Between Seasons: Things Immigrant Parents Think Are Self-Care

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Transcript

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Rest matters. Let's be honest. Rest matters. Comfort matters. And the problem is that many immigrant parents never actually learn how to intentionally care for themselves. They learn how to survive. And there's a huge difference there. Survival is going to ask you how do I make it through today? How do I just get through today? And self-care is actually going to ask you a different question. You know what that question is? How do I fill my cup today? How do I replenish myself? And many immigrants spent decades focusing on survival and just trying to get through, trying to make it one shift at a time, one season at a time, one cold winter at a time, uh one hot summer at a time, right? And now they're entering stages where you know rest and joy and personal fulfillment also matter. Welcome back to Between Two Worlds with Dr. Phoebe. Today we're going to be talking about something that you've probably heard before. Self-care. Specifically, immigrant parent self-care, or what immigrant parents believe counts as self-care. Because if we're being honest, our parents have some very uh creative definitions. Let's get into this. Many immigrant parents really suffered hard circumstances, right? Really hard situations. They have gone through immigration, they've probably had some sort of financial hardships. Like our parents do not always look like the things that they have gone through. They've had to deal with language barriers in ways that we will probably not understand. The different kinds of discrimination and being separated from their families. You know, I think about how our parents who moved abroad earlier had such a life that I can't imagine living. Because think about the fact that, you know, phones were not in every home. And so your your family member is overseas and they need to talk to you, and they have to wait until someone has come to your house to come and call you. Hey, your dad just called and wants to talk to you, and then you have to leave your house to go to the home of the family that actually can afford to have a phone, right? And and they were separated from their families in ways that, you know, these days we just take a photo and you send it, and then that's it. Oh, I went to the mall today, and then you send it to your family member across the ocean. And it just seems so instant. And I think sometimes we take it for granted. I think we really do. Right. So when when people talk about self-care today, it might sound kind of strange, right? And meanwhile, their version of self-care sometimes includes like watching church services for four hours straight. Um, God bless YouTube, because some of our parents sit on there and it and also I'm grateful. Let me not let me not take this lightly, but I'm grateful for technology and us being able to stay connected to our homes and our home countries and and how that can feel relaxing and and connecting also for us, right? And sometimes like for our our immigrant parents, that's how we look at self-care, right? It's me sitting and watching a church service and participating online on Zoom or whatever. Um, for some, it's calling relatives overseas. Every Sunday, it's the routine after church. They pick up the phone and then they're calling this person on WhatsApp. Hey, how are you? How are you doing? How is the family? And and all those things. Hey, when are you coming to visit us? When will we see you? And and and also on the other end, it's you know, when are when when are you gonna be able to send some money and and all the things that we ask for? And I asked for a phone, when am I gonna get it? For for some of our parents, it's also walking around Costco, okay? Buying absolutely nothing, but somehow you're staying there for like two hours. And I mean, if you're like me, you're probably getting samples too. So I mean that that's understandable. Someone said recently, I think I read something online that along the lines of when you go to Costco, you don't go with a list, you go and then Costco tells you what you need. And I said, you know what, who she absolutely for some of our parents, what self-care looks like is drinking tea, right? You get your little cup of Milo or you get your Lipton and you're sitting down and you're drinking tea. And also the classic one, watching TV until they fall asleep. Uh, I know some people who will leave the TV on and then the TV is watching them. There's also this idea of self-care being complaining about being tired while you're refusing to sit down. And and honestly, you know, some of these things are are self-care, right? Connection matters and and and all the things, but also like our aunties who are always complaining about, oh, I'm so tired, oh, hmm, my back, my back is hitting. I'm just my my everything hurts. And yet you're not sitting down, right? Rest matters. Let's be honest. Rest matters, comfort matters, and the problem is that many immigrant parents never actually learn how to intentionally care for themselves. They learn how to survive, and and there's a huge difference there. Survival is going to ask you how do I make it through today? How do I just get through today? And self-care is actually going to ask you a different question. You know what that question is? How do I fill my cup today? How do I replenish myself? And many immigrants spent decades focusing on survival and just trying to get through, trying to make it one shift at a time, one season at a time, one cold winter at a time, uh uh one hot summer at a time, right? And now they're entering stages where you know rest and joy and uh personal fulfillment also matter. And sometimes adult children become frustrated because their parents will not prioritize themselves. But many parents simply never had that model. Nobody taught them to take the vacations, nobody taught them to take a day off, not to go to the hospital, not to go for doctor's appointments, not to, you know, go to an immigration appointment, but just to take a day off, right? Just taking a paid day off, unpaid day off, PTO, prepare the others. The others were never prepared because they never, you know, they never actually took the PTO. And I don't know who needs to hear this, but listen, wandering around Costco is not a personality trait, okay? Yet somehow every immigrant parent that I know treats Costco like it's a it's a cultural landmark, right? There's there's no no no no lists, there's no mission, it's just vibes, inshallah, and and free samples. Don't sleep on them samples, okay? And if you don't have a Costco near you, I am so sorry. Costco is just one of my happy places. I had a friend whose kid loved Costco, and so this was before I had kids. I would just go pick them up and just be like, hey, you want to go to Costco to get free samples? Yes, Auntie Phoebe. And then we would just go, and he would sit in the cart or help you push the cart, and we'd just go stop and buy different samples and just pick them up. Oh, I miss those moments. So here's the here's the bridge and the gap tip for you for this week, right? I want you to ask your parents, what did you enjoy doing before life became so busy? Just ask, right? What did you what did you like to do? Were you playing soccer? Were you were you playing tennis? Were you playing Lulu or as we play in Ghana Oari? Were you sitting at the bar with your friends, kikiing? Were you going to the salon to go get your hair done? And that is one of the pleasures that I have missed. I'm not going to lie. Just even as an adult, being able to just go to the salon on a Sunday, having it be a part of my routine, because that was my routine growing up with my mother. We would go to the salon every Sunday and we'd go get our hair done. This was before I I shaved my head. I shaved my head in sixth grade, I think, was the first time. So I think sixth grade was when I first shaved my head. And then I let it be that way for a while. And then I went to high school and I had to have a shaved head there. But but it was such a vibe for us. Every Sunday, it was something for you to look forward to. She would go to the salon, and you know, my mom would go to the salon, and you you just get pampered, you get your hair done, your hair washed, the whole thing. And as you're asking your parents the these questions, and ask even your you're asking yourself those questions, you might discover some forgotten hobbies and and interests and maybe some dreams that you had. I I have a number of hobbies. I'm a gamer, I love playing video games. And when I say that out loud, a lot of people look at me like you're an adult. Why are you doing this? Especially like people in the immigrant community, and also like with me being a woman too. And I'm like, yeah, it's just relaxing for me to just play some random Crash Bandicoot or some Super Mario. And um I also build Legos, you know, and I remember enjoying it a lot. And these days I don't even have the chance to do it as much because life has just gotten really, really busy. It's just a busy season for me, just with everything going on. My family's going through a major transition, and um it's it's it's warm outside, so I'm trying to be outside too, you know what I'm saying? I'm trying to have a hot mom summer, you know what I mean? So I um I encourage you to start asking your parents those questions. And one of my favorite memories actually of my parents was years ago, it might have been maybe about five or six years ago. I remember being heavily pregnant, and we went to, and I had a toddler too, and we went to a water park, and it was my parents' first time at a water park, and I remember seeing my parents coming down this water slide, and oh, it was one of the most beautiful moments in my entire life. That memory is a core memory that I always fall back on, especially during the summers. And I mean, my mom hit her knee because but yes, it was a fun time. We had a really, really lovely time, and so listen, the weather is starting to be nice outside. This might be the time to start discovering some of those hobbies. I got into tennis last year, actually, and I'm gonna go back into it. So, this this week, give yourself permission to do something that is not productive, not because you've earned it, but because you're human, right? Because you you need to take care of yourself, do a little razzle-dazzle in your life. Have like have some fun, do something nice for yourself for once, okay? So, thank you for joining me on Between Two Worlds with Dr. Phoebe, and until next time, take care of yourselves and each other. So, guess what? We are opening up some slots for a sponsorship. If you've been watching or listening to this podcast and you've been enjoying it as much as we have been enjoying recording it, I would love to invite you to consider sponsoring us. You can reach out to me at consult at phoebraccallmft.com. That's consult at phoebrackle lmft.com. We have a wide range when it comes to our audience, and we would love for our audience to hear about you, your service, or your product. Thank you so much.