Stop Being So Accommodating (Here's Why)

In this episode, I’m talking about a shift I’ve been making recently:
 I’ve stopped being so accommodating.

For a long time, I operated from a place of putting other people’s needs first—making things easier for them, anticipating what they might want, and adjusting myself to keep everything running smoothly.

But over time, I realized that this pattern wasn’t actually serving me—or the people around me.

It was keeping me disconnected from what I wanted, making me responsible for everyone else’s experience, and creating frustration that I wasn’t expressing out loud.

In this episode, I share:
 – what over-accommodating really looks like (and how subtle it can be) 
 – how this pattern shows up in work, relationships, and even small daily decisions
 – the connection between people-pleasing and losing your voice
 – why not communicating your needs leads to more problems—not fewer
 – and how I’ve been practicing actually saying what I want (even when it feels uncomfortable)

I also talk about how this connects to my Human Design as a Manifestor and a 5/1, and how learning to use my voice again has been a big part of this growth.

If you’ve ever felt like you’re constantly adjusting yourself to make things easier for everyone else… this episode will help you start looking at that differently.

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@marycatemcdonald

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Transcript

0:00

Hi, and welcome to It's Not That Serious, Even When It Is. I am your host, Mary McDonald. I am a coach and use human design as a tool to see my clients deeply and guide them to a more joy-led and embodied life. On this podcast, we will have deep conversations and some giggles because life can't be so serious all the time. I just wanted to download this thought really quick. Um, I have stopped being accommodating. And this is coming from a place of, I always learned to put other people's f- other people's needs first and, you know, fill their cup first before filling my own. But I really just, like, stopped making things easy for people, and this is what I mean. I mean this in work, I mean this at home, I mean this in, you know, all of the ways that I could mean it. So for example, at work it's like, let's pretend that someone has IM'd me about an email I have already sent to them. So they're coming to me, they haven't read their email, and they're saying, you know, "Hey, I need this thing." The old me would've been like... unless obviously it's my boss. The old me would've been like, "Let me forward that to you and screenshot it to you so you can see what it's talking about," or, "Let me look up the information that I already sent to you and copy and paste it into this message." The me now does not have time for that number one. N- I also don't wanna do that because then it teaches that person that I am going to be overly accommodating all of the time, and a lot of times I actually don't have time to be overly accommodating. I'm just being overly nice, and it's serving neither one of us. So today, for example, someone did that and I said, "Hey, I already sent you an email, you know, last week. Check your inbox." It wasn't over anything urgent or anything crazy or anything like that. Obviously, that would be a different situation. But the same thing goes for, you know, home life, and I think Bryce and I have kind of restructured the way that we run our house and, like, chores and all of that kind of stuff, where I was thinking, and this ties back to one of my other episodes about being the strong one all the time or being the one that, like, I put my needs last 'cause I was like, "Well, it doesn't... I'm really okay. Like, I'm fine." Um, and now I just ask for what I want, and I went through this really big growth period recently where I learned to ask for what I wanted. And it came from this place like... So let me just give you a little side note here. As a manifestor, one of our signature themes is freedom and I... There have been times in the past where I've used my voice, and that is another thing manifestors good at, is using our voices. I've used my voice and I've, I've been told it's wrong or my idea's wrong or there's a different way to do it, but that's better than the idea that I had. And so, like, over time- That would just, and this was a subconscious thing. I wasn't consciously doing that. But like over time, that would just, it just made me start putting my voice last to a point where like, yeah, I knew what I wanted on like a grand scale, but like on a small scale, I like didn't really know what I wanted. Even when Bryce would ask me, like, "Well, what do you want?" I'd be like, "I don't, I don't know." Like, I, I don't know. Because for a long time I've had in different areas of my life where my voice was stifled, and it's not anybody's fault, right? It's not anybody's fault. This is just an ob- observation of stuff that I used to do. And so I just wanna say here that if you are that kind of person where you are not, maybe you're not realizing that you are not voicing what you want, but it's absolutely safe to do so. And I'm, I'm so lucky to be in this growth period in my life where I have a partner where it is really, really safe for me to say exactly what I want. And it's not, doesn't feel like I'm taking away from our partnership, doesn't feel like it's taking away from our marriage, doesn't feel like it's taking away from anything. It's like he respects what I want and vice versa. And so I do have that safe space. So maybe if this is you, if you are seeing yourself a little bit in this story, maybe you start there with a friendship that feels very safe to you, where you're voicing the things that you want. Because eventually, like if you stifle yourself enough, you're gonna blow up my dude. And I know because I almost did that. I almost did that. And, um, what it taught me is that even, you know, a safe space is great to have to like start doing this, but also if you don't have a safe space, like you are going to feel this sense of liberation, this sense of freedom to, um, really start stepping into your voice and into your power and really seeing who cares about your needs and who doesn't. And the people who don't care about your opinions and your needs, like, uh, you gotta decide how much that matters to you. You gotta decide like, are they gonna stick around? Are they gonna be bye-bye out of my life? Or if they're not, if they are gonna stick around, like how much am I gonna allow that to bother me? So that's one of the things that I've been really working on lately, is like owning my voice, owning exactly what I want and like, and I literally do mean down to what do I want for dinner. Now, let me s- preface this with like, sometimes I don't want the mental load, and Bryce and I have a whole We have a whole kind of system around the way dinners work, uh, in our house now because I used to be like, "If you never ask me that question again, like, I will be a happy woman." Um, but let's just use that as an example for, like, date night or whatever. Like, "What do you want for dinner?" And I just would just kinda be like, "Oh, whatever you want," because I don't like it when other people are disappointed in my choices. So let's just say we pick sushi, and he got a bad meal, and, like, mine was great 'cause I love sushi. I would be like, "Well, this is my fault." Like, my train of thought would be like, "This is my fault. I should've just let him pick it, and then, like, he would've had a good dinner, and then it would... We would've just had so much more ease. It would've been so much better if, like, he had a good dinner. Like, who cares what I want? Because if everyone else is happy, like, it's all good." And I definitely have operated from that subconscious system for a really long time, and, and part of it is I actually don't like to hear people complain, and that's probably a little bit of me being like I don't complain a lot, um, because I'm more of a s- see all sides of the coin kinda gal. So I'm like, "I can see where you're coming from." Um, and also, there's just shit that's like, again, to this podcast point, like, not that fucking serious. So it's just isn't that big a deal, and so when I perceive people, let's just call it a meal, like, not enjoying something, and it's something that I picked, it's like w- in my brain and in my nervous system, it makes me, like, so uncomfortable because I'm like, "Oh, it would've just been easier if this person was happy." And if we keep catering to everybody like that... And look, mind you, person who didn't like their meal may not even really care that much. Like, the number of times Bryce and I have, like, gone on a dinner date... I keep saying this, but this, like, is the only, like, concrete example that I have, and, like, these are kind of made-up examples from this. But it's just a g- it's an easy, um, it's an easy, like, story to follow. But, like, let's just say, like, that he, his meal was bad. He's, like, definitely not the type of person to complain about it. He's just like, "Yeah, whatever. It doesn't... It's fine. Like, would I choose that again? No." But it's like, i- it's whatever. It doesn't bother him. However, like, I used to internalize trying to make the group, everybody around me, as happy and as As at ease as possible, and part of that is also my human design. So in, in human design, I'm a five-one. I see people really deeply. I feel them really deeply. And so I can feel unease at a table of 12 people, and I can kinda tell you why each person is being the way that they're being. And I- it's like I can see it so well that part of my work is learning how to tune that out because also as a five-one, people project onto me that I need to be their hero, their problem-solver, their savior of whatever kind. And so I do get stuck in this role of, like, not understanding my needs because I understand everyone else's so much better, and I know what they need from me. So I give that up first without even checking in on myself because I'm like, "Ooh, if I can control the way everyone else feels, makes that, make sure that the room feels good, the vibe is nice, then I feel really a lot more comfortable." And I swear to you, the rest of everybody else is not thinking about all of these things. Like, they're just thinking about literally what they want. And so it's been, like I said, it's been a big point of growth for me to just be like, "Oh, yeah, this is what I want." And it's, it's okay to say that. And I think sometimes as women, we get hung up on this. Sometimes as five-ones, we get hung up on this. And sometimes it's just, like, regular humans walking around who have been in relationships and friendships and, you know, family and all that kind of stuff where you have people telling you, you know, complaining about a thing that you chose. And it really, it really shouldn't be something that you internalize. So what I'm saying is get a little bit selfish today. Start actually talking about, thinking about, like, what do you want? Like, s- we are sometimes so disconnected from, like, what we want and being able to voice what we want in a way where we are seen and heard. And y- the whole thing is you're not always gonna be seen and heard the way that you wanna be because, again, like as a five-one, I, people be projecting onto me all the freaking time. And people are not always gonna hear me in the way that I intended them to hear me. So it's making that mental jump from, "Oh, I'm realizing that this is what I want," and also, now my job, even though sometimes it's wildly uncomfortable, is to say that thing out loud. Because it's drawing boundaries I- for one. It's- It's, it's just also honoring yourself on such a deep level. Yes, there's always compromises in friendships, relationships, family dynamics. There are always gonna be compromises. But that doesn't mean that you have to figure it out all in your head first and be like, "Okay, well I've compromised without even voicing what I actually want." Um, and there's also this avoidance to saying what you want out loud, and especially I'll say again for manifestors, like this freedom of voice and freedom of like being able to say what you want without someone being like, "Well, that's what you shouldn't do," because that, I swear to you, will send me over the edge. And like when I say send me over the edge, I'll probably just like blatantly ignore you and be like, "I'm gonna go in my hidey-hole, and I'm gonna not listen to you because you don't understand and you don't get it." So it, it also comes from that, that experience of like thinking that it's okay for me to say what I want and then having someone just butt up against me over and over and over and over again saying like, "No, that's a wrong thing. You shouldn't want that." But again, you gotta tune back into yourself and, and when someone does that, you gotta just go, "You know what? That's, that's fine. Cool. Whatever." Like, "You're allowed to have an opinion. I'm gonna continue doing the thing that I would like to do, and I'm gonna move forward with that thing, and it may or may not affect you, and you're welcome for like me saying what I want." But I think that sometimes we're so disconnected from ourselves and what we want, and we start thinking about, "Well, what's right? What's everybody else want? What does everyone think? What d- what does society think of this choice that I'm making? What does... How good is that gonna make me look? Is it gonna make me look bad if I say that? Is it gonna make me look, you know, some kinda way where I'm gonna lose friends because I said something like that or I voiced my opinion?" And maybe you do ple- lose some friends, or maybe you do lose some followers. Gasp. Followers, God. Um, maybe you do lose that stuff, but what you gain is so much better. The confidence you gain in yourself and your voice and being able to say clearly out loud what you want is so powerful. And I will say that like I've been in the room with, probably in the past six months, several people who just say what they want, and it... That's kinda what triggered this for me, is I, I, I'll be like, "Oh, you just, you just did that, where you said what you wanted and you said your opinion without worrying about if it was gonna hurt everyone's feelings or if it was gonna be the wrong thing to say or people were gonna be like, 'Ugh, she's such a bitch'" And I admire that so much. I admire that so much. So I, I invite you to step into this era with me where we, like, say the things that we want. Yeah, I mean, do we... It doesn't mean you have to, like, go be a big bitch about it. But it does mean that, like, you owe it to yourself to honor your voice and to honor your thoughts and to honor your ideas and to honor the things that you want without hesitation, without explanation without, um, feeling like you have to defend yourself. And I think that's kinda what I was getting at earlier, is like sometimes when I say what I want, I feel like I have to immediately defend myself, because I've been put in that situation a lot. Just 'cause I say things that people will be like, "What do you mean? That makes me wildly uncomfortable." And I'll be like, "Ugh. Well, okay." Like, well let me defend and explain and all the things. And, like, you don't always have to defend. You don't always have to explain. Sometimes you just gotta say the damn thing and then just move on. It's really not that big a deal. And the more practice you have voicing the things that you want... Because I'll give you another example. I know somebody who's complaining about a thing again. Uh, and that probably sounds kinda shitty, that I don't like to hear complaints, but it's 'cause I like to hear that you're solutioning And so if, let's just say I have a client who's coming to me complaining about a thing, and obviously I'm here to help you if you're my client. So complain. That's fine. Um, I'm, I'm just also saying that I'm gonna help you switch your mindset to a solution, and part of the problem with complaints, they'll be like, someone... You'll be complaining about a person all day long, all day long, but you are not solutioning for anything. You're not... Part of the problem is that you're not talking to that person. You're not communicating your needs, because you don't feel confident enough in your needs, or you don't feel like your needs are worth saying out loud. So the people just start walking over you, and that's actually your fault. It's not their fault. They're not supposed to read your mind. What? They can't read your mind. They can't. And you shouldn't expect them to. And you shouldn't try to read their minds either. Don't do it. Don't do it. So, uh, that's, that's it. That's what I gotta say is, like, if you've got something like that where you're like, "Oh, I'm complaining," well, about a person, let's just say. It's like one of the greatest gifts you can give yourself is really dialing it down, boiling that down, and going, "What do I really want? Like, why is this really bothering me?" And- then speaking with the person not worrying about how they're going to take it I mean yeah I guess like it's normal to worry if it's something like super serious or whatever however like you gotta honor yourself honor yourself honor your voice honor your thoughts honor your needs first if you can't do that you are not going to get to the greatest version of yourself that you can actually be and you're doing everybody else around you such a disservice such a disservice your honesty about who you are the way you want to show up your ideas your thoughts the things that you need to say to this person you are dishonoring them by not being honest because you're making assumptions about the way that they are going to perceive you the way that they are going to think about the thing that you said and they may react totally different than you even think and they may not they may not but you're not going to know and they're not going to know what you think or how you feel if you don't voice it and that's it and you can keep it that simple and you can start with a shaky voice it's cool it's fine this is this is just life we're all just figuring it out start with your little shaky voice no big deal big whoop-de-doo you didn't do it perfectly okay cool guess what life's going to present this to you over and over until you reach the point where you feel strong and confident and good in your voice expressing the things that you want and you need and that my friends is today's episode I hope you guys have a really good week and I will be back next week Thank you for joining me on today's episode. If something resonated with you, then we are probably best friends. And friends rate, review, and share episodes. If you wanna stay connected, you can find me on Instagram, @marykatemcdonald. That's Mary C-A-T-E McDonald. If you want more information on coaching or wanna keep connected in my weekly newsletter, you can find that in the show notes. Thanks again for joining me on today's episode. I'm looking forward to catching you in the next one. And just a reminder that it's not that serious, even when it is.