Stop Inviting Judith to Your Dinner Table: Emotional Boundaries at Work

Stop Inviting Judith to Your Dinner Table: Emotional Boundaries at Work

Host and coach Mary McDonald shares lessons from over 10 years in corporate America about handling difficult coworkers, projections, and passive-aggressive dynamics. She recounts being triggered by insecurity and projections early in her career, including a tense performance review, and explains how these experiences strengthened her communication skills and emotional resilience. Using the reticular activating system (RAS), she describes how repeatedly focusing on a frustrating coworker (“Judith”) reinforces negativity and gives that person power over your mental and physical state. McDonald urges listeners to interrupt the cycle by either seeking understanding and having an adult conversation to address issues or choosing to stop replaying the story and talking about it—“uninviting” the person from your dinner table after work. She also recommends visualizing white light to clear and protect your energy before leaving home and before sleep.

00:00 Welcome to the Show

01:02 Corporate Lessons Begin

03:46 Projections and Insecurity

05:54 Performance Review Blowup

08:26 Finding Your Voice

11:02 Reticular Activating System

11:51 Meet Judith the Trigger

15:10 Break the Obsession Loop

18:32 Not at My Table

20:43 Pattern Interrupt for Peace

23:07 White Light Energy Reset

24:47 Wrap Up and Farewell

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Transcript

SPEAKER_00 0:00

Hi, and welcome to It's Not That Serious, Even When It Is. I am your host, Mary McDonald. I am a coach and use human design as a tool to see my clients deeply and guide them to a more enjoyed-led and embodied life. On this podcast, we will have deep conversations and some giggles because life can't be so serious all the time. I'm actually gonna talk about who you want to bring to your dinner table. And uh it's gonna be a little story about corporate America, my time working in corporate, and how to manage your emotions around situations and people and things that are just not your favorite. And in fact, it was really cool because I already I already recorded this episode and then I something happened to the recording. So here I am redoing it, which is probably better. It's probably for the best. So I have worked in corporate America for like 10 years, a little over 10 years. I don't know. Once you hit past 10 years, at least for me, I'm like, okay, that's enough. We don't have to count anymore. Anyway, so I've worked in corporate for a while now, and I've had a couple different positions. I've worked for several different people. I have uh worked with a lot of different personalities, experienced a lot of different personalities. So if you work in corporate or you know, you just have a job in general, I'm sure you can relate to this. And this is what I want to talk about. So my time has spread from like my mid-20s to no my mid-ish 30s and a little past mid-ish 30s. And I have, like I said, experienced a lot of different personalities. And when I first started working in corporate, I was actually really surprised at the amount of like super insecure people that I worked with. And I just thought that that was something that like I was I only was gonna deal with in high school and that I wasn't gonna deal with like immaturity later in life. I was like, oh great, like I'm in the real world now. So like, ow, I'm not gonna deal with anything that's like ridiculous, but that wasn't true. Yeah, I've worked with people who definitely got under my skin. I've worked with people who at the end of the day, I would go home and I would cry to Bryce because I was like, I need to quit this job. It's the worst. And it wasn't because like people were necessarily mean to me. It was just more like, oh my God, it's really difficult to have a clear headspace in an environment where, you know, people are pressing my buttons. And I was having such a difficult time with this for years. And it was so bad at one point. I would literally walk up the stairs in this building, and I would have to be like, okay, I'm gonna pretend like I'm walking into my dream house in Tuscany. And I'm these are the steps I'm visualizing. It's warm outside, like this is what the house looks like that I'm walking into. Like, I had to get, I had to like really work myself up to just go into the building. It was not so great. And when I say this, like I wish that I would have known at the time what I know now. First off, from a human design perspective, I have a five-line. And if you have a five-line or a two-line, people love a good projection. They love to project on you. And I had a lot of that coming in as like, just picture this. I'm 25, I'm like very cute. I wear my very cute like J. Crew put together outfits. Like, I just like want to look professional. I want to have the job. I I just want to do really well. So I like I present that way. And the thing that nobody knew at the time was, or nobody that I worked with knew, is that like I just wanted a job in LA so I could stay with my boyfriend, who's now my now husband, and so I could take acting classes and pursue my acting dream and my my creative dreams. I was not there to take anybody's job. I was not there to like, I don't know. I was just there to get paid and like do a good job. That's it. That's it. That's it, totally it. Turns out it's been the best acting job of my life. But like what I'm about to tell you. So anyway, I like there were people there that like thought I was like, the longer I work there, thought I was coming for their job. And I was like, no, I don't, I can't tell you why I'm actually here because I'm afraid that I'll get fired if you know that like what my real ambitions are. But I I definitely don't want your job. I don't like what's wrong with you. But it turns out, you know, and it's not to be like to flatter myself or anything, but it just like turns out that like when you're cute and you're 25 and you're the youngest one in the office, like that triggers people. And when people like you and you have, you know, a personality that's not total shit, people find you charming. I don't know, right? It's not my pro it wasn't my problem. Like, I just wanted to do a good job, like I said. And so I had a performance review one time where I had a this person was mad at me because I um scored isn't the rate, this is what you say, rated myself higher than she rated herself on something. And she was very upset about this. And I was just trying to keep my job, like that was again, that was like the main goal. And she was very upset about this because she didn't r rate herself very high. And like I know that there's a difference, there's an age difference here where like I know people have been through different things than like I have been through. And I know that they've had different work experiences that I have. And I know like as women working in the workplace, like I know there's like a different right, there's different generational things that women have been through that I did not go through. And so I wasn't being humble, I guess, when I rated myself high on certain things. I was just like, yeah, I could teach course on how to do this. Like, okay, yeah, I could do that, you know, whatever. And I wasn't being humble, and that made her very uncomfortable. And then it made her uncomfortable to like have this conversation. And then I said some really less and nice things. And the whole point of this story is like she was projecting onto me. I had had it where, like, it just again when people project onto you over and over and over again, and they and me like wanting to keep the peace and like be even keel and like not use not use my voice in a way that would have been a little bit more constructive rather than like what I did say to this person after this that made her cry. It was I could have been better, clearly. But I say all this to say that like from that very early time I had been projected upon because of like I just the way that I showed up, right? And there was nothing wrong with the way that I showed up. It's just that it made it actually just more difficult to just be me in the workplace wanting to do a good job. And this has happened not this exact experience, but this experience where I had to work with difficult people kept happening. It kept happening, and it was extremely infuriating. I mean, there's a lot of a lot of good lessons that I learned, right? Like I learned how to use my voice a lot better, which is something I've like manifest or in human design. Like I'm very good at, I'm very good at like putting together my thoughts, I'm very good at communicating. I'm at this point, like I'm very good at just saying, like, oh, like I'm not gonna do that, I'm not gonna operate like that. I'm that's not who I am. I'm pretty darn good at that, especially in the workplace at this point, because I have had other times where I've worked with people who are very passive aggressive, and I am what I what somebody might say, like aggressive aggressive, but that maybe not also on point. Like the whole thing is that I would rather just have an honest conversation with you than you just like throw your fuckery around of like being passive aggressive. Like just say what you want. Say what you want, be empowered. Let me empower you to say exactly what you want, even though you don't know how to say it, because like this is like a frustrating thing for me in corporate, where like people are like beating around the bush all the time. And I don't like that. I don't like that. I find it to be very frustrating. I would rather you just be like so straight up with me, to the point where I'm like, I would actually rather you just like yell in my face whatever you need than like you not say it at all and make me try to guess what you need. I'm not in the business of guessing. I'm in the business of doing. So I say all this to say that like my job is great now, but in the past, I have definitely had these experiences that have helped me build my own set of communication skills, my own set of like, I'm not gonna let this bother me skills, my own set of like, I'm gonna let that thing you just said roll over my shoulder because I know you're projecting onto me and I know that you're vastly insecure. So like, I actually don't need to take that on. I've done nothing wrong here. This is just a you problem, not a me problem. So that's what I want to talk about today is like, what are the skills that I have developed in this environment where I think everybody has had, everybody's had these experiences where you work with people or you're around people that either project onto you or they just have shit attitudes, or they're just like not very nice. And it just makes your environment just like it makes you feel like gross. It makes you go home at night just like crying because you're just I hate you hate it so much. I'm gonna preface this talking about the reticular activating system. The reticular activating system, I'm gonna call it the RAS for the rest of this episode and from here on out, is basically this thing where your subconscious wants you to be right. Like whatever you focus on, you bring about. So let's just pretend that I want a blue Subaru. And I'm thinking about this blue Subaru over and over and over and over again. So I start seeing blue Subarus everywhere. It's the same thing with your emotions. I'm gonna use a name. I'm just gonna call them Judith because when I was an improv back in the day and I had to use a name for anything, I just went straight to Judith. So we're just gonna use Judith. So let's just pretend that like Judith is my coworker and Judith gets under my skin. Judas, be a get under your skinner kind of lady. And Judith just bothers me to no end. I just I don't like the way she operates in the office. She seems deeply unhappy, which bothers me. She seems like she can't grasp her own emotions, so she just projects into everybody else. She makes things feel like a living nightmare. And Judith is just the worst from my perspective from where I'm sitting. Okay. So let's just continue walking down this road with Judas. So Judas has, in my opinion, wronged me, has just like sucked the life out of me. Just whatever. We don't love her. She's not great to work with. What's happening with my, first off, what's happening with my reticular activating system is I'm constantly seeing the worst in Judas over and over and over and over and over again. I'm gonna continue to see the worst of her. I'm gonna continue and like, I'm gonna continue to talk about her to my husband. I'm gonna continue to talk about her to my family, my friends. I'm gonna continue to like tell all the stories about Judas. And my Raz, my subconscious just wants me to be right. So my subconscious keeps serving me up more instances with negative Judith. And I'm just like eating it up because like I am just seeing what I want to see. So that's like number one. I'm seeing what I'm wanting, wanting to see. I'm not seeing Judith as a full person. I'm seeing Judith as a person who drives me insane. I'm not even like taking a moment to really get to know Judith or to understand why she is the way that she is. And I'm not saying that you have to do that with everyone. It's just that like if you know you're gonna be in a working situation with someone for a long time, like I'd rather start to understand why, like, why they are the way that they are and what is driving them to be that way. Is it like pressure from above? Is it someone else micromanaging them? Is it like past experiences that cause them to be micromanaging towards me? So then I need to actually change my behavior to where I reassure them so that they feel comfortable and they stop bothering me and being a crazy Judith. If I'm willing to do that work, that work is great. But if I'm not willing to do that, there comes a point in time where Judith becomes detrimental to my mental health. And not because like she sucks, but because I have allowed her that power. I've allowed Judith the power over my emotions. I'm thinking about Judas when I go to bed. I'm thinking about Judas when I am at dinner. I am thinking about Judas when I wake up because I don't want to see Judas when I'm getting ready and I'm just like mad. And then I'm leaving Judith while I'm at work. Like she has become like this sad little emotional parasite to my to my psyche. And so this is where I want you to catch yourself. Because for so long, I was very caught up in Judith. And what's Judith doing? And how is Judith making me feel like shit all the time? And I started to have like physical responses to where I would get so worked up, I would be like, Yeah, I'm gonna give her a piece of my mind. And like, this isn't necessarily Judith isn't specifically like a real person, but I have given people a piece of my mind. It's not pretty for them. It's not great for me either, because I shouldn't handle things that way, but like it's not pretty for them for sure. But anyway, like my whole point is like there comes this point where like it's actually just super detrimental to your mental health. And sometimes you can leave your job and you could be like, ah, I'm gonna go leave and get a new job and no worries, and like Judith could just move out of my way and I'll never see her again. Right, but that's not the reality for a lot of us. The reality is like you're gonna stay at your job. The reality is like, what you're moving because of one person, okay. The reality is that you have to need you're gonna need a different perspective shift. So you're gonna need to catch yourself in this pattern. You need to catch yourself talking about Judas over and over again, and how draining that feels, and how bad that feels in your body, and how much you are just like cat like start cataloging, cataloging like how frequently you're thinking about this, because you're just bringing more, you're just bringing more of that energy back into your back to your own energy circle. So you want to stop that, right? Okay, you've said your piece. If you're not gonna get to know her, if you're not gonna get to like try to understand why she works the way that she is, and then form like a better opinion, then like shh, if you're not willing to do the work to fix the working relationship that you have or the one-sided like hatred that you have, then like you can shut up because like you're part of the problem. If you can't even have a conversation with Judith, regardless of if she's responsive or not, but like if you can't start a conversation with Judith to like fix whatever issue that you're having, then like you don't really have that much business complaining. Like, I'm so sorry to call you out here, but like if you can't figure out how to have an adult conversation with another adult just to get your point across or just to like hear them out, or just to have some basic side of understanding, then like you can get out, you can respectfully leave. And I mean that so nicely because I know that like sometimes we have these conversations and the other person is not responsive. But guess what? Like, energetically, you cleaned up your side of the street. Like energetically, you were like, ah, I said my piece, I tried. I actually, I really tried. Okay? So if you're not gonna do that, then like it is time. It is time, it is time to let Judith go. It's time to let the energy of Judas go. So I like to call this you're not invited to my dinner table. You are I have uninvited you. The minute that I shut my laptop, I will be no talkie about Judas anymore. Judith is not invited. I did not pull up a third chair to my dinner table for Judas because she is draining me. So I'm going to stop telling the same story, the same crisis, the same like however she wronged me over and over again because it's doing quite literally nothing for me. Nothing, not a thing. So I'm gonna stop talking about it because now I've created this physical response. I have a pattern, my Raz continues to see Judith as a threat, and then I continue to absorb that energy. So you have to be brave enough and aware enough to let shit go. Like you have to be so aware with your emotions and your thoughts, or like Judith is gonna bother you for years on end, and you're never gonna let Judith go. And you're just Judith's gonna be running the show, Judas' gonna come to every fucking dinner party that you ever have because someone's gonna go, house work, and immediately you're gonna be like, Judith, instead of work is good, I don't really want to talk about work. Let's talk about something different. There are so many ways you can halt this cycle to stop like making yourself miserable. You are your own victim at this point. If you've not done the work to have the conversation, if you've not decided to let it go, then like you are actually the problem now. And I think this can be applied to a lot of things, but like we're just sticking to work for this episode. And so that is something that I stopped doing. Like, once I realized, and this went on for a couple of years, like to be honest with you, I didn't realize like how affected I was by Judas. And then one day I had this like visceral response, and I was like, no, I am actually having a visceral response that like I shouldn't be having anymore. This is so ridiculous. I don't even work with this person anymore. So if you are dealing with that, like I highly encourage you to like catch yourself. Catch yourself. If you can't leave your job, if you can't make changes, like because of whatever, catch yourself in your thought patterns and go, oh, but I'm not gonna talk about that because I don't really need to feed that beast. I don't need someone on the outside to validate my story. I don't need someone else to tell me like how horrible this person, Judith, is. I don't need someone to agree with me. Like, no, what I need is my inner peace. I need my inner peace. And I think that like once you reach that stage, you start becoming untouchable in your workplace to where you are better at your job, you are clearer, you have prioritized what you actually care about because it again, like you stop being so concerned with how much you dislike this person, and you stop being you start being more concerned with like, okay, I'm gonna be super efficient about this. So at the end of the day, when I close my laptop, I'm actually so present with my family. I'm so present with my husband, I'm so present with myself, I'm so present. Doing something other than this job, whether you like your job or not. So at the end of the day, we have to be, we have to be our own pattern interrupters. And like, one, that's like part of coaching in general, and like part of what I do is like we interrupt these patterns and we go, like, you know what? Like, how much do you actually care about Judas? Like, how much power are you giving Judith? Aren't you more powerful than that? Like, yes, you freaking are. Like, you are more powerful than whatever bubble you've put Judith in. Like, whether whatever emotional strings that that she's like bringing out of you, or like pulling, I mean. And yeah, obviously, we'll go deeper on like what those triggers are and like why this is happening. But my advice for today is to just interrupt that pattern and stop inviting her to your dinner table. Stop talking about it. Stop talking about it if you're not actually going to try to find a solution. Because it's just actually making it so much worse. And then the last thing that I will say this is a trick that my one of my coaches taught me, and it's all about like protecting your own energy and clearing your energy at the end of the day. So before she walks out of her house, my mentor taught me this. She wraps, she like mentally like wraps herself in white light and clears her energy field. And just imagines like her energy field being cleared. Same thing when she walks back in at the end of the day. So this is like something that I've started doing at night. I have not been as good about like doing it right when I get home from work, but like I do it before I go to sleep is like I call back all my energy to me, and I release whatever has attached to me. And I sit there and I literally visualize like this white light around me clearing my energy field before my head hits the pillow. Because at the end of the day, like we're just trying to lead a life that feels good. And at the end of the day, like our high vibration is our top priority. Because when we vibe high, everybody around us vibes high. So I hope that was helpful. Stop inviting Judith to your dinner table. She's not allowed. Charlie doesn't even like what you cooked. And clear your energy field before you leave the house. Why did I say that? Before you sort of put your head on the pillow before you go to sleep, clear your energy field, and I promise you you're gonna feel a lot better. All right, that is it for this episode of Who to Invite to Your Dinner Table. All right, have a good one. Thank you for joining me on today's episode. If something resonated with you, then we are probably best friends. And friends, rate, review, and share episodes. If you want to stay connected, you can find me on Instagram at MaryKate McDonald. That's Mary C-A-T-E McDonald. If you want more information on coaching or want to keep connected in my weekly newsletter, you can find that in the show notes. Thanks again for joining me on today's episode. I'm looking forward to catching you in the next one. And just a reminder that it's not that serious, even when it is.