Where is your Husband?

You walk into a function, minding your business… and suddenly your love life is under community review.

In this episode, Dr. Phebe Brako explores the infamous question many immigrant daughters know too well — “Where is your husband?” — and what it really means beneath the surface.

There's a special appearance from Mama Ceci and we unpack marriage expectations, cultural timelines, and the pressure that turns your personal life into public conversation.

If you’ve ever been single for five minutes and suddenly “time is going”… this one is for you.

Send your questions and topic ideas to consult@phebebrakolmft.com or slide in my DM's on Instagram @drphebebrako

Remember we can only grow our audience with your support. Please share with your community!

Transcript

SPEAKER_02 0:00

So when they're asking where is your husband, sometimes what they're really asking is who is going to stand beside you? Who will care for you? Who is going to build a family with you? Welcome back to Between Two Worlds with Dr. Phoebe, the podcast where we translate the things immigrant families say and the things that they actually mean. And before you go any further with your listening, I have a request for you. I would love to get some feedback on our episodes so far. So please let me know what you think. I want to hear what is working for you, what isn't. Is there a topic that you feel we should talk about that we haven't yet? Or maybe one that you're like, Phoebe, we shouldn't go here yet because we're not ready. I'll probably go there, but you know, it's okay. So please send me an email at consult at phoebrackelmft.com. That's consult-c-o-n-s-t at phoebbraccolmft.com. At the same time, I am on Instagram. So you can slide in my DMs respectfully on Instagram at Dr. Phoebe Braccel. Now remember, don't add that O because my parents decided to put the O at the end of my name. Okay. So this is our communities podcast. So I want to hear from you. I want your voices to also be heard. And maybe if you have a question, at some point we could have a listener letter kind of section and we could talk about some of these things, right? And also, while you're at it, please make sure that you hit that subscribe button, the follow button, the review button, all of the things we want to get this podcast to everyone who needs to hear these really powerful conversations. Oh, and uh before I forget, I am your host, Dr. Phoebe Braco, therapist, immigrant, daughter, and someone who has personally survived approximately about 3,842 aunties asking about my relationship status. Today's episode is from the parents' perspective, though, and the title will sound familiar to many of you. It's called, Where is your husband? Where is your husband? Where is your honey? Right now, before anyone panics, this episode is not about shaming immigrant parents, okay? It's really about understanding what is underneath that question. Because when many immigrant parents ask, Where is your husband? or where is your wife, what they're really asking is something much deeper. Let's talk about it. Every immigrant child knows this moment. You you go to a wedding. You go to a funeral. I mean, especially the weddings. The weddings are the weddings are usually where this comes up. Um I remember reading a book recently called Yinka, Where is Your Husband? Great book.

SPEAKER_01 3:21

And that was what kind of inspired this episode, too, right? So you go to a wedding, or maybe a funeral.

SPEAKER_02 3:26

There's a there's there's a graduation, a party, somebody's birthday party, even the kids' parties with the bouncy houses and everything, right? And honestly, just you existing in public. And an auntie that you have never met in your life approaches you like an immigration officer for your love life. And the first question is, uh-huh sweet, so where's your husband? There's no hello, there's no how are you? There's no how's it going? It's straight to marital status interrogation. And if you say you're not married yet, right, don't be in your late 20s, 30s. Even at 30s, you're kind of like hitting it, you know what I'm saying? And like once you say you're not married yet, the follow-up questions they escalate immediately. There's no, let me talk to you about what else is going on in your life. It's ah, why? Are you are you being too picky? You went to too much school, you like school too much, you have too many degrees. Um, you're hearing questions like, or you're hearing statements like maybe your standards are too high. You know, time is passing. It's time that you started talking about, you know, moving forward with your life and things like that, and you're probably standing there like, How how did I get here? What what is going on over here? So suddenly you came out of hiding to come and eat your jolla rice, and now you're defending your entire life plan at this stage. So what what do our parents actually mean? What is this, what is this whole marriage thing about? Some of us are from from cultures that really emphasize marriage and and relationships in this way, marriage especially. And I I I want us to maybe look at, or maybe I want to take this opportunity to translate this question from our parents' generation. When it comes to marriage, marriage equals stability for many of our cultures, especially those of us from West Africa, from Africa in general. I'm gonna speak for my people. And I know that this is also going to be relatable to a lot of people from other cultures as well. So for many of our immigrant parents, marriage has historically meant survival, it has meant shared financial responsibility, it has meant protection, it has also meant community respect because believe it or not, there have been certain spaces that if you're not married, you kind of you don't get to sit there. And I find that very interesting sometimes. But it's the way that the community has been set up. When there's certain discussions that are happening, you don't necessarily get invited to those. And your parents are probably asking this question because they're thinking about this community respect that comes with marriage. There's also this part around raising children within a certain structure. So when your parents are asking about a husband or a wife, they're not just talking about romance, right? They're not just talking about, ooh, what's your love life looking like? You know, are you taking walks on the sunset, you know, uh uh during sunset on the beach and things like that? It's not the things that we see in the movies. What your parents are asking is, are you going to be okay in this world? Because of what marriage represents for them. Another thing, too, is that time feels different across generations. So our parents, my parents, your parents, they most likely married younger. Sometimes like really, really, really young. And that means that when they see you at 30 or 35 and you're single, their internal alarm clock starts to go off. Not because they think that you're failing or that there's something wrong with you, but it's because their cultural timeline is different. They lived according to a script that said, You go to school, you get your education. After you get your education, you marry. After you marry, you have kids. After kids, there's stability, right? They they have this timeline in their minds. So at the same time, or I should say, meanwhile, our generation or the younger generation, this generation, our script looks very, very different. It looks more like education, career, therapy, okay, travel, because you know, we like to get fluid out. You know, I we just like to hop on a plane left and right. I just hopped off a plane a couple days ago and I'm about to hop on a plane later today. It looks like healing, and then maybe marriage. Maybe, right? There's different timelines, and at the same time, the thread that runs between the two is that there's the same desire for security. Another thing behind that question of where is your husband is that community pressure is real. Okay, so many of our immigrant parents are also navigating community expectations, right? I'll never forget years ago, some of my friends might know this, but years ago, before I came to the US, I decided to go audition for a um music, song, competition, whatever. And it was called Stars of the Future. If you know, you know. And I remember not telling my parents I was going to do this. My mom was at home, and I remember saying to her, Oh, I'm going to go audition for Stars of the Future. And I was literally walking out of the gate. And then she sees me at the gate. She's like, Don't go out there and embarrass me. You know, people who know me. And I remember just thinking about that and just laughing internally. But my mom was always really big on what are people going to say, right? Because community has expectations. And you're going out here and you're representing me, so you better not go and embarrass me. Let's just say I didn't make it too far-ish, kind of sort of, but I was also moving to the to the US like right after then, too. So it just the timing was. Let's just leave it there, okay? Let's leave it there. We don't need to talk about my coulda-woul-da-been music career, okay? So sometimes the question of where's your husband is not even coming from them. It's coming from extended family. It's coming from church members, the pastors, the deacons. When they go to church and they're asking, oh, any prayer requests? And then your mom's hand is up. Please, I didn't pray for my daughter. She needs a husband, you know. Sometimes the questions are not even coming from them. They're coming from community gossip networks. Because believe it or not, the parents have their group chats too. They have their little group chats going too. And don't let one of them have a child who gets married or has something going on, and then they put the picture, and then all of a sudden, oh, uh-huh, Auntie Nelly. So what's up with your daughter? What's up with your son? Right? And sadly, our parents sometimes pass that pressure down unintentionally. It becomes less about your happiness and more about their social reputation, how people see them, how their friends see them, how their classmates see them. My flatbrothers were agasted when I found out about all these like group chats that my parents are in from like their high school, you know, friends, and they have like little high school groups and whatever on WhatsApp.

SPEAKER_01 11:17

I was like, we don't have anything to do with their time other than, you know, but I mean, good for them.

SPEAKER_02 11:22

But here's the thing underneath all of that, parents just want to know that their child will not face life alone. Yeah? So let's talk about the emotional core of this. Here's the part that is rarely spoken out loud. A lot of our immigrant parents equate marriage with protection, especially for their daughters. They've seen what life looks like without support. They've seen how society treats women. They've seen how women struggle alone. So when they're asking, where is your husband? Sometimes what they're really asking is who is going to stand beside you? Who will care for you? Who is going to build a family with you? Who will be there for you and with you when I am no longer here? Who is going to celebrate those beautiful moments with you? And the children, they hear this differently. What they're hearing from this question of where is your husband is you're incomplete, your life hasn't started, your accomplishments don't count. So we have two very different interpretations. And here's the beautiful thing: both of these interpretations are rooted in love. But we're just speaking different emotional languages. So here's this week's Bridge the Gap tip. I want you to replace this pressure with curiosity. What do I mean by that? If you are a parent and you're listening, instead of asking, Where's your Osband? You can try asking a question like, Are you happy with your life right now? Now I know that happiness it can be very fleeting, and we all have different definitions of happiness. And even as I'm I'm saying the question out loud, I'm just wondering to myself what it's like for an immigrant parent of a different generation to even ask about their child's happiness. Right? It's interesting. So another question that you can even ask is what kind of partner would make you feel supported? What do you want your future to look like? Because these questions open up conversation instead of creating pressure. And a lot of us have seen how marriages have gone with the generations before us, and some of us have decided we don't want that for ourselves. If this is what love looks like, we don't want it. Let's be honest. We've seen the the the disrespect, we've seen the the emotional neglect, we've seen a lot of these things. And so when you're asking your children these questions of where's your husband, and you're not approaching them from a place of curiosity, curiosity, and instead saying, you know, what do you want your future to look like? We still have some of these things in the back of our mind that we're still, some of us are still healing from. And so if you are the child and you're listening, sometimes it helps to explain your timeline or what your dreams and your hopes are, right? You're not doing this defensively, you're not, you know, doing this in an intense way, you're just being honest. You can say, I want partnership too, right? I'm just trying to build it in a in a healthy way, right? Because at the end of the day, both generations want the same thing. We want love, we want stability, and in a life that feels meaningful, we're just approaching it very, very differently. And also, there's a lot more opportunities and different risks that people are okay with taking these days that maybe in the past we weren't okay with taking. Let's let's just be honest about it. I I will never forget being a teen and watching a TV show, or maybe it was a movie. There was a time in Ghana where we had these really amazing movies with crazy wild storylines. I remember one of them was uh a stab in the back or a stab in the dark. We could never get the title right. So if you're listening and you know the title, please, please, please let me know. And um, there were a number of other movies, but you know, we we were seeing a lot of marriage in in different lights and and seeing how relationships were. And I remember as young as I was, I was like, if this is what marriage is, I don't want it. And I remember I just kind of blurted it out. My inside voice won that day, and I said, I don't think I want to get married. When I tell you, my mom almost lost her mind because she had this dream for me and she had this idea of what life needed to look like for for me, and the stability and and the love and all of the things. And I remember just saying, Yeah, I don't, I don't want this. And looking back at that moment, I think maybe what I could have said, not that I would have known this as a teenager, but what I could have said was, this looks kind of scary. Is this how it really is? And asking those questions of my mother. Um, but also I know that we're from a culture where we can't ask some of these questions. We're not allowed to ask one of these questions because you are being too grown, or as we say in my language, we impenece them, and you know, this is adult talk. This is an invitation for us to start having these conversations early with each other, sooner rather than later. And also, what we think about when it comes to love, companionship, and all those things, not all of us are going to be very traditional. Not all of us are going to want marriage to look the way that we think it needs to look. Or some of us just might not even want marriage at all, right? All right, everyone. Today's episode is special because I brought in someone who has been asking, you know, all the questions. Where's your husband? Where's your asband before you know this podcast even existed, right? She's the woman who raised me, she prayed for me, she fed me. Sometimes, you know, question my life choices here and there, not a whole lot, but you know, every now and then, because you know, I'm not perfect, but I try to be.

SPEAKER_01 18:11

We can talk about that later in therapy.

SPEAKER_02 18:13

But anyway, so please welcome my mom, the original CEO of my childhood. Mama CC. Welcome.

SPEAKER_00 18:20

Thank you. Thank you for my title.

SPEAKER_02 18:23

Uh yes, yes, original CEO. Yeah, yeah. So so what I'm I'm curious about is when you were my age, right? In your in your 30s and all that, what did marriage represent for you? Was it about was it about love? Was it about stability? Was it about family expectations, or maybe even something else?

SPEAKER_00 18:44

When I was about your age, I thought marriage was beautiful. It's happiness, yeah. And uh marriage is uh for two people, a man and a woman coming from different homes to come together, as the Bible says, a man will leave his family to join or cleave to a woman, yeah, and they become one flesh and they stay together. Right. I feel marriage, I felt marriage was okay because uh when I stayed with my siblings, my sisters, yes, yes, and they were all married. I saw some the way their husbands were treating them, yeah, yeah, treating them, and it was so beautiful, so nice, and um they were caring for each other. So I felt that uh marriage is good. If uh you marry, you get a good partner, it will be sweet, and it will be nice. Yeah, a good man or a good woman who will help you, yeah, so you will forget some of your problems when you were single, yeah, yeah, to build a family, a home, and uh you bring forth children, and uh you take both of you take care of the children, you raise them up in God fearing, and uh you help them to decide what to do. So I was uh I was happy. I was happy when I hear marriage, it brings uh happiness and uh good name to the family, yeah. The family you are coming from, yeah, yeah.

SPEAKER_02 21:03

So it sounds to me like your idea of marriage when you were about my age was was based on the experiences that you had had with watching your sisters in their marriages, but also keeping in mind that this is something that would also bring some prestige to your family, also, right? Because in our culture, marriage is very important.

SPEAKER_00 21:24

Very if you don't marry, people will be talking, asking questions, worrying your mother or your parents. Why is it not your daughter getting married, or maybe she has a problem? Yeah, so every parent, especially mothers, they are worried about their children, right? Especially uh daughters, right? That they get married and uh get a good marriage, yeah.

SPEAKER_01 21:57

Yeah, yeah, which which kind of leads me to the question of.

SPEAKER_02 22:00

Of you know why, or what is underneath when parents are asking their daughters, for example, where's your husband? Would you get married? You know, are you dating somebody? Blah blah blah, that sort of thing. What is really underneath that question? What I'm hearing you say is that there's worry.

SPEAKER_00 22:16

Yes, we have to be worried because um maybe the mother, myself, all my friends' daughters were getting married. Yeah, and uh I've been attending to helping them. So I will be worried and thinking about why my daughter, what's wrong with her? Maybe she doesn't want to marry like some people other countries, the the ladies don't want to marry, but be taking boyfriend up and down. Yeah. And uh just to prove to people that uh my daughter too has married, she doesn't have a problem. And in the family, to maybe all the ladies in the family are married, and uh my daughter hasn't married, I'll be worried. There's a lot of pressure there, pressure.

SPEAKER_02 23:14

Yeah, there's a lot of pressure there, and I mean also, you know, having boyfriends, there's nothing wrong with it because you know you have to graduate, you have friends, and then you know, you go to boyfriend, and then you go to, you know, and there's levels to it, and sometimes not everybody is going to graduate from boyfriend to husband, straight, yeah, because it's just not it's just not feasible.

SPEAKER_01 23:33

But I I see what you're saying that you know sometimes there's a concern, and I know that one of the conversations that we've had is that there's also the who is going to take care of you when I'm not here, right?

SPEAKER_00 23:44

Yeah, and at least uh if uh you you marry, I fall sick or fell sick, you know, you will come home with your husband to come and visit me or take me to the hospital or take care of me. Yeah, it's very nice, yeah, yeah, to have a family, yeah. To see your daughter married, yeah.

SPEAKER_02 24:10

That that makes sense. So, if you know, when you think about me, for example, what are you hoping for for my future when it comes to relationships and marriage? That's a good question.

SPEAKER_00 24:21

I hope and I pray every day for you, my daughter, that um you get a better marriage, you get somebody who cares for you who will be there with you 24 hours.

SPEAKER_01 24:42

Okay, 24 hours is a little much, right? Sometimes I want my space, you know what I'm saying? Like sometimes we want our space, right? No, but I see what you're saying.

SPEAKER_00 24:48

Yeah, I know, but if the person is a loving man, you don't mind, yeah, being with you always, you know, helping you, yes, especially your work, yeah, yeah, helping you and to support you, yeah, and appreciate you, yeah. Appreciate you because there are some men they will appreciate what you are doing, competition, yeah, competition in it. So I can understand. I pray, yeah, I pray that you get a good relationship, a better one, yeah. Yeah, and so you'll be happy every day.

SPEAKER_01 25:32

That that is true, and so yeah, you know, I I see what you're saying, I do, I do, yeah. Um, and also like you know, she says she's praying every day, like every day, every day.

SPEAKER_02 25:46

Okay, all right, you know, the pressure is pressuring, yeah. But anyway, you know, mom, if if you could um say one thing to immigrant parents who are trying to understand their children, and when it comes to marriage and relationships, what would you tell them?

SPEAKER_00 26:01

Oh, I will tell them to have patience, very important. Patience for their daughters, always pray with them, ask them what they are planning to do, who is in your life, yeah. But uh, you shouldn't put pressure on your daughter because maybe she has gone through something and uh she has made her mind not to go again, right? Yes, so that's trauma, yeah. So she is just relaxing, and uh parents, especially mothers, we shouldn't put pressure on uh our daughters, yeah, yeah, to marry, yeah, yeah, because marriage is for a long term uh thing. Yeah, yeah. You can't just go today, then tomorrow you decide right, I won't go again. Right. She has to take her time, watch the person know him well. Absolutely, yes. I am in full agreement with you, yes, know him well before she takes any decision. Yeah, okay, I agree. That's what I want to tell them.

SPEAKER_02 27:20

Okay, well, y'all heard her. That's what she said. She said to be patient and understanding, yeah, and also just recognize that marriage is not going to be a priority for everybody. And can I say that's okay? Yeah. Somehow. That was a little hesitant.

SPEAKER_01 27:37

Yeah, somehow. All right, you know what? Okay.

SPEAKER_02 27:41

We we can we can we can maybe agree to disagree on that one. Yeah. Okay. All right. So the next time an immigrant parent asks, you know, where is your husband? Remember that behind the question is often concerned, hope, a lifetime of cultural expectations. And one thing that I want parents to also understand is that you all are the blueprint of marriage for the generations after. So whatever it is that you're showing or you're putting off, whatever you're talking about, the statements that you're making about love, about companionship, about marriage, that's what your children and the younger generation around you, that's what they're going to be picking up. That is what the message is going to be about marriage. So if you're going to continue talking about how hard marriage is and you're not actually showing what love and what a beautiful and a healthy marriage could look like, this is a seed you're planting in your children. Let's be honest, right? So if you're you're you're a parent and you're listening or you're watching, remember that your child is not necessarily rejecting marriage. They're trying to build relationships that are healthy, relationships that are safe, relationships within which they feel chosen, they feel supported, especially in this day and age when we're taking on different levels of responsibility. We're taking on a lot more risks. And I'm talking about people like myself who are professional women, we're the CEOs, we're the we're the breadwinners, we're the we're all of the things, right? We have to understand as parents that the way that we are defining relationships and the the needs that we had in relationships before are not the same needs as today. Yesterday's price is not today's price, you know what I'm saying? And our children are learning, we're seeing what we want, we we're seeing what healthy relationships and healthy marriages look like, and it's going to take time. So if your 35-year-old child, daughter, son, whoever is not married, there's a reason for it. You have to start asking yourself the difficult questions of what have I taught my children about marriage? What have I talked to them about when it comes to marriage? And that takes time. So, I'm Dr. Phoebe Brackell, and this is Between Two Worlds for Dr. Phoebe, where we unpack culture, family expectations, and love were complicated conversation at a time. So, thank you for watching or listening, and I will catch you next time.