Messy as Hell
Real women. Real talk. Real life is messy as hell.
We’re everyday women having honest conversations about the uncomfortable, complicated, heartbreaking, and downright messy parts of life—the things we sometimes hide in our effort to look like we have it all figured out.
We’re not experts, and we’re not here to give you advice or tell you how to fix your life. We’re just here to talk about it—the good, the bad, and the gloriously messy—and remind each other that maybe we don’t have to have it all figured out.
Messy as Hell
Questionable Parenting Decisions
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We all have them—the parenting choices we probably wouldn’t brag about at school pickup.
In this episode, we’re talking about our questionable parenting decisions—the shortcuts, compromises, bribes, and survival tactics that might earn us a little side-eye from someone on the outside.
Because parenting in theory and parenting in real life are two very different things.
Sometimes keeping the peace matters more than following the imaginary parenting rulebook. Sometimes you choose the battle you actually have the energy to fight. And sometimes the thing that makes absolutely no sense to anyone else is exactly what your family needs to have a good day.
We’re all figuring this out as we go. So consider this episode a judgment-free zone for the imperfect, occasionally questionable, and very human decisions we make while raising our kids.
Because sometimes good parenting is just doing what you have to do to get everyone to bedtime happy.
All right. Well, we head back to school. You want to tell me how first days of school and drop-offs went for everyone? Uh yeah. Which ones do you want to hear about?
SPEAKER_02Let's hear about the big boys. Let's talk about the high school students. Well, that was interesting. I don't know why they start schools on Thursdays. I know it's so dumb. But it was interesting this year, you know, you like you pull up in the pull-up line and drop off. But this year I'm dropping off one kid with, you know, he's got a cast on because he, you know, broke his legs. He's got like a scooter, and the other one's got like a boot on because of, you know, his toe. That was a whole thing. It's a summer injury coming into fall school year. Sure. And so I have to park and everyone's kind of like waiting. And there's one honk that comes in and they don't realize I'm like having to get a kid out.
SPEAKER_00Yeah. Yeah. With the scooter. I mean, it's not even just that you have one kid that's injured.
SPEAKER_02It's that both the boys are getting dropped off with some sort of accommodation required. There's an appendage that was cut off. You know, there's there's a lot this summer.
SPEAKER_00So Yeah, they did some hard living this summer, you know. They definitely left it all out there. They did. Well, you know what? That sounds very much on par for the show. It sounds like your first week of school and your first drop-offs were a little bit messy. Yeah. And that's okay because you've come to the right place. Yeah. You're in messy as hell. Let's go ahead and get into the show. Yeah. Welcome to messy as hell with Krista and Kim. No filters, no fixes, just real life. Welcome to Messy as Hell. I'm Krista. I'm Kim Ruly. We've been getting ourselves in the flow of getting kids back to school. You know, we're getting into the fall season and it's just a lot. We've got a lot going on. You probably have a lot going on. Should we start with our messy moments? Sure. And just kick it off with some of those highlights or maybe lowlights from the week. Yeah, absolutely. All right. I think you're up this time.
SPEAKER_02Let's have you go first. No, yeah. This is gonna tie back to school. Again, find this wild, but it's the second day of school. So it's Friday and they give kids homework. So one of my kids, you know, our dining room table is not really meant for eating in our house except for Sundays. It's kind of how we roll.
SPEAKER_00Or half of his ours is for eating, the other half is just junk collection.
SPEAKER_02Exactly. Exactly. You know, so he was doing his homework on a Friday and left it there instead of putting it back in his backpack. As children do, Sunday dinner came along, and I am notorious for grabbing shit that's lying around and just throwing it away. And so my daughter had been doing crafts on the table over the weekend, and I just grabbed all the things and I tossed them that looked like they were arts and crafts. And Monday morning rolled around and it's 8 05, and we're half to run out the door. And he's like, wait, I forgot my science project that I drew on the table. Like, where is it? And my mind, I'm like, oh, what he's describing. I think Was it her scribbles? I think that was in the trash. I have I have not admitted this to anyone in my house, by the way. So someday if they listen to this over. It might come out, the truth might come out. But I did look and I could not find it. I went through my trash bins, which was so disgusting on so many levels. Um, but I could not find it. So then I had to drop him off. He was so mad, he gets very stressed, has anxiety. And then I had to email the teacher. Thankfully, the teacher gave the whole class until Friday.
SPEAKER_00But oh, that's good. So he has time to redo it.
SPEAKER_01Then he does, but I totally lied to the teacher. And I was just like, by the way, he left in the car. I don't have time to come back. Oh, hey, well, you know what?
SPEAKER_00Sometimes you gotta cover that. That was my name. Do what you gotta do. Yeah. You know what? That I mean, that's definitely messy. And it is, right? These messy moments, they're not isolated to work, they're not isolated to relationships, they are in every facet of our lives. I mean, my messy moment also involves my children. It was definitely one of my lower moments. And it's just one of those things that as a parent, I unfortunately come back to of just failing my kids and then feeling really bad about it. So we were in a situation where, you know, it's the end of the summer, school's about to start. Like you mentioned, though, we start on a Thursday. So we've got the whole first half of the week home with no activities planned. But I am trying to come up with fun things to do. You know, I'm taking them to the aquarium, we're going and doing different activities. So I'm trying to keep them busy, but they've just reached the end of their ropes with each other and they're starting to get to that place where they're irritable and they're fighting. And then, of course, that makes me irritable and makes me fight. So we had this moment where we had just taken the dog for a walk, then we came home and had a little bit of relaxing time at home. And then I was like, okay, we're gonna go out and do an activity. I'm just gonna run up and use the bathroom and grab my sweater and then we're gonna go. Big mistake, apparently. I left them in the living room by themselves. So I went up to use the bathroom for literally one minute. As soon as I sit on the toilet, I can already hear them fighting. I can hear one of them, stop it. No, you stop it. We can both be here. No, we can't. And I'm like, you guys, I am literally on the toilet. I cannot jump off. I just need to pee. And so I'm like listening, waiting to see if it's gonna escalate, you know, waiting to see if they're gonna figure it out. Yeah. I mean, of course they don't figure it out. So I like pull my pants up, wash my hands, and I'm like, okay, whatever, I've got to go down there and deal with this. But by the time I get there, which mind you has only been like 30 seconds since this started, by the time I get there, they are standing on either end of the couch, like trying to chase each other to hit each other. And they're like, he hit me. No, but she hit me first. And I'm like, you guys, everyone to your room, please, like hard reset. And that's kind of what I do. I just send them to their room, give them space. But then, of course, as they're both making their way down the hallway, they take the opportunity to like tease each other, push each other into the wall. And that's really where my rope broke, you know. I was like doing okay, but mostly cool, until they have to get those last-minute digs in. They would have just listened and gone to their room so that I could come to each of them and talk to them. It would have been okay. And I would have kept my cool, but it was just this moment of defiance where they're like, oh, well, I'm gonna get one more jab in before I get to my room. And so then I went into their rooms and I just laid into them. I yelled at both of them. I was just like, What is wrong with you? Why are you ruining this day off that we have together? Like, why do you have to do this? Why are you this way? You know, of course, they're kids. They're like, I don't know why I'm this way. I don't know why I do this. And so by the time we're done, they're both crying. I've slammed a couple of doors. I've just, you know, been unnecessarily harsh. It's hard here in the moment, though. It's so hard. And it sucks because, like we've said before, it's the same thing over and over again. Yeah. How many times have I told them, don't fight? How many times have I told them I will be gone for one minute? Stay in separate corners. It just sucks. Because those are like those moments where you just feel so guilty as a parent because you're like, well, damn, I let my temper get away from me.
SPEAKER_02I don't know if it's the same for you and maybe other people out there. It's especially triggering for me when I'm very particular in it's because this I don't know what it is with the universe, but it always happens in these moments where I'm like, I have to make a call. I need you to be quiet. There's a call coming in. I need to pee. It happens all the time when I need to pee for some reason. Yes. Or I'm getting dressed. Please give me a moment. Yeah. It's always the moments where you are very specific about asking.
SPEAKER_00Yes.
SPEAKER_02Because you need something very specific. And then it's like, fuck you. Boom. And it's I'm just gonna blow this shit up. Exactly. And I'm like, why? Why? Literally just two minutes. All I need was two minutes, but you just chose it's a very or like, or they'll fight over the remote when I'm peeing. I'm like, this is a TV show. Why? Who wants to watch what YouTube?
SPEAKER_00Who the hell cares? Yes. Well, and it's like, why can't I pee? It is literally like two minutes of walking up the stairs, washing my hands, using the bathroom. I just don't understand why all hell has to break loose in this like one instant. And as I told him, I was like, listen, my resolution for this today is that you don't get to have freedom and be in the living room if I have to go use the bathroom. From now on, anytime I go use the bathroom, you're gonna go to your rooms. You're just gonna have to go hang out in your room until I'm done because I can't handle this. It's stressful to me. It's stressful to you. Look, you're both crying. No one's happy now. It's just yes. So anyway, you can be alone together. Parenting is very messy, and sometimes you just experience some of your lowest of lows and trying to manage children and yourself. It's hard.
SPEAKER_02This is where you got to give yourself grace. And then I think the difference between, I think what I've noticed in our generation, our parents is apologizing. Yes, right. It's the difference.
SPEAKER_00Well, and very much so. And I mean, I did definitely, I closed the loop. I went, I left them in their rooms, I walked down the hallway, I took a couple deep breaths, I like hugged the dog because he's so sweet. And then I went back in and I apologized. And I was like, I am so sorry I yelled at you. I am so sorry that I made you feel so bad. We then had the opportunity to talk about why fighting is not okay. And yeah, I mean, so I do always try and close the loop and apologize at times. It's just like, man, I wish I could sometimes control my temper a little bit more so that I didn't have to apologize. I wish that I could have just approached this so coolly and level-headedly, you know, and just like very calmly express to everyone why this is problematic. Yeah. But, you know, that's not always real life. Yeah. And that's why we're here because real life is messy and sometimes you need a space to talk about it and to get it out and to just really highlight the hard moments of life and have someone to commiserate with in that and say, like, I see you. Yeah, I have been there. It sucks. Let's just take a deep breath together and move on. Yeah. But since we are talking about parenting and both of us actually had kind of parenting stories today, let's move into our topic. Today we're gonna try and do something a little bit lighter. We know that life is really heavy. We know that there's a lot of heavy topics and heavy things in women's lives. But today we're gonna talk about questionable parenting decisions or just moments where you make a decision to get by, to keep the peace, to make space for yourself. And maybe if someone else heard what you did or heard this, you know, approach that you took, they might like scratch their head and think like, okay, that's questionable.
SPEAKER_02But oh, I've had that happen. Yes, absolutely.
SPEAKER_00Yeah. And so this came to mind for me. I was at a child's birthday party recently. We have kids, so I spend a lot of time on weekends at children's birthday parties. But I was at this party and the mom had bought this huge sheet cake, and it was decorated with really brightly colored frosting flowers. And the little birthday girl saw this gigantic flower that was in the middle of the cake, and she was like, I want that for my piece of cake. And the mom was like, sure, honey, like I'll cut you a slice that has that flower in it. And the little girl was like, No, I don't want a slice of the flower. I want the whole flower. So let me tell you, this flower was like the size of a plate. And the mom's like, uh, no, that's way too big. That's a gigantic piece. And the little girl's like, but it's my birthday, and I want that whole flower. And so, you know, the mom, you can just see her kind of trying to figure out what to do in real time. She's looking around. There's all these little kids at the table eager to get their slice of cake. There's all the parents standing around watching because we've all just sung happy birthday. And she goes for it. She takes the knife, she cuts this huge square around the flower, and then she serves up this gigantic square of cake that literally takes up the whole plate, and she hands it to the child and she looks at all of us parents and she's like, Okay, I know, not my finest parenting moment. And everyone's just kind of quiet. And I was like, This poor woman. So I broke the silence and I was like, hey, girl, I have been known to pay my children to give me 20 minutes of silence. So we are all guilty of the questionable parenting decisions. Yeah. And you know what? Those are still the best $5 I ever spent.
SPEAKER_02Well, you know what's interesting about that is, I mean, like I said, I have that's a huge portion of how I live my life. But those how much will it cost? Right. Well, those 20 minutes actually helped me like go from like I am like about to spill over to like come down, and then I'm actually a better version of myself. Yes. So actually, I mean, there's something to be said, you know.
SPEAKER_00Right, exactly. Five dollars to prevent my children from the trauma of me yelling at them. Yeah, that sounds like well worth it. Yeah, there have been times where I'm like, I am just so tired in this moment and I just need quiet. I I can't get a babysitter to come over here right now. Your dad's at work, Grammy's at work. Tell you what, I'll give you five bucks each if you go to your room, keep yourselves quiet, read a book for the next 30 minutes. And then exactly, then you come back, you're so peaceful, you're so much more centered. Is that questionable? I actually think that sounds like great parenting when I say it.
SPEAKER_02I mean, you well, so this goes back to like if you hear it without context, then you're like, oh, you scratch your head, right? But then you hear the context, you're like, actually, you know. No, you're exactly right. If I had just said, yeah, I pay my kids five bucks to go to their rooms, you're like, okay, that's that's weird. Go shut up for a minute. I need I need a minute, right? Exactly. I had the same thing happen at school with one of the fellow moms. I was in the car at pickup, and she heard that I pay my kids to read. Oh, like a substantial mark. I give them a hundred bucks a book.
SPEAKER_00Oh, wow. It's a lot, it's substantial. Damn. And she can I like start adding up some of my experiences.
SPEAKER_01Can I send you the list of what I read this one legitimately?
SPEAKER_02And she just looked at me and she gave and she was really taken aback. I mean, I've got four kids, right? So this is it's you're making an investment. But keep keep in mind, I don't buy my kids. I mean, I'll buy them school stuff, yeah, you know, and clothes or whatever, but I don't buy my kids a single thing. They have to earn everything. I'm not the parent, but that's not how I roll. So their e-bikes, their tours. They're earnings. This is how they so and this is just one of the many ways they have to do manual labor and tours and all I say manual labor, I don't mean.
SPEAKER_00You know, I've seen how they clean up the yards or how they help clean the chores and things like that.
SPEAKER_02Anyways, let me go back to the stories. So we're we're there, and I just like look, I'm like, this is let me give you some context to this, you know. I'm like, I really want to encourage my kids to learn and read. And so these are books that I've listened to that have really shaped my life and made a big difference. So they're cherry-picked by me. Yes. So I make them listen to them, but then they have to give me a written report of what they've learned, and then they give me a list of 10 items that like they really specifically felt like were, you know, stood out to them. I actually love that. So it's not like this is just read this book. Yeah. Because then I just I could give them a hundred bucks and it's nothing, right? I can't. How do I there's no lesson or value in it? There's no lesson or value. And they could, of course, chat GPT anything, but these are very like I can tell by this report. One, how it was written if it was them or not, because I know each of my children, but two, what stood out to them, because again, I know their nature, I know who they are, I know what would stick out to them, what they wouldn't, because these are books that I've read. Yeah. So for me, I'd much rather, you know, raise a child that likes to read. And possibly this would turn into something where they, you know, I'm paying them to read, they like to earn money, but possibly turns into them liking to read. But then they're also learning concepts and listening to good things versus nothing.
SPEAKER_00Yeah. It's a little bit of kind of like reverse psychology. I'm gonna get you to see something that's good for you, but I'm gonna make you think it's great for your other endeavors, you know. Exactly. I mean, I will say also a lot of parenting is sometimes just trying to see like how can we get by in a way that's peaceful, that's happy, that's as non-chaotic and non-traumatic as possible, you know? And so I do feel like sometimes some of these decisions we make are just like, hey, we're just trying to do our best here. And sometimes that might involve mild bribery, or I mean, as I like to say it, like they're earning. I and I I always frame it as like, hey, would you like to earn some money? How about you go do this for me to allow me the space to do this, you know? And then they get super motivated. They're always like, Can I have a job?
SPEAKER_02Yeah. Well, what's so funny about that book situation, which was also a side benefit that I didn't even realize would happen, yeah, is they'll put headphones on and listen to the books because I I let them do audio. So unexpected quiet now. So yes, so you get this added layer of, and then they'll stand there and do the dishes or unload the dishwasher. So there's all these things that have come into it. I'm like, oh yeah, I gotta get you another book. Christian came to me because he wants to do, you know, get some things. He's like, Mom, I need a new book so that I can yes, I will find you a book.
SPEAKER_00And then it's good because it's encouraging you to always be reading and learning more things that you can have things to pass off to actually, you know what? I like this. I actually might tuck this one away for later for when they're ready for some of these books. Yeah. So yeah, so some of our parenting decisions, we are for the greater good, right? We'll say it's for the greater. It's other ones, though, I do feel like some of our other questionable parenting decisions, like sometimes they are more just like for entertainment value. I'll give you an example. So, our family, we do family movie night and we take turns like rotating through the different movies that we watch. And it's it was my kids' idea. They actually really love it because then they look forward to like, when is it my movie night turn? Whose turn is next? And they look forward both to the time that we spend together as a family, they look forward to getting to have their own movie choice that they're gonna share with their family, and they look forward to the movies that other members of their family are sharing so that we all get to see new and different things. You know what's funny? So we, my husband and I, we are are very gracious, we watch lots of children's movies, and a lot of the time we enjoy them, right? But you can only watch Coraline so many times. So then when it comes to like our movie turns, sometimes we're like, yeah, let's choose something like a little bit different, a little bit more fun. And we are in this space, we're millennials, we're 90s kids, so we love all of these old, like 90s movies. And we're like, oh, I would just love to share these with the kids, but like they're not quite old enough yet. Like this might not be age appropriate, but then we kind of write it off in our mind of like, but this is family time and we'll watch it together as a family, and then we can talk about it. The kids really wanted to go to Universal Studios for their birthday this summer. Yeah. So we took them over the summer and we did the studio tour, which involves the Jaws scene and you get to see the Jaws shark. And my husband was like, I really want to watch Jaws with the kids. I haven't seen it in forever. Like, let's watch it for a family movie night. And I was like, I don't know. I feel that this is necessary like appropriate for our eight-year-old. And he was like, No, no, no, we'll do it as a family and we'll be right there with her and we'll watch it with her. And I'm like, okay, I have questions about this, but I'm just gonna go with you on this. And so we watched it with them. My son was totally into it, he loved it. I don't know when the last time you saw Ja was was, if ever, but there is definitely some like dismemberment by the shark.
SPEAKER_01Is she still sleeping in your bed? Well, oh yeah, definitely.
SPEAKER_00And then there was like, you know, a whole scene where there's like a human leg just like floating in the ocean. And so, like two weeks later, there's my daughter, Daddy. I had a nightmare last night about limbs. There were limbs floating in the ocean. I just look at him and I'm like, see, I told you this was such a questionable decision. And he just kind of like blushes and like gets that little look on his face.
SPEAKER_02Like, well, I'm sorry. That's so funny that you say this because you know, I grew up in a house where we never watched TV. And when we did very special occasions, maybe on like the weekend, it was never on during the week. Yeah. And my husband's family is very different, it was always on. It's like the living room was where the family gathered, right? So it'd be like a it's like a like a how a family comes together kind of thing. So when we got married, it was on a lot, and I kept being like, No, I need this off. I don't like this too much for me. And so we found like a balance, but it definitely comes on almost every evening during the week. It kind of drives me nuts. But when the kids were smaller, and some of them weren't even in school yet, he was like, I want to show the kids The Simpsons.
SPEAKER_00Oh, I grew up on The Simpsons.
SPEAKER_02Has he shown it to them? Oh, Christian was I think eight. So Connor was seven. Yeah. Then then we had then we had like, you know, what it was that's like six and then they started repeating things. And if you've watched The Simpsons, there's so much mature content. Oh, yes.
SPEAKER_00I mean, hey, I learned a lot from The Simpsons. Full disclosure, I was raised by The Simpsons. My brother and I were probably eight and ten with our VHS tapes recording The Simpsons when they came on. Yeah. That is okay. That's hilarious. Well, actually, so funny that you bring up The Simpsons because my kids have been dying to watch it, and I am low-key dying to share it with them because I love The Simpsons and it is hilarious. The humor, especially in the early seasons, is really spot on. Yeah. But I won't let them watch it yet. But I did make the mistake of letting them listen to some of the original soundtracks because I don't know if you've ever noticed, but a lot of the episodes they write original songs for it. And so we've listened to the soundtrack for this hilarious episode that's a play on Mary Poppins. It's Sherry Boppin who comes in as a nanny. And, you know, in Mary Poppins, so there's the scene where there's like the woman like feeding the birds, you know, and she's that's the whole song she sings. So in Sherry Bobbins in the Simpsons version, she sings about Barney the booze hound. And there's this like lyric where it's like, can I be a booze hound? Not till you're 15. And so my kids think that that line is hilarious.
SPEAKER_01But you guys probably laugh about it together, right?
SPEAKER_00You know, they're like, Can I be a booze hound? And I'm like, oh my gosh, please don't ever repeat that in front of anyone.
SPEAKER_02They're gonna think that I have terrible judgment. Well, that's that's what was so funny, is Nate was actually right because then the kids would start saying the jokes together and we were laughing together as a family. Like there's this whole like, who loves the cookie mart? And it's like I do kind of thing, something like that. But the kids used to say it all the time, and then our sweet little girl would say it in her tiny little voice. Yes. And it was like the cutest thing in Same with our, anyways, it was the cutest thing, but it actually really did. And so people would bonding, right? People would definitely be like, Your kids are watching what at their ages, but then I well, you know what?
SPEAKER_00Okay, so my husband has been like that. It's so funny, right? Because that's where he draws the line. He's like, Lord of the Rings, no problem. Jaws, no problem. Draw the park, gets and gore, you know, green light, Simpson's hard line, no. And I'm like, okay, I guess I get it. It's a little bit more crass. Yeah. But yeah, now I might use this to make a point.
SPEAKER_01Some of these kids have been watching it since they were definitely some fast forward moments where I was like, mm, this is the red light district. Let's like that's Hilarious.
SPEAKER_00My teacher, my English teacher would have called that the naughty bits board. He would show us like literature movies in class. And anytime there was a naughty bit, he'd pull up his cardboard and cover the television and be like, this is my naughty bit board.
SPEAKER_02Yeah, this is a fast forward moment. No, it is good.
SPEAKER_00Yeah. No, but you know what? That's so funny. I totally see his point though, because your husband, like me, is a millennial, and he probably grew up watching The Simpsons too. And so it's funny because a lot of your humor is shaped by it. And so you have these ideas of like, I want to share these things with my kids. And it's it's funny. I'm sure you've heard the same, but it's the years are fast, but the days are long. And it's time really does fly so fast. But sometimes in the day-to-day, it feels like, oh, this is going kind of slow. And so sometimes I'm like, oh, I want to share these things with the kids, but they're not there yet. Yeah. But they're going to get there soon. So they will be.
SPEAKER_02My kids driving me to school in the morning, and then I got to switch who's driving. It's a wild place to be. So I don't get there.
SPEAKER_00I cannot quite imagine, but we're going to be there really soon. Yeah. I mean, I was just looking at pictures of my boy and I'm like, how are you so grown up? You're as tall as me, you know. He can wear the same size shoes as me. Oh, yeah. I know.
SPEAKER_02He will fully pass me up by the time he's 12. It's wild.
SPEAKER_00Yeah.
SPEAKER_02No, he drives me to school. And then this morning, but you know the how your phone gives you like the photo updates from however long it's like an eight-year ago photo.
SPEAKER_00Uh-huh. Like the time hops. Yes. Yeah. Yes. Oh, well, you know, it's so funny. As we were, I was thinking about this topic of like questionable parenting decisions. And I was thinking, what are some of the things that would have people give me like the side eye? You know? And it's funny. We, this is probably not really that big of a deal at all, but we sent our kids to a Christian preschool. And their teacher was super sweet, but a little bit older and very conservative. And so when my son was there at like two and a half, he we've always really enjoyed like listening to music with him and playing stuff for him. And we had him listening to The Nightmare Before Christmas. He loved that album. And it's really fun. I mean, Danny Elfman did a great job. So we would listen to that with him and he memorized all the words. And I remember we'd be walking him into preschool. And here's this like two and a half year old repeating some of the lines. And he's like, And since I am dead, I can take off my head and recite Shakespearean quotations. And I'm like, this poor teacher is probably like, why isn't this little boy memorizing his memory verses that I'm sending home with him that have two words in them? But here's coming in singing about like dead corpses and I, Jack, the pumpkin king. I was like, well, we definitely, yeah, we're just whatever. You know, we're just living life, we're having fun, we're letting the kids have fun. And sometimes they repeat things that might make you feel a little embarrassed.
SPEAKER_02It's what gets you by. I think, you know, that's really in the moment, you know, whether it's like I'm peeing, here's a show, right? Yes. It's it's whatever's gonna get you by. Because to your point, like the days are long and the years are very short. But those days that are long, you know, if you're, you know, sometimes you got to work to 11 p.m. or whatever it is, you know, but you also are balancing the kids in that stress level so high. You know, you've got bills to pay and all of the things in between. It's school starting, and I did an Instacart order the other day, and the Instacart person's like, oh, they're out of this supply, and it's all for school, it's all school supplies. And I'm like, they're sending me pictures and there's nothing in there. I'm like, Whoa, yes, I should have done this sooner.
SPEAKER_00That's exactly. I took the kids to shop, like I guess way too late because literally the aisles are empty. And I was like, what the hell was I thinking? I was so behind.
SPEAKER_02They talk about a parent fail up. Yes. And it did, I did Amazon a decent amount, which is another total parent hack and make it.
SPEAKER_00It was such a lifesaver. I so I head to Amazon overnight, so much stuff because I was like, oh, I clearly did not get that taken care of in time. Yeah. Yeah.
SPEAKER_02So, anyways, it's I don't even know where I was going with that thought.
SPEAKER_00But well, no, just that the days are so long and that sometimes you just have to get through the day. And so sometimes you will find, I'm gonna call them strategies. I'm not gonna call them questionable parenting decisions, I'm gonna call them strategies. Sometimes you find something that works for you and your family and that works for your kids, and it actually helps make the days manageable and it helps make the days more positive. Oh, totally. And ultimately, like that's the goal.
SPEAKER_02Well, also we're trying to have good days. Okay, just the thought, like this even brings up other things that it's so embarrassing that I've done, but it's just to stop like the the tantrums that I know will come or like the disappointment. Trying to keep the peace. Going into the store and you know, one of my kids saying, you know, we're at Target. Can I get this? Um, no, no, no, finally. Okay, just shut up, put in the cards. Yes. Or we're they love those kinder aches, and I always tell them no. And then we go to the checkout, please, mom. Okay, whatever, put it in. Yeah. You know, there's such a sense of mom guilt associated when you work that I feel like you make up with it financially. At least that's why I I mean, I everything in my life is monetary, unfortunately. I think it's pretty common though. I mean, I think this is a really common experience. Yeah. Yeah. There's a lot of things where it's, oh, I I messed up on this. Like, let me let me make up with let's move this over.
SPEAKER_00Yeah. You know, I think the important takeaway is that your kids know that they're loved and that they know that everything that you're doing, you're doing it to try and keep them safe, keep them happy, you know, have a happy home. And honestly, I think that a lot of these things that I do, it is because we don't have day-to-day help. It is because we don't have a nanny. And, you know, especially like during the summer or on days when my husband works these long stretches, because, you know, sometimes he'll work between four and six nights in a row. And it's like, it's me and the kids for hours on end, sometimes a lot of time out of the house so that he can sleep. And if I didn't employ some of these strategies, I would be yelling at my kids a lot more. And just like, and as I'm thinking about how bad I felt earlier in the week when I had that moment where I lost my temper and I yelled at them, that feels terrible. And that feels bad for all of us. You know, so I would, I mean, honestly, I would pay all the money to try and avoid that, to be able to just have a happy day and have a day that is peaceful, where no one's crying, no one's yelling, where we can exist together happily.
SPEAKER_02So funny that you say that. So this is definitely one of those moments, definitely questionable, but also it was a huge parent fail when my kids were smaller. I have a child that the words that come out of his mouth are a little too not good for his age. And he's always been that since he was little. And so, you know, we're we're all trying to break cycles, right? And the only thing I could result to when he was small was the maybe the bar of soap method would work. It was very stupid, but it I was I was so at the end of that like that rope, you know, like you're talking about. And so I put that bar of soap in his mouth and just the look on his eyes, it like immediately took it back out. I was like, Oh, that was horrible, right? Yeah, but my kids just were laughing about it the other day because they were telling me all these stories about their friends' parents, and they were like, You guys are actually really awesome. Like you guys don't like because we don't we actually don't do like my kids rarely ever have been like sent to their room, right? It's just like a we we will say, go take a minute and calm down when you're ready. Yes, but we don't do like punishments, like we we do conversations in our house and like we work through things, anyways. Long story short, we're having that conversation talking through things. And my son Christian said, you know, you've only yelled a few times. We've only really heard you raise your voice a few times. He's like, and the funny thing is, he said, that isn't even what's not scary, but he said, What you know makes me like sad or anything. He said, I feel bad when I I know I've disappointed you and you've like you've expressed that. And I thought that was so interesting because it doesn't have to be this whole like intense, you know what I mean? I was like, oh, for him to express that to me. Like it made me feel like, oh, like I know Yeah, they're actually pretty perceptive. Yeah.
SPEAKER_00And that actually kind of gives you some insight to like, wow, they are catching more than they let on. Yeah. Yeah. And they're understanding more that they can understand the deep disappointment that something causes you versus like anger, you know, or frustration.
SPEAKER_02For sure. Yeah. So it's like a it was a good reminder to, you know, try to keep the calm and be more communicative in terms of like, hey, this was not okay and this bothered me, and you know, you know, your behavior, whatever the situation is. Yeah, that's that's goals.
SPEAKER_00I definitely have goals on that. I will say I'm Latina. I was raised by a Latina family, my family, at least my generation. There was a lot of vocalization, there was a lot of yelling. And it was like very commonplace and very normal. And so that's been like a really hard habit to break, and something that I've really worked on in counseling is like separate yourself, go take 30 seconds, go get a couple of deep breaths in, and then like approach the kids, you know? And that's one of the reasons where I will say that I do try and use like their bedrooms, or I'll send them outside for a minute, right? I'm like hard reset, go outside for a minute, you go take your space from her, from me. Let's the three of us each have space and just breathe away from each other where we're not gonna get angry with each other. And that's something I definitely need to and I'm trying to employ more because I do feel like if we can all just get space from each other, then we can calm down. We can all regulate ourselves and our emotions. And then, like when we talk and approach each other, then it's like so much more in love and much more peaceful.
SPEAKER_02Yeah. Yeah, no, I agree with that because the house that I grew up in was very, I call it violent, it was very abusive, right? It was the belt, it was like whatever they could grab, and it was all of us, and it was free, it was a stupid abusive. Like we had the police at our house multiple times and it was like on all levels. So when I grew up, I knew I would never want to be that parent, right? But the irony is is when you start parenting, it's like an instant reaction because that's like what you think. It's ingrained, it's ingrained in such a big level. But when it comes that you like you instantly, like it's like this like revolt feeling where you're like, all right, I want to do this, but I don't want to do this. And so it took me a few years to be like, this is so I would when I would get upset, it wasn't my kids, I would remove myself from the situation to calm myself down because I was like, why do I have this feeling? And I knew it wasn't me, it was just like this trained, you know what I mean, reaction.
SPEAKER_00Yeah, no, it's terrible. It's really hard to break cycles of the past. I am grateful that my life is smoother and better than like my parents was able to be. I am so hopeful that with the tools I've learned, I can help impart some of that to my children so that they can have an even happier and healthier life. Yeah. I am just hoping for some generational change. And I know that it has to start somewhere and it does have to start with me. It's hard, it's really challenging, but it's tough. Like, I just want to show up and be the best parent that I can for my kids. I feel like that is my deepest wish always is I want to be a good parent to my kids. I want them to know that they are loved. Yeah. I want them to know that they are safe, and I want them to know that that's not conditional.
SPEAKER_02Yeah. Have you ever talked to them about your childhood? My kids know I don't have a relationship with my family, and my kids know why, and they know things of my childhood. And that was actually part of the communication we had with that, you know, soap story and everything and the other kids' parents and things. And they know how different we are, and that we are like, I've never put a hand on my kid, like ever. And so that they know that it's very different. And so for them, and they hear friends' stories, especially as they've gotten older. And so there's a sense of deep gratitude for how we do things in our house, despite the fact that they're kids and they get frustrated with us and everything else. But I think that employs a level of gratitude for the way that we parent and things like that. The patience for sure, and like the ability to do it. I mean, I've been doing it for 16 years, so it's definitely every year you get better as a parent, right? Like Christian got the worst version of me as a parent, and then my daughter's getting the best version of me because you get better. But I definitely think talking to them about what you experienced as a child, how you're trying to change that is so helpful because it really has changed that.
SPEAKER_00That's a really interesting point. Because I also like my husband knows that, right? Obviously, he and I have talked about it extensively. He knows what my childhood was like and why I have learned, unfortunately, some of these bad habits. Yeah. But that is interesting. I've never talked to my kids about it. I mean, I have told them in the past, like, hey, I got spanked. We're very fortunate that your mom and dad are very careful and we don't spank you. Like, that's not what we do. But beyond that, I haven't really had a real conversation with them. And they are old enough now where they could totally understand something like that or at least start to grasp it, you know, as we talk about it. So that's an interesting point. Well, maybe we start to wrap up. Yeah. I think the moral of the story today is that parenting is hard. And sometimes you have to do what you can to get by. And it's okay to talk about it. It's okay to normalize it. We are all out there just doing the best that we can. And let's try and cast a little less shade on other parents and instead just let them know, hey, I've done some of this too, you know, or hey, that that's an interesting approach. Maybe I'll talk about it in my tell me more. Yeah, maybe I'll talk that in my back pocket for next time.
SPEAKER_02Exactly. Or don't be afraid to be there for someone who is going through it, right? Because it's hard.
SPEAKER_00Exactly. And make space for them to like talk about it and talk about how fucking hard being a parent can be. Honestly, it is the hardest thing I've ever done in my life. And it's like make the space for people to be able to say that. Yeah. And just express that it's hard that we don't all have it figured out. And that's exactly because we don't have it figured out. We are learning as we go along.
SPEAKER_02And like you said, I think just one note on that, because it just triggered something.
SPEAKER_00Yeah.
SPEAKER_02You know, there are kids, like kids put on their best show typically for everybody else, and then they put on their worst for the family at home. So you never know. So everyone always sees like the great, never, oh, your kid's so lovely. It's so great, school, family, whatever. But at home, the parents always take the brunt and then you're already worn out. And so I think that's where that really comes in, where you commiserate, you share, you know, whatever that is. I think that's really where it helps because people don't know that bratty, nasty, you know, kid at home that comes out because it does.
SPEAKER_00They don't know what we're all actually dealing with. Yeah. Yeah. And it's nice to sometimes know that it's reassuring to know, like, wow, I'm not the only one going through this. Or other parents struggle, or other parents lose their cool, or other parents pay their kids to give them a little bit of quiet because they know that they need it. So we hope that you'll come back next week. And in the meantime, like and subscribe, leave us a review and let us know what you're thinking and what we can add to this podcast to, you know, make it better for you. Yeah. Thanks for listening. Bye. Thanks for listening to Messy as Hell. Until next time, stay messy.