Ep. 14 What to Do When You Start Spiraling

Some seasons of life make it feel like your mind just won't stop.

This week, I'm sharing what happened when I caught myself spiraling after a season of grief, big decisions, and trying to control everything around me.

In this episode, we talk about:

• Why we spiral when life feels uncertain
• How grief and anxiety can show up as perfectionism and control
• Why you shouldn't make big decisions in the middle of overwhelm
• Four simple ways to calm your nervous system and come back to the present
• What it means when the spiral is unexpected aka after you've manifested that thing you've been wanting.

If you've been overthinking, carrying too much, or trying to figure out your entire future today, this episode is your reminder to pause, breathe, and trust that clarity comes after regulation—not before.

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@marycatemcdonald

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Transcript

0:00

Hi, and welcome to It's Not That Serious, Even When It Is. I am your host, Mary McDonald. I am a coach and use human design as a tool to see my clients deeply and guide them to a more joy-led and embodied life. On this podcast, we will have deep conversations and some giggles, because life can't be so serious all the time. Hi, and welcome to the podcast this week. I honestly, I didn't know if I was going to even record anything this week because I didn't think that I had anything relevant to say until this evening when I was like, "Actually, yeah, I do have something to say." So if you listened to the last episode, you know that we lost our doggy really suddenly on July 3rd, and she was 13. And Bryce and I have had her since the second year we started dating. We've been together for 14 years. Yeah, obviously. Do math, Mary. And so it's been really, it's probably the deepest grief I think I've ever felt. And I, when I say probably it definitely is. And even with all of the fertility stuff that we've had going on it's harder than that, if I'm being honest, because she's just like our little angel baby, and it's just been rough. So I didn't really know if I had anything, because some days the grief has got its claws deep into my heartstrings, and I just am, going about my day, doing what I need to do. And some days it's a little bit lighter, and I have things to say. And today was a little bit of both. So there's a couple things I wanna talk about today, and one of them is spiraling, and it's actually a pattern that I recognize in... Sorry, before I go on, my computer fan is so loud right now. I don't know what's going on. I actually do need to get a new laptop, but, I'm gonna put a pin in that for a beat And you'll understand why in a second But yeah. So I wanna talk about spiraling for a second, not just because I just went on a spiral this afternoon, and I went on a spiral last week, and I have a client who also went on a spiral. And so I thought, actually, you know what? We've all experienced the spiral. And the one that I went on and the one that my client went on, two different, very different things were happening. But I wanna talk about both because I think that they're relevant, and I think they're, that this is just good information and stuff to keep in your back pocket when you inevab- inevitably do have a moment of spiraling, because we are all human, and no matter how much work you can do, you can still be sucked in by a spiral, especially me, a lady in grief. So I have, we have a bunch of decisions that kind of have to happen. They don't have to happen anytime soon. It's just that in my head I made up this timeline of when all these decisions had to be made, and I guess I'll just share them here. We are thinking about switching fertility doctors. I, and these sound like, I'm gonna say this, and now I'm gonna have a little giggle about it, because the second one doesn't sound like that big of a deal, but it's the brain power that I want to put into it I just don't have at the moment. And I spoke with this woman at this crystal shop, Last week or week before, honest- honestly, I don't know. But I, m- my time is so off. But anyway, I spoke with her about doing a workshop on human design and authenticity and that kinda thing, and it's clearly my jam. I love talking about this kinda stuff. So I really wanted to do... I've been wanting to do a workshop at this crystal shop, and I happened to go in there a couple weeks ago, and the owner was in there, and we just started chatting, and she was like, "Oh my God, I'd love to have you come in August." And I was like, "That sounds great." And also, my dog died. And so it's gonna be, it's gonna... She also was so nice, you guys. Just put, let's put a, just to take a beat really quick. She gave me this crystal. I can't remember the name of it. She gave me this crystal to carry around to help with grief and stuff that's hard and all that kinda stuff. It was so nice. I was buying some stuff for a friend, and she was like, "Here, dude you, this one, just take this one." And so anyway, she was very nice. So all this to say is I've been really wanting to do this workshop, and I have pretty much a template for it, but I'd like to switch it up a little bit. And then I have all these other ideas that are, like, popping into my head. And so it's kinda like I have this surge of ideas, but I haven't grounded myself enough to actually write any of them down. And And then on top of this in the past two weeks, we've talked to a different fertility clinic for various reasons. And just, I'm collecting data. And before we even- before we move forward with another egg retrieval sometime this fall. And so we're on this journey, and all of this stuff doesn't really sound... the fertility shit is a big deal. But I didn't have this call until the week after TT died. And so I... even being on that call, I was like, "Great, I'm still collecting information. There's no way I'm ever gonna make a decision right now." And so I started going down this little rabbit hole of if I, if I work on this workshop, and then I get back to the lady and she wants to do it in August, but I'm not really ready to do it in August 'cause I'm getting ready to go home for a little bit of time, and then I'm going to Punakana, and then I'll be back, and then it'll be August, and then it's almost my birthday, and what am I gonna do with my birthday? And I never do anything fun for my birthday. I should do something fun for my birthday. Should I try to get my friends together? I don't know. Nobody can get together in the next two weeks. Ah. And I just really went on this wild little spiral over a timeline that just I made up in my head because I thought, you know what? We should start this next retrieval so that we can start it in September, because if we don't start it in September, then I have to tell my current doctor that I'm moving it to... I'm gonna put them on hold for another, for another round later in the year. And then, and then I have to tell them that, and then I can't do it in October because I'm going to Costa Rica in October and la. And I was like, "Whoa whoa." And then on top of that, if you really wanna know, I got blood work back, and my cholesterol is higher than normal, not high. But apparently, when you do- when you have to do a bunch of hormonal stuff, it can cause your cholesterol to elevate. And I'm like, guys, I'm, like, pretty healthy. But I'm also... When I am-- When my emotions are high the thing that I turn to, this is not healthy, do not recommend, 10 out of-- 100 out of 10, do not recommend this. But I recognize this pattern in myself of when my emotions are high and I'm trying to make a bunch of decisions, I the only thing that I think I control is my body and just making sure that my body and my health is perfect. And so it's Although I do actually go on walks every single day because I like walks. I will be like now I should start a new routine, and then I should eat perfectly because my cholesterol is a little out of whack, and if I can just control my body and the numbers around my body, then everything will be fine. Everything will be fine. If I just try to control and make one thing in my life perfect, then everything else I can breathe." So if you understood any of that Maybe you're familiar with a spiral. I myself have slip into this and do a little toe slip into the pool of a spiral when I'm go- when I'm carrying a lot of emotions. I literally today I said to Bryce, I was like, "Can I just lay my chest on top of your chest, and then I just need you to take deep breaths because I am having massive anxiety?" And he was like, "Yeah." He's very nice about it. But I just was, I was going into deep spiral lady mode. And then, and I'm not even, I'm not even my lut- in my luteal phase. I'm, where that part of the month where you're like, "I'm hideous. I look like Shrek." Yeah, I'm not even in that phase, so it's literally so many emotions and so many things that are changing at once. And Titi is obviously a huge change. And fertility is obviously, like, going to this other clinic is actually a pretty big deal. And feeling like I've done all the amount of research that I wanna done, that I wanna done. Da-da-ba-da-ba-ba-ba-ba-bom. Guys, lol. Doing all the research that I wanna do is obviously a big deal to me 'cause I'm like, "Oh, do I wanna find somebody in LA?" Yada yada. It's so on and so forth. So o- I've clearly been through a lot, and my daily routines have changed because Titi, like I've mentioned before ran my house. She got me up in the morning even before my alarm would go off, or we'd, she'd do that thing where you accidentally make eye contact with her before your alarm goes off. She comes to the top of the bed to cuddle, but actually she's just really waiting for you to get up. So she cuddles really close, but her intention is actually to just find out when you're gonna move so she can jump down off the bed and start barking at you to feed her. Titi ran my house morning, noon, and night. We had nighttime routines. We had, aside from food getting in bed, it was, like, a whole thing. And so my days are just so vastly different than they have been in 13 years. And I, my brain is going... And m- I, my mentor, I shout out to Deanna again. My mentor, she said to me last week, she was like, "Okay, your reptilian brain is just trying to run the show because it's being told, after you lost Titi that everything you love is going to die. And so now your default system is trying to control everything and trying to make everything perfect. And just know that you don't need to be making decisions in this period of time." Am I gonna- make a date for this woman for this workshop? No, I'm not. I have her cell phone number. She was like, "Just text me whenever you're ready." Am I gonna make a decision about fertility clinics right now? Absolutely not. I don't need to, even though in my brain I'm like, I wanted everything just to be done as fast as possible, and I'd like to be pregnant by the end of the year. The other half of that is I've wanted that for three years it hasn't happened yet, and every time I try to white-knuckle it, it just gets worse. So I'm just gonna put a reminder out there for all of us, anybody going through a bunch of emotions. When you start, when your body starts feeling this anxiety, because clearly, like I told you, I needed to lay on Bryce's chest and be like, "I need you to just take deep breaths with me." He's I'm like, "I need physical contact, and I just need to lay here like a slug on top of your chest, and I just need you to breathe with me, because I'm having a moment." And he's like, "Sure." I'm like, "Okay." Ugh. And it's just, like, when you start feeling that anxiety in your body, and your mind starts going whatever your go-to is, mine is perfectionism. Mine is control and perfectionism, and neither one of those things are super healthy. Yeah, they're not as it turns out. And so I just wanna remind you that whatever your default is for going into that spiral, just recognize first that you're spiraling, okay? Recognize, my friend. You just heard the inside of my brain, all the things that were going through my brain. There's probably about 50 other things that I thought too, but they just didn't unload quite on this podcast 'cause we might be here for too long, and you don't really need to know all the inner workings of that. But what I am saying is that when you recognize that little spiral, that little death trap of a spiral that you're going down, I need you to stop, and stop whatever you're doing, and I need you to do not nothing. I need you to go literally put your feet in the grass. Let the sunshine hit your face, and I need you to do some box breathing. That's in, in through your nose for four, hold for four, out through your mouth for four. Just do those. Set a timer for two minutes and do those, and re-regulate. Re-regulate your breath. Your breath is your life force. So that's the first thing that I'm gonna tell you. Second thing I'm gonna tell you, 'cause first you're gonna recognize that you're spiraling. M- Actually, that's the third thing I'm gonna tell you, 'cause the, the second thing is I'm gonna tell you not to make any decisions. Don't make any decisions right away. You don't owe anybody any decisions. Knock it off. Don't sit too long in there, 'cause eventually you do have to make decisions, but in this moment, this spiral moment, where you're like, "I'm caught in a death trap of spiral land"- Quit it. Give yourself a beat. The third thing, like I said, put your feet, your bare feet, in some grass. Get some sunshine on your face and do some box breathing The next thing is, and I forgot about this 'cause I got a little bit out of personal development for a beat because And I don't wanna say out of personal development, but kinda, 'cause I still read stuff on human design. I still love stuff with Kathryn Zankina. I still love some Jo- Dispenza stuff. I i'm just not as inundated with it as I was for a beat there, just because it kinda got to be like, "Okay yeah, I've done I've read all the things about how to improve my life. Now let's go do them." And so I haven't had this I haven't something, had something that I've gone to regularly where I've been like, "Ooh, I just wanna listen to something good," like something that just lifts me up. And so I've actually started going through Kathryn Zankina's podcast. She's Manifestation Babe on Instagram, and she's really cool. I really like her. And so I've just kinda been lis- having something like that to go to, other than my audiobooks, because you guys know I love a good audiobook. A shout-out to the fantasy book I just read. I think it's called Fowls and Vengeance. Webs of Fowls and Vengeance? Something like that. Fantastic. 10 out of 10. But sometimes I need a real-life person to just be like, "Here's some positive things going on, and here's some things I've been through the shit, and here's how I got through the shit." And sometimes you just need that. So I would say that your fourth thing is to make sure that you have on hand, I don't wanna say at all times, but kinda at all times your go-to when you're like, "Oof, I'm in a funk, and I've got to drive to work, and I am feeling all this heaviness in my chest, and, I'm feeling anxiety." I would highly suggest having something on hand like that's going to help you remove yourself from this anxiety and also give you a vibrational lift, because yeah, I could tell you to listen to some high-frequency music, and I do believe in that stuff, and I do listen to high-frequency mu- m- music when I meditate, but sometimes you gotta be, like, totally out of your brain listening to somebody else listening to somebody else yap for a beat, especially on something positive like manifestation. And also San- Kathryn Zankina's pretty cool because she'll talk about her low lows and then her high highs, so it's not just all "Oh, my God, and then you're gonna visualize and you're gonna manifest and it's gonna be so cool." It's not that. But all I'm saying is whatever your version of that is have something like that on hand so that when you get into your car, when you go on a walk, when you're just like, "I need something to just kinda lift my spirits," you have something to listen to. Or you could, I guess you could choose this podcast. 'Cause while I am in a deep state of grief we're still gonna have some giggles because as I told my mom the other day, she was like, "I hear you're, like, kinda having a hard day." And I was like, there..." Or a bad day or something like that. And I said, there really aren't bad days. There are just really hard moments." Every day is a good day, I just ha- have some really hard moments. So I guess you could steal that one, too. I'm sure I stole it from somebody else. But there aren't really hard... there are hard days, but even case in point, the day that we had to let Titi go, the morning was amazing. It was such a good morning with her, such a good morning. And the evening, obviously, the worst. So that's a good reminder to yourself, too, is like even in the depths of your anxiety, and even the, in the depths of grief or the depths of whatever you're going through, is that there really aren't fully, wholly bad days. And maybe I do wanna put a... i'm sure there's a caveat to that, so don't come after me on that because I'm sure there are some just total shit days that maybe you just narrow it down to a week, right? You're gonna have some moments in your week where it's not gonna be bad, right? You're just gonna have some bad moments, but then you're gonna have some good moments, too. So that's, that is the other thing that I just wanna remind you guys, is like whatever you're going through, you're always gonna have good moments no matter what. And I think I harp on this all the time, is to feel all the feelings. Life is meant to be lived, and part of living is having some deep grief sometimes and letting yourself feel. I will say the beauty of this grieving process, the beauty of it... that sounds a little too poetic for where I'm at right now in this process. Ugh. But I will say this. For something that has hit me this hard, I've been very... Bryce and I have been very open about our grief. We cry when we need to cry. We talk about her when we need to talk about her. We talk about the day of when we need to talk about the day of. Hardest day of our lives. We talk about we don't hold any of it in. And for me, as somebody with a, a defined throat center in human design I have to speak or else my throat is so tight and I my Then my chest gets tight, then my shoulders get tight. Everything gets tight. Especially if you're a defined throat in human design you gotta get that shit out. You gotta say the things. Even when you're afraid that your grief or your, whatever hard feelings that you're having are gonna be super impactful to somebody else just because you're living and you're saying things, you gotta get that out. You gotta say the things. So that's what I'll say about that. Oh, this is go- getting a little bit longer than I thought it was gonna be. Anyway do I wanna dip into this other story? Okay. The second spiral story I'm gonna tell you is about a client, and they have manifested something really cool, amazing. Something they've always wanted. Always wa- always wanted this, and it's been so fun to watch. Oh my gosh. I on pins and needles. This person is just a freaking rock star. I'm so proud of them. So they have manifested something that they've wanted for a really long time, okay? And they're in this manifestation right now, and they're like, "Wait a minute. Is this actually what I want? Is this what I want? I don't know. I haven't been here before. Is this what I want?" And then they kinda start going to a bit of a spiral. And here's the thing about this kind of particular spiral, is say you do manifest... And I think, you know what? Maybe I'll do another episode on manifestation and what that's like and some things around manifestation Although I will not call myself an expert in that field because I am not. I learn from experts, but I won't call myself an expert there. But I do know a little bit about it. Anyway, so sometimes we manifest the exact thing that we want and we start to spiral a little bit 'cause we're like, "Oh my God, I got the thing that I wanted. It should feel different than what it feels, and now I'm scared and did I really do the right thing? And ah, I'm having a freak out." Okay. Same rules apply to what I said earlier. Recognize, hello, we're in a spiral. This is a pattern. It's okay. It is safe. I am safe Two, put your feet in the grass. Get some sun on your face. Three, do your box breathing The next thing I will say about this particular thing is all about understanding that at any moment when you're doing something new or you've manifested something new that you've always wanted, you are just consistently stepping, stepping into the unknown over and over again. And if you're not used to stepping into the unknown, then it's gonna feel a little bit like, "Ah, I'm so scared. I got scared in my heart." And it's okay to have scared in your heart, for sure, 'cause you've never done it before. However there's a lot of beauty in the unknown. Look at all the things, just observe all the things in your life that you had never done until today, and then you did them. But before you did them, it was scary. It was scary, and you were like, "I don't know how this is gonna go." And then it went fine, and then it really worked out. It was really good. So part of part of that manifesting that thing that you want and stepping into something new is that it-- there's always gonna be an unknown. However, your brain, your little perspective shift is that the unknown is actually very, very exciting. Because in, in the unknown are all the dreams you haven't even dreamed yet. In the unknown is a space for the universe and God to just provide more than you actually realized could be possible. Because you are putting your faith into the unknown. So if you are having this... Yeah, I'm gonna go deeper into this in a different episode. If you are having this moment of spiral because you got the thing that you want and now you're like, "Oh my God, is this really what I want?" Yes, it is. It was exactly what you wanted. Your nervous system just hasn't quite caught up yet. Your nervous system just hasn't quite caught up, and it's not used to being in the unknown. What it's used to is, "Every day I wake up at this time. I go do my job at this time. I know what I'm gonna eat. I'm gonna take my dog on a walk." It the known is so easy. But when you're in manifestation mode, you're like-- and you manifested that new thing that you wanted, and you start feeling this uneasy feeling, it's just because you haven't created space around it yet. Your nervous system is still in the old programming. It's still in yesterday when you woke up and you did the same things you've been doing for ten years. But this new version of you, you just gotta remind your nervous system that you're safe. So actually, next week... Oh, this is great. Next week, I'm going to... I'm making myself a note 'cause that's the kind of lady I am. Next week I'm gonna go a little bit deeper into this on what happens after you manifest the thing that you want and you start going like, ah, I'm in panic mode. Because I think this is actually something that deserves its own episode. So anyway, I will leave you with that. If you are a spiraling kind of gal, kind of guy, I hope this episode was helpful. Because a lot of times, as you can tell, when I'm talking to you guys, it's stuff that like either my client's going through or I've gone through in real time. And for me, it's helpful to go, oh, shoot. Yeah, I actually know that this is a pattern of mine. I know that I start to spiral when I feel totally out of control. And I just feel like life threw me just the worst, the most unexpected thing, aka my dog. And then I just whoosh into that spiral. So if that's you, I just want to remind you, it's going to be okay. And I'm sending you so much love. And if you are in any kind of spiral like that, you are very, I hate to use this word sometimes, but like you are very strong and you're going to make it through it. However, you need to breathe first. You need to give yourself a little momentito before you make your next decision. So anyway, I hope this was helpful this week. I hope you guys have a really good week. I will be back. Yes, I will be back next week. And then I think the following week I will, we'll see. I'm going on vacation. So we'll see if I get another episode out that week. But anyway, have a really great week and I will talk to you soon. Thank you for joining me on today's episode. If something resonated with you, then we are probably best friends. And friends rate, review, and share episodes. If you wanna stay connected, you can find me on Instagram @marykatemcdonald. That's Mary C-A-T-E McDonald. If you want more information on coaching or wanna keep connected in my weekly newsletter, you can find that in the show notes. Thanks again for joining me on today's episode. I'm looking forward to catching you in the next one. And just a reminder that it's not that serious, even when it is