Ep. 11 - Your Future Self is Rooting for You

This episode started with a weird pain in my chest, a conversation with my mentor, and me saying, "Seriously? More grief?"

It ended with me crying over a Pixar movie, writing a letter from my future self, and realizing something I think we all need to hear:

The version of you who already has the thing you're dreaming about? They're rooting for you right now.

In this episode, I'm sharing a very personal story about grief, hope, fertility, healing, and a journaling exercise that completely changed the way I look at my own journey.

If you've ever felt tired of waiting, tired of growing, or tired of hearing that "it's about the journey," this one's for you.

(And sorry in advance, there are multiple interruptions from my dogs. They're basically co-hosts at this point.) 🐶❤️

And shoutout to my mentor and dear friend Deanna Merlino. You can find her on Instagram at @thedeannamerlino

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@marycatemcdonald

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Transcript

0:00

Hi, and welcome to It's Not That Serious, Even When It Is. I am your host, Mary McDonald. I am a coach and use human design as a tool to see my clients deeply and guide them to a more joy-led and embodied life. On this podcast, we will have deep conversations and some giggles because life can't be so serious all the time. Hello and welcome to today's podcast. This is an episode I didn't think I was gonna record, but here we are. Um, so just to give you a little bit about, of a backstory, I have my own mentor that I work with on a weekly basis, and she works in energetics. She's a Reiki master. She's like all kinds of magic. I'm sure she's more than I even know about, 'cause sometimes I ask her questions and I'm like, "Wow, I didn't know that you did that." And she literally amazes me all the time. So I'm gonna give her a really quick shout-out. Her name is Deanna Merlino. She's also one of my besties for the resties. You can find her on Instagram at The Deanna Merlino. That's The Deanna, D-E-A-N-N-A M-E-R-L-I-N-O. So I'm gonna give her a lot of credit for this episode. She's pretty cool. You should go give her a follow. Um, anyway, so she works in energetics, and I work with her every single week. And, um, yeah, suffice it to say that she's amazing. And if you've listened to my episode about the fertility journey that I've been on or Bryce and I have been on, and just the grief that I've held in my body for probably oh, three years, um Probably m- and, like, really heavily, I think, in the last year and a half. Um, and anyway, so I was telling her a couple of weeks ago, I've been having this... It feels like a muscle, like a pain in my chest, just like a deep pain in my chest. And, like, I don't mean this like I think I'm having a heart attack. Or it just feels like a, a muscle that's stiff. And sometimes when I bring these things to Deanna, I'll be like, "Hey, this thing's going on." And she'll be like, "Why don't you try blah, blah, blah?" And literally the pain will go away from whatever I've been talking about, 'cause she also knows stuff about Chinese medicine, yada, yada, yada. She's really cool. So I was like, "Hey, Deanna," like, "I have this r- like, my... I don't know if it's anything energetic or if it's just, like, me, like, lifting weights. Like, could be that, too, you know?" I always wanna say that 'cause sometimes I feel a little insane saying, "Hey, Deanna, here's this physical thing that's happening in my body. C- does- can you feel around energetically and see what's going on?" But, um, this time it was something more energetic than it was physical, but now it's, you know, obviously manifesting physically. And I think that some people aren't... Maybe you're not aware of this, but, um, we carry our emotions in our body, too. So it's not just... It's, this isn't, that's, it's like science. It's not just this, like, woo-woo, hooby-hoppy thing. But if you wanted to know how woo-woo I am, I talk to my mentor and energetic worker friend about my own aches and pains, um, i- to see if, like, there's anything energetically going on Okay, sorry. I don't know if you're gonna be able to tell, but there's a pause there because my dog has lost her mind and she's barking at something, and I needed to close my door. So anyway, um, so I asked her, I was like, "Hey, I have this pain in my chest. Can you just feel around in there?" And we meet virtually, so I don't mean this, like, physically I'm near her. She lives in Buffalo. Um, so anyway, I was like, "Can you just, like, tell me what's going on?" And she was like, "Mm." She felt around. Suffice to say, she's like, "It's grief." And I was like, "Son of a gun." I... The amount of time I've spent with grief is just exhausting at this point, and if you've, you know, ever been through something that's been really difficult in your life and you're just like, "God, like, does it let up? Do we get through this? Can we stop?" Like, you know, learning some lessons. Like, am I, you know, whatever. And she goes, it, it, sh- like, what I needed to do was kind of just sit with this and not necessarily even know what it was, but just know that, like, my body's ready to release it, right? It's coming up for a reason. My body's ready to release it. So I sat with that for a week and I did nothing, 'cause I have been in a really, really good mood. I've been in a really good mood. Things are going really great. I'm just, like, really enjoying myself, and I just thought like, "Ugh, I don't wanna deal with this." Like, I... Can't I just, like, not, you know? Can't I just, like, not for five freaking seconds? And then I had another session with her, and all of this stuff came up where I was like, "I really don't wanna deal with this," and then it just, like, blegh, there... It was all of this stuff that came up for me. So I'm not gonna go into those details, but I am gonna go into, um, what I did after that. So I took a bath and I, like, meditated, and I spent some time just kinda really sending my breath to that part of my body and just, like, releasing as much as I could, um, and just really, like, being intentional about breathing into that space And I felt this little, like, I don't know, voice in my head that was like, "Okay, you've released as much as you can right now. There's gonna be a bigger release later." And I was like, "Okay, great. Um, that's fine." And sometimes, like, I say that, like, I have this little voice in my head. Like, it's just some version of my intuition just leading me to the next thing. So I thought, "Okay, great. Whatever. I've done as much as I can do in this moment with being intentional, with just really trying to clear my energy out, really trying to breathe into that heart space, really trying to, like, release it, um, and not be frustrated by it." So then I go downstairs, I start making dinner, and then I'm on Instagram just, like, tootle-tooting around, and I come across this And, like, so sorry, uh, if I cry, but while I tell this story, but, uh, it's my podcast, so if crying makes you feel uncomfortable, I guess bye. I wish you all the best. Um, so anyway, I come across this reel, and, um, it has a sound bite from that movie Inside Out. That's a Pixar movie. And if you haven't watched Inside Out, it will just, like, bring you to your knees in tears. Bryce and I watched it well before we even knew we were ready to have kids, and we were like, "Oh." And there's this character, Bing Bong, I think is his name, and, like, in the middle of the movie, this character's been the, the child's, like, um, I think, like, play toy or whatever for their whole life. And, like, Bing Bong, like, they lose him in the middle of the film, and he's basically saying, like Oh, my God. I'm not gonna cry. But he's basically saying, like, you know, he's done everything that he needs to do. Like, "Thanks for the ride." Oh. Oh, my God. Anyway, wow. Okay. So this reel, it's this You know, it's that clip from the movie where, like, the main character is I'm laughing now 'cause Bing Bong, I think, is his name, and now I feel so stupid crying while I'm talking about this Pixar movie. Anyway, it's this clip, this audio clip, and this woman is holding her baby, and it You know, the I wish I would I should have saved it, but I didn't need to re-watch it and cry again. Um, and anyway, so you see her with her baby, and then One second. My dog- Okay, I'm back. Wow. Um, that was my other dog. Anyway, so in this reel, she's holding her baby, and you see it flip to the other side of the camera, and it's supposed to be the version of herself before she had kids. And the caption is basically saying, you know, "I'm so grateful to myself that got me here." And she talks about her IVF story a little bit. Clearly, I became emotional and absolutely unhinged at my, at my breakfast, dinner table, whatever, and I'm just sobbing. And, um, it was kinda like this release I knew I needed to have because I, again, like have held onto so much grief. But what I found And I was actually really scared to deal with my grief again because I just, again, like I said, I've been doing really, really well, and I just was like, "I don't wanna deal with this." And, um, it actually, like, was more of, like, a happy cry, if I'm being honest. Like, it was more of this, like, release and this feeling of like, oh man, like, that for sure will be me one day. Like, one day we will have a baby, and I will be so grateful to the person that I am right now. And I just wanna say this can apply to anything. So if you have a goal or you're, you have something that you're yearning for in your life, like, that version of yourself is rooting for who you are now and who you are becoming in the process of getting to where you wanna be. So I had this idea that came to me that was like, I'm gonna write a letter to not to my future self, 'cause I've done that before too, and that's, like, kind of a cool exercise, but this one was took me on a journey. And I feel like I kind of, like, channel some sort of ener- weird energy when I journal, so I don't know. More on that at a different time. But I had this feeling that I just needed to sit with my journal and write as my future self to me now. So future version of Mary who has this perfect baby, child, um, and thank her for all that she's doing. Thank her for who she is. Thank her for learning everything that she's learning. Thank her for all that she is going through right now and all that she has been through. Um, and so I wouldn't normally do this, but I'm going to read you that letter. Um, and originally... I swear to God, I think my dog is about to bark at the door at me. And you guys, it seems as though every time I'm about to get vulnerable my dog's like, "Ha ha, remember, I'm here." So, um, anyway, I'm going to read you this letter, and I just want... I just... I think what I thought to myself when I decided to make an episode about this is that if there's somebody out there that this helps, this exercise helps, then e- even if it's one person, um, dealing with grief or dealing with a hard time or trying to move through something hard and just, like, not really knowing what the path looks like to get there. And again, I'm so sorry if you can hear my dog, but I'm, I'm just gonna power on through this. Um, if, if you are dealing with any of these things, I just want to remind you, and I know people say this all the time, like, it really is about the journey and not the destination, and the destination is beautiful, and we're so excited for the destination, right? We are so excited. And I used to hate it when people told me that. I would be like, "You know what? Fuck the journey. It's hard." Um, but the version of myself that I am today, I know that I'm gonna be a much better mother than I, than I would've been three years ago. I know that Bryce and I's relationship has evolved beyond what I even imagined it could have evolved to. I know that, um, how I show up today is so much different than how I showed up three years ago, three years ago, and I'm really proud of the work that I've done for myself and for us and together that we've done. And so this is that letter from that future version of myself. So here goes I just wanna tell you thank you. Thank you for keeping yourself going Thank you for teaching us how to be strong, how to speak up for ourselves, how to heal, how to shine, how to be strong and hold space to be soft, how to trust in the people around us. Thank you for recognizing that we are not alone. Thank you for being open to healing and to help. Thank you for some of the deepest, most important friendships you have found. Thank you for choosing the mentor who guided you to this timeline, because look at us now. We are here with this perfect, sweet, beautiful baby and this life you created expanded into a whole new level of love, and joy, and hope. And every single day we are grateful for who you are today. Because without you, we would not be here with our sweet, sweet, perfect little angel baby sent down as God's greatest gift in your life. You were always meant for motherhood, but it was always meant to be the version of yourself you're becoming now, the one who is more free less perfect, more wild, who holds space for love, more space for joy and for fun, and more whimsy, and more parts of yourself that you always dreamed, that you always dreamed of. Mother isn't... Motherhood isn't happening to you like you always feared it might. It is happening for you. It is happening as you are already expanding so beautifully into the life of your dreams, and we are rooting for you until you get here. Because we promise that your joy on, on the way is going to be raw and honest and bigger than you ever thought possible. It is cracking you open in the best way, and it is going to feel like sunshine entering and feel, filling every tiny crack where your soul has been hurting. And it's going to honor every difficult part of this journey and help you feel joy on a level you forgot was possible, one that isn't circumstantial, but one that just is. So thank you for this journey and being so brave. We are ready for you, and we are so grateful for every piece of who you are. And that is the letter from my future self. Getting a little choked up as I do. Um, so anyway, I share that with you just to, um, remind you that, you know, our future selves are rooting for us right now. Our future version of ourselves that has the thing that, like, we're so excited for, the thing that we're yearning for, um, it- she's out there. He's out there. Um, and they are rooting for you. And so I hope this helps at least one of you out there. It was very, um, it was very helpful to me, and it was hel- very helpful in releasing some grief I didn't know was there, but also some excitement for this version of myself that feels so much closer to me than it ever has. And, um, I... This deeper understanding of gratitude for who I am today, uh, as I have moved through this process. So I'm sending you so much love if you are going through anything difficult right now. I'm sending you, yeah, just all the love, all the hugs, all the good vibes, and I hope you have a really good day, a really good week, and I will be back soon Thank you for joining me on today's episode. If something resonated with you, then we are probably best friends. And friends rate, review, and share episodes. If you wanna stay connected, you can find me on Instagram at Mary Kate McDonald. That's Mary C-A-T-E McDonald. If you want more information on coaching or wanna keep connected in my weekly newsletter, you can find that in the show notes. Thanks again for joining me on today's episode. I'm looking forward to catching you in the next one. And just a reminder that it's not that serious, even when it is