Menopause and Making Friends After 50

Is it just us… or is making new friends in your 40s, 50s, and 60s hard?

In this episode of dismissed., we’re talking about something no one really prepares you for: how to build community in midlife — especially when the built‑in structures (school, kids’ activities, carpools) start to fall away.

But first? We address the real crisis:

Perimenopause and menopause sweating.
Sweating Sisters unite!

From workout classes to “leaky club” napkin situations, we kick things off with some very honest midlife humor — because you have to laugh. 

Then we dig into the deeper question:

Why does building community get harder as we get older?

When kids leave for college, when routines shift, when long-time friend groups change — it can leave a real social hole.  If you’re navigating friendship after 40, feeling lonely in midlife, or wondering how to make new friends as an adult — this conversation is for you.

And we want to hear from you.

How are you building community in this season of life?

Let’s talk about it or visit us on socials.

Write to us at: thedismissedpodcast@gmail.com

Transcript

SPEAKER_00 0:03

Hi, I'm Jenny, and I'm Amy, and this is dismissed. We are former stay-at-home moms who quit our careers to raise our only children. Now we've been dismissed from our duties as carpoolers, dance moms, and birthday party throwers. And we're trying to figure out our empty nest lives. Each week, we're having unserious but raw conversations about what is going on with our bodies, minds, and lives. Okay. So let's talk about it.

SPEAKER_01 0:40

Hi.

SPEAKER_00 0:41

Hi. Welcome to Dismissed. Our uh episode is going to be about building community in your 40s, 50s, and 60s, but very difficult thing to do.

SPEAKER_01 0:53

It is. And before we start though, I wanted to tell you why I so I know we've been talking a lot about sweating and stuff like that. Like with perimenopause and menopause. And the other day I had to set up this tour and coffee event for the school I work for. And um I it was the only one setting up that day. So I had to do like pull-up banners, I had to do the tables. And in the meantime, I still after that, I still have to host the actual event. So I get in there early and I'm like, okay, we're good. So as I was setting up, I put I put two blue napkins underneath my armpits because I was like, I'll sweat through this shirt that I had on. I knew I would. So literally I powered through, set everything up, no big deal. And then within the people, then the parents started coming in and stuff like that. And I was like, oh yeah, oh no, I still have blue napkins under my armpits. What do I do? So literally I had to like, I had to like, as everybody was coming in, I like went over to the side where the elephant the elevator is. Like, so I literally went in there, took two soaking wet napkins out, put them in the little wagon, and I went back out and I just toasted away. And I was like, the things that we go through knows women. Joke. And sweating sisters unite.

SPEAKER_00 2:12

Sweating sisters unite.

SPEAKER_01 2:14

I mean, I know you know what what I'm talking about.

SPEAKER_00 2:16

Or are you guys big sweaters too? I've actually been my whole life. It's not just perimenopause and menopause for me.

SPEAKER_01 2:21

Well, I went, I I went, I I remember when I started sweating really bad in my 30s, and I called my mom and I was like, I don't know what's wrong. I'm teaching, because at that point I was teaching. I was teaching and I'm dripping sweat everywhere and pinning out my shirts. And she was like, Amy, you're becoming a woman. In your 30s, becoming a woman. What? You'd already had a kid. That's what happens when you become a woman. And I was like, oh my God. That was her, that was her like rationale for like why I was sweating. So she's the one that calls everything the bottom. You're becoming a woman. So let me know. Amy's mom. But I sweating is it's been an issue my whole life. Well, and here's the thing. I feel like every if you talk to any, speaking about community, you talk to anybody in this community of women that are of that are our age, like they will all tell you that they have there's something going on with their sweating. Yeah. We all talk about it. Some people sweat under their boobs. 100%.

SPEAKER_00 3:18

Some people sweat down there. Yes. Okay. Everywhere. I think actually, this when we were talking about doing this building community episode, I was like. You started sweating?

SPEAKER_01 3:34

Forget this. Let's just throw it about sweating.

SPEAKER_00 3:38

Because I feel like I have building community is really hard.

SPEAKER_01 3:42

I have to do that. I don't think about this a lot. I don't feel like we think about it. Can I feel like we think about it in our minds like we are going to build community? And I feel like we go through like high school and college and after college, and it just automatically falls in your lap. Like through like, you know, high school you have friends and then college, you have friends, and then you leave college and you you have a child, and you have your friends if you get married, and then you have a child and you automatically get this community that is built in, right? But then after that happens, you don't have that. Like that's set that set time, right? That that time that all these people are filing into your life. Like for you know, when my daughter started school when she was three, you just automatically had all of these people in front of you, right?

SPEAKER_00 4:30

And that was your whole social life. You'd go out, it was birthday parties, but it was a social life, totally. Um, yeah, and then they go to college and stuff like that, yeah. And it's like looking for a whole new group. It totally is. And I'm sort of joking, but not joking when I say, okay, well, here's the episode. Here's my community, here's Amy. We are we're a good community. We are, we are sure. We are. I mean, really, what else do you need when you have a true friend? And I I also I have I have a handful of really good friends, and I'm missing that whole group community in a lot of ways. I did write down a couple of things with building community. When I think about building community in my 50s, 40s is probably when I started. Yeah, knowing what you had told me about kid going off to college and how you sort of have a hole, big hole. I was like, I'm gonna prep myself as best I can. And one of the things I do is I play mahjong. Yeah. And I decided Amy and I both belong to a workout club we affectionately call the leaky club because it literally leaks. There are leaks from the ceiling.

SPEAKER_01 5:40

You could name a place in a club and we would tell you, yep, it leaks. Yep. Like that every area of it leaks.

SPEAKER_00 5:47

There are buckets to catch and towels. So leaky club.

SPEAKER_01 5:51

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 5:52

We belong to this sort of sport club. And I was like, I offered to teach mahjong. And I called Amy and said, Do you want, or I texted.

SPEAKER_01 6:01

Yeah, you said you said you wanna yeah, she said you said, Do you want to? Well, you said do you wanna? I'm gonna start this this mahjong. And do you want to come? And I was like, I don't know how to play mahjong. She's like, No, I'm gonna teach you.

SPEAKER_00 6:12

And I was like, Yes. So I went to them, I said, Listen, I want to teach mahjong. You know, I'll do it for free. I wasn't asking for anything because I do not want to be tied down to anybody asking me for anything.

SPEAKER_01 6:24

I get it.

SPEAKER_00 6:25

So that's why I did it for free. And I did want to create community. So I consciously did this. I mean, it turns out we had like, I'm just gonna round it up. It was probably 28, 30 people who came and learned. Yeah. Men, mostly women, some men, mostly women. Yeah. And it has been a lovely thing. Yeah, and it has grown. It's been great. It's grown and grown. And I got to spend more time with you, which was great. Which is fun. Um, so that was one thing I did consciously. I would say um the other thing was I joined pickleball and I started taking lessons. Which is amazing. And normally I would not like take lessons with a bunch of people I don't know.

SPEAKER_01 7:02

Okay.

SPEAKER_00 7:03

But I have to say, because I don't really care as much what people think about me, it was easier for me to do. And I did meet a lovely woman who invited me into her. I'm a sub in her group. Which I love that. Yeah. And then I ended up teaching them Maj. Oh, that's right.

SPEAKER_01 7:16

That's right.

SPEAKER_00 7:17

And they're super nice and supportive. And so that's another little group. Yeah. Which I love that. And then Majjong led me to a neighborhood group too of people who wanted to learn. So Mahjong and pickleball. Yeah, which are two great things. And I feel like I need to um look at my notes to figure out the rest of this.

SPEAKER_01 7:34

Well, I love that you I love that you did um pickleball too, because I am not sporty at all. I do not play sports, but I guess I remember you're like, do you want and I was like, nope, no sports. Um, but you I love that you did that. Like, I think that that's a great way to put yourself out there and reach out.

SPEAKER_00 7:51

I'm really glad too, because it was it opened up a whole different world and just moving in a different way. And yeah, I had to teach myself not to take it so seriously. Like, I'm super competitive, raised by a coach. Um, my dad played minor league ball. So, like that was the mentality. So I'm like, oh, I'm not going for that ball. No, I'm not risking an injury. No, no, and you think differently now too.

SPEAKER_01 8:16

But it's like that, I think that with Mahjong too. Like I went into this, and I'm not a competitive competitive person at all, but I went into this like wanting to learn something new. And it's been fun to like play with people, different people of all different ages, because they are like such a great age range at our mahjong group.

SPEAKER_00 8:33

And um, I feel like I want to I want to just say I love that you brought that up because we have women in our 30s, 40s, 50s, 60s, 70s, and 80s playing mahjong. So we're I love it. You know what? That's the best point out of all of this. We have this multi-generational group of women who are bonding for two hours over Maj, and they do talk about their life and you do learn and you do share.

SPEAKER_01 8:58

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 8:59

Thank you for bringing up the multi-generational.

SPEAKER_01 9:01

But I think that's what it was is like I went into it thinking I'd want to meet people, but I also I wanted to learn the game, but I don't want to have a competitive part of any of this. Like I just want, and I don't care if I win, I don't care if I lose. I get excited for people if they win. And I feel like that that's a good, you know, I feel like that that was a good way to go into it rather than, you know. I'm super competitive. I know. And so I But I think you do a really good job of that.

SPEAKER_00 9:28

And I love Maj from the beginning because I was a newbie being taught by women who had been playing for a million years. Right. When I learned 25 years ago, I was being taught, you know, I I had no skills. So I'm able to sit through mahjong. I am happy when people maj. I don't get in a bad mood when I'm not majing. I might get frustrated a little bit, but no, that's a good yeah, it's a nice place to be. Yeah, for sure. Um, and it is also a nice place to be because you can't think about anything that's bugging you while you're at Maj, because you just have to focus on playing mahjong.

SPEAKER_01 10:03

I remember I saw something um on social media with Julia Roberts. I think I told you this with Julia Roberts, because Julia Roberts, I don't know if you know this, she plays Mahjong. I didn't see that. Welcome. Yeah, welcome. And um, so basically we are like Julia Roberts. Um, but I she said something and it was so true. She said, the reason I love mahjong is because you go into the game and it is social. You're with other people and you talk, but during the time you're playing, you don't think about your grocery list, you don't think about your laundry list of things you have to do, you don't think about anything from work, you don't think about anything at home, you don't think about anything but mahjong. That's right. And to me, I think that that is such a huge break because I I mean, I know you're like me. I'm very type A. So I think about 100 things at once, and I want to get everything done and completed. So it's so nice for two hours to just not think about anything but mahjong. It is, it's the best. It's the best.

SPEAKER_00 10:58

Okay, I agree with you. Yeah. Um, I only have a couple other things on my list. Well, but they're both around the same thing, actually, which is I decided to really focus on, I looked at sort of my friendship consciously, who was in my life, and decided to focus on the people where I was getting positive vibes from them, and it was a two-way friendship. Yeah. Wasn't always like, hey, you want to have coffee? Yeah. Driving the ship, I had felt, and I didn't even realize it, that I was driving the ship with a lot of my friendships and not getting enough in return. And I don't do that anymore. I don't do it.

SPEAKER_01 11:36

Do you feel like that came with like you, like your age, or do you feel like that came with realizations? Because I felt the same way. Like, and it, but it mine was slow, mine has been slow. Like, I feel like I realized, you know, during like my daughter's elementary years, like I had all of you know, a ton of mom friends, and then you all of a sudden realize like, are you the heavy lifter in this mom group or or or these mom friends? And you started to realize who the real friends were in the mom groups. And then the same thing happened with dance people, like with do we because we're dance moms. You started to realize, are you the heavy lifter in that? Like, are you doing things like more so that you're not getting back what you need? And you start to realize that, and then it starts to become more and more like prevalent, like and and you start to really reflect on it. And then so that by the time my daughter went to college, I literally was like I laugh. I'm literally stuck. I have my handful of friends and they're my closest friends, and that's it. And that's I know that's what it's supposed to be like, but coming from a full life of like groups of people, like being, you know, in a group in high school, being in a group in college, like a sorority, and then moving on, like it's so interesting to look back and say, like, okay, these are my people, you know.

SPEAKER_00 12:51

I totally agree. Mine is a handful, maybe a little more from different stages in my life, right? But it's not a group. And I feel like this pickleball, this maj has satisfied the group dynamic. Yeah, for sure. And you get involved to a certain point, but not too much. You have your boundaries now. Yes, yeah.

SPEAKER_01 13:11

I have boundaries now. And I think that that's what you don't learn until you're older, is that we get our we have our boundaries. Like you can dip your toe in and you can mahjong all you want, but if you need a break, you're like, I'm out, I'm not coming, I'm not going this week. Yeah. Or I don't want to do XYZ. You know, like I think that that's what's different, is that we have boundaries. Is a full no is a complete sentence. No is a complete sentence. Nobody tells you that, but it is. It is. It's really still hard to say no. It's still hard. No, it's still so hard, but it's something that now I'm so conscious of. Whereas before I would internally say, okay, I have to say yes to this, I have to say yes. Whereas now I'm like, no. Yeah. Agreed.

SPEAKER_00 13:55

Yep. Well, do you have any other tips for building community or anything we should do? Or should we just PMO it?

SPEAKER_01 14:03

I was gonna say my only other thing is that like with community, don't do anything you don't want to do.

SPEAKER_00 14:10

Yes.

SPEAKER_01 14:11

Like, don't, you know, just do what makes you happy. That's the only thing. And that's the thing that I feel like uh that makes me like the I that's the thing that works the most for me right now. It's just doing what makes you happy.

SPEAKER_00 14:23

Right. Does somebody build you up? Does somebody support you? Do you want to be friends with them? Is it a two-way street? Yeah. For sure.

SPEAKER_01 14:29

Oh, and then those friendships are so nice. Yeah, they're nice because you look forward to it. It's not stressful. You're not doing heavy lifting, they're not doing heavy lifting. You're both bringing something to the table.

SPEAKER_00 14:40

And those are lovely connections. I actually love my setup right now. I love the people who are in my life. I feel like I could tell them anything, and I do. And they could tell me anything or not. Yeah. And I respect their boundaries, they respect mine. And what could be better? Yeah. Same here. Okay.

SPEAKER_01 14:56

So anything PMOing you this week? Oh, you know what? I didn't even think of one, but I can I can talk about it. I can too.

SPEAKER_00 15:02

I'm sure I have a list. Do you we can talk about PMO with the people who just take?

SPEAKER_01 15:08

Yeah, that's talk about PMO with people that just take.

SPEAKER_00 15:11

I um am very done with people who just take from me. I'm not gonna set up your time to meet your coffee, your anything anymore.

SPEAKER_01 15:23

And I feel like I do feel like when we when we were younger moms, it was more like they were taking stuff, not just about setting up coffee or something like that. They were taking stuff like with their kid, like involving their children, like watching their kids or something like that. Like I feel like that's where that kind of played in. And then when as you get a little bit older, it's like the planning of things, like let's do this, let's do this, let's try this, you know. And I feel like when you get to be the heavy to doing it, right, you don't want to do it anymore. You know, that's so true. But PMO's me too. PMO. So many things. Pick up the ball, pick up the ball, pick up the ball, help us out.

SPEAKER_00 16:00

If you want to, if you want to be friends, help. Right. Or if you don't, fine. Yeah, 100%. Whatever. 100%. All right. Well, we hope you guys want to be friends because we want to be friends with you. We do. And we do want to, you know, we want to make this a community, uh, two-way street. So please, if you have any comments about this, if you have a PMO you want to share, because come on, let's be honest. We all have them.

SPEAKER_01 16:21

Oh, share them. We can't wait to oh my God.

SPEAKER_00 16:23

Please do. Or let us know because we would love to hear how you built community. Maybe that could help us build some more community too. Um, you can email us at thedismisspodcast at gmail.com. And you can subscribe. And you can always find us on social media. Feel free to comment. Yep.

SPEAKER_01 16:42

Find us on socials, TikTok, Facebook, Instagram, and YouTube at the Dismiss Podcast.

SPEAKER_00 16:48

Um, yeah, that's it. We can't wait to hear from you. Please, please, please communicate with us. And also we want to thank our amazing producer, Josh. Josh, Josh. We love our producer. We love Josh. And we love the genius that created our music. Nell Balaban. Amazing. Creative genius. Thank you, you two. We couldn't do this without you.

SPEAKER_01 17:10

No, you guys are both amazing. Thank you. And for now, you're dismissed. You're dismissed. The best part of building this community is connecting and engaging with you, the listeners and viewers. We want this to be a conversation. So please, we want to hear from you. You can reach us on all the socials at the dismiss podcast on Instagram, Facebook, TikTok, or YouTube. If you want to email us, send it to thedismisspodcast at gmail.com. We hope to hear from you at your dismiss.