does come out when we're talking about those that we love and care about. But I feel at home with you. I want what's best for you. Um, I feel warmth, gratitude, or closeness. We might also see how this shows up in the body for adults, kind of along the same lines of what we've already been talking about. Warmth in the chest, face or hands, a relaxed shoulders draw, steady breathing, soft eyes or a gentle tone, a slower pace, calm and grounded feeling, especially with a secure love, and energized. I love this lightness with joy or connection. Um, and especially if you're not able to be around those that you care about, and there's some separation, whether it's during the day or even long periods of separation, sometimes an ache or longing in your chest when missing someone, anyone that's doing long distance, I'm sure can relate to that and being in relationship or being apart to that extent as well. And also when we love and we care about each other, I think there's also that piece of physical affection that we see, the hugs, the kisses, the tickles, the playfulness. Um, at times it also comes across a pat on the back or a rub on the back, um, things of that nature. So just some ways that we might experience or show love or how we might say we feel loved. So now that we've talked about the definition and um some of what it feels like in our bodies and how we might say it, I'm curious what does the research say about all of this?

SPEAKER_00 13:13

Yes. So research is stating that love is not just romantic, it includes attachment. Um, and we're gonna talk about that a little bit more, compassion, caregiving, and self-love. And I I also want to add in, and this is not something that I searched for in research, but going back to that caregiving, right? And we think caregiving for um, you know, kids or dependent adult or older adult, but caregiving for our pets um is also something that I think is is important to kind of add in. And it is an that additional form of love, that unconditional love. So focusing a little bit on different forms of love, that parental love, right? That caregiving system, that compassionate love, altruism, that self-love with identity and worth. And love has measurable effects on brain functioning, stress regulation, and psychological and neuroscience perspectives. Um, so I think that's important to kind of note with research some barriers um to experiencing love. So psychological barriers, trauma history being number one, that attachment insecurity, and that goes back to definitely trauma history, um, some shame and self-criticism, fear um of being vulnerable. So those are all some barriers to love. Behaviorally, we see emotional avoidance, that overfunctioning or people pleasing and withdrawal. And it may not be if you're experiencing one of these barriers that you're lacking love, but maybe you're defending against it for maybe because there is some trauma there for you. So looking at love versus shame, and we talked about shame in a previous podcast. So I think again, differentiating is super important that contrast with shame, that shame is withdrawal or that threat response, where love is sort of that opposite of safety, openness, and integration. And when we look at attachment, John Bowlby, Mary Ainsworth, two leading research on attachment styles, right? And just naming them quickly, we have secure, insecure, anxious, avoidant, disorganized. Those are all the different sort of attachment styles. But ultimately in relationships, having a secure attachment is better. Why? Because we have better emotional regulation, that relationship satisfaction, and that physical health outcome as well, that feeling of love. And attachment patterns that we have in relationships shape how we give love, how we receive love, but also how we regulate any distress we feel. So looking at attachment, we can do an entire episode on attachment, but I think it's important to note that attachment and love kind of go together, and we're always sort of looking for that secure attachment. Um, also additional researchers, Helen Fisher and Barbara Frederickson. So love consists of three systems, right? That lust system, where we have testosterone, estrogen, or attraction, that dopamine reward-driven system. And again, attachment, oxytocin, and vasopressin. And then also Frederickson defines love as sort of these micro moments of positive resonance. So love is dynamic, it's that physiological synchrony of heart rate, right? And neural imaging, and it's not limited to long-term bonds. So very interesting perspective there. Anything stand out to you before we talk about neurology, neuroscience?

SPEAKER_01 17:40

Well, I mean, I think just the two things I guess come up is, you know, first of all, like the attachment piece. And this comes up regularly, like in the work that I do with clients and just kind of recognizing that's why it's but we're always kind of going back to how were we raised and how did we connect with our caregivers, and then how does that then um impact how we then show up in our relationships, and then how do we parent? So it it spans all across our lives in those different relationships. Um, if we have those in our lives. And so I think that is just a great reminder of how much um impact this particular emotion and feeling can have. Um, and then I think the other thing that really stood out to me that you were sharing is um right, the trauma-based. And I think you said something along the lines, you are not lacking love, you may be um maybe defending against it. And like once again, the protective like factor of sometimes also those protective factors aren't necessarily for others, they're for ourselves and self-preservation.

SPEAKER_00 18:40

Absolutely.

SPEAKER_01 18:41

And sometimes I think that that's always a thing that we kind of forget, um, or always clearly like remember um or even are aware of that. That's kind of why there's distance at times in certain relationships. Sometimes it's not always about avoidance, but about protecting.

SPEAKER_00 19:00

Absolutely. Yeah. So looking at some neurobiology of love, love is this regulatory system for safety and connection. So they're saying it's not just an emotion, it's it's a regulatory system for safety connection. And what we're looking at with that is dopamine, right? That reward motivation, oxytocin, where we get bonding and build trust. And ventral tegmental area, which is the VTA, it's activation and a reward pathway. And then we have decreased amygdala activation, right? We have that reduced fear or threat with a decrease in our amygdala activation. And then looking at it a little bit more clinically, polyvagal theory, um, Stephen Porgis's work, that love activates sort of that ventral vagal system and that social engagement system. And when those are activated, this leads to calm states. It leads to emotional regulation and sort of that increased capacity for connection. And then talking about self-compassion, which I love. And this is Kristen Neff's work when love turns inward, we get three specific components: self-kindness, common humanity, mindfulness, or awareness, and continued research about love. Love increases sort of that emotional resilience, that motivation. And we're not complacent in that. So self-compassion equals that internalized secure attachment within ourselves. Some evidence-based interventions to increase love. So if you're listening to us and saying, okay, maybe I need to increase my love, how can I do that? Here are some ways. So a loving-kindness meditation, this is based on Barbara Frederickson's work. And in if we're focusing on love and kindness, we're increasing positive emotions, social connection, and that vagal tone. And you can search for love-kindness meditation. Um, you know, search for that, it will come up. And then doing attachment repair work. And this is where going to therapy can be very, very helpful, where we learn how to correct our emotional experiences, repair those relationships or those attachment ruptures. And believe it or not, the therapeutic relationship becomes that secure base. Also, behavioral activation for connection. So scheduling time with your friends, you know, making that social contact and scheduling that on your schedule. Also, acts of kindness for others can activate love and then practicing gratitude, you know, improving relational satisfaction. And this enhances our perception of what love looks like. So continuing in our mini tool, this is slightly different. This is also research evidence-based, and it draws from loving kindness research, memory reconsolidation, and also polyvagal regulation. And this is just a three-minute love activation practice. So the first thing we're going to do, maybe take 30 seconds or so, and we're just going to have awareness. Where do I feel supported or cared for in my life? 30 seconds. Then step two, we're going to amplify that. Now for 60 seconds, we're going to recall a moment of connection. And we're going to focus on those positive body sensations and that emotional warmth. And then last step, number three, we're going to extend for another 60 seconds. And we're going to send that feeling towards ourself or someone else. So awareness, amplify, extend those three steps. And really taking three minutes to practice this. And remember that love is not just something you find, it is something you can practice, regulate, and build. Tatiana, I'm going to toss it over to you for another mini tool.

SPEAKER_01 24:11

Yeah, no, I love that. And three minutes, I think so simple. If we can just kind of pause and just take a moment to remember how much like we can give back to ourselves in that way, is so, so important. So um the mini tool I have for us is more of kind of just really being um specific about love and kind of how we experience. So instead of love being one big blurry word, we're going to pick a category. We're going to pick a few words and we're going to finish the sentence. So I think the the piece around this, and I think in some of what we've you know previously shared, is just also how you communicate these things. So when you can name love more clearly, you can communicate it more clearly as well. So what I want you to do is if you guys are open to it, and if you're if you're driving, you should still be able to do this. So just pick the kind of love that maybe is most meaningful to you right now. Love is connection, love is care, love is commitment, love is desire or safety. Maybe it's respect or fondness or gratitude. So pick one that's meaningful to you, and then we're going to choose two to three words that fit that meaning best. So warm everyday love may sound like fondness, affection, tenderness, warmth, or closeness, or adoration. A safe, steady love might feel like security, trust, steadiness, comfort, acceptance, ease, and reliability. And caring love may be compassion, nurturing, protectiveness, support, gentleness, or attunement. A chosen committed love may be devotion, commitment, loyalty, partnership, dedication, and showing up. Admiration, love may be appreciation, respect, pride, admiration, or inspiration. And then love or romantic love may sound like desire, yearning, attraction, chemistry, or butterflies. So whatever has come up for you, you're gonna fill in the sentence. The kind of love I feel is blank. It feels like blank in my body, and it makes me want to blank. So as an example, the kind of love I feel is steadiness and trust. It feels like warmth in my chest and a softer breath. Makes me want to be close and show up consistently. I think that's such a vital part of how we share and express emotions. We also have to let other people know a little bit of who we are and in our world. Any other thoughts before we wrap up for today?

SPEAKER_00 27:10

No, I I think that it's really nice to have options, and love is so individualized, and we have choices in that and what it means to us, and really taking what it means to you.

SPEAKER_01 27:27

All right. Thanks for being here. This episode helped. Consider subscribing and sharing it with someone who could use better words for what they feel, and we'll catch you on the next episode. Take care, everyone. Bye.